1
00:00:01,096 --> 00:00:03,063
Ok I'm gonna order us some drinks.
What can I get you?

2
00:00:03,131 --> 00:00:06,533
Anything blue.
Or yellow.

3
00:00:06,601 --> 00:00:08,335
On the off chance
they don't have either,

4
00:00:08,403 --> 00:00:09,803
is there another primary
color I can get for you?

5
00:00:11,072 --> 00:00:12,106
Pink.

6
00:00:12,173 --> 00:00:13,740
Be right back.

7
00:00:14,976 --> 00:00:16,477
How's your date going?

8
00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:18,512
She would like a blue drink

9
00:00:18,580 --> 00:00:22,249
or a yellow drink
or a pink drink.

10
00:00:22,317 --> 00:00:25,854
You want me to put it
in a sippy cup?

11
00:00:25,921 --> 00:00:27,789
Yeah, I should have known.

12
00:00:27,857 --> 00:00:30,158
On Facebook she said she wasn't
very good at conversationing.

13
00:00:30,226 --> 00:00:32,561
She seems bangable,

14
00:00:32,628 --> 00:00:35,797
in a Megan's Law kind of a way.

15
00:00:35,865 --> 00:00:39,134
Hey, she's older than
she looks and acts and is.

16
00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:42,170
- Hey.
- Oh, crap. Hey.

17
00:00:42,238 --> 00:00:44,072
What are you guys doing here?

18
00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:46,141
Oh, we were out getting stuff
to make jewelry

19
00:00:46,209 --> 00:00:48,009
and decided to grab
something to eat.

20
00:00:48,077 --> 00:00:50,311
- Are you on a date?
- Absolutely not.

21
00:00:50,379 --> 00:00:53,147
Just stopped in for
a quick whiskey and...

22
00:00:53,215 --> 00:00:55,250
Windex.

23
00:00:55,317 --> 00:00:57,819
Oh, good.
Blue.

24
00:00:59,689 --> 00:01:01,791
Oh, you mean a date.

25
00:01:01,858 --> 00:01:04,860
This is Daytona.
Daytona, this is my ex-wife Jennifer

26
00:01:04,928 --> 00:01:07,763
- and my daughter Sam.
- Hi.

27
00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:14,003
Okay, I know I said it's a date,
but it's not a date date.

28
00:01:14,070 --> 00:01:16,605
It's more like two ships
passing in the night

29
00:01:16,673 --> 00:01:19,775
and one ship
is heading to LEGOLAND.

30
00:01:19,843 --> 00:01:22,178
It's okay, Dad.
You don't have to make excuses.

31
00:01:22,245 --> 00:01:24,814
- You can go out with whoever you want.
- No, I know, I know.

32
00:01:24,882 --> 00:01:26,516
I just want you to know I don't
normally date women like that.

33
00:01:26,583 --> 00:01:29,118
Yes, you do.

34
00:01:29,186 --> 00:01:31,788
What, what, what?
How would you know?

35
00:01:31,856 --> 00:01:33,923
I look at your friends
list on Facebook.

36
00:01:33,991 --> 00:01:35,692
You let her spy
on me like that?

37
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,628
I can't help it. She changed the
password and locked me out.

38
00:01:38,696 --> 00:01:40,731
I've got to take
a class or something.

39
00:01:42,801 --> 00:01:45,002
It's okay, Dad.
You like hotties.

40
00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:47,638
It's kind of superficial,
but I still love you.

41
00:01:47,706 --> 00:01:50,908
I am not superficial.
I date all kinds of women.

42
00:01:50,976 --> 00:01:53,011
So it's just a coincidence
they're all hotties?

43
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,113
It is a fundamental law
of human nature

44
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,115
that good-looking people
are attracted to each other.

45
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,984
I'm just a tool of evolution.

46
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,555
This is how our species
gets hotter.

47
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,893
Okay, now that we're all here,
I thought everyone should know

48
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,628
that we have a new member
joining us today.

49
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:12,497
Her name is Mel and she should
fit nicely with this group.

50
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:14,766
Finally, it'll be nice
to have a girl in the group.

51
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,735
Hey!

52
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,971
Patrick, why do you always
take shots at Lacey?

53
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:20,706
You seem to have a real
resentment towards her.

54
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,741
She's pretty, she's rich,
she's spoiled.

55
00:02:22,808 --> 00:02:25,944
- She's everything you want to be.
- Shut up, Ed.

56
00:02:26,011 --> 00:02:27,912
What Ed said.

