1
00:00:00,609 --> 00:00:03,625
I think the frequency
of our sexual encounters
2
00:00:03,692 --> 00:00:05,460
leveled off around
3
00:00:05,527 --> 00:00:07,262
the sixth year of marriage.
4
00:00:07,329 --> 00:00:09,931
Otherwise, it was a
pretty good year for me.
5
00:00:09,999 --> 00:00:11,967
- I was...
- Who cares?!
6
00:00:12,034 --> 00:00:14,369
I don't care! Who cares?!
7
00:00:14,436 --> 00:00:16,671
Charlie, turn this off before we die.
8
00:00:16,739 --> 00:00:19,340
Or would it be more exciting
9
00:00:19,408 --> 00:00:21,409
if we were listening...
10
00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:25,113
to the sex life of Hitler?
11
00:00:26,582 --> 00:00:28,817
Or, even scarier...
12
00:00:30,519 --> 00:00:32,553
pirate Hitler.
13
00:00:32,621 --> 00:00:34,823
Ruler of the Third Reich
from the seven seas.
14
00:00:36,592 --> 00:00:39,394
But still fun at parties.
15
00:00:41,964 --> 00:00:44,465
And you thought we wouldn't
be able to work together.
16
00:00:44,533 --> 00:00:47,333
Maybe we should change the whole
research project to computer doodling.
17
00:00:48,370 --> 00:00:50,272
Could talk about it over dinner.
18
00:00:50,339 --> 00:00:52,340
That's a dangerous road, Charlie.
19
00:00:52,408 --> 00:00:53,775
The road's not that dangerous,
20
00:00:53,843 --> 00:00:55,677
I used to drive that road all the time.
21
00:00:55,744 --> 00:00:57,512
No, no, no, no, no.
22
00:00:57,579 --> 00:01:00,415
That's why I got an attack dog.
For people like you.
23
00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:01,950
Sic him, Rex. Sic him.
24
00:01:03,886 --> 00:01:05,954
In three years, when he's trained
to do that sort of thing,
25
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:07,522
you'll be sorry.
26
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:08,990
So you decided to keep him?
27
00:01:09,058 --> 00:01:10,892
No, I'm taking him back to the breeder.
28
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,995
It's too much work
and they're so emotional.
29
00:01:14,063 --> 00:01:15,964
Everything is like the greatest
thing they've ever seen.
30
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:18,700
A dirty tennis ball
is like a double rainbow.
31
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:20,936
Don't worry about robot girl, Rex.
32
00:01:21,003 --> 00:01:23,104
One day a human will adopt you.
33
00:01:23,172 --> 00:01:24,973
If you like him so much,
34
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:27,809
why don't you take him for a walk?
35
00:01:27,877 --> 00:01:29,878
I'd love to, but I gotta
get home and pack.
36
00:01:32,014 --> 00:01:33,949
In the morning, I'm taking the
group to Tahoe to celebrate.
37
00:01:34,016 --> 00:01:36,985
For the first time, they've made it
30 days without an anger incident.
38
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,420
Oh, so you're rewarding
them for the healthy thing
39
00:01:39,488 --> 00:01:41,368
they're supposed to be
doing in the first place.
40
00:01:41,423 --> 00:01:44,326
That's like rewarding Rex
for laying there.
41
00:01:44,393 --> 00:01:46,061
God, he's so much work.
42
00:01:47,763 --> 00:01:49,898
It's not about the trip,
it's about the milestone.
43
00:01:49,966 --> 00:01:52,367
They deserve to be rewarded
for making it 30 days.
44
00:01:52,434 --> 00:01:54,736
Although, as of tomorrow,
it'll only be 29.
45
00:01:54,803 --> 00:01:58,439
Mm. Pardon robot girl for being dubious,
46
00:01:58,507 --> 00:02:01,109
but on the last day
of your no-anger marathon,
47
00:02:01,177 --> 00:02:03,511
you're going to take your
anger group to an airport.
48
00:02:03,579 --> 00:02:07,182
In my clinical opinion, you're stupid.
49
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,050
Ah, you may think that,
50
00:02:09,118 --> 00:02:10,752
but wait till you hear my reasoning.
51
00:02:10,819 --> 00:02:12,754
When I bought the tickets online,
52
00:02:12,821 --> 00:02:14,990
I put in the wrong day.
