I've had sex with a lot of women,
and let me tell you, you should probably get tested.
He just left.
Oh, yeah!USA to the rescue!
Smith, I don'tneed your help!
Nobody needsAmerica's help...
until they need it.
Dang! No tunes!
Argh! What the hell? Wait, you're a gun?
I always thought you were,like, an eyeball or something.
Douche!
Morning, Peacenickel. Morning, government- sanctioned murderer.
Oh, Peacenickel, why don't you shut up?
Is he in?
Smith, sit down.
This is Tchochkie Schmear,
a ruthless international arms dealer
who is now, suddenly, producing movies.
As we speak he's shooting 20 films,
all with A-list celebrities.
But, according to our intel,
they're absolutely atrocious.
How bad can they really be?
His latest film is Bark of the Covenant.
It's a remake of Raiders
with a German shepherd as Indiana Jones.
It also stars Matthew McConaughey as Karen Allen.
Clearly, these horrible movies
are a cover for some diabolical scheme.
I don't know, sir. Was Lady in the Water a cover for anything?
We need you to infiltrate the set, and find out what he's up to.
The world is at stake.
- Really? - Could be.
- You know who's going to find out? - Me?
Bingo!
So, what new gadgets have you got for me, S?
Seems like an ordinary fancy gold pen, right?
Turn the top.
When that gas comes in contact with a woman,
it makes her breasts grow bigger.
Don't you have anything a little more...
- useful ? - Ah! Right, right.
Perhaps you'll like this.
Looks like an ordinary cell phone, yes?
Well, open it and press three.
Yeah. See, if you were a woman
you'd have some pretty big cans by now.
Here's your coffee, Mr. McConaughey.
And thanks for hiring me as your college intern,Mr. Schmear.
Oh, Mr. Schmear,
I'm writing a paper on the history of cinema,
and I was wondering,
Are you making so many bad movies at once
as part of some evil plot to dominate the world?
And, also, I need to leave early on Friday'
cause my roommate's mother is coming to take us out to dinner.
What did you do?!
Was there milk in that coffee?!
McConaugheycan't have milk!
Take my hand!
This isn't McConaughey! It's a robot!
The robot McConaughey went haywire, sir.
He is kaput.
Thank you, Tchochkie.
Well, Professor, it appears your crappy robots
still malfunction when they drink milk.
You're a lunatic with a mad man's dream of a milk-proof robot!
Good-bye, Professor.
I'll weep for you.
Yeah, that's ridiculous.
The contractor who built this place screwed me good.
Gums, he's stuck on the Death Slide.
Okay, there we go.
Mani, Pedi, dance for me.
Thank you for flying out here, Smith.
Of course, sir, but why are we dressed up like this?
Because I thought we could be Secret Asians.
A 16-hour flight for a bad pun?
Yes.
So you think it was milk that made the McConaughey robot go crazy.
Yes. But, more importantly, where's the real McConaughey,
and why was he replaced with a robot?
We're not sure.
What we do know is that,
before McConaughey agreed to do Tchochkie's film,
he spent a week at an exclusive celebrity spa
in the remote Teardrop Islands.
Your mission is to go to the spa
and find out what's going on.
The spa is owned by mysterious business tycoon
Tearjerker.
But, sir, how do I getinto the resort?
Tearjerker's anotorious gambler
who's currently at the casino in Monte Carlo.
Go challenge him to a game of chance,
and win yourself an invitation.
Oh, looks like I've got a bite.
- What is your drink, sir? - Beer.
Shaken, not stirred.
Hey, handsome.
Got a light?
Looks like you got yourself a cigarette there.
I'm Sexpun T'Come.
I get a good feeling from you.
- Do you get a good feeling from...? - Are you a whore?
It's cool if you're a whore,
but know right now, I don't get with no whore.
Another martini for Tearjerker.
Good evening, Tearjerker. Smith.
Stan Smith.
Didn't really ask who you were, but okay.
I'd like an invitation to your spa.
I only invite celebrities.
Well, perhaps I can play you for an invitation.
- Name your game. - Okay.
- Baccarat. - I don't know how to play that.
