It's all your fault, charlie!
I wish I'd never met you!
- I'm sorry, lindsay. - No-- god.
I guess I'm just worried that robots will take over
Because they think humans are a bunch of easily distracted idiots.
And why don't you ever have donuts?
Yeah, let's get some donuts in here.
You're not here for donuts. You're here to get help with your anger.
Seriously, charlie, get some of those little powdered ones.
I love to lick the powder off
And then give the rest to the homeless.
Well, remember you're modeling my dress at design school next week
And right now, you fit into it perfectly,
So you can't gain an ounce.
The only thing you're allowed to do
Is lick some homeless guy's donut.
Okay, for the love of god, would somebody please say something
That will take our minds off of what we're all thinking?
I will. According to tmz,
Lindsay lohan's gonna have an anger management therapist
On the set of her new commercial.
Apparently, they're afraid she's gonna lose it.
What in the hell is the matter with all these stupid celebrities
Who can't control themselves?
Why are you yelling at me? How the hell would I know?
Yeah, charlie only deals with regular people.
For movie stars, they bring in super qualified guys
Who realknow what they're doing.
Hey, hey, hey.
I am qualified to treat anybody.
I just can't always tell you guys who all my patients are.
And for the record, I think it would be healthy for lindsay to have me.
I mean, somebody like me--
Who am I kidding? It's me.
Oh, my god! You're gonna be lindsay lohan's therapist?
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
- You're a disgrace. - Charlie: Okay, look, look.
Lindsay's doing this big japanese commercial and her people contacted me
About being there for her in case she needs my help.
Now I'm asking you all to be very discreet about this.
And send.
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Hi. I'm lindsay lohan.
And I love the taste of alcohol.
But sometimes bars close.
So how am I gonna get that taste until they're open again?
Thank you, booze bear.
♪1 happy whiskey chew.
Yes, chewing!
There's no alcohol in it, so I won't get drunk.
But I still might wake up with a stranger.
Now I'm having sex with a bear?
Are you kidding me? -- Really?!
Cut.
What's wrong here? We're gonna fall behind schedule.
Would you give us a second, please? - Fine.
But if she's not back on set in five minutes
Doing exactly what's on these pages, she's in breach of contract.
Sure, we wouldn't want to jeopardize the good name
And artistic vision of #1 happy whiskey chew.
Look, I know you're probably gonna think I'm some whiney,
Spoiled actress, but they changed the script on me.
So they added that super creepy bear with the antlers?
Because that's pure nightmare stuff right there.
All I agreed to do was dress up like a japanese schoolgirl
And now I'm some drunk who has sex with bears for gum.
- Are we ready? - No.
This is humiliating and insulting and I don't wanna do it.
Hey, goodson, I thought it was supposed to be your job to make her happy?
Okay.
Then this should make her happy,
I agree with her. She's right.
You lied to her. Her anger is totally justified.
You lied to her and you're exploiting her to sell gum.
Which, by the way, I tasted...
And I think is about the greatest thing ever.
That being said, still, if I were her, I'd--
Sorry, I'd tell you to go to hell.
I like you.
Go to hell.
No, no, no, no.
I said if I were you.
You are you. I think we should take a minute and think this through.
No, no, no. This feels right.
You know, when they hired you, I was kind of upset.
But I think you're exactly what I need.
An enabler?
No, you seem like a good, normal guy.
Not one of those hollywood party boys.
Douchebags.
- I hate those guys. - Yeah.
You know what, charlie?
I'm trying to break my old, destructive habits
And I think you're just the guy to help me.
That must have been pretty exciting for you.
Considering who I am and all.
No, seriously, I never thought I'd sleep with a movie star.
Yeah.
And I never thought I'd be sleeping with a therapist from the valley.
I think we're saying two different things.
Yeah, I think we are.
Hey, charlie.
I brought over some more empty bottles for sam's recycling project.
- These are from last night. - Wow.
Somebody's got really serious about his alcoholism.
Oh, no. Those are from my book club for single moms.
That thing's finally paying off.
You remember that woman I told you about?
Two kids, sells power tools at sears.
