1 00:00:00,906 --> 00:00:04,747 So Ed, I guess you decided to dance on the edge of the knife 2 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,303 - and go back to Starbucks. - I did what you said. 3 00:00:08,370 --> 00:00:11,377 I ordered my coffee, gave them my name, 4 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:14,686 and stepped to the side like the rest of the morons. 5 00:00:16,925 --> 00:00:18,592 You've come a long way. 6 00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:21,062 That is a far cry from threatening to... 7 00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:23,500 "shove a bean grinder up a barista's ass." 8 00:00:25,873 --> 00:00:27,240 I know, I know. I'm late, 9 00:00:27,307 --> 00:00:29,143 but it's not my fault. 10 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:32,182 I'm driving down the freeway and this jerk-off cuts right in front of me. 11 00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,686 Luckily, I drifted into the other lane and didn't hit the guy. 12 00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:38,460 Texting saved my life again. 13 00:00:38,527 --> 00:00:40,596 Hopefully you weren't wearing your seat belt either 14 00:00:40,663 --> 00:00:43,097 because if you had hit the guy, you wouldn't have been able to fly through the windshield 15 00:00:43,165 --> 00:00:46,766 - out of harm's way. - Ha. Douche. 16 00:00:48,737 --> 00:00:50,906 Anyway, I was argu-texting with my mom. 17 00:00:50,973 --> 00:00:53,476 She's mad because another car insurance company dropped us 18 00:00:53,544 --> 00:00:55,646 because of all my accidents. 19 00:00:55,714 --> 00:00:57,817 - I hate that stupid little lizard. - You mean the gecko? 20 00:00:57,884 --> 00:01:00,287 No, my mom. 21 00:01:00,354 --> 00:01:02,189 But instead of calling her that, 22 00:01:02,256 --> 00:01:05,225 I took a moment, found my center, and turned off my phone. 23 00:01:05,293 --> 00:01:08,061 - Guys, this is huge. - This is bigger than huge. 24 00:01:08,129 --> 00:01:10,698 Kim Karcrashian kept her Beemer on the road 25 00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:13,835 and didn't yell at her mom. Call Anderson Cooper. 26 00:01:14,971 --> 00:01:17,273 No, no, no, no. 27 00:01:17,341 --> 00:01:19,976 Lacey's restraint means that all four of you 28 00:01:20,043 --> 00:01:22,278 have gone 30 days without an anger outburst. 29 00:01:22,346 --> 00:01:24,815 - It's a milestone. - Can we get a cake? 30 00:01:24,883 --> 00:01:26,917 Maybe with a woman jumping out of it? 31 00:01:26,985 --> 00:01:28,953 That's not appropriate, Nolan. 32 00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:31,423 You're right. What if it was an angry woman? 33 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,727 Where would we find somebody like that? 34 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:40,435 Angry... cake-sized... 35 00:01:41,904 --> 00:01:44,273 I'll tell you what. Next session, 36 00:01:44,341 --> 00:01:47,075 if we've all kept it together, we'll have a little celebration. 37 00:01:47,143 --> 00:01:50,011 - A cake, a little champagne. - Could we get a real big cake? 38 00:01:50,079 --> 00:01:52,281 You know, just in case somebody has a few glasses of champagne 39 00:01:52,349 --> 00:01:55,084 and a change of heart. 40 00:01:55,152 --> 00:01:56,853 I'm not promising anything, 41 00:01:56,921 --> 00:02:00,490 but me and champagne... 42 00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:02,626 stranger things have happened. 43 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:09,434 You know that thing that you like so much? 44 00:02:09,502 --> 00:02:13,238 That was just the thing that they threw in with the thing that I bought. 45 00:02:13,306 --> 00:02:16,442 It was free. 46 00:02:16,509 --> 00:02:18,878 Well, then I don't feel bad about breaking it. 47 00:02:21,515 --> 00:02:24,585 Okay. I'm going now. 48 00:02:24,652 --> 00:02:26,287 Get off my bra. 49 00:02:29,158 --> 00:02:31,894 Hey, do you want to go to a movie? 50 00:02:31,962 --> 00:02:34,430 - Why? - I don't know. I thought we'd hang out. 51 00:02:34,498 --> 00:02:36,866 Why now? 52 00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:38,734 'Cause it's still early? 