Is Sam still out with your dad?
It's been almost six hours.
Maybe he took her to the mall again.
I mean, for a guy his age, that's like three hours
to find a parking spot and three more hours to back out.
Actually, I think he was taking her to Long Beach
to see the cargo ships come in.
Oh, well, then she's probably just waiting for the adrenaline to wear off.
He's monopolizing all her time.
It's not fair to Sam. She's not me.
I'm good at making up excuses and I'm running out.
I mean, how many quinceañeras can one white lady go to?
I thought you guys loved hanging out with my dad.
No, we do it because his wife kicked him out and he's lonely.
But we can only take so much.
I mean, you've got to do something about it.
What am I supposed to do?
I grew up with the guy. I did my time.
Well, Sam's 15.
She should be up in her room hating us,
listening to some super sincere neo-folk bearded jug band BS.
What happened to metal, Charlie?
What a day. What a day.
Hey, you're back.
- Did you see the ships? - We saw the ships.
We visited a cemetery for war veterans.
We read a terrific brochure about California's largest flag.
And what was the best part, Sam?
Hard to beat the cemetery.
No, the best part is we're going out again tonight.
I'm taking Sam to a little Italian restaurant
I discovered where all the waiters sing Bobby Darin songs.
"Splish Splash." You want to go with us, Jen?
Tonight? Oh, I can't.
I got my online banjo lessons.
You should play for us sometime.
All right, I'm gonna go home for a nap,
and then I'll be back to pick you up at 6:30 sharp.
Be there or be square.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Oh.
Sam, you know you don't have to go out with Grandpa again tonight.
Or ever, really.
But he's my grandpa. I mean, who knows how much time he has left?
I know. The suspense is killing me.
Okay, we still have a few minutes left. Anybody have anything?
Well, if I'm being totally honest,
I'm a little worried I've been smoking too much pot lately.
Nolan, if I'm being totally honest,
you just said the exact same thing 10 minutes ago.
Anybody else?
Okay, there's this douchebag who tormented me in high school
and, according to my schedule at work,
he's coming in for a fashion consultation.
It may not even be the same guy.
Could be some random non-douchebag with the same name.
He's a Mexican Jew and his name is Gonzalo Rosenblatt.
You were saying?
Give me five minutes and I'll show you
how to sever his Achilles tendon
with a credit card and a ballpoint pen.
Ed, I am already here because of an incident at work.
If he starts in, I'm gonna lose it.
And if that happens again, I'm out of a job.
You're just being dramatic, Patrick.
You were probably an insignificant bug to this guy.
I bet he doesn't even remember you from high school.
I bet nobody remembers you from high school.
Thank you, Lacey.
You can now get back to the top of your slutty Christmas tree.
I think what Lacey is trying to say is...
no, even I can't save that one.
Lacey, you just bought yourself a job
as Patrick's anger buddy.
I want you there for him when this guy comes in the store.
- What does it pay? - It doesn't pay anything.
You're there to support Patrick.
Oh, what does that pay?
Tell you what, you see a pair of shoes you like,
- I will look the other way. - I'm there.
Patrick, that's not gonna happen.
Come on, I was obviously kidding.
I saw that.
Ed, you were gonna find a hobby as a way
to bring some joy back in your life. Any luck with that?
Well, I was looking for a choir group
like I was in in Texas, but the wife wouldn't have it.
You sing?
Like a goddamn angel.
I sing.
Not out loud, obviously.
Ed, what kind of stuff did you sing?
Well, it was a heritage choir. We sang folk songs.
You know, things like "That Old Cotton Field Back Home"
and "Big Old Shiny Smile."
Ed, those songs sound horribly racist and offensive.
Oh, no. It's real Americana.
♪ Old Jim Dandy dancing in the streets ♪
♪ Folks come from miles around ♪
♪ To see his dancing feets. ♪
Oh.
Ed, if you enjoyed the choir so much,
why'd your wife make you quit?
She said it takes up all my time.
Really? All your time?
She says she hardly ever sees me.
