1 00:00:01,374 --> 00:00:04,061 So, Sateen. You've now heard your sister and the rest of the group 2 00:00:04,128 --> 00:00:06,849 talk about how inappropriate anger can damage your life. 3 00:00:06,917 --> 00:00:09,046 I'd love to hear what you're thinking right now. 4 00:00:09,114 --> 00:00:10,943 I was thinking 5 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,040 if all you're serving is supermarket muffins, 6 00:00:13,107 --> 00:00:15,471 you might want to check if your guest is gluten-free 7 00:00:15,538 --> 00:00:17,423 because I am and they're not. 8 00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:21,649 Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted. 9 00:00:23,666 --> 00:00:26,046 This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch. 10 00:00:26,114 --> 00:00:29,058 It's about how angry you are and how I don't want you to end up like me. 11 00:00:29,126 --> 00:00:31,101 Telling your problems to a bunch of losers 12 00:00:31,169 --> 00:00:33,177 in some horrible living room in the Valley. 13 00:00:33,245 --> 00:00:35,366 Excuse me. 14 00:00:35,434 --> 00:00:37,925 I take offense to the term "loser," 15 00:00:37,993 --> 00:00:40,093 but I do agree with "horrible living room in Valley." 16 00:00:41,734 --> 00:00:43,707 Where do all you people live, like, Versailles? 17 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,719 I've got a question. 18 00:00:47,787 --> 00:00:49,557 Lacey, Sateen. 19 00:00:49,624 --> 00:00:51,731 Did your parents pick your names 20 00:00:51,799 --> 00:00:54,304 out of an underwear drawer? 21 00:00:54,372 --> 00:00:57,448 They're family names from India, old man. 22 00:00:57,483 --> 00:00:59,924 I'm sorry they don't have the beauty and dignity of Ed. 23 00:01:01,698 --> 00:01:04,539 Wait, go back. Did you call me a bitch, bitch? 24 00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:06,409 Yeah, like five minutes ago. 25 00:01:06,477 --> 00:01:09,249 - You actually suck. - No, you suck and no one asked you. 26 00:01:09,317 --> 00:01:11,487 - At least I wasn't a fat baby. - I wasn't a fat baby. 27 00:01:11,556 --> 00:01:13,158 They overfed me. 28 00:01:13,225 --> 00:01:17,201 All this yelling. It's really hard on me. 29 00:01:17,269 --> 00:01:19,709 Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out? 30 00:01:21,513 --> 00:01:24,518 Nolan, do you realize that everything you've said today 31 00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,057 about Lacey and her sister has been a veiled sexual reference? 32 00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:30,664 And by veiled, I don't mean anything culturally insensitive. 33 00:01:30,732 --> 00:01:32,167 Sorry. 34 00:01:32,235 --> 00:01:35,208 And by sorry, I mean the apology. 35 00:01:35,275 --> 00:01:37,913 Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress. 36 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,754 Not everything I said was sexual. 37 00:01:41,821 --> 00:01:45,393 That tandoori taco twofer at the street fair is a real thing. 38 00:01:46,964 --> 00:01:49,701 No, it's not. 39 00:01:49,769 --> 00:01:52,974 Okay. Sateen, after observing you a little bit today, 40 00:01:53,042 --> 00:01:55,108 I really think you could use some anger management therapy. 41 00:01:55,175 --> 00:01:57,278 Let me be careful. 42 00:01:57,346 --> 00:01:59,215 I wanna say this in the rudest possible way. 43 00:01:59,282 --> 00:02:01,686 You just did. 44 00:02:01,753 --> 00:02:03,521 Godspeed. See ya in prison. 45 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,560 The rest of ya, I'll see ya next week. 46 00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:14,036 Hey, I don't know what's going on with me today. 47 00:02:14,104 --> 00:02:16,573 I think I'm gonna walk it off. 48 00:02:16,641 --> 00:02:18,910 I said walk, not whack, right? 49 00:02:18,978 --> 00:02:20,947 Yes, you did. 50 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:23,819 Ah, spank God. 51 00:02:23,887 --> 00:02:25,688 I need to talk to you about your dad. 52 00:02:28,461 --> 00:02:31,064 Did you need to talk to me or did Dad conveniently bump into you 53 00:02:31,132 --> 00:02:33,001 and con you into doing his dirty work? 54 00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,972 No, I ran into him at the Lady Footlocker and he told me... 55 00:02:36,039 --> 00:02:38,642 damn, he's good. 56 00:02:38,710 --> 00:02:42,013 Let me guess. He doesn't understand why I won't spend more time with him? 57 00:02:42,081 --> 00:02:44,784 No, he doesn't, Charlie. It's really bothering him. 58 00:02:44,852 --> 00:02:46,453 Maybe he should have thought about that when he was being 59 00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:48,957 a manipulative, lying bully my entire life. 60 00:02:49,024 --> 00:02:50,826 People forgive, Charlie. 