So, I'm in Victoria Secrets, looking in all the pictures of the models, and I thought:
"What's with all the fatties?"
So I've decided I'm gonna be a lingerie model.
So you wanna become a lingerie model
just to show that you're skinnier than those women?
Uh, no. That would make me sound bitchy and shallow.
I'm doing this to get back at my mom.
There have to be other ways to deal with your mother.
For example, my ex-wife did it
by marrying a man that her mother hated.
Anyway, I've decided to get pictures taken and start a portfolio.
I already have hundreds of photos of you.
That's nice, Nolan, but she probably can't use
blurry photos of herself shot through bushes.
Actually, photography happens to be one of my hobbies.
Here, look.
I downloaded some of my photos to my phone.
Blurry through the bushes, blurry through the bushes,
and France.
Oh, wow. This is really great.
This woman in the café looks beautiful.
Well, if you think you can capture
my hotness, then you've got the job.
If we're done talking about the world's first
four-foot-tall supermodel, I'd like to talk about me, please.
Okay.
Last time we talked, we were pretty deep into some issues regarding your career.
This guy always has "quareer" issues.
Oh, I'm not proud of that. I'm gonna put $10 in.
Well, the good news is
I don't have any more career issues
because I took your advice and I quit the department store.
That's huge. You must feel so liberated.
I do. I've been liberated from my paycheck
and pretty soon I'll be liberated from living indoors.
I've never been so unhappy in my entire life.
But, Patrick, you said you were wasting
your creative talents as a personal shopper.
But that didn't mean I had to quit.
Everyone gets frustrated with their jobs.
I'm already a little bored with modeling.
I've never been out of a job in my entire life.
I have worked steadily since I was 15.
- [Car pulls up] - I hear you and I understand,
but we can't go overtime today.
Is there a moment this week that you're free to talk?
Let me check.
Um... yeah, every second.
I can work around that.
Look, guys,
this client coming in is kind of high profile,
so I trust that you'll extend the same confidentiality
that you extend to each other.
Oh, God, let it be Angie Dickinson.
It's Cee Lo Green.
Who the hell's Cee Lo Green?
You see, that's the type of confidentiality I'm looking for.
You know, I used to be all about
millionaire black basketball players
until a millionaire black singer
- pulled into your driveway. - [Knocking on door]
Hey, Charlie. I hope I'm not too late.
- No, no. We're just finishing up. - Cool.
See you next week, everybody.
Cee Lo: Shawty.
- Hi, Cee Lo. - Hi.
You don't know me yet, but I'm a lingerie supermodel.
Call me. Here's my phone.
You don't wanna keep that.
She has "find-a-phone." She'll know where you live.
Bye.
Please, come on in.
- Thank you. - It's such a pleasure to meet you.
You, too.
Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry.
Coming here to therapy is not gonna work for me.
Well, at least you gave it a fair shot.
That's not what I mean. What I mean is...
I want you to be on call for me 24/7.
You see, I've got this reputation for being, like, a nice guy and all of that,
but I'm under a lot of stress at the moment
and I don't wanna blow up and ruin my reputation.
Yeah, there's no coming back from something like that.
I just need you for a few weeks
while I'm rehearsing my new show "Loberace."
24/7, that's quite a commitment.
Charlie, come on. What do I gotta do to sweeten the deal?
I'm sorry, Cee Lo. I wish there was something that I...
Wait a minute. There is something.
I have a friend who's a very talented stylist
who I just encouraged to quit his job
and, well, he needs a new one.
Send him to me. I'll put him on my team.
Really? Just like that?
I love to give people breaks, especially if they can sing,
but everybody thinks they can sing.
- You got yourself a deal. - All right.
Okay, one more favor I need from you.
The girl I met on the way in, I want her number.
I'm gonna do you an even bigger favor,
I'm not gonna give it to you.
[Theme music playing]
All right, before I take off this robe,
- I'm gonna go over the rules. - Rules?
Number one, you're not allowed to touch the model.
Is the model's hair part of the model?
Yes, and so are the feet.
My God, who made these rules?
Number two, you're not allowed to do anything weird,
like sniffing my couch.
Damn it, they thought of everything.
Can you abide by those rules?
- Yes. - Okay, then. Let's do this.
[Whimpers]
- Are you okay? - Yes.
