Well, thanks, Charlie. That was... sex.
Hey, I had one off-night. Check my stats.
Whenever you have a runner in scoring position,
I always drive one up the gap and bring him home.
Can we not call it "the gap"?
I prefer the term my mother used...
"the shameful place we do not touch."
I'm just saying, it's usually amazing.
Even you have nights where you're tired or distracted.
Hey, my just lying there is better than most women moving.
And that comes from a review of me on Yelp.
I'll make it up to you next time.
How do you know there'll be a next time?
Because I'm convenient.
And whether you want to admit it or not,
you like spending time with me.
Or perhaps I'm just biologically compelled to act nicer to you
because my oxytocin levels rise during sex.
You, on the other hand, are always swimming in oxytocin.
Well, come on in. The oxytocin's fine.
Do you ever have an emotion you don't act on?
You're like a toddler
or one of those women on "The Price is Right."
I've got to go. I've got a meeting tomorrow morning
at the public defender's office.
I'm in the running for a job as an expert witness.
Why doesn't anyone ever ask me to be an expert witness? I'd be great at it.
You? [Laughs]
- What? - Come on.
I've got a doctorate. I have major credentials.
- I've been published. - So have I.
You had an ad in the "PennySaver."
Not in.
I had the cover.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on.
I'm licensed. I'm board-certified.
And I'm good-looking.
Juries trust good-looking people.
- It's a scientific fact. - Who told you that?
Some girl I met in a bar.
Why would she lie? She was beautiful.
I don't think the public defender's gonna hire you, Charlie.
She has very high standards.
It's a woman?
I can make this happen.
Give me her name.
Okay, fine. If you're up for the rejection.
Her name is Shelley Trahan.
No way.
- What, you know her? - Yeah.
Back when I was a ballplayer, I got into a bar fight.
I needed a lawyer and she handled my case.
She might have also handled some other things.
And we might have slept together and I might have never called her back.
Well, now we know why you might never get
an expert witness gig. Hmm.
Wait, excuse me?
Could you please say something positive,
encouraging, or nice before you go?
I think you have a childlike sense of wonder.
Thank you.
If you think you're getting an expert witness gig.
And I'm positive about that.
And I'm encouraging you to avoid the embarrassment.
And?
Nice talking to you.
First of all, Shelley, thanks for seeing me.
You look great.
And obviously you're doing great. I'm impressed.
Forget about me. What about you?
An anger management therapist?
Honestly, I didn't see a real bright future
for that ticking time bomb I saw arguing
with the toilet in the drunk tank.
That was a toilet?
I thought it was a short white guy with a big mouth.
What can I do for you?
Well, before I get to that, I want to apologize
for never calling you back. I felt terrible about it.
Charlie, it was a million years ago. It's forgotten.
So forgotten that you'd be willing to, say,
put me on the list of expert witnesses that you hire?
Well, I don't know. Let me ask you a question.
If I called you to be an expert witness,
would you, say, call me back?
Are you kidding? When I want something, I call back.
I mean, now I have the confidence
to call back when it's something I want.
I was so intimidated by you.
Charlie, shut up. I'm screwing with you.
Of course I'll put you on the list.
In fact, I have a case coming up, but I already have somebody in mind.
Do you know a Kate Wales?
Know her? We're friends. We went to grad school together.
Well, what do you think of her?
Is she a better choice than you?
Wow, big question.
Well, she has the credentials
and I would never say anything bad about Kate,
but she's cold, arrogant...
and she has this very annoying habit
of underestimating her opponents.
So you came down here to apologize to me
for screwing me over and, while you're at it,
you screw over your friend?
I guess it sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?
No. It sounds perfect.
I am looking for a witness who wants to win at all costs
with no scruples whatsoever.
Well, I think our history has proved that I have no scruples.
You're hired. I'll send over the case files later.
Thank you. And I won't disappoint you.
I really hope this isn't gonna be a onetime thing.
Wow, I've said that before, haven't I?
[theme music playing]
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.
I got my den fixed up exactly like I want it...
wood paneling, deer head on the wall, flat screen TV.
Freshly opened can of whup-ass.
Ed, it sounds to me like you have a man cave.
What the hell is a man cave?
