1 00:00:00,578 --> 00:00:04,474 Well, thanks, Charlie. That was... sex. 2 00:00:04,542 --> 00:00:07,455 Hey, I had one off-night. Check my stats. 3 00:00:07,523 --> 00:00:09,017 Whenever you have a runner in scoring position, 4 00:00:09,118 --> 00:00:11,956 I always drive one up the gap and bring him home. 5 00:00:12,024 --> 00:00:14,681 Can we not call it "the gap"? 6 00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:17,238 I prefer the term my mother used... 7 00:00:17,306 --> 00:00:19,972 "the shameful place we do not touch." 8 00:00:20,007 --> 00:00:23,210 I'm just saying, it's usually amazing. 9 00:00:23,278 --> 00:00:26,276 Even you have nights where you're tired or distracted. 10 00:00:26,343 --> 00:00:28,575 Hey, my just lying there is better than most women moving. 11 00:00:28,643 --> 00:00:31,943 And that comes from a review of me on Yelp. 12 00:00:32,010 --> 00:00:33,811 I'll make it up to you next time. 13 00:00:33,878 --> 00:00:35,373 How do you know there'll be a next time? 14 00:00:35,441 --> 00:00:38,112 Because I'm convenient. 15 00:00:38,180 --> 00:00:40,576 And whether you want to admit it or not, 16 00:00:40,644 --> 00:00:42,977 you like spending time with me. 17 00:00:43,045 --> 00:00:46,278 Or perhaps I'm just biologically compelled to act nicer to you 18 00:00:46,345 --> 00:00:48,846 because my oxytocin levels rise during sex. 19 00:00:48,913 --> 00:00:51,579 You, on the other hand, are always swimming in oxytocin. 20 00:00:51,647 --> 00:00:54,749 Well, come on in. The oxytocin's fine. 21 00:00:56,318 --> 00:00:58,585 Do you ever have an emotion you don't act on? 22 00:00:58,653 --> 00:01:00,219 You're like a toddler 23 00:01:00,287 --> 00:01:02,919 or one of those women on "The Price is Right." 24 00:01:02,954 --> 00:01:05,788 I've got to go. I've got a meeting tomorrow morning 25 00:01:05,856 --> 00:01:07,723 at the public defender's office. 26 00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:10,891 I'm in the running for a job as an expert witness. 27 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:13,426 Why doesn't anyone ever ask me to be an expert witness? I'd be great at it. 28 00:01:13,494 --> 00:01:16,795 You? [Laughs] 29 00:01:16,862 --> 00:01:19,362 - What? - Come on. 30 00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:22,298 I've got a doctorate. I have major credentials. 31 00:01:22,366 --> 00:01:25,000 - I've been published. - So have I. 32 00:01:25,068 --> 00:01:27,135 You had an ad in the "PennySaver." 33 00:01:27,169 --> 00:01:28,870 Not in. 34 00:01:28,938 --> 00:01:31,773 I had the cover. 35 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,474 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. 36 00:01:33,542 --> 00:01:35,942 I'm licensed. I'm board-certified. 37 00:01:36,010 --> 00:01:39,279 And I'm good-looking. 38 00:01:39,347 --> 00:01:41,014 Juries trust good-looking people. 39 00:01:41,081 --> 00:01:43,015 - It's a scientific fact. - Who told you that? 40 00:01:43,083 --> 00:01:45,050 Some girl I met in a bar. 41 00:01:45,118 --> 00:01:46,919 Why would she lie? She was beautiful. 42 00:01:50,322 --> 00:01:52,756 I don't think the public defender's gonna hire you, Charlie. 43 00:01:52,824 --> 00:01:54,589 She has very high standards. 44 00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,424 It's a woman? 45 00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:58,559 I can make this happen. 46 00:01:58,627 --> 00:02:00,928 Give me her name. 47 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,496 Okay, fine. If you're up for the rejection. 48 00:02:03,564 --> 00:02:05,698 Her name is Shelley Trahan. 49 00:02:05,766 --> 00:02:08,167 No way. 50 00:02:08,235 --> 00:02:10,336 - What, you know her? - Yeah. 51 00:02:10,370 --> 00:02:12,705 Back when I was a ballplayer, I got into a bar fight. 52 00:02:12,773 --> 00:02:14,674 I needed a lawyer and she handled my case. 53 00:02:14,742 --> 00:02:18,178 She might have also handled some other things. 54 00:02:18,246 --> 00:02:21,546 And we might have slept together and I might have never called her back. 55 00:02:23,382 --> 00:02:25,316 Well, now we know why you might never get 56 00:02:25,384 --> 00:02:27,251 an expert witness gig. Hmm. 57 00:02:27,319 --> 00:02:29,253 Wait, excuse me? 58 00:02:29,321 --> 00:02:30,921 Could you please say something positive, 59 00:02:31,022 --> 00:02:33,123 encouraging, or nice before you go? 60 00:02:33,191 --> 00:02:37,127 I think you have a childlike sense of wonder. 61 00:02:37,195 --> 00:02:38,595 Thank you. 62 00:02:38,663 --> 00:02:40,731 If you think you're getting an expert witness gig. 63 00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:45,669 And I'm positive about that. 64 00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:50,207 And I'm encouraging you to avoid the embarrassment. 