1
00:00:00,353 --> 00:00:04,039
Okay, we've exchanged make-up
gifts for lashing out at each other,
2
00:00:04,107 --> 00:00:06,074
but the most important thing
is to also verbally apologize.
3
00:00:06,142 --> 00:00:07,877
Especially when we...
4
00:00:07,944 --> 00:00:10,947
tried to blind somebody with perfume.
5
00:00:11,015 --> 00:00:13,616
Sorry, Nolan.
6
00:00:13,684 --> 00:00:15,218
It's okay.
7
00:00:15,285 --> 00:00:18,020
My eyeballs never smelled better.
8
00:00:18,088 --> 00:00:21,357
Changed someone's ringtone
to "Smack My Bitch Up."
9
00:00:23,294 --> 00:00:24,961
I'm sorry, Ed.
10
00:00:25,029 --> 00:00:28,098
Tried to put someone on the No-Fly List.
11
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,300
Sorry about that, Lacey.
12
00:00:31,735 --> 00:00:34,170
If that is your real name.
13
00:00:34,238 --> 00:00:37,372
FYI, I'm already on the No-Fly List.
14
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,741
Do not try to steal drinks
from flight attendants
15
00:00:39,809 --> 00:00:43,912
'cause those hos are
located here, here, and here.
16
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:46,113
And referred to someone as...
17
00:00:46,181 --> 00:00:49,583
"A giant piece of crap walking
around in a bag of human skin."
18
00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:52,319
Sorry, me.
19
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:55,155
It's okay, me.
20
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,259
Oh, hey, everybody.
21
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,529
Sorry, Charlie. I didn't
realize you were in group.
22
00:01:01,596 --> 00:01:03,197
- I don't wanna interrupt.
- It's okay, Dad.
23
00:01:03,265 --> 00:01:05,333
Are you gonna pick up
some grapefruit later?
24
00:01:05,401 --> 00:01:07,074
I was really in the mood
for grapefruit this morning.
25
00:01:07,087 --> 00:01:08,771
Yeah, sorry, Dad.
26
00:01:08,838 --> 00:01:10,244
I was busy, but I'll
make sure I get everything
27
00:01:10,257 --> 00:01:11,674
on your list when I go to the store later.
28
00:01:11,742 --> 00:01:14,010
- And don't forget the pudding.
- How could I?
29
00:01:14,078 --> 00:01:16,246
It was on your list twice
underlined with stars and arrows.
30
00:01:16,313 --> 00:01:19,616
- I like pudding.
- Is that what that meant?
31
00:01:19,684 --> 00:01:22,285
See you later, Dad. - And make
sure you get the eight-pack.
32
00:01:22,353 --> 00:01:25,789
- The four-pack's a joke.
- Oh, my God.
33
00:01:25,857 --> 00:01:28,992
- I'm sorry. I didn't wanna interrupt.
- No problem, but you did.
34
00:01:29,060 --> 00:01:30,794
- Didn't mean to.
- But continue to.
35
00:01:33,130 --> 00:01:35,665
So is your father living here now?
36
00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:38,190
No, it just seems that
way because he showed
37
00:01:38,203 --> 00:01:40,670
up last week and now he won't go home.
38
00:01:40,737 --> 00:01:42,209
Tells me he had a
problem with his plumbing.
39
00:01:42,222 --> 00:01:43,705
Maybe it's his building.
40
00:01:43,773 --> 00:01:45,607
Or maybe it's him
41
00:01:45,675 --> 00:01:48,410
with all that grapefruit and pudding.
42
00:01:48,478 --> 00:01:50,713
All right, let's get back to the session.
43
00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:52,214
I have a question.
44
00:01:52,282 --> 00:01:54,250
Nolan, you didn't do anything to me.
45
00:01:54,317 --> 00:01:55,718
Why did you give me a teddy bear?
46
00:01:55,786 --> 00:01:58,421
I just saw it and thought
it could keep you company,
47
00:01:58,488 --> 00:02:00,890
you know, and if you're
happy you can kiss it
48
00:02:00,958 --> 00:02:04,193
and if you're sad you can
just hold it to your bosom.
49
00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:07,463
That is so sweet. Is that a camera, Nolan?
50
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,835
What?! A camera?
51
00:02:11,902 --> 00:02:14,370
That guy ripped me off! What a bad man!
52
00:02:15,839 --> 00:02:17,707
Just once, I'd like a
bear without a camera.
53
00:02:19,844 --> 00:02:22,485
Nolan, you really gotta examine
this obsession you have with Lacey.
54
00:02:22,546 --> 00:02:24,580
Once again, you're attracted
to someone who treats you badly
55
00:02:24,648 --> 00:02:26,249
and validates your low self-esteem.
