1
00:00:38,308 --> 00:00:40,872
What... What's...
What's going on?
2
00:00:41,123 --> 00:00:43,959
{\pos(192,220)}Roger, we have to talk.
This family has a problem.
3
00:00:44,489 --> 00:00:46,562
Finally! We can get this
all out in the open.
4
00:00:46,687 --> 00:00:50,215
I'll start. Klaus, you're useless
and everyone hates you.
5
00:00:51,177 --> 00:00:53,252
{\pos(192,185)}No, Roger. This is about you.
6
00:00:53,377 --> 00:00:54,474
{\pos(192,185)}The last 2 months,
7
00:00:54,599 --> 00:00:56,968
{\pos(192,185)}your selfish behaviour
has gotten out of control.
8
00:00:57,093 --> 00:00:58,264
{\pos(192,185)}Stan, tell him.
9
00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:02,102
{\pos(192,220)}For starters, you constantly raid
the fridge and drink all my Five Alive.
10
00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:05,674
{\pos(192,220}You take our clothes without asking
and then disappear all day
11
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,525
{\pos(192,220)}so you can run around
as one of your ridiculous personas.
12
00:01:08,695 --> 00:01:11,392
{\pos(192,220)}I regret my dance card
is filled for the evening,
13
00:01:11,517 --> 00:01:13,614
{\pos(192,220)}but there's always
the Spring Cotillion.
14
00:01:14,198 --> 00:01:15,499
{\pos(192,220)}I'll tell you what I think.
15
00:01:15,624 --> 00:01:17,591
{\pos(192,220}I think you hide
behind all these disguises
16
00:01:17,716 --> 00:01:19,872
{\pos(192,220)}so you don't have to face {\the fact}
that the real you
17
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,496
{\pos(192,220)}is an inconsiderate jerk.
18
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,610
{\pos(192,220)}It doesn't matter
how you treat people
19
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,383
{\pos(192,220}when you could blame it
on Professor Edelstein
20
00:01:26,508 --> 00:01:29,117
or ATNT operator Shalanda Dykes.
21
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,459
Speaking of which,
22
00:01:30,584 --> 00:01:32,483
{\pos(192,220)}that credit for my Friends
and Family Plan
23
00:01:32,608 --> 00:01:34,009
{\pos(192,220)} {\still}hasn't shown up on my bill.
24
00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:36,940
{\pos(192,220)}That credit was generated
after your last statement,
25
00:01:37,065 --> 00:01:38,916
{\pos(192,220)}it'll show up on your next bill.
26
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,390
{\pos(192,220)}Okay, thank you.
27
00:01:40,689 --> 00:01:43,633
- Thank you for chosing ATNT.
- Enough!
28
00:01:43,758 --> 00:01:45,901
{\pos(192,220)}You have been treating us
like doormats,{\for months}
29
00:01:46,026 --> 00:01:47,885
{\pos(192,220)}and we're sick and tired of it.
30
00:01:48,224 --> 00:01:49,378
{\pos(192,185)}I hear you.
31
00:01:50,064 --> 00:01:51,518
{\pos(192,185)}I hear you loud and clear.
32
00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:54,946
{\pos(192,220)}And I guess all I can say is,
"Eat my dust!"
33
00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:57,115
- He's getting away!
- Stop him!
34
00:01:59,755 --> 00:02:01,708
For God's sake. Roger, get up!
35
00:02:03,482 --> 00:02:04,525
My tequila!
36
00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:06,220
That worm had a name!
37
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:08,454
If you will excuse me,
38
00:02:08,579 --> 00:02:10,838
I am late for
my daughter's arranged wedding.
39
00:02:11,026 --> 00:02:12,790
She will learn to love him.
40
00:02:14,710 --> 00:02:16,586
That was a waste of time.
41
00:02:16,711 --> 00:02:18,011
Hey, what's this?
42
00:02:18,996 --> 00:02:21,394
An old game I found under the couch
when we moved it.
43
00:02:21,519 --> 00:02:22,519
Simon?
44
00:02:22,703 --> 00:02:24,469
- Is that Simon?
- What's Simon?
45
00:02:24,594 --> 00:02:26,219
Only the best game ever!
46
00:02:26,344 --> 00:02:28,280
It's totally addictive. Watch.
47
00:02:39,037 --> 00:02:41,235
Wait, you haven't seen
the yellow light yet.
