1
00:00:00,609 --> 00:00:02,161
That's a very interesting
perspective, Ed.
2
00:00:02,229 --> 00:00:05,539
So you see all dogs as male,
all cats as female.
3
00:00:06,008 --> 00:00:08,813
What I don't quite understand
is how all squirrels are Jews.
4
00:00:11,525 --> 00:00:14,197
Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.
5
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:16,165
Wow.
6
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:19,672
You know you're overdressed when your
walk of shame includes a suitcase.
7
00:00:19,740 --> 00:00:22,008
When a guy has sex with me,
8
00:00:22,076 --> 00:00:24,015
he's the one who does the walk of shame.
9
00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:26,152
Wait...
10
00:00:26,219 --> 00:00:28,656
No, you're right.
11
00:00:28,724 --> 00:00:31,626
Just congratulate me.
12
00:00:31,693 --> 00:00:33,496
I'm gonna be a pharmaceutical rep.
13
00:00:33,564 --> 00:00:35,334
Pay up.
14
00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:37,370
I told you she'd end up a drug dealer.
15
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:38,738
Damn.
16
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:42,008
I was sure she was gonna
wind up a waitress at Hooters.
17
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,312
Guys, guys, how many times
do I gotta tell you
18
00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:46,015
stop betting on each other's lives?
19
00:00:46,083 --> 00:00:47,684
Unless you wanna bet
that someone's gonna succeed.
20
00:00:47,752 --> 00:00:50,990
Fine. A very successful
waitress at Hooters.
21
00:00:51,057 --> 00:00:52,725
I don't know quite how to measure that.
22
00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:54,728
If you have boobs,
you're a success at Hooters.
23
00:00:56,398 --> 00:00:58,567
So that thing's filled with drugs?
24
00:00:58,635 --> 00:01:02,104
No, I've got six weeks of training
before they give me any drugs to sell.
25
00:01:02,171 --> 00:01:04,731
So you're basically you're just
practicing wheeling around a bag.
26
00:01:05,778 --> 00:01:07,279
So you haven't quit Sephora yet?
27
00:01:07,347 --> 00:01:09,315
I would never quit Sephora.
28
00:01:09,382 --> 00:01:11,250
I love them and they love me.
29
00:01:11,317 --> 00:01:13,318
That's why I have to do
something really horrible
30
00:01:13,386 --> 00:01:16,154
so they fire me and I can
collect unemployment.
31
00:01:16,222 --> 00:01:18,758
You're gonna get fired on purpose
32
00:01:18,825 --> 00:01:20,159
- so you can collect unemployment?
- Mm-hmm.
33
00:01:20,227 --> 00:01:21,467
Do you know what that makes you?
34
00:01:21,493 --> 00:01:23,452
An American?
35
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,553
( Crying )
She's dead, Charlie.
36
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,956
One minute I'm talking
to her on the phone
37
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,624
and the next minute, she's dead.
38
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:32,758
Sorry, guys, let's pick this up tomorrow.
39
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,659
( Sobbing )
40
00:01:36,561 --> 00:01:38,528
It's okay. It's all
right, it's all right.
41
00:01:38,596 --> 00:01:41,130
Just take a deep breath...
42
00:01:41,198 --> 00:01:43,632
take a deep breath
and tell me what happened.
43
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:45,534
Nothing. I just didn't wanna wait
44
00:01:45,602 --> 00:01:47,903
till the end of your group
to talk to you.
45
00:01:47,970 --> 00:01:50,050
Why the hell won't you do
this research study with me?
46
00:01:50,073 --> 00:01:52,441
You scared my group out of here so
you could talk about the study?
47
00:01:52,509 --> 00:01:54,710
You won't return my texts,
my calls, nothing.
48
00:01:54,777 --> 00:01:57,279
Both our names are on the grant.
49
00:01:57,347 --> 00:01:59,815
The institute won't let one of
us do it without the other.
50
00:01:59,883 --> 00:02:02,818
You've got to do this. It could
make both of our careers.
51
00:02:02,885 --> 00:02:04,853
There's more to life
than a career, you know.
52
00:02:04,921 --> 00:02:07,689
You're babbling, speak English.
53
00:02:07,757 --> 00:02:10,359
We can't do this together.
We can't do anything together.
54
00:02:10,427 --> 00:02:12,361
You don't want a relationship,
we just broke up.
55
00:02:12,429 --> 00:02:15,331
Charlie, you can't pass this up.
56
00:02:15,398 --> 00:02:17,365
Don't you want the book deals,
57
00:02:17,433 --> 00:02:19,868
the talk shows,
the acclaim from your peers?
