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Live, from CIA headquarters
in beautiful Langley, Virginia,
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it's the first-ever CIA Telethon,
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with your host, Agent Stan Smith!
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Thank you! Good evening, everybody!
How about a hand for our band,
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Midget Assassin and
the This Doesn't Concern You Orchestra!
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Man, that is some sport coat!
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- You like it?
- No, it's great!
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I just didn't realize your latest
assignment was to kill fashion!
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Folks, it's an honor for me
to be working in this studio.
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This is the very soundstage
where we faked the moon landing.
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And the JFK assassination.
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No. I'm sorry. This is where we
planned the JFK assassination.
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So a lot of people think
that CIA stands for
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"Central Intelligence Agency."
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Not true, folks.
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Fact is, CIA actually stands for
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"Stan Smith was born with both
male and female genitalia."
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That's not what we wrote.
We don't go blue.
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That's the lazy man's comedy.
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Balls.
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Maybe we're working too hard.
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Anyway, you're in for quite a show
over the next 12 hours,
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so give generously.
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Let's kick things off with our very own
Langley Falls anchor partners,
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Greg and Terry, reenacting
the volleyball scene
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from their favorite movie, Top Gun.
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Francine, you must be so proud
of your husband.
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This whole telethon was his idea.
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I know! I'm sure it's
going to be a huge success!
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"Godlike"?
I don't know if I'd go that far.
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Now, I need a moment
with my writers.
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What the hell was that genital joke?
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That's not what we wrote.
You were supposed to say,
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"CIA stands for
Central Insanity Agency.'"
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That's good. But that's not what
was on the teleprompter.
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Someone must have messed with it.
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I'm gonna go double-check the copy
for the "Taliban, Taliban,
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Tali-me Bana" sketch.
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You really think someone messed
with the teleprompter?
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I mean, who would want
to sabotage the telethon?
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Sabotage?
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Did you hear?
We just captured a new terrorist!
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Time to torture!
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- I get to strap him to the waterboard!
- I call the car battery!
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I want to slather him in oil
and make love to him all night long!
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Oh, no. I'm on the phone.
Yeah, I'm still here, Mom.
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Stop! We can't torture anyone.
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- What's he talking about?
- We can't afford it.
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I was just on Capitol Hill.
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The Democrats have completely
cut our torture budget.
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They're using the money
to teach inner-city kids
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to read!
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What are they doing?!
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We'll just have
to raise a million dollars
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and fund the torture
program ourselves.
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Luckily, I have plan.
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We have the biggest keg party
this town's ever seen.
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We charge five... no...
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seven dollars a cup.
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Girls drink free.
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I don't think that's going to work.
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I don't hear you suggesting
how to get girls to our party.
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How hard can it be to come up
with a million dollars?
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What if I invent something?
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Paper clips... paper clips...
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piper claps...
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popper clops!
Clops that pop your clappers!
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I think torture is
barbaric and inhumane.
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I can't believe
you're trying to save it.
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Why not? You tried
to save Veronica Mars.
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We get it. Girl detectives are bitchier
than regular detectives.
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Fart! Not into it.
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You know what show I tried to save?
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- The Ghost Whisperer.
- It's still on.
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Really?
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That's it! I've got the idea!
Dark bulbs!
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You know,
for when it's too bright out.
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What?
It's a great idea!
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Stan, it's okay.
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So you're not an idea guy.
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Yes, I am. Remember when
I invented that machine?
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Stan, that wasn't a machine.
That was a hat.
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I am an idea man, and
I'll prove it to you all.
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I just need to get away
from all this negativity
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so I can concentrate!
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Sweet and High...
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Wheat Thicks...
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- Southern Discomfort.
- Good. You're here.
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- You can either take your socks off now
- or I can knock 'em off for you.
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What are you talking about?
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Live, from CIA Headquarters
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in Langley, Virginia,
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it's the first annual CIA Telethon!
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A telethon?
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No one wants to run 26 miles.