53 00:02:38,802 --> 00:02:41,004 No, I mean, why did you ask me that now? 54 00:02:41,072 --> 00:02:42,606 Well, I was going to ask you during sex, 55 00:02:42,674 --> 00:02:44,074 but you and that thing were making so much noise. 56 00:02:46,177 --> 00:02:48,111 Yeah, no. Tonight's no good. Sorry. 57 00:02:48,179 --> 00:02:51,315 - Everything okay? - No, everything's fine. 58 00:02:51,382 --> 00:02:53,083 I just have to do my patient write-ups, 59 00:02:53,151 --> 00:02:55,253 read a couple of psych articles, watch an episode of. 60 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,789 "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." 61 00:02:57,857 --> 00:03:00,992 I love watching their faces when they hear their underwear crying 62 00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:02,494 and realize they're a mama. 63 00:03:04,330 --> 00:03:06,198 I feel like something weird just happened. 64 00:03:06,266 --> 00:03:08,834 That is what they say right before they look in their crying underwear. 65 00:03:10,603 --> 00:03:12,404 ( Theme music playing ) 66 00:03:12,751 --> 00:03:15,500 Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com. 67 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:19,722 - Okay. Well, I will see you later. - Right. 68 00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:22,358 Hey, Charlie. I have to show you something. 69 00:03:22,426 --> 00:03:26,062 - Jen. - Oh. Hey, Kate. 70 00:03:26,129 --> 00:03:29,164 - What are you doing here? - Oh, eh... 71 00:03:29,232 --> 00:03:30,599 Kate came by to help me. 72 00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:33,302 I was in the shower and my back went out again. 73 00:03:33,369 --> 00:03:35,237 Kate is also a certified massage therapist 74 00:03:35,304 --> 00:03:37,205 as well as a real therapist. 75 00:03:37,273 --> 00:03:40,008 She loves the therapies. 76 00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:41,809 - See you tomorrow? - Yup. 77 00:03:44,046 --> 00:03:45,947 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 78 00:03:46,015 --> 00:03:48,383 It's actually great that you're here. 79 00:03:48,450 --> 00:03:50,518 I have to show Charlie something, but I would love your opinion 80 00:03:50,586 --> 00:03:51,820 as a gay woman. 81 00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:57,092 - Oh, I'm sorry. Do you prefer lesbian? - I know I do. 82 00:03:59,395 --> 00:04:02,030 I answer to either. 83 00:04:02,097 --> 00:04:04,199 Check out Sam's Facebook page. 84 00:04:07,103 --> 00:04:10,471 No, man. It is weird to see her kissing a boy. 85 00:04:10,539 --> 00:04:12,873 It's even weirder to see it online. Now that's... 86 00:04:12,941 --> 00:04:15,976 that's a long-haired rocker dude, right? That's not a... 87 00:04:16,044 --> 00:04:19,379 now I see why you wanted the lesbian here. 88 00:04:19,447 --> 00:04:22,182 Yes. Sam's kissing a girl. 89 00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:25,552 She might be gay. How do you want to handle this? 90 00:04:25,619 --> 00:04:28,221 You can't assume she's gay just because she's kissing a girl. 91 00:04:28,289 --> 00:04:30,590 Well, how old were you when you realized you were gay? 92 00:04:30,658 --> 00:04:33,493 I don't remember the exact moment. 93 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,795 I just knew heterosexual sex 94 00:04:35,863 --> 00:04:37,764 was so disappointing. 95 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:42,969 There had to be something better. 96 00:04:43,037 --> 00:04:46,672 Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up some drill bits 97 00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:49,508 at Home Depot, walk my rescue dogs, 98 00:04:49,576 --> 00:04:52,445 and meet another chick so we can move in together. 99 00:04:55,783 --> 00:04:57,650 What should we do, Charlie? 100 00:04:57,718 --> 00:04:59,986 We hear what Sam has to say. 101 00:05:00,053 --> 00:05:02,588 In the meantime, we Photoshop out the girl, 102 00:05:02,656 --> 00:05:05,524 put in Grandma... creepiest Christmas card ever. 103 00:05:09,263 --> 00:05:12,298 You know, Charlie. We're a lot alike, you and I. 104 00:05:12,366 --> 00:05:15,434 Not really. Your voice is a lot lower than mine. 105 00:05:15,502 --> 00:05:18,937 Besides from that. You help people through their problems. 106 00:05:19,004 --> 00:05:21,306 I help people through their problems. 