48
00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,640
There's a yellow light.
49
00:02:47,530 --> 00:02:50,498
A case of whiskey and a Modern Bride,
my good man.
50
00:02:50,623 --> 00:02:51,573
I'm a woman.
51
00:02:51,698 --> 00:02:53,992
I don't want to fight,
just run the card, dude.
52
00:02:58,721 --> 00:03:01,184
- It says it's declined.
- Impossible!
53
00:03:01,309 --> 00:03:04,023
Your manish fingers
just hit the wrong buttons.
54
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,583
- Declined.
- That's strange.
55
00:03:08,033 --> 00:03:10,980
Well, I guess I'll just go
put these things... in my house!
56
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,546
Your card was declined
because you exceeded your credit limit.
57
00:03:17,671 --> 00:03:18,906
That's impossible!
58
00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:22,918
You did just make a big purchase.
I see a diamond ring for $5,000.
59
00:03:23,043 --> 00:03:23,866
What?
60
00:03:23,991 --> 00:03:26,664
{\That's right.}It was purchased
by a co-signer on your account.
61
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,092
Sidney Huffman.
62
00:03:28,331 --> 00:03:30,808
Co-signer?
I never authorized a co-signer.
63
00:03:30,933 --> 00:03:31,626
Sir!
64
00:03:32,252 --> 00:03:35,418
I can't have you lying on the floor
and making phone calls.
65
00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:40,513
Roger, I'm afraid you may be right.
66
00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,482
I think the family hates me.
67
00:03:42,607 --> 00:03:44,750
Hate is a strong word.
And accurate.
68
00:03:44,875 --> 00:03:48,101
But you can still salvage my love
by finding my other glove.
69
00:03:48,226 --> 00:03:49,278
I can never find it
70
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:52,564
and what I'm about to embark on
requires leaving no fingerprints.
71
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:55,744
- What do you mean?
- I'm gonna get even with that scumbag
72
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,029
who added his name
on my credit card.
73
00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,779
Time to dish out
a little street justice.
74
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:02,739
Death Wish style.
75
00:04:04,225 --> 00:04:05,754
Death Wish was a movie.
76
00:04:06,565 --> 00:04:08,116
Starring Charles Bronson.
77
00:04:09,227 --> 00:04:12,143
He had a mustache.{\Anyway,}I've found out
where this Sidney guy works,
78
00:04:12,268 --> 00:04:14,361
where he lives,
even his phone number.
79
00:04:16,144 --> 00:04:18,466
Voice mail.
Sidney, this is Roger Smith.
80
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,345
You screwed with the wrong guy.
81
00:04:20,470 --> 00:04:22,760
Prepare to have your life destroyed!
82
00:04:23,670 --> 00:04:25,147
Now, did you find my glove?
83
00:04:27,006 --> 00:04:29,559
It's like you want to be
kicked out of this family.
84
00:04:32,357 --> 00:04:35,200
Of course, you work
at a Bible company, Sidney.
85
00:04:35,469 --> 00:04:37,127
Perfect cover for a thief.
86
00:04:39,882 --> 00:04:40,657
There.
87
00:04:40,782 --> 00:04:42,833
Let's see what
your Bible-thumping customers
88
00:04:42,958 --> 00:04:44,537
think of these changes!
89
00:04:48,819 --> 00:04:51,633
How lucky!
Sidney's address book.
90
00:04:53,151 --> 00:04:54,431
And who's this?
91
00:04:54,732 --> 00:04:57,783
Judy Pennewitz,
the "i" doted with a heart.
92
00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,265
Betcha she's the broad
you bought the ring for.
93
00:05:00,552 --> 00:05:02,484
Guess I'll have to pay her a visit.
94
00:05:02,876 --> 00:05:04,874
She works at a department store.
95
00:05:05,089 --> 00:05:07,737
Please, God.
Let their mannequins have nipples.
96
00:05:08,093 --> 00:05:09,274
But not heads.
97
00:05:12,063 --> 00:05:13,372
Honey, I'm home!
98
00:05:14,656 --> 00:05:16,206
You're playing Simon!
99
00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,002
Stan, you made me mess up!
100
00:05:18,127 --> 00:05:20,279
See, I told you guys
it was addictive.
101
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:24,931
This is a good seat
to watch from too,
102
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:26,664
as part of the family.
103
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:28,117
Be loved.
