1
00:00:01,238 --> 00:00:03,425
Great session, everybody.
2
00:00:03,492 --> 00:00:05,831
And don't forget... do
your best, don't assume,
3
00:00:05,899 --> 00:00:08,235
don't take it personal, and be your word.
4
00:00:08,303 --> 00:00:10,464
I'll never remember all
that. I'm just gonna pick two.
5
00:00:10,523 --> 00:00:13,136
I'll take assume and that word thing.
6
00:00:13,203 --> 00:00:15,937
Oh, man. I was gonna do the word thing.
7
00:00:16,005 --> 00:00:17,939
Everybody can do the word thing.
8
00:00:18,007 --> 00:00:19,640
It wasn't meant to be an assignment.
9
00:00:19,708 --> 00:00:21,573
- It's more of a motto.
- Ed: It's too long.
10
00:00:21,641 --> 00:00:23,607
A motto's gotta fit on a bumper sticker
11
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:27,716
like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
12
00:00:27,784 --> 00:00:30,787
Ed, you should check your bumper
because the one on your car now says,
13
00:00:30,854 --> 00:00:33,024
"My other ride is a penis."
14
00:00:33,091 --> 00:00:36,895
How do these things happen? It's a mystery.
15
00:00:36,962 --> 00:00:39,282
Guys, guys. If bumper stickers
ever changed people's minds,
16
00:00:39,298 --> 00:00:41,235
we wouldn't even be here right now
17
00:00:41,302 --> 00:00:44,370
because we'd all rather be
fishing and braking for boobs.
18
00:00:44,438 --> 00:00:47,605
- See ya Monday.
- Sorry to barge in.
19
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,040
I'm just outside waiting, Dad.
20
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,945
Everybody, I'd like to
introduce my daughter Edie.
21
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,882
I hate that name. Y'all
just call me Little Ed.
22
00:00:56,949 --> 00:01:00,552
This is fantastic.
23
00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:06,093
My car broke down. I hope you don't
mind I had her pick me up here.
24
00:01:06,161 --> 00:01:08,896
I put in a new clutch, but
your throwout bearing's fine.
25
00:01:08,964 --> 00:01:11,265
I need to pick up a new pressure plate,
26
00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:13,974
but Jenny's at the gyno and won't
be opening up the shop till four.
27
00:01:15,738 --> 00:01:18,605
Who else feels like
they just learned a lot?
28
00:01:18,673 --> 00:01:20,540
About cars? We all did.
29
00:01:20,608 --> 00:01:23,009
Like I said, I'll see ya Monday.
30
00:01:23,076 --> 00:01:24,777
Great meeting, y'all.
31
00:01:24,845 --> 00:01:26,879
- You mind if I grab a muffin?
- Of course not.
32
00:01:26,947 --> 00:01:29,415
- There's also Danish.
- Nah.
33
00:01:29,482 --> 00:01:31,083
I just got a thing about muffins.
34
00:01:34,821 --> 00:01:38,090
So, Ed, your daughter
knows a lot about cars.
35
00:01:38,158 --> 00:01:41,694
Did she learn that from her... boyfriend?
36
00:01:41,762 --> 00:01:44,464
Nah, she's just a natural with machines.
37
00:01:44,532 --> 00:01:46,666
You know, I can't remember a time
38
00:01:46,734 --> 00:01:48,669
when she didn't have a hammer or a drill
39
00:01:48,737 --> 00:01:50,471
or something strapped on her.
40
00:01:55,143 --> 00:01:57,578
All right, I am bleeding
from biting my lip.
41
00:01:57,646 --> 00:01:59,380
This is huge.
42
00:01:59,447 --> 00:02:02,349
Can't we just get Ed back in here
and tell him that his daughter is gay?
43
00:02:02,417 --> 00:02:05,153
I don't think he knows
and I am willing to pay
44
00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:08,189
for the extra half hour
to tell him right now.
45
00:02:08,256 --> 00:02:10,658
Patrick, that is not how group works.
46
00:02:10,726 --> 00:02:13,661
Even if she is gay, no one
here can force the issue.
47
00:02:13,729 --> 00:02:15,897
Yeah, or Ed's daughter will kick your ass.
48
00:02:18,632 --> 00:02:20,960
- Hey, got a minute?
- Sure, what's up?
49
00:02:21,028 --> 00:02:22,953
This came for you.
50
00:02:23,021 --> 00:02:24,654
Sam, don't you have some homework to do?
51
00:02:24,722 --> 00:02:27,187
Not when I know you're trying to
get me out of the room, I don't.
52
00:02:27,254 --> 00:02:29,989
We don't hide things
from our daughter, Jen.