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Not a marathon.
A telethon.
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It's the perfect way for you
to raise the money you need.
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That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.
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That's what Jerry Lewis said
right before he stole my idea.
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You knew Jerry Lewis?
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Back in the '50s, I was his tailor.
I shortened his pants.
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Made him a star.
One day, I said to him, "Jer..."
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I called him Jer,
but not to his face.
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I said, "Jerry, how about you do
a long, televised plea for money?"
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Of course he did it, and he said
it was all his idea.
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Made me look like a total liar.
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The only one who believed me
was Dean Martin.
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Good old Dino.
What a sweetheart.
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Talented, talented greaseball.
From Ohio.
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Thanks, Roger, but I don't need
your stupid telethon idea.
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I have all night to come up
with something.
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Hamburger... Hinderer.
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Guess what, everybody!
Bullock loved my telethon idea.
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- What?
- A telethon?
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- That is a good idea!
- Way to go, Dad!
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Wunderbar!
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Wait a minute. Your idea?
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You should have seen it. They were
taking away all our torture stuff.
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Everybody's freaking out. And then,
like a bolt of lightning, it came to me.
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Telethon!
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I'm so proud of you, honey!
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How did you ever
think of a telethon?
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He didn't!
It was my idea!
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- Yours?
- Yeah. Remember, Stan?
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We were in the living room,
and I said "telethon."
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Stan, is that true?
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- I remember now.
- Thank you.
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You said "marathon," and that's what
got me to "telethon."
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- Oh, marathon!
- That's why Roger got confused!
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A marathon is a terrible idea.
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The telethon was my idea!
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Tell them the truth
or they're going to think I'm a liar.
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That spaceship sailed
a long time ago.
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- Get it? Because he's an alien!
- Or so he claims!
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He's simply not credible,
and I am, apparently!
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I let Jerry Lewis live.
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I think we all agree
that was a mistake,
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but I'm not going
to be branded a liar again.
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Mark my words.
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This time,
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I will be avenged!
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Please call me when dinner is ready!
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Of course. It's Roger!
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He's trying to ruin the telethon
because I didn't call him
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when dinner was ready!
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Klaus, did that teleprompter
mishap hurt us?
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The donations slowed down a little,
but things are starting to pick up.
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Good, we can still meet our goal.
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I'll just have to make sure
nothing else goes wrong.
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Anyway, what happened
after you slathered him in oil?
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Did he like it?
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Hey, everyone, look who just
wandered from their tree house
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in the Appalachian wilderness:
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it's the Amazing Buckle and Sherry!
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Honey, I've been meaning
to ask you for a...
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separation!
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Like you could survive
five minutes without me.
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What kind of man puts
his wife in a box and cuts her up?
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I'm just trying to create
a sense of wonder.
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You know what I wonder?
Why I didn't listen to my mother.
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"Don't marry a mountain man magician."
That's what she said.
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I joined a synagogue for you!
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Just do the trick!
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You wanna do a trick?
Here's a trick: Put a baby in me!
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Sherry and Buckle.
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It's Shari!
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Folks, we're having
a lot of fun tonight,
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but let's remember
why we're all here.
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This is a terrorist.
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They call him the Common
Garden Snake of Ramallah.
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It soundmuch scarier in Arabic.
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Snake, do you have information vital
to this nation's security?
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I do, Stan, yes, very much.
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And will you share
that information with us willingly?
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Willingly? No.
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This is why we need to fund
the CIA torture program.
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We have just over nine hours
to raise the $1 million
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or those repo men will take away
our torture equipment forever.
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Operators are standing by.
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And now... black music.
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I'm so proud of you, Stan.
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I really underestimated you.
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I'm a man of action, a man of ideas.
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"Dear Stan, admit you're the liar
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"or my reign of terror
will continue.
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"Signed,
the Phantom of the Telethon,
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"Roger.
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"P.S. When you give me credit,
refer to me as Roger.