65 00:02:50,275 --> 00:02:51,975 And? 66 00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:54,010 Nice talking to you. 67 00:02:57,748 --> 00:02:59,581 First of all, Shelley, thanks for seeing me. 68 00:02:59,649 --> 00:03:01,316 You look great. 69 00:03:01,384 --> 00:03:03,484 And obviously you're doing great. I'm impressed. 70 00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,152 Forget about me. What about you? 71 00:03:05,220 --> 00:03:06,787 An anger management therapist? 72 00:03:06,855 --> 00:03:09,289 Honestly, I didn't see a real bright future 73 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,558 for that ticking time bomb I saw arguing 74 00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:13,460 with the toilet in the drunk tank. 75 00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:15,195 That was a toilet? 76 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:18,231 I thought it was a short white guy with a big mouth. 77 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,700 What can I do for you? 78 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,802 Well, before I get to that, I want to apologize 79 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,006 for never calling you back. I felt terrible about it. 80 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,975 Charlie, it was a million years ago. It's forgotten. 81 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,410 So forgotten that you'd be willing to, say, 82 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:33,979 put me on the list of expert witnesses that you hire? 83 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,215 Well, I don't know. Let me ask you a question. 84 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,250 If I called you to be an expert witness, 85 00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:41,887 would you, say, call me back? 86 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:45,223 Are you kidding? When I want something, I call back. 87 00:03:47,326 --> 00:03:49,528 I mean, now I have the confidence 88 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:51,497 to call back when it's something I want. 89 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,432 I was so intimidated by you. 90 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,434 Charlie, shut up. I'm screwing with you. 91 00:03:55,501 --> 00:03:57,369 Of course I'll put you on the list. 92 00:03:57,436 --> 00:03:59,737 In fact, I have a case coming up, but I already have somebody in mind. 93 00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:02,133 Do you know a Kate Wales? 94 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,625 Know her? We're friends. We went to grad school together. 95 00:04:05,693 --> 00:04:06,992 Well, what do you think of her? 96 00:04:07,059 --> 00:04:08,092 Is she a better choice than you? 97 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,526 Wow, big question. 98 00:04:10,594 --> 00:04:13,126 Well, she has the credentials 99 00:04:13,194 --> 00:04:15,260 and I would never say anything bad about Kate, 100 00:04:15,328 --> 00:04:18,262 but she's cold, arrogant... 101 00:04:20,163 --> 00:04:21,963 and she has this very annoying habit 102 00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:24,364 of underestimating her opponents. 103 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,932 So you came down here to apologize to me 104 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,833 for screwing me over and, while you're at it, 105 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:32,800 you screw over your friend? 106 00:04:32,868 --> 00:04:34,701 I guess it sounds pretty bad, doesn't it? 107 00:04:34,768 --> 00:04:37,471 No. It sounds perfect. 108 00:04:37,539 --> 00:04:39,907 I am looking for a witness who wants to win at all costs 109 00:04:39,941 --> 00:04:41,907 with no scruples whatsoever. 110 00:04:41,975 --> 00:04:45,242 Well, I think our history has proved that I have no scruples. 111 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:48,109 You're hired. I'll send over the case files later. 112 00:04:48,177 --> 00:04:50,511 Thank you. And I won't disappoint you. 113 00:04:50,579 --> 00:04:53,178 I really hope this isn't gonna be a onetime thing. 114 00:04:53,213 --> 00:04:54,612 Wow, I've said that before, haven't I? 115 00:04:56,481 --> 00:04:58,513 [theme music playing] 116 00:04:58,538 --> 00:05:00,538 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com. 117 00:05:00,549 --> 00:05:03,616 I got my den fixed up exactly like I want it... 118 00:05:03,683 --> 00:05:07,017 wood paneling, deer head on the wall, flat screen TV. 119 00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:08,784 Freshly opened can of whup-ass. 120 00:05:10,319 --> 00:05:12,552 Ed, it sounds to me like you have a man cave. 121 00:05:12,619 --> 00:05:14,386 What the hell is a man cave? 122 00:05:14,453 --> 00:05:16,787 It's a place where you keep all your favorite stuff. 