Even though my father hadn't called me on my last three birthdays,
this time, I was hopeful, so I waited until midnight
and when he didn't call, I was completely...
- devastated. - Yes!
Damn it!
- What's going on? - I just made 20 bucks.
I had "devastated" in the Patrick pool.
I was sure he'd say "aghast."
When it's family members or bad chardonnay, he always goes with "aghast."
Everything in Patrick's life either makes him feel
devastated, aghast, or speechless.
I cannot believe this.
I am speech... I hate you people.
Well, I have to say that I am disappointed.
Whoo!
- Disappointed. - Whoo!
Okay, okay. I think I see what's going on here.
Lately, you're either "disappointed"
or "extremely disappointed."
That's because you're supposed to be sharing, not attacking each other.
Lacey, you of all people should understand Patrick's pain.
You have a distant father also.
Probably some nomadic Arab,
spends all his time in the desert looking for the goat
that's gonna be his next wife.
I told you a thousand times, old man.
He was born in India.
Get a globe, you bloated hillbilly.
Lacey, that's enough. Listen to yourselves.
You've been doing nothing but sniping at each other.
The reason we do this in a group
is so you can help each other resolve your anger issues,
not... not bet on what Patrick will say
or... or laugh when Nolan gets lost in his hoodie.
Yeah, it's not funny.
Once your head's in the sleeve, panic sets in.
I'm sorry.
It was funny for the first couple minutes.
Then it was sad.
Then it was really, really funny again.
You might wanna take a lesson from the "Taj Ma-whore" over there.
She doesn't have any trouble getting outta her clothes.
Patrick: She is not a slut, Ed.
Her clothes fall off her body because they're cheap and poorly made.
Shut up!
Oh, what's the matter, Lacey?
- Are you devastated? - Okay, okay, stop it!
Stop it!
What is wrong with you people?
You know what? Don't answer that.
Nobody talk.
We are all... gonna close our eyes and sit here for a minute
and reflect on what just happened.
[both sigh]
Hey, Charlie. Aren't you supposed to be in group?
Yeah, but they're pissing me off. I'm really disappointed.
Nolan: Whoo-hoo!
Meditate!
You guys back from horseback riding already?
We never went. We found out they retired Butterscotch.
Oh, no.
[quietly] Who's Butterscotch?
My favorite horse of all time.
They shipped him off to an "equine therapy ranch"
in San Bernardino, but I think we all know what that means.
They didn't kill the horse, Mom.
Equine therapy is a real thing.
People go to take care of a horse so they can relax and de-stress.
That's right, honey.
Of course, it's a real thing.
Butterscotch is alive and well
and helping people not be crazy by being alive.
Dad, will you please tell her?
Let me see if I can help.
It's true, Jen.
Equine therapy is a real thing.
And so are crazy people.
No crap? Well, that's cool.
Hey, the horse is alive.
Uh-uh.
What? It just sounded fake.
Well, it's not. It's a highly respected method
of helping people with anxiety, ADD, social disorders.
Basically everyone in the other room.
You think they're open next week? Maybe I can take the group.
Hey, you could take me and Sam.
- She could see Butterscotch. - Well, I guess.
I mean, she'd be hanging with the group, if you're okay with that.
Sure. I'm always saying Sam doesn't have enough
angry, psychotic role models.
Don't beat yourself up, Jen.
There's only so much one woman can do.
I'm gonna go tell the group about the trip.
They're meditating.
You know what? I'll tell 'em later.
They're gone, aren't they?
Everyone except Ed. He's asleep.
Someone drew what I can only hope is a rocket ship going into his mouth.
[theme music playing]
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com
Horse therapy.
So you really think that's going to help your group bond?
Haven't you seen "Seabiscuit"?
That horse healed a nation and... fought the Germans, or something.
- That doesn't sound right. - Fine, I didn't see it,
but I can tell from the poster that whatever he did was pretty impressive.