104
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,250
Stan, you missed a belt loop
back here.
105
00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:32,995
But I'm sure you're fine.
106
00:05:33,319 --> 00:05:36,418
Your pants didn't fall down today,
did they?
107
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:53,230
Three days and nearly every piece
of Sidney's life is in shambles.
108
00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:55,219
I have a voice mail.
109
00:05:55,510 --> 00:05:57,122
And that's from Sidney.
110
00:05:57,435 --> 00:05:59,438
Stop ruining my life, please!
111
00:05:59,563 --> 00:06:00,829
Just leave me alone!
112
00:06:00,954 --> 00:06:03,248
Don't worry, Sidney.
You will be alone.
113
00:06:03,373 --> 00:06:05,849
Once I have a little chat
with your girlfriend.
114
00:06:09,084 --> 00:06:10,138
May I help you?
115
00:06:10,263 --> 00:06:12,246
I'm looking for a Judy Pennewitz.
116
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,373
What a coincidence!
I'm a Judy Pennewitz!
117
00:06:18,109 --> 00:06:20,697
- Do you know a Sidney Huffman?
- I sure do.
118
00:06:20,822 --> 00:06:22,167
He's my boyfriend.
119
00:06:22,292 --> 00:06:25,247
Only I hope soon
he's gonna be more than just that.
120
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,643
I have a little news about him.
121
00:06:30,866 --> 00:06:32,107
And tomorrow, Sidney,
122
00:06:32,232 --> 00:06:35,461
I'll destroy the last most
irreplaceable thing in your life!
123
00:06:35,783 --> 00:06:37,228
Your possessions!
124
00:06:43,184 --> 00:06:44,113
Good news!
125
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:48,039
I found some game
that are for more than 4 players!
126
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:51,350
Guys? Hello?
127
00:06:51,791 --> 00:06:54,454
Wait. Have you not moved
since I left?
128
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:58,892
Mein Gott...
129
00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:02,282
Like countless children
and stoners before you,
130
00:07:02,407 --> 00:07:06,034
you have been enslaved
by the four-tone succubus!
131
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:09,987
Damn you, Hasbro!
132
00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:18,027
Using the credit card
that started it all
133
00:07:18,152 --> 00:07:19,739
to help me end it all.
134
00:07:23,344 --> 00:07:26,308
Torching this dump almost feels
like I'm doing him a favor.
135
00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:32,277
"How do you do?
A young man's guide to manners."
136
00:07:32,622 --> 00:07:35,009
This guy is a douche
with a capital bag.
137
00:07:38,850 --> 00:07:40,418
Just like my missing glove.
138
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,237
Now, somebody has a pair.
139
00:07:42,564 --> 00:07:44,180
And somebody has nothing.
140
00:07:46,106 --> 00:07:48,299
Look, this must be a photo
of the sap.
141
00:07:49,774 --> 00:07:50,944
My God!
142
00:07:53,593 --> 00:07:54,908
I'm the sap.
143
00:07:55,395 --> 00:07:56,660
I'm Sidney.
144
00:07:56,929 --> 00:07:59,971
One of my personas
has taken on a life of its own!
145
00:08:01,107 --> 00:08:03,815
{\4 DAYS EARLIER}
146
00:08:29,519 --> 00:08:33,025
Peaches and cream. Why do I always
wake up feeling hung over?
147
00:08:33,150 --> 00:08:35,227
I don't even touch
the devil's nectar.
148
00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:41,185
Your toothy mug is the only cure
for my morning maladies.
149
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:44,690
When I pop the big Q this Saturday,
you better say yes or...
150
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:46,757
I'll kiss until you do!
151
00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:52,653
Lonesome glove,
what can I never find your mate?
152
00:08:52,876 --> 00:08:56,216
Did I donate it to that soldier
I read about who lost his arm in Iraq?
153
00:08:56,538 --> 00:08:59,763
I would've remember getting
a sloppily written thank you note.
154
00:09:00,177 --> 00:09:03,446
Boys and berry pancakes!
Somebody left me a message last night.
155
00:09:03,892 --> 00:09:05,547
Sidney, this is Roger Smith.
156
00:09:05,672 --> 00:09:07,281
You screwed with the wrong guy.
157
00:09:07,406 --> 00:09:09,579
Prepare to have your life destroyed.