Right, so...
mount the couch.
Okay, now relax a little.
Okay, that's good.
- Be a little flirty. - [Laughs]
Okay, show me those eyes.
Yes. Okay, pretend you're making love to me.
I mean, me. I mean, me. I mean, the camera.
So how do I look? Like a supermodel?
Yeah.
I'm just thinking you should turn the other way so we can get your good side.
My good side?
No, no, no, no. Both sides are perfect...
but one side's not as good.
You know, I always knew my left side was my bad side.
That's why nobody hits on me when I'm driving.
I would do so much better if I lived in England.
- Well, it's true. - Thanks, Nolan.
- Nobody's ever been honest with me before. - No problem.
Let me change the lens so I can get a little less depth of field.
Could we please not tell the rules committee?
- How long were you at that conference? - Two weeks.
It felt like two years. Let's do this.
[Moans]
That blouse was $400.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
No, that's what made it hot. Kiss me.
I don't have to pay you back for that, do I?
No, don't worry about it. Just rip off my skirt.
I'm gonna go slow. This looks a little pricey.
- Rip it off! - I can't. I'm already into you for $400.
[Sighs]
[cell phone chiming]
You aren't gonna answer that, are you?
- I have to. It's Cee Lo. - [Groans]
Hello. Oh, hey, buddy.
Right now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, no problem.
I'll see you soon.
I'm sorry, Kate. I gotta go.
I can't believe you agreed to be on call.
Once again,
this is you getting overly involved in your patients' lives.
Cee Lo is a very busy man and he can't come to me on a regularly scheduled basis.
So that's why you're doing this?
Not really.
I'm doing this so Patrick can have a job.
What if I need you? What if I have an emergency?
You're right. This is crazy.
I'm gonna call him back and tell him I can't make it.
Hello?
Yeah, I'm on the freeway. I'll see you soon.
[Huffs]
Dad, pulp or no pulp?
- Dad! - What?
I don't know why you invited us over for breakfast
if you're gonna be out on a date all night.
I wasn't on a date.
I was at customs all night trying to keep Cee Lo Green
from getting upset because his gold-plated piano
showed up from Monaco with a scratch.
Okay, if you're just gonna string together
random sets of words, we're going home.
No, no, no, no. Cee lo's a patient now, but don't get excited.
He's just a regular guy like anybody else.
Puts his pants on one leg at a time.
Yeah, but his pants are gold lamé
and they cost a million dollars.
I gotta meet him, Charlie.
Yeah, I know, but you're never gonna meet him.
But I really have to.
- [Doorbell rings] - Oh, that's different. You never will.
Okay, Cee Lo is at the front door. What do we do?
Relax, relax, relax.
We answer the door.
I've done it dozens of times. It works.
- Right. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you go. Remember, as long as Cee lo's in this house,
he's not a celebrity, he's a patient.
- So I want you on your best behavior. - Yeah, Charlie, I know.
- I'm a grown woman. - Oh, come on.
I've seen how crazy you get when you think you've spotted a celebrity.
Remember the time you begged.
"Willie Nelson" for his autograph?
I'm telling you, that was Willie Nelson.
It was a homeless man.
If it was Willie Nelson, he wouldn't have asked you for a dollar.
If you know anything about Willie Nelson,
you know he's had a lot of tax problems.
Yeah, but he doesn't wear six jackets in the middle of July.
Just be cool.
Hey, there he is.
- Hey, Cee Lo. How are you? - What's up, bro?
Hey, so this is for you.
A token of my appreciation for helping me out last night.
- Oh, you shouldn't have, but thank you. - No problem.
- I see you've met my daughter Sam. - I did.
- My ex-wife Jennifer. - Well, it's very nice to meet you.
- My name is Cee Lo. - I know who you are.
And if I met you on the street
and you were wearing six jackets and sharing pizza with a dog,
- I'd still know it's you. - Hmm.
Give us a minute, ladies.
Nice to meet you, Cee Lo.
You know, you really didn't have to do this.
Well, I didn't. My assistant Steve picked it up.
- Oh, well, then thank him for me. - I will.
That will help soften the blow.
What... what blow?
Well, I want you to tell him that he sucks,
that he needs to get his act together.
- Why can't you do that? - Because I have an image to protect.
