So Ed, I guess you decided to dance on the edge of the knife
- and go back to Starbucks. - I did what you said.
I ordered my coffee, gave them my name,
and stepped to the side like the rest of the morons.
You've come a long way.
That is a far cry from threatening to...
"shove a bean grinder up a barista's ass."
I know, I know. I'm late,
but it's not my fault.
I'm driving down the freeway and this jerk-off cuts right in front of me.
Luckily, I drifted into the other lane and didn't hit the guy.
Texting saved my life again.
Hopefully you weren't wearing your seat belt either
because if you had hit the guy, you wouldn't have been able to fly through the windshield
- out of harm's way. - Ha. Douche.
Anyway, I was argu-texting with my mom.
She's mad because another car insurance company dropped us
because of all my accidents.
- I hate that stupid little lizard. - You mean the gecko?
No, my mom.
But instead of calling her that,
I took a moment, found my center, and turned off my phone.
- Guys, this is huge. - This is bigger than huge.
Kim Karcrashian kept her Beemer on the road
and didn't yell at her mom. Call Anderson Cooper.
No, no, no, no.
Lacey's restraint means that all four of you
have gone 30 days without an anger outburst.
- It's a milestone. - Can we get a cake?
Maybe with a woman jumping out of it?
That's not appropriate, Nolan.
You're right. What if it was an angry woman?
Where would we find somebody like that?
Angry... cake-sized...
I'll tell you what. Next session,
if we've all kept it together, we'll have a little celebration.
- A cake, a little champagne. - Could we get a real big cake?
You know, just in case somebody has a few glasses of champagne
and a change of heart.
I'm not promising anything,
but me and champagne...
stranger things have happened.
You know that thing that you like so much?
That was just the thing that they threw in with the thing that I bought.
It was free.
Well, then I don't feel bad about breaking it.
Okay. I'm going now.
Get off my bra.
Hey, do you want to go to a movie?
- Why? - I don't know. I thought we'd hang out.
Why now?
'Cause it's still early?
No, I mean, why did you ask me that now?
Well, I was going to ask you during sex,
but you and that thing were making so much noise.
Yeah, no. Tonight's no good. Sorry.
- Everything okay? - No, everything's fine.
I just have to do my patient write-ups,
read a couple of psych articles, watch an episode of.
"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."
I love watching their faces when they hear their underwear crying
and realize they're a mama.
I feel like something weird just happened.
That is what they say right before they look in their crying underwear.
( Theme music playing )
Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com.
- Okay. Well, I will see you later. - Right.
Hey, Charlie. I have to show you something.
- Jen. - Oh. Hey, Kate.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, eh...
Kate came by to help me.
I was in the shower and my back went out again.
Kate is also a certified massage therapist
as well as a real therapist.
She loves the therapies.
- See you tomorrow? - Yup.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's actually great that you're here.
I have to show Charlie something, but I would love your opinion
as a gay woman.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Do you prefer lesbian? - I know I do.
I answer to either.
Check out Sam's Facebook page.
No, man. It is weird to see her kissing a boy.
It's even weirder to see it online. Now that's...
that's a long-haired rocker dude, right? That's not a...
now I see why you wanted the lesbian here.
Yes. Sam's kissing a girl.
She might be gay. How do you want to handle this?
You can't assume she's gay just because she's kissing a girl.
Well, how old were you when you realized you were gay?
I don't remember the exact moment.
I just knew heterosexual sex
was so disappointing.
There had to be something better.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up some drill bits
at Home Depot, walk my rescue dogs,
and meet another chick so we can move in together.
What should we do, Charlie?
We hear what Sam has to say.
In the meantime, we Photoshop out the girl,
put in Grandma... creepiest Christmas card ever.
You know, Charlie. We're a lot alike, you and I.
Not really. Your voice is a lot lower than mine.
Besides from that. You help people through their problems.
I help people through their problems.
Except I live in my mama's trailer and you live in...
- where do you live, Charlie? - If you're looking for an address,
it's not going to happen.
There is going to come a night
when you are going to beg me to go home with you.
Okay, but until then, let's have a few more years of this
"will they, won't they?" sexual tension.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm glad you changed your mind about going to the movies tonight.
Do we have time for a drink or should we get going?
No, let's grab a drink. It will give you time to get to know Judy.
You're taking this lesbian thing a little far.
- No, this is your movie date. - Movie date?
Yeah. I'm not going. Come on over and meet her.
Excuse me.
You called me and asked me out to the movies tonight.
No, I specifically said, "Do you want to go to a movie tonight?"
I never said anything about me.
The rest is just some elaborate fantasy world you've created.
Okay, can we at least agree that nobody said anything about Judy?
Come on. You're going to love her.
Judy, this is Charlie. Charlie, Judy.
Judy teaches film studies at UCLA.
She knows trivia about every movie ever made.
She's the perfect movie companion.
Nice to meet you, Judy. Can you excuse us?
"Can You Excuse Us?" a little known film directed by Leo McCarey.
Starring a very young Charles Laughton.
That's where the song "Kick It Up, Teacup" comes from.
Academy Award, best song, 1935.
- She was free tonight? - We'll be right back.