158
00:09:10,093 --> 00:09:12,169
That gentleman has the wrong Sidney.
159
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,737
Or he's dyslexic
and angry at Disney.
160
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,981
Your garden is looking great,
Sidney!
161
00:09:22,106 --> 00:09:24,645
There's you
and there's Johnny Appleseed.
162
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:28,003
No, sir, Mr. Stashwick.
There'll never be another Johnny.
163
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,193
Have a stupendous day!
164
00:09:33,753 --> 00:09:35,907
Oh, boy! The gang's all here today.
165
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:38,868
Hello, Linux!
Hildegarde, slow down and chew.
166
00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:40,545
Share, Jerediah.
167
00:09:41,244 --> 00:09:43,154
And you, I don't know, but welcome.
168
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,651
- Huffman!
- Good day to you, Mr. McCreary.
169
00:09:50,776 --> 00:09:52,507
In my office! Now!
170
00:09:53,928 --> 00:09:56,427
You're familiar with the first line
of Genesis?
171
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:59,180
I should say I am, sir.
I should say I am.
172
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:00,649
Does this sound right?
173
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:02,983
"In the beginning,
God created the heavens
174
00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:06,367
"and the transvestite who pooped
mozzarella dinosaurs."
175
00:10:07,094 --> 00:10:09,287
- Blasphemy!
- Cut the act, Huffman.
176
00:10:09,412 --> 00:10:12,276
{\I know} You came in last night
and edited the Bible from your computer.
177
00:10:12,616 --> 00:10:14,946
I would never temper
with the word of the Lord.
178
00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:18,067
A thousand copies ruined.
You're fired.
179
00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:23,409
Rudy, Tootie, fresh and fruity!
I'm in a pile of doody!
180
00:10:26,419 --> 00:10:28,599
Time to buck up and find a new job.
181
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:31,943
These have been a trying few days
but the worst is surely over.
182
00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:37,477
My garden!
183
00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:41,269
Sidney! It happened last night
but you weren't around.
184
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,570
I bet it's the man who left me
that malevolent message.
185
00:10:44,837 --> 00:10:47,119
I think he's trying
to sabotage my life.
186
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:49,010
I didn't get a good look him,
187
00:10:49,135 --> 00:10:51,440
though I did see
what he did to your new tree.
188
00:10:51,762 --> 00:10:53,847
My little sycamore! What did he do?
189
00:10:55,253 --> 00:10:56,480
He raped it.
190
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,756
I mean he just...
191
00:10:59,865 --> 00:11:01,909
Yeah, the guy raped the tree.
192
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:10,364
My flowery friends may be gone
but I've still my feathery ones.
193
00:11:11,031 --> 00:11:13,569
Rasberry Mary Mother of James!
194
00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:28,619
Stop this! Please stop doing this,
you're killing me!
195
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:32,357
I punked you!
It's not really me it's my voice mail.
196
00:11:32,482 --> 00:11:36,462
You're not supposed to wear stupid
after Labor Day.
197
00:11:36,790 --> 00:11:38,405
Stop ruining my life!
198
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,406
Please, just leave me alone!
199
00:11:43,216 --> 00:11:45,385
Oh, the Lord is good to me
200
00:11:45,724 --> 00:11:47,721
And so I thank the Lord
201
00:11:47,846 --> 00:11:50,051
For giving me the things I need
202
00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,802
The sun and rain and the apple Seed
203
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:02,040
Petunia, the last few days
have been the worst of my life.
204
00:12:02,224 --> 00:12:04,099
But if you say "Yes"
to my next question,
205
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,541
I'll know that
all the dark clouds in the world
206
00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:08,868
couldn't rain
on Sidney Huffman's parade.
207
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,055
Would you do me the modest favor
208
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:14,190
of making me
the happiest man on earth?
209
00:12:14,552 --> 00:12:15,553
Marry you?
210
00:12:15,780 --> 00:12:19,195
I never want to see you again,
"less" alone marry you! {\c'est une faute voulu je pense, donc ça donnerait plutôt "let alone" en bon anglais)}
211
00:12:19,365 --> 00:12:21,822
The man from the clinic
stopped by the store yesterday.
212
00:12:21,947 --> 00:12:24,867
And told me all about your diseases
and your dalliances.
213
00:12:25,561 --> 00:12:26,644
That's not true.
214
00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:28,464
That guy is putting
the screws to me.