53
00:02:30,057 --> 00:02:32,945
Aw, crap. It's from Meredith.
Sam, get out. It's a secret.
54
00:02:33,013 --> 00:02:34,979
Who's Meredith?
55
00:02:35,047 --> 00:02:37,315
I think you're old enough now.
56
00:02:37,382 --> 00:02:39,849
My sister. Your Aunt Meredith.
57
00:02:39,917 --> 00:02:42,385
I have an aunt that I
don't even know about?
58
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:45,821
How about being grateful for all
the relatives we did tell you about?
59
00:02:45,889 --> 00:02:48,724
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Now go to your room right now.
60
00:02:48,791 --> 00:02:50,926
I can't believe this.
61
00:02:50,994 --> 00:02:52,995
Do I have a brother that
I don't know about, too?
62
00:02:53,062 --> 00:02:54,263
I hope not.
63
00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:00,602
How many times do I have to move to
get away from this screaming harpy?
64
00:03:00,669 --> 00:03:02,537
Well, just give the harpy your new address.
65
00:03:02,604 --> 00:03:04,564
I don't want any more
letters from the underworld.
66
00:03:06,141 --> 00:03:09,409
Oh, my God. She's having a baby shower.
67
00:03:09,477 --> 00:03:11,378
The evil one is about to spawn.
68
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,782
Well, she deserves every
stretch mark she gets.
69
00:03:15,849 --> 00:03:19,651
She's an awful person,
Charlie. I do not like her.
70
00:03:19,719 --> 00:03:22,287
I still get pissed when I think about
what she said to you at our baby shower.
71
00:03:22,355 --> 00:03:24,956
"Are you sure you're emotionally
stable enough to be a mom?"
72
00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:27,392
"You could still put
the option in adoption."
73
00:03:27,459 --> 00:03:29,160
Stupid bitch.
74
00:03:29,227 --> 00:03:31,428
I know.
75
00:03:31,496 --> 00:03:34,497
Like we weren't ready to have a baby.
76
00:03:34,565 --> 00:03:37,166
We planned that baby, right?
77
00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:40,035
Yeah, we planned it.
78
00:03:40,102 --> 00:03:41,903
(Theme music playing)
79
00:03:41,928 --> 00:03:44,628
Sync & corrections
by No1 www.addic7ed.Com
80
00:03:44,672 --> 00:03:46,106
I don't talk to my sister for 10 years.
81
00:03:46,174 --> 00:03:48,508
I get one letter from her,
it torpedoes my entire week.
82
00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:51,344
Have you ever opened up a
dialogue with Meredith about this?
83
00:03:51,412 --> 00:03:55,314
Depends. Is "Screw you"
"No, screw you" a dialogue?
84
00:03:55,382 --> 00:03:58,684
It doesn't sound like you've
had any real communication.
85
00:03:58,751 --> 00:04:00,718
I've tried. 10 years ago...
86
00:04:00,786 --> 00:04:02,653
the last time we talked...
87
00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:05,155
she brought up the babysitting
money she claims I stole from her.
88
00:04:05,223 --> 00:04:07,224
I brought up Christmas
where she showed up high.
89
00:04:07,291 --> 00:04:10,729
She brought up Easter
where I showed up high.
90
00:04:10,797 --> 00:04:12,753
How'd it end?
91
00:04:12,766 --> 00:04:14,766
That's how "Screw you"
"No, screw you" got started.
92
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,003
So you've just written this
person out of your life?
93
00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:20,205
There's no coming back?
There's no second chances?
94
00:04:20,272 --> 00:04:22,240
That's how the Goodsons
work. Eliminate the problem.
95
00:04:22,308 --> 00:04:23,741
Make 'em disappear.
96
00:04:23,808 --> 00:04:27,710
Dog chews the remote
control, next day, dog's gone.
97
00:04:27,778 --> 00:04:30,479
She calls your wife a moron, sister's gone.
98
00:04:30,546 --> 00:04:33,681
Charlie, at some point in your life,
99
00:04:33,749 --> 00:04:35,983
she'll be one of the last people
who remembers your childhood.
100
00:04:36,051 --> 00:04:38,091
She'll be the only one to
share these memories with.
101
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:40,454
So I guess you think I
should go to the baby shower
102
00:04:40,521 --> 00:04:42,122
and try to patch things up.
103
00:04:42,189 --> 00:04:44,691
It's up to you, but the next chance you get
104
00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:46,226
will be at one of your parents' funerals.
105
00:04:46,294 --> 00:04:48,061
You're right.
106
00:04:48,129 --> 00:04:50,530
I'll be too sad at my
mom's, and at my dad's,
107
00:04:50,598 --> 00:04:53,734
I'll be too busy playing Dance
Dance Revolution on his grave.