123 00:05:16,855 --> 00:05:19,055 You can do whatever you want and nobody bothers you. 124 00:05:19,122 --> 00:05:21,155 Used to be called your life, but then you got married. 125 00:05:21,223 --> 00:05:23,823 So now it's just a room. 126 00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:28,023 Well, the problem is my wife is in there more than I am. 127 00:05:28,091 --> 00:05:29,591 She said I needed a plant in there, 128 00:05:29,658 --> 00:05:33,425 so now she's in there all the time taking care of the plant. 129 00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:36,293 You know, feeding it, watering it, talking to it. 130 00:05:36,361 --> 00:05:37,827 What does she say to it? 131 00:05:37,895 --> 00:05:39,994 "We need to go out some. We never do nothing. 132 00:05:40,061 --> 00:05:42,595 Are you listening to me at all?" 133 00:05:42,663 --> 00:05:44,596 I think she's talking to you. 134 00:05:44,663 --> 00:05:48,263 Oh, that makes sense. 135 00:05:48,331 --> 00:05:51,698 The woman's lonely. She's desperate for company. 136 00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:53,833 I don't need that in my den. 137 00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,933 How do I get her out of there? 138 00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,534 - I have a similar... - Say it in your head. 139 00:05:59,602 --> 00:06:03,069 Give me $500 and I'll figure out a way to get your wife out. 140 00:06:03,137 --> 00:06:06,569 Lacey, I don't think the problem is getting Ed's wife out of his den. 141 00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:08,568 But then I can't make $500 142 00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:10,635 to get a pair of leopard print shoes that I want. 143 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:12,668 Lacey, we're trying to be supportive here, 144 00:06:12,736 --> 00:06:14,401 not make money for shoes. 145 00:06:14,469 --> 00:06:15,869 They're not just shoes, they're a symbol. 146 00:06:15,937 --> 00:06:18,302 A symbol of how much I want things. 147 00:06:18,370 --> 00:06:21,270 Okay, I think we're out of time, 148 00:06:21,338 --> 00:06:23,771 so you'll have to continue this conversation about shoes 149 00:06:23,838 --> 00:06:25,938 without a licensed therapist in the room. 150 00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:27,738 Nolan, can I see you for a second? 151 00:06:32,172 --> 00:06:34,438 I noticed that you're having some trouble getting your thoughts out in group. 152 00:06:34,506 --> 00:06:36,772 You know, sometimes we can better express ourselves 153 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,839 through art than we can through words. 154 00:06:38,907 --> 00:06:41,239 So this weekend, I want you to paint anything 155 00:06:41,307 --> 00:06:43,740 that upsets you, belittles you, or humiliates you. 156 00:06:43,807 --> 00:06:47,406 Like the way I've been singled out for this assignment? 157 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,674 Nolan, this is not meant to be a punishment. 158 00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:51,841 Well, could it be? 159 00:06:54,009 --> 00:06:56,407 I've been an artist for, like, a minute and I'm already blocked. 160 00:07:00,944 --> 00:07:02,110 Surprise. 161 00:07:02,178 --> 00:07:04,311 Hey, what's going on? 162 00:07:04,378 --> 00:07:07,011 This is for you. Congratulations on getting the job. 163 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:09,645 - The better man won. - Listen, I was gonna tell you. 164 00:07:09,713 --> 00:07:12,446 I feel bad that Shelley picked me over you, 165 00:07:12,513 --> 00:07:15,147 the doctor with all the qualifications. 166 00:07:15,214 --> 00:07:16,914 Gee, I don't know what to wish for. 167 00:07:16,982 --> 00:07:19,148 I pretty much got everything I want. 168 00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:25,250 Is there a pony standing next to me? 169 00:07:25,317 --> 00:07:28,384 Stop being a jerk. I'm happy for you. 170 00:07:28,452 --> 00:07:31,820 Really? You are? Well, that's very mature of you. 171 00:07:31,854 --> 00:07:33,553 Of course, when I found out, 172 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,487 I immediately went to the prosecution 173 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:38,855 and got a job as their expert witness. 