1
00:00:00,288 --> 00:00:02,687
So, Ed, when did the fight
with your wife start?
2
00:00:04,349 --> 00:00:07,148
1972.
3
00:00:07,225 --> 00:00:10,199
No, no. I meant the fight
that caused all of that.
4
00:00:10,221 --> 00:00:12,020
Oh, yesterday.
5
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:17,105
She used my razor
on her Sasquatch legs again.
6
00:00:17,173 --> 00:00:19,979
It gets the blade all catawampus
7
00:00:20,047 --> 00:00:21,519
and it cuts my face.
8
00:00:21,587 --> 00:00:22,920
What the hell is catawampus?
9
00:00:22,988 --> 00:00:25,490
My mom's boobs.
10
00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:28,459
That's why you should never use
Groupon to find a plastic surgeon.
11
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:33,431
Anyway, we got in this big old fight
12
00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:36,503
and then she said she wanted to
leave me and then we got drunk
13
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,707
and then we had makeup sex
14
00:00:38,774 --> 00:00:42,311
in my neighbor's rosebushes.
15
00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:44,580
And that's how all this happened.
16
00:00:44,647 --> 00:00:48,450
Well, shame on me for asking.
17
00:00:48,518 --> 00:00:50,187
But the positive part of Ed's story
18
00:00:50,254 --> 00:00:51,589
is that when you know
your partner well enough,
19
00:00:51,656 --> 00:00:54,793
you can resolve things
and not go to bed angry.
20
00:00:54,861 --> 00:00:57,730
I fight so dirty, I've never
actually had makeup sex.
21
00:00:57,798 --> 00:00:59,833
It usually violates
the restraining order.
22
00:01:01,202 --> 00:01:02,870
I love makeup sex.
23
00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:04,940
Especially with Katy Perry.
24
00:01:05,007 --> 00:01:07,076
I make up sex with her all the time.
25
00:01:08,512 --> 00:01:10,379
I'm so lonely.
26
00:01:12,683 --> 00:01:15,952
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Charlie.
27
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:18,356
I know I'm early for our, uh,
28
00:01:18,424 --> 00:01:20,794
research paper discussion.
29
00:01:20,861 --> 00:01:22,662
I'll go grab a cup of coffee.
30
00:01:24,065 --> 00:01:27,069
- As you were.
- No problem, Dr. Wales.
31
00:01:27,136 --> 00:01:29,038
You may find this kind of interesting.
32
00:01:29,106 --> 00:01:31,008
We were just saying
that a history with someone,
33
00:01:31,075 --> 00:01:33,945
say a long-term friendship,
is a key factor
34
00:01:34,013 --> 00:01:36,883
to having a successful
romantic relationship.
35
00:01:36,950 --> 00:01:38,719
If that's what you're looking for.
36
00:01:38,786 --> 00:01:42,022
Oh, I'm sorry.
No one asked for my opinion.
37
00:01:42,089 --> 00:01:43,791
Sorry, I was only talking about
38
00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:46,361
what emotionally healthy
people might want,
39
00:01:46,428 --> 00:01:48,129
which is a committed relationship.
40
00:01:48,197 --> 00:01:50,198
Excuse me.
41
00:01:50,266 --> 00:01:53,837
Emotionally-healthy people
also value their independence
42
00:01:53,904 --> 00:01:56,540
and, as any evolutionary
biologist would tell you,
43
00:01:56,608 --> 00:01:58,675
monogamy is completely unsustainable.
44
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,878
Oh, yeah? What about the swans?
45
00:02:00,945 --> 00:02:02,846
Or the Malagasy giant rat?
46
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,316
Have you ever seen those rats?
47
00:02:05,384 --> 00:02:08,152
They don't have a lot of choices.
48
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:11,289
Yeah, but the swans are smoking hot.
49
00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:13,598
They can get all the swan tail
they want, but they don't.
50
00:02:15,462 --> 00:02:17,130
Great session, everybody.
51
00:02:17,198 --> 00:02:18,999
Don't read anything into this.
52
00:02:21,970 --> 00:02:24,251
- I thought we were making progress.
- Progress with what?
53
00:02:24,272 --> 00:02:26,407
With our nonemotional,
54
00:02:26,475 --> 00:02:28,577
anticommitment, purely
sexual relationship.
55
00:02:28,644 --> 00:02:30,011
And that progress would be?
56
00:02:30,079 --> 00:02:32,081
I thought we were now
in a quasi-emotional,
57
00:02:32,148 --> 00:02:35,518
commitment-neutral, mostly
sexual relationship.
58
00:02:35,586 --> 00:02:38,654
Maybe we are, but you don't have to rub
my nose in it in front of your group.