- Okay, then, craps. - I don't get that either.
I mean, seven's good, but then seven's not good.
How do you play the horn?
- Then they get mad at me... - Okay. Okay.
Perhaps you should name your game.
But I must warn you,
I never lose.
Okay, let's play Highest Number.
I'm not familiar with it.
Whoever says the highest number wins.
- You go first. - Thank you.
- 6,000. - 17,000.
Well-played.
I guess I'll see you on the Teardrop Islands.
- Did you get it? - Yes, baby.
I trust you'll enjoy my spa,
Mr. Stan Smith of the CIA.
In fact, you'll like it so much,
you'll never leave.
Oh, my God! You smell that?
I ate a pickle an hour ago. Came with my Reuben
I'm so fat.
I am a huge fan, Mr. Depp. What are you reading there?
A film I just signed on to do with Spielberg.
Your milkshake,Mr. Depp.
Hmm. Milkshake.
- So you're not a robot. - No.
If you ever become a robot, will you tell me?
Sure.
Nice.
We're now beginning our descent into the Teardrop Islands.
Look at that.
We're landing in his mouth. It's like he's eating us.
I bet we're delicious. I know you're delicious.
Mani, Pedi, Sexpun
I'm going to need you guys to go give our guests their
spa treatments.
You can throw a knife.
But you know what you can't throw? A party!
For my birthday!
Which was Wednesday!
I remembered yours!
What is the fascination with celebrity babies?
There so many more important things going on in the world--
famine, war.
Sharon Stone's baby is afraid of her!
Just like the rest of us.
Right this way,Mr. Depp.
I'm going to try and touch Gilbert's grapes.
Hello, again, Mr. Smith.
Well, look what the whore cat dragged in.
A whore.
No. I'm Tearjerker's personal masseuse,
and he asked me to work on you myself.
- Will you marry me? - Wha...?
Look, I know where this is going,
but I'm saving myself for marriage.
So, beforewe have relations,
we have to sanctify our union in theeyes of God.
Then I'm gonna make love to you until you hate ======
- God you're so sweet, I, - Here.
Think about it. I'm gonna go hit the juice bar.
You probably wouldn't like it.
It's not about living out childhood abuse
through degrading sexual encounters.
It's more about juice.
Johnny! How's the Spielberg script?
I'm not doing that film anymore.
Tchochkie Schmear's got a project that's way better.
Skateboarding Grandma? Wait a second.
You're doing a crappyTchochkie Schmear movie
instead of working with Spielberg?
Here. You wanna try my milkshake?
- I hate milkshakes. - Really?
'Causeon the plane you... Open up!
- Get off me, man! - Come on! Drink it like a bird!
You promised me you'd tell me if you became a robot!
You broke a pinky promise!
I once found a robin's nest in ...
- T Sexpun! - Stan.
Tearjerker only invited you here because he wants to kill you.
And I'm only telling you this because I...
think I'm falling for you.
Ah, I remember when I first fell for me.
Great feeling,isn't it? Warm... right in your belly.
Right there, that's me.
Now tell me what Tearjerker's up to!
I'll tell you.
All aboard
"Tearjerker's Diabolical Plan" boat tour.
Let us make nautical haste!
Tearjerker has spent years
replacing the world's foremost thespians with robots.
Why?
So he could make them perform in the worst films imaginable.
Some, like Sylvester Stallone,
already do that themselves and hence are not made into robots.
Now, stay with me here,
because the plan getsa little convoluted
and a lot crazy.
With the robots making terrible films that no one would want to see,
the world will be forced to go see
Tearjerker's very own cinematic masterpiece.
This is all so Tearjerker can get people to see a movie?
Please hold your questions
until the end of the tour.
Questions?
The tour ends here? I thought that was a lap pool.
Mike, you ended the boat tour in my office?
Unacceptable. Get over here and fix it.
And don't send your 20-year-old stoner son.
I know, because I'm not an idiot, Michael.
I went through the same thing with Lily
and she's at Yale now. Just talk to him.
And by talk, I really mean listen.
And fix my damn lair, you thieving bastard!
Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous.
So you've heard most of my brilliant scheme.