56
00:02:26,316 --> 00:02:28,217
Really? 'Cause I...
57
00:02:28,285 --> 00:02:31,687
Shut your loser hole.
He's trying to help you.
58
00:02:31,755 --> 00:02:33,055
Can I interject something?
59
00:02:33,123 --> 00:02:34,890
See, I think the first step
60
00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:37,459
to feeling better about
yourself is looking better.
61
00:02:37,527 --> 00:02:39,295
I mean, you could start
62
00:02:39,362 --> 00:02:41,630
by just making a couple of changes.
63
00:02:41,698 --> 00:02:44,067
For example, just...
64
00:02:44,134 --> 00:02:46,536
all of this and just all of this.
65
00:02:46,604 --> 00:02:49,939
Patrick, getting self-esteem is
not as easy as a change of clothes.
66
00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:52,843
It takes hard work and
it's a gradual process.
67
00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:54,878
Well, as a personal shopper,
68
00:02:54,946 --> 00:02:57,413
I see clothes transform people every day.
69
00:02:57,481 --> 00:03:00,317
It's like therapy except that it's faster
70
00:03:00,385 --> 00:03:02,652
and no one wears black
shoes and white socks...
71
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,354
Ed.
72
00:03:06,791 --> 00:03:08,792
Patrick, there's no reason to praise
73
00:03:08,860 --> 00:03:10,794
one profession at the expense of another.
74
00:03:10,862 --> 00:03:12,863
Even if one of those
professions is selling clothes
75
00:03:12,930 --> 00:03:16,167
made by five-year-old,
crying, Chinese girls.
76
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:18,269
I wanna try to look good.
77
00:03:18,337 --> 00:03:20,038
Will you, uh, help me, Patrick?
78
00:03:20,105 --> 00:03:22,474
Well, I don't wanna get in the way
79
00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,709
of the glacial progress you're making here,
80
00:03:24,777 --> 00:03:26,745
but, yeah, sure. Let's give it a try.
81
00:03:26,813 --> 00:03:29,681
Did I mention that sometimes they
shoot the girls for crying too hard?
82
00:03:32,085 --> 00:03:34,420
Sorry, Dad. Can I see you for a second?
83
00:03:34,487 --> 00:03:37,790
- It's about Grandpa.
- Excuse me a second, guys.
84
00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:43,662
I know you're just the messenger,
but if this is anything about
85
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,498
grapefruit or pudding, I swear to God...
86
00:03:45,565 --> 00:03:47,633
- I just want you to see something.
- Yeah.
87
00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:50,670
I don't know if we should be
worried about Grandpa or not,
88
00:03:50,738 --> 00:03:52,606
but I found this.
89
00:03:56,377 --> 00:03:58,078
Why would Grandpa put his
shoes in the refrigerator?
90
00:03:58,145 --> 00:03:59,813
- Is he okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
91
00:03:59,881 --> 00:04:02,682
- He's fine.
- Are you sure?
92
00:04:02,750 --> 00:04:04,150
Yeah...
93
00:04:04,218 --> 00:04:06,753
yeah, it's an old Irish tradition.
94
00:04:06,821 --> 00:04:08,788
When you go to someone's house,
95
00:04:08,856 --> 00:04:11,291
you put your shoes in their
fridge as a sign of respect.
96
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:15,295
Did you feel respected?
97
00:04:15,363 --> 00:04:17,965
So, why don't we complete the tradition
98
00:04:18,032 --> 00:04:21,968
by taking these shoes
back up to Grandpa's room
99
00:04:22,036 --> 00:04:24,137
and pretending like this never happened.
100
00:04:28,308 --> 00:04:29,976
All: * To you. *
101
00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:35,247
(Cheering)
102
00:04:35,315 --> 00:04:37,617
In all my 65 years,
103
00:04:37,684 --> 00:04:39,419
I have never been this happy.
104
00:04:39,486 --> 00:04:41,855
- I thought you were 72.
- The whole thing was a lie.
105
00:04:41,923 --> 00:04:43,824
You think I've never been this happy?
106
00:04:43,891 --> 00:04:46,460
(Cell phone rings)
107
00:04:46,528 --> 00:04:48,830
- Yeah.
- Don't you wanna answer that?
108
00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:51,966
Nah, just someone calling
to wish me a happy birthday
109
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:54,035
and make another stupid
over-the-hill joke.
110
00:04:54,103 --> 00:04:56,704
"What was it like to live when
the dinosaurs roamed the Earth?"
111
00:04:56,772 --> 00:04:59,308
It was like... mind your
own damn business, buster.