Can't you see how adorable I am?
Look, Cee Lo, I can be there when you talk to him so you don't blow up,
but I'm not gonna tell him for you.
Are you sure, Charlie? I mean, he's a pretty bad assistant.
That's some cheap-ass champagne.
No, no. I'm sorry. I can't.
Okay, then. Fine.
You're getting the frown.
Stop it.
It's almost as adorable as the smile.
- What are you having? - An anxiety attack.
That's not one of those damn mixology drinks, is it?
I did not become a bartender because I wanted to think.
Do you know anything about women?
I'm gonna talk to you anyway.
Go ahead.
I was taking pictures of this girl who always ignores me,
and then out of the blue, she kissed me.
Did anything happen before she kissed you?
I said something about how the left side of her face
isn't as good as the right.
- And this is a pretty girl? - Very.
You may not know this 'cause you're a dork...
Go on.
But women who base their self-esteem
on their looks are usually pretty insecure,
so when you point out a flaw, it freaks them out
and they would do anything to get you to like them.
So she was nice to me because I criticized her.
Cool.
How come somebody as smart as you is working behind a bar?
Actually, I'm writing a book.
It's called "Conversations With Idiots."
Where do you find these people? Do they just walk in?
And how do you know if they're idiots?
They just show up
and start asking question after question.
Like what?
I'll tell you in a second.
I'm just gonna grab my notebook.
[Dance music playing]
Hey, Patrick. How's the job going?
Oh, my God. Come here.
Come here.
Okay, so I know that I was hired as a stylist and not a designer,
but check this out.
I made this.
I was hoping that Cee Lo might like it and wear it in his show.
- What do you think? - I like it.
And he definitely won't get hit by a car if he goes outside at night.
Hey, Charlie!
Well, I gotta go. Sorry, Patrick.
Charlie, you changed my life.
I mean, I can never repay you...
unless you have a pair of jeans
that you need hemmed and fringed in feathers.
I've been doing that all morning.
Thanks, but I don't even wear the ones I have.
- How's it going? - Hey, Charlie.
- How are you? - Good, good.
Charlie, I want to introduce you to my fantastic assistant Steve.
- Steve, how are you? - How do you do, sir?
- Good, good. - Now, without this guy around here,
the whole operation would fall apart.
Yo, Steve, would you get us some coffee, please?
- Right away. - Thank you.
Well, it looks like you and Steve have worked things out.
No, you gotta fire him.
You just said the whole thing would fall apart without him.
What I didn't say is it would fall apart faster with him.
All right, all right, I'm not comfortable firing him,
but if you think you're gonna lose it when you're letting him go,
then I'll be there to intervene until you cool off, all right?
- All right. - Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
- Uh, Steve. - Yeah.
Charlie's got something to tell you.
My man.
So, Steve...
guess who doesn't have to work late tonight.
- You're a great photographer, Nolan. - Aw, thanks.
- I think this one's really good. - Yeah, maybe.
I mean, after we get it into Photoshop and fix your face.
- Which part? - You know, your, uh...
My nose. It's crooked, isn't it?
- No, it's perfect. - It's my ears.
- They're lopsided, right? - No, they're perfect.
So what part are you talking about fixing?
I don't know. I can't do this anymore.
Do what?
Feed your insecurities.
Lacey, the only reason you kissed me the other day
is because I said half your face was messed up.
So wait.
- You're gaming me? - Well, not the first time.
Let me tell you something.
You can't feed my insecurities because I don't have any.
If I'm so insecure,
why would I wanna be a supermodel
and have everybody love me?
Just get out!
I'm sorry, Lacey. Please, let me kiss that car wreck of a mouth.
Out!
Okay. Give me your phone.
We're not having any distractions tonight.
It's just you and me.
I'll do anything you want.
- Name it. - Can you get Steve his job back?
What are you talking about?
I can't stop thinking about this guy I fired.
It was awful.
You know what you don't hear a lot of?
Wailing.
Wailing and a guy begging for God to kill him.
This is ridiculous. You've got to quit.
If I quit, he'll fire Patrick and I can't do that to him.
- He's finally happy. - Well, you know what? I'm not.
Cee lo's ruining our sex life. I'm outta here.
No, no, don't go. Don't go.
Come here. Come here.