It's a place where you keep all your favorite stuff.
You can do whatever you want and nobody bothers you.
Used to be called your life, but then you got married.
So now it's just a room.
Well, the problem is my wife is in there more than I am.
She said I needed a plant in there,
so now she's in there all the time taking care of the plant.
You know, feeding it, watering it, talking to it.
What does she say to it?
"We need to go out some. We never do nothing.
Are you listening to me at all?"
I think she's talking to you.
Oh, that makes sense.
The woman's lonely. She's desperate for company.
I don't need that in my den.
How do I get her out of there?
- I have a similar... - Say it in your head.
Give me $500 and I'll figure out a way to get your wife out.
Lacey, I don't think the problem is getting Ed's wife out of his den.
But then I can't make $500
to get a pair of leopard print shoes that I want.
Lacey, we're trying to be supportive here,
not make money for shoes.
They're not just shoes, they're a symbol.
A symbol of how much I want things.
Okay, I think we're out of time,
so you'll have to continue this conversation about shoes
without a licensed therapist in the room.
Nolan, can I see you for a second?
I noticed that you're having some trouble getting your thoughts out in group.
You know, sometimes we can better express ourselves
through art than we can through words.
So this weekend, I want you to paint anything
that upsets you, belittles you, or humiliates you.
Like the way I've been singled out for this assignment?
Nolan, this is not meant to be a punishment.
Well, could it be?
I've been an artist for, like, a minute and I'm already blocked.
Surprise.
Hey, what's going on?
This is for you. Congratulations on getting the job.
- The better man won. - Listen, I was gonna tell you.
I feel bad that Shelley picked me over you,
the doctor with all the qualifications.
Gee, I don't know what to wish for.
I pretty much got everything I want.
Is there a pony standing next to me?
Stop being a jerk. I'm happy for you.
Really? You are? Well, that's very mature of you.
Of course, when I found out,
I immediately went to the prosecution
and got a job as their expert witness.
Do you want to light my candle for me?
Oh, what am I talking about? I can do it myself.
I'm a doctor.
We're gonna be on opposite sides of the case?
We're sleeping together. Isn't that completely unethical?
I won't tell if you won't.
Well, it's an elaborate plan, but it just might work.
And I hope this won't affect our relationship
when you end up on the losing side and I'm on the winning side,
because that's how it's gonna be. You know why?
Because they flipped the definition
of losing and winning in the dictionary?
By the way, there's no comeback to that.
No, because you're too emotional.
You wear all your feelings on your sleeve.
The best expert witnesses are always cool and dispassionate.
The ones who are easily rattled on the stand
have their credibility completely undermined.
See? See, this is where you and I are completely different.
I certainly don't want you to win, but I don't wish you ill.
I would never do anything to try to intimidate you
or undermine your confidence or even...
Oh, look, my cupcake's the biggest again.
And it's getting worse.
She didn't want to leave the den.
So I turned on the wrestling. Well, she liked it.
So I changed over to football.
She liked that.
Maybe it's that I have to pee,
but it seems like you've been talking forever.
- Is Charlie around? - He's just brewing up some coffee.
He asked me to paint my feelings, and, boy, did I.
Can't wait to show him.
Do you want to see it?
Desperately.
It's multimedia art, which I'm told is a thing.
I call it "The Way I Feel Inside,"
parentheses, "(Not good)."
Well, you know, this is one of those things
where either you love it or you're sane.
I was gonna give it to Lacey as a gift.
I want her to see the real me.
You know what, Nolan?
That is the best idea I've heard in my entire life.
Hey, Lacey, I have a gift for you.
- Close your eyes. - Okay.
Please be shoes. Please be shoes. Please be shoes.
Oh, my God!
You know what? It's perfect.
I know just where to hang it.
I always figured you'd end up hanging in Lacey's house,
but I just assumed it would be from a pipe in her garage.
It's called compression men's underwear.
Hey, look at these underwear.
They make your ass look good in your jeans.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
- What are you looking at? - Porn.
Mostly Asian shy girls. Why?
What, are you writing a book about it?
What is all this stuff?
Case files. I need to review them
because I am an expert witness.
[laughs] Good luck.
I've watched many, many hours of "Law & Order,".