107 00:05:21,374 --> 00:05:25,310 Except I live in my mama's trailer and you live in... 108 00:05:25,378 --> 00:05:27,679 - where do you live, Charlie? - If you're looking for an address, 109 00:05:27,747 --> 00:05:29,481 it's not going to happen. 110 00:05:29,549 --> 00:05:30,949 There is going to come a night 111 00:05:31,017 --> 00:05:33,952 when you are going to beg me to go home with you. 112 00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:36,621 Okay, but until then, let's have a few more years of this 113 00:05:36,689 --> 00:05:38,656 "will they, won't they?" sexual tension. 114 00:05:41,393 --> 00:05:43,327 - Hey. - Hey. 115 00:05:43,395 --> 00:05:45,363 I'm glad you changed your mind about going to the movies tonight. 116 00:05:45,430 --> 00:05:47,298 Do we have time for a drink or should we get going? 117 00:05:47,366 --> 00:05:50,001 No, let's grab a drink. It will give you time to get to know Judy. 118 00:05:51,537 --> 00:05:54,506 You're taking this lesbian thing a little far. 119 00:05:54,573 --> 00:05:56,675 - No, this is your movie date. - Movie date? 120 00:05:56,742 --> 00:05:58,777 Yeah. I'm not going. Come on over and meet her. 121 00:05:58,844 --> 00:06:00,979 Excuse me. 122 00:06:01,046 --> 00:06:03,014 You called me and asked me out to the movies tonight. 123 00:06:03,082 --> 00:06:06,685 No, I specifically said, "Do you want to go to a movie tonight?" 124 00:06:06,752 --> 00:06:08,587 I never said anything about me. 125 00:06:08,655 --> 00:06:12,357 The rest is just some elaborate fantasy world you've created. 126 00:06:12,425 --> 00:06:15,193 Okay, can we at least agree that nobody said anything about Judy? 127 00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:17,629 Come on. You're going to love her. 128 00:06:19,565 --> 00:06:21,633 Judy, this is Charlie. Charlie, Judy. 129 00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:24,403 Judy teaches film studies at UCLA. 130 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,572 She knows trivia about every movie ever made. 131 00:06:26,639 --> 00:06:28,574 She's the perfect movie companion. 132 00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,409 Nice to meet you, Judy. Can you excuse us? 133 00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:33,746 "Can You Excuse Us?" a little known film directed by Leo McCarey. 134 00:06:33,814 --> 00:06:36,549 Starring a very young Charles Laughton. 135 00:06:36,617 --> 00:06:39,786 That's where the song "Kick It Up, Teacup" comes from. 136 00:06:39,853 --> 00:06:41,921 Academy Award, best song, 1935. 137 00:06:43,824 --> 00:06:45,391 - She was free tonight? - We'll be right back. 138 00:06:48,795 --> 00:06:51,898 - What the hell are you doing? - You asked me to a movie after sex. 139 00:06:51,966 --> 00:06:54,900 It obviously represented your symbolic need to cuddle. 140 00:06:54,968 --> 00:06:57,837 You're getting emotionally attached to me and we don't want that. 141 00:06:57,904 --> 00:07:00,072 Ergo, Judy. 142 00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:02,374 Are you completely mental? 143 00:07:02,442 --> 00:07:04,510 No, Charlie. I'm re-establishing 144 00:07:04,577 --> 00:07:06,778 that we are not in a romantic relationship. 145 00:07:06,846 --> 00:07:09,281 We are friends. I'm your therapist. 146 00:07:09,348 --> 00:07:12,818 We have sex. I do not want things to get weird. 147 00:07:12,886 --> 00:07:15,320 I understand my relationship with you. 148 00:07:15,387 --> 00:07:17,455 I don't understand my relationship with Judy. 149 00:07:17,523 --> 00:07:19,991 So, what? This whole thing is to prove some crazy point? 150 00:07:20,059 --> 00:07:22,060 No. It is not a crazy point. 151 00:07:22,127 --> 00:07:24,796 If we start an emotional relationship and it goes south... 152 00:07:24,864 --> 00:07:26,965 and I have counseled enough couples to know 153 00:07:27,032 --> 00:07:30,468 that whenever you get two people together, it never works... 154 00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:34,205 we will end up ruining our friendship 155 00:07:34,273 --> 00:07:36,307 and losing everything we have. 156 00:07:36,375 --> 00:07:39,378 Well, if we split up, you're getting custody of Judy. 157 00:07:39,446 --> 00:07:43,181 If I see one more sign that you are getting emotionally involved, 158 00:07:43,249 --> 00:07:45,750 it is over. 159 00:07:53,592 --> 00:07:56,294 - Hey there. - Hey there. 