I can't do a job interview right now. My head's not in the right place.
I should be in jail, not lacey.
Lacey was on probation. She should've known better than to be shoplifting.
"I should've put the marshmallows in my clothes."
I watched her put her hands in her dress and I tried to say "stop,"
And then the only sound that came out was "oh-hh."
You can't sit around thinking about lacey.
You gotta move forward. The best way to do that is to get a job.
It's what lacey would want you to do...
If she ever thought about anybody other than herself.
Why would kate even hire me?
Because you have all the qualifications to make a great receptionist.
You can talk, you can push buttons,
You're a carbon-based life form.
But what if kate and I don't get along?
Look, you have a history of seeking out women
Who are cold, domineering, and borderline abusive.
You're gonna love her.
So you think she'll yell at me?
I don't see why not.
Hey, come on. I got a lot of work to do.
Fix your hair. This is a job interview.
I like her.
( theme music playing )
So, nolan, tell me about yourself.
Well, I think my resume speaks for itself.
From '98 to '98,
I worked at taco bell.
And then from '98 to '98,
I worked at jiffy lube.
Uh...
- And then in '98, uh... - Can I see that for a minute?
But I still have 14 more years to go.
On your resume or to tell us what's left in '98?
Would you mind waiting in the reception area while kate and I talk?
Oh. I should tell you.
I do suffer from migraines,
So there'll be days that the office has to be pitch-black.
So what's it gonna take to land this guy?
I know, I know. He's a mess, but hire him and I'll owe ya.
Okay. What do I get?
How does an entire night of passionate lovemaking sound?
- Exhausting. - Then give him the job or that's what you'll get.
Uh-uh. You're gonna have to do better.
This guy's like a human rescue dog.
He's cute and he's sweet, but soon as I leave,
He'll whine and pee on the couch.
Okay, how 'bout this?
I give you my credit card and you go crazy at agent provocateur.
Ooh, can I get the fishnet bodysuit with the horsehair whip?
- You can if you hire nolan. - Fine.
You know the whip isn't for show.
After four hours of trying to lead this woman to fashion sanity,
She picks out the pink leopard-skin coat.
I thought, "she has to be a hooker."
Patrick, you really gotta work on being less judgmental.
Just because she has a bold fashion sense
Doesn't mean she's a prostitute.
She offered to pay me with her mouth.
Well, that does mean she's a prostitute.
That reminds me, how's lacey doing in the hoosegow?
I talked to her last night. She's having a hard time in jail.
And, big surprise,
She's getting into it with some of the other inmates.
So I've arranged to do an anger management session at the jail.
Might wanna consider wearing some protection over your, eh,
Private parts.
Otherwise, those cats will be scratching at your post.
Well, thanks for that homespun wisdom.
So, nolan. How do you like working for kate?
I've never been so fulfilled.
I made some coffee, did some filing,
Saw some crazy half-naked pictures of her,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this about pictures?
That was my bad.
I opened up her outgoing mail by mistake
And a lingerie photo fell out.
With a lot of shaking...
A bunch of other photos fell out by mistake, too.
How can you not tell the difference between outgoing
And incoming mail?
When you're facing the desk,
The outgoing is on the right, but then when you're sitting behind the desk,
It switches to the left.
It's like stairs.
Are they going up? Are they going down?
Who knows?
All right. I'll see everybody next week.
Nolan, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Is everything okay? - Everything's fine.
Everything's fine. It's just there's a lot of stress
In a new job and it can affect one's memory.
So I thought we'd do some quick memory exercises
- And make sure everything's okay. - Okay.
Completely off the top of my head
And unrelated to anything,
Can you remember
Where dr. Wales was sending those naked pictures of herself?
Oh, man. I don't know.
Work must be really stressing me out.
Think, nolan, think.
All I can tell you is what she was wearing.
It was black and see-through.
Her boyfriend bart's a lucky guy.
Bart? Who's bart?
I don't know. She wrote it on the picture,
"bart, for your eyes only. Katie."
Katie? Since she was eight years old,
Her nickname's been dr. Wales.
- Is it bad I saw those? - I wouldn't tell dr. Wales
And I certainly wouldn't tell her that you told me.
Based on the pictures of her crawling around on the mirror,
I don't think she embarrasses easily.
Yeah, she is a confident woman.
Who drinks milk out of a saucer like a cat.
Hi, everybody. I'm charlie goodson.
I am an anger management therapist.
There's been some issues on this cellblock,
So dr. Cynthia thought it'd be a good idea
If I sat in for her while she recovered from her injuries.
Oh, and she wanted me to tell you guys,
"that was not cool at all."
You know, you look like you keep it real nice down there.
Yeah, bet you're bigger than your wrists would indicate.
Let's keep it professional, ladies.
But, yes, my wrists are misleadingly slim.
Now, I know some of you might be wondering,
"can a man relate to women's anger issues?"
Well, the truth is,
Most men have female traits.
Just as I'm sure most of you have...
Female traits.
It says here there was an incident recently.
And as an unbiased observer
Who doesn't know anybody here...
I think I can mediate objectively. Ahem.