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"Thanks, the Phantom... Roger.
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"Roger."
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So down the gauntlet has been laid.
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Lain?
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00:10:01,511 --> 00:10:04,433
- Laid.
- Delivery for Phantom of the Telethon.
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00:10:04,558 --> 00:10:06,518
Oh, my God, my pipe organ!
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00:10:08,023 --> 00:10:11,430
This is what I'm supposed to play
maniacally down in the catacombs?
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00:10:11,869 --> 00:10:14,395
What'd you think
you were getting for $39.95?
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00:10:14,541 --> 00:10:16,741
No, no, this is totally unaccept...
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00:10:21,964 --> 00:10:23,205
I can work with this.
199
00:10:29,789 --> 00:10:31,846
Welcome back to the CIA Telethon.
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Folks, we still have a long way to go
to reach our goal
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00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,118
so we need your pledges.
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00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:38,178
Smile and look to camera B.
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00:10:38,648 --> 00:10:41,555
You know, sometimes torture
doesn't go quite the way you planned.
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Let's watch!
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00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:45,602
{\TORTURE BLOOPERS}
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00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:04,788
Cut! Cut!
I'm sorry, folks.
207
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,959
I have no idea
how that tape got in there.
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00:11:13,864 --> 00:11:14,984
Play something!
209
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:21,095
What the hell was that?
Honey,
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00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:24,975
that's what you have to do
after a man takes you to a fancy dinner.
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00:11:25,357 --> 00:11:27,144
No, I mean, why was it shown?
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00:11:27,365 --> 00:11:28,907
Well, I'll tell you why.
213
00:11:29,032 --> 00:11:31,528
Because Roger's still
clinging to the fantasy
214
00:11:31,653 --> 00:11:35,020
that this telethon was his idea,
and now he's trying to ruin it.
215
00:11:35,145 --> 00:11:38,101
Steve, Hayley, I need you
to find him and stop him.
216
00:11:38,226 --> 00:11:40,886
I better get the security guard.
I'm not searching that basement
217
00:11:41,011 --> 00:11:42,803
unless I'm accompanied
by an armed stranger
218
00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:45,307
who failed the psychological
test to become a cop.
219
00:11:51,048 --> 00:11:53,545
Here's the intro
for the circus bear, Mr. Smith.
220
00:11:53,928 --> 00:11:55,611
"Some acts are too hot.
221
00:11:55,736 --> 00:11:57,455
"Some acts are too cold.
222
00:11:57,580 --> 00:12:00,128
"This act is just... right."
223
00:12:00,797 --> 00:12:01,928
Like Goldilocks.
224
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:05,646
Part of me thinks they will be confused
because there's only one bear.
225
00:12:05,771 --> 00:12:07,530
You're overthinking it!
226
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,933
"Irene Grossbard,
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00:12:12,058 --> 00:12:14,710
"Irene Grossbard
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00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,982
"I really mean it,
229
00:12:17,107 --> 00:12:19,597
"Irene Grossbard...!"
230
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:25,399
Okay, that was Gretchen Grossbard
with a tribute to her sister Irene...
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00:12:26,031 --> 00:12:27,238
Grossbard.
232
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:29,755
Folks, we gotta do better than this.
233
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,707
You know, the CIA has captured
a lot of bomb-makers.
234
00:12:32,832 --> 00:12:35,863
Well, it's time for you
to set off the biggest bomb of all...
235
00:12:36,093 --> 00:12:37,674
the one in your hearts.
236
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,883
Let's keep the show going.
237
00:12:41,008 --> 00:12:42,380
Some acts are too hot.
238
00:12:42,505 --> 00:12:44,188
Some acts are too cold.
239
00:12:44,313 --> 00:12:46,215
This act is just right.
240
00:12:49,879 --> 00:12:51,937
Joke-killer.
He's a joke-killer.
241
00:12:52,132 --> 00:12:55,065
Please welcome Boris
the Russian circus bear.