160 00:07:56,362 --> 00:07:58,496 A bright little film. From 1947 161 00:07:58,564 --> 00:08:00,932 with Judy Canova and Joe E. Brown. 162 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,069 That was the film debut of "Pop Goes the Weasel." 163 00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:09,675 - So how do you know Kate? - We met at a seminar in Buffalo. 164 00:08:09,743 --> 00:08:11,411 I used to be a patient. 165 00:08:11,478 --> 00:08:14,848 Obsessive-compulsive, but I'm much better now. 166 00:08:14,916 --> 00:08:16,450 Oh, good. 167 00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:18,352 ♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪ 168 00:08:18,419 --> 00:08:20,955 ♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪ 169 00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:22,924 ♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪ 170 00:08:22,991 --> 00:08:25,260 ♪ And dance by the light of the moon? ♪. 171 00:08:33,915 --> 00:08:35,683 Shouldn't she be here by now? 172 00:08:35,751 --> 00:08:38,052 What time does the bus get here after school? 173 00:08:38,119 --> 00:08:39,853 Well, the straight bus gets here at 3:00. 174 00:08:39,921 --> 00:08:42,122 The lesbian one gets here at 4:30. 175 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,524 It takes a long time to load all those golf clubs. 176 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,928 - Hey. - We need to talk. 177 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:52,598 - Is Grandma dead? - No, she's still hanging on. With her money. 178 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,971 We just want to ask you about a picture we saw on Facebook. 179 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,474 Oh, my God. Why are you looking at my Facebook page? 180 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,043 Because until you're 18, we own you 181 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:07,213 and we can trade you with other parents. 182 00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:10,717 We have our eye on an honor student in your grade. 183 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,353 - Let's talk about this picture. - Which one? 184 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,788 The one of you kissing a girl. 185 00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,323 I was just trying to get Jake Slater 186 00:09:17,391 --> 00:09:20,359 to like me and he didn't even notice. 187 00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:22,061 Sam, you don't just do things 188 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,696 a boy wants you to do because he wants you to do them. 189 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:26,699 Yeah. That can lead to a lot of things you don't want to do. 190 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,334 Also known as my 20s. 191 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,405 If a boy doesn't like you because you're straight, 192 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:36,108 you just keep your chin up and be proud of who you are. 193 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:39,512 - It gets better, honey. - We'll see. 194 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,122 Three pages each. On what happened, 195 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:53,459 how it started, and how this will never happen again. 196 00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,796 I'd like that by Monday, 197 00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,297 when our 30-day no-anger calendar starts again. 198 00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:04,570 - Patrick started it. - All I asked was if maybe 199 00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:07,439 you had borrowed that sweater from a person without a home. 200 00:10:07,507 --> 00:10:10,242 I wasn't judging. 201 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:16,148 For what it's worth, I'd like to say this. 202 00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:18,283 I sincerely regret 203 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,653 bringing up the Palestinian situation. 