- Even on the weekends? - Especially on the weekends.
This is perfect.
That's okay. I've already got another hobby.
I've been building ships in a bottle.
Slave ships in a bottle?
No.
Oh.
Give it up, Charlie. I am not a men's choir kind of guy.
These are all guys your age, Dad.
They're all retired professionals and they're funny.
Who else would name themselves The Artificial Hipsters?
Nah.
Besides, it would take up a lot of the time I normally spend with Sam.
All the more reason to join the choir.
Give Sam a little push out of the nest like a baby bird.
I know it's not going to be easy.
She was really looking forward to that tour of the oatmeal factory.
Two tons of cinnamon per day.
Well, well. Martin and Charlie Goodson.
I can never remember which is the father and which is the son.
Brett, you'd be a good judge of this.
Do you think guys in singing groups are losers?
Hell, no.
Charlie, every woman knows a guy who can keep a beat onstage
can keep a beat in bed or a van
or the first aid station at Burning Man.
Let me see that flyer again, Charlie.
You're gonna love it, Dad.
And just how did you wind up at Burning Man?
Well, I took three Ambien at a fireworks show in Bakersfield
and to this day I have not been able to connect the dots.
Are you sure they're gone?
I don't want to bust in on your dad's choir practice.
I know. If they saw you in that outfit, they'd die.
Of course, if they miss the damn baby aspirin, they'd die.
So why didn't they just rehearse at your dad's place?
His apartment's tiny, so I told him as long as he keeps the place neat...
Oh, well, I was hoping we could make it a little dirtier.
- Oh, my God. - Damn right.
And that's just one hand.
No, Charlie, look.
I'm gonna kill him.
He might be dead already.
(Snores)
Oh, good. I'm gonna kill him.
(Theme music playing)
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I'd dip his hand in warm water, but that's my couch.
Oh, just let him sleep. He looks so peaceful.
That's what makes this so much fun.
- Dad! - Oh!
Oh.
Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going?
What the hell happened here?
I guess the choir practice got a little out of hand.
A little? How much drinking went on?
I don't know. It doesn't take much.
They're all on prescription meds.
Ooh, looks like somebody had a lady over.
Ooh, yes, that would be Sal. He's got a hernia.
You know, at your age, I thought I could trust you to be responsible.
Oh, I was just trying to be one of the guys.
I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
You're right, it won't happen again
because your friends are never allowed back here.
Were you guys smoking pot?
That was Morten. He's got glaucoma.
Uh-huh.
What about Sal?
He's got anxiety.
What about you?
I thought about having anxiety, but then I chickened out.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
I'm worried about my dad, Jen.
I think he might have fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Cut him some slack.
You know, he's not bothering Sam anymore.
He's making friends.
And you know how stubborn he is.
If you come down too hard on him, he's gonna end up rebelling.
Yeah, you're right. Maybe I'm overreacting.
But I do kind of want to be the cool son
that "gets it," you know?
(Phone rings)
Hello?
What?
Charlie, it's your daddy. You need to come pick him up.
He and the rest of the Gray Men's Choir
are chasing away all my customers with their singing.
Apparently they like to go swimming with bowlegged women.
Sea shanties? Are they drunk?
They might be a bit overserved.
Well, that's because you overserved them.
Don't worry, I took your daddy's car keys
and I put them where I put all drunks' keys.
They're in my bra.
Okay, I'll be right down.
Well, hurry up. It's a busy night
and every time I circle the bar, I sound like a team of reindeer.
Hope you're happy, Jen.
My dad's friends got him kicked out of a bar.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Yeah, you can go down there
and drag my stupid, drunken dad home.
I'd love to, Charlie, but I'm in no condition to drive.
(Turns on radio, music playing)
(turns radio off)
I can't even listen to my music?
That's not music. That's noise.
Do you think I like coming to get you in the middle of the night?
Fine, then don't do it.
You really embarrassed me in front of the guys.
You're drunk and I embarrassed you?
They were playing quarters and Stan said if I didn't play,
there weren't enough guys for a game.
