1
00:00:01,798 --> 00:00:04,166
I devoted myself to Mark
for eight months
2
00:00:04,234 --> 00:00:06,035
and he broke up with me
in a text message.
3
00:00:06,102 --> 00:00:08,537
I think what I did
is a reasonable response.
4
00:00:08,604 --> 00:00:10,539
Well, I agree that writing him
that letter
5
00:00:10,606 --> 00:00:12,474
expressing your pain was therapeutic.
6
00:00:12,542 --> 00:00:15,610
What I'm not so sure about is...
7
00:00:15,678 --> 00:00:18,247
"wanting to light his hair on fire"
8
00:00:18,315 --> 00:00:20,682
"and put it out with a hammer."
9
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:22,484
It just really hurts.
10
00:00:22,552 --> 00:00:24,987
I've never had to deal
with these emotions before.
11
00:00:25,055 --> 00:00:27,756
This is my first time being the
dumpee and not the dumper.
12
00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:31,293
I've heard that the first time
always hurts for the dumper.
13
00:00:33,596 --> 00:00:35,397
Okay, Ed, that's definitely
another dollar in the jar.
14
00:00:35,465 --> 00:00:37,299
No, it's okay. I don't care
15
00:00:37,367 --> 00:00:39,368
because he's gonna be dead soon.
16
00:00:39,436 --> 00:00:41,971
No, I'm fit as a fiddle.
17
00:00:42,038 --> 00:00:44,873
Doc says my stage four homophobia
18
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:47,642
is keeping me young.
19
00:00:47,710 --> 00:00:49,311
Ed, this is not the time.
20
00:00:49,379 --> 00:00:51,680
The time was, like, 1952.
21
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:55,451
Oh, and here's his huge reason
for breaking up with me.
22
00:00:55,518 --> 00:00:58,220
He said he wanted to have a fun summer.
23
00:00:58,288 --> 00:01:00,189
Oh, my God, that's awful.
24
00:01:00,256 --> 00:01:02,358
I'm totally gonna use that.
25
00:01:02,425 --> 00:01:04,893
When I'm alone, all I think about
26
00:01:04,961 --> 00:01:06,996
is parking outside of his house
27
00:01:07,063 --> 00:01:09,631
or showing up at his job
and screaming at him.
28
00:01:09,699 --> 00:01:12,019
Patrick, fixing in on those
kinds of thoughts is unhealthy.
29
00:01:12,035 --> 00:01:14,870
And I think that it's important not to
spend this really critical time alone.
30
00:01:14,937 --> 00:01:16,271
I have no one.
31
00:01:16,339 --> 00:01:18,740
When Mark left me
he took all of our friends,
32
00:01:18,808 --> 00:01:20,575
that heartless bastard.
33
00:01:20,643 --> 00:01:23,812
- All of them?
- Mark was a very likeable guy.
34
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,814
You don't have to be alone.
There's people right here
35
00:01:25,882 --> 00:01:27,749
in this room that would spend
time with you, right, guys?
36
00:01:27,817 --> 00:01:30,652
Well, I would, but I want
to have a fun summer, too.
37
00:01:32,355 --> 00:01:34,289
I'd be happy to hang out
with you, Patrick.
38
00:01:34,357 --> 00:01:36,625
Well, there you go. Thank you, Lacey.
39
00:01:36,692 --> 00:01:39,428
Yeah, and maybe we could chill
at your house and watch a movie.
40
00:01:39,496 --> 00:01:41,796
Oh, and you could invite
that jewelry designer you know.
41
00:01:41,864 --> 00:01:43,832
Why would I invite him?
42
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,101
So he could fall in love
with me and give me a necklace.
43
00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:49,538
Lacey, have you ever done something nice
44
00:01:49,605 --> 00:01:51,973
for someone without expecting
something in return?
45
00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:54,809
Of course I have. I always do
nice things for other people.
46
00:01:54,877 --> 00:01:58,313
Like one time, I told a blind
woman she needed a nose job.
47
00:01:58,381 --> 00:02:01,583
How else would she know?
48
00:02:01,651 --> 00:02:03,118
I'm not sure that counts, Lacey.
49
00:02:03,186 --> 00:02:04,826
Actually, I'm positive
that doesn't count.
50
00:02:06,322 --> 00:02:08,557
Okay, everybody, time's up.
See you next session.
51
00:02:14,097 --> 00:02:16,298
Hey, Lacey, let's see if you
52
00:02:16,366 --> 00:02:18,600
can do one truly selfless
thing for someone else.
53
00:02:18,668 --> 00:02:20,869
Okay, Charlie. I'll do that.
54
00:02:20,937 --> 00:02:22,938
Just for you.
55
00:02:23,005 --> 00:02:24,373
- That doesn't count.
- Damn.