61 00:02:50,894 --> 00:02:53,229 I've had manipulative, lying people in my life 62 00:02:53,296 --> 00:02:56,967 and I've forgiven... mostly... Charlie... you. 63 00:02:57,035 --> 00:02:59,537 Charlie. Dork. 64 00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:02,809 Yeah. Got it. You, not letting go... ever. 65 00:03:02,877 --> 00:03:04,277 Take foot off neck. Love you. 66 00:03:06,448 --> 00:03:09,084 Come on. He just wants to come over Sunday and watch a game with you. 67 00:03:09,152 --> 00:03:11,387 - Who wants to come over? - Your grandfather. 68 00:03:11,455 --> 00:03:13,991 Great. Why doesn't he come over more often? 69 00:03:14,059 --> 00:03:15,599 Doesn't he like us? 70 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,163 Yeah, Charlie. Why doesn't he come over more often? 71 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:18,965 I think Sam just hit it on the head. 72 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,435 He doesn't like us. 73 00:03:21,503 --> 00:03:24,439 Let's not force a frightened old man into doing something he doesn't wanna do. 74 00:03:24,507 --> 00:03:26,642 - Charlie. - All right, fine. 75 00:03:26,710 --> 00:03:29,446 He can come over on Sunday, but you gotta be there, too. 76 00:03:29,514 --> 00:03:31,615 And, you, little miss "why won't Grandpa come over," 77 00:03:31,683 --> 00:03:33,284 you want a grandpa so bad? 78 00:03:33,319 --> 00:03:35,554 You have to feed and take care of him. 79 00:03:35,621 --> 00:03:38,992 And the first time you don't, it's right back to the pound. 80 00:03:42,965 --> 00:03:44,499 Oh, Charlie. Look at you. 81 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:47,303 Putting out food for your dad. That's so sweet. 82 00:03:47,371 --> 00:03:49,172 No, this isn't sweet. 83 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,777 This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough. No mayo, no oil. 84 00:03:52,844 --> 00:03:55,347 This is the driest, chewiest sandwich you can get. 85 00:03:57,417 --> 00:03:59,385 He can't chew and talk. 86 00:03:59,453 --> 00:04:01,721 That is three feet of golden silence. 87 00:04:03,792 --> 00:04:06,962 - Hey. - Hi. Nice suit. 88 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:09,397 I thought you were coming to watch the game, but if you're here to be buried, 89 00:04:09,465 --> 00:04:13,233 - that's okay, too. - We can watch the game after mass. 90 00:04:13,301 --> 00:04:15,502 Why aren't you dressed? You know, mass starts in half an hour. 91 00:04:17,204 --> 00:04:19,071 Well, you told me you go to mass every week. 92 00:04:19,139 --> 00:04:21,807 - You weren't lying about that, were you? - No, of course not. 93 00:04:21,875 --> 00:04:24,176 I... I go every Sunday. 94 00:04:24,244 --> 00:04:27,212 Thank God, because if you didn't, it would kill your grandmother. 95 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:29,214 - Grandma's dead. - Yeah, I know, 96 00:04:29,282 --> 00:04:31,982 but I still like to remember the things that would kill her. 97 00:04:32,050 --> 00:04:34,086 Hey, girls. Let's get started. 98 00:04:34,153 --> 00:04:36,224 I don't wanna walk in late like I own the joint. 99 00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:38,727 Okay, Sam. Go put on your fancy 100 00:04:38,795 --> 00:04:41,430 going-to-church outfit like we do every Sunday. 101 00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,499 - But, Dad, we don't... - Hey, blessed be the shut up. Get dressed. 102 00:04:54,408 --> 00:04:56,141 It's a beautiful church, Charlie. 103 00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:58,009 Yeah, it is. 104 00:04:58,077 --> 00:05:00,778 I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded. 105 00:05:00,846 --> 00:05:03,380 No, no, no. He's great. 106 00:05:03,447 --> 00:05:05,548 His sermons are very insightful. 