174 00:07:41,557 --> 00:07:43,290 Do you want to light my candle for me? 175 00:07:43,358 --> 00:07:45,357 Oh, what am I talking about? I can do it myself. 176 00:07:45,425 --> 00:07:46,591 I'm a doctor. 177 00:07:49,393 --> 00:07:51,459 We're gonna be on opposite sides of the case? 178 00:07:51,527 --> 00:07:53,727 We're sleeping together. Isn't that completely unethical? 179 00:07:53,795 --> 00:07:55,661 I won't tell if you won't. 180 00:07:55,729 --> 00:07:58,730 Well, it's an elaborate plan, but it just might work. 181 00:07:58,797 --> 00:08:01,671 And I hope this won't affect our relationship 182 00:08:01,738 --> 00:08:04,514 when you end up on the losing side and I'm on the winning side, 183 00:08:04,582 --> 00:08:06,216 because that's how it's gonna be. You know why? 184 00:08:06,283 --> 00:08:07,784 Because they flipped the definition 185 00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:09,085 of losing and winning in the dictionary? 186 00:08:10,788 --> 00:08:13,156 By the way, there's no comeback to that. 187 00:08:13,224 --> 00:08:15,291 No, because you're too emotional. 188 00:08:15,359 --> 00:08:17,426 You wear all your feelings on your sleeve. 189 00:08:17,494 --> 00:08:21,931 The best expert witnesses are always cool and dispassionate. 190 00:08:21,998 --> 00:08:25,367 The ones who are easily rattled on the stand 191 00:08:25,435 --> 00:08:27,937 have their credibility completely undermined. 192 00:08:28,004 --> 00:08:31,240 See? See, this is where you and I are completely different. 193 00:08:31,308 --> 00:08:33,842 I certainly don't want you to win, but I don't wish you ill. 194 00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:37,081 I would never do anything to try to intimidate you 195 00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:39,383 or undermine your confidence or even... 196 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:49,961 Oh, look, my cupcake's the biggest again. 197 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,752 And it's getting worse. 198 00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:57,588 She didn't want to leave the den. 199 00:08:57,655 --> 00:09:00,958 So I turned on the wrestling. Well, she liked it. 200 00:09:00,992 --> 00:09:02,926 So I changed over to football. 201 00:09:02,994 --> 00:09:04,294 She liked that. 202 00:09:04,362 --> 00:09:06,363 Maybe it's that I have to pee, 203 00:09:06,431 --> 00:09:08,165 but it seems like you've been talking forever. 204 00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:13,003 - Is Charlie around? - He's just brewing up some coffee. 205 00:09:13,071 --> 00:09:18,175 He asked me to paint my feelings, and, boy, did I. 206 00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:19,943 Can't wait to show him. 207 00:09:21,078 --> 00:09:22,379 Do you want to see it? 208 00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:25,249 Desperately. 209 00:09:25,316 --> 00:09:29,186 It's multimedia art, which I'm told is a thing. 210 00:09:34,926 --> 00:09:36,893 I call it "The Way I Feel Inside," 211 00:09:36,961 --> 00:09:39,996 parentheses, "(Not good)." 212 00:09:40,064 --> 00:09:42,331 Well, you know, this is one of those things 213 00:09:42,399 --> 00:09:45,901 where either you love it or you're sane. 214 00:09:45,969 --> 00:09:48,471 I was gonna give it to Lacey as a gift. 215 00:09:48,539 --> 00:09:51,173 I want her to see the real me. 216 00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:52,942 You know what, Nolan? 217 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,812 That is the best idea I've heard in my entire life. 218 00:09:58,215 --> 00:10:02,018 Hey, Lacey, I have a gift for you. 219 00:10:02,086 --> 00:10:04,354 - Close your eyes. - Okay. 220 00:10:04,422 --> 00:10:07,023 Please be shoes. Please be shoes. Please be shoes. 221 00:10:07,091 --> 00:10:09,226 Oh, my God! 222 00:10:10,962 --> 00:10:13,964 You know what? It's perfect. 223 00:10:14,032 --> 00:10:16,366 I know just where to hang it. 224 00:10:19,937 --> 00:10:22,005 I always figured you'd end up hanging in Lacey's house, 225 00:10:22,072 --> 00:10:24,506 but I just assumed it would be from a pipe in her garage. 226 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,778 It's called compression men's underwear. 227 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,580 Hey, look at these underwear. 228 00:10:31,648 --> 00:10:33,649 They make your ass look good in your jeans. 229 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,217 Yeah. 230 00:10:35,285 --> 00:10:36,652 Hey, guys. 231 00:10:38,121 --> 00:10:39,888 - What are you looking at? - Porn. 232 00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,492 Mostly Asian shy girls. Why? 233 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,261 What, are you writing a book about it? 234 00:10:45,328 --> 00:10:46,929 What is all this stuff? 