Charlie, therapy groups are like rock bands.
Eventually they get sick of each other, it becomes toxic,
somebody has to leave, usually the bass player.
I was the best thing in that band.
Yeah, well, my gut tells me they still have something to offer each other.
Charlie, you only think with two things,
your gut and your gut's downstairs neighbor.
And they both make dumb decisions.
It's time to start using your brain.
You know what? I can't be in a nonemotional,
no-commitment relationship with you if you don't respect me.
Aw, come on, Charlie.
I thought you were happy with our dynamic.
You're reaching and I'm settling.
Cute.
But even Freud said that there's meaning behind every joke...
except for the one about the restaurant on the moon.
The restaurant on the moon?
Yeah, it's got no atmosphere.
That's just funny.
Actually, it's a commentary on societal norms
and the expectations of the nouveau riche.
Okay, I don't think you get it.
The place has got no air.
God, you are the most condescending person I've ever met.
I don't think you mean "condescending."
I think you mean "patronizing."
Don't tell me what I mean. I'll tell you what I mean.
Then tell me what you mean.
It's got no air!
Everybody, this is Butterface.
It's Butterscotch, sir.
[scoffs] Of course it is.
Look at him, his face is beautiful.
And this is Jimmy.
He'll teach you how to groom and feed Butterscotch.
But no riding. That's our policy.
Despite what every single picture in the brochure suggests.
Would you like to pet him, miss?
I don't pet animals. They get too excited.
Well, he's not excited now.
He's feeling scared and tired.
How in the hell would you know that?
Well, I've had a mystical connection with horses
ever since I was 10 when one kicked me in the head.
Well, there's one tiny piece of the puzzle.
Anyway, as a group you'll be responsible for his daily care.
Grooming, feeding, exercising, cleaning out his stall.
Nolan can't do that for himself.
How in the hell is he gonna do it for a horse?
All right, all right. Everybody needs to chill around the horse.
He's a little stressed since they moved him here
and they haven't gotten him to eat yet.
If I weighed 1,200 pounds, I wouldn't eat either.
Oh, you'd eat.
But you'd so be jamming your hoof down your throat.
So let's divvy up the chores.
- Who wants to do what? - Ooh, can I do nothing?
The bonding experience only works if everyone participates.
Can't we just bond as a group separately?
I get along with people so much better when I'm not around them.
That kind of sarcasm may work in the big city, Patrick,
but you're out here in cowboy country now.
35 minutes east of the big city, depending on traffic.
Now who wants to try to get Butterscotch to eat?
I brought a bag of something that always makes me hungry.
We want him to eat, not sit around and watch cartoons.
Hey, Ed, why don't you handle the grooming?
All right.
Now don't let this thing throw you.
It's called a brush.
It's for something younger people call hair.
Patrick, that's the kind of behavior that we're trying to change.
So, since you can dish it out, let's see if you can scoop it up.
[laughs]
Looks like somebody picked the wrong day
to wear suede loafers with no socks.
- That's not helpful, Nolan. - Oh, Butterscotch said it.
I just repeated it. Good one.
[gasps] Oh, my gosh!
Butterscotch, hi!
I missed you so much!
Hey.
- 'Sup? - Nothin'.
Cool.
- 'Sup? - Mom!
What?
Hey. Did you see what was going on back there?
Yeah, I saw and I'm worried.
Me, too. But he is gorgeous.
Yeah, I guess.
He does have those big, beautiful eyes.
Makes you want to take care of him.
"Take care of him"?
I'm worried he's gonna try and have sex with Sam.
Butterscotch?
The stable boy! What the hell's wrong with you?
Aren't you worried she's gonna hook up with Jimmy?
Well, now that I've considered this other thing, that doesn't seem so bad.
She can't take her eyes off that boy.
It's all in your head, Mrs. Robinson.
Just because you wanna gallop bareback on the stable boy
doesn't mean Sam does.