108
00:04:53,801 --> 00:04:56,136
Charlie, I'm really proud of you.
109
00:04:56,204 --> 00:04:57,838
I'm proud of you, too.
110
00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:59,306
- For what?
- Going with me.
111
00:05:01,008 --> 00:05:02,675
Oh, no.
112
00:05:02,743 --> 00:05:04,577
Hey, I'm taking a trip
to Anger Trigger City.
113
00:05:04,645 --> 00:05:08,148
- I'm gonna need backup.
- I hate baby showers.
114
00:05:08,216 --> 00:05:09,783
I hate babies.
115
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:12,786
They have no concept of my importance.
116
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,122
Well, maybe this will be an
enlightening experience for you, too.
117
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,613
Besides, the baby's still inside my sister.
118
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,059
Oh, God.
119
00:05:18,126 --> 00:05:20,228
Just the thought of a
human being walking around
120
00:05:20,296 --> 00:05:23,756
with a giant parasite inside
them, it gives me the creeps.
121
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,292
Oh, yeah? Wait till you
hear where it comes out.
122
00:05:31,043 --> 00:05:32,510
So far, so good.
123
00:05:32,577 --> 00:05:34,945
A little bit of anxiety on
the way to the baby shower,
124
00:05:35,013 --> 00:05:37,214
- but nothing worth mentioning.
- Charlie, what are you doing?
125
00:05:37,282 --> 00:05:39,316
Giving you a status report.
126
00:05:39,384 --> 00:05:41,118
You know, passing time.
127
00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:45,356
We're going to be in this car six hours.
128
00:05:45,423 --> 00:05:49,126
I don't need emotional
traffic updates on the 10s.
129
00:05:49,193 --> 00:05:50,860
This just in...
130
00:05:50,928 --> 00:05:54,264
a little bit of annoyance
in the driver's seat.
131
00:05:54,332 --> 00:05:56,166
You know what annoys me most?
132
00:05:56,234 --> 00:05:59,503
Everyone at the baby shower's
gonna treat us like we're a couple.
133
00:05:59,571 --> 00:06:01,305
What's wrong with that?
134
00:06:01,373 --> 00:06:02,974
I mean, even though we're not a couple,
135
00:06:03,041 --> 00:06:05,009
who says we can't do stuff
together and have fun?
136
00:06:05,077 --> 00:06:07,545
Couples don't have fun.
137
00:06:07,613 --> 00:06:10,982
They sit in a car and make
idle chitchat and pass the time.
138
00:06:11,049 --> 00:06:13,351
And then they die.
139
00:06:13,419 --> 00:06:16,087
Oh, come on. There's no reason
this can't be a good time.
140
00:06:16,155 --> 00:06:18,956
We're gonna have our meals
together, I got us a room.
141
00:06:19,024 --> 00:06:22,226
Room? We're sleeping together?
142
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,528
Do you want this to get weird?
143
00:06:24,596 --> 00:06:28,099
How can sleeping in a bed be weirder
than what we usually do in a bed?
144
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:31,168
What we do is sex. That's not weird.
145
00:06:31,236 --> 00:06:32,703
People do things in their sleep.
146
00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:34,372
I remember my mom telling me
147
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,975
how my dad used to fart
and cry in his sleep.
148
00:06:39,078 --> 00:06:41,513
Well, I promise not to cry.
149
00:06:41,580 --> 00:06:45,217
See, we're already starting down
that bad road toward being a couple.
150
00:06:45,284 --> 00:06:46,918
We're talking about farting.
151
00:06:46,986 --> 00:06:49,554
You know, as the farting increases,
152
00:06:49,622 --> 00:06:51,156
the sex decreases.
153
00:06:51,224 --> 00:06:53,325
Till you're just two lonely people
154
00:06:53,393 --> 00:06:55,133
lying at opposite ends of the bed
155
00:06:55,201 --> 00:06:58,170
farting at each other.
156
00:06:58,237 --> 00:07:00,205
Now I know why he was crying.
157
00:07:03,175 --> 00:07:05,076
I'm just... I'm really glad you showed up.
158
00:07:05,143 --> 00:07:06,644
Well, whatever the problem is,
159
00:07:06,712 --> 00:07:09,046
I don't want to hear any gay details.
160
00:07:09,113 --> 00:07:11,348
No hand-holding, no boy kissing,
161
00:07:11,415 --> 00:07:13,416
"Why won't the government
let me get married?"
162
00:07:13,484 --> 00:07:15,952
I'll tell you why, because they don't want
163
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,520
you to have the tax deduction.
164
00:07:17,588 --> 00:07:22,591
You people are industrious.
