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Mom, when's Dad coming home?
I can't make my sugar cube Parthenon without him.
- And I need a ride to store. - Oh, that's important.
Kids, as soon as your father gets home he'll have time for you both.
Well, look who's home.
Carrying his shoes?
Almost like he doesn't want anyone to know he's home.
Roger, please. I just want 20 minutes to myself, that's all.
You know what a dog would do at a time like this?
He'd bark excitedly,
alerting the family that his master was home.
Please, Roger, no.
Of course, I suppose if that dog were to get a treat...
- What do you want? Anything. - A carton of menthol lights,
and I want look like Audrey Hepburn.
I can give you all the cigarettes,
but I can't make you look like Audrey Hepburn.
Dad's home!
I haven't started the Parthenon.
It's due tomorrow, and I'm really tired.
If we don't get on the highway right now,
the headband store is going to be closed.
Don't forget the menthol lights.
I'm really mad at Dad right now.
I woke up from my nap, saw he wasn't as far
along with the Parthenon as he should be, and I told him so.
Not now, Steven. I have a meeting in, like, one minute.
Pretend to be my assistant. And, if this guy asks, my name is...
Freddie Underwood,
porn screenwriter extraordinaire!
Helicopter Perry!
The sleaziest porn producer east of Van Nuys!
Come here, you son-of-a-bitch bastard!
So, how's the smut business, H.P.?
The Internet's killing me, Freddie.
Every frat boy with a digital camera thinks he's a filmmaker now.
I've seen what you speak of.
Dumpster Sluts and the like. There's no art in it anymore.
Freddie, I'm here because you wrote Wetness,
the greatest porn film I ever made.
I need you to give me that same magic again.
I'm writing down a number. I will not accept a penny less.
A million dollars?
Actually, if you look closely, it says a million "doll hairs."
- No, it doesn't. - Oh. It was supposed to.
You should get some sleep, Stan. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Right to bed. No time to myself.
Do you realize I've been trying to read this book for 10 years,
and I haven't gotten past the first paragraph?
Tonight, that ends.
"Captain First Rank Marko Ramius of the Soviet Navy
"was dressed for the Arctic conditions normal
"to the Northern Fleet submarine base at Polyarny."
Okay. One sentence down. Already compelling.
"Five layers of wool and oilskin enclosed him."
You asleep?
I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.
- What's all that, Dick? - I'm watching every movie ever made,
alphabetically by actor's last name.
I'm on Martin Mull. Underrated actor.
Could anyone else have played Colonel Mustard in Clue?
The answer is yes. Christopher Lloyd.
My point is, Mull gets work.
Consistently.
But you have a wife and kids at home.
How do you have the free time to do... anything?
The boys down at the lab gave me these.
You take a pill right before bed, and you feel like you slept 8 hours.
So you take these pills,
and you never have to sleep?
So I can spend days with my family,
and the nights are all for me.
What will the guys at the lab think of next?
They have tons of cool stuff.
Check out my rocket zipper.
Once again, we beat the Russians.
I feel so...
not wired, but...
well-rested.
Like I had a small coffee around 6:30 at night.
I'm feeling good.
This is the song that I wrote at 3:00 a.m.
I taught myself how to play the guitar
I only know two chords so far
My fingers hurt 'cause I haven't grown calluses
I wonder how long it takes To grow calluses
I'll bet that'ssomething You could learn on the Internet
Tomorrow night, I'm going to learn To use the Internet.
I'm so glad you're having fun spending time with the kids.
I'm a dad. That's my job.
Maybe we can spend some time together later.
Just you and me?
I don't know, Francine. I work all day,
I spend time with the kids, and I gotta sleep.
- There's only so many hours in the day. - I guess you're right.
I'm just being selfish.
Just a little.
Dick, these pills saved my life. I can't thank you enough.
My pleasure. Make sure you never mention the pills to your family.
- They'll definitely want in. - Oh, no way.
This time is like a gift from the heavens.
The last thing I want to do is waste it with my kids or, God forbid, Francine.
Hey, Dick, do those pills make you hallucinate your wife?
Damn! Do they let you go back in time and change the past?
Damn! Do they make you fly?
Really? But only once?
All right. I'll save it for Halloween. I'm going as a turkey.
Yes, they do. Yes, they do.
Yes, they do!
I'm going to have to change my costume.
Bad news about Halloween, Francine.
You've been taking pills every night so you don't have to sleep?
- How long has this been going on? - I don't know. Six, seven weeks.
Hard to tell. It's all been like one long day to me!
What are you doing at night that's making you so happy?
Tons of stuff!
Like this flip-book. Over 30 drawings.
That's you... falling. And then hitting the ground.
And then your parachute opens.
In the next book, you become bionic.
This is what you're doing instead of spending time with your wife.
We can't spend this time together anyway because you're asleep.
- Not if I take those pills, too. - What?
Then we can both be awake, and spend time together!
