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Jackson and I will be in the executive dining room.
We are not to be disturbed.
Come on, Number one.
Must be nice being the boss's pet.
I hear the executive dining room is amazing.
They say the Caesar salad is tossed at your table by emperor penguins.
That's obviously true.
I've been here 10 years and I haven't had lunch with Bullock once.
Unless you count that time I was eating my sandwich on the can
and he came in to wash his hands.
I count that.
I came up with a great nickname for Jackson today.
Jackson Brown-nose.
It's a little dated but I think people will get it.
I hope so.
I know you're stressed.
But our Valentine's Day getaway is just around the corner.
I can't wait to be alone with you at Lake Frasure.
Me too.
The bed in our cabin has a solid oak headboard.
We're not leaving that lake until you get a concussion.
Staniel...
I guess one of us should wonder who that could be at this hour.
- You want to do it? - No, you've already started.
Smith, I need you to come with me.
I'm going on a dangerous mission
and I need my number one man.
Number one?
- I thought Jackson was... - Not anymore.
He refused to stand in line to get me opera tickets
because he had to go to some... I don't know,
something to do with his son's bone marrow.
So, I've decided to make you number one.
Me?
Wait, you're taking Avery Junior on a dangerous mission?
I have no choice.
His night nurse quit when she found the doll
I made out of her drain hair.
Perhaps you could babysit, Francine.
- Me? - That's a great idea.
You're adopted, the baby's adopted. You have so much to talk about.
Sad stuff.
Francine, did you hear what he said? I'm his new number one.
This is a huge deal.
I feel like the sun is shining on me for the first time in my life.
Like a baby flower
or a pale goblin-like creature
awaken from its subterranean slumber by mining activities.
Fine. I'll watch A.J. tonight.
He just cries like that when he needs to be fed.
And burped, and changed, and held, and exercised,
and bathed, and oiled, and rocked to sleep to Hindi lullabies.
I can't sing in Hindi, I can barely read it.
Just tell him about your day. That always puts me to sleep.
Look!
My new cristal arachnid of the month arrived.
Miss February is the Latrodectus.
AKA, the Black Widow.
I've named her Courtney Love
because she killed her husband, she's full of toxins and...
What is that?
What is that noise? What is that?
A.J. Bullock. I'm babysitting.
Look, I don't have time for you right now, I'm busy.
Busy? I was here first.
I'm the baby.
I'm the drunk baby.
Helping you pick up girls?
That's our dangerous mission?
It is, tonight, number one.
Now, keep your eyes out for the rare Eastern birds.
The plump Asian skank.
Unfortunately, everyone here is tall and gorgeous.
True. I guess I'll just have to settle for some tight white meat.
Excuse me. Are you from Tennessee?
'Cause you're the only ten I see.
Other than this one which is yours to earn.
Maybe we should try someplace else.
I've been so lonely since my poor wife was taken hostage in Fallujah.
- But why not go get her? - I will not negotiate with terrorists.
I can only imagine the monstruous things
those Sunni insurgents are doing to my poor sweet Miriam.
I'm afraid she's doomed to die alone.
As am I.
And that fat dude in the cape.
You're not alone, sir. You have A.J.
I love the boy, but I'm afraid he's part of the problem.
Whenever I do manage to find a girl willing to overlook my age,
they bolt at the sight of the baby.
The whole cradle to grave thing in one look really freaks women out.
Besides, every time I look at A.J.,
I am reminded that he has no mother and I have no mate.
Without a woman in our lives,
A.J. and I will never truly be a family.
That's terrible, sir. Is there anything I can do to help?
Actually, just having someone to talk to gives me enormous comfort.
I'm happy to do it, sir.
I'm a squirrel and I feel great...
I've been up with that baby five nights in a row.
If I have to sit through one more Carson Daily...
I get it! You're friends with Dave Navarro!
What now? Klaus!
He bumped into the coffee table. I looked away for two seconds!
I can't find my dinosaur stickers.
You have to look for them yourself.
A.J. has a boo-boo.
I have a boo-boo too.
You did that on purpose.
Roger, what the hell!
Isn't it obvious? Sibling rivalry.
Roger's jealous of the new baby in the house, so he's acting out.
What makes you such an expert?
- Your mama. - Well played.
There's my little peeshe.
Did you sleep well?
He didn't sleep at all.
He's not a football, Avery.
You can't keep passing him off to me every night
and picking him up in the morning.
It's not good for him.
You're right.
It would be easier for all of us if I left him here during the day too.
Cheerio, Junior!
Back skate.
Stan, how can you let him do this to me?
I'm not his permanent babysitter.
- You need to say no to your boss. - I can't.
Number ones don't say no.