"Gallop bareback"? I'm old enough to be his MILF.
Uh, technically you're not somebody's MILF.
You're a MILF.
Oh, thank you.
People think you're old and tired and no use to anybody, don't they?
Sounds like you two have a lot in common.
No, he reminds me of my wife.
Except people still wanna ride you, don't they, buddy?
Could you move, please? I wanna do his bangs.
Okay, almost perfect.
Now you just gotta shake it out like you just don't care.
Hey.
I'm only feeding him a couple extra bags of carrots.
I don't see what the problem is.
The problem is I have to clean up after him.
There is orange poop everywhere.
You have turned this poor animal into a Play-Doh Fun Factory.
Shut up, you're upsetting the horse.
You shut up. You're the one yelling in his ear
and trying to turn him into a five-dollar, four-legged whore.
Hey, the horse says to stop yelling at her.
And he also thinks she looks really hot.
And it wouldn't kill her to wear a miniskirt tomorrow.
Shut up.
Stop acting like this horse is talking to you inside your head.
Oh, my God, Lacey, what have you done to his mane?
Somebody get me a flat iron!
All right, that's it.
I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you people
treat this horse like some kind of an animal.
Where you going, Ed?
- What happened here? - I'll tell you what happened here.
The last time I was around people I hated this much,
I was around these people.
[manure plops]
Okay, the fun factory's open again and I am not playing.
It's okay, Nolan. You don't have to stay.
Oh, thank God.
The horse has asked me to do some really weird things.
[sighs]
Well, Butterscotch, maybe I was wrong about keeping the group together.
[lower] Yes, you were, you big jackass.
Nice language, Butterscotch.
What, were you raised in a barn?
[lower] That wasn't funny when my mom said it.
[lower] Might've been funnier if he was raised
in a restaurant on the moon.
What are you doing all the way out here?
It was 20 minutes, no traffic.
Why don't you just tell the truth?
You came to apologize.
No, I came here because I like to ride horses
and I like the smell of hay, not to apologize.
Apology accepted.
Thank you.
[sighs] And I'm sorry your group bonding experiment isn't going well.
That was the horse's opinion, not mine.
The group bailed.
But at least Lacey put some glitter on the horse
and turned it into a better-than-average looking stripper.
Look... I know how bad you must feel.
I look into your eyes and I can see how you're hurting
and I feel terrible for you.
Guh.
What? I was being sincere.
I know and it was awful.
I liked it much better when you were being condescending.
I'm gonna make 'em stick it out one more day and try to make this work.
- You know why? - Nonrefundable deposit.
- A little. - [chuckles]
But mostly because I believe in them.
Oh, you're an idiot.
And she's back.
See you in a minute.
Oh, and, uh, when you do,
maybe it would be really hot if we went for a horseback ride.
Oh, no. They don't allow you to ride the horses out here.
You know, I had my first orgasm riding a horse.
He does seem like he could use a little exercise.
Can I see all the members of Butterscotch's group, please?
[sighs]
Look, I know you guys aren't loving this whole horse thing.
That's not true. We love Butterscotch.
We just can't stand each other.
And this wagon wheel nightmare that is a hotel.
Fine, that's your prerogative.
You can give up on the group,
but you cannot ditch your responsibilities to that horse.
I don't care how you do it, but that horse will be taken care of
until we leave on Sunday.
Fine, I'll feed him.
Butterscotch reminds me of my old Army buddy, Hank.
Hank also ate an apple out of my hand.
'Course, he'd just had both his arms blown off...
so it's a little different.
Well, you know what they say.
"An apple a day..."
All right.
I can make a quick schedule where we all have visitation rights
and none of us have to see each other.
Ed, you can take Butterscotch in the mornings.
Nolan can take him in the afternoons.
I can take him for dinner.
And Lacey can put him to bed at night.
Great. You know he hates to go to sleep
so I have to be the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun one.
You're just jealous because the horse and I have a rapport.