We can watch Ken Burns'Jazz!
No. And let me tell you why.
You see, there's "Stan" time and there's "family" time.
You are part of the family.
I do this, I do this. Now it's a pizza.
That you can have.
Fine. Then I'll take the pills and do my own stuff.
I'll leave you alone, I promise.
Okay. I'll give you the pills.
But, after 11:00 p.m., we go our separate ways.
Can we sometimes meet for a snack?
I enjoy a solitary BBQ Lean Pocket at dawn.
It's become a ritual. Your presence would disrupt that.
- I think he likes it. - This is terrible!
It's completely dated!
Pool boys and pizza guys nailing lonely housewives?!
Maybe I need to find somebody else, Freddie.
Maybe you don't know sex anymore.
I assure you there are two things I know:
how to poison an Asian and sex.
What if you change the pool boy
to an I.T. guy who makes his appointments on his PDA?
Sorry about my girl, H.P. She's on her period.
I love it!
It's now, it's modern. It's exactly what this script needs.
Freddie, I want you to write with this kid.
- No way. - Hey! It's settled.
You're a team. Let me tell you something, Freddie.
Collaboration is an important thing,
not just in writing, but in life.
Remember,
behind every blade of grass
there is a voice
whispering, "Grow."
How high are you right now, H.P.?
I'm up there.
Whatcha doin', Mr. Awake-at-3:00-a.m.?
Playing Beetman.
You're a tough, no-nonsense beet
trying to survive Farmer Gary's Evil Garden.
'Cause I was thinking,
maybe my Francine time could visit your Stan time,
and, together, they'd have a little Stan/Fran...
Klaus, I've got no interests.
I thought I liked reading, but then, when I rembered what that was,
I realized, oh, God, no! I hate that.
Francine, I'm right in the middle of a "green bag" demonstration.
Those beautiful strawberries are four months old!
Oh, sorry, Klaus.
You go ahead and watch your show.
I'll just watch you.
Hey, that's something I've always liked doing!
Watching you swim.
And I did love going to the aquarium with my dad when I was a girl.
Maybe one of my interests is remembering.
Maybe your interest is fish.
And, Klaus, you are a fish! This is something we could do together.
Francine, I enjoy a solitary corn dog at 3:00 a.m.
Your presence would disrupt that.
That's it! I'm going to study fish who aren't complete!
Ocean Digest? What the hell is this?
Oh, it came!
I've been published.
"How Modern Geophysical Currents have Affected the Migration Patterns
"of the Elusive and Highly Sought-After Colossal Squid".
By Francine Smith.
Is that the title of the article?
'Cause it's long.
Stan, don't you get it?
I think I found the Colossal Squid.
All the world's oceanographers have been looking for this squid,
and I figured out that they were looking in the wrong ocean.
This is how you choose to spend your extra time?
- How have you been spending yours? - By completing the Beetman video game.
I earned an invitation to the Beetman Regional Championships in Washington.
This is a confirmation that they received your $300 entrance fee.
Regionals!
Stan, I just rembered.
I have to take a call with the head of the
French Institute for Nautical Exploration.
But it's daytime. You're talking about nighttime stuff.
Sorry. This is the only time they could do it.
Well, that... that works out great.
'Cause I need to start playing Beetman during the day.
Gotta be able to work it with the glare because that's going to be thrown at me.
You don't even know, Francine. You don't even know.
This is even worse than the first draft!
- You said you wanted it more modern. - Yeah, modern as in now, today.
This is set in the year 3020 on the planet Labia.
It's pronounced Lay-bea.
And it's not a planet, it's a moon.
None of this is real!
What about when the orgy rocket refuels on the space station?
There was no sex for 62 pages!
Well, no one's gonna be invested in a month-long intergalactic orgy
if the ship's got insufficient fuel cells.
You want to talk reality, let's talk reality!
Let me be clear:
I want something that could actually happen today in real life.
You got one last chance or you're fired.
Okay, we gotta brainstorm.
Boy meets girl.
Boing meets girl.
Boing eats... Pass!
Go to the next one. Wait, what are we doing?
Stan, you're home.
I'd like you to meet Philippe Monday,
famed French oceanographer from France.
Mr. Francine!
It is a pleasure to meet zee husband of Francine.
Philippe read my article in Ocean Digest magazine
and wants to take me on an expedition
to Antarctica to find the Colossal Squid!
Expedition? For how long?
Only three months.
Although, if we find zee squid,
we will take Francine on a worldwide lecture tour.
Tu vas etre celebre!
Philippe, tu sais que
ce n'est que la science qui m'interesse.
You speak French now, too?
Un petit peu.
Philippe, I have to show you my maps.
I will love your maps!
Mr. Francine, I know this is upsetting,
but understand that I am a homosexual, yes?
You understand homosexual.
So you will be losing your wife not physically,
but perhaps emotionally.
That guy is a douche, yes?
You understand douche?