59
00:02:38,722 --> 00:02:40,056
They didn't know what
we were talking about.
60
00:02:40,124 --> 00:02:41,458
It doesn't matter.
61
00:02:41,526 --> 00:02:45,023
We did and I am not moving
any further than that.
62
00:02:45,091 --> 00:02:46,820
A relationship is like a shark.
63
00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:49,156
If you get too close, it will kill you.
64
00:02:50,892 --> 00:02:52,493
You know, I think something
really bad happened to you
65
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,127
when you were a kid.
66
00:02:54,195 --> 00:02:56,262
And then as an adult.
67
00:02:56,330 --> 00:02:58,764
And then right before
you walked in this kitchen.
68
00:03:07,907 --> 00:03:09,774
Yeah, sure.
69
00:03:13,878 --> 00:03:16,746
- Charlie?
- Hope?
70
00:03:16,814 --> 00:03:20,451
- Uh-huh. Hi.
- Wow.
71
00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:23,922
- How long has it been since therapy?
- Almost five years.
72
00:03:23,989 --> 00:03:26,324
Oh, you look great. You look happy.
73
00:03:26,392 --> 00:03:29,027
Are you still, you know, dancing?
74
00:03:29,095 --> 00:03:31,897
You can say it. Stripping.
75
00:03:31,965 --> 00:03:34,066
- And, no.
- That's great. That's great.
76
00:03:34,134 --> 00:03:36,702
You really turned things around when
you stopped being an angry stripper.
77
00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:40,273
Oh, yeah. I made way more
money as a happy stripper.
78
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:43,676
Cool. A novelty act.
79
00:03:43,744 --> 00:03:45,878
And then I quit and used the money
80
00:03:45,946 --> 00:03:48,547
to open a chain of tattoo-removal shops
81
00:03:48,615 --> 00:03:51,550
called Tramps Without Stamps.
82
00:03:51,618 --> 00:03:54,420
Well, you are definitely
climbing the pole of success.
83
00:03:54,488 --> 00:03:56,656
- Uh-huh.
- Please.
84
00:03:58,593 --> 00:04:01,595
I'm... I'm so sorry that we didn't
keep in touch after therapy.
85
00:04:01,663 --> 00:04:04,800
Yeah, well, I didn't know
if it was cool.
86
00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:07,703
I mean, you make a connection
with your therapist
87
00:04:07,771 --> 00:04:09,873
and you don't know if it's real
88
00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:11,741
or it's because you're slipping
89
00:04:11,809 --> 00:04:14,610
200 bucks a session into their G-string.
90
00:04:14,678 --> 00:04:17,280
No, no. What we had was real.
91
00:04:17,348 --> 00:04:19,882
I remember that one time we bumped
into each other in that bar.
92
00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,585
I wouldn't have sat there
telling you about my divorce
93
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,354
till 3:00 in the morning if we
didn't have some kind of connection.
94
00:04:25,422 --> 00:04:28,190
Yeah.
95
00:04:28,258 --> 00:04:30,593
So, you still single?
96
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:33,329
So I've been told repeatedly.
97
00:04:35,499 --> 00:04:38,034
Well, I have a confession.
98
00:04:38,101 --> 00:04:41,271
I left my copy of "Eat
Pray Love" at your house
99
00:04:41,338 --> 00:04:44,307
after my last session
and I always sort of hoped
100
00:04:44,375 --> 00:04:46,577
you'd find it and give me a call.
101
00:04:46,644 --> 00:04:48,946
I should have known that was
yours from the bookmark.
102
00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:51,448
It was a crumpled 20
covered with glitter.
103
00:04:51,516 --> 00:04:54,685
You know, I haven't been
in a strip club for two years
104
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,888
and I still find glitter
in the weirdest places.
105
00:04:57,956 --> 00:04:59,657
That is so funny. So do I.
106
00:05:01,793 --> 00:05:03,894
You know, I really have to get going,
107
00:05:03,962 --> 00:05:06,697
but I would love to get
together and catch up more.
108
00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:09,599
- How about Wednesday?
- You got it.
109
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,768
Oh, before you go.
110
00:05:11,836 --> 00:05:14,805
I'm doing a little survey.
Finish this sentence for me.
111
00:05:14,872 --> 00:05:17,040
A relationship
is like a shark because...
112
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:20,644
Because they're both awesome in Hawaii.
113
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,145
(chuckles)
114
00:05:22,213 --> 00:05:24,481
How about Tuesday?
115
00:05:24,548 --> 00:05:26,349
(theme music playing)
116
00:05:26,374 --> 00:05:29,474
Sync & corrections by No1
www.addic7ed.Com
117
00:05:29,555 --> 00:05:31,656
I know this sounds crazy,
but I had a huge crush
118
00:05:31,724 --> 00:05:33,325
on Hope when she was
in my therapy group.