235 00:10:46,997 --> 00:10:48,665 Case files. I need to review them 236 00:10:48,699 --> 00:10:51,401 because I am an expert witness. 237 00:10:51,469 --> 00:10:53,503 [laughs] Good luck. 238 00:10:53,571 --> 00:10:56,173 I've watched many, many hours of "Law & Order,". 239 00:10:56,241 --> 00:10:59,043 "SVU," "Criminal Intent," "Trial By Jury," 240 00:10:59,111 --> 00:11:02,213 and I've seen what a tough DA can do to an expert witness. 241 00:11:02,247 --> 00:11:04,148 They hammer at them, twist their words. 242 00:11:04,216 --> 00:11:05,650 And these are respected character actors. 243 00:11:07,085 --> 00:11:10,922 They are gonna have a field day with you, my angry friend. 244 00:11:10,990 --> 00:11:12,958 They're gonna get you so worked up 245 00:11:13,026 --> 00:11:14,995 and stressed out, you're gonna think you're the guy on trial. 246 00:11:15,063 --> 00:11:17,633 That's just what Kate said. 247 00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,069 You know what? I need to rehearse so I can get used to it. 248 00:11:20,136 --> 00:11:22,171 Okay, I want you to try to get me mad. 249 00:11:22,239 --> 00:11:24,174 All right. 250 00:11:24,241 --> 00:11:26,276 Where were you on the night of April 14? 251 00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:28,911 I know where I was. Doing your mother. 252 00:11:30,914 --> 00:11:33,248 - Dude, uncool. - What if they pull that in court? 253 00:11:33,316 --> 00:11:36,151 They're not gonna talk about banging my mother in court. 254 00:11:36,219 --> 00:11:39,688 I don't know. Is the case about whores? 255 00:11:39,756 --> 00:11:41,557 Okay, that's your last warning. 256 00:11:41,591 --> 00:11:43,592 Excuse me, Counselor. 257 00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,595 I'll take the witness. 258 00:11:45,662 --> 00:11:47,296 I saw that in "Law & Order." 259 00:11:47,365 --> 00:11:49,867 They always call him the witness. It dehumanizes them. 260 00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:51,671 I own this bitch. 261 00:11:51,738 --> 00:11:53,810 Ahem. 262 00:11:53,877 --> 00:11:57,648 Isn't it true that you give your ex-wife spousal support? 263 00:11:57,715 --> 00:11:59,783 Yes, I do. Plenty. 264 00:11:59,851 --> 00:12:01,852 Judging by your response, I'd say that money 265 00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:04,022 is an issue in your relationship. 266 00:12:04,089 --> 00:12:07,092 Do you remember giving me $700 cash 267 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,562 for a dental bill for your daughter Samantha Goodson? 268 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:12,630 What did you do, Jen? 269 00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:16,701 Do you remember denying your ex-wife a similar amount of money, 270 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,771 saying she didn't need to go see the Allman Brothers in Louisiana? 271 00:12:19,839 --> 00:12:22,108 Jen, why do you do this stupid crap? 272 00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:23,979 This is why you're always broke. 273 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,380 And I hope the Allman Brothers like you 274 00:12:25,448 --> 00:12:27,115 because you're gonna be sleeping in their van. 275 00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,283 And another thing, this... 276 00:12:29,351 --> 00:12:32,053 this is my laundry basket. 277 00:12:32,121 --> 00:12:34,388 49 seconds. And it's not a van. 278 00:12:34,456 --> 00:12:36,190 It's a bus and it's very comfortable. 279 00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:39,928 Oh, man, I didn't even make it through a whole minute. 280 00:12:39,996 --> 00:12:43,064 And those were your shirts. I did 'em when I washed Sam's stuff. 281 00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:45,433 Bad news, Dad. 282 00:12:45,501 --> 00:12:47,268 The cash-only dentist says I need more work. 283 00:12:47,336 --> 00:12:48,770 Can I have 300 bucks? 284 00:12:48,838 --> 00:12:50,472 Too late, honey. He already knows. 285 00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:52,407 Well, then can I at least go to the dentist? 286 00:12:56,454 --> 00:12:58,613 So, in order to understand why we get angry, 287 00:12:58,681 --> 00:13:01,516 we all have to be willing to admit our fears to each other in this room. 288 00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:03,318 I'll give you an example. 289 00:13:03,386 --> 00:13:05,620 I'm a bit nervous about testifying at a trial tomorrow. 290 00:13:05,688 --> 00:13:08,122 Are you a snitch? 'Cause if you are, 291 00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:10,291 you should be afraid right now. 292 00:13:12,327 --> 00:13:15,062 No, I was hired as an expert witness for the defense. 