107 00:05:05,616 --> 00:05:07,984 I find myself hanging on his every word. 108 00:05:11,087 --> 00:05:11,987 Buenos dias. 109 00:05:35,775 --> 00:05:38,810 So, Charlie. You say you come here every week? 110 00:05:38,878 --> 00:05:40,278 Si. 111 00:05:40,286 --> 00:05:53,352 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com. 112 00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:56,543 I'm a grown man. I don't need to explain myself to you. 113 00:05:56,611 --> 00:05:58,562 It's not about me. 114 00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:01,272 Your daughter needs a religious upbringing, Charlie. 115 00:06:01,339 --> 00:06:03,391 She needs a moral compass. 116 00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:05,144 I'm sorry. I'm still reeling from "It's not about me." 117 00:06:07,097 --> 00:06:10,342 Look, I know what you want, but I'm not gonna force Catholicism on Sam 118 00:06:10,377 --> 00:06:12,228 - like you forced it on me. - Oh, please. 119 00:06:12,296 --> 00:06:14,681 Then why did you even bother having her baptized in the first place? 120 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,226 I have a good answer for that. 121 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,112 Sam was never baptized. 122 00:06:20,874 --> 00:06:22,492 I thought it was good. 123 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,438 She was never baptized? 124 00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,090 So you lied about that, too. 125 00:06:27,158 --> 00:06:29,376 I tell ya lots of lies, Dad... 126 00:06:29,444 --> 00:06:31,463 "Good to see ya," "Happy birthday," "Drive safe." 127 00:06:31,530 --> 00:06:33,975 Okay, enough. Look, we're gonna deal with this right now. 128 00:06:34,042 --> 00:06:35,927 You're having Sam baptized, period. 129 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:38,180 - That's it. - No, I'm not. 130 00:06:38,247 --> 00:06:40,299 Sam is gonna choose her own religion 131 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,118 when she's old enough to make a mature decision. 132 00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:44,238 I'm only gonna say this once... stay out of it. 133 00:06:44,305 --> 00:06:47,317 Don't you understand? If you don't have that girl baptized... God forbid, 134 00:06:47,384 --> 00:06:49,469 but she could end up in hell and it'd be all your fault. 135 00:06:49,537 --> 00:06:52,973 Charlie, I told you, the women you're dating are way too young. 136 00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:55,493 Michael, are you Catholic by any chance? 137 00:06:55,561 --> 00:06:57,245 I'm a pretty good Catholic. 138 00:06:57,313 --> 00:06:59,598 For a Baptist. 139 00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:00,850 I'm a better Catholic than Charlie. 140 00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:03,069 I think it's damn selfish of you, son. 141 00:07:03,137 --> 00:07:05,588 After all, you were baptized and received first communion. 142 00:07:05,656 --> 00:07:07,900 Now you're leaving your own daughter high and dry like this. 143 00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:10,119 I think it's just plain disgraceful. 144 00:07:10,187 --> 00:07:11,870 Would you give me an amen on that, Michael? 145 00:07:11,938 --> 00:07:13,689 Don't give him an amen on that. 146 00:07:13,757 --> 00:07:16,769 Your kid's not baptized? What, are you nuts? 147 00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:20,291 - Thanks, Mike. - Seriously, it takes, like, five minutes 148 00:07:20,359 --> 00:07:22,198 and it protects her soul for eternity. 149 00:07:22,266 --> 00:07:24,509 Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern. 150 00:07:24,543 --> 00:07:26,419 Especially coming from a guy with a lifetime membership 151 00:07:26,486 --> 00:07:29,189 to Adult Friend Finder. 152 00:07:29,257 --> 00:07:31,597 But my daughter is not gonna get kicked out of heaven... 153 00:07:31,665 --> 00:07:34,330 if there is one... on a technicality. 154 00:07:34,398 --> 00:07:37,600 - If there is one? - I know we raised him better than that. 155 00:07:39,702 --> 00:07:41,904 Look, it's my kid. Everyone just back off. 156 00:07:41,971 --> 00:07:43,727 All right, fine. I won't interfere in trying 157 00:07:43,740 --> 00:07:45,507 to help save my granddaughter's soul. 158 00:07:45,575 --> 00:07:47,242 God forbid. Sorry. 159 00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:48,843 God... if there is one... forbid. 160 00:07:50,813 --> 00:07:53,614 Nice one, sir. 161 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,783 I mean it. This is my house, these are my rules. 