112
00:04:59,375 --> 00:05:02,811
- People are so rude.
- Yeah.
113
00:05:02,879 --> 00:05:05,380
But seriously, what was it like?
114
00:05:05,448 --> 00:05:07,882
You know, a lot of times
the dinosaurs would kill
115
00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:10,552
the youngest member of the
family for being a smart aleck.
116
00:05:10,619 --> 00:05:13,921
Sam, take your Grandpa and
go watch that DVD we got him.
117
00:05:13,989 --> 00:05:16,357
- I'll bring in the cake and ice cream.
- Great.
118
00:05:16,425 --> 00:05:18,759
Can't wait to see "Grumpy Old Men" again.
119
00:05:18,827 --> 00:05:20,528
Hope nobody cut their hand
120
00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:22,897
digging through the bargain
bin by the check-out counter.
121
00:05:22,965 --> 00:05:25,333
Nice to know I'm worth a buck 99.
122
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:30,738
So Sam told me that Martin
put his shoes in the fridge.
123
00:05:30,806 --> 00:05:33,207
That doesn't sound good. Is he okay?
124
00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:36,036
He had a senior moment. You're always
blowing stuff out of proportion.
125
00:05:36,078 --> 00:05:38,913
- People forget things.
- Yeah, I guess.
126
00:05:38,981 --> 00:05:40,548
When you were on the road playing baseball,
127
00:05:40,616 --> 00:05:42,851
you used to forget we were married.
128
00:05:42,918 --> 00:05:46,354
All right, you got me. We're even now.
129
00:05:46,421 --> 00:05:48,756
Guess we don't have to
talk about that anymore.
130
00:05:48,824 --> 00:05:51,592
Hey, excuse me. I gotta hit the
john before we start the film.
131
00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:54,095
- Charlie, what are we animals?
- What?
132
00:05:54,163 --> 00:05:56,324
- You should put a door on this thing.
- Dad, Dad, Dad.
133
00:05:56,365 --> 00:05:57,464
- Stop, stop. It's not a bathroom.
- What?
134
00:05:57,532 --> 00:05:59,766
- It's not a bathroom.
- What?
135
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:02,603
Oh, man. I am really sorry.
136
00:06:02,671 --> 00:06:05,506
I guess I got a little distracted.
137
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,576
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm just really embarrassed
138
00:06:08,644 --> 00:06:11,646
and, uh, I still have
to go to the bathroom.
139
00:06:11,714 --> 00:06:14,816
- There's one upstairs, right?
- Yeah, it's the room without the beds.
140
00:06:17,353 --> 00:06:20,622
Charlie, you've really gotta
take your dad to the doctor.
141
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:22,958
Could be something
serious like Alzheimer's.
142
00:06:23,025 --> 00:06:25,927
Alzheimer's? No, it's probably
just another one of his tricks.
143
00:06:25,995 --> 00:06:28,363
Maybe he wants something. Maybe
he wants to move in with me.
144
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,897
You're right.
145
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:31,832
Maybe nobody has Alzheimer's
146
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:34,335
and one out of five old people
just wanna live with you.
147
00:06:34,402 --> 00:06:36,170
All right, fine. I'll
take him to the doctor,
148
00:06:36,237 --> 00:06:37,738
but I'm telling you, Jen, he
just wants someone to wait on him
149
00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:39,540
hand and foot like his ex-wife used to.
150
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,175
You really think he'd go that far?
151
00:06:41,243 --> 00:06:43,477
He'd pee in your pantry just to fool you?
152
00:06:43,545 --> 00:06:45,346
He's from a generation of people
153
00:06:45,413 --> 00:06:47,882
who still knew the value
of hard work and commitment.
154
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,417
(Mimics Robert Kennedy) There are those
who look at a toilet and say, "Why?"
155
00:06:50,485 --> 00:06:52,219
He looks at a pantry and says, "Why not?"
156
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,424
(theme music playing)
157
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:59,849
Sync & corrections by No1
www.addic7ed.com
158
00:06:59,865 --> 00:07:02,633
I really appreciate you
doing this for me, Patrick.
159
00:07:02,701 --> 00:07:04,741
- I hope I don't let you down.
- Are you kidding me?
160
00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:06,571
You're every stylist's dream.
161
00:07:06,638 --> 00:07:08,539
You're a blank slate
with no style whatsoever.
162
00:07:10,108 --> 00:07:12,042
Thank you.
163
00:07:12,110 --> 00:07:15,645
All right, let's find out who is in there.
164
00:07:15,713 --> 00:07:17,680
Give me one word to describe yourself.
165
00:07:17,748 --> 00:07:20,083
Nolan.