293 00:13:15,130 --> 00:13:17,998 Oh, one of the guys that lies for us. 294 00:13:18,066 --> 00:13:19,934 - Sweet. - He's a liar. 295 00:13:20,001 --> 00:13:21,702 I love that. Lie your ass off. 296 00:13:21,770 --> 00:13:23,904 No, no, no. I don't have to lie. 297 00:13:23,972 --> 00:13:26,840 The case is about a guy who, in a sudden fit of rage, 298 00:13:26,908 --> 00:13:28,409 tore someone's prosthetic arm off 299 00:13:28,476 --> 00:13:30,978 and beat him into a coma with it. 300 00:13:31,046 --> 00:13:33,948 I'm really just there to say that the guy couldn't control his anger. 301 00:13:34,015 --> 00:13:37,151 But I'm worried that I may lose my temper under cross-examination. 302 00:13:37,218 --> 00:13:40,988 Ooh, put a quarter between your butt cheeks. 303 00:13:41,056 --> 00:13:43,625 Say what now? 304 00:13:43,693 --> 00:13:45,527 A quarter. It'll distract you. 305 00:13:45,595 --> 00:13:47,662 You'll be so focused on keeping the quarter there, 306 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:50,432 it'll take your mind off your anger during the trial. 307 00:13:50,499 --> 00:13:52,600 Oh, please. 308 00:13:52,668 --> 00:13:54,703 That's your solution for everything. 309 00:13:56,205 --> 00:13:58,373 You got a quarter in your ass right now. 310 00:13:58,441 --> 00:14:00,984 Ain't no trial going on. 311 00:14:02,891 --> 00:14:04,627 No, it really works. 312 00:14:04,696 --> 00:14:06,564 Help you pass the lie detector test, too. 313 00:14:06,632 --> 00:14:09,067 I'll tell you this, if it weren't for the quarter, 314 00:14:09,135 --> 00:14:12,404 I'd have a lot more consecutive life terms. 315 00:14:12,471 --> 00:14:14,306 Ooh, and you don't put it inside. 316 00:14:14,374 --> 00:14:16,675 You just hold it there between the cheeks. 317 00:14:16,742 --> 00:14:19,110 You don't put it inside the slot 318 00:14:19,178 --> 00:14:21,179 unless you're giving pony rides. 319 00:14:21,246 --> 00:14:23,948 While I appreciate the advice, 320 00:14:24,016 --> 00:14:25,951 I think I'll explore some less radical alternatives. 321 00:14:26,019 --> 00:14:28,694 All I'm saying is heads and tails never fails. 322 00:14:28,761 --> 00:14:30,803 And a silver dollar will make you holler. 323 00:14:33,312 --> 00:14:35,482 As the author of numerous studies 324 00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:37,852 on the subject of behavioral psychology, 325 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:43,424 I can categorically state that this was not spontaneous rage. 326 00:14:43,492 --> 00:14:46,895 It was a brutal, premeditated attack. 327 00:14:46,963 --> 00:14:50,265 No further questions, Dr. Wales. 328 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:53,035 I'd like to call to the stand the expert witness for the defense, 329 00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:56,872 Charles Goodson, for cross-examination. 330 00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:59,508 That's the prosecution, baby. They're gonna eat you alive. 331 00:15:00,877 --> 00:15:02,844 Trust me, I'm money. 332 00:15:13,857 --> 00:15:17,726 I'd like to remind the witness that he's still under oath. 333 00:15:17,794 --> 00:15:20,863 Now, yesterday, Mr. Goodson, you asked the jury 334 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:23,698 to believe that a man could in a split second 335 00:15:23,766 --> 00:15:27,135 fly into a red-hot rage, remove a prosthetic arm, 336 00:15:27,203 --> 00:15:30,238 and then use it to violently beat someone 337 00:15:30,306 --> 00:15:33,041 who is literally at that moment unarmed. 338 00:15:33,109 --> 00:15:34,810 Yes, I did. 339 00:15:34,878 --> 00:15:38,247 Now, you realize, Kate Wales, an established social scientist, 340 00:15:38,315 --> 00:15:40,749 papers published in four languages, 341 00:15:40,817 --> 00:15:43,386 a member of the APA, the CBBS, 342 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,722 and the NASW, disagrees with you. 343 00:15:45,789 --> 00:15:48,157 Are you a member of any of these organizations? 344 00:15:48,225 --> 00:15:50,359 Maybe. 345 00:15:51,595 --> 00:15:53,296 What does CBBS stand for? 346 00:15:53,363 --> 00:15:56,766 I'll take that as a no. 347 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,001 Isn't it true, Mr. Goodson, 348 00:15:59,069 --> 00:16:00,903 that you just fell into this line of work 349 00:16:00,971 --> 00:16:04,407 after destroying your professional baseball career in a fit of rage? 350 00:16:04,475 --> 00:16:06,376 - Well, not exactly. - Not exactly? 