162 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,952 Michael, I don't like this new kid you're hanging out with. 163 00:08:00,254 --> 00:08:02,223 Doesn't he have any friends his own age? 164 00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:08,330 So I dropped Sateen off and my mom starts in on me. 165 00:08:08,398 --> 00:08:10,565 When are you gonna marry a nice Hindu boy? 166 00:08:10,633 --> 00:08:14,369 And I said, "When a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers." 167 00:08:14,437 --> 00:08:17,305 Right now I'm all about giant black millionaires. 168 00:08:18,641 --> 00:08:20,309 Let me ask you this, Lacey. 169 00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:23,745 Is this anger about rejecting your parents' religious values 170 00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:27,482 or is it just another manifestation of your Kardashian envy? 171 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:31,085 Oh, it's not envy when you're better than somebody. 172 00:08:31,153 --> 00:08:33,153 Hey, you're a Hindu. 173 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:37,223 Tell your mom you'll do what she wants in your next life. 174 00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:38,980 You'll be a raccoon, she'll be a bird or something. 175 00:08:38,993 --> 00:08:40,692 She can't hold you to it. 176 00:08:43,196 --> 00:08:45,430 Congratulations, Ed. You just created a new category... 177 00:08:45,464 --> 00:08:46,798 metaphysical racism. 178 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,134 Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits 179 00:08:50,202 --> 00:08:52,569 between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam, 180 00:08:52,637 --> 00:08:54,805 but your daughter's here and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding. 181 00:08:54,872 --> 00:08:57,107 Oh, my God. 182 00:08:57,174 --> 00:08:59,375 Sam, what happened? You okay? 183 00:08:59,443 --> 00:09:01,077 - I'm fine. - Just barely. 184 00:09:01,145 --> 00:09:03,946 Some lunatic ran a stop sign and forced her bicycle into a mailbox. 185 00:09:04,014 --> 00:09:05,981 I was just walking up when the guy pulled away. 186 00:09:06,048 --> 00:09:07,849 She could've been killed, Charlie. 187 00:09:07,916 --> 00:09:09,683 Come on, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen. 188 00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:12,152 Sorry, guys. I'll see ya next Tuesday. 189 00:09:12,186 --> 00:09:14,354 Damn fool was probably texting. 190 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,954 If anything happened to that girl, I'd never forgive myself. 191 00:09:17,022 --> 00:09:19,623 Forgive yourself for what? You weren't involved. 192 00:09:19,657 --> 00:09:22,858 Yeah, well, there's a big problem between Charlie and me. 193 00:09:22,926 --> 00:09:25,160 My granddaughter's never been baptized. 194 00:09:25,228 --> 00:09:28,697 Christ on a pony, why the hell not?! 195 00:09:28,765 --> 00:09:31,967 - What the hell's the matter with your boy? - There's a long list. 196 00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:33,969 He's selfish, he thinks he knows everything, 197 00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:36,405 he's got his mother's hips, and he's agnostic. 198 00:09:36,472 --> 00:09:38,338 Agnostic? 199 00:09:38,373 --> 00:09:40,373 How can anybody doubt God 200 00:09:40,441 --> 00:09:42,309 when they've seen a picture of Angie Dickinson? 201 00:09:42,376 --> 00:09:44,410 Amen. 202 00:09:44,478 --> 00:09:47,346 I know I said I wouldn't interfere, but God just fired a warning shot 203 00:09:47,414 --> 00:09:49,448 and I gotta figure out a way to have her baptized. 204 00:09:49,515 --> 00:09:52,584 I'll tell you what we'd do in my church back in Texas. 205 00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:55,020 We'd wait till they went to sleep, put a bag over their head, 206 00:09:55,088 --> 00:09:56,856 throw 'em in the back of the truck, drive 'em to the river, 207 00:09:56,924 --> 00:09:59,260 and let the preacher hold 'em under for a minute. 208 00:09:59,327 --> 00:10:01,563 That sounds a little radical, Ed. 209 00:10:01,631 --> 00:10:03,965 Radical, hell, it's terrifying, 210 00:10:04,032 --> 00:10:06,801 but they'll thank ya in paradise. 211 00:10:06,869 --> 00:10:09,503 Well, I guess I could sneak around. 