- What the hell are you doing? - You asked me to a movie after sex.
It obviously represented your symbolic need to cuddle.
You're getting emotionally attached to me and we don't want that.
Ergo, Judy.
Are you completely mental?
No, Charlie. I'm re-establishing
that we are not in a romantic relationship.
We are friends. I'm your therapist.
We have sex. I do not want things to get weird.
I understand my relationship with you.
I don't understand my relationship with Judy.
So, what? This whole thing is to prove some crazy point?
No. It is not a crazy point.
If we start an emotional relationship and it goes south...
and I have counseled enough couples to know
that whenever you get two people together, it never works...
we will end up ruining our friendship
and losing everything we have.
Well, if we split up, you're getting custody of Judy.
If I see one more sign that you are getting emotionally involved,
it is over.
- Hey there. - Hey there.
A bright little film. From 1947
with Judy Canova and Joe E. Brown.
That was the film debut of "Pop Goes the Weasel."
- So how do you know Kate? - We met at a seminar in Buffalo.
I used to be a patient.
Obsessive-compulsive, but I'm much better now.
Oh, good.
♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪
♪ Come out tonight, come out tonight? ♪
♪ Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight ♪
♪ And dance by the light of the moon? ♪.
Shouldn't she be here by now?
What time does the bus get here after school?
Well, the straight bus gets here at 3:00.
The lesbian one gets here at 4:30.
It takes a long time to load all those golf clubs.
- Hey. - We need to talk.
- Is Grandma dead? - No, she's still hanging on. With her money.
We just want to ask you about a picture we saw on Facebook.
Oh, my God. Why are you looking at my Facebook page?
Because until you're 18, we own you
and we can trade you with other parents.
We have our eye on an honor student in your grade.
- Let's talk about this picture. - Which one?
The one of you kissing a girl.
I was just trying to get Jake Slater
to like me and he didn't even notice.
Sam, you don't just do things
a boy wants you to do because he wants you to do them.
Yeah. That can lead to a lot of things you don't want to do.
Also known as my 20s.
If a boy doesn't like you because you're straight,
you just keep your chin up and be proud of who you are.
- It gets better, honey. - We'll see.
Three pages each. On what happened,
how it started, and how this will never happen again.
I'd like that by Monday,
when our 30-day no-anger calendar starts again.
- Patrick started it. - All I asked was if maybe
you had borrowed that sweater from a person without a home.
I wasn't judging.
For what it's worth, I'd like to say this.
I sincerely regret
bringing up the Palestinian situation.
Best party ever.
Yo, yo. What the hell happened here?
We were celebrating 30 days of no-anger incidents.
- What happened to the cake? - Actually, if you pour plaster in it,
you get a perfect mold of Nolan's face.
Do you want to help me clean up?
I could.
Or we could leave it like it is and go to a movie.
Then after we come back, you can clean it up by yourself.
A movie sounds great, but I can't.
Apparently, it would mean I have some symbolic need to cuddle with you.
Hey, hey, hey, man.
If you don't want to go, don't go.
I just wanted to see Adam Sandier get hit in the nuts.
Am I crazy? I asked Kate to go to a movie
and she said because it was right after sex that I had feelings for her.
Well, you do, don't you? I mean, this whole friends with benefits thing
is really about two people in denial.
Oh, absolutely not.
Kate and I know exactly what we're doing.
We are experienced psychologists
who can handle the complexities of a nonemotional sexual relationship.
Yeah, there's some denial here.
- So you do like her. - Well, maybe, but it doesn't matter.
She compartmentalizes love and sex.
She doesn't get attached to the men she sleeps with and she doesn't want a relationship.
She's unlike any other woman you've ever met.
But she has a bunch of jacked-up unspoken rules and you broke one, right?
- Yeah. - She's exactly like every woman I've ever met.
My only move is to avoid anything that can possibly be construed as romantic.
She said if I crossed that line again, sex is over.
It will never work. I mean, the rules are unspoken and the line is invisible.
You know, I saw that on "Star Trek."
( mimics Shatner ) "Your only hope is time travel."
You're right. You're right. I need to go back in time
to just before you walked through that door and lock it.
You laugh, but there's an episode
in the "Battlestar Galactica" where the Cylons...
- Not a lot of second dates, huh? - No, not a one.
- Mom, I'm home. - I'll be right out.
- Hi. - Hi.
So what did you end up doing last night?
Went to the movies with some psycho.
"Psycho," 1960. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock,
starring Tony Perkins and Janet Leigh.
I don't want to know.
Has Sam said anything more about the Facebook pictures?
No, no. Let go of it. It's over.
I'm not so sure.
You know how Sam got your nose
and your hair and your eyes?
Yeah.
I think she might have gotten the gay from me.
You're not gay. Somewhere on one of my old laptops,
I have proof you're not gay.
Charlie, when I was younger, I had an experience.
I was goofing around with this other girl
and we'd had a couple of wine coolers and we kissed.
That doesn't mean you're gay, Jen.
It just means you discovered something that men have known for thousands of years.
Booze makes chicks horny.
Well, there was this other time.
- Do you remember Joe Chandler? - Yeah, he played third base.