If Stan told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Yes.
He was a structural engineer.
If he tells me to jump, I have to assume
there's something wrong with the bridge's integrity.
Well, I guess you have an answer for everything.
Dad, I understand peer pressure, but you're not a kid anymore.
You can't run around like one. You understand?
Whatever.
Jerk.
- What did you say? - Nothing.
All right, Gonzalo just walked in.
Now, remember, you're my assistant, okay?
Yeah, no, look at me. I'm obviously your manager.
Yeah, no, you're my assistant.
- Uh, yeah, no. - Uh, yeah, no.
Hi. You must be Mr. Rosenblatt.
I'm Patrick. This is Lacey, my assistant.
Manager. So nice to meet you.
Well, it's good to meet the both of...
Hang on. Don't I know you?
Oh, no. I have a familiar face.
- Shall we start with jackets? - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
From Riverside High.
Remember the homecoming game?
We rolled you down the bleachers in a trash can
and you spilled out at the 50-yard line in front of the whole school.
Nah, it doesn't ring a bell.
It's 50% silk, so it lays beautifully.
We called you... Patty.
(laughs) You know why?
Yeah, duh, 'cause he's gay.
What? No, 'cause he's a pasty Irish guy.
Pat. Man.
If I knew you were gay, we would have called you...
yeah, probably Patty.
All right, it's me.
And now I'm your personal stylist, so what can I do for you?
I need to get a couple of suits.
I've got some meetings with JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs.
So you must be what they call in business a businessman.
Yeah, I trade derivatives, mostly currency swaps
for institutional clients,
and I do a little merger arbitrage on the side.
Do you work out?
P90X every day.
You got a boyfriend?
I mean, I know it ain't this guy.
- (laughs) - Right?
Anyway, maybe we'll go out for drinks tonight?
Uh, yeah, we will.
Just for size, let's try these on.
Okay.
You put your digits in here.
I'll be right back.
What are you doing? You're supposed to be helping me,
not get a date to the douchebag ball.
Relax, Patty.
I'm just gonna make a date with him and then not show up.
- It'll be awesome. - Really?
You would do that for me?
Dude, I'm totally gonna blue-ball the guy.
When I get done with him, he won't be able to walk.
Oh, my God, Lacey.
You are the most evil bitch I've met in my entire life.
Thank you.
(Doorbell rings)
Hi. Can I help you?
This is a little awkward. Are you Charlie Goodson?
Well, you're both too old to be my children, so, yes, I am.
I'm Karen, this is Bob.
Bob's father Stan is in your dad's choir group
and so is my father Sal.
Ah, with the girdle.
Sure. Come on in.
So, what's going on?
It's about your dad, Charlie.
I'm afraid he's a bad influence on our fathers.
Look, I don't know what your parents are telling you,
but my dad says that your dads are the ones starting all the trouble.
Yeah, well, of course he's gonna tell you that.
He's scared you'll get mad at him.
My dad is not a ringleader.
He just wants their approval 'cause he thinks they're cool.
Let me tell you what's not cool... assuming, blaming.
'Cause you know what happens when you blame?
You... be lame.
Listen, one of these nights, one of our dads is gonna drink too much
and he's gonna wind up dead behind the wheel.
And when that happens, we're holding you responsible.
Well, then I'll see you at your dads' funerals.
I know that sounds like a threat, but it's not.
It is a common courtesy since I assume
that your family will be at my dad's as well.
Hey, Charlie.
Got your message. You wanted to see me?
Have a seat, Dad.
So what's going on?
Just had a visit from a Bob and a Karen.
Their fathers are in your choir group.
You know what they told me?
They told me that the real troublemaker here is you.
Get off my back. It's none of your beeswax.
Oh, it is my beeswax.
It is very much my beeswax, Dad.
I am responsible for you.
Oh, yeah? You know, when we go to Louie's house,
his son buys us beer and he's cool about it.
Well, I'm not Louie's son
and I don't care what Louie's son lets his father do.