Now I bet you want to know what drove me to this.
- Not really. I just need to know... - The year was 2002.
The place, Hollywood.
My dream was to make it on the silver screen.
My first audition wasfor the lead
in a little movie called Monster's Ball.
"Make me feel good. Make me feel good."
Yeah, the producers laughed, too.
Laughed me out of that room and out of that town.
So I swore that one day I'd make the whole world cry
by making the saddest film of all time.
Lights.
In a world torn apart by war and intolerance,
one voice stood out.
A voice that was strong.
A voice that was inspiring.
A voice that was sometimes hard to understand.
I wanna drive the truck!
Oscar, no, be quiet.
As if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish.
I am sorry to say that your son is mentally retarded.
What does that mean, Doctor?
It means... he'll never not be retarded.
No! Oh, no! Why?! Why?!
And as if it wasn't enough that he was Jewish
and mentally retarded...
Borei pre hagafen.
Where is the wine?
...he was an alcoholic.
Oscar, no. You can't have that.
I want more dizzy water.
- I want to playmore, puppy. - Oscar, I...
I have some bad news for you.
Your puppy has cancer.
And it took the death of his best friend to realize
sometimes strength comes to us all.
This holiday season,
go for strength,
go for inspiration,
go for... Oscar Gold.
- So sad. - Really sad.
Yes, it's sad. I'm glad you guys got that.
That was just the trailer.
Imagine seeing the four-hour director's cut.
People will cry so much, they'll cry themselves to death.
- Tearjerker,that's impossible. - Is it?
Tell that to the critics' screening.
The film is opening on 500,000 screens
all over the world in just a few minutes.
With all the crap I'm releasing against it,
people will have no choice but to see Oscar Gold.
And then... they... will... cry...
and die.
Pie? You can't have it.
I'm away.
Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering blimp?
Tearjerker, you can't do this. You'll kill millions.
Correction-- millions and two.
Because you will also be viewing the film.
Right after Coca-Cola's movie quiz.
People worldwide are already crying hysterically.
Your fiendish plan is working perfectly.
Well, this is it.
We're going to cry to death.
No, no, don't hug him, Oscar. He's Hermann Goring.
- Stan... - Yes, Sexpun?
- My answer is yes. - Yes to what?
To your marriage proposal.
If I die, I want to die Mrs. Stan Smith.
Wait, Sexpun, do you still have that ring I gave you?
I just remembered S gave me that ring.
Quick, put it on.
- Great work, Sexpun. - Stan, we have to stop Tearjerker.
What?
Right. Look, there's no way to stop the film.
So we need to find something that the world
wants to watch more than Oscar Gold.
Wait, who is that?
Is that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry?
He's keeping robots in his dungeon?
No, it's really them.
Tearjerker kept a few celebrities alive to do blow with.
Stan? Stan?
What's Halle Berry holding? Oh, my God!
I've got an idea.
Sexpun, get those celebrities up here right away.
Um, Tearjerker, something's wrong.
Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?
Oh, my God!Oh, my God!
Smith!
He found the one thing people want to see more
than a Holocaust movie about a mentally retarded boy
with a cancer-riddled puppy.
Celebrity baby!
They're all going home to see them online!
That's nice, guys. Matt Damonand Lucy Liu, you're next.
Oh, look at the little guy.
Its Dad's A-list and its Mom's B-list. So it's a B-plus right off the bat.
No! This isn't over, Smith.
Tears... drop.
Really?
You'll never catch me.
Just climbed right up the ropes, didn't you?
I told the contractor retractable ropes
because I foresaw this very situation.
I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do a lot of things differently.
More quicksand,more death beams and a bench in the shower,
- sometimesI like to sit down. - Face it, Tearjerker,
you've jerked your last tear.
You think so? Well, guess again.
I'll be back, Mr. Smith.
I've written another film, and it's even sadder than Oscar Gold.
It's six hours of a baby chimp trying to revive its dead mother.
Mike, you're the worst contractor ever!
- I love you, Stan Smith. - And I love you,Sexpun Smith.
Oh, my God, you really are a virgin.
What? That's not good?
No, it's awful.
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