215
00:12:28,589 --> 00:12:30,792
I don't want to ear about
your pre-vergence.
216
00:12:31,156 --> 00:12:34,219
And here are your test results.
I couldn't even look at them.
217
00:12:34,344 --> 00:12:36,480
I didn't want to get my eyes dirty.
218
00:12:40,055 --> 00:12:42,058
Dear Sidney,
I just wanted to let you know
219
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:45,745
that I'm gonna make you pay for stealing
from me until the day you die.
220
00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:47,533
Sincerely, Roger Smith.
221
00:12:47,973 --> 00:12:50,380
PS: Your sycamore had saplings.
222
00:12:51,017 --> 00:12:52,566
I made them watch.
223
00:12:53,191 --> 00:12:55,563
Oh, that's it,
he's never gonna stop.
224
00:12:56,135 --> 00:12:58,375
There's only one way out of this.
225
00:13:03,394 --> 00:13:05,515
Look, this must be
a photo of the sap.
226
00:13:06,790 --> 00:13:07,898
My God!
227
00:13:10,138 --> 00:13:11,449
I'm the sap.
228
00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:13,218
I'm Sidney.
229
00:13:13,516 --> 00:13:16,268
One of my person has taken on
a life of its own.
230
00:13:17,806 --> 00:13:19,422
Sidney Huffman hired me to kill you.
231
00:13:28,159 --> 00:13:30,494
My God, I took a hit out on myself.
232
00:13:30,804 --> 00:13:32,628
And I probably charged it to me.
233
00:13:33,498 --> 00:13:34,403
Still miles.
234
00:13:40,896 --> 00:13:42,267
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.
235
00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:45,096
And I still have two years left
on my Apple Care.
236
00:13:47,682 --> 00:13:49,535
They're still playing
at that dumbass game.
237
00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:51,262
Not for long.
238
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,084
Son of a bitch! It can work.
239
00:13:57,515 --> 00:13:59,143
The spell is broken.
240
00:13:59,268 --> 00:14:01,979
I wreak of wee cold urine
and I'm ashamed of that!
241
00:14:02,104 --> 00:14:03,540
Klaus saved us all.
242
00:14:03,665 --> 00:14:06,233
Come on, let's go to the fridge
to check on the baloney situation.
243
00:14:18,507 --> 00:14:20,080
I was gone 60 years.
244
00:14:20,330 --> 00:14:21,892
- How long was it here?
- What?
245
00:14:22,464 --> 00:14:24,227
- Where did you go?
- I don't know.
246
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:25,619
But wherever it was,
247
00:14:26,286 --> 00:14:27,669
I am their king now.
248
00:14:28,341 --> 00:14:29,486
Klaus, I'm in trouble.
249
00:14:29,611 --> 00:14:31,631
I spent all week taking revenge
on a guy
250
00:14:31,756 --> 00:14:34,283
and that guy turned out to be
an alter ego of mine
251
00:14:34,408 --> 00:14:37,503
- and now he's taking a hit out on me.
- Calm down, calm down.
252
00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:40,075
Don't tell me to calm down,
this hitman is a pro!
253
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,424
Look,
I found this in Sidney's address book.
254
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:43,631
{\HITMAN, I'LL KILL HIMM FOR YOU}
255
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:44,714
Look at this.
256
00:14:44,839 --> 00:14:48,946
Premium 80-pound matte card stock,
the letters are raised. I'm a dead man!
257
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,350
This is perfect.
Just phone the guy,
258
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:54,799
pretend you're your alter ego
and call off the hit.
259
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,456
That's genius.
260
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,229
I think I can sound like him.
261
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:07,520
- Hello, this is Sidney Huffman.
- Hey, Sidney, what do you want?
262
00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:09,429
Make it quick,
I got my girls this weekend.
263
00:15:09,554 --> 00:15:12,485
Listen, I want to call off
the hit on Roger Smith.
264
00:15:12,741 --> 00:15:14,380
No problem,
I just need the password.
265
00:15:14,505 --> 00:15:15,876
Password?
266
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:18,889
Come on, the password you chose
in case you'd want to call off the hit.
267
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,892
I believe my password is...
268
00:15:22,184 --> 00:15:24,210
- Password.
- No, it's not.
269
00:15:25,086 --> 00:15:27,191
I got little Miss Fussy here
270
00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:29,657
so call me back with the password
or Roger Smith is dead.