57
00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:29,914
- <i>( Doorbell rings )</i>
- Remember, Patrick,

58
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:32,650
there is nothing more
unattractive than envy.

59
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:38,089
I think envy's here.

60
00:02:38,156 --> 00:02:40,190
You must be Mel.
Welcome to the group.

61
00:02:40,258 --> 00:02:42,225
Sorry I'm late.
I couldn't find the house.

62
00:02:42,293 --> 00:02:44,227
Then I found it.

63
00:02:46,431 --> 00:02:48,498
Oh, that's it?

64
00:02:48,566 --> 00:02:50,834
Okay. Everybody,
this is Mel.

65
00:02:50,902 --> 00:02:53,436
Mel, this is Lacey,
Nolan, Patrick and Ed.

66
00:02:53,504 --> 00:02:55,338
Have a seat.

67
00:02:57,441 --> 00:03:00,010
Just so you know, there's
no pressure to talk today.

68
00:03:00,078 --> 00:03:01,244
You can just observe
if you'd like.

69
00:03:01,312 --> 00:03:03,480
No, I'd like to jump right in.

70
00:03:03,548 --> 00:03:06,383
I like this fella.
Doesn't mess around.

71
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,720
Okay, Mel, you have the floor.

72
00:03:09,788 --> 00:03:11,723
Well, it all started
with this guy.

73
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:14,292
Of course it did.
Jerks.

74
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,663
Lacey, I think you're coloring
this with your experience.

75
00:03:17,730 --> 00:03:20,299
Her boyfriend cheated on
her and she shot him.

76
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,802
Nolan, when Lacey is ready to
tell Mel her story, I'm sure...

77
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,838
- In the balls.
- And there it is.

78
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,875
- Go on, Mel.
- Well, I met this guy.

79
00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:31,545
He changed my life.
He gave me hope.

80
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,481
And now I'm beginning to think it was
all based on a lie and I'm angry.

81
00:03:34,549 --> 00:03:35,782
- Been there.
- Done that.

82
00:03:35,850 --> 00:03:38,052
Me, too.
Obama.

83
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,289
I was so upset,
I started to doubt myself.

84
00:03:42,357 --> 00:03:46,260
I lost about 100 pounds,
I had tons of cosmetic surgery.

85
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,128
I see why you're angry.
You're mad at your plastic surgeon.

86
00:03:50,399 --> 00:03:53,000
I would sue that butcher
for everything he's got.

87
00:03:53,068 --> 00:03:55,236
Guys, guys, guys.

88
00:03:55,304 --> 00:03:58,039
Can we please refrain from comments
till Mel is done with her story?

89
00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,876
And, Mel, try to avoid
pausing between sentences.

90
00:04:00,943 --> 00:04:05,046
Anyway, I lived in this little
town outside Beloit, Wisconsin,

91
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:07,649
and Beloit had its own
single A baseball team.

92
00:04:07,716 --> 00:04:09,684
I know Beloit.

93
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,519
When I was a ballplayer,
we used to play that team.

94
00:04:11,587 --> 00:04:13,687
There was this place, Nate's.

95
00:04:13,755 --> 00:04:15,622
Nate's Diner.
They had killer apple pie.

96
00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,657
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.

97
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,726
I met this guy at Nate's Diner.

98
00:04:19,794 --> 00:04:23,596
And he was a ballplayer,
too, from the visiting team.

99
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:25,998
He told me I was the prettiest
girl in the greater Beloit area,

100
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,733
but after we made love,
I never heard from him again.

101
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:35,808
You know, now that
I think about it,

102
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,610
I don't think I ever
played ball in Beloit.

103
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,247
Also, I'm allergic to apples.

104
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:43,983
So, that's weird.

105
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,217
I was okay with him
not calling.

106
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,020
I still felt special
that he picked me.

107
00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:50,823
But then last year I heard about
this superstition in baseball

108
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,325
where if a player's in a hitting
slump, he tries to break it

109
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,260
by sleeping with the
ugliest girl he can find.

110
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:59,764
And that naive,
small-town,

111
00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:03,334
big-boned girl is called
a slump-buster.

112
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:07,637
Slump-buster? Wow.

113
00:05:07,705 --> 00:05:09,740
This sounds like
an urban legend to me.

114
00:05:09,808 --> 00:05:11,608
Like the Loch Ness
Monster or Bigfoot.

115
00:05:13,778 --> 00:05:16,413
Bad analogy.