56
00:02:28,078 --> 00:02:30,079
- Hey, Jen.
- Hey, Charlie.
57
00:02:30,146 --> 00:02:31,613
I got a big favor to ask.
58
00:02:31,681 --> 00:02:33,321
I'm thinking about
starting a new business
59
00:02:33,383 --> 00:02:35,184
and I need $10,000.
60
00:02:35,251 --> 00:02:36,751
$10,000?
61
00:02:36,819 --> 00:02:39,254
Okay, it's just $1,000.
You see what I did there?
62
00:02:39,322 --> 00:02:41,523
That's a sales trick
I learned at a seminar
63
00:02:41,591 --> 00:02:44,493
that you paid $1,000 for.
64
00:02:44,561 --> 00:02:48,163
Just so you know, that smile
stopped working on me $1,000 ago.
65
00:02:48,231 --> 00:02:50,432
This is a huge opportunity.
66
00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:53,402
Do you remember that plus-size
edible underwear company
67
00:02:53,470 --> 00:02:55,870
I tried to start a couple years ago?
68
00:02:55,938 --> 00:02:57,872
Yeah, why did you think that would work?
69
00:02:57,940 --> 00:03:00,875
Because fat people
like to have sex, too,
70
00:03:00,943 --> 00:03:02,844
and they really, really like candy.
71
00:03:06,449 --> 00:03:09,618
Anyway, I had a bunch of unsold
merchandise in my garage
72
00:03:09,685 --> 00:03:11,453
and it's been overrun by ants.
73
00:03:11,521 --> 00:03:12,988
So you need the money
for an exterminator?
74
00:03:13,055 --> 00:03:15,190
Are you kidding? The company that makes
75
00:03:15,258 --> 00:03:17,226
the ant farms is looking for ants.
76
00:03:17,293 --> 00:03:18,960
Those ants are crawling gold.
77
00:03:20,563 --> 00:03:23,031
You know what? You are a
public service ad for college.
78
00:03:23,099 --> 00:03:26,168
I didn't go to college
'cause I was supporting you.
79
00:03:26,236 --> 00:03:28,303
So I never found out what I'm good at.
80
00:03:28,371 --> 00:03:31,306
I hear you, Jen, but I'm not so
sure that ants are the answer.
81
00:03:31,374 --> 00:03:33,275
I don't agree. I think it'd be great.
82
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,177
Okay, well, we can talk
about it... is that an ant?
83
00:03:35,245 --> 00:03:37,646
Son of a bitch! I hate 'em! Ugh!
84
00:03:40,583 --> 00:03:42,484
Charlie, you've got to help
me find something.
85
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:47,556
Patrick? What are you still doing here?
86
00:03:47,624 --> 00:03:50,459
Oh, I'm just thinking about what
it's gonna be like to be alone.
87
00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:53,228
Today, tonight,
88
00:03:53,296 --> 00:03:56,265
tomorrow day, tomorrow night,
89
00:03:56,332 --> 00:04:00,035
the next day,
90
00:04:00,102 --> 00:04:01,503
and the next night.
91
00:04:01,571 --> 00:04:03,505
Okay, I see where this is going.
92
00:04:03,573 --> 00:04:06,241
Look, I would love to let you hang out,
93
00:04:06,309 --> 00:04:09,378
but my dad's coming for dinner tonight.
94
00:04:09,445 --> 00:04:12,013
I've cancelled on him
12 times in the last two weeks.
95
00:04:12,081 --> 00:04:14,583
If I do it again he's gonna
sense that something's up.
96
00:04:16,486 --> 00:04:18,620
Is there anything else I can do for you?
97
00:04:18,688 --> 00:04:20,021
( Whimpers )
98
00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:22,891
- Bad breakup?
- The worst.
99
00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,759
Well, you know what helps me?
100
00:04:24,827 --> 00:04:27,696
Knowing that someday
when he's lying in a gutter
101
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:31,800
crying and alone,
starving yet somehow fat,
102
00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:35,370
he'll realize you were the best
thing that ever happened to him.
103
00:04:35,438 --> 00:04:37,739
You know, Patrick,
you guys should hang out.
104
00:04:37,807 --> 00:04:40,909
Jen's been through
some terrible breakups.
105
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,745
I remember this one with with this
incredibly handsome gentleman.
106
00:04:43,813 --> 00:04:45,714
It's true, Patrick.
Charlie used to be handsome.
107
00:04:48,051 --> 00:04:49,152
( Theme music playing )
108
00:04:49,177 --> 00:04:53,177
Anger Management 2x18 -
Charlie and the Break Up Coach
Original air date May 16, 2013
109
00:04:53,202 --> 00:04:57,202
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
110
00:04:57,393 --> 00:05:00,195
So, hey, I think I've got a way
111
00:05:00,263 --> 00:05:02,497
to trick your stepmother
into taking me back.