166
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:22,385
All right, you're gonna have
to go a little bit deeper.
167
00:07:22,453 --> 00:07:24,487
(Deep voice) Nolan.
168
00:07:30,195 --> 00:07:32,436
You know what, I have a pretty
good sense of who you are,
169
00:07:32,498 --> 00:07:34,599
so let's just see what we
can do to cover that up.
170
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:36,267
Sounds good.
171
00:07:39,839 --> 00:07:42,841
There. Now that is the kind of shirt
172
00:07:42,908 --> 00:07:44,742
the commands respect.
173
00:07:44,810 --> 00:07:48,412
Wow. I respect it already.
174
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:50,281
Here. Put this on.
175
00:07:52,684 --> 00:07:54,585
Oh, my... look at you.
176
00:07:54,652 --> 00:07:56,920
You already look like a different man.
177
00:07:56,988 --> 00:07:59,522
Oh, my God. I am.
178
00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,491
I look like Ryan Gosling.
179
00:08:01,558 --> 00:08:04,127
His assistant. You sure do.
180
00:08:04,194 --> 00:08:06,295
See, when you look better,
181
00:08:06,363 --> 00:08:08,931
you actually feel better about yourself.
182
00:08:08,999 --> 00:08:11,467
You're right. I do feel better.
183
00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:13,569
If I met myself in a bar...
184
00:08:13,637 --> 00:08:15,805
I'd talk to me.
185
00:08:15,872 --> 00:08:18,574
All we need to do is add this
186
00:08:18,642 --> 00:08:20,176
for just a splash of color.
187
00:08:20,243 --> 00:08:23,345
Uh, I should of told you.
I... I don't like ties.
188
00:08:23,413 --> 00:08:25,581
No, I know it's a little formal,
189
00:08:25,648 --> 00:08:27,649
but now instead of looking like a guy
190
00:08:27,717 --> 00:08:29,617
who sells weed in an alley,
191
00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:32,485
you'll look like the guy in charge
of a guy who sells weed in an alley.
192
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:36,258
I... I... I don't care.
193
00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:38,793
Get get it off of me, get it off of me.
- Would you just hold still?
194
00:08:38,861 --> 00:08:40,395
God, it's like Tarzan's
first day in the city.
195
00:08:40,462 --> 00:08:43,197
It's a tie. It's not gonna hurt you.
196
00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:45,800
I can't breathe! (gasping)
197
00:08:45,867 --> 00:08:47,735
I can't breathe!
198
00:08:49,805 --> 00:08:51,872
(Wailing)
199
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:54,542
Well, now that we have
learned something about you,
200
00:08:54,609 --> 00:08:56,343
here's something about me.
201
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,012
I am very uncomfortable when people cry.
202
00:08:58,046 --> 00:09:00,981
(Wailing continues)
203
00:09:01,049 --> 00:09:03,216
Well, that is the last
time I ever open up to you.
204
00:09:07,121 --> 00:09:09,490
- Yo.
- Hi.
205
00:09:09,557 --> 00:09:11,292
So, how'd it go at the doctors?
206
00:09:11,359 --> 00:09:14,194
Is your dad faking it or does
he really have the 'Heimer's?
207
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,763
The 'Heimer's?
208
00:09:16,831 --> 00:09:20,734
Real sensitive. How's your mom's 'kemia?
209
00:09:20,802 --> 00:09:22,769
Oh, it's in remish.
210
00:09:22,837 --> 00:09:25,338
Look, it helps me to
deal with the heavy stuff
211
00:09:25,406 --> 00:09:27,574
by just giving it a little nickname.
212
00:09:27,642 --> 00:09:29,142
That's how I function.
213
00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:30,610
I learned that from a Jewish friend
214
00:09:30,645 --> 00:09:32,679
who lost his grandparents in the 'Caust.
215
00:09:32,747 --> 00:09:34,982
You even have a nickname for the Holocaust?
216
00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:37,518
No, he lost 'em at Costco.
217
00:09:37,585 --> 00:09:39,987
They wandered off. They had the 'Heimer's.
218
00:09:42,391 --> 00:09:44,158
So how's your dad?
219
00:09:44,226 --> 00:09:45,727
Well, we took him to the doctor.
220
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:48,029
He didn't do so well
on the cognitive stuff.
221
00:09:48,097 --> 00:09:51,199
That doesn't prove anything.
Tests are inconclusive.
222
00:09:51,266 --> 00:09:52,767
So there's no way to know for sure?
223
00:09:52,834 --> 00:09:55,236
Not until they do an autopsy.
224
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:59,373
I tried to schedule one for
tomorrow, but, you know, rules.
225
00:09:59,441 --> 00:10:01,364
So what's the next step?