204 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,460 Best party ever. 205 00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:33,867 Yo, yo. What the hell happened here? 206 00:10:33,935 --> 00:10:36,436 We were celebrating 30 days of no-anger incidents. 207 00:10:36,504 --> 00:10:39,205 - What happened to the cake? - Actually, if you pour plaster in it, 208 00:10:39,273 --> 00:10:41,774 you get a perfect mold of Nolan's face. 209 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:43,743 Do you want to help me clean up? 210 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,277 I could. 211 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,414 Or we could leave it like it is and go to a movie. 212 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,816 Then after we come back, you can clean it up by yourself. 213 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,587 A movie sounds great, but I can't. 214 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,789 Apparently, it would mean I have some symbolic need to cuddle with you. 215 00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,658 Hey, hey, hey, man. 216 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,393 If you don't want to go, don't go. 217 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,761 I just wanted to see Adam Sandier get hit in the nuts. 218 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:09,402 Am I crazy? I asked Kate to go to a movie 219 00:11:09,470 --> 00:11:11,471 and she said because it was right after sex that I had feelings for her. 220 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:14,741 Well, you do, don't you? I mean, this whole friends with benefits thing 221 00:11:14,809 --> 00:11:16,309 is really about two people in denial. 222 00:11:16,377 --> 00:11:18,178 Oh, absolutely not. 223 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,447 Kate and I know exactly what we're doing. 224 00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,749 We are experienced psychologists 225 00:11:22,817 --> 00:11:26,053 who can handle the complexities of a nonemotional sexual relationship. 226 00:11:27,655 --> 00:11:30,024 Yeah, there's some denial here. 227 00:11:30,091 --> 00:11:33,261 - So you do like her. - Well, maybe, but it doesn't matter. 228 00:11:33,329 --> 00:11:36,664 She compartmentalizes love and sex. 229 00:11:36,732 --> 00:11:39,233 She doesn't get attached to the men she sleeps with and she doesn't want a relationship. 230 00:11:39,301 --> 00:11:41,102 She's unlike any other woman you've ever met. 231 00:11:41,169 --> 00:11:44,739 But she has a bunch of jacked-up unspoken rules and you broke one, right? 232 00:11:44,806 --> 00:11:49,076 - Yeah. - She's exactly like every woman I've ever met. 233 00:11:49,144 --> 00:11:52,914 My only move is to avoid anything that can possibly be construed as romantic. 234 00:11:52,981 --> 00:11:55,750 She said if I crossed that line again, sex is over. 235 00:11:55,818 --> 00:11:59,154 It will never work. I mean, the rules are unspoken and the line is invisible. 236 00:11:59,221 --> 00:12:01,156 You know, I saw that on "Star Trek." 237 00:12:01,223 --> 00:12:03,324 ( mimics Shatner ) "Your only hope is time travel." 238 00:12:05,428 --> 00:12:07,729 You're right. You're right. I need to go back in time 239 00:12:07,797 --> 00:12:09,798 to just before you walked through that door and lock it. 240 00:12:11,901 --> 00:12:14,036 You laugh, but there's an episode 241 00:12:14,103 --> 00:12:16,305 in the "Battlestar Galactica" where the Cylons... 242 00:12:16,373 --> 00:12:19,175 - Not a lot of second dates, huh? - No, not a one. 243 00:12:21,278 --> 00:12:24,113 - Mom, I'm home. - I'll be right out. 244 00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:27,284 - Hi. - Hi. 245 00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:32,189 So what did you end up doing last night? 246 00:12:32,256 --> 00:12:33,857 Went to the movies with some psycho. 247 00:12:33,925 --> 00:12:36,360 "Psycho," 1960. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock, 248 00:12:36,427 --> 00:12:38,862 starring Tony Perkins and Janet Leigh. 249 00:12:38,930 --> 00:12:40,764 I don't want to know. 250 00:12:40,832 --> 00:12:44,836 Has Sam said anything more about the Facebook pictures? 