Besides, it's just until I can find a woman for Avery.
That could take forever.
The guy's a weirdo.
No woman's gonna be interested in him.
That's not true, he had a wife.
That's it. His wife!
Sometimes, the best solution is the easiest.
Bullock's wife is being held by a vicious gang of Islamic terrorists.
I won't lie to you men.
My most optimistic projections for this mission
predict that everyone but me and that guy will die.
You'll live, but...
you will not live well.
We jump in 14 hours.
I bet a frozen yogurt place would do great out here.
I can't believe Stan rescued my wife.
Yeah, and A.J.'s going home with his new mommy.
Now I can practice exclamations for when Stan and I get to the lake.
I think I'll go with...
Would you like at that?
That's her. How do I look?
Hey, you.
- Where is she? - She's in the back, but...
Well, there's kind of a thing.
I don't care! She's my dry little raisin scone.
Nothing can change my feelings for her.
Miriam!
Die, American infidel!
What the hell happened to her?
Well, after three years in captivity, she...
She kind of went Shiah.
- Brainwashed. - And conditioned.
I shouldn't be doing shtick, your wife is crazy.
They turned her into a terrorist.
That rabid jackal is not my wife.
I never want to see her again.
Now we're stuck with his baby and his wife!
You're taking the baby for the first time in 5 days.
Like that's really gonna make...
Did you just poop?
Oh, no, that's her.
Smith here?
I'm at my limit.
I'm juggling a colicky toddler,
a vassar alum who thinks she's a Sunni freedom fighter,
and an alien who's acting like a jealous 4 year old!
Four and a half.
Allah is great!
She keeps using ketchup packets as foot grenades.
It's probably jet lag.
A.J. and Miriam are Bullock's family.
- He has to take them back. - He will.
Just as soon as Miriam gets back to her old self.
Our Valentine's Day getaway is in two days.
You have to say no to Bullock. Now!
How is it going number 1?
Sir, your family's been staying with us for what seems like forever...
How would you like to join me for lunch in the executive dining room?
Hello, Jackson.
You look terrible.
Jackson, forget him, he's a jerk.
I did everything right!
Francine, I had the most kickass lunch. It kicked ass!
What's going on? Did you talk to Bullock?
You didn't, did you?
Dammit, Stan!
I'm sick of taking care of this... A.J.?
- Where is A.J.? - This was taped to the refrigerator.
"I've taken your baby hostage.
"U.S. out of Middle East!"
My God. Where did she take him?
Is that Roger's French poster of The Wizard of Oz?
- Stay back or I'll spray! - That baby is innocent.
He's just another spoiled future infidel.
Maybe, but he's your future infidel.
What?
It's the truth, that baby is yours.
Avery adopted him.
That makes you his mother.
I'm...
I'm a mommy?
I will name him Muhammad.
What? It's a pretty name.
Who's the caramel apple of mommy's eye?
You are. Yes, you are.
Isn't that great that you are not crazy anymore?
Nothing like the love of an orphaned Indian child
to make you embrace the ideals of the West again.
That's Avery.
Sticky bun, is it really you?
It's really me.
I can't believe it.
We're finally gonna be rid of Bullock's family.
See? Everything's gonna be okay.
And I got you something sexy to wear to bed up at the Lake.
Let's go home, my naughty crumpet.
I'll help you get your things.
I believe you arrived with a small piece of rope around your wrists.
Number one, we have a problem.
This is Coco.
Got any cigarettes?
Then go suck it.
Isn't she great?
We've become intimate rather quickly.
In fact, she has already moved into my house.
Her? Really?
I know. She's Asian, she's loose and she's fat.
I hit the trifactor.
If your wife finds out about this, she'll be devastated.
Quite right.
That's why I need you to do something for me, Number one.
His mistress is moving into our house?
Just until he gets her set up in an apartment.
I'm gonna soak into your tub.
And just like that, I'm gay.
What about our week-end get away?
I'm sorry, but Bullock doesn't want her to be alone on Valentine's Day.
What was I supposed to say?
You were supposed to say no!
Just forget it.
I'm glad Bullock makes you feel special.
Maybe someday I'll know how that feels?
Go upstairs and pack your sex helmet.
First thing tomorrow, I'm saying "no" to Avery.
You mean it?
Thank you.
I wonder if I am a top or a bottom.
If I had to guess,
I'd say bottom.
A reluctant bottom.
- What are you doing? - Trying to get a little attention.
There we go.
Knock it off!
A.J. is gone.
What? A.J.? Where is A.J.?
Mr. and Mrs. Bullock took him home.
But... But...
I was gonna teach him stuff.
- I thought you'd be happy. - It's not fair.
I want my little bro-bro.