351 00:16:06,444 --> 00:16:08,211 You broke a bat over your own knee. 352 00:16:08,279 --> 00:16:09,579 But that was 20 years ago. 353 00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:12,548 And after that, like a lot of other washed-up athletes, 354 00:16:12,616 --> 00:16:14,650 you thought, "What am I gonna do for a living?" 355 00:16:14,718 --> 00:16:17,687 - Can I talk for a second? - And instead of opening a car dealership 356 00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:20,222 or a sports bar fronting a cocaine operation, 357 00:16:20,290 --> 00:16:23,520 you decided, "I'm gonna be an anger therapist." 358 00:16:23,588 --> 00:16:25,454 Hey, you want to object or something? 359 00:16:25,522 --> 00:16:27,422 Prosecutor: Just talk to me right here, Mr. Goodson. 360 00:16:27,490 --> 00:16:29,558 Please don't speak to her. She's not going to help. 361 00:16:29,625 --> 00:16:32,360 I don't need any help. I am a qualified anger therapist. 362 00:16:32,428 --> 00:16:34,596 Oh, well, that's obvious, Mr. Goodson. 363 00:16:34,663 --> 00:16:36,331 You're certainly not a dumb jock 364 00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:38,600 who's out of his league in this courtroom. 365 00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:41,936 I'm enough of a dumb jock to kick your ass! 366 00:16:45,207 --> 00:16:48,876 And if the prosecutor had an artificial limb, 367 00:16:48,943 --> 00:16:50,877 I would certainly have wrenched it from its socket 368 00:16:50,945 --> 00:16:52,746 and beat him with it. 369 00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:55,014 That is a crime of passion. 370 00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:57,716 Only in such a rage could the defendant, 371 00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,619 now reduced to the instincts of a nine-year-old, 372 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:03,522 beat his victim with his own arm while yelling, 373 00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,891 "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" 374 00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,060 Your Honor, the witness is out of control. 375 00:17:09,127 --> 00:17:11,328 Objection. I think my witness is in control, 376 00:17:11,396 --> 00:17:13,564 - and that's the point. - Sustained. 377 00:17:13,631 --> 00:17:16,466 Your Honor, I call a mistrial. 378 00:17:17,635 --> 00:17:19,135 Excuse me? 379 00:17:19,203 --> 00:17:21,204 Charlie Goodson and I are sleeping together. 380 00:17:21,272 --> 00:17:24,273 [crowd gasps, murmurs] 381 00:17:24,341 --> 00:17:26,976 [quarter clatters] 382 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,774 I've been having a really good day. 383 00:17:32,842 --> 00:17:36,011 Fun little case. Guy gets beat up with a fake arm. 384 00:17:36,079 --> 00:17:39,950 Nice break from the coke dealers and the gang slayings. 385 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:43,093 Now I've got to stop everything for you guys. 386 00:17:45,496 --> 00:17:47,063 So what's going on here? 387 00:17:47,131 --> 00:17:49,899 Because if you are involved, 388 00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:52,835 I'm gonna have to throw out your testimony. 389 00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,570 Are you in a relationship? 390 00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:56,139 No, sir. 391 00:17:56,206 --> 00:17:57,707 This woman will tell you unequivocally 392 00:17:57,775 --> 00:17:59,042 that we are not in a relationship. 393 00:17:59,109 --> 00:18:00,443 Isn't that right, Dr. Wales? 394 00:18:00,477 --> 00:18:02,445 Didn't you just stand up in my court 395 00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:05,047 and say you two were having sex? 396 00:18:05,115 --> 00:18:07,316 Well, it's a fine point, Your Honor. 397 00:18:07,383 --> 00:18:09,451 What we have is a highly unusual arrangement. 398 00:18:09,519 --> 00:18:11,053 You might find this interesting. 399 00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:13,956 What we have is a noncommittal, 400 00:18:14,024 --> 00:18:17,893 nonemotional, purely physical situation. 401 00:18:17,961 --> 00:18:20,529 I don't find it interesting. 402 00:18:20,596 --> 00:18:22,631 All I'm trying to find out 403 00:18:22,698 --> 00:18:25,667 is whether you two share information. 404 00:18:25,735 --> 00:18:26,902 She won't share anything with me. 405 00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:28,837 I hardly know the woman's birthday. 406 00:18:28,905 --> 00:18:33,975 Hold on. Tell me, do you get together every Saturday night? 407 00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:37,512 - Sure. - Order in Italian sometimes? 408 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:39,914 - Yeah. - Get in your share of fights? 