Coming!
Here's your daughter. I'm done with her.
Turns out I'm stupid, and I don't get it, and I never will.
Wait a minute. When I dropped her off at your house,
I was stupid, I don't get it, and I never will.
Man, just when you think you're special.
You're both horrible, horrible people.
Is that an upgrade from stupid?
You mind if I check the score of the game?
I don't mind, but you might want to bolt.
Your ex-girlfriend Lori is in the kitchen.
Wait a minute. "No birth control" Lori?
That didn't catch on, so she just goes by Lori now.
Don't worry about it. We're fine.
Even though she thinks psychotherapy is a scam,
I really liked her.
So what are you guys up to?
We're working on a new business.
- Cofftea. - Cofftea?
Are you tired of having to decide
between having a cup of coffee or a cup of tea?
No.
I know, I can never decide either.
Just brew-steep up a fresh pot-kettle
of coffee-flavored tea and you can have both.
How's that sound?
Like I'd rather live with painful indecisiveness.
Jen, there's a problem.
The pot-kettle's acting weird and it isn't brew-steeping.
Then you better get back in there before it starts fire-smoking.
I knew I shouldn't have listened to that stupid Korean woman at the nail shop.
If it's such a sure thing, why is she still scrubbing feet?
Hey, Charlie.
Thanks.
This is such a weird coincidence.
I was just thinking about calling you the other day.
But you can't use the phone
when the moon is in the second phase of Capricorn?
No, I just didn't like how we left everything.
I shouldn't have scared you off
by saying I didn't believe in birth control.
Oh, don't beat yourself up. There was a lot more to it than that.
Uh... Like what?
If you won't let me lie, I can't make you feel better.
I think I just said that as a defense mechanism
because I have a fear of intimacy.
Defense mechanism? Fear of intimacy?
Sounds like someone is changing their mind about therapy.
Well, I did read a "Psychology Today"
while I was waiting to be fitted for my new diaphragm.
Fitted? I thought those things were just kind of off the rack.
Aw, Mr. Goodson, you have so much to learn.
How about I come over Wednesday
and give you some private tutoring?
You mean sex, right?
'Cause the last time a woman offered me private tutoring,
there was a huge misunderstanding.
I wound up learning calculus.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com
It's called Coffee.
Oh, my God.
How come Jen never invents... oh, my God! There's an aftertaste.
You think it's gone... but it's not.
That's the tea.
Remember Lori?
You mean "the romantic girl of your dreams"
"except she was a lunatic" Lori?
Yeah, that didn't catch on. She's just going by Lori now.
Her and I are gonna give it another shot.
So it would probably make sense for us to put our thing on hold.
Look, I have no problem honoring our agreement
but you've already tried capturing this unicorn,
which I'm sure she also believes in, and failed.
So why can't you just be happy with our amazing arrangement?
I am, but you know that I want more...
Jen, you've got to make a big cup for Kate.
She's gonna love it.
I've got to start group.
- Hey, Kate. - Hey, Jen.
No time for Coffee. I'm on my way out.
Okay. Oh, hey, don't forget
we've still got to do that girls' night out.
Just let me know when you're ready.
Does this girls' night out involve picking up guys?
If it doesn't, I don't know why we're going.
Great.
Then I'm ready. How about tomorrow?
It's loaded with guys. There's a guitar store down the street
and a fire station next door.
Good, because I am not looking for anything deep or meaningful.
No, if you want deep and meaningful,
Everything's a negotiation, but it's worth it.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to walk here.
Why? I thought you were driving everywhere
because you sold advertising space on your car.
I was. I just ran out of gas.
Well, Vagisil is really getting their money's worth today.
Lacey, anything you'd like to share?
Yeah, I'm sick of guys misrepresenting themselves as rich.
But instead of getting stuck in anger,
It's a website for women who want to date rich guys only.
For sure.
Lacey, you are a horrible judge of character and this isn't going to help.
Instead of picking losers in gin-soaked bars,
you'll be picking losers in your gin-soaked home.
Hey, that is so... true.
I just want what everyone else wants...
You just don't know what to look for.
I bet I can get on that site and I can find you a great guy like that.
I'll bet you 100 bucks that I can do it better than you.
I don't care nothing about Lacey, but I just like gambling.
Oh, please. Like you guys know me better than me.
I spend all day thinking about me.
You spend, like, what, maybe two or three hours a day thinking about me.