You're worth more to us single.
165
00:07:22,658 --> 00:07:25,026
Thanks, I guess.
166
00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:28,196
Okay, this... all right,
this is a tricky conversation.
167
00:07:28,263 --> 00:07:29,564
I'm gonna stop you right there.
168
00:07:29,631 --> 00:07:31,932
Don't tiptoe or sashay or prance
169
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,068
or whatever you people
do around the subject.
170
00:07:34,136 --> 00:07:36,370
Just rip the Band-Aid
off and get right to it.
171
00:07:36,438 --> 00:07:39,006
- Your daughter's gay.
- (Laughs)
172
00:07:40,976 --> 00:07:42,276
Oh, my God. You knew?
173
00:07:42,344 --> 00:07:45,312
Son, she's not gay.
174
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:48,115
I'm laughing because
175
00:07:48,182 --> 00:07:49,984
I wish I had a nickel for all the people
176
00:07:50,051 --> 00:07:51,619
who came up to me and told me that.
177
00:07:51,686 --> 00:07:54,388
Her kindergarten teacher,
178
00:07:54,456 --> 00:07:57,959
her golf instructor, the Navy recruiter.
179
00:07:59,829 --> 00:08:01,696
Just because a girl's a little different
180
00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:03,598
and not some frail little thing
181
00:08:03,665 --> 00:08:05,900
and she's got her own
ideas about how to dress,
182
00:08:05,968 --> 00:08:08,002
people automatically assume
183
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,371
that she plays for the other team.
184
00:08:10,439 --> 00:08:13,641
Ed, she's the coach of the other team.
185
00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:15,710
Hi, guys. Need anything?
186
00:08:15,777 --> 00:08:18,012
I'll have a Miller on tap
187
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,481
and Oprah over here will have a,
188
00:08:20,549 --> 00:08:22,450
what, a Diet Coke?
189
00:08:22,517 --> 00:08:25,219
I will have a Miller, too.
190
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:27,054
- Lite, please.
- Okay.
191
00:08:27,122 --> 00:08:30,024
I bet people have told
you you're a lesbian.
192
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,228
Maybe when I was back in college,
193
00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:35,964
and they'd be right, but not recently, no.
194
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:39,434
Unless this is some kind
of bass-ackwards way to see
195
00:08:39,502 --> 00:08:42,970
if I'm into crazy older
dudes, and I'm not there yet.
196
00:08:43,038 --> 00:08:46,040
I'm just making a point here
197
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,142
that people naturally assume
198
00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:51,479
that if a woman's strong
and independent, she's gay.
199
00:08:51,546 --> 00:08:53,647
Wow. I didn't see that coming.
200
00:08:53,715 --> 00:08:55,616
Okay, I'll bang you.
201
00:08:58,054 --> 00:09:01,457
Well, she's got a nice swing
on her back porch. Whoo.
202
00:09:01,524 --> 00:09:03,525
Your daughter would say that, too.
203
00:09:03,593 --> 00:09:05,494
She's a lesbian, Ed.
204
00:09:05,561 --> 00:09:07,463
You met her for two minutes.
205
00:09:07,531 --> 00:09:10,066
I'm her dad. What makes you think
you know her better than I do?
206
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,367
Okay, that's fair. Does she date?
207
00:09:12,435 --> 00:09:15,404
Well, she's a busy girl. She
doesn't have time for boys right now.
208
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,972
She's got her job in
the daytime grooming dogs
209
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,809
and at night she takes care of
maintenance at the Pitch and Putt.
210
00:09:20,876 --> 00:09:24,446
Short of being a fluffer
for the Indigo Girls,
211
00:09:24,514 --> 00:09:27,482
I... I don't know how
she could be any more gay.
212
00:09:27,550 --> 00:09:29,551
Now, I'm not saying this to hurt you,
213
00:09:29,619 --> 00:09:32,487
it's just a vibe that gay
people are sensitive to.
214
00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:34,823
And you think I should go home
215
00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:37,893
and confront my daughter based
on some vibe that you have?
216
00:09:37,961 --> 00:09:40,896
Okay, there is a one in a million chance
217
00:09:40,963 --> 00:09:42,630
that I'm wrong, but if I'm right,
218
00:09:42,698 --> 00:09:44,165
your daughter could be terrified
219
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,001
of what you might think
about her if she told you.
220
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:48,670
Is that what you wanted
for your little girl
221
00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:50,672
when she was five years
old out in the backyard
222
00:09:50,740 --> 00:09:53,909
- playing with her trucks?
- Damn it.
223
00:09:53,977 --> 00:09:55,844
Now you got me thinking.
224
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:58,447
Here's your beers, guys.