242
00:13:06,834 --> 00:13:08,120
Something is wrong.
243
00:13:14,236 --> 00:13:16,860
Itty-bitty brake line is cut.
244
00:13:19,895 --> 00:13:23,218
All part of the show, folks.
Everything's fine. Music, Frodo, music!
245
00:13:29,331 --> 00:13:30,767
Hayley, what the hell happened?
246
00:13:30,998 --> 00:13:33,687
We were looking for Roger when
somebody hit me on the head.
247
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,483
When I woke up, Steve was gone.
248
00:13:35,608 --> 00:13:37,649
Wait. What would Roger
want with Steve?
249
00:13:39,097 --> 00:13:40,276
What the hell?!
250
00:13:40,446 --> 00:13:42,286
Do not fear me, fair m***
251
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:44,587
Though my outward appearance
may repulse thee,
252
00:13:44,712 --> 00:13:47,346
I assure you
my intentions are most pure.
253
00:13:47,471 --> 00:13:50,996
- What are you doing?
- The phantom welcomes you to his home.
254
00:13:51,165 --> 00:13:53,383
Geez, it stinks in here.
255
00:13:53,703 --> 00:13:55,000
Why am I in a dress?
256
00:13:55,263 --> 00:13:58,081
I'll thank you to hold
your criticism, my darling.
257
00:13:58,206 --> 00:13:59,693
The hell with this!
258
00:13:59,818 --> 00:14:03,417
Steve! Steve, come back here!
I am trying to do something!
259
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:07,828
Ladies and gentlemen, the U.S. may be
the greatest nation in the world,
260
00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:10,252
but do you know
what the second-greatest nation is?
261
00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,601
- El Salvador!
- No, not Mexico.
262
00:14:12,966 --> 00:14:15,896
The second-greatest nation
is donation.
263
00:14:16,126 --> 00:14:17,937
Won't you all become citizens?
264
00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:20,787
Now let's go to a real
good novelty today:
265
00:14:20,912 --> 00:14:24,382
Jeff Fisher and the Jeff Fisher
Hacky Sack Attack.
266
00:14:24,754 --> 00:14:26,780
One, two, three...
267
00:14:28,438 --> 00:14:30,099
Thank you, Langley!
268
00:14:33,764 --> 00:14:34,999
What?
269
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,255
You want more?
270
00:14:37,691 --> 00:14:38,757
All right.
271
00:14:38,882 --> 00:14:40,702
One, two...
272
00:14:56,037 --> 00:14:59,349
I really thought we were gearing up
for a much more satisfying chase.
273
00:14:59,474 --> 00:15:00,439
But this...
274
00:15:00,659 --> 00:15:02,108
Roger, I'll kill you!
275
00:15:02,322 --> 00:15:04,405
I'm not Roger.
I'm the phantom.
276
00:15:05,976 --> 00:15:07,864
Well, yeah. Who did you...?
What?
277
00:15:08,069 --> 00:15:09,983
Anyway, you'll never stop me!
278
00:15:13,696 --> 00:15:16,081
There you go again,
stealing my idea.
279
00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,785
Well, until you tell the family
this telethon was my idea,
280
00:15:19,910 --> 00:15:21,655
I've got havoc to wreak.
281
00:15:21,938 --> 00:15:23,296
Wreck? Wreak.
282
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,933
It ends now.
283
00:15:25,796 --> 00:15:27,804
You can't stop the phantom!
284
00:15:27,929 --> 00:15:30,310
These riggings and catwalks
are my domain,
285
00:15:30,435 --> 00:15:32,411
and I am their master.
286
00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:53,910
All right, all right, I give up!
287
00:15:54,177 --> 00:15:55,697
But it doesn't matter.
288
00:15:56,034 --> 00:15:58,409
I've already destroyed this telethon
289
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,625
and untied your bow tie.
290
00:16:01,797 --> 00:16:04,072
You've given me a relaxed demeanor!
291
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,089
Oh, my God, is that a bomb?!