Well, one time you guys were out on the road.
His wife Shawna and I got together and we hooked up.
Shawna Chandler, with the... with the thing...
They were nice.
Now when you say you "hooked up"...
We did it.
That's why I think I passed on
my gay gene to Sam.
Now you think you have a gay gene?
With all the times I begged you to do it with another chick.
Seriously.
I might have really complicated Sam's life.
Jen, you had a fling. The worst that happened is she inherited your fling.
- That doesn't make sense. - Exactly.
I know why you don't want me to be gay...
because that would be embarrassing.
It means that you couldn't satisfy me.
That's completely ridiculous.
Anytime I wanted to satisfy you, I did.
And the rest of the time George Clooney brought me home.
Maybe I am overreacting.
Maybe what threw me
was how much I really enjoyed kissing her.
- It was very intimate. - Hey, I think kissing is more intimate than sex.
It fools you.
That's why people shouldn't kiss unless they want to show an emotional connection.
I guess that's why hookers don't kiss.
You're bi-curious. You understand hookers.
If I didn't know how this ends, I would ask you out.
- Hi. - How was your day, Doctor?
It's about to get much better, whatever you call a person
with a master's degree.
Master will do.
You wish.
What are you doing?
Why won't you kiss me?
Well, it all started with the movie thing.
I started thinking about what you said
about us not getting too emotionally involved.
I think that kissing might be part of the problem.
I don't care if you kiss me.
Well, good. It gets a little confusing.
A lot of people feel something when they kiss somebody
and we can't have that.
All right. Fine. No kissing it is.
Let's get to it.
- Stop. - What?
It's weird. It feels like we jumped to the middle.
That would be okay. It would be a great time-saver.
Stop. No. Not working.
I need a beginning.
I need an amuse-bouche before the filet mignon.
My bouche is not amused.
It's all right. Give it a minute. We'll get you there.
Okay.
- You okay? - I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong.
- This has never happened to me before. - It's okay. It's fine.
Happens to a lot of women.
We'll try again in a little bit.
Maybe you could drink some water.
You know, to wet your whistle.
Don't they make products for this kind of thing?
I have a vagina for this sort of thing and it usually works.
I think it's the kissing. I need it to get aroused.
Somewhere in my twisted psyche,
I have tangled up romance and sex.
Okay. If you need it, I'll do it.
Don't you need it?
Crap. You don't need it.
- Do you want to talk about it? - No.
Obviously, I am coming down with something and I think you should leave.
Okay, but it will just take a minute for things to... settle down.
Okay. That look just took care of it.
My problem is
this woman I've been writing to for the last five years
- wants a commitment. - Well, good for you, Ernesto. You've got a girlfriend.
Charlie, I don't want a girlfriend.
I don't want to be tied down, homie.
You're in prison.
You're going to be here for the next 20 years.
What if I want to write to another woman?
Her penmanship is hot,
but sometimes
a guy just wants to see a strange envelope.
That's true. You show me a letter with beautiful handwriting,
I'll show you a guy who's tired of reading it.
What is it with women? All they want is a commitment. QuĂ© no?
But sometimes it's more complicated than that.
There are women out there who don't want commitment.
There are women out there who don't want any emotional involvement.
There are women out there who are so afraid of commitment
and emotional involvement, they say all they want is sex.
I'll bet she keeps it real nice down there, too, huh?
I think it's a good time to mention that when I bring up examples of people,
I'm not talking about a specific person
you can track down when you get out.
Charlie, I think there is a specific person,
and it sounds like you need to say something to her.
Sometimes you have to tell a person how you feel
before they feel safe to say what they feel.
Well, I think that's a good lesson for all of us to remember.
You know another good lesson? Never cook meth in a Walmart.
Sound advice, Wayne.
Wouldn't want to put all those mom-and-pop meth labs out of business.
Well, I am glad you decided to keep your appointment today.
This is therapy.
You're my therapist. We keep things separate.
So what would you like to talk about?
I'm having problems with my best friend.
- Charlie. - Not you. I got a lot more friends than you.
- Go on. - I'm also sleeping with this best friend.
- Charlie. - Not you.
I sleep with a lot of my friends.
I also got this therapist with this huge ego.
- Charlie. - Not you.
Okay. That was you.
What I really came to talk about is... what I might be feeling.
All humans have feelings.
- You have feelings, too? - Well, I am a human, am I not?
I'll reserve my answer on that.
Although that is what a cyborg would say.
All right, come on. Let's cut through all the clinical crap
and talk about what we might be feeling.
Sure. We could do that,
and it may lead to the miracle of love
and unicorns dipped in magic.
Or to the end of our friendship and sex
and everything we currently know and share.
Or we could slightly modify our relationship
and I could agree to go to the movies with you
and you could agree to kiss me.
How long do I have to decide?
I mean, I already did, but I don't want to seem impulsive.
Movies and kissing, final answer.
- I think we can handle this, don't you? - Yes, I do.
I think all of our years of psychological training has brought us to this moment.
- May I kiss you now? - You may.
Sync and corrections by Tony for www.addic7ed.com.
Wow. I'm ready.