112
00:05:02,565 --> 00:05:06,602
So I guess you weren't enjoying that
awkward silence as much as I was.
113
00:05:06,669 --> 00:05:09,304
No, no, listen to me.
Here's what I'm thinking, see.
114
00:05:09,372 --> 00:05:12,140
She won't talk to me so you'll call her
115
00:05:12,208 --> 00:05:14,376
and say how you're
really worried about me.
116
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:18,480
I haven't stopped crying since I
read about some orphanage in Darfur.
117
00:05:18,548 --> 00:05:21,148
Anyway, you'll plead with her to
come out here and take care of me
118
00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:22,718
or take me back to Cincinnati.
119
00:05:22,785 --> 00:05:24,386
No, wait, forget Darfur
120
00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:26,355
because she may have
an opinion about that.
121
00:05:26,422 --> 00:05:28,790
Just say Africa, okay? What do you say?
122
00:05:28,858 --> 00:05:30,959
Uh-uh. No way. I'm not
lying to Corinne for you.
123
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:32,628
Oh, come on, Charlie.
124
00:05:32,695 --> 00:05:34,976
Don't you think some good should
come out of that tragedy?
125
00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:37,766
( Knocking )
126
00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:40,168
- Hey.
- Hey, Lace.
127
00:05:40,236 --> 00:05:42,170
Come on in. Got your phone right here.
128
00:05:42,238 --> 00:05:45,474
By the way, somebody named Satan
called for you, like, 20 times.
129
00:05:45,541 --> 00:05:48,443
My mother is so codependent.
130
00:05:48,511 --> 00:05:52,247
Lacey, have you ever tricked somebody
131
00:05:52,315 --> 00:05:54,115
into getting back together
with you before?
132
00:05:54,183 --> 00:05:56,518
Have I ever not?
133
00:05:56,586 --> 00:05:58,420
Don't get her involved, Dad.
134
00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,155
No, I just want her opinion.
135
00:06:00,222 --> 00:06:02,291
Easiest way to get somebody
to take you back
136
00:06:02,358 --> 00:06:03,792
is to pretend you're pregnant.
137
00:06:03,859 --> 00:06:05,794
I would do that,
138
00:06:05,861 --> 00:06:08,563
except I think I've already
gone through the change.
139
00:06:08,631 --> 00:06:10,999
You know what else works?
140
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:12,934
Put some pictures of you and a hot woman
141
00:06:13,002 --> 00:06:15,937
having a great time
on your Facebook page.
142
00:06:16,005 --> 00:06:18,640
I don't have a Facebook
page or a hot woman.
143
00:06:18,708 --> 00:06:21,710
Well, today is you lucky day,
Old Man Charlie.
144
00:06:23,479 --> 00:06:25,447
I'm gonna help you set up
a Facebook account
145
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,283
because I actually like helping people.
146
00:06:28,351 --> 00:06:32,587
Because despite what some people
think, Middle-aged Charlie,
147
00:06:32,655 --> 00:06:34,456
I am totally selfless
148
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:37,091
and I'm gonna be that hot
woman he gets to pose with.
149
00:06:37,159 --> 00:06:38,627
I'm gonna do this.
150
00:06:40,396 --> 00:06:42,564
And this.
( Laughs )
151
00:06:45,935 --> 00:06:47,502
You really think this'll work?
152
00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:49,738
Oh, yeah. Women hate me.
153
00:06:52,575 --> 00:06:55,477
I thought you'd like to know
154
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,612
I'm not wearing any underwear.
155
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,681
Neither am I.
156
00:07:01,217 --> 00:07:04,753
You know, not as sexy coming from a guy.
157
00:07:04,821 --> 00:07:06,901
I wasn't trying to be sexy.
My washing machine broke.
158
00:07:08,591 --> 00:07:11,192
( Laughing )
Oh, hey, guys.
159
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:12,961
- Hey.
- I have to thank you,
Charlie.
160
00:07:13,028 --> 00:07:15,330
Jen is the best.
161
00:07:15,398 --> 00:07:18,066
We spent all afternoon
in her garage killing ants.
162
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,968
It was so therapeutic.
163
00:07:20,035 --> 00:07:23,672
She told me to think of
every little ant as my ex.
164
00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:26,207
It's hard to throttle
an ant's neck, but he did it.
165
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:30,263
Excuse me. I'm just gonna
skip to the loo, my darling.
166
00:07:31,914 --> 00:07:33,982
Jen, I really appreciate what
you're doing with Patrick.
167
00:07:34,049 --> 00:07:35,417
Just so we're on the same page,
168
00:07:35,485 --> 00:07:37,919
I'm trying to downplay
his revenge fantasies
169
00:07:37,987 --> 00:07:41,256
so I'm not sure the best thing right
now is a teeny tiny killing spree.