225
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,516
Hey, just curious.
226
00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:02,284
You're not wealthy or anything, are you?
227
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,220
Uh, nope. I'm on a fixed income,
228
00:10:05,288 --> 00:10:08,924
but I do have full medical.
229
00:10:08,992 --> 00:10:12,261
Oh, yeah. I just remembered,
I am still a lesbian.
230
00:10:18,301 --> 00:10:21,270
- I don't think I can do this.
- Don't set yourself up for failure.
231
00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:23,538
She is probably looking
forward to seeing you
232
00:10:23,606 --> 00:10:26,008
because she's happy about
her stupid little baby.
233
00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:28,143
I'm just not real thrilled
234
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,546
about Meredith thinking we're a couple.
235
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:33,882
Kate, don't worry. She'll be too
busy ragging on me to even notice you.
236
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:35,785
(Doorbell rings)
237
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,657
- Hello, Meredith.
- Oh.
238
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,759
So you showed up.
239
00:10:43,827 --> 00:10:46,529
Bill, he's here. I owe you 50 bucks.
240
00:10:47,931 --> 00:10:50,699
And, Jennifer, what happened to you?
241
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:54,470
You used to be so cute.
242
00:10:54,537 --> 00:10:55,804
What'd you do to your hair?
243
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,509
Yeah, Jennifer.
244
00:11:03,708 --> 00:11:05,809
Thank you so much.
245
00:11:05,877 --> 00:11:06,882
You really didn't have to make us a plate.
246
00:11:06,895 --> 00:11:07,911
No, you need to eat.
247
00:11:07,979 --> 00:11:10,280
You're like a stick with an emo wig.
248
00:11:12,717 --> 00:11:14,718
And I still feel bad about
thinking you were Jen.
249
00:11:14,786 --> 00:11:16,520
Oh, the stick thing makes up for that.
250
00:11:18,957 --> 00:11:20,957
So why'd you hide from me for 10 years?
251
00:11:21,025 --> 00:11:22,559
10 years?
252
00:11:22,627 --> 00:11:24,961
Boy, time goes by so fast
253
00:11:25,029 --> 00:11:26,896
when I'm not talking to you.
254
00:11:26,964 --> 00:11:29,632
Same old Charlie.
255
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,601
I'm sorry, Meredith.
256
00:11:31,668 --> 00:11:34,170
You've displayed a lot of
emotional growth by having me here.
257
00:11:34,238 --> 00:11:37,173
And I know that our dynamic
hasn't always been the best,
258
00:11:37,241 --> 00:11:39,709
but perhaps this is a chance
for us to get a fresh start
259
00:11:39,776 --> 00:11:41,610
at a good, healthy sibling relationship.
260
00:11:41,678 --> 00:11:44,047
Ooh, somebody went to the Learning Annex.
261
00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:49,452
I'm just saying I think Mom and Dad
set us up to compete against each other.
262
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,654
- We're both victims here.
- You know what,
263
00:11:51,722 --> 00:11:54,042
I'm glad you said that because
I don't wanna fight anymore.
264
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:57,226
You know, I'm trying to get rid of
all my anger before the baby's born.
265
00:11:57,294 --> 00:11:59,762
You know, managing anger is my specialty.
266
00:11:59,829 --> 00:12:01,931
- I'm a therapist now.
- Don't make me laugh.
267
00:12:01,998 --> 00:12:04,666
I wouldn't let you analyze my urine.
268
00:12:06,136 --> 00:12:08,837
Okay, that B.S. might
work in LA, but to me,
269
00:12:08,904 --> 00:12:10,984
you're just the thief who
stole my babysitting money.
270
00:12:12,709 --> 00:12:15,310
Wow, you remember everything
from our childhood.
271
00:12:15,378 --> 00:12:17,980
Hey, who knows? Maybe in the future,
272
00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:21,127
we'll be able to download all those
memories and we won't even need your head.
273
00:12:22,385 --> 00:12:24,186
Charlie, Charlie, come quick.
274
00:12:24,254 --> 00:12:26,489
They're about to play "The Newlywed
Game" with the other couples.
275
00:12:26,556 --> 00:12:28,390
I hope we win, yay!
276
00:12:31,561 --> 00:12:33,295
- (Knocks on door)
- Coming.
277
00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,035
I... I need your help.
278
00:12:40,103 --> 00:12:41,870
Oh, my God. You had the talk. Is she okay?
279
00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:43,905
- How did it go?
- I can't do it.
280
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,974
I've been with her all day and I've
tried to ask her it about five times.
281
00:12:47,042 --> 00:12:50,077
- Where is she now?
- She's parking the car.