212 00:10:09,571 --> 00:10:11,204 Thanks for the advice, Ed. 213 00:10:11,272 --> 00:10:14,207 I used to get $10 a head doing that back home. 214 00:10:14,275 --> 00:10:16,542 I'd go down to the bus station, scoop 'em up... 215 00:10:16,610 --> 00:10:18,877 You sure that was for baptisms? 216 00:10:18,945 --> 00:10:21,379 'Cause it sounds like you were trying to drown illegals. 217 00:10:21,447 --> 00:10:23,380 No, no. It was baptism... 218 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,381 Wait a minute. 219 00:10:25,449 --> 00:10:27,117 No, no. It was baptism. 220 00:10:27,184 --> 00:10:29,818 Okay. Well, we'll see ya next week, buddy. All the best. 221 00:10:32,816 --> 00:10:34,383 - Kate? - Yeah? 222 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,585 - You didn't answer me. - About what? 223 00:10:36,652 --> 00:10:38,720 I'm busy getting your surprise ready. 224 00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:40,822 Do you think my dad has a point? 225 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,258 Was I selfish to not give Sam a religious upbringing? 226 00:10:45,495 --> 00:10:48,130 Was I rebelling because my dad shoved the Church down my throat 227 00:10:48,164 --> 00:10:50,666 and that's why Catholicism is such a turnoff to me? 228 00:10:57,207 --> 00:10:58,874 - You almost done? - Almost. 229 00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:03,479 - Must be a hell of a surprise. - Oh, it will be. 230 00:11:09,786 --> 00:11:11,587 That's my surprise? 231 00:11:11,655 --> 00:11:13,189 You're wearing my T-shirt? 232 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:15,324 What's wrong with the T-shirt? 233 00:11:17,027 --> 00:11:19,429 Nothing, nothing. It's super sexy. 234 00:11:19,496 --> 00:11:22,332 I like the way it makes your whole upper body look like a... 235 00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:25,334 hot rectangle. 236 00:11:25,402 --> 00:11:26,702 A crew neck. 237 00:11:29,139 --> 00:11:30,873 I know. I feel so dirty. 238 00:11:34,377 --> 00:11:35,710 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kate. 239 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,946 I don't wanna turn this into a whole session here, 240 00:11:38,014 --> 00:11:39,481 but I need a little advice. 241 00:11:39,549 --> 00:11:42,384 I get all dressed up like this and you just wanna talk? 242 00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:46,388 Just for a minute. 243 00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,791 Do you think my anger towards my dad's behavior 244 00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:50,192 is affecting the way I raise my kid? 245 00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:52,194 Of course it is. 246 00:11:52,262 --> 00:11:55,560 I mean, your choice is to either repeat or correct. 247 00:11:55,628 --> 00:11:58,364 The same heat that melts the butter hardens the egg. 248 00:11:59,699 --> 00:12:00,966 I want you so bad right now. 249 00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:05,670 You know, if you want your daughter 250 00:12:05,738 --> 00:12:08,740 to make an informed choice, don't wait until she's 18. 251 00:12:08,808 --> 00:12:10,742 Show her all the options now. 252 00:12:10,809 --> 00:12:13,244 Once upon a time, 253 00:12:13,311 --> 00:12:15,212 I was a vampire Goth chick. 254 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,579 Those girls have a lot of fun. 255 00:12:17,647 --> 00:12:19,448 You would've hated me back in high school. 256 00:12:19,516 --> 00:12:21,817 - I was a jock. - I would've slept with you anyhow. 257 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:25,020 - We slept with everybody. - So did we. 258 00:12:25,088 --> 00:12:28,222 Except for those losers in the Model U.N. 259 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,223 We slept with everybody. 260 00:12:36,864 --> 00:12:40,433 Wow, look at this list. We're gonna have to split this up 261 00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:43,035 if we're gonna expose Sam to all the different religions. 262 00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:45,671 I'll take Christianity 263 00:12:45,739 --> 00:12:48,572 and you take all the going-to-hell ones. 264 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,507 - We're not off to a good start here. - I'm kidding. 265 00:12:51,574 --> 00:12:54,676 I just don't know much about religions outside of Christianity. 266 00:12:54,744 --> 00:12:56,679 Me neither. 