58
00:02:19,936 --> 00:02:21,976
I don't have a pathetic need
for that kind of stuff,
59
00:02:22,038 --> 00:02:23,705
but it's okay if you do.
60
00:02:23,772 --> 00:02:25,139
And I understand that you
need my help to get there...
61
00:02:25,207 --> 00:02:27,975
but I'm not gonna do it.
62
00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:29,710
Sorry.
63
00:02:29,778 --> 00:02:32,279
You know what I think?
64
00:02:32,347 --> 00:02:33,914
You're doing this to punish me.
65
00:02:33,982 --> 00:02:35,148
Maybe.
66
00:02:36,151 --> 00:02:37,318
( Theme music playing )
67
00:02:37,343 --> 00:02:41,343
Anger Management 2x22
- Charlie and Kate Start a Sex Study -
Original air date June 6, 2013
68
00:02:41,368 --> 00:02:44,468
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
69
00:02:44,559 --> 00:02:47,628
Hey, I found a match. I can finally
charge my mini disc player.
70
00:02:47,695 --> 00:02:49,196
Thank God.
71
00:02:49,264 --> 00:02:52,532
Now you can bring your
music with you in 1997.
72
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,269
No, this is fantastic.
73
00:02:55,337 --> 00:02:57,237
You gotta find a cord
to the cassette player.
74
00:02:57,305 --> 00:03:00,007
I wanna play the apology
mix-tape Charlie made for me.
75
00:03:00,074 --> 00:03:02,343
There's more than one
if I remember correctly.
76
00:03:02,411 --> 00:03:03,844
I believe there was a whole series.
77
00:03:03,912 --> 00:03:05,680
I'd get a new one every month.
78
00:03:05,748 --> 00:03:08,750
It was like being in
the Bad Relationship Music Club.
79
00:03:08,817 --> 00:03:12,220
I was just expressing my feelings
the only way I knew how.
80
00:03:12,288 --> 00:03:15,524
How come this one says, "Tempted by
the fruit of another, me so horny"?
81
00:03:15,592 --> 00:03:18,627
That... that wasn't for you.
82
00:03:18,695 --> 00:03:20,429
I'm gonna go see if Sam found anything.
83
00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:25,368
When we're done, I'm taking you
out for a big steak dinner.
84
00:03:25,436 --> 00:03:27,971
We're celebrating... Kate came
crawling back to me today.
85
00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:31,008
Oh, so we're celebrating that
you two are having sex again.
86
00:03:31,075 --> 00:03:33,844
No, no, she seems okay without that.
87
00:03:33,912 --> 00:03:37,482
Oh, then we're celebrating
that she missed you
88
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,784
and wants to be your friend again.
That's just as important.
89
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:41,453
No, she doesn't wanna be my friend.
90
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,355
Okay, just for the record,
91
00:03:43,422 --> 00:03:46,825
this is turning out to be a very
disappointing crawling-back story.
92
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,660
No, no, no, no.
93
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,697
We're celebrating that she begged
me to do the big sex study
94
00:03:51,764 --> 00:03:53,399
that we got the grant for.
And I said no.
95
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,200
You said no?
96
00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,069
No is a very powerful word, my friend.
97
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,971
You should use it sometime, like
when I ask you to come over
98
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,606
and do stupid stuff like this.
99
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:04,176
Sam found some more stuff
that goes with the cords.
100
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,313
- Oh, my God. Is that a Barbie Dreamcorder?
- Yeah.
101
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:11,216
- You know what that needs? - A little
imagination and Ken to press record?
102
00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,585
A pink cord.
( Jen laughs )
103
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:16,889
And boom goes the dynamite,
104
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,057
I want a porterhouse.
105
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,094
Oh, my God. This is gonna be hilarious.
106
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,897
When I was five, I dressed
up my dad as Tinker Bell
107
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,834
and we had a tea party and I
recorded the whole thing.
108
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,869
- Give me the Dreamcorder.
- Run, Sam, hide it.
109
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,671
I'll pay you 100 bucks
if you show me later.
110
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:36,342
200 if you put it on YouTube.
111
00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:38,077
You know what? I don't care
what she does with it.
112
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:40,680
I looked damn good in the wings
and the blue eye shadow.
113
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,816
Okay, so why did you turn
Kate down for the study?
114
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,085
Because there's no grant
unless we both do it.
115
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,887
She needed me and I wasn't gonna
give her the satisfaction.
116
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,922
Oh, good for you, man.
117
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,592
She destroyed you and this is
your way of letting her know.
118
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,993
She didn't destroy me.
119
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,561
I was coming from
a position of strength.