282
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,446
Look, I need you to talk to her.
283
00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:55,048
If she is a lesbian,
284
00:12:55,116 --> 00:12:57,618
then you speak the same language.
285
00:12:57,685 --> 00:12:59,419
It's all English, Ed.
286
00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:03,924
Except that a queen is not
a member of the royal family
287
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:08,061
and tops and bottoms have
nothing to do with pajamas.
288
00:13:08,129 --> 00:13:09,763
- (Knocks on door)
- Edie: Dad?
289
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,498
Wait, why does she think she's here?
290
00:13:11,566 --> 00:13:14,034
I told her you were gay
and your toilet's broken.
291
00:13:14,102 --> 00:13:16,437
What, because I'm gay, I
can't fix my own toilet?
292
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,273
- Well, can you?
- No.
293
00:13:18,341 --> 00:13:20,943
It's not because I'm gay, it's
because I'm spoiled. Open the door.
294
00:13:23,313 --> 00:13:27,083
Hi, honey. I jiggled the handle.
It's... everything's fine now.
295
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,386
Great. Good to see you again.
296
00:13:29,453 --> 00:13:32,422
Come on, Dad. If we hurry, we can still
get down to the Work Boot Warehouse
297
00:13:32,490 --> 00:13:35,325
- before it closes.
- Would you mind just
298
00:13:35,393 --> 00:13:38,294
sitting down for a second?
299
00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:39,963
Your dad wants me to talk to you.
300
00:13:40,030 --> 00:13:42,432
- Everything okay?
- Yeah.
301
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:45,735
Everything's fine and it gets better.
302
00:13:48,505 --> 00:13:50,806
Now, this is kind of awkward
303
00:13:50,874 --> 00:13:53,041
'cause I hardly know ya
304
00:13:53,109 --> 00:13:54,843
and I don't like your father.
305
00:13:56,412 --> 00:13:58,881
But don't you think it's probably time
306
00:13:58,948 --> 00:14:01,183
that you tell your dad
that you're a lesbian?
307
00:14:01,251 --> 00:14:04,253
Why would I do that? I'm not gay.
308
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,021
There, what'd I tell ya?
309
00:14:06,089 --> 00:14:09,024
Come on, Little Ed. Let's go
get you a pair of work boots.
310
00:14:09,092 --> 00:14:11,993
Wait a minute. Come on,
you've got the uniform
311
00:14:12,061 --> 00:14:14,829
and the haircut. The chain wallet.
312
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,497
It is okay.
313
00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,232
This is something that
your dad needs to deal with.
314
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,534
Now just say it with me.
315
00:14:20,602 --> 00:14:23,303
Dad, you made a gay kid.
316
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,074
I don't like girls. I like boys.
317
00:14:27,141 --> 00:14:28,575
You tell him, honey.
318
00:14:28,643 --> 00:14:30,377
And I like my clothes.
319
00:14:30,445 --> 00:14:32,279
And I like my haircut.
320
00:14:32,347 --> 00:14:34,982
I don't look like a lesbian,
lesbians look like me.
321
00:14:35,050 --> 00:14:37,652
(laughs) That's my girl!
322
00:14:37,719 --> 00:14:39,954
I've probably been with
more men than you have.
323
00:14:40,022 --> 00:14:42,958
- (Scoffs)
- I've been with more men than anybody.
324
00:14:43,026 --> 00:14:46,996
- (laughs)
- No, seriously, Dad, like 100.
325
00:14:47,064 --> 00:14:50,100
- Wha... what?
- I'm a grown woman.
326
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,836
I don't tell you everything I
do and I wanna keep it that way,
327
00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:55,939
but I guess you needed to hear it.
328
00:14:56,007 --> 00:14:58,976
I like men...
329
00:14:59,043 --> 00:15:00,911
a lot.
330
00:15:07,352 --> 00:15:10,320
- You.
- I am so sorry, Ed.
331
00:15:10,388 --> 00:15:12,756
I was just so excited to rub your nose
332
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,358
in the fact that your daughter was gay
333
00:15:14,426 --> 00:15:17,628
that I totally missed that she was a freak.
334
00:15:17,696 --> 00:15:20,298
I hope this doesn't trigger
any of your anger issues.
335
00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:22,967
No, like I said before,
336
00:15:23,035 --> 00:15:24,869
she just hadn't found the right guy.
337
00:15:24,937 --> 00:15:26,404
Well, it's not for lack of trying.
338
00:15:29,175 --> 00:15:31,776
Okay, girls. Come take your seats.
339
00:15:31,844 --> 00:15:33,945
I hate these women.
340
00:15:34,013 --> 00:15:36,114
- What happened?
- Let me get you caught up.