- The one with the big feet? - Yup.
Well, those giant flippers were up in the air last night
Waving like palm trees in the wind.
- Hi, charlie. - Hi, sweetie.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Tell me more about sears girl. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That was lindsay lohan.
Did you know she was here?
Yes, but don't be jealous.
This doesn't take anything away from your sasquatch girl from book club.
Are these lindsay lohan's sunglasses?
- Can I have 'em? - No, no.
She needs these to hide in public.
Why? 'cause she's dating you?
We're not dating. I mean, I like her, but who knows?
It'll never work out.
Celebrities and regular people don't mix.
Let me tell you something I learned about celebrities last night.
They're just like regular people.
They take my pants off one leg at a time.
God, it's so peaceful here.
How 'bout we just stay in bed all day?
I would, but I have to go to prison.
- For how long? - About an hour.
Wow. You have a great lawyer.
No, no, no. I have an anger therapy group there. We meet once a week.
Could I-- could I maybe come with you?
Because, you know, I still have community service left to do
And speaking at a prison would definitely knock off an hour or two.
Well, I could call them and see if it's all right if I bring you. Sure.
I don't think it should be a problem.
They know me at all the prisons and jails.
You don't know how long I've waited for a girl to say that.
So what I've learned is, if you just take the time
To think before you speak,
It can really improve your life.
I'm not a cannibal,
That's not why I'm in here,
But I bet you'd taste like raspberries.
Um, thank you.
You see, wayne, that's exactly the opposite
Of what she was saying about thinking before you speak.
Oh, I thought about it.
I've been thinking about it ever since she sat
Her sweet little raspberry body in that chair.
Sorry, that one I did not think about.
Anybody have any appropriate questions about what they've heard?
Oh, yes.
First of all, miss lohan,
I've seen "freaky Frida y," like, 400,000 times.
Let's just get that off the table. - Thank you.
And, second of all,
How do you get your eyes like that?
They always look so twinkly and cute.
Even when you draggin' ass.
Oh, I use this eyeliner pen.
Oh, I can't get eyeliner in here.
You got any tips on using cockroach dust and toilet water?
Okay, I think lindsay has to go now, guys.
All right, thank you, guys.
Oh, and by the way, if anybody asks,
I was here for the full hour.
Charlie, I think I speak for the entire group
When I say that we would all like to say some
Very dirty things about miss lohan.
But we will refrain from that if you are currently--
How can I put this delicately--
Jammin' her.
Thank you for the courtesy, donovan,
And, yes, there's definitely an attraction.
I just don't know if I'm ready to pursue it.
I barely know her and I'm just not that sure
If celebrities and regular people mix all that well.
Is it because of all the things the press says about lindsay?
You can't believe everything you read.
They said I stabbed a guy, like, 100 times.
I stabbed him maybe 50 at the most.
Liars.
The newspapers accused me of assault with a deadly weapon.
It wasn't deadly. I missed.
Charlie, sorry to interrupt, everyone.
Found out about what happened on the commercial yesterday.
"svengali shrink out to destroy lilo's career."
I bet it was that panda.
I told you he was a nightmare.
- Is your family here yet? - They're on their way.
Great. See, this is exactly what I need.
Sitting around with normal people,
Having a normal dinner, living a normal life.
Oh, my god.
Bergiere's letting me borrow their $20,000 dress tomorrow.
Big lots is letting me wear their four-dollar socks I bought there.
Seriously, it's a big charity event tomorrow night.
Do you wanna come?
Maybe at the end of the night, I'll let you take off my dress.
And then maybe I'll let you, lindsay lohan,
Take off my socks.
okay, they're here.
Just give me a minute to freshen up. - You got it.
- Hey. - Hey, dad.
- Is she here yet? - She'll be down in a minute.
Hello, charlie.
I know that tone.
That's the "I don't approve of charlie's hot new
Movie star girlfriend" tone.
It's not that.
I know things about her. I read, charlie.
"us weekly," "star," "t he enquirer," "people."
Every once in a while, you might want to mix in a book.
Hey, the "100 sexiest people" issue is like this thick.