119
00:05:33,391 --> 00:05:35,625
But I was a complete professional
and I put those feelings aside.
120
00:05:35,693 --> 00:05:37,326
I don't think it's crazy.
121
00:05:37,394 --> 00:05:39,960
It's a plot from a bad porno,
but not crazy.
122
00:05:40,028 --> 00:05:42,059
I think I might have a future with her.
123
00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:44,323
There's the crazy part.
I knew you'd get there.
124
00:05:45,821 --> 00:05:48,419
You do realize that
the American Psychological.
125
00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:50,518
Association has a guideline
that you have to wait
126
00:05:50,586 --> 00:05:52,784
at least five years before
you date an ex-patient?
127
00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:55,951
I checked my notes. It's been four
years, six months, and seven days.
128
00:05:56,018 --> 00:05:58,386
Did you check your notes
or were you checking the marks
129
00:05:58,454 --> 00:06:00,821
you scratched on the wall with a nail?
130
00:06:00,889 --> 00:06:02,690
But this five-year thing...
131
00:06:02,758 --> 00:06:04,491
I mean, there's some wiggle
room there, don't you think?
132
00:06:04,559 --> 00:06:06,459
Like the expiration date on milk.
133
00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:09,828
If you don't follow the guidelines, you
could have your license taken away.
134
00:06:09,896 --> 00:06:12,196
So I'll be friends with Hope for six
months, then everything's fine.
135
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:13,764
Oh, please.
136
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,400
You'll chug that expired milk
straight from the carton.
137
00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:19,735
You can't be friends with a woman
without sleeping with her.
138
00:06:19,803 --> 00:06:23,171
Hey, you and I were friends for eight
years before we started chugging.
139
00:06:23,239 --> 00:06:27,007
Because I had self-control
and you had a wife.
140
00:06:27,074 --> 00:06:29,375
Okay, therapy session time-out.
141
00:06:31,845 --> 00:06:34,879
- You're my friend, right?
- Yes, I am your friend.
142
00:06:36,182 --> 00:06:38,982
Thank you, Siri.
143
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,450
And you want me to be happy, right?
144
00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:43,186
Within reason.
145
00:06:43,253 --> 00:06:45,654
And you don't want any type
of committed relationship.
146
00:06:45,722 --> 00:06:46,831
Nope.
147
00:06:46,844 --> 00:06:47,963
Well, then why shouldn't
I take a shot at Hope?
148
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,325
- We have history.
- Because you're an idiot. Time-in.
149
00:06:50,392 --> 00:06:52,860
As your therapist, I'm
concerned about your career.
150
00:06:52,928 --> 00:06:54,495
When's the next time
you're gonna see Hope?
151
00:06:54,562 --> 00:06:57,564
Tomorrow. Time-out.
152
00:06:57,632 --> 00:06:59,332
We're going to trivia night
at the Merry Peasant.
153
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,334
You could've said that within
the context of the session.
154
00:07:01,401 --> 00:07:03,603
I got confused.
155
00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:06,372
All right, slugger. How about
I grab a date, swing by,
156
00:07:06,439 --> 00:07:08,079
and make sure everything
stays aboveboard?
157
00:07:08,091 --> 00:07:09,741
Sounds good.
158
00:07:09,809 --> 00:07:11,776
So my therapist, who I'm
secretly having sex with,
159
00:07:11,843 --> 00:07:14,178
is bringing a clueless date
to meet my former patient
160
00:07:14,246 --> 00:07:16,480
who doesn't know that I'm
secretly attracted to her.
161
00:07:16,548 --> 00:07:18,849
Yup, everything's aboveboard.
162
00:07:20,585 --> 00:07:23,620
I must warn you, I am
pretty good at bar trivia.
163
00:07:23,688 --> 00:07:25,954
Especially sports and entertainment.
164
00:07:26,022 --> 00:07:27,921
Well, I am great on geography.
165
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:31,524
I stripped my way across six continents.
166
00:07:31,592 --> 00:07:34,360
Wow, you're like a hot
"Dora the Explorer."
167
00:07:34,427 --> 00:07:36,928
Gracias, Carlos.
168
00:07:36,996 --> 00:07:39,097
You know, I've been wondering
169
00:07:39,164 --> 00:07:42,666
what happens when someone
becomes an ex-patient?
170
00:07:42,734 --> 00:07:45,401
Is there some sort of grace period
171
00:07:45,469 --> 00:07:47,770
before you're allowed to hit it?