120
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,330
I showed her that I was
controlling my own destiny.
121
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,933
And you did that by running
away and hiding from her.
122
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,635
Yes. What? No.
123
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:05,338
No. I'm not hiding from anybody.
124
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,907
You know what? I'm gonna do that study.
125
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,776
I'm strong, I can handle anything.
126
00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:11,311
( Laughs )
Oh, my God.
127
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,981
The Internet is gonna
fall in love with you.
128
00:05:14,049 --> 00:05:17,718
You look so adorable doing
your little tippy-toe dance.
129
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,188
That took a tremendous amount
of strength.
130
00:05:20,255 --> 00:05:22,655
Especially being thrown off
balance by the giant fairy wings.
131
00:05:29,138 --> 00:05:31,807
So whenever you feel the urge to steal,
132
00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:33,875
remember to take a deep breath
133
00:05:33,943 --> 00:05:37,079
and realize that this is all just
part of your compulsive disorder.
134
00:05:37,146 --> 00:05:38,814
It will pass.
135
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,202
Now give me back my fountain pen.
136
00:05:41,718 --> 00:05:43,519
And my stapler.
137
00:05:45,122 --> 00:05:47,123
And my phone.
138
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:50,893
By the way, you're very good.
( Laughs )
139
00:05:53,797 --> 00:05:55,277
Oh, Charlie, what are you doing here?
140
00:05:55,298 --> 00:05:57,800
Waiting for you to realize
she just stole your watch.
141
00:05:59,770 --> 00:06:02,538
She'll bring it back.
She also has a guilt complex.
142
00:06:03,707 --> 00:06:06,109
So, what's up?
143
00:06:06,177 --> 00:06:07,644
I'm ready to do the study.
144
00:06:07,712 --> 00:06:09,312
Oh, you are?
145
00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:11,314
What about punishing me?
146
00:06:11,382 --> 00:06:12,582
I realized that was immature.
147
00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:14,818
Kinda like our entire relationship.
148
00:06:14,886 --> 00:06:17,020
I'm tired of running into
the same brick wall
149
00:06:17,088 --> 00:06:19,122
trying to turn you into
something you'll never be.
150
00:06:19,190 --> 00:06:20,623
I'm over you.
151
00:06:20,691 --> 00:06:23,526
Oh. Oh, good.
152
00:06:23,594 --> 00:06:24,761
You're damn right it's good.
153
00:06:24,829 --> 00:06:27,063
Now here's the deal...
154
00:06:27,131 --> 00:06:29,632
no after hours, no going
to each other's houses.
155
00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:31,600
We are only there as scientists.
156
00:06:31,668 --> 00:06:33,536
Right, scientists.
157
00:06:33,603 --> 00:06:35,671
Comparing the relative
happiness of couples
158
00:06:35,738 --> 00:06:37,306
in "friends with benefits" arrangements
159
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:40,809
with couples in traditional
monogamist sexual relationships.
160
00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:42,344
And that's it.
161
00:06:42,412 --> 00:06:43,812
Damn right that's it.
162
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,248
You don't have to agree
to everything you propose
163
00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:47,883
that I agree to.
164
00:06:47,951 --> 00:06:49,885
It's redundant, okay?
165
00:06:49,953 --> 00:06:51,187
You're damn right it's okay.
166
00:06:51,254 --> 00:06:52,988
I will call the university
167
00:06:53,056 --> 00:06:54,657
and set us up
with some offices tomorrow.
168
00:06:55,692 --> 00:06:57,960
I look forward to working with you.
169
00:06:58,028 --> 00:06:59,929
A handshake, how professional.
170
00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:03,833
Oh, and make sure
you get one of those labs
171
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:05,935
that has one of those mirrors you
can only see through one way.
172
00:07:06,003 --> 00:07:07,870
You mean a two-way mirror.
173
00:07:07,938 --> 00:07:10,907
No, a two-way mirror is one where
you can see through both ways.
174
00:07:10,975 --> 00:07:13,176
That's a window.
175
00:07:13,244 --> 00:07:16,080
We don't want a window.
176
00:07:16,148 --> 00:07:18,249
We're gonna be
observing people having sex.
177
00:07:18,317 --> 00:07:19,638
We don't want them looking at us.
178
00:07:19,651 --> 00:07:21,252
That would be an invasion
of our privacy.
179
00:07:24,057 --> 00:07:25,491
Okay, this is gonna be easy.
180
00:07:25,558 --> 00:07:28,160
You ask me a simple question,
I come back at you over the top,
181
00:07:28,227 --> 00:07:30,195
- then you demand that I get fired, got it?
- Got it.