Messes with the average.
About what we need than we are.
As soon as I get my Vagisil check,
I will pay everybody $20 not to do this.
Okay, so here's the plan. I'll give each of you my password,
you pretend you're me, and whoever picks the best catch wins.
Remember, guys, everything you put on the Internet stays there forever.
So when you represent Lacey online, be very careful to protect her dignity.
Yes, please. Oh, and by the way,
if the guy is worth more than 10 million,
that unlocks a private photo gallery of racy photos
of me in the desert doing stuff on a car.
Okay, so dignity is not an issue.
Let's just not give out her home address.
So, was that okay?
Super?
Really?
I'm just quiet. Is that okay?
I love quiet.
And the quiet went perfectly with the not moving.
Oh, don't you worry about me. I am great.
I just want you to enjoy yourself.
See, here's the thing.
A big part of my good time is knowing that you're having a good time.
Then you just had one of the best sexual experiences
of your life, buddy.
Oh, good.
Thanks for letting me know.
I'm telling you, this woman has got it all.
She's smart, funny, and when I got her into bed...
Tell me everything. Don't spare a detail.
It was horrible.
Like building Ikea furniture
without the fun or sense of accomplishment.
Wow, I did not see that coming.
I didn't either and I was there.
Well, sorry to hear that.
And sort of secretly happy.
I thought she was just nervous the first time.
We've gone a couple more rounds and nothing's changed.
- So what are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I mean, can a relationship survive if the sex is bad?
Sure, it can limp along for years before you're divorced,
living alone, playing pool with your neighbor
and listening to him complain about bad sex
with a stone-cold fox.
So that would be a no.
A sad, sad no.
I've got to break up with her and I am not looking forward to it.
Just tell her during sex. That way she won't have a reaction.
It's got to be weird. So many fires happen at night.
You probably save a lot of women that are half dressed.
Just throw them over your shoulder and take them back to your place.
Pardon me?
I mean, the hospital.
How about you call me and we'll talk about it?
I got a fireman's number.
Let me guess, 9-1-1?
- Are you okay? - No.
I am not okay.
Guys have been all over you since we walked in
and not one guy has hit on me.
I think maybe I just need someplace
that's a little more sophisticated like an art gallery.
Come on, the night's young.
Give it another chance.
- Hey. - Oh, hi.
- No, it's all yours. - Thanks.
One second.
Thursday at an art gallery.
Show me your rich guys.
My rich guy is the son of a shipping magnate
and has accomplished absolutely nothing on his own.
He just runs around the world spending his parents' money.
Ooh, let me see. Oh!
One day, he hopes to settle down and enroll in DJ school.
Follow that, Edward Shakyhands.
My young feller selflessly gives back to his community.
This former New Jersey state trooper
was decorated twice for valor.
Why are you still talking?
Why?
Because Deputy Dipstick here
slipped on a grape in a supermarket
and won a lawsuit for $30 million.
Ta-ra-ra-boom, you're gay.
This is very close. Nolan, you're up.
This devil-may-care rapscallion plays by his own rules.
He's handsome and debonair.
This young man boasts assets that include but are not limited to
his own car.
No. I'm going with Patrick's.
Please go out with him. I'm begging you.
You could keep the $100. That's how rich he is.
Coming.
- Hi. - Lori.
What are you doing here? I thought we were gonna meet at the restaurant.
I know, but my psychic said
that you had a big surprise for me and I couldn't wait.
Are we going somewhere?
I'm not.
Look, Lori, don't seem great right away,
but they turn out terrific.
For example, the Titanic hits an iceberg.
Terrible surprise, couple years later, box office gold.
Are you breaking up with me?
I'm sorry, Lori.
I think you're fantastic.
It's just I don't think we have very good chemistry in bed.
I'm not saying that sex is the only thing, but...
But it is what's breaking us up.
Well, that and the religious differences.
We don't have any religious differences.
Well, then, yeah, it's the sex.
Why? Because I don't make noises
and thrash around like some kind of animal?
Well, you don't have to make it sound so base, but yes.
You know what?
I haven't had any complaints.
Have you had any compliments?
Uh, have you?
Hey, hey, I can show you taped testimonials.
You're a pig.
Hey, at least a pig grunts every now and again.
- Screw you. - Screw you.
- I'd love to. - Are you serious?
Yes!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told you how great the sex was.
No, it's okay. We're in session.