267 00:12:56,713 --> 00:12:59,248 I know Catholicism and the Native American one where you take peyote. 268 00:12:59,316 --> 00:13:01,584 And all I know about that one is that you take peyote. 269 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:06,688 You know, I always thought it would be good for her to have some religion. 270 00:13:06,756 --> 00:13:08,756 What if she picks one of ours? 271 00:13:08,824 --> 00:13:10,791 I'm comfortable with her going Protestant. 272 00:13:10,859 --> 00:13:13,460 Are you comfortable if she decides to become Catholic? 273 00:13:13,528 --> 00:13:16,096 I... I guess. I just blocked so much of it out. 274 00:13:16,164 --> 00:13:18,999 I do remember Catholic baseball camp, though. 275 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:21,235 Man, it was hard to run in those sandals. 276 00:13:21,302 --> 00:13:24,404 - They made you wear sandals? - That was just the beginning. 277 00:13:24,472 --> 00:13:27,940 Every time I stole second, I had to say an act of contrition. 278 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:31,443 - Is this thing working? - Come on, Charlie. Get serious. 279 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,250 You're right, you're right. Did you know our 280 00:13:33,263 --> 00:13:35,046 pitcher had to give a sermon on the mound? 281 00:13:36,548 --> 00:13:38,815 Hey, guys. 282 00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:42,451 Eh, Sam has something she'd like to tell ya. 283 00:13:42,519 --> 00:13:44,319 What's up, Sam? 284 00:13:44,420 --> 00:13:47,689 I... got baptized. 285 00:13:47,757 --> 00:13:50,726 - You what?! - Hang on, son. 286 00:13:50,794 --> 00:13:52,728 This was entirely her own choice. 287 00:13:52,796 --> 00:13:54,897 We were talking about God and spirituality 288 00:13:54,965 --> 00:13:56,699 and the importance of being a good person, 289 00:13:56,766 --> 00:13:59,902 and I said the only way I know how to do that is to become a Catholic. 290 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,371 Dad, what did we talk about? 291 00:14:02,439 --> 00:14:04,507 My granddaughter came to me and said, 292 00:14:04,574 --> 00:14:08,077 "I'd like to be baptized, Grandpa." What was I supposed to say, no? 293 00:14:08,145 --> 00:14:09,451 Yes. 294 00:14:09,464 --> 00:14:10,780 Oh, you wouldn't say that if you'd been there. 295 00:14:10,848 --> 00:14:13,515 Look, I got some pictures on the cell phone here. 296 00:14:13,583 --> 00:14:16,051 Look, Martin. We're Sam's parents, okay? 297 00:14:16,119 --> 00:14:18,987 It's not your right to... oh, she's an angel. 298 00:14:22,892 --> 00:14:25,060 - Who the hell are those people? - Oh, those are the godparents. 299 00:14:25,128 --> 00:14:27,362 Carmen and Angel. When you meet 'em, you'll love 'em. 300 00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:33,282 Look, Sam. Your mom and I don't want you 301 00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:35,717 to be rushed into anything or talked into anything. 302 00:14:35,785 --> 00:14:38,353 So let's start by going down to that church and returning your baptism. 303 00:14:38,387 --> 00:14:41,022 You can do that, right? 304 00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:43,690 I think it's too late. She's dry. 305 00:14:45,359 --> 00:14:47,927 Don't be mad at Grandpa. I'm really happy I did this. 306 00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:49,762 But you didn't look at any other options. 307 00:14:49,830 --> 00:14:51,930 Yeah, and I just found this cool dumpling place 308 00:14:51,965 --> 00:14:55,167 next to the Buddhist temple downtown. 309 00:14:55,201 --> 00:14:57,336 What's wrong with being Catholic? Her family's Catholic. 310 00:14:58,972 --> 00:15:01,541 I don't like her family. 311 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,343 They got pork, they got shrimp, everything. 312 00:15:04,411 --> 00:15:07,379 It has a C on the window, but it looks clean inside. 313 00:15:09,383 --> 00:15:11,684 You know, Dad, you could come to church with us. 314 00:15:11,752 --> 00:15:15,152 - I don't want you to go to hell. - Are you happy? 