172
00:07:47,838 --> 00:07:51,440
You mean some relationship purgatory
173
00:07:51,508 --> 00:07:54,075
where the therapist is stuck
waiting and waiting...
174
00:07:54,143 --> 00:07:56,477
just counting the days to pounce?
175
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,178
That is unsavory.
176
00:07:58,246 --> 00:08:01,682
- Kate, hi.
- Charlie, hi.
177
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:05,050
Hi. I'm Kate Wales. This is Tom.
178
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:08,115
- Oh, my God.
- Oh.
179
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:10,243
Well, you two know each other.
180
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:12,640
Yes. Oh, this is so weird.
181
00:08:12,707 --> 00:08:14,941
Tom was my therapist, too.
182
00:08:15,009 --> 00:08:16,776
Yeah, but that was almost
five years ago.
183
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,446
You know, you look incredible.
184
00:08:19,513 --> 00:08:21,581
As does Kate. Your date.
185
00:08:21,649 --> 00:08:23,849
No, no. This is sweet.
186
00:08:23,917 --> 00:08:25,984
Hope's obviously excited to see her
187
00:08:26,052 --> 00:08:29,453
second therapist.
188
00:08:29,521 --> 00:08:31,255
Charlie was my anger therapist
189
00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:34,457
at the same time I was
seeing Tom for my phobias.
190
00:08:34,525 --> 00:08:36,725
But I never thought you guys would meet.
191
00:08:36,793 --> 00:08:39,760
Yeah, the phobia guys are a
little scared of the anger guys.
192
00:08:39,828 --> 00:08:42,228
And between you and me,
that really pisses us off.
193
00:08:44,364 --> 00:08:46,197
It's a little embarrassing
having two people
194
00:08:46,265 --> 00:08:49,033
at the same table
who know all my secrets.
195
00:08:49,101 --> 00:08:51,602
I feel kind of naked.
196
00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:54,738
Oh, no. There's no shame
in being vulnerable.
197
00:08:54,806 --> 00:08:56,973
Or naked.
198
00:08:57,041 --> 00:08:59,876
Or inappropriate, apparently.
199
00:08:59,943 --> 00:09:03,246
Well, I'm gonna run to the ladies'
room before the game starts.
200
00:09:03,313 --> 00:09:05,115
- Be right back.
- Okay.
201
00:09:09,153 --> 00:09:11,286
Really?
202
00:09:11,354 --> 00:09:13,054
So, Tom.
203
00:09:13,122 --> 00:09:15,356
When was the last time
you saw Hope professionally?
204
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,692
Oh, geez. Four years, eight months ago.
205
00:09:17,759 --> 00:09:20,095
I never thought I'd see her
again and then here she is.
206
00:09:20,162 --> 00:09:21,763
Four months before the deadline.
207
00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:24,400
Oh, this is fate.
208
00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:26,669
Someone up there wants me
to bag it and tag it.
209
00:09:28,171 --> 00:09:31,006
- What did you just say?
- Oh, please.
210
00:09:31,074 --> 00:09:33,474
I knew this night would be a
disaster when you opened the door
211
00:09:33,476 --> 00:09:36,045
with that sour expression
and the wool turtleneck.
212
00:09:37,614 --> 00:09:39,515
So you're actually
counting down the days
213
00:09:39,583 --> 00:09:42,655
until you can prey on the
affections of a former patient?
214
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:45,766
- I should call the ethics board on you.
- Oh, and say what?
215
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:48,906
I'm guilty of nothing except
having a heart and a soul.
216
00:09:48,974 --> 00:09:51,645
I'll hide my intentions until
it's appropriate to tell her.
217
00:09:53,450 --> 00:09:55,619
About two months before you do.
218
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:58,856
- Excuse me?
- That... that is a mouth full of voodoo.
219
00:09:58,924 --> 00:10:01,257
I will play trivia with you, sir,
220
00:10:01,325 --> 00:10:03,085
but you are a friend
to no one at this table.
221
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:08,900
Hey, Charlie. Sam left
her flash drive here.
222
00:10:08,913 --> 00:10:10,463
We'll be out in a second.
223
00:10:10,531 --> 00:10:12,131
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
224
00:10:12,199 --> 00:10:13,599
Why are you lighting
candles in the house?
225
00:10:13,667 --> 00:10:16,669
It's aromatherapy, Sam.
It helps me relax.
226
00:10:16,737 --> 00:10:19,538
It's an open flame
with only wax to keep it
227
00:10:19,606 --> 00:10:21,540
from setting fire to
everything in the house.
228
00:10:21,608 --> 00:10:23,475
Yeah, it's a candle.
229
00:10:25,111 --> 00:10:27,112
What do you think people did
before electricity?
