So, Ed, when did the fight with your wife start?
1972.
No, no. I meant the fight that caused all of that.
Oh, yesterday.
She used my razor on her Sasquatch legs again.
It gets the blade all catawampus
and it cuts my face.
What the hell is catawampus?
My mom's boobs.
That's why you should never use Groupon to find a plastic surgeon.
Anyway, we got in this big old fight
and then she said she wanted to leave me and then we got drunk
and then we had makeup sex
in my neighbor's rosebushes.
And that's how all this happened.
Well, shame on me for asking.
But the positive part of Ed's story
is that when you know your partner well enough,
you can resolve things and not go to bed angry.
I fight so dirty, I've never actually had makeup sex.
It usually violates the restraining order.
I love makeup sex.
Especially with Katy Perry.
I make up sex with her all the time.
I'm so lonely.
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, Charlie.
I know I'm early for our, uh,
research paper discussion.
I'll go grab a cup of coffee.
- As you were. - No problem, Dr. Wales.
You may find this kind of interesting.
We were just saying that a history with someone,
say a long-term friendship, is a key factor
to having a successful romantic relationship.
If that's what you're looking for.
Oh, I'm sorry. No one asked for my opinion.
Sorry, I was only talking about
what emotionally healthy people might want,
which is a committed relationship.
Excuse me.
Emotionally-healthy people also value their independence
and, as any evolutionary biologist would tell you,
monogamy is completely unsustainable.
Oh, yeah? What about the swans?
Or the Malagasy giant rat?
Have you ever seen those rats?
They don't have a lot of choices.
Yeah, but the swans are smoking hot.
They can get all the swan tail they want, but they don't.
Great session, everybody.
Don't read anything into this.
- I thought we were making progress. - Progress with what?
With our nonemotional,
anticommitment, purely sexual relationship.
And that progress would be?
I thought we were now in a quasi-emotional,
commitment-neutral, mostly sexual relationship.
Maybe we are, but you don't have to rub my nose in it in front of your group.
They didn't know what we were talking about.
It doesn't matter.
We did and I am not moving any further than that.
A relationship is like a shark.
If you get too close, it will kill you.
You know, I think something really bad happened to you
when you were a kid.
And then as an adult.
And then right before you walked in this kitchen.
Yeah, sure.
- Charlie? - Hope?
- Uh-huh. Hi. - Wow.
- How long has it been since therapy? - Almost five years.
Oh, you look great. You look happy.
Are you still, you know, dancing?
You can say it. Stripping.
- And, no. - That's great. That's great.
You really turned things around when you stopped being an angry stripper.
Oh, yeah. I made way more money as a happy stripper.
Cool. A novelty act.
And then I quit and used the money
to open a chain of tattoo-removal shops
called Tramps Without Stamps.
Well, you are definitely climbing the pole of success.
- Uh-huh. - Please.
I'm... I'm so sorry that we didn't keep in touch after therapy.
Yeah, well, I didn't know if it was cool.
I mean, you make a connection with your therapist
and you don't know if it's real
or it's because you're slipping
200 bucks a session into their G-string.
No, no. What we had was real.
I remember that one time we bumped into each other in that bar.
I wouldn't have sat there telling you about my divorce
till 3:00 in the morning if we didn't have some kind of connection.
Yeah.
So, you still single?
So I've been told repeatedly.
Well, I have a confession.
I left my copy of "Eat Pray Love" at your house
after my last session and I always sort of hoped
you'd find it and give me a call.
I should have known that was yours from the bookmark.
It was a crumpled 20 covered with glitter.
You know, I haven't been in a strip club for two years
and I still find glitter in the weirdest places.
That is so funny. So do I.
You know, I really have to get going,
but I would love to get together and catch up more.
- How about Wednesday? - You got it.
Oh, before you go.
I'm doing a little survey. Finish this sentence for me.
A relationship is like a shark because...
Because they're both awesome in Hawaii.
(chuckles)
How about Tuesday?
(theme music playing)
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I know this sounds crazy, but I had a huge crush
on Hope when she was in my therapy group.
But I was a complete professional and I put those feelings aside.
I don't think it's crazy.