170
00:07:41,323 --> 00:07:44,292
Well, don't worry. He's feeling great.
171
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,361
And by the way, so am I.
172
00:07:46,429 --> 00:07:49,431
I finally found it. This is
what I was meant to do...
173
00:07:49,499 --> 00:07:52,066
help people by being
positive and optimistic.
174
00:07:52,134 --> 00:07:53,402
Thanks, Charlie.
175
00:07:53,469 --> 00:07:56,971
So you suggested she help Patrick?
176
00:07:57,039 --> 00:07:59,808
No, I just thought
she should keep him company.
177
00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:02,511
Yeah, and guess what it lead to.
I'm gonna be a life coach.
178
00:08:02,578 --> 00:08:04,012
It's like being a therapist
179
00:08:04,079 --> 00:08:07,348
except it only requires
six afternoons at the Y.
180
00:08:07,417 --> 00:08:09,384
Jen, you do know that I didn't ask you
181
00:08:09,452 --> 00:08:11,386
to coach or give Patrick any advice.
182
00:08:11,454 --> 00:08:14,055
Oh, I'm just being
positive and optimistic.
183
00:08:14,123 --> 00:08:16,090
Don't get your panties in a bunch.
184
00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:17,959
No danger of that.
185
00:08:22,156 --> 00:08:24,190
I won't do this
on a bare mattress, Charlie.
186
00:08:24,258 --> 00:08:25,859
I feel like I'm in prison.
187
00:08:25,927 --> 00:08:28,327
I told you the guy from Sears
188
00:08:28,395 --> 00:08:30,063
is coming to fix the
washing machine tomorrow.
189
00:08:30,130 --> 00:08:32,198
Come on, it'll be fun.
190
00:08:32,266 --> 00:08:34,267
Like we're in the back of a van.
191
00:08:34,334 --> 00:08:35,969
Don't you have another set of sheets?
192
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:37,671
Yeah, but your stilettos
ripped them to shreds.
193
00:08:37,738 --> 00:08:39,606
It was like I had sex with Wolverine.
194
00:08:39,674 --> 00:08:42,275
Okay, then, here's another dodge.
195
00:08:42,342 --> 00:08:44,077
Did Patrick ever show up
for group today?
196
00:08:44,144 --> 00:08:46,079
No, he didn't make it.
Why, should I be worried?
197
00:08:46,146 --> 00:08:49,883
About Jen's influence
on Patrick? Probably.
198
00:08:49,951 --> 00:08:52,118
I know. I know. A life coach.
199
00:08:52,186 --> 00:08:53,920
That's for people
who don't want to undergo
200
00:08:53,988 --> 00:08:56,756
the rigorous training
to become a Tarot card reader.
201
00:08:56,824 --> 00:08:59,358
You do realize she's going to undermine
202
00:08:59,426 --> 00:09:01,294
everything you're doing
with Patrick in group?
203
00:09:01,361 --> 00:09:03,262
But she's been so down on herself.
204
00:09:03,330 --> 00:09:05,065
And now she finally feels like she's
doing something with her life.
205
00:09:05,132 --> 00:09:07,834
- I don't know what to do.
- Here's one idea.
206
00:09:07,902 --> 00:09:11,204
Let's get out of this crack den and do
it someplace sexier like the kitchen
207
00:09:11,271 --> 00:09:12,739
or the floor of the garage.
208
00:09:12,807 --> 00:09:14,007
Race you.
209
00:09:16,611 --> 00:09:19,512
Just so everyone knows,
I helped Charlie's father
210
00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:21,848
set up his Facebook profile yesterday
211
00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:24,584
and didn't ask for anything in return.
212
00:09:24,652 --> 00:09:27,887
I even drank a Vodka Ensure with him.
213
00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:30,590
That's how selfless I am.
214
00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:34,360
Vodka Ensure. I'll have to try that.
215
00:09:34,428 --> 00:09:36,830
I've had gin and Pedialyte.
216
00:09:36,897 --> 00:09:38,598
I slept like a drunk baby.
217
00:09:40,835 --> 00:09:42,802
Martin's on Facebook?
218
00:09:42,870 --> 00:09:47,240
Looks like somebody here is about to
have friends in the double digits.
219
00:09:47,307 --> 00:09:48,675
Good for you, Lacey.
220
00:09:48,743 --> 00:09:49,976
And Nolan.
221
00:09:51,979 --> 00:09:54,447
Hey, Charlie, your dad's
page is pretty cool.
222
00:09:54,515 --> 00:09:56,415
He likes Frank Sinatra,
223
00:09:56,483 --> 00:09:58,652
the early bird special at Red Lobster.
224
00:09:58,719 --> 00:10:01,688
Oh, look at this.