409 00:18:39,982 --> 00:18:41,415 - Uh-huh. - Yeah. 410 00:18:41,483 --> 00:18:43,785 What you got there is a relationship. 411 00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:45,253 Yes! 412 00:18:45,321 --> 00:18:48,323 - You're both dismissed. - Damn it! 413 00:18:52,561 --> 00:18:54,563 You know, I think I did a pretty good job up there. 414 00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:57,432 I hope this won't affect our working relationship in the future. 415 00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:59,667 - I'll call you. - Got it. 416 00:19:02,638 --> 00:19:07,208 Hey, Ed. Before we start, how's everything going with the den? 417 00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,877 Great. Wife hasn't bothered me in several days. 418 00:19:09,945 --> 00:19:12,813 I put something terrifying in there. 419 00:19:12,881 --> 00:19:15,950 What, like a ghost shark? 420 00:19:16,017 --> 00:19:17,818 The only thing scarier than a ghost or a shark 421 00:19:17,886 --> 00:19:19,353 is a ghost shark. 422 00:19:21,656 --> 00:19:25,192 Son, something up there is broke real bad. 423 00:19:27,396 --> 00:19:30,031 No, I hung Nolan's painting on the wall. 424 00:19:30,098 --> 00:19:32,633 - But I gave that to Lacey. - And I sold it to Ed 425 00:19:32,701 --> 00:19:34,969 - to get these. - I knew it! 426 00:19:35,037 --> 00:19:38,539 Yup, best 500 bucks I ever spent. 427 00:19:38,607 --> 00:19:41,709 Lacey, you need to start considering other people's feelings. 428 00:19:41,776 --> 00:19:43,676 Nolan gave you something that was very meaningful to him 429 00:19:43,744 --> 00:19:45,712 and you just gave it away like it was nothing. 430 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:48,014 Oh, my God. He's so right. 431 00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:49,616 I'm glad I didn't think of that 432 00:19:49,684 --> 00:19:52,953 because these shoes look fantastic on me. 433 00:19:56,591 --> 00:19:58,293 Hey. 434 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,562 Sorry, I'm about to start a session. 435 00:20:00,630 --> 00:20:02,264 Way to cheat today. 436 00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,399 Cost me a career as an expert witness. 437 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:06,434 Hey, I suffer just as much as you. 438 00:20:06,502 --> 00:20:08,270 I can't be an expert witness anymore either. 439 00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:10,605 Hey, that was not your big loss, Dr. Wales. 440 00:20:10,673 --> 00:20:13,642 Besides having a judge rule that we're in a relationship, you lost your cool. 441 00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,511 Excuse me, I did not. 442 00:20:15,579 --> 00:20:18,147 Yelling out like a little baby in the courtroom? 443 00:20:18,215 --> 00:20:20,650 "I slept with Mr. Goodson and I loved it!" 444 00:20:20,717 --> 00:20:22,886 I did not say I loved it. 445 00:20:22,953 --> 00:20:24,621 It's the least you could have done. 446 00:20:26,357 --> 00:20:30,728 What I did was a brilliant and calculated countermove. 447 00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:32,663 Oh, what's the matter? You can't handle the fact 448 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,899 that you were the emotional one and I was the better expert witness? 449 00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,435 Okay, Charlie, what can I do to get you to drop this? 450 00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:39,304 I want you to say, 451 00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,007 "Charlie, you were the superior expert witness." 452 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,043 Charlie, you were the superior expert witness. 453 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,978 "Doctorates don't mean squat." 454 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:50,316 Doctorates don't mean squat. 455 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:52,952 "I was undone by my own hubris." 456 00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:55,555 Oh, my God, you're an idiot. 457 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,156 Okay. 458 00:20:57,224 --> 00:20:59,826 "I'm impressed Charlie knows the word hubris." 459 00:20:59,894 --> 00:21:01,962 Well, that part's true. 460 00:21:02,030 --> 00:21:04,831 "And even though I may be a needy, emotional wreck 461 00:21:04,899 --> 00:21:07,701 - "and a hopeless romantic..." - Don't push your luck, Goodson. 462 00:21:07,769 --> 00:21:10,171 Oh, by the way. 463 00:21:10,238 --> 00:21:12,540 This quarter dropped out of your pocket in the courtroom. 464 00:21:14,677 --> 00:21:16,111 You keep it. 465 00:21:16,136 --> 00:21:29,000 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.