53
00:02:15,908 --> 00:02:19,408
Anger Management 2x25
- Charlie and the Airport Sext -
Original air date June 20, 2013
54
00:02:19,432 --> 00:02:21,432
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
55
00:02:21,463 --> 00:02:24,665
Okay, so leave this light here on all
night, stack the mail right here,
56
00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:27,602
and, if you can, try to figure out who's
been stealing my "Sports Illustrateds."
57
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,070
I didn't get the last four issues.
58
00:02:29,138 --> 00:02:32,507
Two issues. I'll keep an eye out.
59
00:02:32,574 --> 00:02:35,043
Dad, I'm 16 years old,
60
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:36,978
why don't you just let me stay
home alone while you're gone?
61
00:02:37,046 --> 00:02:38,446
Good idea.
62
00:02:38,514 --> 00:02:40,181
Michael, you don't have to check in.
63
00:02:40,249 --> 00:02:41,929
Remember, sweetheart,
if someone breaks in,
64
00:02:41,984 --> 00:02:43,952
just hide under a bed, in a closet.
65
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:46,460
It won't work, but it'll make you
feel like you did something.
66
00:02:47,556 --> 00:02:49,190
If you think that's going to work...
67
00:02:49,258 --> 00:02:51,126
you're right, let Michael die.
68
00:02:54,463 --> 00:02:56,331
Don't worry about the house, I got it.
69
00:02:56,399 --> 00:02:58,433
And do yourself a favor,
while you're in Tahoe,
70
00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:00,735
just forget about Kate. Have fun.
71
00:03:00,803 --> 00:03:03,738
I can't forget about Kate.
72
00:03:03,806 --> 00:03:05,540
Besides, for the first time
in a long time,
73
00:03:05,607 --> 00:03:07,007
we're enjoying each other's company.
74
00:03:07,043 --> 00:03:08,376
I actually think she's gonna miss me.
75
00:03:08,444 --> 00:03:10,645
Well, it happens, Charlie.
76
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:13,681
When I don't see you for a couple
of days, things are a little off.
77
00:03:13,749 --> 00:03:15,450
The sun isn't quite as bright.
78
00:03:15,517 --> 00:03:17,085
The flowers don't smell as sweet.
79
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:18,653
I still want my
"Sports Illustrateds" back.
80
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,022
Fine. Cheap son of a bitch.
81
00:03:25,394 --> 00:03:27,895
Lacey, you do know
it's 45 degrees in Tahoe?
82
00:03:27,964 --> 00:03:30,966
I know, but this will get me into the
VIP security line at the airport.
83
00:03:31,033 --> 00:03:33,768
I am not looking forward to this.
84
00:03:33,836 --> 00:03:36,338
I hate flying. It is so exhausting.
85
00:03:36,405 --> 00:03:38,340
The only thing I can't stand is those
86
00:03:38,407 --> 00:03:41,776
tambourine-banging,
bald-headed Hare Krishnas
87
00:03:41,844 --> 00:03:45,213
all over the airport throwing
their religion in my face.
88
00:03:45,281 --> 00:03:47,449
Relax, Ed, you don't have to worry
about the Hare Krishnas anymore.
89
00:03:47,516 --> 00:03:49,717
They've been replaced by terrorists.
90
00:03:49,785 --> 00:03:52,287
And by terrorists he means the
people working at security.
91
00:03:53,822 --> 00:03:56,824
But once you get on the
airplane, I love it.
92
00:03:56,892 --> 00:03:58,759
I mean, visiting the cockpit,
93
00:03:58,827 --> 00:04:00,628
talking to the captain,
94
00:04:00,696 --> 00:04:03,298
relaxing in a spacious seat,
95
00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:06,501
enjoying a smoke and free
whiskey brought to me
96
00:04:06,568 --> 00:04:08,903
by a hot, young stewardess.
97
00:04:08,971 --> 00:04:11,539
Ed, when was the last time you flew?
98
00:04:11,607 --> 00:04:13,941
Uh, 1975.
99
00:04:16,112 --> 00:04:18,672
Well, the good news is those same
stewardesses are still working.
100
00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:25,820
Ed: That flight from L.A. was terrible.
101
00:04:25,888 --> 00:04:27,755
Tiny seats, no meals,
102
00:04:27,823 --> 00:04:30,258
and the drinks were being
served by the pilots.
103
00:04:30,326 --> 00:04:32,260
Those weren't the pilots, Ed,
104
00:04:32,328 --> 00:04:33,694
they were male flight attendants.
105
00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:35,330
What?!
106
00:04:35,398 --> 00:04:38,233
Well, I can understand
a woman wanting a man's job,
107
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,368
but what were those fellas thinking?