- (Phone chimes) - Oh.
Will you get off your damn cell phone while I'm talking to you?
It's Stan.
He wants me to meet his sister at P.F. Chang's.
Jeez, if she looks anything like Stan...
I wonder what Louie's up to.
(Sighs)
You're not going anywhere, mister, until we're done talking.
Oh, yeah? How you gonna stop me?
I'm gonna take away your car keys.
I'd like to see you try.
What else would you like to see?
Now don't be a smart-ass.
I can still take you. Now give me the keys.
You're not going anywhere tonight.
It wouldn't kill you to not go out every once in a while.
Okay, fine. Have it your way.
I'm taking a nap.
Unless sleeping in this house is against the law, too.
When does it get easier?
Hey, Patty.
Gonzalo, hi. How was your date with Lacey?
Wait till you hear this.
Oh, no, she stood you up? That whore.
What? No.
One drink, we went back to my place and got busy.
What? That whore.
- Hey, is she here? - No, she's not.
But I plan on seeing her very, very shortly.
Awesome. Tell her Little Gonzalo says hi.
She'll know what that means.
I'm sure she will.
- Little Gonzalo is... - Is your penis. I got it.
You had sex with him?
Yeah, it was awesome. You owe me.
I owe you for having awesome sex
with the guy who was terrible to me?
Hey, having crazy sex with him was just part of a bigger plan.
I totally have your back, okay?
Actually, I think Gonzalo had your back.
I'm just guessing.
Okay, here's the plan.
I keep going out with him, get him totally hooked on me.
And then in, like, 10 years
when we have a boy and a girl and an Escalade,
I'll totally leave him and take all his money.
You know what? You deserve each other.
You're both selfish, insensitive narcissists.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
I was distracted by something amazing.
I should have known better than to think I could count on you.
Hey, Patrick.
What?
If it makes you feel any better, he's got some ugly-ass feet.
- Really? - Yeah.
His big toe looks like a baby bird's head.
I'll take it.
Nobody tells you how to parent your parents.
Yeah, it's tough, man.
It's a very difficult age.
They've got no children to worry about.
They've got no jobs. They can get pills from all their friends.
You can't trust them.
Ever since my parents retired,
all they seem to want to do is gamble my money away.
Stop giving them money.
Oh, it's still their money.
It's just that once they're dead, it was gonna be mine.
(Car engine starts)
Where's your dad now?
In the other room watching "Judge Judy."
Well, in that case, the ght of Jack Kennedy is stealing your car.
You're kidding me.
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
You'd actually send your dad to jail, Charlie?
Hey, he likes oatmeal and the toilet's right next to the bed.
He'll love it.
Still not picking up his phone.
Will you relax, Jen? You're starting to make me nervous.
No, I can't relax, not when your father
is out there doing God knows what.
Oh, so when he misbehaves, he's my father?
Yes, Charlie.
Because he's your father.
Oh, sure, throw that in my face.
(Doorbell rings)
Good evening, folks.
This gentleman was driving a car that you reported stolen.
And he was at the airport doing five in a 15-mile-an-hour zone.
Well, at least he's safe.
Could you just tase him once before you go?
Thank you so much for bringing him home, Officer.
Well, I should get going.
Oh, my gosh, I think I parked in front of a hydrant.
There's no hydrant.
I'm going.
Dad, what the hell were you doing at the airport driving my car?
I don't know.
You do know. You drove there.
I don't want to talk about it.
You wouldn't understand anyway.
Try me.
I was gonna fly back to Cincinnati and see Corinne.
I got the divorce papers, okay?
She wants to finalize it.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Dad. That sucks.
It's bad enough that I'm all alone.
Now I get these damn papers and I lose my mind completely.
So, that explains all the drinking.
Yeah, that, and I love drinking.
Now I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Come on, Dad.
You're still a young guy.
- No, I'm not. - No, you're not.
But you're certainly a catch.
No, I'm not.
No, you're not.
Hey, you still got your health.
I do.
Maybe I'll live a long time.
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