Now, I understand it's easy for men to voice their anger
And women are taught sometimes to withhold their anger--
I'ma gut this ho like a puppy.
Actually, I believe the expression is
"gut this ho like a trout."
She always talks like that. Yesterday, she said she was gonna stab me in the face.
Not true. She said, "you got a face that was good for stabbing."
- It was a compliment. - Ladies, ladies.
Donna certainly seems to have a big problem with lacey,
- But let's hear it from her directly. - All right.
Curry spice over here is trying to steal my girlfriend.
I am not, bitch. I just gave her a makeover.
- Yeah, makeover, my ass. - I would, but I don't have that kind of time.
Women: Hey-yy!
Sounds to me like kim and donna are in a relationship
And donna is experiencing jealousy over lacey giving kim a makeover.
I just wanted to feel pretty.
And you totally are. You look crazy hot.
- Hey! - Easy, donna. Easy, donna.
There's no way she could've possibly meant that.
You got the nerve to come in here
With your fancy education
And your belt and your shoelaces.
What do you know about what goes on in here?
Yeah, you don't know nothing about jealousy.
Oh, I know jealousy. Believe me.
I'll share a little.
Recently I found out that my girlfriend
Was sending some suggestive pictures to another man.
I'm struggling with jealousy as well,
But I've got it under control.
Mm-hmm. If you got everything so under control,
Why is your lady sending naked pictures to another man?
We have an arrangement. We see other people.
( scoffs ) pss-shew, I wouldn't lick that stamp.
Somebody else been licking it.
- Am I right? - ( women yell )
No, no, no. Ours is not really a traditional relationship.
Yeah, it's a relationship built on lies.
It's a little more sophisticated than that.
We have a noncommittal, purely physical,
Friendly, but not emotional arrangement...
Built on lies.
Look, donna. I didn't mean to humiliate you
The way this woman is obviously humiliating charlie.
All right.
I won't stab you in the face.
Thanks.
Think maybe you could give me a makeover, too?
That depends-- is that really just a trick
So you can stab me in the face?
Kinda.
A dream analysis is tricky,
But the flat tires could represent your frustration
With the slow progress of your ongoing anger issues
And the scary hermaphrodite
Might relate to when you were at the women's prison
And you saw the scary hermaphrodite.
You see, that's why you've got the phd.
Well, I gotta go, charlie. My 4:00 will be here any minute.
- Kate, before I go, can I ask you a quick question? - Mm-hmm.
- Our arrangement hasn't changed, right? - What arrangement?
You know, if one of us is seeing somebody, they tell the other.
Are you trying to tell me you're seeing somebody?
No, no. I'm not.
Well, o-kay.
See ya later.
- So our arrangement is the same. - Yes.
'cause if I was seeing somebody, you'd be the first to know.
Obviously, I'd be the first and then the girl, of course,
She'd be in on it, too, but then you.
Well, I got the bronze. Hey, at least I medaled.
Goodbye, charlie.
Nolan, remember the guy
That kate sent those pictures to the other day?
I sure do.
Hey, my memory's back.
Guess I'm not so stressed anymore.
Great. I need you to go in kate's phone and get me his address.
Oh, I'm sorry, charlie.
I like kate, I like this job,
And if I go through her phone, she'll fire me.
Okay. I didn't want to have to tell anybody this,
But I'm throwing a surprise party for her
And it just wouldn't be the same without good old...
That bart guy.
Where you gonna have it?
At a bowling alley.
So you'll get me that address?
But kate hates bowling. We gotta find another place.
Fine. You get me that address and I'll find another place.
You know what's good? A batting cage.
- Perfect. We'll have the party at a batting cage. - Or disneyland.
Just get me the address, okay?
Fine. You know, it doesn't seem like you put a lot of thought into this.
Remember, don't tell kate anything.
Well, there's nothing to tell because of your poor planning.
( knocks on door )
- Hey, nolan. - Hey.
You get that guy's name and address I asked for?
Yeah. I got it out of her phone when she went to the bathroom.
Oh, that is great. I really appreciate this.
See ya later.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
It's just, uh...
I haven't got my invitation yet.
- Invitation? - To the surprise party.
I virtually planned the thing.
Oh.
Turns out her buddy bart told her about it.
Ruined the whole thing.
Then why do you need his address?
Well, someone's gotta write him an angry letter.
No, sam. I'm not buying you another pair of boots.
You got one pair at my house and two pair here.
Yeah, but if you guys hadn't gotten divorced,
Then all of my boots would be at one house
And this wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't you guys even feel guilty about that?
Sam, your mom and I were doing fine.
It was your boot habit that tore us apart.
Okay. Different approach.
Sincerity.
It would really mean a lot to me
If you guys bought me these boots.
Different approach. Sarcasm.
Yeah, sure. You'll have those boots any day now.
Final approach. Lying.
Love you.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Can I ask you something?
All that time that I cheated on you,
Did you ever get the urge to confront any of the women?
What? You cheated on me?
Seriously, I know it's a weird question,
But do you think you would've gotten some
Sense of satisfaction from it?
For all I know,
I've met a bunch of 'em and didn't even know it.
I mean, at the movies, at the grocery store,
At the homewrecking skank convention.