315 00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:17,887 My own daughter doesn't want me to go to hell. 316 00:15:17,954 --> 00:15:20,855 All right. You wanna go to church, fine. 317 00:15:20,923 --> 00:15:23,891 Let's do this the right way. I want you to know what you're getting into. 318 00:15:23,959 --> 00:15:26,226 So, I'm gonna go with you. 319 00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:28,295 Lord, talk about mysterious ways. 320 00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,897 My son and my granddaughter wanna go to mass with me. 321 00:15:30,965 --> 00:15:33,499 Hallelujah, I am truly blessed. 322 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:35,534 Hey, Pope Piehole III. 323 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,572 Why don't you give the Children's Crusade a rest? 324 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:44,042 I'm taking my daughter to church... without you. 325 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,276 Then I'm taking her to a synagogue, a mosque, and a Buddhist temple. 326 00:15:47,311 --> 00:15:49,312 And then that dumpling place right next door. 327 00:15:49,379 --> 00:15:50,546 Be crazy not to go. 328 00:15:53,749 --> 00:15:55,383 See these plaques? 329 00:15:55,451 --> 00:15:57,251 Those are called the Stations of the Cross. 330 00:15:57,319 --> 00:15:59,320 If you follow the story all the way around the church, 331 00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:00,621 you'll find out what happened to 'em. 332 00:16:00,689 --> 00:16:02,656 Oh, this one right here. 333 00:16:02,724 --> 00:16:04,892 That's where the Romans nailed Jesus to the cross. 334 00:16:04,959 --> 00:16:07,460 Oh, my God. Where were the Catholics during all this? 335 00:16:09,163 --> 00:16:11,631 Interesting question. There were no Catholics. 336 00:16:11,699 --> 00:16:16,001 - What? - Sam, did you know that Jesus was Jewish? 337 00:16:16,069 --> 00:16:18,803 Whoa. He converted to Christianity? 338 00:16:20,706 --> 00:16:22,773 Why don't we just watch for a while? 339 00:16:22,841 --> 00:16:25,709 Oh, look at the pretty glass up in that window. 340 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,610 Hey, Charlie. 341 00:16:27,645 --> 00:16:30,312 What the hell are you doing here? I told you to back off. 342 00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,481 I didn't know you were going to the 9:00 mass, 343 00:16:32,548 --> 00:16:35,850 but, hey, I can leave if my son doesn't want me to practice my faith. 344 00:16:35,918 --> 00:16:37,986 No, no, no. Just sit down and shut up. 345 00:16:38,054 --> 00:16:39,587 - Dad. - I'm sorry. We're in church. 346 00:16:39,655 --> 00:16:41,323 Please, sit down and please shut up. 347 00:16:45,727 --> 00:16:49,562 - If you have any questions, just ask me. - I have a question. 348 00:16:49,630 --> 00:16:53,632 How many angels can dance on the head of an unconscious old man? 349 00:16:53,699 --> 00:16:56,267 Speaking of angels. 350 00:16:56,335 --> 00:16:58,703 As promised, there you are, young lady. 351 00:16:58,771 --> 00:17:00,938 - What is that? - Saint Christopher medal. 352 00:17:01,006 --> 00:17:03,407 It's to keep me safe while I ride my bike. 353 00:17:03,475 --> 00:17:05,976 Oh, cool. Does it come with a reflector Jesus? 354 00:17:07,779 --> 00:17:11,614 Dad, you know Sam has OCD, 355 00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,315 so loading her up with a bunch of good luck charms... 356 00:17:13,383 --> 00:17:15,084 probably not the best idea in the world. 357 00:17:15,151 --> 00:17:17,519 But that's why I wanted to be Catholic. 358 00:17:17,587 --> 00:17:19,693 What? 359 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,822 Catholicism is perfect for a kid with OCD. 360 00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:23,824 She can light candles for her problems, 361 00:17:23,892 --> 00:17:25,926 she can go to confession when she gets worried, 362 00:17:25,994 --> 00:17:29,293 and when she feels compelled to count, she can do it on her rosary. 363 00:17:29,361 --> 00:17:31,395 - She doesn't have a rosary. - She does now. 364 00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,533 Sam. 365 00:17:40,804 --> 00:17:44,040 You used her OCD so you could get her to become a Catholic? 366 00:17:44,107 --> 00:17:47,109 - You selfish bastard. - I saved her soul and honor thy Father, 367 00:17:47,177 --> 00:17:49,545 you arrogant son of a... 368 00:17:49,612 --> 00:17:51,747 me. 369 00:17:51,815 --> 00:17:55,684 Don't you get it? You sent a diabetic to the candy store. 370 00:17:55,752 --> 00:17:58,220 You know what? You are out of my life again. 