"SVU," "Criminal Intent," "Trial By Jury,"
and I've seen what a tough DA can do to an expert witness.
They hammer at them, twist their words.
And these are respected character actors.
They are gonna have a field day with you, my angry friend.
They're gonna get you so worked up
and stressed out, you're gonna think you're the guy on trial.
That's just what Kate said.
You know what? I need to rehearse so I can get used to it.
Okay, I want you to try to get me mad.
All right.
Where were you on the night of April 14?
I know where I was. Doing your mother.
- Dude, uncool. - What if they pull that in court?
They're not gonna talk about banging my mother in court.
I don't know. Is the case about whores?
Okay, that's your last warning.
Excuse me, Counselor.
I'll take the witness.
I saw that in "Law & Order."
They always call him the witness. It dehumanizes them.
I own this bitch.
Ahem.
Isn't it true that you give your ex-wife spousal support?
Yes, I do. Plenty.
Judging by your response, I'd say that money
is an issue in your relationship.
Do you remember giving me $700 cash
for a dental bill for your daughter Samantha Goodson?
What did you do, Jen?
Do you remember denying your ex-wife a similar amount of money,
saying she didn't need to go see the Allman Brothers in Louisiana?
Jen, why do you do this stupid crap?
This is why you're always broke.
And I hope the Allman Brothers like you
because you're gonna be sleeping in their van.
And another thing, this...
this is my laundry basket.
49 seconds. And it's not a van.
It's a bus and it's very comfortable.
Oh, man, I didn't even make it through a whole minute.
And those were your shirts. I did 'em when I washed Sam's stuff.
Bad news, Dad.
The cash-only dentist says I need more work.
Can I have 300 bucks?
Too late, honey. He already knows.
Well, then can I at least go to the dentist?
So, in order to understand why we get angry,
we all have to be willing to admit our fears to each other in this room.
I'll give you an example.
I'm a bit nervous about testifying at a trial tomorrow.
Are you a snitch? 'Cause if you are,
you should be afraid right now.
No, I was hired as an expert witness for the defense.
Oh, one of the guys that lies for us.
- Sweet. - He's a liar.
I love that. Lie your ass off.
No, no, no. I don't have to lie.
The case is about a guy who, in a sudden fit of rage,
tore someone's prosthetic arm off
and beat him into a coma with it.
I'm really just there to say that the guy couldn't control his anger.
But I'm worried that I may lose my temper under cross-examination.
Ooh, put a quarter between your butt cheeks.
Say what now?
A quarter. It'll distract you.
You'll be so focused on keeping the quarter there,
it'll take your mind off your anger during the trial.
Oh, please.
That's your solution for everything.
You got a quarter in your ass right now.
Ain't no trial going on.
No, it really works.
Help you pass the lie detector test, too.
I'll tell you this, if it weren't for the quarter,
I'd have a lot more consecutive life terms.
Ooh, and you don't put it inside.
You just hold it there between the cheeks.
You don't put it inside the slot
unless you're giving pony rides.
While I appreciate the advice,
I think I'll explore some less radical alternatives.
All I'm saying is heads and tails never fails.
And a silver dollar will make you holler.
As the author of numerous studies
on the subject of behavioral psychology,
I can categorically state that this was not spontaneous rage.
It was a brutal, premeditated attack.
No further questions, Dr. Wales.
I'd like to call to the stand the expert witness for the defense,
Charles Goodson, for cross-examination.
That's the prosecution, baby. They're gonna eat you alive.
Trust me, I'm money.
I'd like to remind the witness that he's still under oath.
Now, yesterday, Mr. Goodson, you asked the jury
to believe that a man could in a split second
fly into a red-hot rage, remove a prosthetic arm,
and then use it to violently beat someone
who is literally at that moment unarmed.
Yes, I did.
Now, you realize, Kate Wales, an established social scientist,
papers published in four languages,
a member of the APA, the CBBS,
and the NASW, disagrees with you.
Are you a member of any of these organizations?
Maybe.
What does CBBS stand for?
I'll take that as a no.
Isn't it true, Mr. Goodson,
that you just fell into this line of work
after destroying your professional baseball career in a fit of rage?
- Well, not exactly. - Not exactly?