108
00:04:40,436 --> 00:04:44,572
It was like being in
a big flying tube of sissy.
109
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,376
At least you didn't have a screaming
baby sitting behind you the whole time.
110
00:04:48,444 --> 00:04:49,844
I said I was sorry.
111
00:04:49,912 --> 00:04:51,413
Woman on P.A.: Attention, please,
112
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,449
due to mechanical issues,
flight 451 to Lake Tahoe
113
00:04:54,517 --> 00:04:55,950
has been delayed indefinitely.
114
00:04:56,018 --> 00:04:57,585
We will update you shortly.
115
00:04:57,653 --> 00:04:59,387
Indefinitely?
116
00:04:59,455 --> 00:05:00,988
That bitch is in every airport
117
00:05:01,057 --> 00:05:03,391
and she never has anything good to say.
118
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,294
Come on, guys,
119
00:05:06,362 --> 00:05:08,643
you've done great up until now.
This is a big test for us.
120
00:05:08,664 --> 00:05:10,998
If you can control your anger
for another five hours,
121
00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:12,148
you'll make the 30-day mark.
122
00:05:12,168 --> 00:05:13,935
Hello, friend.
123
00:05:14,002 --> 00:05:15,636
We are snowboarders for the Lord.
124
00:05:15,704 --> 00:05:17,872
We have to save 13 souls on this trip
125
00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:20,408
and you are going to be number one.
126
00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:24,045
Oh, crap, it's the Hare Christians.
127
00:05:29,048 --> 00:05:30,716
So, friend, let me ask you a question.
128
00:05:30,783 --> 00:05:33,767
If you died right now, do you
think you'd go to heaven?
129
00:05:33,827 --> 00:05:35,744
Do you?
130
00:05:35,792 --> 00:05:39,056
Because you can keep talking
and we'll find out for sure.
131
00:05:39,967 --> 00:05:41,668
Uh, Patrick, Nolan.
132
00:05:41,736 --> 00:05:44,404
Why don't you take Ed to the
as-far-away-as-you-can-get store?
133
00:05:44,472 --> 00:05:47,407
I don't know that store. Where is it?
134
00:05:47,475 --> 00:05:49,942
It's as far away as you can get.
135
00:05:50,010 --> 00:05:51,845
That seems inconvenient.
136
00:05:54,181 --> 00:05:56,315
Looks like this is your lucky day.
137
00:05:56,384 --> 00:05:58,217
Now we're free to save your soul.
138
00:05:58,285 --> 00:06:00,520
Yeah, too late, my ex-wife
got that in the divorce.
139
00:06:03,123 --> 00:06:04,491
Shoot, no power.
140
00:06:06,927 --> 00:06:08,728
Excuse me, sir.
141
00:06:08,796 --> 00:06:10,997
Could you unplug one of your devices
so I could charge my phone?
142
00:06:11,064 --> 00:06:14,200
How about, let's say,
the hair straightener.
143
00:06:14,268 --> 00:06:15,835
I mean, mission accomplished, right?
144
00:06:17,471 --> 00:06:19,551
How about this one?
( Speaking foreign language )
145
00:06:27,281 --> 00:06:30,316
Yeah, I'd use my translator
app, but I'm out of power.
146
00:06:32,787 --> 00:06:34,388
Lacey, would you come over here, please?
147
00:06:34,422 --> 00:06:36,790
Don't start with me.
148
00:06:36,857 --> 00:06:39,592
Anything you eat at the
airport doesn't count.
149
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:43,530
I'm having a hard time talking
to these people, would you mind?
150
00:06:43,597 --> 00:06:46,332
Just because I'm Indian, you think
I can speak their language?
151
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,534
That's so racist.
152
00:06:54,442 --> 00:06:57,877
Would you kindly ask them
to just remove one plug...
153
00:06:57,945 --> 00:07:00,547
just one... so I can charge my phone.
154
00:07:00,614 --> 00:07:03,316
I didn't just give him the Indian
version of the finger, did I?
155
00:07:03,383 --> 00:07:04,823
Oh, my God, just let me handle this.
156
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,299
Lacey, your anger, don't blow it.
157
00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:21,634
I'm not angry, I'm being nice.
158
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:23,503
You're not nice.
159
00:07:23,571 --> 00:07:26,940
You're a very bad girl who
consorts with white pretty boys.
160
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:29,342
Oh, yeah? Well, I don't
care what you think.
161
00:07:29,409 --> 00:07:32,846
This is America and you're not allowed to
just go around saying whatever you want.