225
00:10:01,756 --> 00:10:05,859
He thinks Marissa is a flat,
skanky ho with a big fat ass.
226
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:11,297
He also told Lequisha if he
sees her at Juicy Couture again
227
00:10:11,365 --> 00:10:14,768
he's going to rip that low-rent
weave right off her head.
228
00:10:16,704 --> 00:10:20,040
He's so hip.
( Laughs )
229
00:10:20,107 --> 00:10:21,975
Lacey, is this why you helped my father?
230
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:25,111
So you could set up an account
and secretly cyberbully
231
00:10:25,179 --> 00:10:28,014
Marissa and Lequisha?
232
00:10:28,082 --> 00:10:31,951
No. I just figured I'd reconnect
with a few of my best friends
233
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,720
who blocked me.
234
00:10:35,156 --> 00:10:37,857
Lacey, I want you
to go back to my father,
235
00:10:37,925 --> 00:10:41,427
apologize for using him, and
then take down his account.
236
00:10:41,495 --> 00:10:43,296
Oh, man.
237
00:10:43,363 --> 00:10:44,964
Now I'm back to nine.
238
00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:48,001
Oh, sorry I'm a few
minutes late, everybody.
239
00:10:48,069 --> 00:10:50,804
I'm just glad you're here. I was afraid
you were gonna miss another session.
240
00:10:50,871 --> 00:10:52,672
Sorry, I was having a romantic lunch
241
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:54,774
with my new potential boyfriend.
242
00:10:54,842 --> 00:10:56,442
He's on a 24-hour pass from rehab
243
00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:58,578
so it was just, like, on the town.
244
00:10:58,645 --> 00:11:00,580
Wait a minute. You're dating already?
245
00:11:00,647 --> 00:11:02,481
It's only been a week
since Mark broke up with you.
246
00:11:02,549 --> 00:11:04,317
Well, according to your ex-wife,
247
00:11:04,384 --> 00:11:07,954
the best way to get over somebody
is to get under somebody.
248
00:11:08,022 --> 00:11:10,489
That is so clever.
249
00:11:10,557 --> 00:11:13,159
Yeah, for a T-shirt.
That's right up there with
250
00:11:13,227 --> 00:11:15,461
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
251
00:11:17,464 --> 00:11:19,966
Look, the end of a relationship
is a lot like a death.
252
00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:21,968
There's a mourning process.
253
00:11:22,036 --> 00:11:23,837
You haven't even begun
to examine the issues
254
00:11:23,904 --> 00:11:25,571
that contributed to the end
of your last relationship.
255
00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:28,341
( Laughing )
256
00:11:28,408 --> 00:11:29,776
What?
257
00:11:29,844 --> 00:11:32,411
That T-shirt thing. I just got it.
258
00:11:33,814 --> 00:11:35,481
Where do I get one of them?
259
00:11:40,054 --> 00:11:42,222
Oh, hey, Charlie.
260
00:11:42,289 --> 00:11:45,091
I thought you weren't gonna give him any
advice. Now he's with another guy.
261
00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:47,593
I didn't give him advice.
I just told him
262
00:11:47,661 --> 00:11:49,863
the best way to get over Mark
is to find someone new.
263
00:11:49,930 --> 00:11:52,165
That's advice.
264
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:53,933
Well, it always worked for me.
265
00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:55,835
Worked for you? Look at you.
266
00:11:55,903 --> 00:11:57,070
You're a... is Sam here?
267
00:11:57,138 --> 00:11:59,973
- No.
- You're a mess!
268
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,707
I don't want you spending any
more free time with Patrick.
269
00:12:01,776 --> 00:12:04,443
It's not free time. It's my job.
270
00:12:04,511 --> 00:12:06,379
What job?
271
00:12:06,446 --> 00:12:09,082
Patrick felt he was monopolizing my time
272
00:12:09,150 --> 00:12:10,850
so he's paying me to be his life coach.
273
00:12:10,918 --> 00:12:12,786
Oh, here are my new cards.
274
00:12:12,853 --> 00:12:15,121
Could you pass them out at group?
275
00:12:23,466 --> 00:12:25,567
( Knocking )
276
00:12:29,539 --> 00:12:31,473
Lacey. What are you doing here?
277
00:12:31,541 --> 00:12:33,181
I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute.
278
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,644
Well, come in. Come on.
279
00:12:35,712 --> 00:12:39,481
Look, I'm gonna leave
the door open, okay?
280
00:12:39,549 --> 00:12:42,451
No offense, but if my neighbors saw you
281
00:12:42,519 --> 00:12:44,439
coming in here dressed like
that, they might think
282
00:12:44,454 --> 00:12:47,423
you're a whore-ably
attractive young lady.
283
00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:48,991
Hey.
284
00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:51,760
Between you, my mom, and the cops...