230
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:29,350
Died in fires.
231
00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:35,723
Okay, so who is she?
232
00:10:35,790 --> 00:10:38,859
Her name is Hope. She's an ex-patient.
233
00:10:38,927 --> 00:10:40,460
She's coming by to pick up a book
and this is the first chance
234
00:10:40,528 --> 00:10:41,995
I've had to be alone with her.
235
00:10:42,063 --> 00:10:44,765
You're allowed to date your ex-patients?
That's creepy.
236
00:10:44,832 --> 00:10:46,766
Well, it's only creepy
for the first five years.
237
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:50,373
In about six months
it gets upgraded to awesome.
238
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,742
You better be careful, Charlie.
239
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:54,811
You don't wanna jeopardize your job.
240
00:10:54,879 --> 00:10:56,946
I won't. She's just coming
by to pick up a book.
241
00:10:57,014 --> 00:10:59,983
What's with the candles?
242
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,618
Hey, Abraham Lincoln lit candles
243
00:11:01,685 --> 00:11:04,254
and he didn't bang everybody
that walked into his cabin.
244
00:11:04,321 --> 00:11:06,756
I'm serious. I've been there.
245
00:11:06,824 --> 00:11:08,191
When I was a teenager,
246
00:11:08,259 --> 00:11:10,327
I lost a job for "fraternizing" at work.
247
00:11:10,395 --> 00:11:12,363
We weren't even
fraternizing-fraternizing.
248
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,264
We were just dry fraternizing.
249
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:18,168
- You ready to go, Sam?
- Yeah.
250
00:11:18,236 --> 00:11:19,876
(doorbell rings)
251
00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:21,539
I just wanna get one last
look before it's gone.
252
00:11:21,607 --> 00:11:23,341
We used to put the Christmas
tree right over there.
253
00:11:23,409 --> 00:11:24,909
Sam, please.
254
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:27,245
They're just candles.
Your dad will put them out.
255
00:11:27,313 --> 00:11:30,982
Don't forget to put them out.
Text me when they're out.
256
00:11:35,454 --> 00:11:37,022
Hey, Hope.
257
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:39,624
Hey, hope you're not staying.
258
00:11:39,692 --> 00:11:42,527
- Charlie, this is my friend.
- Dr. Leslie Moore.
259
00:11:42,595 --> 00:11:44,296
I used to be Hope's psychiatrist.
Good to meet you.
260
00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:46,932
Psychiatrist?
261
00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:48,800
You didn't mention
you had another shrink
262
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:51,036
other than the other shrink
you didn't mention.
263
00:11:51,104 --> 00:11:54,173
Oh, I didn't do therapy
with Hope, per se.
264
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,975
I was her psychopharmacologist.
265
00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:59,578
I prescribed her medication.
266
00:11:59,645 --> 00:12:02,914
I know what a psychopharmacologist is.
267
00:12:02,982 --> 00:12:05,216
We bumped into each other
268
00:12:05,284 --> 00:12:06,952
about a month ago at the gym.
269
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,389
I hope you don't mind, but he
insisted on coming to meet you.
270
00:12:10,457 --> 00:12:13,793
Big baseball fan.
271
00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:15,662
- I'm gonna go get some glasses, okay?
- Okay.
272
00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:18,698
Uh, please.
273
00:12:21,202 --> 00:12:23,970
- So you're a big baseball fan, huh?
- Yeah, love baseball.
274
00:12:24,038 --> 00:12:26,173
Second base, the gloves... all of it.
275
00:12:27,942 --> 00:12:30,344
I bet you love it when the catcher
276
00:12:30,412 --> 00:12:33,781
blocks home plate so the
other guy can't score.
277
00:12:33,848 --> 00:12:36,417
I just enjoy the competition.
278
00:12:39,754 --> 00:12:41,789
I see.
279
00:12:41,856 --> 00:12:45,092
So how long have you been
Hope's glorified drug dealer?
280
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,127
I'm partially joking, of course.
281
00:12:47,195 --> 00:12:49,196
Well, I haven't written
Hope a prescription
282
00:12:49,264 --> 00:12:51,866
in almost five years.
283
00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:53,867
How long would you say it is exactly?
284
00:12:53,935 --> 00:12:55,502
Well, let's see.
285
00:12:55,570 --> 00:12:58,071
November was Zoloft.
30 days hath Celexa,
286
00:12:58,139 --> 00:13:02,075
all the rest have 31...
four years and 11 months.
287
00:13:02,143 --> 00:13:04,811
This won't make any sense to
you, but you're in the lead.
288
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:08,781
Oh, and before I forget.
289
00:13:08,849 --> 00:13:12,552
I'm having a little birthday get-together
Saturday at the Merry Peasant.