116
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,849
Mel, have you ever considered
this guy was just hot

117
00:05:18,916 --> 00:05:20,283
for full-figured
ladies?

118
00:05:20,351 --> 00:05:22,085
Were you, Charlie?

119
00:05:22,153 --> 00:05:24,487
Or was I
your slump-buster?

120
00:05:26,724 --> 00:05:29,493
Who didn't see that coming?

121
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,829
Me, up until about 30 seconds ago.
( clears throat )

122
00:05:32,127 --> 00:05:37,832
Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for
www.addic7ed.com.

123
00:05:38,295 --> 00:05:40,696
Okay, I do remember you.

124
00:05:40,764 --> 00:05:43,299
But I was just a dumb
ballplayer back then.

125
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,135
You didn't have to be a slump-buster
for me not to call you the next day.

126
00:05:46,203 --> 00:05:49,805
You just had to be
any woman I had sex with.

127
00:05:49,873 --> 00:05:53,008
I told you, I don't care
that you didn't call.

128
00:05:53,076 --> 00:05:54,944
That night changed my life.

129
00:05:55,011 --> 00:05:58,414
In my town, I was known as the girl
who slept with Charlie Goodson.

130
00:05:58,482 --> 00:06:01,351
And I always thought of myself
as the guy who slept with Mel...

131
00:06:03,054 --> 00:06:05,355
from that town.

132
00:06:05,423 --> 00:06:07,658
It meant everything.

133
00:06:07,726 --> 00:06:11,129
Out of all the girls in the pie-eating
contest that night, you picked me.

134
00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:13,832
I hooked up with
a hot baseball player.

135
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:17,202
Then my cousin heard about
slump-busters on a sports talk show.

136
00:06:17,270 --> 00:06:18,937
I became the joke of the town.

137
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,505
I couldn't even look
at myself in the mirror.

138
00:06:20,573 --> 00:06:22,841
Yeah, I understand.

139
00:06:22,908 --> 00:06:25,276
I mean, I understand.

140
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:27,779
I spent everything
I had on plastic surgery

141
00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,315
and it still didn't make me
feel better about myself.

142
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:33,684
But if you tell me I'm not your
slump-buster, I'll believe you.

143
00:06:33,752 --> 00:06:36,220
And I can go back home
and tell everybody,

144
00:06:36,288 --> 00:06:37,822
"Screw you,
I know better."

145
00:06:39,291 --> 00:06:41,793
- Mel.
- Yes?

146
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,227
You were not
my slump-buster.

147
00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:45,129
I don't believe you.

148
00:06:46,398 --> 00:06:47,732
I would never have done
something like that

149
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,233
just to get
my batting average up.

150
00:06:49,301 --> 00:06:51,502
Really? Because when we
were making love,

151
00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:54,438
I heard you say, "I better make
the Hall of Fame for this."

152
00:06:54,506 --> 00:06:57,909
Yes. The Hall of Fame
of sex.

153
00:06:59,178 --> 00:07:02,080
I meant with all
the positions and the stuff.

154
00:07:02,147 --> 00:07:03,515
It was one for the ages.

155
00:07:04,884 --> 00:07:07,052
- You just laid there.
- I was in awe!

156
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:14,092
I didn't sleep with you
because you were unattractive.

157
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,396
I slept with you
because you were drunk

158
00:07:17,463 --> 00:07:19,364
and easy and you
smelled like pie.

159
00:07:21,033 --> 00:07:23,734
You're just trying to sweet-talk
your way out of this.

160
00:07:23,802 --> 00:07:26,503
If I were, I wouldn't be offering
to have dinner with you.

161
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,738
- Really?
- Yes.

162
00:07:28,806 --> 00:07:30,407
Then, when you go home,
you can be the girl

163
00:07:30,474 --> 00:07:32,008
who had dinner
with Charlie Goodson.

164
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:33,476
Where will you take me?

165
00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:36,112
I-I-I could take
you anywhere.

166
00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,548
But I want this to be special.

167
00:07:38,615 --> 00:07:40,416
I'm gonna make dinner for
you as a guest in my home.

168
00:07:40,484 --> 00:07:43,386
- You'd really do that?
- I'd love to.

169
00:07:43,454 --> 00:07:45,855
I'm a great cook.
Is there anything you can't eat?

170
00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:48,325
No, I'm fine with
pretty much everything.

171
00:07:48,392 --> 00:07:49,826
Well, all I can
make is spaghetti.