341
00:15:36,182 --> 00:15:37,916
We're all very excited about the shoe sale
342
00:15:37,984 --> 00:15:39,685
at T.J. Maxx this weekend
343
00:15:39,753 --> 00:15:42,474
and all the girls wanna know how
much money you give me for shopping.
344
00:15:42,522 --> 00:15:45,557
Oh, and did you know Jenny's
husband pays her for oral sex?
345
00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:48,160
Oh, and her name is...
346
00:15:48,228 --> 00:15:49,228
(high-pitched) Jenny.
347
00:15:52,065 --> 00:15:55,234
Okay. I asked the men...
according to your wife,
348
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:59,104
what's the most romantic
day of the year for you?
349
00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:01,240
Let's start with Kayla and Bob.
350
00:16:01,307 --> 00:16:04,844
- Our anniversary.
- Oh, Bob said his birthday.
351
00:16:04,911 --> 00:16:06,846
- Kim?
- Valentine's Day.
352
00:16:06,914 --> 00:16:10,182
Joe said his birthday. Jenny?
353
00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:12,885
- Christmas.
- Oh, Jenny.
354
00:16:14,787 --> 00:16:18,523
- Lou said his birthday.
- (Giggles)
355
00:16:18,591 --> 00:16:22,259
Oh, my God. These guys only
get laid on their birthday?
356
00:16:22,327 --> 00:16:25,295
Jenny must be making a fortune.
357
00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:27,364
- Kate?
- Um...
358
00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:29,399
December 21st.
359
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,001
I don't know, it's the
longest night of the year.
360
00:16:31,068 --> 00:16:33,703
More time to bang.
361
00:16:33,771 --> 00:16:38,476
Wow, Charlie said December 21st, too.
362
00:16:38,543 --> 00:16:41,145
- Oh, you said that?
- Is that your birthday, Charlie?
363
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,852
No, I'm pretty sure my birthday
comes four or five times a week.
364
00:16:48,322 --> 00:16:50,723
T.M.I.
365
00:16:50,791 --> 00:16:53,459
Okay, the second question I asked is
366
00:16:53,527 --> 00:16:57,664
what will your partner say is
the perfect number of children?
367
00:16:57,732 --> 00:16:59,500
- Kayla?
- Five.
368
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:01,602
Mm. Bob said four.
369
00:17:01,669 --> 00:17:04,337
But we already have five.
370
00:17:04,405 --> 00:17:06,506
Joe and I talk a lot about this.
371
00:17:06,574 --> 00:17:09,708
- I'm sure he said two.
- Joe said more than two.
372
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:15,213
As many as the Lord will bless us with.
373
00:17:15,281 --> 00:17:18,950
- Lou said one.
- Oh, you went with a number?
374
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:25,123
- Kate?
- I'm sure all your kids are great
375
00:17:25,191 --> 00:17:28,259
and at least four of yours,
376
00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:30,929
but I have to be honest,
377
00:17:30,996 --> 00:17:35,132
I don't like kids, so I'm
gonna have to say zero.
378
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,168
Wow, Charlie said you'd say,
379
00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:38,969
"I don't like kids, so I'll say zero."
380
00:17:40,505 --> 00:17:42,839
Why are we winning this thing?
381
00:17:42,907 --> 00:17:45,208
Because we're not a couple.
382
00:17:45,276 --> 00:17:47,477
We talk and actually listen to each other.
383
00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:50,380
Oh, and I don't charge a $100 entry fee.
384
00:17:52,283 --> 00:17:54,151
What do you mean you don't like kids?
385
00:17:54,218 --> 00:17:57,287
I mean, I think they're great
386
00:17:57,355 --> 00:17:58,855
if you have the time for them.
387
00:17:58,923 --> 00:18:01,525
Oh, so you're one of those.
388
00:18:01,592 --> 00:18:04,128
- One of those?
- Last time I looked, we were up two-zip.
389
00:18:04,195 --> 00:18:06,130
Let's play the game.
390
00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:08,866
You know, one of those
women who won't have kids
391
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:11,736
because she's too selfish and she
wants to be the center of the universe.
392
00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:15,407
Selfish? I've dedicated my life
to helping people every day.
393
00:18:15,475 --> 00:18:17,176
I just don't think it's mandatory
394
00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:18,711
that I have a tiny version of myself
395
00:18:18,779 --> 00:18:21,180
to push into living out my failed dreams.
396
00:18:21,248 --> 00:18:23,483
Kate does help people.
397
00:18:23,551 --> 00:18:25,719
Not by saying things like that...
398
00:18:25,787 --> 00:18:28,522
but she is a great therapist.
399
00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:31,291
Well, a woman's body
was made to have babies.