I know how hard it was for you to say no to Bullock.
But what you did makes me feel
like the most important girl in the whole world.
I just told Bullock that I respect my wife more than I need my job.
Now why don't you get on all fours and grease yourself up like a pig,
I'm gonna get some firewood.
Here you go, Chopsticks.
I got to get back to my wife.
Time for Coco to be Coco.
L-O-V-E, love.
Because you love me so much you wanted to be alone with me
all weekend.
Your turn.
Blurasi.
- That's not a word. - Then I pass.
But you have two blanks.
You can spell:
Liar, go, take, smokes,
to, skank,
- across, the, kale. - I pass.
Time to get more firewood.
You've gone for firewood every ten minutes.
Are you okay? You seem distracted.
This weekend is all about you.
I am here for you.
Got to go.
How is it going here? Some smokes. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wait.
I'm bored, get me a movie.
Where am I gonna get a movie?
You're supposed to keep me happy.
Or do I need to call Avery?
Fine.
- Something with Matthew Perry. - Got it, Fools Rush In.
Something good.
Got it, nothing.
Time for milk...
Someone took my baby.
From now on, you and me are bestest friends, okay?
I'm even gonna let you play with my specialest toys.
My crystal spider collection.
This is my favoritest of all,
a daddy long-legs.
And I want you to be very very careful with...
What the...?
He started it.
So you were going to drown him in the lake?
- How do you kill babies? - Shut up!
This all situation is out of control.
All you have to do is say no to your boss.
Yeah, I've been paying attention.
Damn it, I'm already late getting back to Francine.
I don't have time to bring him to the Bullocks.
Do you have time for a complicated scheme
that'll solve all your problems?
This is no time to sell me on Christianity.
Your phone.
I have your baby.
Bring...
I don't know, a thousand dollars or something
to cabin #2 at Frasure Lake.
You idiot!
Bullock's mistress is in cabin #2.
If they go there then Miriam will find out about Coco.
Exactly.
Bullock will be caught, he'll have to dump Coco
and she'll be out of your life forever.
I'm impressed.
I get caught up in something like this pretty much every week.
We'd better get this baby over to Coco's cabin.
You go.
I'm just gonna stare at the lake and think about how I almost killed a baby.
I need you to watch this baby.
And don't try to sleep with it because it doesn't have any money.
- I'm going home. - What?
Honey, I know I've been a little preoccupied, but that's over.
I promise, from now on, you have my full undivided attention.
A.J. has been kidnapped. I need you to help me with the handoff.
Help?
You don't... you and Miriam are supposed to do this yourselves.
Cabin #2, Frasure Lake.
Ten minutes. Don't let me down, Number one.
You know what we need?
- Cigarettes. - Firewood.
Well, you're right, firewood.
- Where the hell are you going? - You're gonna laugh.
This was supposed to be our romantic weekend.
- How could you bring her here? - I was hopping for a three-way?
With that? We talked about this.
Did you even try to contact Scarlett Johansson?
What is he doing here?
Nobody move!
My little curry cupcake.
You know this woman?
Oh, God, is this your wife?
No wonder you're looking for some yummy on the side.
- What? - Screw this.
I'm gonna back to being the prettiest girl in Ohio.
This is what you were doing while I was a hostage?
I didn't meet her until after you came back.
What?
Sugar lump, I only strayed because your absence were unbearable.
My life was wretched too, you know.
There's a difference, Avery.
I was forced into a filthy hollow.
You went in by choice.
Put the gun down.
I'm sorry, can't we...
Can't we start again?
Sure, let's start at the beginning.
Like when you got down on one knee and proposed.
Come on, Avery Junior, you shouldn't see daddy like this.
My kneecap is shattered.
Stan, take me to the hospital.
- Now? - Yes, now!
Oh, my God! He's losing a lot of blood.
Help me, Stan.
- What? - I'm done.
I've been running myself ragged and for what?
So I could feel like Number One while making you feel like Number Two.
Well, no more.
From now on, I'm gonna be your Number one.
Stan, I appreciate the gesture, but for God's sake,
the man needs you!
You can't say no to him.
Is that how I used to sound?
What a selfish jerk I've been.
I think I'm passing out. I smell pennies.
Come on, honey. Let's go have our weekend.
You're serious? You're leaving?
Here, call Dick.
He'd love to be your Number one.
Stan, is he gonna be okay?
More importantly, we're gonna be okay.
Just okay.
We can't just leave him...
I'm hallucinating.
Half polar bear, half Hugh Grant will you please help me?
No, quite right.
I'm sure you're busy with all the films
and harp seals.
Yeah, this is Dick.
Yes, sir, I'd love to be your Number one. I'll be right there.
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