Let's put Cee Lo out of our minds
and tonight it is just about you and me.
That's better.
And I'm gonna rip off every bit of your clothes.
- I don't care what they cost. - [Button clatters]
Cee Lo: Hey, Charlie! Is that you?
I need to talk to you.
You just bought yourself an $800 blouse.
Cee Lo, I'm kinda busy at the moment.
- Can I call you later? - Well, I brought my girlfriend
and I really want you to meet her.
[sighs] I'm going home.
I'm gonna go sit on the washing machine with a glass of wine.
- Hey, Cee Lo. Come on in. - Hey, man.
[Sighs] Vicki, this is Charlie.
He's an anger management therapist.
Charlie, this is Vicki. She's been to Newark.
But not the city, just the airport.
I had a connecting flight.
You know what, don't bite back. She's telling a great story.
Hey, Vicki, I need to talk to Charlie privately for a moment.
You mind waiting in the kitchen for me?
- Oh, I would love to. - Thank you.
- What's going on? - That's the best story she's got.
The Newark thing.
- She seems nice. - Oh, she's great.
You just gotta break up with her for me.
I'm not gonna dump your girlfriend for you.
Charlie, it's for her own benefit. She needs another story.
Look, Cee Lo, I can't do this anymore.
You wanna come to therapy, that's fine,
but I'm not gonna be your hatchet man.
Well, that's too bad, Charlie.
I guess I'll just have to hire Steve back
because somebody's gonna have to fire Patrick.
Don't fire Patrick.
He's a great guy and very talented.
It's your call, Charlie.
Vicki, can I talk to you for a minute?
Hey, Vicki, you're probably not prepared to hear this,
but Cee Lo has something he wants to tell you.
- [Grunts] - My man.
What do you want?
- So you heard. - Yeah.
- Who told you? - Some bitch named Vicki.
So what are you gonna do?
Probably go back to the department store.
At least there I can make a weekly paycheck
to fuel the alcoholism I know is coming.
Patrick, I know what you're going through.
The reason I couldn't work for Cee Lo
is because I'm the kind of guy
that has to be in control of my own life and I think you are, too.
Don't tell me what I am and what I'm not.
- Maybe you're right. - If you go back to that store,
you're gonna get stuck there.
And you're gonna wake up one day, be married to some guy,
have a Chinese baby, and just wanna play it safe.
What am I supposed to do?
Patrick, when I saw that jacket that you designed for Cee Lo,
it was the first time since I've known you that I've seen any real passion.
Well...
I am pretty excellent.
Have you thought about design school?
Only once...
a day...
every day of my life.
- So why don't you go? - I can't afford it, Charlie.
I'm sure there's some things you can cut back on.
I don't know. I live pretty close to the bone.
What... oh, I'm sorry. I thought I heard Ed say something.
Well, I guess if I had to,
I could give up on dry cleaning.
Okay, that's a start.
And the guy who waters my flowers
and freshens up my plants.
I mean, I guess I could cut him back to once a week.
Patrick, I think you can afford design school
if you just tighten your belt.
Especially if you have someone that does that for you, too.
You know what, you're right.
- Here. This is for you. - What is this?
It's my last basket for the Fruit of the Month Club.
I guess if I'm gonna live out my dreams,
I'm gonna have to get used to supermarket pears.
Stay strong.
So how'd it go with that girl?
Well, pointing out their flaws works,
but I just couldn't do it.
I had to be honest with her about my feelings.
Oh, you're a virgin, aren't you?
- Lacey. - I've been thinking about it.
You could've taken advantage of me and you didn't.
I'm sorry.
No, it's a good thing.
Just don't tell me what's going on inside my head ever again.
I don't wanna know.
Never again. I promise.
So you wanna go out sometime?
Two days ago, I would've done anything you wanted,
but you've seen me at my weakest,
so now I'm gonna have to reestablish my dominance.
That sounds good, too.
Okay. You can't have this.
Loser!
What the hell just happened?
[Sighs]
Was that just me or was that, like, unbelievable?
I think it's because we had so much tension built up.
Yeah.
Next time, we should wait, like, three weeks.
- It'll be even better. - How 'bout four?
Even better.
- How 'bout now? - Even better.
[Bowl clatters]
Let's go upstairs. It'll be more comfortable.
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