It's almost like a book.
Just give her a chance.
The girl is trouble.
It's gonna embarrass sam
And I don't want our daughter to suffer
The negative consequences of your actions.
Negative consequences?
Yesterday, nobody knew my name.
Now I'm that weird short girl
Whose dad is dating lindsay lohan. Thanks, dad.
You hear that? And just remember, jen,
When you and I first started dating, you had a reputation, too.
Because I was sleeping with you!
Well, I didn't judge you.
Do you know her history? She parties too much.
She gets into fights. The woman has stolen things.
We don't know what's true and what isn't.
I heard a story about a guy who stabbed somebody 100 times.
Turns out it was only 50.
Now everybody's afraid of that guy.
You're just being seduced by the fact
That she's a celebrity and that's sad and shallow.
- Hey, everybody. - Oh, my god.
You're even prettier in person.
I'm so sad and shallow.
Lindsay, this is my daughter sam and her mother jennifer.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Will you take a picture with me?
I need to prove you were here so everyone at school will keep talking to me.
Oh, sure. - Would you mind signing an autograph
On a napkin or something for me, please? - Um, sure.
Yeah, there's a pen in my purse. - Oh, okay.
Wow. My god, I'm putting my hand into lindsay lohan's purse.
And now I'm pulling out my daughter's sunglasses.
- How did those get in there? - That was me, jen.
I saw them on the counter, I thought they were lindsay's, so I put them in her purse.
Mm-hmm. That must be it.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. It is it.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Just so you both know, I speak "mm-hmm," too,
And I didn't steal anybody's sunglasses.
Come on, sam. We should leave.
Thank you so much for stealing my sunglasses.
Best day ever!
Before you say anything,
You should know that my ex-wife thinks
That all my girlfriends are thieves, so it's cool.
No, it's not. I really wanted your family to like me.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You know what? I think someone just stole my heart.
Too soon?
coming.
he broke up with me.
- Who? - Ryan.
He was supposed to break up with his wife.
Okay, I know you're going through a lot right now
And I'm really glad you came,
But we need to get this dress on you,
Sweetheart, okay? Take off your clothes.
That's the second to the last thing he ever said to me.
I understand.
Come on. I'll help.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling ryan.
Hello?
Who is this? Oh, hi, tyler.
Can I talk to your daddy?
You don't wanna do that.
Shut up!
Oh, okay.
Well, when he gets back, will you tell him
That he's a piece of garbage and he deserves your mommy?
Thank you, honey.
You're okay. You're gonna be okay.
But we don't have a lot of time,
So let's get you into this.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Come on. All right.
You ate!
Of course I ate! Weren't you listening to me? I got dumped!
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
- What did you eat?! - I had pie!
- How many pieces?! - I don't know!
How many pieces are in a pie?
All right, I can fix this.
I'm gonna have to touch your butt now.
That's how ryan and I met.
Okay. All right.
All right, just arch your back.
The clasp has gotta get-- okay.
Now, I'm just gonna get the zipper.
- It's never gonna zip. - You know what?
It doesn't matter.
What happened to you is what matters.
You are special and beautiful.
We have to get you to stop crying.
All right, now just take a deep breath.
Thank you, patrick.
See, you're feeling better already.
Now just take another breath... Even deeper.
Now!
It's crushing my ribs.
Do you like it?
I feel so pretty.
Charlie, thank you so much for making me go to the grocery store.
I love to go, but I'm just always worried
The paparazzi are gonna mob me.
Nothing bad's gonna happen as long as you're with me.
What?
"lilo steals sunglasses from mentally disturbed high school student"?
I can't believe they can just lie like that.
She's not mentally disturbed, she just has ocd.
Oh, really? And I didn't steal anything.
Oh, yeah. That, too.
Charlie, do you really think it's a good idea that we're dating?
Are you kidding me? We're having a fantastic time.
Look, we just went grocery shopping.
Yeah, I mean, I guess that is one of the most normal things
I've done since I was in " parent trap."
You want normal? I can line it up.
There's a post office, dry cleaner, jiffy lube.
You're about to go on the most ordinary ride of your life.