You broke a bat over your own knee.
But that was 20 years ago.
And after that, like a lot of other washed-up athletes,
you thought, "What am I gonna do for a living?"
- Can I talk for a second? - And instead of opening a car dealership
or a sports bar fronting a cocaine operation,
you decided, "I'm gonna be an anger therapist."
Hey, you want to object or something?
Prosecutor: Just talk to me right here, Mr. Goodson.
Please don't speak to her. She's not going to help.
I don't need any help. I am a qualified anger therapist.
Oh, well, that's obvious, Mr. Goodson.
You're certainly not a dumb jock
who's out of his league in this courtroom.
I'm enough of a dumb jock to kick your ass!
And if the prosecutor had an artificial limb,
I would certainly have wrenched it from its socket
and beat him with it.
That is a crime of passion.
Only in such a rage could the defendant,
now reduced to the instincts of a nine-year-old,
beat his victim with his own arm while yelling,
"Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?"
Your Honor, the witness is out of control.
Objection. I think my witness is in control,
- and that's the point. - Sustained.
Your Honor, I call a mistrial.
Excuse me?
Charlie Goodson and I are sleeping together.
[crowd gasps, murmurs]
[quarter clatters]
I've been having a really good day.
Fun little case. Guy gets beat up with a fake arm.
Nice break from the coke dealers and the gang slayings.
Now I've got to stop everything for you guys.
So what's going on here?
Because if you are involved,
I'm gonna have to throw out your testimony.
Are you in a relationship?
No, sir.
This woman will tell you unequivocally
that we are not in a relationship.
Isn't that right, Dr. Wales?
Didn't you just stand up in my court
and say you two were having sex?
Well, it's a fine point, Your Honor.
What we have is a highly unusual arrangement.
You might find this interesting.
What we have is a noncommittal,
nonemotional, purely physical situation.
I don't find it interesting.
All I'm trying to find out
is whether you two share information.
She won't share anything with me.
I hardly know the woman's birthday.
Hold on. Tell me, do you get together every Saturday night?
- Sure. - Order in Italian sometimes?
- Yeah. - Get in your share of fights?
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
What you got there is a relationship.
Yes!
- You're both dismissed. - Damn it!
You know, I think I did a pretty good job up there.
I hope this won't affect our working relationship in the future.
- I'll call you. - Got it.
Hey, Ed. Before we start, how's everything going with the den?
Great. Wife hasn't bothered me in several days.
I put something terrifying in there.
What, like a ghost shark?
The only thing scarier than a ghost or a shark
is a ghost shark.
Son, something up there is broke real bad.
No, I hung Nolan's painting on the wall.
- But I gave that to Lacey. - And I sold it to Ed
- to get these. - I knew it!
Yup, best 500 bucks I ever spent.
Lacey, you need to start considering other people's feelings.
Nolan gave you something that was very meaningful to him
and you just gave it away like it was nothing.
Oh, my God. He's so right.
I'm glad I didn't think of that
because these shoes look fantastic on me.
Hey.
Sorry, I'm about to start a session.
Way to cheat today.
Cost me a career as an expert witness.
Hey, I suffer just as much as you.
I can't be an expert witness anymore either.
Hey, that was not your big loss, Dr. Wales.
Besides having a judge rule that we're in a relationship, you lost your cool.
Excuse me, I did not.
Yelling out like a little baby in the courtroom?
"I slept with Mr. Goodson and I loved it!"
I did not say I loved it.
It's the least you could have done.
What I did was a brilliant and calculated countermove.
Oh, what's the matter? You can't handle the fact
that you were the emotional one and I was the better expert witness?
Okay, Charlie, what can I do to get you to drop this?
I want you to say,
"Charlie, you were the superior expert witness."
Charlie, you were the superior expert witness.
"Doctorates don't mean squat."
Doctorates don't mean squat.
"I was undone by my own hubris."
Oh, my God, you're an idiot.
Okay.
"I'm impressed Charlie knows the word hubris."
Well, that part's true.
"And even though I may be a needy, emotional wreck
- "and a hopeless romantic..." - Don't push your luck, Goodson.
Oh, by the way.
This quarter dropped out of your pocket in the courtroom.
You keep it.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.