172
00:07:49,894 --> 00:07:52,562
Oh, okay. I'll bring my EpiPen.

173
00:07:52,630 --> 00:07:54,663
You may have to jam it
in my thigh.

174
00:07:56,533 --> 00:07:59,002
Until tonight.

175
00:08:03,975 --> 00:08:07,144
It's funny watching
you try to cook.

176
00:08:07,212 --> 00:08:10,214
Look, if you're just gonna stand there
drinking beer and criticizing me,

177
00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:11,616
could you at least
take off your top?

178
00:08:13,252 --> 00:08:14,619
I've seen you handle cutlery.

179
00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:16,622
If I take out the girls,
you'll chop off a finger.

180
00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,426
Just do me a favor
and set the table.

181
00:08:20,494 --> 00:08:21,727
Toss me that box of spaghetti.

182
00:08:23,563 --> 00:08:26,165
Besides being a culinary show-off,
why are you doing this?

183
00:08:26,233 --> 00:08:28,334
Because I feel bad.
I want to make amends

184
00:08:28,402 --> 00:08:30,102
for making her think
that she was my slump-buster.

185
00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,539
But she was, right?

186
00:08:33,607 --> 00:08:35,641
Well, yeah.
But I could never tell her that.

187
00:08:35,709 --> 00:08:38,044
It would only confirm her
worst feelings about herself.

188
00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:39,879
So what's the plan here?

189
00:08:39,947 --> 00:08:41,915
Well, I'm gonna cook her a
nice dinner, and that way,

190
00:08:41,982 --> 00:08:43,983
when she goes home tomorrow,
she'll know that I didn't use her.

191
00:08:45,253 --> 00:08:48,221
- But you did.
- Of course.

192
00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:50,457
She's the reason
I got to the majors.

193
00:08:50,525 --> 00:08:52,493
And had that bout
of night terrors.

194
00:08:54,863 --> 00:08:56,364
You know what?
I don't even know how to make spaghetti.

195
00:08:56,432 --> 00:08:58,266
Just read the instructions.

196
00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:01,235
There are no instructions
on spaghetti.

197
00:09:01,303 --> 00:09:02,837
It's like doorknobs.

198
00:09:02,905 --> 00:09:05,373
You're just supposed
to know what to do.

199
00:09:05,441 --> 00:09:07,308
I think you're crazy, okay?

200
00:09:07,376 --> 00:09:09,310
This woman has had a fantasy
relationship with you

201
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:12,046
for the past 16 years.
Now she's tracked you down,

202
00:09:12,114 --> 00:09:13,548
exposed you in front
of your patients.

203
00:09:13,616 --> 00:09:16,051
And you're so busy trying
to be a better guy,

204
00:09:16,118 --> 00:09:18,653
that you are cooking
dinner for a stalker.

205
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:20,823
She's not a stalker.

206
00:09:20,890 --> 00:09:23,525
She's just a woman with
pathologically low self-esteem,

207
00:09:23,593 --> 00:09:26,495
obsessive fixations, and a tendency
toward grandiose delusions.

208
00:09:28,165 --> 00:09:29,498
Let's put the knives away.

209
00:09:31,535 --> 00:09:34,037
Maybe you should call it off.

210
00:09:34,105 --> 00:09:37,041
And piss off
my stalker? No.

211
00:09:37,108 --> 00:09:39,310
Just got to get through this
dinner as quickly as possible.

212
00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,681
Oh, look, I found
the directions.

213
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,583
Put pasta in boiling water.

214
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:48,584
For best results, prepare
while staring at boobs.

215
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:52,891
I'm gonna need you
to stand right there.

216
00:09:57,329 --> 00:10:00,999
So after the lipo, the next
surgery I had was the Lap Band.

217
00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:04,202
And the first meal after
that was a real mess.

218
00:10:04,269 --> 00:10:07,572
They tell you just to have Jell-O,
but I had catfish jambalaya.

219
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:11,643
I never knew how far
vomit could go.

220
00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:13,345
If I hadn't been
in a crowded elevator,

221
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:15,314
I think I would have broken
some kind of record.

222
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:20,285
Wow, that's like three awesome
surgery stories in a row.

223
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,156
If you're watching your weight, I
can help you with that spaghetti.

224
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,625
Oh, no. I'm just
making it last.

225
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:29,228
I've fantasized about
this date for so long...

226
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,999
the food, the candlelight,
the conversation.

227
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,568
Did I tell you they
took off my nipples?