182
00:07:30,263 --> 00:07:32,964
Let's do this.
183
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:35,132
Welcome to Sephora, how can I help you?
184
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,401
- I thought I was supposed to start?
- Oh, my God. Fine.
185
00:07:41,438 --> 00:07:44,540
What are you waiting for?
186
00:07:44,608 --> 00:07:47,289
I'm trying to decide between the
face moisturizer or the foot cream.
187
00:07:48,611 --> 00:07:50,044
Who cares? Just pick one.
188
00:07:50,112 --> 00:07:52,446
I care. I wanna take care of my face,
189
00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,215
but flip-flop season's
right around the corner.
190
00:07:55,283 --> 00:07:57,784
Just pick something, you stupid tool!
191
00:07:57,852 --> 00:07:59,286
God, how dumb are you?
192
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,821
I'm just trying to make a good choice.
193
00:08:01,889 --> 00:08:03,556
Why do you hurt people?
194
00:08:05,758 --> 00:08:07,225
I'm sorry, is there a problem?
195
00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:09,560
Yeah, she just started yelling at me
196
00:08:09,628 --> 00:08:11,748
because I couldn't decide
between the face moisturizer
197
00:08:11,797 --> 00:08:13,963
or the foot one.
( Sniffles )
198
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:15,665
I'm not dumb, you know.
199
00:08:15,733 --> 00:08:19,101
Here, please, take a jar
of each, no charge.
200
00:08:19,169 --> 00:08:20,530
Lacey, can I see you for a minute?
201
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,474
I know, I'm fired. I'm gonna miss
this place. I'll go get my stuff.
202
00:08:25,541 --> 00:08:27,475
I can't fire you, you're Indian.
203
00:08:27,543 --> 00:08:29,611
I'd be inviting
a discrimination lawsuit.
204
00:08:29,678 --> 00:08:32,446
Wait, so you're not gonna fire me?
205
00:08:32,514 --> 00:08:34,715
I swear, I won't sue.
206
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:37,050
That's what Shaniqua
and Ching-Chang said.
207
00:08:37,118 --> 00:08:39,052
His name wasn't Ching-Chang.
208
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,954
Oh, yeah, that's in the lawsuit, too.
209
00:08:43,325 --> 00:08:45,325
Thank you both for coming.
210
00:08:45,393 --> 00:08:47,227
We're interviewing potential subjects
for a study we're conducting
211
00:08:47,295 --> 00:08:49,096
regarding sexual behavior
in relationships.
212
00:08:49,163 --> 00:08:51,331
We've invited couples who are either in
213
00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:53,834
a traditional monogamist relationship
214
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,436
or in a friends with
benefits relationship.
215
00:08:56,504 --> 00:08:59,240
Wait, wait, wait, wait. You gonna
say it like that every time?
216
00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:01,109
Say what?
217
00:09:01,176 --> 00:09:04,979
- You were all like, "monogamist."
- No, I wasn't.
218
00:09:05,047 --> 00:09:06,815
Yes, you were. Didn't
you hear it that way?
219
00:09:06,883 --> 00:09:08,517
Yeah, she was all kinda like,
220
00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:09,651
( mutters )
"monogamist."
221
00:09:11,588 --> 00:09:13,723
See, you're already being biased.
222
00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:16,292
I am not biased. It's the words.
223
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,729
Friends and benefits
are very positive words.
224
00:09:19,796 --> 00:09:21,397
You know, hey, I've got friends.
225
00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:24,333
Oh, look, there's benefits.
226
00:09:24,401 --> 00:09:27,904
Oh, no, I got traditional monogamy.
( Groans )
227
00:09:27,972 --> 00:09:30,239
You can't put "oh, no" in front of it.
228
00:09:30,307 --> 00:09:32,208
Well, I was just using it in a sentence.
229
00:09:32,276 --> 00:09:34,377
Fine. I can do it this way,
230
00:09:34,445 --> 00:09:36,946
hot damn, I found traditional monogamy!
231
00:09:37,014 --> 00:09:38,748
Kate: Who the hell would say that?
232
00:09:38,816 --> 00:09:41,585
An old-timey relationship prospector?
233
00:09:41,652 --> 00:09:44,554
How 'bout we all agree to disagree?
234
00:09:44,622 --> 00:09:46,189
Here, we filled out the questionnaire.
235
00:09:46,257 --> 00:09:48,225
Yeah, you can shred that
on your way out the door
236
00:09:48,292 --> 00:09:50,892
'cause your involvement's been
compromised by what you just heard.
237
00:09:50,895 --> 00:09:53,997
Well, we still get that $10
iTunes gift card, though, right?