400
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,528
Now hold on. A woman can do
whatever she wants with her body.
401
00:18:34,595 --> 00:18:37,230
Kate might not be making
babies, but trust me,
402
00:18:37,298 --> 00:18:40,867
she does use her vagina for good.
403
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:44,170
You know what, maybe it's best
that you don't wanna be a mom.
404
00:18:44,237 --> 00:18:45,971
Excuse me?
405
00:18:46,039 --> 00:18:48,440
I mean, I'd hate to be your kid.
406
00:18:48,508 --> 00:18:50,675
There's an anorexic little
drug problem waiting to happen.
407
00:18:50,743 --> 00:18:53,845
Meredith, you're so judgmental.
408
00:18:53,913 --> 00:18:55,846
Every time I bring somebody
around, you have to start something.
409
00:18:55,914 --> 00:18:58,949
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- No anger around the baby.
410
00:18:59,017 --> 00:19:00,977
Well, then you better get
it out of your body fast
411
00:19:01,019 --> 00:19:04,154
because right now it's swimming
around in a pool of "angryotic" fluid.
412
00:19:04,221 --> 00:19:06,455
What the hell does that mean?
413
00:19:06,523 --> 00:19:09,892
I don't know. You've been making me say
things I don't understand for 35 years.
414
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,427
Charlie, take a breath.
415
00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,930
You can either choose
to continue or walk away.
416
00:19:14,998 --> 00:19:17,499
You see that? She'd be a great mom.
417
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:19,101
That's the kind of thing she'd say.
418
00:19:19,168 --> 00:19:21,570
Oh, and she'd keep her
kid from saying this...
419
00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:23,972
I'll see you in another 10 years, bitch.
420
00:19:26,576 --> 00:19:29,044
Well, thank you for
the delightful pastries.
421
00:19:29,111 --> 00:19:31,480
We had a lovely time.
422
00:19:31,548 --> 00:19:33,515
May I take one of these home? All right.
423
00:19:38,349 --> 00:19:41,118
So are you ready to talk
about what happened back there?
424
00:19:41,185 --> 00:19:43,587
I know, I know. I played
right into her hands.
425
00:19:43,654 --> 00:19:46,456
I feel lousy that when I'm old,
426
00:19:46,524 --> 00:19:48,759
I'm just gonna be alone
sitting in a rest home
427
00:19:48,827 --> 00:19:50,461
desperately trying to recall
428
00:19:50,528 --> 00:19:52,596
some happy memory from my childhood.
429
00:19:52,664 --> 00:19:55,733
Yeah. Well, that's not
what I wanna talk about.
430
00:19:55,801 --> 00:19:59,370
Why in the world would you
feel the need to defend me?
431
00:19:59,438 --> 00:20:02,808
You're mad that I defended you?
432
00:20:02,875 --> 00:20:06,044
I said good things about your vagina.
433
00:20:06,112 --> 00:20:08,914
You acted like we were a couple.
434
00:20:08,982 --> 00:20:11,517
That's why I didn't wanna
stay in the same hotel room,
435
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,386
that's why I didn't wanna
play "The Newlywed Game,"
436
00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:16,356
and that's why I didn't wanna
go to this damn baby shower!
437
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,925
Yes, dear.
438
00:20:18,993 --> 00:20:20,527
Don't do that.
439
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:23,531
Yes, dear.
440
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,366
I am not messing around.
441
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:29,037
We are not now, nor will
we ever be... a couple.
442
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:33,175
(Both sigh)
443
00:20:33,242 --> 00:20:36,978
So you're not gonna pass that truck? You're
just stay behind it for the next 75 miles?
444
00:20:39,048 --> 00:20:42,317
You really didn't like me defending you?
445
00:20:42,385 --> 00:20:44,619
No, I did.
446
00:20:44,687 --> 00:20:46,855
That's why I didn't like it.
447
00:20:46,923 --> 00:20:49,524
And how did you feel when we
were winning "The Newlywed Game"?
448
00:20:49,592 --> 00:20:52,727
Good. That's why I hated it.
449
00:20:52,795 --> 00:20:54,896
You know one thing couples never do?
450
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:57,698
Die happy.
451
00:20:57,766 --> 00:21:00,334
Have sex in a car on the side of a road.
452
00:21:00,402 --> 00:21:03,104
Yeah, that would certainly make
453
00:21:03,171 --> 00:21:06,407
two people not a couple.
454
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,942
What would you say if I
pulled over right here?
455
00:21:09,010 --> 00:21:11,979
I'd say happy birthday, Charlie.
456
00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:15,582
Give me 100 bucks.
457
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:19,607
Sync & corrections
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