It's a plot from a bad porno, but not crazy.
I think I might have a future with her.
There's the crazy part. I knew you'd get there.
You do realize that the American Psychological.
Association has a guideline that you have to wait
at least five years before you date an ex-patient?
I checked my notes. It's been four years, six months, and seven days.
Did you check your notes or were you checking the marks
you scratched on the wall with a nail?
But this five-year thing...
I mean, there's some wiggle room there, don't you think?
Like the expiration date on milk.
If you don't follow the guidelines, you could have your license taken away.
So I'll be friends with Hope for six months, then everything's fine.
Oh, please.
You'll chug that expired milk straight from the carton.
You can't be friends with a woman without sleeping with her.
Hey, you and I were friends for eight years before we started chugging.
Because I had self-control and you had a wife.
Okay, therapy session time-out.
- You're my friend, right? - Yes, I am your friend.
Thank you, Siri.
And you want me to be happy, right?
Within reason.
And you don't want any type of committed relationship.
Nope.
Well, then why shouldn't I take a shot at Hope?
- We have history. - Because you're an idiot. Time-in.
As your therapist, I'm concerned about your career.
When's the next time you're gonna see Hope?
Tomorrow. Time-out.
We're going to trivia night at the Merry Peasant.
You could've said that within the context of the session.
I got confused.
All right, slugger. How about I grab a date, swing by,
and make sure everything stays aboveboard?
Sounds good.
So my therapist, who I'm secretly having sex with,
is bringing a clueless date to meet my former patient
who doesn't know that I'm secretly attracted to her.
Yup, everything's aboveboard.
I must warn you, I am pretty good at bar trivia.
Especially sports and entertainment.
Well, I am great on geography.
I stripped my way across six continents.
Wow, you're like a hot "Dora the Explorer."
Gracias, Carlos.
You know, I've been wondering
what happens when someone becomes an ex-patient?
Is there some sort of grace period
before you're allowed to hit it?
You mean some relationship purgatory
where the therapist is stuck waiting and waiting...
just counting the days to pounce?
That is unsavory.
- Kate, hi. - Charlie, hi.
Hi. I'm Kate Wales. This is Tom.
- Oh, my God. - Oh.
Well, you two know each other.
Yes. Oh, this is so weird.
Tom was my therapist, too.
Yeah, but that was almost five years ago.
You know, you look incredible.
As does Kate. Your date.
No, no. This is sweet.
Hope's obviously excited to see her
second therapist.
Charlie was my anger therapist
at the same time I was seeing Tom for my phobias.
But I never thought you guys would meet.
Yeah, the phobia guys are a little scared of the anger guys.
And between you and me, that really pisses us off.
It's a little embarrassing having two people
at the same table who know all my secrets.
I feel kind of naked.
Oh, no. There's no shame in being vulnerable.
Or naked.
Or inappropriate, apparently.
Well, I'm gonna run to the ladies' room before the game starts.
- Be right back. - Okay.
Really?
So, Tom.
When was the last time you saw Hope professionally?
Oh, geez. Four years, eight months ago.
I never thought I'd see her again and then here she is.
Four months before the deadline.
Oh, this is fate.
Someone up there wants me to bag it and tag it.
- What did you just say? - Oh, please.
I knew this night would be a disaster when you opened the door
with that sour expression and the wool turtleneck.
So you're actually counting down the days
until you can prey on the affections of a former patient?
- I should call the ethics board on you. - Oh, and say what?
I'm guilty of nothing except having a heart and a soul.
I'll hide my intentions until it's appropriate to tell her.
About two months before you do.
- Excuse me? - That... that is a mouth full of voodoo.
I will play trivia with you, sir,
but you are a friend to no one at this table.
Hey, Charlie. Sam left her flash drive here.
We'll be out in a second.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Why are you lighting candles in the house?
It's aromatherapy, Sam. It helps me relax.
It's an open flame with only wax to keep it
from setting fire to everything in the house.
Yeah, it's a candle.
What do you think people did before electricity?
Died in fires.
Okay, so who is she?
Her name is Hope. She's an ex-patient.