271
00:15:34,292 --> 00:15:36,074
Remember me?
The guy who ruined your life.
272
00:15:36,199 --> 00:15:38,185
I need to know
some of Sidney's favorite words.
273
00:15:38,469 --> 00:15:39,553
Favorite words?
274
00:15:39,827 --> 00:15:42,898
You mean like herpes?
Syphilis? Gonorrhoea?
275
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:46,610
Look, I am Sidney, OK?
If you don't help me, I'm dead.
276
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:47,916
You're Sidney?
277
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:50,352
What do you think I am? Stupid?
278
00:15:50,477 --> 00:15:53,699
You're the dumbest person I've ever met.
And I'm Sidney!
279
00:15:53,932 --> 00:15:55,993
Well, Sidney
would never talk to me like that.
280
00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:01,724
Is that you?
281
00:16:01,849 --> 00:16:03,707
But I don't understand.
282
00:16:05,513 --> 00:16:07,491
- Where did you go?
- It's a disguise.
283
00:16:08,474 --> 00:16:09,613
I get it.
284
00:16:09,738 --> 00:16:13,623
You know, Sid, I guess we all wear masks
in some way or another.
285
00:16:13,748 --> 00:16:16,435
We all wear metaphorical mask
to hide our true selves in them.
286
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,059
In personal modern society...
But what I need to know is
287
00:16:28,636 --> 00:16:30,279
Roger, I know you're in there.
288
00:16:30,449 --> 00:16:32,448
Come out or your girlfriend gets it.
289
00:16:34,624 --> 00:16:36,900
You're just gonna abandoned her,
you monster?
290
00:16:38,473 --> 00:16:41,214
Good. You can tell me the password
so I can call off the hit.
291
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:44,327
Fat chance, mister.
Not after you ruined my life.
292
00:16:44,452 --> 00:16:45,780
I didn't ruin anything.
293
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,776
You're just one of my persona
has gone a AWOL.
294
00:16:47,901 --> 00:16:49,466
What? That's crazy.
295
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:50,527
It's true.
296
00:16:50,789 --> 00:16:52,446
You're just an extension of me.
297
00:16:52,802 --> 00:16:54,470
Why else do you think
you had my glove?
298
00:16:54,739 --> 00:16:56,014
Those are my gloves.
299
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,057
The ones I bought when I met Judy.
300
00:16:58,605 --> 00:16:59,904
Wait, that's it.
301
00:17:00,238 --> 00:17:02,621
Now I remember how all this began.
302
00:17:03,187 --> 00:17:06,177
It was 2 months ago and I was coming
home from a night of drinking
303
00:17:06,302 --> 00:17:07,834
and shooting dice with Armenians.
304
00:17:08,101 --> 00:17:09,570
That's when I saw them.
305
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,732
The perfect pair of gloves.
306
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,070
But they cost $10.
307
00:17:14,308 --> 00:17:17,037
Ten times
my monthly budget for hand clothes.
308
00:17:17,668 --> 00:17:19,181
Alas, the case was locked
309
00:17:19,431 --> 00:17:21,218
and the key was with the shop girl.
310
00:17:21,545 --> 00:17:22,893
Damn it, Judy, you're late!
311
00:17:23,018 --> 00:17:24,645
Sorry, Mr. Bill Tucker,
312
00:17:24,770 --> 00:17:27,660
my boyfriend Rico got drunk
and buried me alive.
313
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:29,221
And if that wasn't bad enough,
314
00:17:29,346 --> 00:17:30,770
then he broke up with me.
315
00:17:30,895 --> 00:17:33,258
That's what you get for letting
jerks treat you like garbage.
316
00:17:35,531 --> 00:17:36,372
I know.
317
00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:38,153
All I want in this life is
318
00:17:38,278 --> 00:17:41,642
a good-hearted employed sober fella
who treats me nice.
319
00:17:42,435 --> 00:17:44,675
That's when I came up
with a brilliant scheme.
320
00:17:46,314 --> 00:17:47,481
May I help you, sir?
321
00:17:48,098 --> 00:17:50,898
I found my hands
get chilly when I'm...
322
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:55,742
out selling bibles or tending
to underprivileged pigeons in the park.
323
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,011
Some have suggested the warmth
of an Irish coffee but
324
00:17:59,136 --> 00:18:02,376
as I don't partake of devil's nectar,
I've decided upon gloves.