226
00:10:01,377 --> 00:10:03,311
I don't know, but my gut
tells me he's faking it.
227
00:10:03,378 --> 00:10:05,079
Maybe he tanked the tests on purpose.
228
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:06,681
Well, what if he didn't?
229
00:10:06,748 --> 00:10:09,317
What kind of son are you if
it turns out he's really sick?
230
00:10:09,385 --> 00:10:12,654
The kind that will spend the rest
of my life wracked with guilt.
231
00:10:15,257 --> 00:10:17,659
I can't wait to find out.
232
00:10:17,727 --> 00:10:19,461
I need to know if he's faking it now.
233
00:10:21,463 --> 00:10:22,997
Good luck with that.
234
00:10:23,065 --> 00:10:25,266
You're gonna have to watch the
guy all day to know for sure.
235
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,835
That's why I'm gonna
use this teddy spy cam.
236
00:10:27,902 --> 00:10:29,970
One of my patients left it behind.
237
00:10:30,038 --> 00:10:32,138
Yeah, I got one of those at home.
238
00:10:32,206 --> 00:10:34,541
I thought my housekeeper
was stealing from me.
239
00:10:34,608 --> 00:10:36,542
Is this the hot one?
240
00:10:36,610 --> 00:10:38,444
Oh, yeah.
241
00:10:38,512 --> 00:10:40,079
So was she stealing from you?
242
00:10:40,146 --> 00:10:42,047
Not enough to let her go.
243
00:10:42,115 --> 00:10:46,051
It's always an ethical dilemma
when the hot turn to crime.
244
00:10:46,119 --> 00:10:48,854
They belong in jail, but they're so hot.
245
00:10:51,925 --> 00:10:54,927
It's a good thing they didn't have hidden
cameras like this when I was younger.
246
00:10:54,995 --> 00:10:58,665
I'm sure my parents would have used
it to catch me doing something wrong.
247
00:10:58,733 --> 00:10:59,866
You guys had some trust issues?
248
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:01,768
Yeah, and it only got worse
249
00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:04,538
when they found out I was
sleeping with a college professor.
250
00:11:06,775 --> 00:11:09,016
You slept with a professor
while you were in college? No!
251
00:11:09,077 --> 00:11:12,981
I would never do that.
I was in high school.
252
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:15,117
You are an endless wellspring of wow.
253
00:11:17,453 --> 00:11:20,222
Thank you. Can we go now?
254
00:11:20,290 --> 00:11:22,492
We've been watching your
father for an hour and a half.
255
00:11:22,559 --> 00:11:24,694
All he's done is eat some pudding,
256
00:11:24,761 --> 00:11:26,862
do a crossword puzzle,
eat some more pudding.
257
00:11:26,930 --> 00:11:28,831
- This could take days.
- No, no, no, no.
258
00:11:28,899 --> 00:11:30,566
This is all proving my point.
259
00:11:30,634 --> 00:11:34,037
When I'm home it's all peeing in
the pantry and shoes in the fridge,
260
00:11:34,104 --> 00:11:35,771
but look at him right now.
261
00:11:35,839 --> 00:11:38,407
He's as normal as you and me. Well, me.
262
00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:42,578
I didn't have sex with college
professors until I was in college.
263
00:11:42,646 --> 00:11:45,448
- But you're not gonna see anything.
- Yes, I am.
264
00:11:45,516 --> 00:11:48,784
I'll see enough to prove that
my father's a big, fat liar.
265
00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:51,420
He hasn't done one thing
out of the ordinary.
266
00:11:54,958 --> 00:11:58,260
He's using an ice cream
sandwich as a remote control.
267
00:11:58,328 --> 00:12:00,696
(Chuckles) No, he's not.
268
00:12:00,764 --> 00:12:03,032
He's using
269
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,268
an ice cream sandwich as a remote control.
270
00:12:11,677 --> 00:12:13,478
Oh, my God.
271
00:12:13,546 --> 00:12:15,280
He's got the 'Heimer's.
272
00:12:26,627 --> 00:12:28,461
Too easy.
273
00:09:37,571 --> 00:09:38,571
♪ ♪
274
00:09:38,573 --> 00:09:39,906
♪ Twisted ♪
275
00:09:39,908 --> 00:09:40,408
♪ ♪
276
00:12:47,325 --> 00:12:49,225
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
277
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:51,894
- How you doing?
- I'm okay,
278
00:12:51,962 --> 00:12:54,998
but I think you need to get a
refund on this subscription, though.
279
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,734
They printed the whole
magazine upside down.
280
00:12:57,802 --> 00:13:00,103
- Hold on. I think I have an extra copy.