371 00:17:58,288 --> 00:18:01,256 You can keep me out of your life, but you can't keep me out of hers. 372 00:18:01,324 --> 00:18:03,392 And keep your voice down, you're setting a bad example. 373 00:18:03,459 --> 00:18:05,327 Oh, I'm setting a bad example? 374 00:18:05,395 --> 00:18:07,129 You used a necklace to bribe 375 00:18:07,196 --> 00:18:09,397 a 15-year-old girl to get her to do what you want 376 00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:10,798 and I'm the bad guy? 377 00:18:15,905 --> 00:18:17,171 Hola. 378 00:18:21,678 --> 00:18:23,746 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 379 00:18:23,813 --> 00:18:25,915 It's been almost... 380 00:18:25,983 --> 00:18:28,384 30 years since my last confession. 381 00:18:28,451 --> 00:18:30,920 You've been leading a very righteous life, my son. 382 00:18:30,988 --> 00:18:33,657 Eh, no. 383 00:18:33,724 --> 00:18:35,892 But I need your help, Father. 384 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:39,362 I want you to tell my daughter that she's come to the church for the wrong reasons. 385 00:18:39,430 --> 00:18:42,299 There's no such thing as the wrong reason. 386 00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:44,402 Yeah, forgive me, Father, but as a kid, 387 00:18:44,469 --> 00:18:47,972 I used to come here to see girls on their knees with their tongues out. 388 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,909 Okay... 389 00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:53,044 that may be a new "Hail Mary" record 390 00:18:53,112 --> 00:18:55,247 you've got there. 391 00:18:55,348 --> 00:18:57,949 Look, my daughter was tricked. 392 00:18:58,017 --> 00:18:59,985 She's got OCD and she's only here because 393 00:19:00,053 --> 00:19:03,822 she's attracted to all the trinkets and the rituals and the saints. 394 00:19:03,890 --> 00:19:07,059 So, she's attracted to the Catholicism. 395 00:19:07,127 --> 00:19:09,395 Okay, you're not hearing me here. 396 00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:12,899 My son, God brings people to the church 397 00:19:12,966 --> 00:19:15,169 in many different ways. 398 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:17,139 Yeah, so did my dad. 399 00:19:17,207 --> 00:19:21,178 By the ear, by the arm, by the neck. 400 00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:23,914 Thank God I found the girls. He was running out of things to grab. 401 00:19:26,984 --> 00:19:29,286 Father, can you at least smite my dad? 402 00:19:32,023 --> 00:19:36,058 I'm sorry, but the church is here for everyone. 403 00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:39,521 Now, is there anything you'd like to confess? 404 00:19:39,588 --> 00:19:42,190 No, I think I'm good. 405 00:19:42,257 --> 00:19:43,858 Oh... 406 00:19:43,926 --> 00:19:45,861 this morning in church, 407 00:19:45,929 --> 00:19:48,063 I might have called my dad a child molester. 408 00:19:48,131 --> 00:19:49,965 Yes, we heard you. 409 00:19:56,672 --> 00:19:59,573 - So Sam is staying Catholic? - Oh, yeah, she loves it. 410 00:19:59,641 --> 00:20:02,576 Now I can't kill my dad because that would make him a martyr 411 00:20:02,610 --> 00:20:04,578 and she'd walk around for the rest of her life 412 00:20:04,646 --> 00:20:07,146 wearing a necklace with his face on it. 413 00:20:07,214 --> 00:20:10,582 Since that's the fourth time you've mentioned killing your father, 414 00:20:10,650 --> 00:20:14,019 I'm guessing you two still have some unresolved issues to work out? 415 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,188 Oh, no. They're resolved. 416 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:18,391 I told him he's not allowed at my house anymore. 417 00:20:18,458 --> 00:20:19,959 Where is he now? 418 00:20:20,027 --> 00:20:22,428 He's at my house. 419 00:20:22,496 --> 00:20:26,366 Let me guess, Catholic guilt? 420 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,768 With all of the religious talk going on, 421 00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:32,005 I thought it was important for somebody to represent the other side. 422 00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:35,643 Is this gonna cost me my soul? 423 00:20:35,710 --> 00:20:40,014 No, you just have to be ready to keep going for eternity. 424 00:20:40,082 --> 00:20:42,717 I'm... I'm good for now, but seriously, I have to get to work tomorrow. 425 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:57,992 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.