162
00:07:32,913 --> 00:07:35,548
Read the "Constitution
of Independence," bitch.
163
00:07:38,619 --> 00:07:41,955
- Lacey, I think you meant... - I know
I said it wrong, but he doesn't, so zip it.
164
00:07:42,022 --> 00:07:44,491
Remember, we're only hours away
165
00:07:44,558 --> 00:07:46,119
from the 30-day mark. Keep it together.
166
00:07:47,427 --> 00:07:49,362
And, sir, I am in my 40s,
167
00:07:49,429 --> 00:07:51,564
so I will thank you
to call me a pretty man.
168
00:07:55,703 --> 00:07:58,070
Hello. Yes, I'd like to order
169
00:07:58,138 --> 00:08:01,140
the Gonzalez fight on
pay-per-view tonight.
170
00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:03,977
$65? That's outrageous!
171
00:08:04,044 --> 00:08:05,678
Put it on my tab.
172
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,113
Charlie Goodson.
173
00:08:07,180 --> 00:08:08,648
Thank you.
174
00:08:10,584 --> 00:08:12,785
Martin, what are you doing here?
175
00:08:12,853 --> 00:08:15,121
I just came over to watch the fight
176
00:08:15,188 --> 00:08:17,857
and spend a little
father-son time with my boy.
177
00:08:17,925 --> 00:08:19,859
Well, your boy's outta town.
178
00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:22,061
He is?
179
00:08:22,129 --> 00:08:24,631
Why didn't he tell me?
180
00:08:24,698 --> 00:08:27,099
I was really looking forward to
watching the fight with him tonight.
181
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:29,168
Do me a favor, don't tell
him I watched it alone.
182
00:08:29,236 --> 00:08:32,939
He'd feel terrible
if he knew he disappointed me.
183
00:08:33,007 --> 00:08:35,008
And, by the way, I might ask,
what are you doing here?
184
00:08:35,075 --> 00:08:37,710
Me? I, uh...
185
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,478
I came to clean his house for him.
186
00:08:39,547 --> 00:08:41,681
I thought it'd be a nice
surprise when he got home.
187
00:08:43,951 --> 00:08:47,253
I'm not someone who sneaks around
trying to take advantage of things.
188
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,322
Now if you wouldn't mind, I'd
appreciate it if you'd leave...
189
00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:52,391
through the kitchen.
190
00:08:52,459 --> 00:08:54,060
Kitchen? Why?
191
00:08:54,127 --> 00:08:55,294
( Knocks on door )
What's with the questions?
192
00:08:55,362 --> 00:08:56,723
Please, leave through the kitchen.
193
00:08:58,966 --> 00:09:00,767
Okay, ma'am, this location will work.
194
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:02,268
We're gonna bring the cameras in,
195
00:09:02,335 --> 00:09:04,604
but we need a 220 outlet
and a place to feed the crew.
196
00:09:04,672 --> 00:09:06,472
What the hell's going on here?
197
00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:10,109
I, um... I brought in a crew to
film me cleaning the house.
198
00:09:10,177 --> 00:09:12,579
I plan to do a really, really good job.
199
00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:17,984
Charlie was right, walking
away really does help.
200
00:09:18,052 --> 00:09:20,319
Especially when you can
walk away right into a bar.
201
00:09:20,387 --> 00:09:21,754
I'll drink to that.
202
00:09:23,591 --> 00:09:26,693
Oh, cheese and crap on toast.
203
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,028
You and Patrick can split that.
204
00:09:30,397 --> 00:09:32,799
I'll just have the fried clams.
205
00:09:32,866 --> 00:09:35,234
Here you are, friends.
206
00:09:35,302 --> 00:09:37,570
You know, alcohol leads to sin.
207
00:09:37,638 --> 00:09:40,873
Remember, your body was a
temple that was made by God.
208
00:09:40,941 --> 00:09:43,175
Actually, Ed's body is a beanbag chair
209
00:09:43,243 --> 00:09:46,479
made of beer and pasta.
But it's his choice,
210
00:09:46,546 --> 00:09:48,881
so if you could please respect
that, yeah, that'd be great.
211
00:09:48,949 --> 00:09:50,650
Oh, awesome truth, bro.
212
00:09:50,718 --> 00:09:53,185
But there's none so blind
as those who will not see.
213
00:09:53,253 --> 00:09:55,822
All right, that's it. It's go time.
214
00:09:55,889 --> 00:09:58,190
Trust me, you're wasting
your time with this man.