I am not bothered by the "volume of the noises",
your college-like turgidity,"
or that at one point you had "an out-of-body experience."
Well, to be fair, that was just for a second.
We were changing positions.
What I'm concerned about is that you're going out with a woman
who's only able to have good sex when she's angry.
That's not true. The anger just unlocked her passion.
She's incredibly inhibited and our fight gave her permission
to get in touch with herself,
which at one point she did while I watched.
Charlie, don't you see that there's a problem?
Yeah, I see that there's a problem. You.
For the first time in a while, I'm in a promising relationship
and, surprise, you find something wrong with it.
I am not jealous.
So if you think that I am sitting home alone
not getting hit on by firemen and musicians,
rest assured that that is not the case.
Wait a minute. Firemen? Musicians?
You went to El Tostada with Jen.
I go for the food.
Ed, I need your rich loser's number.
Too late. He's gone.
I kept him hanging pretty good, though.
I made some promises that you ought to be ashamed of.
Well, Patrick's guy stood me up.
Oh, hey, Lacey.
What happened? I thought you had this all lined up.
He is, just not for you.
How do you know?
Because I figured I would meet him.
You know, screen him for you.
But, you know, one thing led to another
and suffice it to say he's fully screened.
You slept with my rich guy?
A little.
So what was he doing on the straight dating site?
His mom put him up there.
Look, Lacey, you have no future with this guy.
Well, how do you know? Maybe he goes both ways.
Oh, he does go both ways, just not with women.
See? This is way more my scene.
I know.
- Oh, hi. - Hey.
- Hi. - Really great show tonight, huh?
Hey, Mr. Face.
You just walked right by me.
Am I... I mean, what... something wrong with me?
Am I not worthy of your time? Am I not hot enough?
Yeah, you're damn right I am. So what's your problem?
You just give off a vibe like you're with somebody.
But if you're not, I can understand why.
Did you just hear that? He said I was putting off a vibe.
I am not putting off a vibe. Do you think I'm putting off a vibe?
I don't know. Are you seeing someone?
No. I mean, I was sleeping with somebody,
but we're not even doing that anymore.
If the vibe is still there.
Are you done with him?
I've got to lose this vibe.
Hi.
So what do you say we go back to my place
and have a couple drinks and whatever happens happens?
And I think you know what's gonna happen.
Sex.
Oh, you are so hot.
Oh, thanks.
I'm gonna rip this shirt off with my teeth.
Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
I just got this. Do you like it?
I am on fire. Keep going.
Are you sure? Doesn't feel like you're on fire.
Oh, I am. Grr.
You know what?
I hate the way you laugh.
What?
Yeah, it's one of the worst sounds I've ever heard.
And I spent a summer working in a slaughterhouse.
- Why are you being so mean? - Why are you being so sensitive?
- I'm not. - And defensive.
I don't understand what's going on with you.
'Cause you're not very bright.
You are such a jerk.
That's what I'm talking about.
- Say my name. - Screw you.
Screw you.
I want you so bad!
Ahh!
I am so turned on right now.
- I know, that's the problem. - Not for me.
Lori, we need to have a serious talk.
Oh, my God, do you want me or not?
Okay, but then after, we have to have a serious talk.
Okay.
I'm sorry. We can't do this.
You're turned on by anger and it's just not healthy.
I'm not angry.
I'm just aroused, you dumb-ass.
There are no Valentine's Day cards that start, "You dumb-ass."
Ugh, are we doing this or aren't we?
We aren't.
I really care about you, sweetie, but, well, you need therapy.
I'll tell you what. I'll talk to my astrologer
and if she says the stars are aligned,
I'll ask my psychic to see if my spirit guide Great.
So they can help me turn this table back over?
I hope you don't have a heart condition.
'Cause you are about to spend one wild night
with a single, unattached, unencumbered woman.
No baggage, free as a bird.
Yup, there's not a man, not one.
Not a man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're starting to scare me a little bit here.
No, no, no. I'm just saying there's no one else.
- It's just you and me. - Yeah?
Uh, no. Not the bed.
Right, not the bed. Where?
- Uh, maybe the chair. - Yeah, chair's good.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, get on the floor.
- No. - Bathroom? Kitchen?
It's the who.
I'm sorry. I am kind of involved.
I mean, not involved.
I mean, technically, there's no guy,
- but there's a guy. - I get it.
How about the roof?
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com