Oh, like you're his favorite?
He's ashamed of you.
Hey, did you know before this was a horse ranch,
it was just land that had no horses on it?
That's amazing.
So, who are you texting?
I don't know.
You know, we really don't get to talk like this at home.
You really have to get away for this kind of bonding.
[claps] So, that stable boy, Jimmy...
- he's pretty cute, huh? - I don't know.
Mm-hmm.
Look, I may be worried over nothing,
but you just don't want to get caught up
in the excitement of being away from home for the weekend
and do something you'll regret.
Mom, I'm not going to have sex.
I still have those condoms you gave me when I was 13
and you thought I was going to be a more popular teenager.
Well, if you ever do wanna talk about it, I'm here.
We have talks about sex all the time.
I wish you'd get a boyfriend so we could talk about something else.
Me, too.
So, how was that for you?
You still need me for anything?
Plenty.
Would you be offended if I called you Butterscotch?
I was kind of hoping you'd be done
because what riding does for women does the opposite for men.
- You're kidding. - A lot of bouncing on things
that don't need to be bounced on.
Oh, well, I've got bad news, pardner.
You got lots more bouncing to do.
[moaning]
Hard to believe, but this is going to be my first actual roll in the hay.
It's also your first stable relationship.
[whinnies]
Hey, Butterscotch liked it.
[Butterscotch whinnies]
[thuds]
Oh, my God. I think your joke just killed the horse.
He's just sleeping, you know, with his tongue hanging out
and foam coming out of his mouth.
I've been that tired.
Charlie, the only thing missing are the cartoon Xs over his eyes.
Oh, this is... this is so bad.
We just killed my daughter's favorite horse.
What am I gonna do?
I say you put an empty bottle of pills in its hoof
and we get the hell out of here.
Where's Sam? I got to talk to her.
She went to say good night to Butterscotch.
- Oh, crap. - What's wrong?
Well, here's the thing about Butterscotch.
He's not doing all that well.
How can you tell?
Because he's dead.
What?
Yeah, I was with him earlier,
just petting him, and all of a sudden, he just died.
You're lying.
I always know when you're lying.
- You have a tell. - Oh, really?
- What's my tell? - You've lied to me for 20 years.
That's your tell.
Did your group do it?
Oh, God. I got to deal with that, too.
No, no, it was me.
I took him out for a ride and when he got back, he just... keeled over.
Damn it, Charlie.
Sam is so attached to that horse.
This is gonna devastate her.
She's never had to deal with death before.
I know, I was kind of hoping my dad would die first
so she'd be ready for something like this.
- Hey. - Hey, Sam.
- You doing okay, sweetie? - I'm good.
I just saw Butterscotch.
I am so sorry, Sam.
About him retiring?
It's okay.
I just walked him down to the lake and we laid on the grass
and looked up at the stars and he seemed really happy.
I'm gonna go get ready for bed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You were just with Butterscotch?
Yeah.
And he walked to the lake?
Yeah.
He's so beautiful and sweet.
It's the best weekend of my life.
Stable boy.
Hey, guys. I got your call.
I think it's great that you all came together to honor Butterscotch.
Why do bad things happen to good horses?
Who knows? Maybe it was old age.
Maybe he ate something.
All we know for sure is it was nobody's fault.
Good-bye, Butterscotch.
You were the glue that held us together.
Bad words. Sorry.
I'm starting to forget what he looks like already.
He was big and proud.
- Oh, right. - [sobs]
Wow.
Your group really pulled together for this.
So what you're saying is
my instincts to keep the group together were right
and your giant, overeducated brain was wrong.
Possibly.
Thank you.
I'm really glad you came up here.
You are?
Yeah, I could use a ride home.
Jen got thrown off the property for roughing up a stable boy.
So, you wanna go kill another horse?
It's broad daylight.
The best I can offer is a piggyback ride back to my room.
Ha-ha, giddy up!
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