215
00:09:58,258 --> 00:10:00,159
He's a secular nudist.
216
00:10:00,227 --> 00:10:03,663
So what about you?
Have you accepted the Lord?
217
00:10:03,731 --> 00:10:05,865
Oh, you guys don't want me.
218
00:10:05,933 --> 00:10:08,901
Unrepentantly gay and
loving every minute of it.
219
00:10:08,969 --> 00:10:10,737
Next.
220
00:10:10,804 --> 00:10:12,905
Oh, well, God still loves you, too.
221
00:10:12,973 --> 00:10:14,653
See, our brother Jason
here used to be gay.
222
00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:18,210
Used to be gay?
223
00:10:18,278 --> 00:10:19,846
Like what, like 10 seconds ago?
224
00:10:36,296 --> 00:10:38,736
Don't worry about it, Lacey, I
can charge this somewhere else.
225
00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:05,491
Wow. What did you say to them?
226
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,527
I complimented him on his pants,
227
00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:11,798
which is the highest honor you
can give to a man in my culture,
228
00:11:11,865 --> 00:11:13,766
and he was more than happy to leave.
229
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,768
- Nice pants?
- Mm-hmm.
230
00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:19,072
5,000 years of culture...
that's the best you've got?
231
00:11:19,139 --> 00:11:21,574
( Cell phone chimes )
( Lacey gasps )
232
00:11:21,641 --> 00:11:23,409
"I've changed my mind."
233
00:11:23,476 --> 00:11:26,112
"I'm ready to commit. I miss sex."
234
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,081
Give me that.
235
00:11:28,148 --> 00:11:30,817
Ooh, Charlie's got a girlfriend.
236
00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:32,752
Who's robot girl?
237
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,955
Diabolical female machine
powered by my unhappiness.
238
00:11:37,591 --> 00:11:39,926
Who finally, after all this time,
239
00:11:39,993 --> 00:11:43,562
is ready to be with me and I'm stuck
in the San Francisco Airport.
240
00:11:43,630 --> 00:11:46,265
Wow. Charlie, you should
go back right now.
241
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,333
I know, I know, but I don't
wanna abandon the group.
242
00:11:48,335 --> 00:11:50,203
I wanna be there when you
guys reach this milestone.
243
00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:52,338
No worries. I'll tell everyone
you had an emergency.
244
00:11:52,405 --> 00:11:53,806
I don't know, Lacey.
245
00:11:53,874 --> 00:11:56,342
For once, Charlie, just go
do something for yourself.
246
00:11:56,409 --> 00:11:58,277
It's such an easy decision.
247
00:11:58,345 --> 00:12:00,046
I know, I know, but keep convincing me
248
00:12:00,114 --> 00:12:03,415
- so I feel like I struggled with it.
- Seriously, go.
249
00:12:03,483 --> 00:12:05,317
All right, I'm gonna do this.
250
00:12:05,385 --> 00:12:06,886
I'm just gonna shoot her a text
and let her know I'm on my way.
251
00:12:06,954 --> 00:12:08,755
Are you crazy? Don't do that.
Just show up.
252
00:12:08,822 --> 00:12:10,923
Women love a BRJ.
253
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:12,225
Excuse me?
254
00:12:12,292 --> 00:12:14,293
A big romantic gesture.
255
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,196
Wouldn't that be BRG?
256
00:12:17,264 --> 00:12:18,998
Maybe the way you do it.
257
00:12:21,468 --> 00:12:23,569
Excuse me, I need a
flight to Los Angeles.
258
00:12:23,637 --> 00:12:25,437
Let me check.
259
00:12:25,505 --> 00:12:28,641
There's one flight left, but it
leaves in 10 minutes. You want it?
260
00:12:28,708 --> 00:12:30,309
Absolutely. Here's my card.
261
00:12:32,146 --> 00:12:34,546
Oh, my God. Charlie Goodson.
262
00:12:34,614 --> 00:12:35,748
Yeah.
263
00:12:35,816 --> 00:12:37,650
Don't you recognize me?
264
00:12:37,717 --> 00:12:40,953
Sure, you're the TSA guy.
265
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:43,589
No. 1995.
266
00:12:43,657 --> 00:12:46,192
Dodger Stadium. The playoffs.
267
00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:48,560
You broke a bat over your knee
and ended your career
268
00:12:48,628 --> 00:12:50,763
because you were so mad
that a fan reached out
269
00:12:50,831 --> 00:12:52,331
and grabbed a foul ball.