- Oh.
281
00:13:01,638 --> 00:13:05,174
Oh, thank you, son.
282
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,642
- Mind if I have a beer with ya?
- Not at all.
283
00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:09,011
- Please, join me.
- (Sighs)
284
00:13:19,889 --> 00:13:21,356
Listen, I've been thinking.
285
00:13:21,423 --> 00:13:24,025
We should talk about you
coming to live with me.
286
00:13:24,093 --> 00:13:26,194
- Permanently.
- Oh, no, no, no.
287
00:13:26,261 --> 00:13:28,621
I couldn't do that, son. I
mean, it's great fun living here,
288
00:13:28,664 --> 00:13:30,932
but I have to get back to my own place.
289
00:13:30,999 --> 00:13:33,267
I'm sorry, Dad, but it's just
much safer if you're here,
290
00:13:33,335 --> 00:13:35,203
- so I can keep an eye on you.
- What happened?
291
00:13:35,271 --> 00:13:37,138
Is it the results from those tests?
292
00:13:37,206 --> 00:13:39,040
That doesn't mean anything.
293
00:13:40,676 --> 00:13:42,978
No, no. You're sharp as ever.
294
00:13:45,882 --> 00:13:47,950
Just to be on the safe side,
I'm gonna go to your apartment
295
00:13:48,018 --> 00:13:49,685
- and bring all your stuff back here.
- No, no, no.
296
00:13:49,753 --> 00:13:52,034
You can't do that. No, I'll
never give up my independence.
297
00:13:52,088 --> 00:13:55,057
By God, I fought in the
war. Incoming! Take cover!
298
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:58,327
Take cover, son! We gotta get outta here.
299
00:13:58,395 --> 00:14:01,263
All right, cease fire. At
ease, Dad, at ease, at ease.
300
00:14:01,331 --> 00:14:04,599
Come on, come on. It's okay.
301
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,434
- Oh.
- It's okay. It's all right, come on.
302
00:14:06,502 --> 00:14:10,038
Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I
get scared sometimes, son.
303
00:14:10,105 --> 00:14:11,606
It's okay.
304
00:14:11,674 --> 00:14:14,542
Why don't you sit down and
let me fix you a club sandwich.
305
00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:17,412
With extra bacon?
306
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,214
Sure, Dad. Extra bacon.
307
00:14:19,282 --> 00:14:21,984
Yeah, because, you know, I think
I remember I like it crispy.
308
00:14:30,326 --> 00:14:33,395
Oh, hey.
309
00:14:33,462 --> 00:14:35,764
Sorry, I always
310
00:14:35,832 --> 00:14:38,801
fall asleep after a panic attack.
311
00:14:38,868 --> 00:14:41,437
Sucks when it happens in
a supermarket or a bank.
312
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,842
Well, I don't really know what to do now.
313
00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:49,846
I guess I should ask you
if you wanna talk about it.
314
00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:51,681
I can't, it's too painful.
315
00:14:51,749 --> 00:14:54,183
Oh, thank God.
316
00:14:54,251 --> 00:14:57,587
I have packed you a to-go box,
so I will see you in group.
317
00:14:57,654 --> 00:15:02,091
- I guess it all started with my dad.
- Oh, crap.
318
00:15:02,159 --> 00:15:06,096
He was an ex-Marine from Texas. Scary man.
319
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:08,598
There was a seven grade dance
320
00:15:08,666 --> 00:15:10,433
and I didn't wanna go 'cause
I was kinda awkward back then.
321
00:15:10,501 --> 00:15:12,802
You? No.
322
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:16,506
And my dad said that I had to
go to the dance and meet girls.
323
00:15:16,573 --> 00:15:19,976
So I hid under the bed and
he pulled me out by my tie
324
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,147
and dragged me by my neck
all the way to the dance.
325
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,483
Oh, my God. That's awful.
326
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:28,352
It's like some sort of reverse "Footloose."
327
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:31,722
And to this day, I can't wear a tie.
328
00:15:31,790 --> 00:15:35,226
- I'm feel like I'm choking.
- No, no, no, no.
329
00:15:35,294 --> 00:15:36,855
Don't do that. We've done that already.
330
00:15:36,862 --> 00:15:39,565
Just tell me what I can
do to make it better.
331
00:15:42,168 --> 00:15:43,602
A hug would help.
332
00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,670
Yeah, so just let me know
if you think of anything.
333
00:15:47,975 --> 00:15:50,209
I'd like a hug, Patrick.
334
00:15:50,277 --> 00:15:53,346
I'm sorry. I don't do comfort.