292
00:16:07,214 --> 00:16:10,049
- You planted a bomb?!
- What the hell are you talking about?
293
00:16:10,174 --> 00:16:13,294
That's enough C-4 to blow up
this entire building.
294
00:16:13,419 --> 00:16:15,353
- Disarm it!
- Stan, it's not mine.
295
00:16:15,478 --> 00:16:17,179
All I did was change
the teleprompter,
296
00:16:17,304 --> 00:16:20,520
cut the brakes, released the terrorist,
dropped a fishing boat on Jeff Fisher...
297
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:24,090
Wait. You released the terrorist?
He's an explosives expert!
298
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:26,773
- We'll never be able to disarm it!
- Oh, my God!
299
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:29,988
Stan, I know exactly what to do.
Put me down.
300
00:16:34,552 --> 00:16:36,802
Let's try that on the fart setting.
301
00:16:41,425 --> 00:16:44,669
I don't know. It's funnier, but I think
it takes out some of the tension.
302
00:16:49,368 --> 00:16:52,676
- How could you release The Snake?
- He's a master bomb-maker.
303
00:16:52,964 --> 00:16:55,566
Me? I don't know about master.
304
00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:56,806
I make a nice bomb.
305
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,894
All right, Snake, the jig is up.
306
00:17:02,912 --> 00:17:05,315
"Prepare to meet your Mecca."
307
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:09,312
Fine. Go ahead and kill me now.
308
00:17:09,437 --> 00:17:11,371
Once the ticking clock
on your tote board
309
00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:15,169
counts down to zero, this whole building
will be blown to smithereens.
310
00:17:15,466 --> 00:17:17,613
Good God, I've got
to evacuate the building!
311
00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:18,788
Not so fast.
312
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:20,296
I've rigged the exits.
313
00:17:20,421 --> 00:17:23,166
I've also rigged the elevator shaft,
the air ducts,
314
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:25,477
the little window in the bathroom.
315
00:17:26,098 --> 00:17:27,440
I've seen a lot of movies.
316
00:17:27,565 --> 00:17:29,733
When you are forbidden to drink,
dance or touch yourself,
317
00:17:29,858 --> 00:17:32,837
- your afternoons are pretty free.
- You can't touch yourself?
318
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,868
I'll give you the code
to disarm the bomb,
319
00:17:35,993 --> 00:17:38,336
but first you'll have
to meet my demands.
320
00:17:38,461 --> 00:17:40,326
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
321
00:17:40,451 --> 00:17:43,209
Oh, really?
Have you ever bought a mattress?
322
00:17:43,919 --> 00:17:45,730
Fine. What are your demands?
323
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,313
I have something I want you
to tell the world.
324
00:17:51,246 --> 00:17:53,196
Hello, I'm the United States.
325
00:17:53,533 --> 00:17:54,678
And I'm Israel.
326
00:17:54,803 --> 00:17:57,360
With you behind me,
I can do whatever I want.
327
00:17:57,485 --> 00:17:59,203
Well, I want you.
328
00:17:59,484 --> 00:18:00,484
Take me.
329
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,098
No, this is wrong.
330
00:18:04,223 --> 00:18:06,471
We both have the same father: Satan.
331
00:18:06,777 --> 00:18:07,904
I don't care.
332
00:18:09,884 --> 00:18:11,541
Oh, God, oh, God!
333
00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:14,148
Oh, Judeo-Christian false God!
334
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,701
All right, I did your little play,
and it was intoxicating.
335
00:18:18,826 --> 00:18:21,385
If you have anything else
I'd be right for, keep me in mind.
336
00:18:21,510 --> 00:18:23,880
In the meantime, I need you
to disarm the bomb.
337
00:18:24,005 --> 00:18:27,388
Oh, that? No, I was lying.
I was never going to disarm the bomb.
338
00:18:27,513 --> 00:18:30,358
- You bastard!
- You're mad at him for lying?