238
00:09:54,065 --> 00:09:57,434
Yeah, sorry, those are only for
people who make it into the study.
239
00:09:57,501 --> 00:10:01,271
Yeah, those are some of the "benefits."
240
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,507
Anyway, we found that making
241
00:10:03,574 --> 00:10:06,009
an appointment for sex has
really helped our marriage.
242
00:10:06,077 --> 00:10:08,111
Man: Yeah, our minister suggested it,
243
00:10:08,179 --> 00:10:11,314
so now I know that every Thursday
when I come home from work
244
00:10:11,382 --> 00:10:14,117
and she's sipping a martini
through that leather mask,
245
00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:17,654
well, by gosh, it's on.
246
00:10:26,097 --> 00:10:28,599
Oh, we're pretty active in the bedroom.
247
00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:30,201
And we'll tell you everything.
248
00:10:30,269 --> 00:10:34,272
With us, it's just sex, sex, sex.
249
00:10:36,608 --> 00:10:39,043
You're just here for the
iTunes gift card, aren't you?
250
00:10:40,812 --> 00:10:42,546
Please, don't make us kiss.
251
00:10:46,818 --> 00:10:47,785
( Clears throat )
252
00:10:49,054 --> 00:10:50,455
We're perfect for the study.
253
00:10:50,522 --> 00:10:54,192
We've been married 20 years
and our sex is a wonderment.
254
00:10:57,262 --> 00:11:00,264
It's more than just lovemaking,
255
00:11:00,332 --> 00:11:02,600
our souls are intertwined.
256
00:11:05,671 --> 00:11:07,304
Afterwards,
257
00:11:07,372 --> 00:11:09,807
we're both so emotionally drained,
258
00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,076
we have to cuddle for at least an hour.
259
00:11:13,778 --> 00:11:15,012
( Stifled laugh )
260
00:11:15,079 --> 00:11:16,880
What? What's happening?
261
00:11:23,888 --> 00:11:25,689
I am so close
262
00:11:25,757 --> 00:11:28,092
and he's just teasing me
263
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:31,462
and it's like he knows what I'm thinking
264
00:11:31,530 --> 00:11:34,132
and he's not stopping
265
00:11:34,199 --> 00:11:37,101
and I don't want him to stop.
266
00:11:37,169 --> 00:11:39,003
Is this too much detail?
267
00:11:43,676 --> 00:11:45,410
I don't think it's too much.
Do you think it's too much?
268
00:11:45,478 --> 00:11:47,046
No, I don't think it's too much.
269
00:11:47,113 --> 00:11:49,982
I think it's right on the money.
270
00:11:50,049 --> 00:11:52,785
He just has this way
271
00:11:52,853 --> 00:11:55,221
of keeping me there.
272
00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:59,358
And the tension is almost unbearable.
273
00:11:59,426 --> 00:12:03,329
Just the way our bodies move together.
274
00:12:03,397 --> 00:12:05,064
Hey, we really should go.
275
00:12:05,132 --> 00:12:06,833
We're going to be late
for our couples massage.
276
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,436
- Oh.
- Let us know if we made the study.
277
00:12:09,504 --> 00:12:11,371
- We'll be in touch.
- Touch.
278
00:12:17,179 --> 00:12:20,181
- So...
- So...
279
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:22,208
I think we should take
a 10-minute bathroom break.
280
00:12:22,217 --> 00:12:23,818
- I only need five.
- I'm good with that.
281
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,420
( Clears throat )
Is that fresh coffee?
282
00:12:33,511 --> 00:12:34,878
I just made it.
283
00:12:34,946 --> 00:12:36,846
May I...
284
00:12:38,137 --> 00:12:40,271
Sure.
285
00:12:40,339 --> 00:12:42,040
So that was awkward.
286
00:12:42,108 --> 00:12:45,777
- What was awkward?
- You know, what we just did.
287
00:12:45,845 --> 00:12:48,546
I don't know what you did,
but I went to the bathroom.
288
00:12:48,614 --> 00:12:52,217
And that stopped being awkward when they
transferred me to the big-boy potty.
289
00:12:52,285 --> 00:12:55,086
Charlie, please, we were
both so crazy turned on,
290
00:12:55,154 --> 00:12:56,487
we both went to the
bathroom and, you know,
291
00:12:56,555 --> 00:12:58,723
took matters into our own hands.
292
00:12:58,791 --> 00:13:01,025
I did no such thing.
293
00:13:01,093 --> 00:13:03,895
Why are you denying this?
294
00:13:03,962 --> 00:13:07,365
This is a sexually charged environment
and, given our personal history,
295
00:13:07,433 --> 00:13:10,134
this is probably going to be a
problem on a fairly regular basis.