228
00:10:37,338 --> 00:10:40,240
No. They put them
back on, right?

229
00:10:41,643 --> 00:10:43,611
Are you flirting
with me, Mr. Goodson?

230
00:10:45,147 --> 00:10:46,481
No, I just want to make sure
you got what you paid for.

231
00:10:48,818 --> 00:10:50,619
Let me help you
with that spaghetti.

232
00:10:55,092 --> 00:10:57,593
"Lady and the Tramp."
"Lady and the Tramp."

233
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,700
<i>( knocking )</i>

234
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,405
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey.

235
00:11:10,473 --> 00:11:12,808
- What are you guys doing here?
- Sam left her backpack.

236
00:11:12,875 --> 00:11:14,109
What, are you on a date?

237
00:11:14,177 --> 00:11:16,712
I don't think it's a date, Mom.

238
00:11:16,779 --> 00:11:18,881
She looks like
a regular person.

239
00:11:18,948 --> 00:11:21,317
What's that supposed to mean?
I go out with regular people, too.

240
00:11:21,385 --> 00:11:23,519
- So this is a date?
- Yes.

241
00:11:23,587 --> 00:11:26,956
- A date date?
- Yes yes.

242
00:11:27,024 --> 00:11:29,726
Wow, Dad. I'm so proud of you.

243
00:11:29,793 --> 00:11:31,394
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

244
00:11:31,462 --> 00:11:33,596
Can we meet her?

245
00:11:33,664 --> 00:11:35,965
Well, you know, it's our first time together.
You understand, right, Jen?

246
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:37,333
No, I'd like to meet her.
Come on, Sam.

247
00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:41,003
Guys, this is Mel.

248
00:11:41,071 --> 00:11:44,607
Mel, this is my ex-wife Jen
and my daughter Sam.

249
00:11:44,675 --> 00:11:47,277
Just so you know, Mel,
you're dating a great guy.

250
00:11:47,344 --> 00:11:50,213
Dating? Did your dad
tell you that?

251
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,915
Yeah.
Right, Dad?

252
00:11:51,982 --> 00:11:54,517
- Yeah, I did.
- Wow.

253
00:11:54,585 --> 00:11:57,019
I'm just so excited.

254
00:11:57,087 --> 00:11:59,955
I know. Me, too.
Let's never lose this.

255
00:12:01,491 --> 00:12:03,325
Hey, Mom, can I invite
them to come over

256
00:12:03,393 --> 00:12:04,727
and make jewelry with us
tomorrow night?

257
00:12:04,794 --> 00:12:06,495
No, no, no, we wouldn't
want to impose.

258
00:12:06,563 --> 00:12:08,864
- Oh, no, I insist.
- Of course you do.

259
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:13,302
I can't wait to learn
all about what this is.

260
00:12:14,504 --> 00:12:15,837
I love making jewelry.

261
00:12:15,905 --> 00:12:17,806
I made tiaras for all my cats.

262
00:12:19,108 --> 00:12:20,676
This is gonna be so much fun.

263
00:12:22,345 --> 00:12:24,312
I'm so excited, I'm gonna bust.

264
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,116
I just got to go use
the little girls' room.

265
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,318
You know, to fix my face.

266
00:12:32,689 --> 00:12:34,023
Nobody?

267
00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:37,960
Good for you.

268
00:12:41,382 --> 00:12:44,384
Look, before we begin, I want to
talk about what happened yesterday.

269
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,854
You all witnessed
what we in therapy

270
00:12:47,922 --> 00:12:49,656
call a train wreck.

271
00:12:51,226 --> 00:12:52,426
I don't want
this to distract us,

272
00:12:52,493 --> 00:12:54,161
so we're just gonna
keep moving forward.

273
00:12:54,229 --> 00:12:56,430
I have something important about
my life I'd like to discuss.

274
00:12:56,497 --> 00:12:58,465
Thank you.
Lacey.

275
00:12:58,533 --> 00:13:01,668
How am I supposed to work through
my issues with men being dicks

276
00:13:01,736 --> 00:13:04,738
while women are showing up in this group
as a result of your past dickness?

277
00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:10,378
Look, like all of you,
I've made mistakes.

278
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:13,248
And unfortunately yesterday one of
those mistakes reared its ugly head.

279
00:13:13,315 --> 00:13:15,617
Now when I say ugly head, I'm
using the term as a metaphor

280
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:17,453
and not a description
for that young lady.

281
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,456
And her ugly head.