285
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:56,465
Look, I need to talk to you
about your Facebook page.
286
00:12:56,533 --> 00:12:59,535
I was using it to hate on
a couple of my old friends.
287
00:12:59,602 --> 00:13:01,804
I'm really sorry.
288
00:13:01,871 --> 00:13:03,572
Well, at least somebody
got some use out of it
289
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,375
'cause this Facebook thing
isn't working for me.
290
00:13:06,443 --> 00:13:07,876
Why not?
291
00:13:07,945 --> 00:13:10,079
Look, it was a dumb idea.
292
00:13:10,147 --> 00:13:11,880
When Corinne left me
293
00:13:11,949 --> 00:13:15,517
I felt so desperate and rejected.
294
00:13:15,585 --> 00:13:17,420
Probably like Nolan feels
295
00:13:17,487 --> 00:13:20,356
every time I refuse his friend request.
296
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,959
Well, you've got to have standards.
297
00:13:23,026 --> 00:13:24,793
Yeah. Anyway...
298
00:13:24,861 --> 00:13:26,728
You know, without Corinne in my life,
299
00:13:26,796 --> 00:13:28,998
I just don't know
what's going to happen to me.
300
00:13:29,066 --> 00:13:31,533
I go to bed alone. I get up alone.
301
00:13:31,601 --> 00:13:34,437
Oh, my God. I've never done that.
302
00:13:34,504 --> 00:13:36,538
Sometimes I'll go a whole day
303
00:13:36,606 --> 00:13:39,342
without talking to another human being.
304
00:13:39,409 --> 00:13:42,111
No one ever tells you how long
you're gonna be old.
305
00:13:42,179 --> 00:13:45,014
You're freaking me out.
306
00:13:45,082 --> 00:13:47,116
No one's gonna want me when I'm old.
307
00:13:47,184 --> 00:13:50,819
High maintenance and saggy
boobs are a bad combo.
308
00:13:50,887 --> 00:13:53,155
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
309
00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,624
Listen, you came over here
310
00:13:55,692 --> 00:13:57,360
to help me learn some new stuff,
311
00:13:57,427 --> 00:13:59,895
and just because it didn't
have a happy ending
312
00:13:59,963 --> 00:14:03,265
doesn't mean I shouldn't
pay you for your time.
313
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:06,469
I can't. Your son wanted
me to do it for free.
314
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:10,706
I probably gave you a virus anyway.
315
00:14:12,942 --> 00:14:15,411
What's it matter? My equipment is so old
316
00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:17,279
I'll probably never use it again anyway.
317
00:14:20,183 --> 00:14:22,518
What are you all looking at?
318
00:14:22,585 --> 00:14:24,420
I'm not a whore.
319
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,989
But we did do it.
320
00:14:27,057 --> 00:14:28,757
Right, stud?
321
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,767
Hey, Charlie.
322
00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:40,602
Oh, good, you're here early.
323
00:14:40,670 --> 00:14:43,406
Listen, I want to talk to you
about Jen being your life coach.
324
00:14:43,473 --> 00:14:46,509
I'm concerned our advice may conflict
325
00:14:46,576 --> 00:14:49,245
because I'm a licensed therapist
and she's a licensed driver.
326
00:14:50,813 --> 00:14:52,481
Look, I know you're not happy about it,
327
00:14:52,549 --> 00:14:54,050
but you're gonna get past it.
328
00:14:54,117 --> 00:14:56,652
And it's just like Jen says,
when life gives you lemons,
329
00:14:56,719 --> 00:14:59,488
you make something with lemons in it.
330
00:14:59,556 --> 00:15:01,990
That's not even the saying.
331
00:15:02,059 --> 00:15:04,493
Hey, everyone.
332
00:15:04,561 --> 00:15:07,596
Hey, Jen, I'm sorry but you can't be here.
I'm about to start a session.
333
00:15:07,664 --> 00:15:09,831
I know, that's why I'm here.
Hey, Patrick.
334
00:15:09,899 --> 00:15:11,567
How are we feeling today?
335
00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:13,536
- We're good.
- Good.
336
00:15:13,603 --> 00:15:15,237
I know how we're feeling.
337
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:18,474
We're confused.
What the hell is going on?
338
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,842
Oh, I'm sorry. I should have
asked you guys this before.
339
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,146
I've invited my life coach here.
I hope that's all right.
340
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:26,282
- Fine by me.
- Bring it.
341
00:15:26,349 --> 00:15:28,750
I suppose it's all right as
long as she doesn't judge me
342
00:15:28,818 --> 00:15:30,453
if I say something off-colored.
343
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,288
It's off-color.
344
00:15:32,355 --> 00:15:34,790
Even your mispronunciations are racist.
345
00:15:34,857 --> 00:15:36,925
Okay, fine. Jen, you can stay,
346
00:15:36,993 --> 00:15:40,096
but if you say anything I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave.