251 00:12:44,904 --> 00:12:47,206 No, no. Let go of it. It's over. 252 00:12:47,273 --> 00:12:49,608 I'm not so sure. 253 00:12:49,676 --> 00:12:51,744 You know how Sam got your nose 254 00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,647 and your hair and your eyes? 255 00:12:54,715 --> 00:12:56,683 Yeah. 256 00:12:56,750 --> 00:12:59,452 I think she might have gotten the gay from me. 257 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,588 You're not gay. Somewhere on one of my old laptops, 258 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:04,023 I have proof you're not gay. 259 00:13:04,091 --> 00:13:07,660 Charlie, when I was younger, I had an experience. 260 00:13:07,728 --> 00:13:09,829 I was goofing around with this other girl 261 00:13:09,896 --> 00:13:13,199 and we'd had a couple of wine coolers and we kissed. 262 00:13:13,266 --> 00:13:15,368 That doesn't mean you're gay, Jen. 263 00:13:15,435 --> 00:13:18,437 It just means you discovered something that men have known for thousands of years. 264 00:13:18,505 --> 00:13:20,072 Booze makes chicks horny. 265 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,576 Well, there was this other time. 266 00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:26,512 - Do you remember Joe Chandler? - Yeah, he played third base. 267 00:13:26,580 --> 00:13:28,948 Well, one time you guys were out on the road. 268 00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:33,118 His wife Shawna and I got together and we hooked up. 269 00:13:33,186 --> 00:13:35,187 Shawna Chandler, with the... with the thing... 270 00:13:35,255 --> 00:13:37,556 They were nice. 271 00:13:37,624 --> 00:13:40,692 Now when you say you "hooked up"... 272 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,428 We did it. 273 00:13:43,496 --> 00:13:45,264 That's why I think I passed on 274 00:13:45,331 --> 00:13:46,898 my gay gene to Sam. 275 00:13:50,002 --> 00:13:52,437 Now you think you have a gay gene? 276 00:13:52,504 --> 00:13:55,240 With all the times I begged you to do it with another chick. 277 00:13:55,308 --> 00:13:57,542 Seriously. 278 00:13:57,610 --> 00:13:59,911 I might have really complicated Sam's life. 279 00:13:59,979 --> 00:14:03,682 Jen, you had a fling. The worst that happened is she inherited your fling. 280 00:14:05,217 --> 00:14:06,718 - That doesn't make sense. - Exactly. 281 00:14:08,421 --> 00:14:10,354 I know why you don't want me to be gay... 282 00:14:10,422 --> 00:14:11,989 because that would be embarrassing. 283 00:14:12,057 --> 00:14:13,924 It means that you couldn't satisfy me. 284 00:14:13,992 --> 00:14:16,026 That's completely ridiculous. 285 00:14:16,094 --> 00:14:18,095 Anytime I wanted to satisfy you, I did. 286 00:14:18,162 --> 00:14:20,764 And the rest of the time George Clooney brought me home. 287 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,869 Maybe I am overreacting. 288 00:14:25,936 --> 00:14:27,637 Maybe what threw me 289 00:14:27,705 --> 00:14:30,407 was how much I really enjoyed kissing her. 290 00:14:30,474 --> 00:14:34,077 - It was very intimate. - Hey, I think kissing is more intimate than sex. 291 00:14:34,144 --> 00:14:36,279 It fools you. 292 00:14:36,346 --> 00:14:40,082 That's why people shouldn't kiss unless they want to show an emotional connection. 293 00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:42,518 I guess that's why hookers don't kiss. 294 00:14:42,586 --> 00:14:45,955 You're bi-curious. You understand hookers. 295 00:14:46,023 --> 00:14:49,091 If I didn't know how this ends, I would ask you out. 296 00:14:51,428 --> 00:14:53,663 - Hi. - How was your day, Doctor? 297 00:14:53,731 --> 00:14:56,065 It's about to get much better, whatever you call a person 298 00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:58,000 with a master's degree. 299 00:14:58,068 --> 00:15:00,670 Master will do. 300 00:15:00,738 --> 00:15:02,972 You wish. 301 00:15:09,546 --> 00:15:11,047 What are you doing? 302 00:15:11,115 --> 00:15:12,982 Why won't you kiss me? 303 00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:15,251 Well, it all started with the movie thing. 304 00:15:15,319 --> 00:15:16,819 I started thinking about what you said 305 00:15:16,887 --> 00:15:19,255 about us not getting too emotionally involved. 