282
00:13:20,524 --> 00:13:21,824
So how did you deal with it?

283
00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,259
I talked to her

284
00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:24,727
and we're working on
building her self-esteem.

285
00:13:24,795 --> 00:13:26,263
Really? 'Cause it says
on Facebook

286
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:28,898
that you're dating her.

287
00:13:28,966 --> 00:13:30,934
It's radical
self-esteem therapy.

288
00:13:31,001 --> 00:13:32,135
You guys wouldn't understand.

289
00:13:33,404 --> 00:13:35,038
You're dating your stalker?

290
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,274
See? Other people
make it work.

291
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,010
How could she be my stalker
if I'm dating her?

292
00:13:41,078 --> 00:13:42,445
I mean, come on.
Think about it.

293
00:13:42,513 --> 00:13:44,080
It doesn't make sense,
does it? No, of course not.

294
00:13:44,148 --> 00:13:45,982
Moving on.

295
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:49,252
Her status update says she's
making jewelry with you tonight

296
00:13:49,319 --> 00:13:51,287
and she's hoping for a ring.

297
00:13:51,355 --> 00:13:53,889
Smile, winky face.

298
00:13:53,957 --> 00:13:55,691
Oh, God.

299
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,894
All right, all right,
look, look.

300
00:13:57,961 --> 00:14:01,464
The lesson here...
and there are many lessons...

301
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:04,567
but the headline lesson
is whatever you do,

302
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:07,070
never use
a slump-buster.

303
00:14:08,606 --> 00:14:10,907
I realize this doesn't
apply to everybody,

304
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,743
but for the love of God,

305
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:16,112
just don't.

306
00:14:18,249 --> 00:14:20,117
So, Mel, you never told
us how you met my dad.

307
00:14:20,185 --> 00:14:22,386
Oh, this is my favorite story.

308
00:14:22,453 --> 00:14:24,588
Oh, let me tell.
You always get to tell.

309
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,458
Okay.
It's really magical.

310
00:14:27,525 --> 00:14:28,926
It's like out of a movie.

311
00:14:30,428 --> 00:14:33,130
We met at a diner
and she was eating a pie.

312
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:35,833
Would you pass
the red beads, please?

313
00:14:37,703 --> 00:14:41,071
Don't be shy.
It was 16 years ago.

314
00:14:41,139 --> 00:14:44,441
I was in a pie-eating contest
and your daddy was the prize.

315
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,843
Wait, 16 years ago?
That doesn't make sense.

316
00:14:46,911 --> 00:14:49,446
- My parents were still married.
- Yes, we were.

317
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,682
Which is why Mel and I
could only be friends.

318
00:14:51,750 --> 00:14:53,984
But we had a connection

319
00:14:54,052 --> 00:14:56,687
that lasted all these years.

320
00:14:56,754 --> 00:14:58,622
And now...

321
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:02,159
the universe has
brought her back to me.

322
00:15:02,227 --> 00:15:04,929
As ours is a relationship

323
00:15:04,997 --> 00:15:06,897
that knows no constraints

324
00:15:06,965 --> 00:15:09,634
of time nor space.

325
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,836
- <i>( Timer dings )</i>
- That was the beads.

326
00:15:11,904 --> 00:15:13,171
They're ready to come
out of the oven.

327
00:15:13,238 --> 00:15:15,373
Mel, can you help me?

328
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,609
You know, Charlie, the whole
time you've been here,

329
00:15:17,676 --> 00:15:20,044
I haven't seen
you hold Mel's hand

330
00:15:20,112 --> 00:15:22,646
or give her a kiss or anything.

331
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,781
Well, you know
how new couples are.

332
00:15:24,849 --> 00:15:26,383
We don't want to gross you out.

333
00:15:27,585 --> 00:15:29,119
She's going to the kitchen.

334
00:15:29,187 --> 00:15:31,588
Can you handle that
much time and space?

335
00:15:32,924 --> 00:15:34,692
I know I can't.

336
00:15:41,366 --> 00:15:44,101
You taste like home.

337
00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:46,804
And you taste like spaghetti.

338
00:15:46,872 --> 00:15:49,841
It's the garlic.
I sweat it.

339
00:15:49,909 --> 00:15:52,377
And you are making me sweat.

340
00:15:53,979 --> 00:15:56,148
Hey, you guys, stay
right where you are.

341
00:15:56,215 --> 00:15:58,249
I want to get a picture
of the two of you

342
00:15:58,317 --> 00:16:01,653
so I can post it on everything.