347
00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:43,665
Okay. Sorry, I mean...
( Mouths )
348
00:15:43,733 --> 00:15:45,701
So, Patrick, I thought
we would begin today
349
00:15:45,768 --> 00:15:48,036
by talking about your recent
breakup with Mark.
350
00:15:48,105 --> 00:15:50,473
Have you though about
how it might have triggered
351
00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:52,908
some abandonment issues?
352
00:15:52,976 --> 00:15:54,843
( Whispering )
353
00:16:02,319 --> 00:16:04,220
No, I haven't.
354
00:16:04,287 --> 00:16:06,255
Okay.
355
00:16:06,323 --> 00:16:08,857
Do you think you can answer my questions
without the advice of counsel?
356
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:11,059
( Whispering )
357
00:16:11,128 --> 00:16:13,229
( Laughs )
358
00:16:13,296 --> 00:16:16,064
You're right, he does kind of
look like that, doesn't he?
359
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:19,701
Okay, that's it. Jen, you have to leave.
360
00:16:19,769 --> 00:16:20,729
Well, if she goes, I go.
361
00:16:20,770 --> 00:16:22,271
Then you both have to go.
362
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:25,574
Good-bye, Charlie.
363
00:16:25,642 --> 00:16:26,708
Jen.
364
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:32,681
I never would have guessed
he'd have left us for a woman.
365
00:16:34,651 --> 00:16:37,131
Okay, anybody want to talk about
what they're feeling right now?
366
00:16:37,154 --> 00:16:39,821
I feel a little confused.
367
00:16:39,889 --> 00:16:42,891
Why won't your dad
be my friend on Facebook?
368
00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:48,475
For you.
369
00:16:49,744 --> 00:16:51,678
What's that?
370
00:16:51,746 --> 00:16:54,581
Just a little something to take your
mind off this whole Patrick mess.
371
00:16:54,648 --> 00:16:56,683
I know your washing machine is fixed,
372
00:16:56,751 --> 00:16:58,184
but in case it ever happens again
373
00:16:58,252 --> 00:17:00,620
I just wanted to get you
a pair of backup underwear.
374
00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:03,523
This one is called
375
00:17:03,591 --> 00:17:05,892
hold the mustard.
376
00:17:08,929 --> 00:17:10,397
You went out and bought that?
377
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:13,266
No, they were my great-grandfather's.
378
00:17:14,351 --> 00:17:16,152
Yeah, well, the joke's on you
379
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:18,686
because what my great-grandfather
gave me won't fit in that bun.
380
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:24,611
Charlie, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I really need you.
381
00:17:24,678 --> 00:17:27,414
What could you possibly need me for?
You know everything.
382
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,616
Well, I thought Patrick
was over the breakup,
383
00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:32,351
but when Mark called him and said he was
gonna pick up the rest of his stuff,
384
00:17:32,420 --> 00:17:33,887
Patrick lost it.
385
00:17:33,954 --> 00:17:35,321
Well, that's because
he's been in denial.
386
00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:36,756
Getting that phone call made him realize
387
00:17:36,824 --> 00:17:38,357
the relationship is officially over.
388
00:17:38,426 --> 00:17:39,959
Oh, man, I should have told him that.
389
00:17:40,027 --> 00:17:41,561
What did you tell him?
390
00:17:41,629 --> 00:17:43,730
To have a glass of wine
and burn a picture of Mark
391
00:17:43,798 --> 00:17:45,832
as a cleansing ritual.
392
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:47,801
I guess a glass turned into a bottle
393
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:49,736
and a picture turned into
all of Mark's stuff.
394
00:17:49,804 --> 00:17:51,738
Got to get over there as soon as I can.
395
00:17:51,806 --> 00:17:53,773
We've got to get there before
he burns all of Mark's stuff.
396
00:17:53,841 --> 00:17:55,308
We have a couple of minutes.
397
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,677
It's gonna take him a while
to drag out the piano.
398
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:01,614
Patrick, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
399
00:18:01,682 --> 00:18:03,850
- Don't do this.
- Nope, Jennifer's right.
400
00:18:03,918 --> 00:18:06,185
I will never feel better
until I get even.
401
00:18:06,253 --> 00:18:08,087
That's not what she said. That's
not what you said, right?
402
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,856
Sort of what I said.
403
00:18:09,924 --> 00:18:12,492
See? It's only sort of what she said.
404
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,495
But this is making me feel better.
405
00:18:15,563 --> 00:18:18,331
Hey, what are you doing?
406
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:19,833
Nothing. Nothing to see here.
407
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,234
Just burning some of
my ex-boyfriend's stuff.
408
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,537
Oh, relationships are tough.
409
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:27,607
When you open your heart
to joy, you risk pain.