296
00:13:10,202 --> 00:13:11,936
We have to figure this out.
297
00:13:12,004 --> 00:13:14,639
You have to figure it out
because I don't have a problem.
298
00:13:14,707 --> 00:13:16,608
Well, good for you.
299
00:13:16,676 --> 00:13:17,976
Damn right it's good.
300
00:13:20,580 --> 00:13:22,314
( Whispers )
Wow.
301
00:13:30,657 --> 00:13:33,492
You sure this is gonna work?
The last time was a disaster.
302
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,162
Trust me. Did you bring my
two cases of wrinkle cream?
303
00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:37,897
Two cases? I thought we agreed on one.
304
00:13:37,965 --> 00:13:39,932
Look, if you don't like the terms,
305
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,435
I can always take my
crow's-feet and go elsewhere.
306
00:13:42,503 --> 00:13:44,437
You don't have any stupid crow's feet.
307
00:13:44,505 --> 00:13:46,539
And I intend to keep it that way.
308
00:13:48,442 --> 00:13:49,775
Fine. Two cases.
309
00:13:49,843 --> 00:13:53,012
Good. Let's do this.
I have a lunch to get to.
310
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,814
What do you mean you won't
sell me this because I'm gay?!
311
00:13:56,983 --> 00:13:58,650
Is there a problem, sir?
312
00:13:58,718 --> 00:14:00,819
Yes, this "young lady"
313
00:14:00,887 --> 00:14:03,088
just informed me that my
money is not welcome here
314
00:14:03,155 --> 00:14:05,290
because of the way I was born.
315
00:14:05,357 --> 00:14:08,426
- I'm so sorry, sir.
- I want her terminated.
316
00:14:08,494 --> 00:14:10,295
Oh, no, please, don't.
317
00:14:10,362 --> 00:14:11,996
No.
318
00:14:12,064 --> 00:14:13,631
Lacey, you're fired.
319
00:14:13,699 --> 00:14:15,633
Pack up your stuff right now and leave.
320
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:18,169
But... but... okay.
321
00:14:20,506 --> 00:14:22,741
Oh, my God, you were right.
322
00:14:22,808 --> 00:14:25,043
Told you. In the world
of discrimination lawsuits,
323
00:14:25,111 --> 00:14:27,412
gay beats Indian every time.
324
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,716
- I had no idea.
- Yeah.
325
00:14:30,783 --> 00:14:33,252
There should be a chart for what
beats what. Like in poker.
326
00:14:33,319 --> 00:14:35,154
The only way you could've beat me
327
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,957
is if you were a Native American-lesbian-
war hero in a wheelchair.
328
00:14:38,025 --> 00:14:39,525
( Chuckles )
It's a royal flush.
329
00:14:45,266 --> 00:14:47,266
So, Wayne, I understand we're
celebrating something.
330
00:14:47,301 --> 00:14:48,802
That's right, Charlie.
331
00:14:48,869 --> 00:14:50,837
Excuse me if I'm a bit giddy today,
332
00:14:50,905 --> 00:14:53,440
but you'll be happy to know,
as of one hour ago,
333
00:14:53,507 --> 00:14:55,909
I celebrated my 30-day milestone.
334
00:14:55,976 --> 00:14:58,344
30 days of no anger, that's excellent.
335
00:14:58,412 --> 00:15:00,180
No, no. I was angry.
336
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,782
30 days of no stabbing.
337
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:06,019
( Applause )
Oh. I'm just kidding.
338
00:15:06,086 --> 00:15:09,088
( Laughs )
339
00:15:09,156 --> 00:15:11,758
Well, good for you. It must be tough when
you're surrounded by so much violence.
340
00:15:11,826 --> 00:15:13,994
True that because I wanted
to kill my cellmate.
341
00:15:14,062 --> 00:15:15,495
It seems unfair.
342
00:15:15,563 --> 00:15:17,631
I mean, everybody else
was killing their cellmate,
343
00:15:17,698 --> 00:15:18,779
it looked like so much fun.
344
00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:21,335
You know what?
345
00:15:21,402 --> 00:15:24,471
Kill him at Christmas
as a gift to yourself.
346
00:15:24,539 --> 00:15:26,273
That's what I did last year.
347
00:15:26,341 --> 00:15:28,943
I gave myself a white supremacist...
( Yells )
348
00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:34,848
Well, it's always nice to have someone
to open on Christmas morning.
349
00:15:38,118 --> 00:15:39,919
Well, I am proud of you, Wayne.
I know how it feels
350
00:15:39,987 --> 00:15:42,388
to be in close proximity of somebody
you have strong feelings for.