343
00:16:01,721 --> 00:16:03,555
( Camera clicks )

344
00:16:05,558 --> 00:16:07,260
You better get
into the kitchen.

345
00:16:07,327 --> 00:16:08,528
I think somebody's
beads are burning.

346
00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:10,430
They are now.

347
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:17,238
- What the hell are you doing?
- What the hell are you doing?

348
00:16:17,305 --> 00:16:19,140
Look, I'm in trouble, okay?

349
00:16:19,208 --> 00:16:20,942
Mel was a slump-buster from Beloit
and now she thinks we're dating.

350
00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:22,544
I mean, it's a long story.

351
00:16:22,612 --> 00:16:24,379
Actually, that's
the entire story.

352
00:16:24,446 --> 00:16:26,781
I knew it.
You're using that woman

353
00:16:26,849 --> 00:16:28,949
to make your daughter think
you're not superficial.

354
00:16:29,017 --> 00:16:31,853
I know. I just need you to
help me through the next hour.

355
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,588
Get her back to the hotel,
put her on a flight tomorrow,

356
00:16:34,656 --> 00:16:38,059
and this whole thing will be over.
She's happy, Sam's happy,

357
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:40,461
and you and I will
have a fun little secret.

358
00:16:40,529 --> 00:16:42,764
- Like on our honeymoon when you let me...
- That never happened.

359
00:16:48,337 --> 00:16:50,439
( Lisping ) I'm so sorry, Charlie.
I feel so bad.

360
00:16:50,506 --> 00:16:53,542
My tongue swells when I have
an allergic reaction.

361
00:16:53,609 --> 00:16:56,612
I completely forgot
Peanut M&Ms have peanuts.

362
00:16:58,114 --> 00:16:59,748
Shouldn't we get you
to an ER or something?

363
00:16:59,816 --> 00:17:01,517
No, no, I just left
my EpiPen in the kitchen.

364
00:17:02,953 --> 00:17:04,320
Okay, but hurry.

365
00:17:04,387 --> 00:17:05,921
We've got to get
you back to the hotel.

366
00:17:07,957 --> 00:17:10,392
Hey, it looks like Jen already
got that photo uploaded.

367
00:17:10,460 --> 00:17:13,528
Facebook, Tumblr,
Twitter, Flickr,

368
00:17:13,596 --> 00:17:17,299
and the website of the American
Psychological Association.

369
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,534
<i>Hey, Charlie.</i>
<i>I found it.</i>

370
00:17:19,602 --> 00:17:20,936
<i>Can you come stick it in me?</i>

371
00:17:28,344 --> 00:17:30,812
Hey, Charlie.

372
00:17:32,849 --> 00:17:34,649
Wait a minute, you weren't
having an allergic reaction.

373
00:17:34,717 --> 00:17:36,651
You were...

374
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:40,855
Wow, they do
good work in Wisconsin.

375
00:17:45,511 --> 00:17:47,345
Ooh, I'm a sexy ghost.

376
00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:48,780
Boo.

377
00:17:50,182 --> 00:17:51,783
That's not why I'm doing this.

378
00:17:51,850 --> 00:17:53,785
This can't happen.

379
00:17:53,853 --> 00:17:55,453
Of course it can.

380
00:17:55,521 --> 00:17:58,423
Do you need to take
a pill or something?

381
00:17:58,490 --> 00:18:01,793
No, no.
I'm very sorry.

382
00:18:01,860 --> 00:18:05,430
I just thought we had
a great night once

383
00:18:05,497 --> 00:18:08,633
and that this could be the start of
something bigger and more beautiful.

384
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:10,234
Oh, wow.

385
00:18:10,302 --> 00:18:13,638
You just made the next thing I'm
about to say very difficult.

386
00:18:15,774 --> 00:18:17,609
We're not really
dating, are we?

387
00:18:18,911 --> 00:18:20,878
No.

388
00:18:20,946 --> 00:18:23,214
I was your slump-buster,
wasn't I?

389
00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:28,219
Yes.

390
00:18:30,989 --> 00:18:33,924
And I am very, very sorry.

391
00:18:33,992 --> 00:18:35,793
Why didn't you just tell me?

392
00:18:35,861 --> 00:18:38,129
I didn't want you to think
that way about yourself,

393
00:18:38,196 --> 00:18:39,664
because that's
not how I think of you.