306 00:15:19,323 --> 00:15:21,690 I think that kissing might be part of the problem. 307 00:15:21,758 --> 00:15:24,493 I don't care if you kiss me. 308 00:15:26,996 --> 00:15:29,498 Well, good. It gets a little confusing. 309 00:15:29,565 --> 00:15:31,900 A lot of people feel something when they kiss somebody 310 00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:34,001 and we can't have that. 311 00:15:34,069 --> 00:15:37,772 All right. Fine. No kissing it is. 312 00:15:37,839 --> 00:15:39,507 Let's get to it. 313 00:15:43,345 --> 00:15:46,614 - Stop. - What? 314 00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:49,416 It's weird. It feels like we jumped to the middle. 315 00:15:49,484 --> 00:15:52,953 That would be okay. It would be a great time-saver. 316 00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:04,932 Stop. No. Not working. 317 00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:07,167 I need a beginning. 318 00:16:07,235 --> 00:16:10,003 I need an amuse-bouche before the filet mignon. 319 00:16:10,071 --> 00:16:13,173 My bouche is not amused. 320 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,575 It's all right. Give it a minute. We'll get you there. 321 00:16:15,643 --> 00:16:16,976 Okay. 322 00:16:28,723 --> 00:16:32,526 - You okay? - I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. 323 00:16:32,594 --> 00:16:36,630 - This has never happened to me before. - It's okay. It's fine. 324 00:16:36,698 --> 00:16:38,232 Happens to a lot of women. 325 00:16:40,235 --> 00:16:42,302 We'll try again in a little bit. 326 00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:45,137 Maybe you could drink some water. 327 00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:49,075 You know, to wet your whistle. 328 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,876 Don't they make products for this kind of thing? 329 00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:54,813 I have a vagina for this sort of thing and it usually works. 330 00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,151 I think it's the kissing. I need it to get aroused. 331 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,187 Somewhere in my twisted psyche, 332 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:05,824 I have tangled up romance and sex. 333 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:10,496 Okay. If you need it, I'll do it. 334 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,365 Don't you need it? 335 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,903 Crap. You don't need it. 336 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,841 - Do you want to talk about it? - No. 337 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:25,344 Obviously, I am coming down with something and I think you should leave. 338 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,748 Okay, but it will just take a minute for things to... settle down. 339 00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:32,084 Okay. That look just took care of it. 340 00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:38,078 My problem is 341 00:17:38,146 --> 00:17:40,180 this woman I've been writing to for the last five years 342 00:17:40,248 --> 00:17:43,917 - wants a commitment. - Well, good for you, Ernesto. You've got a girlfriend. 343 00:17:43,985 --> 00:17:45,719 Charlie, I don't want a girlfriend. 344 00:17:45,787 --> 00:17:47,788 I don't want to be tied down, homie. 345 00:17:47,856 --> 00:17:49,757 You're in prison. 346 00:17:51,493 --> 00:17:53,261 You're going to be here for the next 20 years. 347 00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:56,698 What if I want to write to another woman? 348 00:17:56,765 --> 00:17:58,499 Her penmanship is hot, 349 00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:00,569 but sometimes 350 00:18:00,637 --> 00:18:03,205 a guy just wants to see a strange envelope. 351 00:18:06,176 --> 00:18:09,012 That's true. You show me a letter with beautiful handwriting, 352 00:18:09,079 --> 00:18:10,680 I'll show you a guy who's tired of reading it. 353 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:16,287 What is it with women? All they want is a commitment. QuĂ© no? 354 00:18:16,354 --> 00:18:18,389 But sometimes it's more complicated than that. 355 00:18:18,456 --> 00:18:20,924 There are women out there who don't want commitment. 