You know, every year, I say I'm gonna go.
( sighs )
And every year, I don't.
I thought about it, but then I realized
It's not gonna make me feel any better
To confront them face-to-face.
And showing up on some stranger's doorstep just makes you pathetic.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Hi. Can I help you?
Wow, look at the wrists on you.
Look, I don't exactly know why I'm here.
I just felt like we had to meet.
Obviously, kate means a lot to both of us.
Who?
Kate. Kate wales.
Katie.
Oh, the girl in the pictures.
She got it going on.
Hey, bart, show some respect.
Oh, you're here to see bart. I'm his nurse.
His nurse?
Yeah. Come on in.
I still enjoyed the naked pictures, though.
I get it, I get it. You're a nurse, but you're straight.
( machine beeping )
Bart, somebody's here to see you.
Wow. You're bart?
Computerized voice: Are you here to fix the keyboard?
The va-va-va-vee is sticking.
No, no. No, I'm not.
I'm charlie goodson. I'm a friend of kate wales.
Oh, so what can I do for you?
Look, I'm sorry to barge in like this.
Truth is, I'm involved with kate and I care about her very much.
Are you and kate in a relationship?
A relationship with kate?
Sarcastic ha. Sarcastic ha.
Sigh.
So you're not?
We were once,
But as soon as it got serious,
She broke up with me.
So she ended it, huh?
Yes, and it hit me like a ton of bricks,
As did the actual ton of bricks
That hit me a week later
On a construction site.
Oh, so that's how you ended up in the--
Dumb question.
It's all right.
I still have a fulfilling life.
Sarcastic ha. Sarcastic ha.
Look, again, I'm sorry to bother you.
I just-- I found out kate was sending you pictures.
Kate and I are in a relationship.
Well, it's not really a relationship. It's--
And it never will be.
You'll never get more than that.
She's a cold one, that kate.
She is kind of robotic
And hearing it in that voice really drives it home.
It would be intolerable
If she didn't have such a sweet
Va-va-va-va--
Heart.
Yeah, I feel your pain.
Stop bragging.
Okay. I'm gonna get going now.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Yes.
Can you pull out that plug?
The grey one. It goes to the lamp.
Sure.
Hey, this is the plug to your life support machine. You want me to kill you?
If it's not too much trouble.
I'm sorry. I can't do that.
Never mind,
But could you help me
With my medication before you go?
Turn it up to 10.
It's on one now. Wait.
That'll kill you, too.
How 'bout I turn it up to three
And just get you really high?
Sold.
- Morning, nolan. - Oh, hey, dr. Wales.
When you borrowed my phone
To make a call,
Did you do anything else with it?
No.
I'm going to give you one more chance to tell me the truth
Before I show you the video
You accidently took when you were on my phone.
You're bluffing. Nobody's that stupid.
Oh, no. This isn't the address book.
What were you doing in my address book, nolan?
I'm sorry.
It's just that charlie needed that bart guy's address.
( scoffs ) son of a bitch.
I can't tell you any more because of the party.
Damn it, nolan!
It's supposed to be a surprise-- damn it, nolan!
Kate, please, act like you don't know.
There is no party, nolan.
Perfect. Thanks.
( knocks on door )
Oh, hey. If this is a booty call, I can't right now.
- Sam will be home soon. - How dare you!
Fine, I'll send 'em to the movies for a few hours.
I can't believe you violated my privacy like this!
And what kind of a therapist
Would use their patient to spy on somebody?
I don't know. An unconventional one.
A maverick, if you will.
My relationship with bart is none of your business.
Nothing is. You don't share anything with me. I tell you everything.
My innermost thoughts, my feelings, everything that's happened to me.
Because I'm your therapist, you dumbass.
I just don't understand why you had to keep it a secret.
I mean, okay. You dated the guy, he had this terrible accident,
And now you're doing this sweet thing for him--
Wait a minute...
I know why you didn't want me to know.
- Why? - Because it's sweet.
( chuckles ) you are sweet.
- I am not. - Yes, you are.
You're a big, soft pile of sentimental goo and you don't want me to know it.
That is absolutely not true.
Just because I do something decent for a guy
Who happened to fall in love with me and have his whole world cave in
Does not make me an emotional pile--
What are you doing?
Trying to comfort you.
I have to go rip nolan a new one.
Must be hard since you're such a softie.
Shut up!
It is so cute when you try to act tough now.
Oh, I hate you! I am leaving!
If you need a hug, I'm here.
Now you're sweet and off-balance.
Everywhere I look, there's relax the back stores.
Relax the front.
Now, that's a business model.
It's actually the oldest business model.
Weren't you there for the grand opening?
Lacey just pulled up. Everybody get ready.
Now, I wanna surprise her, so don't tell her I got a job.
( cell phone chimes )
Okay, don't tell her I lost my job.
- I'm out! - Oh, there she is.
Everything is so much different now.
The clothes, the music...
- No, it's just a really boring bar. - Oh, thank god.
I wanna let you know, the whole time you were inside,
- I was faithful. - Oh.
Yeah, well, I was...
I missed you, too. ( giggles )