339
00:18:30,565 --> 00:18:32,767
You guys are enemies.
Of course he lies to you.
340
00:18:32,892 --> 00:18:33,955
But you're worse.
341
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,282
You stole my idea and lied
about it to your own family.
342
00:18:37,611 --> 00:18:39,361
Oh, my God, you're right.
343
00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:41,167
Lying is wrong.
344
00:18:41,631 --> 00:18:43,439
I'd know that
if I only I'd paid attention
345
00:18:43,564 --> 00:18:45,415
to anything that's ever happened
to me before.
346
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,585
It's not too late to tell
everyone the truth, Stan.
347
00:18:48,904 --> 00:18:51,338
What's the point?
We're about to die.
348
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:54,089
I don't want "I'm a liar" to be
the last thing I say to them.
349
00:18:54,395 --> 00:18:57,150
It doesn't have to be the last thing.
What if I save us all?
350
00:18:57,275 --> 00:18:58,902
Then will you tell them the truth?
351
00:18:59,451 --> 00:19:02,807
You save my family, and I'd be honored
to redeem your good name.
352
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,365
Excuse me.
Does this have dairy in it?
353
00:19:06,490 --> 00:19:08,497
Because if you want
to see a real dirty bomb,
354
00:19:08,622 --> 00:19:11,283
give me something with dairy in it.
355
00:19:13,894 --> 00:19:15,181
The truth must be told!
356
00:19:15,306 --> 00:19:18,252
- What's the code to disarm the bomb?
- I'll never tell!
357
00:19:23,666 --> 00:19:25,095
Hey, calm down!
358
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:26,470
Leaping lizards!
359
00:19:28,838 --> 00:19:30,126
This is annoying!
360
00:19:33,895 --> 00:19:35,018
Wait a minute.
361
00:19:35,143 --> 00:19:38,176
I think I know how to save us
and the CIA.
362
00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:40,544
Ladies and gentlemen,
we've had a lot of fun tonight,
363
00:19:40,669 --> 00:19:43,306
but when that clock runs down,
this building will explode.
364
00:19:44,512 --> 00:19:46,577
Yeah, you should be concerned
365
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,588
because that's the only man
who knows the code to disarm the bomb,
366
00:19:49,713 --> 00:19:50,930
and he's not talking.
367
00:19:51,055 --> 00:19:53,358
And he's not talking
because we can't torture him.
368
00:19:53,604 --> 00:19:55,859
Sure, he can be beaten by amateurs
369
00:19:55,984 --> 00:19:58,242
like that oddly proportioned
fellow in the cape...
370
00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,237
Come on!
371
00:19:59,362 --> 00:20:01,449
... but we're never gonna get
any answers that way.
372
00:20:01,788 --> 00:20:05,494
We need the money to fund
official/unofficial CIA torture.
373
00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,497
We're counting on your generosity.
374
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:11,112
Stan, it's working!
The phones are ringing off the hook!
375
00:20:12,777 --> 00:20:16,027
That's it, folks.
Give till it hurts... him.
376
00:20:18,202 --> 00:20:19,342
We have the money!
377
00:20:19,556 --> 00:20:21,107
Quick, get the equipment.
378
00:20:23,028 --> 00:20:24,118
Hold this up.
379
00:20:30,242 --> 00:20:32,030
The code is 1-2-3-4-#.
380
00:20:36,063 --> 00:20:37,527
The bomb is disarmed!
381
00:20:39,423 --> 00:20:41,489
That's what I'm gonna say
when I disarm the bomb.
382
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:50,081
The arm is disbombed.
Damn it.
383
00:20:58,037 --> 00:21:01,082
So now you can tell
Francine and the kids I'm not a liar.
384
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:03,939
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Well, that's our show, folks.
385
00:21:04,064 --> 00:21:06,185
If you're interested in learning
more about torture,
386
00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:08,460
follow an immigrant
into your local police station.
387
00:21:08,585 --> 00:21:09,681
Good night.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net