290
00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:15,388
Charlie, you have to come.
291
00:13:15,455 --> 00:13:17,489
Leslie set up a whole karaoke night
292
00:13:17,557 --> 00:13:20,192
because he knows I love it.
293
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:22,294
Yes, that's right, Charlie.
294
00:13:22,362 --> 00:13:25,197
I actually listened when she talked.
295
00:13:25,265 --> 00:13:28,267
I'm a listener.
296
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,169
She paid you to listen.
297
00:13:30,236 --> 00:13:33,272
Well, sometimes I listened for free.
298
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:36,309
- Right, Hope.
- Oh, you psycho...
299
00:13:36,377 --> 00:13:37,944
pharmacologist.
300
00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:46,018
Oh, Leslie, which is
sometimes a man's name.
301
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:51,690
Here we go. One copy of "Eat Pray Love."
302
00:13:51,758 --> 00:13:54,426
Took five years, but it
finally got us back together.
303
00:13:54,493 --> 00:13:57,962
How ironic. I'm the one who
actually gave her this book.
304
00:13:58,030 --> 00:13:59,830
It's quite a read.
305
00:13:59,898 --> 00:14:01,432
The eating, the praying...
306
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,134
all of it.
307
00:14:03,201 --> 00:14:05,770
Must have meant a lot to her
'cause she left it here.
308
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,074
So are all of your ex-therapists
309
00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,143
coming to this karaoke thing?
310
00:14:12,211 --> 00:14:15,881
Of course. You guys are awesome.
311
00:14:15,949 --> 00:14:19,117
I can't believe you're all single.
312
00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:21,687
Really? You can't believe
Leslie's single?
313
00:14:21,755 --> 00:14:23,757
The hair, the face... all of it.
314
00:14:27,628 --> 00:14:30,668
All right, let's check in and see how you
guys did with your lima bean plants.
315
00:14:30,697 --> 00:14:32,898
- Wayne, where's yours?
- I killed it.
316
00:14:32,966 --> 00:14:35,234
Why would you do that?
317
00:14:35,301 --> 00:14:36,802
Well, it was taking too long.
318
00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:38,637
I got things to do.
319
00:14:38,705 --> 00:14:41,407
I decided to become
a manager of a boy band
320
00:14:41,475 --> 00:14:43,143
without them knowing it.
321
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,613
Well, that's... that's very ambitious,
322
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,082
but this experiment was about
learning the value of patience.
323
00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:51,819
Oh, you didn't need to give us a
bean plant to teach us patience.
324
00:14:51,886 --> 00:14:53,654
You could have just said,
"Ooh, you in jail."
325
00:14:55,557 --> 00:14:58,893
Charlie's saying how good
things come to those who wait.
326
00:15:00,462 --> 00:15:01,996
Like this guy I wanna shank.
327
00:15:02,064 --> 00:15:05,467
However, delaying it
till he's outta solitary
328
00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:08,102
will make it all the more gratifying,
329
00:15:08,170 --> 00:15:10,305
shankwise.
330
00:15:10,373 --> 00:15:12,440
Really close, Donovan, really close.
331
00:15:12,508 --> 00:15:15,109
But I think you're confusing
delayed gratification
332
00:15:15,177 --> 00:15:16,945
with lying in wait.
333
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:19,814
Besides, you're not killing anybody.
We're sticking to the plan.
334
00:15:19,882 --> 00:15:22,817
We serve our time, we get out,
and we open our antique shop...
335
00:15:22,885 --> 00:15:26,088
Both: ...in Akron.
336
00:15:26,156 --> 00:15:28,190
What... what Cleo just said
337
00:15:28,258 --> 00:15:30,760
is a great example
of delayed gratification.
338
00:15:30,827 --> 00:15:32,662
I can't delay my gratification.
339
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:34,931
Our showers aren't that long.
340
00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:38,267
I'm talking about relationships.
341
00:15:38,335 --> 00:15:40,403
As a matter of fact,
I'm dealing with my own
342
00:15:40,471 --> 00:15:42,338
delayed gratification issues.
343
00:15:42,406 --> 00:15:43,773
I knew it.
344
00:15:43,841 --> 00:15:45,775
There's some hot piece you wanna tap,
345
00:15:45,843 --> 00:15:47,877
but you gotta wait for it.
346
00:15:49,413 --> 00:15:50,980
You know, Ernesto...
347
00:15:51,048 --> 00:15:52,615
yes.
348
00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:56,953
Well, if you want it,
don't wait too long.
349
00:15:57,021 --> 00:15:59,489
Somebody else is gonna bone it
350
00:15:59,557 --> 00:16:01,825
and own it.