She's coming by to pick up a book and this is the first chance
I've had to be alone with her.
You're allowed to date your ex-patients? That's creepy.
Well, it's only creepy for the first five years.
In about six months it gets upgraded to awesome.
You better be careful, Charlie.
You don't wanna jeopardize your job.
I won't. She's just coming by to pick up a book.
What's with the candles?
Hey, Abraham Lincoln lit candles
and he didn't bang everybody that walked into his cabin.
I'm serious. I've been there.
When I was a teenager,
I lost a job for "fraternizing" at work.
We weren't even fraternizing-fraternizing.
We were just dry fraternizing.
- You ready to go, Sam? - Yeah.
(doorbell rings)
I just wanna get one last look before it's gone.
We used to put the Christmas tree right over there.
Sam, please.
They're just candles. Your dad will put them out.
Don't forget to put them out. Text me when they're out.
Hey, Hope.
Hey, hope you're not staying.
- Charlie, this is my friend. - Dr. Leslie Moore.
I used to be Hope's psychiatrist. Good to meet you.
Psychiatrist?
You didn't mention you had another shrink
other than the other shrink you didn't mention.
Oh, I didn't do therapy with Hope, per se.
I was her psychopharmacologist.
I prescribed her medication.
I know what a psychopharmacologist is.
We bumped into each other
about a month ago at the gym.
I hope you don't mind, but he insisted on coming to meet you.
Big baseball fan.
- I'm gonna go get some glasses, okay? - Okay.
Uh, please.
- So you're a big baseball fan, huh? - Yeah, love baseball.
Second base, the gloves... all of it.
I bet you love it when the catcher
blocks home plate so the other guy can't score.
I just enjoy the competition.
I see.
So how long have you been Hope's glorified drug dealer?
I'm partially joking, of course.
Well, I haven't written Hope a prescription
in almost five years.
How long would you say it is exactly?
Well, let's see.
November was Zoloft. 30 days hath Celexa,
all the rest have 31... four years and 11 months.
This won't make any sense to you, but you're in the lead.
Oh, and before I forget.
I'm having a little birthday get-together Saturday at the Merry Peasant.
Charlie, you have to come.
Leslie set up a whole karaoke night
because he knows I love it.
Yes, that's right, Charlie.
I actually listened when she talked.
I'm a listener.
She paid you to listen.
Well, sometimes I listened for free.
- Right, Hope. - Oh, you psycho...
pharmacologist.
Oh, Leslie, which is sometimes a man's name.
Here we go. One copy of "Eat Pray Love."
Took five years, but it finally got us back together.
How ironic. I'm the one who actually gave her this book.
It's quite a read.
The eating, the praying...
all of it.
Must have meant a lot to her 'cause she left it here.
So are all of your ex-therapists
coming to this karaoke thing?
Of course. You guys are awesome.
I can't believe you're all single.
Really? You can't believe Leslie's single?
The hair, the face... all of it.
All right, let's check in and see how you guys did with your lima bean plants.
- Wayne, where's yours? - I killed it.
Why would you do that?
Well, it was taking too long.
I got things to do.
I decided to become a manager of a boy band
without them knowing it.
Well, that's... that's very ambitious,
but this experiment was about learning the value of patience.
Oh, you didn't need to give us a bean plant to teach us patience.
You could have just said, "Ooh, you in jail."
Charlie's saying how good things come to those who wait.
Like this guy I wanna shank.
However, delaying it till he's outta solitary
will make it all the more gratifying,
shankwise.
Really close, Donovan, really close.
But I think you're confusing delayed gratification
with lying in wait.
Besides, you're not killing anybody. We're sticking to the plan.
We serve our time, we get out, and we open our antique shop...
Both: ...in Akron.
What... what Cleo just said
is a great example of delayed gratification.
I can't delay my gratification.
Our showers aren't that long.
I'm talking about relationships.
As a matter of fact, I'm dealing with my own
delayed gratification issues.
I knew it.
There's some hot piece you wanna tap,
but you gotta wait for it.
You know, Ernesto...
yes.
Well, if you want it, don't wait too long.
Somebody else is gonna bone it
and own it.