410
00:18:27,675 --> 00:18:31,077
But you've got to keep loving,
you've got to keep hurting.
411
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,546
That's really wise.
412
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:35,047
Who are you?
413
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,749
You don't recognize me?
414
00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:40,052
I'm Lester from upstairs. See you, guys.
415
00:18:45,092 --> 00:18:47,159
Patrick, go ahead and light it.
416
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,896
And sure, there'll be a big blaze
and you'll get a ton of attention
417
00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:51,397
and everybody will know
how bad you're hurting.
418
00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:54,400
- Yay!
- But...
419
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:58,304
when the smoke clears, all you'll have
is a pile of ashes and a lawsuit.
420
00:18:58,372 --> 00:19:00,172
And you'll still be stuck with you.
421
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,109
Same problem, same pain.
422
00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:06,278
And the only way that'll change is if
you keep working to make it better.
423
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,681
And I'm here to help you through that.
424
00:19:08,749 --> 00:19:10,783
What do you think I should do, Jen?
425
00:19:10,851 --> 00:19:12,819
I think you should listen to Charlie.
426
00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:15,054
- He knows what he's doing.
- Say it louder.
427
00:19:15,122 --> 00:19:17,690
- No, I heard her.
- Not for you, for me.
428
00:19:19,059 --> 00:19:21,460
I get it.
429
00:19:21,529 --> 00:19:24,697
You know, Charlie, there is one
little thing you could do for me.
430
00:19:24,765 --> 00:19:26,866
That's why I'm here.
431
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:28,768
Could you grab one end of this piano?
432
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:31,604
I've got to get it back upstairs.
Yeah, you, too, coach.
433
00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:33,172
( Claps )
434
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,276
Hey, Dad, did you know
Grandpa's on Facebook?
435
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,045
Yeah, I heard.
436
00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:41,280
Did you know he's dating Lacey?
437
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,250
Well, you can't believe everything
you see on the Internet.
438
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,919
Should I accept Nolan's friend request?
439
00:19:45,986 --> 00:19:47,486
God, no.
440
00:19:47,555 --> 00:19:49,221
( Knocking )
441
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,957
Hey, Charlie.
442
00:19:51,025 --> 00:19:52,491
I'll go get my stuff, Mom.
443
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,729
How you doing?
444
00:19:56,797 --> 00:19:58,798
I'm good.
445
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:01,300
Still a little embarrassed
about the Patrick thing.
446
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,936
I'm really sorry, Charlie.
447
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:04,537
I just thought I'd found my calling.
448
00:20:04,605 --> 00:20:07,239
Don't beat yourself up.
You'll find it one day.
449
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,576
It's so funny. Right from the beginning
450
00:20:09,601 --> 00:20:12,455
I just knew it wasn't going to work out.
451
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,480
Yeah, the same feeling.
452
00:20:15,028 --> 00:20:17,963
Yeah, because you have a
master's degree in psychology.
453
00:20:17,988 --> 00:20:20,754
I just had a gut feeling. And
it's not the first time.
454
00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:22,455
You know what that means.
455
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,713
No, but it makes me uncomfortable.
456
00:20:25,261 --> 00:20:28,333
I'm a psychic. That's what I'm good at.
457
00:20:28,363 --> 00:20:29,880
Jennifer...
458
00:20:29,905 --> 00:20:32,044
People make good money being psychics.
459
00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:34,696
I could work for the police,
and if I hone my gift,
460
00:20:34,721 --> 00:20:37,532
and talk to the dead,
I could be on talk shows...
461
00:20:37,556 --> 00:20:39,993
So, this is going to be your career?
462
00:20:41,049 --> 00:20:44,563
It's going to be difficult
at first, but... yes.
463
00:20:45,540 --> 00:20:48,336
Jen, you really think you
have psychic abilities?
464
00:20:49,439 --> 00:20:52,210
Yes, I do, 'cause...
465
00:20:52,235 --> 00:20:55,070
I knew you'd fall for this.
466
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:58,090
Oh, come on, you're just pretending?
You're making all this stuff up?
467
00:20:58,115 --> 00:21:00,115
- Yeah. ( Laughs )
- Uh.
468
00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:02,700
You had me. If you ever thought about
acting, I bet you could do commercials.
469
00:21:02,725 --> 00:21:04,292
- Really?
- Oh yeah. Yeah.
470
00:21:04,312 --> 00:21:05,925
If... if... if you wanted
to go acting school,
471
00:21:05,938 --> 00:21:07,938
that's something I'm definitely paying for.
472
00:21:07,963 --> 00:21:09,963
Ah, you're just screwing
with me, aren't you?
473
00:21:09,988 --> 00:21:12,922
Wow. You are psychic.
474
00:21:13,150 --> 00:21:23,150
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com