351
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:05,429
Actually, I'm more worried that
someone's gonna rent it and dent it.
352
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:08,732
But I gotta do something. I just
don't wanna hurt my career.
353
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,935
Charlie, love is more
important than any career.
354
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:15,071
And I say that as a successful
manager of boy bands.
355
00:16:17,407 --> 00:16:20,442
Now, in all my years of home
invasion, no one ever said to me,
356
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:23,445
"Please, don't shoot me, mister.
I got work tomorrow."
357
00:16:23,513 --> 00:16:25,714
It's always, "I got a wife and kids."
358
00:16:25,782 --> 00:16:28,017
Makes you reassess
what's important in life.
359
00:16:29,753 --> 00:16:31,721
Words of wisdom, Wayne.
360
00:16:31,788 --> 00:16:35,558
Terrifying, disturbing,
unmedicated words of wisdom.
361
00:16:39,816 --> 00:16:42,084
- Hey, Tom, Leslie.
- Hey.
362
00:16:42,151 --> 00:16:43,585
You guys ready to karaoke?
363
00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:46,021
By the way, "The Girl is Mine," is mine.
364
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:49,158
Dr. Rita Freudenberger, MD,
365
00:16:49,226 --> 00:16:51,927
- PhD.
- Oh, for the love of God.
366
00:16:51,995 --> 00:16:54,797
I was Hope's feminist therapist.
367
00:16:54,864 --> 00:16:57,733
My practice combines
traditional talk therapy
368
00:16:57,801 --> 00:17:00,870
with a radical methodological
approach to psychology
369
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:04,373
that questions patriarchal assumptions.
370
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,542
I want her so much.
371
00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,410
I have a proposal.
372
00:17:08,478 --> 00:17:11,380
As psychologists, we're all
familiar with Platt's concept
373
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,782
of the social trap where
individuals acting selfishly
374
00:17:13,850 --> 00:17:16,719
harm the group as a whole, so I
suggest we suspend our campaigns
375
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:18,988
just for tonight and celebrate
Hope's birthday with dignity.
376
00:17:19,056 --> 00:17:21,524
- Fine.
- Fine.
377
00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:23,893
I'm too drunk to get it up anyway.
378
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,795
That's the kind of dignity
I'm looking for.
379
00:17:25,863 --> 00:17:28,231
First round's on me.
380
00:17:28,299 --> 00:17:31,501
Can we get a pitcher
of margaritas, please?
381
00:17:31,568 --> 00:17:33,937
Did you get the flowers
and the plane tickets to Maui?
382
00:17:34,004 --> 00:17:36,606
I gotta say, I'm impressed, Charlie.
383
00:17:36,674 --> 00:17:38,341
This is a pretty bold move.
384
00:17:38,409 --> 00:17:40,443
Throwing a Hail Mary here, Brett.
385
00:17:40,511 --> 00:17:42,579
I'm breaking all the rules, but
if I don't seal the deal tonight,
386
00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,382
she could wind up
with one of these bozos.
387
00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:47,217
You know, I think this is
the most romantic thing
388
00:17:47,285 --> 00:17:49,219
that's ever happened in this bar.
389
00:17:49,287 --> 00:17:52,489
Except for things that
have happened on this bar.
390
00:17:52,557 --> 00:17:53,924
I wouldn't tell the health inspector.
391
00:17:53,992 --> 00:17:55,926
It was with the health inspector.
392
00:17:55,994 --> 00:17:58,195
How do you think we got a "B"?
393
00:17:58,263 --> 00:18:00,130
Thanks.
394
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:04,602
Here we go, everybody.
395
00:18:07,139 --> 00:18:09,607
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, the birthday girl's here.
396
00:18:09,675 --> 00:18:11,842
- I'd like to propose a toast.
- I'm sorry, Charlie,
397
00:18:11,910 --> 00:18:13,878
but something really
important just happened
398
00:18:13,946 --> 00:18:16,013
- that I have to tell you all about.
- Okay, okay.
399
00:18:16,081 --> 00:18:17,748
Just remember, after you tell us,
400
00:18:17,816 --> 00:18:19,985
it's birthday toast
and the spanking machine.
401
00:18:21,721 --> 00:18:25,591
Charlie, I've been
seeing a hypnotherapist.
402
00:18:25,658 --> 00:18:28,528
- Another therapist?
- Yes.
403
00:18:28,595 --> 00:18:30,496
And right before I came here,
404
00:18:30,564 --> 00:18:34,834
he helped me recover a traumatic memory.
405
00:18:34,902 --> 00:18:37,070
I discovered that
406
00:18:37,138 --> 00:18:40,240
my former hypnotherapist
groped me while I was under.