325
00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:06,500
Well, aren't you a good-hearted
employed sober fella?
326
00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:09,462
- Dentine Ice
- Who treats me nice.
327
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,673
- I'm Judy.
- I'm Sidney Huffman.
328
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:15,050
I knew if I could win her confident,
329
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,661
I'd be able to get that key.
330
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:18,796
Then it will be "Hello, gloves"
331
00:18:19,052 --> 00:18:20,768
and "Goobye, not gloves".
332
00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:25,028
So everyday for the next few weeks,
I visited Judy as Sidney.
333
00:18:26,303 --> 00:18:28,397
But I couldn't get close
to that key.
334
00:18:29,253 --> 00:18:31,696
And suddenly,
I had another brilliant scam.
335
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,621
That'll be $700.
336
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,759
The store clerks knew me
as Sidney Huffman.
337
00:18:36,009 --> 00:18:38,798
So I had a credit card
on my account issued in that name.
338
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:42,557
Wait, you spent $700
just to steal $10 gloves?
339
00:18:43,243 --> 00:18:44,126
Shut up!
340
00:18:45,951 --> 00:18:47,166
Try it on, my begonia.
341
00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:54,168
This mirror is for customers.
342
00:18:54,293 --> 00:18:56,973
You have to go to the break room
and use the employee's mirror.
343
00:18:57,357 --> 00:18:59,442
You're right.
I'll be right back.
344
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:06,315
Judy, you idiot!
345
00:19:06,637 --> 00:19:09,211
You left the case open
and a pair of gloves are gone!
346
00:19:09,509 --> 00:19:10,498
You're fired!
347
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,668
I tried to leave but couldn't.
348
00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:17,248
I actually liked that dumb girl.
349
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,507
And caring about someone
more than myself
350
00:19:19,632 --> 00:19:21,853
was a trauma too great
for my psyche to bear.
351
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,263
Something in me split
352
00:19:24,388 --> 00:19:26,675
and a part of me that cared about Judy
was born.
353
00:19:29,862 --> 00:19:32,646
Excuse me. I was just looking
at these gloves in the light.
354
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:35,778
And thanks to your wonderful sales girl,
I'll take them.
355
00:19:36,866 --> 00:19:39,368
From that moment on,
you had a life of your own.
356
00:19:39,937 --> 00:19:41,553
Like what Katie Holmes used to have.
357
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,250
That explain everything.
358
00:19:43,589 --> 00:19:45,884
But I don't care if you created me,
I want to live!
359
00:19:46,009 --> 00:19:48,487
That's the beauty of it.
Both of us can live,
360
00:19:48,791 --> 00:19:52,258
together as one person
who is the best of both of us.
361
00:19:52,551 --> 00:19:54,066
You just need to call off the hit.
362
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,377
The password is:
363
00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,599
- Password 1.
- Hey, that's it.
364
00:20:00,822 --> 00:20:02,888
I require letters and numbers.
365
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,932
All right, girl, yogurt time.
366
00:20:05,057 --> 00:20:06,975
He's gone, Sidney. Come on out.
367
00:20:07,476 --> 00:20:08,560
Let's go to her.
368
00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:10,193
Together.
369
00:20:15,159 --> 00:20:16,624
Oh, cheese and crackers!
370
00:20:17,995 --> 00:20:19,985
Sorry, Syd. You're a good egg.
371
00:20:20,402 --> 00:20:21,737
And that cramps my style.
372
00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:26,528
- I was so...
- Beat it!
373
00:20:26,653 --> 00:20:29,834
Sidney is gone and this guy
only looks out for numero uno.
374
00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:31,812
All you care about is pizza?
375
00:20:36,196 --> 00:20:37,240
Figures! {\cf urbandictionary}
376
00:20:37,365 --> 00:20:39,445
I finally find the perfect fella,
377
00:20:39,570 --> 00:20:42,774
and he's a figment
of someone's imagination.
378
00:20:48,970 --> 00:20:49,828
Want to...
379
00:20:50,257 --> 00:20:51,186
go get dinner?
380
00:20:57,878 --> 00:20:59,428
You should know I'm a drunk.
381
00:21:00,053 --> 00:21:02,162
Just like my father.
382
00:21:05,116 --> 00:21:06,431
And I have no genitals.
383
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,617
That's OK, I have both.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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