351
00:15:42,456 --> 00:15:44,690
You're tempted to do things
that you shouldn't.
352
00:15:44,757 --> 00:15:47,158
Oh, man, Charlie talking
about that girl again.
353
00:15:47,226 --> 00:15:49,293
Is it that same bitch?
354
00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:51,362
Yes.
355
00:15:52,865 --> 00:15:54,799
What's going on, Charlie?
356
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,667
We broke up.
357
00:15:56,735 --> 00:15:58,770
But now we're doing a research
study together about sex
358
00:15:58,838 --> 00:16:00,772
and it's killing me.
359
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,776
I think it's very insensitive
of you to bring up killing
360
00:16:03,843 --> 00:16:07,013
when you know I can't do that right now.
361
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,349
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Wayne.
362
00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:11,784
The problem is this project's
gonna take several months.
363
00:16:11,852 --> 00:16:13,686
So every day, I'm gonna be trapped
in a little room with someone
364
00:16:13,754 --> 00:16:15,588
that I can't keep my hands off of.
365
00:16:15,656 --> 00:16:17,790
Been there, doing that.
366
00:16:19,393 --> 00:16:20,626
Don't give up, Charlie.
367
00:16:20,694 --> 00:16:22,161
To be honest, I couldn't have done
368
00:16:22,229 --> 00:16:25,532
30 days of stablessness on my own.
369
00:16:25,599 --> 00:16:28,401
Well, thank you, Wayne.
That means a lot to me.
370
00:16:28,469 --> 00:16:30,203
Well, it shouldn't.
371
00:16:30,271 --> 00:16:32,552
I'm talking about that big ole
son of a bitch right there.
372
00:16:34,042 --> 00:16:35,542
After all my stabbing,
373
00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:38,546
they decided to put someone on me 24/7.
374
00:16:38,613 --> 00:16:41,883
Kinda changes the dynamic
having a third party observing.
375
00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:44,085
It's a total mood killer.
376
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:50,225
Hey, Ryan, would you make
four copies of this for me?
377
00:16:50,292 --> 00:16:51,893
- Yeah, sure, Charlie.
- Thank you.
378
00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:55,731
Hey, good idea bringing on an intern.
379
00:16:55,799 --> 00:16:58,166
The energy in here isn't as...
380
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,402
charged after our sex interviews.
381
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:02,270
I don't know what energy
you're talking about.
382
00:17:02,338 --> 00:17:04,872
I never felt any energy.
383
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,141
Look, I'm just saying
384
00:17:07,209 --> 00:17:09,543
you did the right thing, you know?
385
00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:11,445
Why can't you admit
386
00:17:11,512 --> 00:17:13,146
that you brought him in
because you were turned on?
387
00:17:13,214 --> 00:17:15,015
Because I wasn't.
388
00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:18,818
( Giggles )
So I don't turn you on at all?
389
00:17:18,886 --> 00:17:22,122
Three weeks ago, you wanted to
bang me when I had the flu.
390
00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:25,625
The flu turns me on.
391
00:17:25,693 --> 00:17:27,928
You don't.
392
00:17:27,996 --> 00:17:31,466
Oh, so you'd probably be okay
if I asked Ryan out tonight.
393
00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:33,368
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
394
00:17:33,435 --> 00:17:35,069
You wanna go out with the intern?
395
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,839
Why do you care? There's no
chemistry between us now, right?
396
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:40,841
What makes you think he even
wants to go out with you?
397
00:17:40,909 --> 00:17:43,244
- Ryan, do you wanna go out with me?
- Hell, yeah.
398
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,147
Fine. Do whatever you want.
399
00:17:47,215 --> 00:17:48,949
I just think an intern is beneath you.
400
00:17:49,017 --> 00:17:51,518
From your lips to God's ears.
401
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:53,153
( Clicks tongue )
402
00:17:58,336 --> 00:18:00,571
- Good morning, Charlie.
- Kate.
403
00:18:00,639 --> 00:18:02,673
Ryan will be right in.
404
00:18:02,740 --> 00:18:04,842
He's picking me up some breakfast.
405
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:07,778
Cool. So how'd your date go?
406
00:18:07,846 --> 00:18:10,514
Well, you know what they say
about young men. ( Giggles )
407
00:18:10,582 --> 00:18:12,350
That they have no money
and when you go out with them,
408
00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:14,418
you have to pay for everything?
409
00:18:14,486 --> 00:18:16,053
Besides that.
410
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:18,790
They're not afraid to tell you
when they're turned on.
411
00:18:18,857 --> 00:18:21,192
( Quietly )
And tell you and tell you and tell you.