407
00:18:40,308 --> 00:18:42,376
Now, I know it is going to take years
408
00:18:42,444 --> 00:18:44,644
for me to work through this,
409
00:18:44,712 --> 00:18:48,548
but I'm so glad that tonight
410
00:18:48,616 --> 00:18:51,251
I am with the four people
411
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,487
who make me feel truly safe
412
00:18:53,554 --> 00:18:55,722
and who I know
413
00:18:55,790 --> 00:18:58,458
would never take advantage of me.
414
00:19:00,261 --> 00:19:01,728
I'm sorry. I need a moment.
415
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:08,468
(laughs) Yikes.
416
00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:13,507
I guess we better cancel
the spanking machine.
417
00:19:15,610 --> 00:19:17,444
I'm out of here.
418
00:19:21,216 --> 00:19:22,983
Look, I don't wanna seem
insensitive here,
419
00:19:23,051 --> 00:19:26,520
but was that a "I'm never
gonna have sex again grope"
420
00:19:26,587 --> 00:19:29,289
or "I'm not gonna have sex
for six months grope"?
421
00:19:29,357 --> 00:19:32,259
Are you kidding me?
What is wrong with you people?
422
00:19:32,327 --> 00:19:34,361
I'm just saying as a phobia therapist,
423
00:19:34,429 --> 00:19:36,463
I think I still have a shot with her.
424
00:19:36,531 --> 00:19:38,264
I did get her to hold a snake.
425
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,169
You're a disgrace. You're all disgraces.
426
00:19:43,237 --> 00:19:44,693
We need to figure out a
way to help this woman.
427
00:19:44,706 --> 00:19:46,173
You're right.
428
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,975
I think she needs another
woman to go talk to her.
429
00:19:49,043 --> 00:19:51,578
Don't let the door hit you in
the penises on the way out.
430
00:19:51,646 --> 00:19:53,747
No, no, no, no, no.
431
00:19:53,815 --> 00:19:56,349
We're gonna stay here, we're
gonna make her feel safe,
432
00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,385
and we're gonna try and salvage
what's left of her birthday.
433
00:19:58,453 --> 00:19:59,920
And you know how?
434
00:19:59,987 --> 00:20:02,389
We're all gonna pitch
in to buy her some flowers
435
00:20:02,456 --> 00:20:05,192
and send her on a nice vacation to Maui.
436
00:20:05,260 --> 00:20:07,501
I'll put it on my card if you
guys just give me the cash.
437
00:20:09,298 --> 00:20:12,501
- Oh, my God. That poor girl.
- I know. It's horrible.
438
00:20:12,568 --> 00:20:14,369
Well, at least she got
a free trip to Maui
439
00:20:14,437 --> 00:20:17,206
that no one else pitched in on.
440
00:20:17,273 --> 00:20:19,942
I still don't understand why you
took this whole thing so far.
441
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,679
I was frustrated. I thought I
found someone who knew me.
442
00:20:22,746 --> 00:20:24,047
That I could have a future with.
443
00:20:24,114 --> 00:20:25,448
You don't find that every day.
444
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:28,384
Oh, so it was about me.
445
00:20:28,452 --> 00:20:31,087
No, it wasn't.
446
00:20:31,155 --> 00:20:33,989
Okay. Come here and I'll
give you a therapeutic hug.
447
00:20:34,057 --> 00:20:37,393
I don't want one of your
cold, machine-like hugs.
448
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:39,895
I want somebody who
knows me, who likes me,
449
00:20:39,962 --> 00:20:41,696
who's ready to make a commitment.
450
00:20:41,764 --> 00:20:44,999
Well, Charlie.
I know you and I like you.
451
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:47,167
And?
452
00:20:47,235 --> 00:20:49,269
And I'm willing to be your friend
453
00:20:49,336 --> 00:20:52,705
and have sex with you until
you find this mystery woman.
454
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:56,041
Thanks.
455
00:20:56,109 --> 00:20:58,810
However long it takes.
Okay, time's up. Leave.
456
00:20:58,878 --> 00:21:00,838
Wait a minute, You just
said however long it takes.
457
00:21:00,846 --> 00:21:03,380
- It could take forever.
- We're done for today.
458
00:21:03,448 --> 00:21:05,815
I have another client. Look in the
lobby, maybe your mystery girl's there.
459
00:21:05,883 --> 00:21:08,517
Go, run!
460
00:21:08,585 --> 00:21:10,385
- (sighs)
- (Knocks on door)
461
00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,821
What if I've already met
my mystery girl?
462
00:21:12,888 --> 00:21:15,089
You haven't.
463
00:21:15,114 --> 00:21:20,114
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