You can't leave your family for months just to look for some big squid.
It's a Colossal Squid.
It's the largest cephalopod on Earth.
And I spoke to the kids. They support me.
Of course they support you, they're motherless idiots!
Francine, you'll miss the Beetman competition.
You'll do fine without me, Stan.
You know, in a way, this is exactly what you wanted.
It's "Stan" time all the time.
Fine, good!
Now I don't have any distractions!
Just 24 hours of uninterrupted Beetman action!
Just gonna beet it till my hands fall off!
We can write a porno, right?
We can totally do this. H.P.'s a dunce.
Sure he has a good eye for casting black men,
but what does he know about story? Bupkis!
Okay, porn scenario... Think, Steve, think.
It's not just gonna fall into our laps.
- How's it going, guys? - Where's my sandwich?
Coming right up.
I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Sandy.
She's new here, completely inexperienced,
but eager to learn.
You might say I'm a virgin at this.
I didn't order your life story. I ordered a tuna melt.
Why's it so hot in here?
Oh, my God, we're so sorry, guys. The air conditioning broke.
We'll fix it right away.
If there's anything else you need, anything,just call us.
- And I mean anything. - What's wrong with you?
You get a dollar every time you say the word "anything"?
I got it! Steve, start typing!
Exterior, Costa Mesa,
day...
Need a hand with that?
Who are you? My husband's away on business.
I'm the pool boy/pizza guy.
I'm here to check your pH balance
and deliver the sausage you ordered.
What the hell?!
That's the crap H.P. hated.
- It's not modern or real. - Were you even listening?
I was the pool boy and the pizza guy.
If demonstrating that the working poor need two jobs
just to make ends meet isn't modern or real,
then I don't know what the hell is!
So many soil coins!
- Dad, you gotta eat. - I have Pirate Booty.
I gotta practice. Championship's tonight.
I got another e-mail from Mom. Expedition's going well.
- She said... - Did she say there's a nuclear rabbit
on her expedition, because I just froze 4.
Just thawed out!
Oh, got 'em!
{\EASTERN REGIONAL BEETMAN CHAMPIONSHIPS}
You're going down, Trung.
You forgot to aerate your soil!
Trung, you've got two options:
You can hang your head in shame
or you can shake my hand and buy me a slice like a man.
Coward.
And the winner of the Eastern Regional Beetman Tournament:
Stan Smith!
Benny, hurry up!
We have to pick your brother up at karate!
Okay, Mom!
- I hate her! - Geez, take it easy, kid.
See, that's why you lost, Trung: your lady.
You didn't train enough because you were spending too much time with her,
having dinner, watching TV,
picking out her shoes for a cocktail party.
What is it? What is it?
Don't stop. A little more.
Almost there!
Right in my face.
Great, now it's gonna be freezing in here.
Steve, come on. We're going to the diner to write porn.
I was just getting my sweater in case it gets chilly.
A sweater?!
What are you, an old lady?
Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna get you!
- I can't believe you! - Yeah, how's that taste?
That taste good!
It's so obvious!
Interior: Chimdale Spa.
I shouldn't have had that second glass of champagne.
I'm feeling vulnerable.
Good, 'cause I've been dying to kiss you all night.
You gotta to be kidding me! H.P. said no more sci-fi stuff!
When will you people realize that robots are erotic?
I don't know. Maybe this business has changed too much.
Did you know I read that they bleach buttholes now, Steven?
Are they trying to say God chose the wrong color?
Maybe we don't know anything about sex.
Maybe we should just stick to writing something we do know.
A light romantic comedy...
Set in turn-of-the- century England!
"Exterior, Manor House.
"As the pizza delivery man emerges from his carriage
"and rings the doorbell. The robot butler answers the door."
Love it! Still waiting on that tuna melt, sweetheart!
My memory chip does not register ordering a pizza.
Prank sensor activated.
That's dialogue! You just pitched dialogue!
Francine, what do you see?
I see coral, some plant life,
but I don't see the Colossal Squid.
Wait a second.
The Colossal Squid.
Stan, don't turn around. Just swim away.
Stan, you just killed the Colossal Squid!
No, I don't think so. That one was tiny.
I passed, like, five others on the way over here that were way bigger.
- If anything, I killed a baby. - What are you doing here?
I came to tell you that I was wrong.
I know I said I wanted time alone,
but now I realize I just want time with you.
Things have changed, Stan.
They don't have to! I threw away the pills, Francine.
I want to go back to our old life,
being with you during the day and sleeping with you at night.
There you are.
You switched channels on me, you absurd madame.
So, did you find zee squid?
Remember, when you do find it, we will tour zee world.
Your life will change forever.
I'm sorry, Philippe.
I didn't find the squid.
I was wrong.
Fabien, my brother,
we have wasted the money from the sale of your bicycle company.
You are ruined.
Life, ah?
Honey, turn your CB to channel nine.
It's just the baby.
It's the already-dead baby.
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