335
00:15:53,414 --> 00:15:56,216
It's my issue. I've just
never been really good
336
00:15:56,284 --> 00:15:58,452
around other people's pain.
But I'm working on it, though.
337
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,756
Okay, I understand. I
think I can drive home now.
338
00:16:01,823 --> 00:16:04,192
Great. So...
339
00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:06,161
- feel better.
- Thanks.
340
00:16:07,997 --> 00:16:10,732
No one has ever listened to
me without being paid before.
341
00:16:13,603 --> 00:16:14,870
Okey dokey.
342
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:18,739
- Okay, that's enough.
- Stay with it.
343
00:16:18,807 --> 00:16:21,542
You're doing great. Ride it out, big guy.
344
00:16:24,379 --> 00:16:26,113
You brought this on yourself, Nolan.
345
00:16:28,550 --> 00:16:30,851
Didn't your father have a
whole collection of watches?
346
00:16:30,919 --> 00:16:32,219
I can't find them anywhere.
347
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:34,221
Check the microwave?
348
00:16:34,289 --> 00:16:36,958
Like there's room in
there with all his socks.
349
00:16:37,026 --> 00:16:40,562
- (Knocking on door)
- Woman: Hello?
350
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:42,964
We know you're in there,
Martin. We can hear you.
351
00:16:43,032 --> 00:16:45,901
Woman 2: Get your
ass out here, you coward!
352
00:16:45,969 --> 00:16:49,705
Wow. Don't stiff the Girl Scouts
for cookies in this neighborhood.
353
00:16:52,709 --> 00:16:54,310
45 years ago.
354
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,415
You must be the girls from Troop one.
355
00:16:59,483 --> 00:17:02,118
- Who the hell are you?
- It's obviously his son.
356
00:17:02,186 --> 00:17:05,088
Look at him. He's got Martin's face.
357
00:17:05,156 --> 00:17:07,958
Maybe that's why I wanna punch it.
358
00:17:08,025 --> 00:17:09,626
And to what do I owe this pleasure?
359
00:17:09,694 --> 00:17:13,030
We need to see your father.
Martin, get out here!
360
00:17:13,097 --> 00:17:16,066
Whoa, slowdown. What is going on?
361
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:19,102
This young man's father was
having a relationship with me.
362
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:22,539
While we were waltzing in
the sheets down the hall.
363
00:17:22,607 --> 00:17:24,274
Hold on, hold on.
364
00:17:24,342 --> 00:17:26,209
Are you telling me that my dad, Martin,
365
00:17:26,277 --> 00:17:29,779
the patron saint of monogamy,
was cheating with two women?
366
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:32,582
Oh, my gosh. You make
total sense now, Charlie.
367
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:34,917
Cheating is genetic.
368
00:17:34,985 --> 00:17:37,653
He's been avoiding us ever since
we found out about each other.
369
00:17:37,721 --> 00:17:39,989
We confronted him and he ran.
370
00:17:40,056 --> 00:17:42,691
We would have caught him,
but he went up some stairs.
371
00:17:45,161 --> 00:17:46,795
So you were the ones that
were calling all the time.
372
00:17:46,863 --> 00:17:48,530
He's such a liar.
373
00:17:48,598 --> 00:17:50,533
He actually told us he
couldn't be responsible
374
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,634
for his actions 'cause he had Alzheimer's.
375
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:55,204
- Geez, geez.
- Wow.
376
00:17:55,272 --> 00:17:57,773
How stupid would someone have to be
377
00:17:57,841 --> 00:17:59,281
to believe a load of crap like that?
378
00:17:59,309 --> 00:18:02,311
He's your dad, Charlie.
You wanted to believe him.
379
00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:06,583
I wanna confront him,
but it might be too late.
380
00:18:06,651 --> 00:18:09,816
I hear he's getting pushed out of
his son's window later this afternoon.
381
00:18:12,588 --> 00:18:15,624
- (Humming)
- Hey, Dad.
382
00:18:23,566 --> 00:18:26,768
- How was your day?
- Oh, not so good, son.
383
00:18:26,836 --> 00:18:29,304
I couldn't even find
the laundry room today.
384
00:18:29,372 --> 00:18:31,607
If a man can't do his own
laundry, what's left of him?
385
00:18:31,674 --> 00:18:34,543
I guess, I'll just have to swallow my pride
386
00:18:34,611 --> 00:18:36,078
and let you do that for me, too.
387
00:18:38,681 --> 00:18:40,983
Damn this disease.
388
00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:44,720
Dad, sit down. I gotta talk to ya.
389
00:18:44,788 --> 00:18:46,922
You mean over there on the sailboat?
390
00:18:46,990 --> 00:18:49,291
- Yes, on the sailboat.
- All right.