356 00:18:20,992 --> 00:18:23,394 There are women out there who don't want any emotional involvement. 357 00:18:23,462 --> 00:18:26,230 There are women out there who are so afraid of commitment 358 00:18:26,298 --> 00:18:28,532 and emotional involvement, they say all they want is sex. 359 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,268 I'll bet she keeps it real nice down there, too, huh? 360 00:18:36,441 --> 00:18:40,011 I think it's a good time to mention that when I bring up examples of people, 361 00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:41,913 I'm not talking about a specific person 362 00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:43,647 you can track down when you get out. 363 00:18:45,117 --> 00:18:47,252 Charlie, I think there is a specific person, 364 00:18:47,319 --> 00:18:50,422 and it sounds like you need to say something to her. 365 00:18:50,490 --> 00:18:52,624 Sometimes you have to tell a person how you feel 366 00:18:52,692 --> 00:18:55,360 before they feel safe to say what they feel. 367 00:18:55,428 --> 00:18:58,330 Well, I think that's a good lesson for all of us to remember. 368 00:18:58,398 --> 00:19:01,934 You know another good lesson? Never cook meth in a Walmart. 369 00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:05,737 Sound advice, Wayne. 370 00:19:05,805 --> 00:19:08,440 Wouldn't want to put all those mom-and-pop meth labs out of business. 371 00:19:12,044 --> 00:19:14,613 Well, I am glad you decided to keep your appointment today. 372 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,449 This is therapy. 373 00:19:17,517 --> 00:19:19,284 You're my therapist. We keep things separate. 374 00:19:20,653 --> 00:19:22,587 So what would you like to talk about? 375 00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:24,756 I'm having problems with my best friend. 376 00:19:24,824 --> 00:19:27,926 - Charlie. - Not you. I got a lot more friends than you. 377 00:19:29,595 --> 00:19:31,931 - Go on. - I'm also sleeping with this best friend. 378 00:19:31,998 --> 00:19:34,000 - Charlie. - Not you. 379 00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:36,168 I sleep with a lot of my friends. 380 00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:38,271 I also got this therapist with this huge ego. 381 00:19:38,338 --> 00:19:41,007 - Charlie. - Not you. 382 00:19:41,075 --> 00:19:44,276 Okay. That was you. 383 00:19:44,344 --> 00:19:47,746 What I really came to talk about is... what I might be feeling. 384 00:19:47,814 --> 00:19:50,149 All humans have feelings. 385 00:19:50,217 --> 00:19:53,119 - You have feelings, too? - Well, I am a human, am I not? 386 00:19:54,421 --> 00:19:56,055 I'll reserve my answer on that. 387 00:19:56,123 --> 00:19:58,291 Although that is what a cyborg would say. 388 00:19:58,358 --> 00:20:00,593 All right, come on. Let's cut through all the clinical crap 389 00:20:00,661 --> 00:20:03,196 and talk about what we might be feeling. 390 00:20:03,264 --> 00:20:04,664 Sure. We could do that, 391 00:20:04,732 --> 00:20:07,701 and it may lead to the miracle of love 392 00:20:07,768 --> 00:20:11,205 and unicorns dipped in magic. 393 00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:13,240 Or to the end of our friendship and sex 394 00:20:13,307 --> 00:20:16,076 and everything we currently know and share. 395 00:20:17,646 --> 00:20:21,316 Or we could slightly modify our relationship 396 00:20:21,383 --> 00:20:24,686 and I could agree to go to the movies with you 397 00:20:24,754 --> 00:20:27,656 and you could agree to kiss me. 398 00:20:29,893 --> 00:20:32,762 How long do I have to decide? 399 00:20:32,829 --> 00:20:35,698 I mean, I already did, but I don't want to seem impulsive. 400 00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:38,035 Movies and kissing, final answer. 401 00:20:38,102 --> 00:20:41,839 - I think we can handle this, don't you? - Yes, I do. 402 00:20:41,906 --> 00:20:45,042 I think all of our years of psychological training has brought us to this moment. 403 00:20:47,445 --> 00:20:49,731 - May I kiss you now? - You may. 404 00:20:51,044 --> 00:21:01,041 Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com. 405 00:21:02,291 --> 00:21:04,974 Wow. I'm ready.