Actually, I'm more worried that someone's gonna rent it and dent it.
But I gotta do something. I just don't wanna hurt my career.
Charlie, love is more important than any career.
And I say that as a successful manager of boy bands.
Now, in all my years of home invasion, no one ever said to me,
"Please, don't shoot me, mister. I got work tomorrow."
It's always, "I got a wife and kids."
Makes you reassess what's important in life.
Words of wisdom, Wayne.
Terrifying, disturbing, unmedicated words of wisdom.
- Hey, Tom, Leslie. - Hey.
You guys ready to karaoke?
By the way, "The Girl is Mine," is mine.
Dr. Rita Freudenberger, MD,
- PhD. - Oh, for the love of God.
I was Hope's feminist therapist.
My practice combines traditional talk therapy
with a radical methodological approach to psychology
that questions patriarchal assumptions.
I want her so much.
I have a proposal.
As psychologists, we're all familiar with Platt's concept
of the social trap where individuals acting selfishly
harm the group as a whole, so I suggest we suspend our campaigns
just for tonight and celebrate Hope's birthday with dignity.
- Fine. - Fine.
I'm too drunk to get it up anyway.
That's the kind of dignity I'm looking for.
First round's on me.
Can we get a pitcher of margaritas, please?
Did you get the flowers and the plane tickets to Maui?
I gotta say, I'm impressed, Charlie.
This is a pretty bold move.
Throwing a Hail Mary here, Brett.
I'm breaking all the rules, but if I don't seal the deal tonight,
she could wind up with one of these bozos.
You know, I think this is the most romantic thing
that's ever happened in this bar.
Except for things that have happened on this bar.
I wouldn't tell the health inspector.
It was with the health inspector.
How do you think we got a "B"?
Thanks.
Here we go, everybody.
- Hi, everybody. - Hey, the birthday girl's here.
- I'd like to propose a toast. - I'm sorry, Charlie,
but something really important just happened
- that I have to tell you all about. - Okay, okay.
Just remember, after you tell us,
it's birthday toast and the spanking machine.
Charlie, I've been seeing a hypnotherapist.
- Another therapist? - Yes.
And right before I came here,
he helped me recover a traumatic memory.
I discovered that
my former hypnotherapist groped me while I was under.
Now, I know it is going to take years
for me to work through this,
but I'm so glad that tonight
I am with the four people
who make me feel truly safe
and who I know
would never take advantage of me.
I'm sorry. I need a moment.
(laughs) Yikes.
I guess we better cancel the spanking machine.
I'm out of here.
Look, I don't wanna seem insensitive here,
but was that a "I'm never gonna have sex again grope"
or "I'm not gonna have sex for six months grope"?
Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you people?
I'm just saying as a phobia therapist,
I think I still have a shot with her.
I did get her to hold a snake.
You're a disgrace. You're all disgraces.
We need to figure out a way to help this woman.
You're right.
I think she needs another woman to go talk to her.
Don't let the door hit you in the penises on the way out.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna stay here, we're gonna make her feel safe,
and we're gonna try and salvage what's left of her birthday.
And you know how?
We're all gonna pitch in to buy her some flowers
and send her on a nice vacation to Maui.
I'll put it on my card if you guys just give me the cash.
- Oh, my God. That poor girl. - I know. It's horrible.
Well, at least she got a free trip to Maui
that no one else pitched in on.
I still don't understand why you took this whole thing so far.
I was frustrated. I thought I found someone who knew me.
That I could have a future with.
You don't find that every day.
Oh, so it was about me.
No, it wasn't.
Okay. Come here and I'll give you a therapeutic hug.
I don't want one of your cold, machine-like hugs.
I want somebody who knows me, who likes me,
who's ready to make a commitment.
Well, Charlie. I know you and I like you.
And?
And I'm willing to be your friend
and have sex with you until you find this mystery woman.
Thanks.
However long it takes. Okay, time's up. Leave.
Wait a minute, You just said however long it takes.
- It could take forever. - We're done for today.
I have another client. Look in the lobby, maybe your mystery girl's there.
Go, run!
- (sighs) - (Knocks on door)
What if I've already met my mystery girl?
You haven't.
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