391
00:18:52,628 --> 00:18:56,464
Ah that's the rowboat.
- Oh.
392
00:18:56,532 --> 00:18:58,099
Sorry.
393
00:19:00,168 --> 00:19:02,069
Listen, I got some bad news
394
00:19:02,137 --> 00:19:04,738
and I know that it's gonna be hard to hear.
395
00:19:04,806 --> 00:19:06,486
The results from your blood work came back
396
00:19:06,541 --> 00:19:08,976
and they found some kind
of a rare bone disease.
397
00:19:09,043 --> 00:19:11,378
- What?
- I know, I know.
398
00:19:11,446 --> 00:19:15,181
I couldn't believe it either, but
there is something they can do.
399
00:19:15,249 --> 00:19:17,116
It's a marrow procedure
400
00:19:17,184 --> 00:19:19,318
that's extremely painful
401
00:19:19,386 --> 00:19:22,888
and takes a very, very, very long time.
402
00:19:22,956 --> 00:19:24,790
Oh, my God.
403
00:19:24,858 --> 00:19:26,892
But here's the good news.
404
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,262
There is one day a week where you're
not strapped down to the machine,
405
00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:32,171
but you spend most of
that day in the bathroom.
406
00:19:34,735 --> 00:19:37,503
So you found out about
Elaine and Barbara, huh?
407
00:19:37,571 --> 00:19:39,472
And you found out about the teddy cam.
408
00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,941
I saw it in a SkyMall magazine.
409
00:19:42,009 --> 00:19:43,476
Anyone who's ever gotten on a plane
410
00:19:43,544 --> 00:19:47,280
without any reading material
could've figured that one out.
411
00:19:47,348 --> 00:19:50,150
Dad, I gotta tell you.
What you did was disgusting.
412
00:19:50,218 --> 00:19:53,220
Oh, come on. Barb's not that
bad and Elaine's got DIRECTV.
413
00:19:53,288 --> 00:19:56,290
I'm talking about faking Alzheimer's.
414
00:19:56,358 --> 00:19:57,758
Why didn't you just tell me
you needed a place to hide out?
415
00:19:57,826 --> 00:19:59,260
Oh, Charlie.
416
00:19:59,328 --> 00:20:01,696
I've always ridden you so
hard for being a womanizer.
417
00:20:01,764 --> 00:20:04,099
I didn't wanna give you
the impression that I was,
418
00:20:04,167 --> 00:20:06,268
- you know a...
- Hypocrite?
419
00:20:06,336 --> 00:20:10,139
Hey, just because you say one thing and
do another, doesn't make you a hypocrite.
420
00:20:10,207 --> 00:20:12,975
Can we continue this conversation
upstairs near a window?
421
00:20:13,043 --> 00:20:15,411
Look, I never meant for
this to happen. Believe me.
422
00:20:15,479 --> 00:20:18,348
I had real feelings for both of
them and I just couldn't choose.
423
00:20:18,415 --> 00:20:22,285
See, Barbara's a diabetic
and Elaine's got melanoma,
424
00:20:22,352 --> 00:20:25,588
so I was kinda hoping
God would choose for me.
425
00:20:25,656 --> 00:20:27,223
Well, he didn't.
426
00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:29,659
So now you gotta go back
there and deal with them.
427
00:20:29,727 --> 00:20:32,663
Oh, no. After what I've
done, they're both so angry.
428
00:20:32,730 --> 00:20:35,199
- I just don't know if I can handle it.
- You won't have to do it alone.
429
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,601
Luckily, your son is an
anger management therapist.
430
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,671
- I'll even mediate.
- You'd really do that for me?
431
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:44,075
I remember a dad who was always
there when his kid got in a jam.
432
00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,784
- Mr. Kellerman down the street.
- Yeah, I'm gonna do this for him.
433
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:52,283
Oh, Charlie. They're gonna kill me.
434
00:20:54,252 --> 00:20:55,886
Dad, don't worry.
435
00:20:55,953 --> 00:20:57,654
Sure, they're gonna wanna
yell at you and humiliate you
436
00:20:57,722 --> 00:20:59,522
and maybe even throw some stuff,
437
00:20:59,590 --> 00:21:01,658
but none of that will
happen as long as I'm here.
438
00:21:01,726 --> 00:21:03,426
- Oh.
- (Knocking on door)
439
00:21:11,302 --> 00:21:13,436
Barb. Elaine.
440
00:21:13,504 --> 00:21:15,438
He's all yours.
441
00:21:15,506 --> 00:21:18,006
Wait a sec! No, no, wait a
minute. I didn't... Charlie!
442
00:21:18,031 --> 00:21:23,031
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