That does sound pretty good.
Good? It's great. I mean, look at these.
Powdered donuts.
Oh, they do look really good.
Close your eyes.
- Charlie. - Close 'em.
Oh, great. Thank you.
Thank you. It really brings out my eyes, doesn't it?
Yeah, it brings out your nose, actually. - Thank you.
It's really good.
What do you say we take this box of donuts upstairs and see what happens?
Coming up next...
Lindsay lohan caught in coke-fueled sex romp.
Next time, I'll buy chocolate.
- I got bad news. - Don't tell me...
The place is surrounded by paparazzi.
I think I should go out there and talk to them.
No, no, no. You have to have a pr person write a statement.
That way if something goes bad, you have someone to fire.
If it was me, I would just give people uncensored honesty.
I think you just gotta lose the filter and say whatever pops in your head.
What's the worst that could happen?
And get to the charity event 'cause they're counting on me.
I promise, I will figure out a way to get you there.
I am so sorry about all this.
Charlie, if there's one thing you should know,
It's when a guy apologizes to me, it's a real turnoff.
Oh, you mean like when I just said I was sorry? That was not an apology.
That was me saying I'm sorry, but you ain't gettin' no apology.
My god. There's a ton of people with cameras out there.
It's like a japanese best buy.
That's why I called lacey. I need her help.
I didn't know you were all going to patrick's fashion show,
But good job for supporting him like that.
Charlie, you have to hear this story.
So we finally get to my show at the design school.
Can you make a long story short?
I lost to a jumpsuit.
Hey, lindsay.
Lacey, patrick, ed, nolan. Guys, this is lindsay.
- Hi. - Lindsay lohan, right?
- Yes, I am, sir. - Nice to meet you.
You, too. - You're the problem with america.
Thank you. I get that a lot.
Don't listen to him. He tells me the same thing every day.
Which means you and I are like soul mates.
- Can we be besties? - Probably not.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
We're so much alike.
I hope so because I'm gonna need you to go out there
And pretend to be lindsay. Here, put this on.
All she has to do is drive away, the paparazzi will follow her,
Wait, so, seriously, this is your plan? This is what you're doing?
It's gonna be fine.
- Lacey, can you handle this? - Hell, yeah.
As soon as you pull away, we go. - I got this.
Wow, look at 'em pushing and shoving.
This is gonna test all her anger management skills.
Wait, she's in your group?
Yeah. We all are.
So you're saying that you sent someone
With anger issues into a crowd of paparazzi as me?
Kind of.
She's been in therapy for a long time. She's doing great.
- Oh, god. - Ed: She's coming back.
Screw you!
I don't take crap from no one.
I'm lindsay freakin' lohan.
Don't worry, I'm protecting your rep.
Take a picture of this, you filthy animals!
Whoo!
Whoo! We did it!
Yeah! Everyone thinks I'm lindsay lohan.
But I couldn't get to the car, so now what do we do?
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Lindsay, I am so sorry. I mean, no, I'm not sorry.
I'm just gonna have to go out there and face them.
Well, you don't have to face them alone. I'm here for you.
Hold on, hold on. You got a little thread right here.
Let me just get that for you.
So is it supposed to do that?
Lindsay, uh...
I-- I'm sorry.
No.
Don't move, don't talk, and don't touch.
You're a nice guy, but you're destroying my life.
So am I going to the event with you or not?
'cause I rented this tux. I'm out, like, 80 bucks.
Right.
Okay, let's get you out of here. You can take my car.
Ed, call the cops on the paparazzi.
Patrick, can lindsay borrow your dress?
Lindsay lohan wearing my dress?
You heard him, tubby, take it off.
I really wish things had worked out differently.
We tried. - If you ever need anything, call me.
Yeah, I already deleted you from my phone.
Smart.
Sorry about the mess in the backseat.
It's my kid's recycling project.
All right, you better get going. You're going to be late.
you're all clear.
Oh, look, the cops are here.
I can't believe lindsay lohan
Got arrested wearing my dress.
Best day ever.
Thank you so much, charlie.
Well, I like to help people.
That's what I do.