394
00:18:39,732 --> 00:18:42,567
To me, you'll always be
that pie eating champion

395
00:18:42,635 --> 00:18:45,270
who could raise a naked man
clean over her head.

396
00:18:47,039 --> 00:18:48,573
I don't believe this.

397
00:18:48,641 --> 00:18:51,576
I spent all this time and money
making my body look like this

398
00:18:51,644 --> 00:18:53,946
and you still don't want
to make love to me.

399
00:18:54,014 --> 00:18:56,482
That would have been wrong.

400
00:18:56,549 --> 00:18:57,983
That's the old me.

401
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,389
Now what am I gonna do?
Look at me.

402
00:19:03,456 --> 00:19:05,591
I'm too hot to even
be a slump-buster.

403
00:19:06,826 --> 00:19:08,494
No, you're not.

404
00:19:08,562 --> 00:19:10,129
Okay, I can't win that one.

405
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:15,467
Look, you are still
the same confident,

406
00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:16,835
amazing person you were

407
00:19:16,902 --> 00:19:18,970
when you thought you were
just a hot one-night stand.

408
00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:23,141
Bet I could still
lift you over my head.

409
00:19:23,209 --> 00:19:25,143
Yes. Yes,
that's the confidence

410
00:19:25,211 --> 00:19:27,045
that's in you
no matter what I did.

411
00:19:27,113 --> 00:19:29,615
That's not just some nipple you
can take off and put back on.

412
00:19:29,683 --> 00:19:31,016
That's forever.

413
00:19:38,158 --> 00:19:40,392
- <i>( Knock on door )</i>
- Hey. You ready?

414
00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:43,061
Oh, softball time, right.

415
00:19:43,129 --> 00:19:45,797
Yes, I am ready to go.
Sam, you wearing your cup?

416
00:19:45,864 --> 00:19:48,667
Are we gonna do this
every single time?

417
00:19:48,734 --> 00:19:50,468
You can just say
you wanted a boy.

418
00:19:50,536 --> 00:19:52,203
Actually, I wanted a dog.

419
00:19:52,271 --> 00:19:55,140
But the landlord wanted a $100
deposit, so here you are.

420
00:19:56,943 --> 00:19:58,944
Could you give
Sam and I a minute?

421
00:19:59,012 --> 00:20:00,579
- I want to clear up a few things about Mel.
- <i>Oh, it's okay, Dad.</i>

422
00:20:00,647 --> 00:20:02,248
Mom already told me.

423
00:20:02,316 --> 00:20:03,916
- She did?
- Yeah.

424
00:20:03,984 --> 00:20:06,920
How you wanted a deeper,
more meaningful relationship

425
00:20:06,987 --> 00:20:09,222
and Mel just wanted
to sleep with you.

426
00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:14,728
How many times is this
gonna happen to me?

427
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:20,166
It's okay, Dad.
Now, come on, I'm gonna be late.

428
00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:22,268
That's my boy.

429
00:20:25,639 --> 00:20:27,840
Wow.
That was amazing.

430
00:20:27,908 --> 00:20:29,876
You're welcome.

431
00:20:29,943 --> 00:20:32,178
You know, you make a much better
ex-wife then you ever did a wife.

432
00:20:33,914 --> 00:20:36,248
- I figured you got the message.
- I did.

433
00:20:36,316 --> 00:20:37,716
- Hey, could you do me another favor?
- What?

434
00:20:37,784 --> 00:20:39,852
I need you to take
Sam for the weekend.

435
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,614
- Why? Where are you going?
- Beloit.

436
00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:45,546
I'm gonna walk up and down on every street holding
hands with Mel for all of her friends to see.

437
00:20:45,781 --> 00:20:49,056
After everything you did
that's all she wants from you?

438
00:20:49,494 --> 00:20:51,149
Small town, small victories.

439
00:20:53,262 --> 00:20:56,079
By the way, you can also thank me
for being so cool.

440
00:20:56,419 --> 00:20:59,611
That's the first woman I met that you
slept with while you were on the road.

441
00:20:59,881 --> 00:21:02,229
Hey, I slept with her for us.

442
00:21:02,349 --> 00:21:04,648
That was to break my slumps so
we can make the big leagues.

443
00:21:04,768 --> 00:21:05,927
Really?

444
00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:08,991
What about that girl Diane from
San Diego?

445
00:21:10,211 --> 00:21:11,549
Oh that was for me.

446
00:21:12,852 --> 00:21:14,507
And a little bit for Diane.

447
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:19,620
Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for
www.addic7ed.com