412
00:18:23,562 --> 00:18:24,729
Well, I'm happy you had fun.
413
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:29,333
Here, Charlie. I transcribed
those interviews you asked for.
414
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:31,302
Boy, those people are not shy.
415
00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:33,237
Thank you.
416
00:18:33,305 --> 00:18:34,666
- Hi. Who are you?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
417
00:18:34,707 --> 00:18:36,674
Kate, this is Natalie.
She's our new intern.
418
00:18:36,742 --> 00:18:39,702
I figured we're gonna be so busy around
here, we might need the extra help.
419
00:18:40,146 --> 00:18:41,413
Nice to meet you, Kate.
420
00:18:45,051 --> 00:18:47,285
Oh, please.
421
00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:50,789
Hey, if you can hit on an intern, so can I.
You started it.
422
00:18:50,856 --> 00:18:52,090
You're bluffing.
423
00:18:52,158 --> 00:18:53,992
Oh, really?
424
00:18:54,060 --> 00:18:56,528
Watch this.
425
00:18:56,596 --> 00:18:58,597
- Hey, Natalie.
- Yeah?
426
00:18:58,665 --> 00:19:01,299
- How 'bout you and I go out tonight?
- No, you're old.
427
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:03,402
( Laughs )
428
00:19:05,972 --> 00:19:07,339
You know what sucks?
429
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:17,115
When you try to use someone
to get back at someone
430
00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:19,985
and the whole plan
completely falls apart.
431
00:19:20,053 --> 00:19:22,854
Hey, my part of the plan
worked out pretty well.
432
00:19:22,922 --> 00:19:25,190
Except for hanging out
with Ryan and his roommates
433
00:19:25,258 --> 00:19:28,494
for four hours
playing World of Warcraft.
434
00:19:28,562 --> 00:19:30,996
It turns out I'm chaotic neutral.
435
00:19:31,063 --> 00:19:33,465
No, you're chaos central.
436
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:36,936
Okay, I'm ready to say it.
437
00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:39,505
I was turned on the other day.
438
00:19:39,573 --> 00:19:42,275
I was turned on, but I have
too much pride to admit it.
439
00:19:42,343 --> 00:19:44,277
- This isn't easy for me.
- Yeah, well, this is hard for me, too.
440
00:19:44,345 --> 00:19:46,312
- Good.
- Yeah.
441
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:48,700
And I don't think threatening
to sleep with our hot interns
442
00:19:48,716 --> 00:19:50,683
from our steamy sex lab is the answer.
443
00:19:50,751 --> 00:19:54,454
You're right. You're right.
444
00:19:54,522 --> 00:19:57,190
So were you actually considering
having sex with that kid?
445
00:19:57,258 --> 00:19:59,493
God, no. He still sleeps
on "Star Wars" sheets
446
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,495
and has a dorm curfew.
447
00:20:03,131 --> 00:20:05,732
Oh, yeah? Well, you're old.
448
00:20:10,272 --> 00:20:13,008
Okay, they're both fired.
449
00:20:13,075 --> 00:20:14,709
Agreed.
450
00:20:14,777 --> 00:20:16,545
So what do we do now?
451
00:20:18,348 --> 00:20:21,317
So we're both just lying
there covered in sweat
452
00:20:21,384 --> 00:20:23,619
trying to catch our breath.
453
00:20:23,687 --> 00:20:25,988
We couldn't believe
what we had just done.
454
00:20:26,055 --> 00:20:27,789
But I knew I wanted to do it again.
455
00:20:29,559 --> 00:20:31,026
Well, thank you for coming back.
456
00:20:31,094 --> 00:20:32,827
I think we can both agree
457
00:20:32,895 --> 00:20:33,895
we'd like you to be part of the study.
458
00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:36,664
Absolutely. That'd be great.
459
00:20:36,732 --> 00:20:39,367
- Thank you so much.
- Great, thank you. See you soon.
460
00:20:42,537 --> 00:20:44,671
Well, I think our new system
is working out great.
461
00:20:44,739 --> 00:20:47,174
I agree. I feel nothing.
462
00:20:47,242 --> 00:20:48,809
Neither do I.
463
00:20:55,116 --> 00:20:57,751
Can I get you guys some
coffee before I hit the can?
464
00:21:00,054 --> 00:21:02,422
I'm gonna be awhile.
465
00:21:02,490 --> 00:21:05,852
I'm gonna have to put breakfast
nachos on the "don't" list.
466
00:21:08,697 --> 00:21:11,610
Nep! Not that one.
467
00:21:11,635 --> 00:21:21,635
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com