270
00:12:52,399 --> 00:12:54,901
That was me.
271
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:57,670
Wow. That was you.
272
00:12:57,737 --> 00:13:00,106
Well, you know what? I've
actually moved on with my life
273
00:13:00,174 --> 00:13:01,874
and things are working out pretty well.
274
00:13:01,942 --> 00:13:05,244
So no hard feelings, I forgive you.
275
00:13:05,312 --> 00:13:06,832
- Here's your ticket, sir.
- Thank you.
276
00:13:06,847 --> 00:13:09,515
- You better hurry, they're boarding now.
- Thanks.
277
00:13:09,582 --> 00:13:11,951
See, here's the thing...
278
00:13:12,019 --> 00:13:14,153
I don't forgive you.
279
00:13:14,221 --> 00:13:15,788
You ruined my life.
280
00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,326
You're not going anywhere.
281
00:13:25,694 --> 00:13:28,628
Okay, the computer.
I'd like you to turn it on,
282
00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:31,321
turn it off, then turn it on again.
283
00:13:31,389 --> 00:13:33,123
And while you're doing that,
I'm gonna swab your face
284
00:13:33,190 --> 00:13:35,525
for bomb-making residue.
285
00:13:35,592 --> 00:13:37,193
Why are you doing this to me?
286
00:13:37,261 --> 00:13:38,661
I'm the one who lost my baseball career.
287
00:13:38,729 --> 00:13:41,498
Yeah, but you made me
a pariah in my own town.
288
00:13:41,565 --> 00:13:44,000
After you went on the news
and told everyone
289
00:13:44,068 --> 00:13:46,836
that I ruined the Dodgers season,
my whole life fell apart.
290
00:13:46,904 --> 00:13:49,205
I had to move to a different city.
291
00:13:49,273 --> 00:13:52,509
Now I look at fat people's
silhouettes in a scanner
292
00:13:52,576 --> 00:13:54,210
while my lungs collect radiation.
293
00:13:54,278 --> 00:13:56,479
That's rough.
294
00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:59,482
You ever give a 300-pound
man a cavity search?
295
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:01,817
If I say yes, will you feel
closer to me and let me go?
296
00:14:01,885 --> 00:14:03,186
No.
297
00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:04,375
Then, no, that's disgusting.
298
00:14:04,422 --> 00:14:05,588
I'm just trying to catch a flight!
299
00:14:05,656 --> 00:14:08,124
Well, I was just trying
to catch a foul ball.
300
00:14:08,192 --> 00:14:11,428
I'm sorry, is there a problem?
301
00:14:11,495 --> 00:14:13,129
Yes, yes.
302
00:14:13,197 --> 00:14:15,398
This man has a personal
vendetta against me
303
00:14:15,466 --> 00:14:17,267
and wants me to miss my flight.
304
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:19,436
I'm not a terrorist, this isn't a jihad,
305
00:14:19,503 --> 00:14:21,737
there's no gunpowder in my computer,
306
00:14:21,805 --> 00:14:24,685
there's no explosives in my socks, and
there's no heroin in my underwear.
307
00:14:24,708 --> 00:14:28,511
I'm sorry, sir, you just said
four of our five top watchwords
308
00:14:28,579 --> 00:14:32,048
and now we also have to check
your underwear for heroin.
309
00:14:35,386 --> 00:14:37,220
This is totally un-American.
310
00:14:37,288 --> 00:14:38,455
And there was number five.
311
00:14:40,491 --> 00:14:42,358
I suppose now you're gonna
go get the rubber gloves.
312
00:14:42,426 --> 00:14:43,926
Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.
313
00:14:43,994 --> 00:14:45,895
I sometimes forget those things.
314
00:14:53,604 --> 00:14:56,806
I can't believe you rented out
my son's house to a movie crew.
315
00:14:56,873 --> 00:14:58,674
They do it all the time out here,
316
00:14:58,742 --> 00:15:00,310
but my place wasn't big enough.
317
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:03,012
Nonetheless, you've gone way
over the line with this, Jen.
318
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,382
Bringing perfect strangers into a
man's house just to make a few bucks,
319
00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:08,151
I'm gonna have to tell
Charlie about this.
320
00:15:08,219 --> 00:15:10,953
It's $8,000. I'll cut you in for half.
321
00:15:11,021 --> 00:15:13,022
Or we can take it to our graves.
Either way.
322
00:15:15,226 --> 00:15:17,693
What the hell is going on in here?
323
00:15:17,761 --> 00:15:20,263
I don't know what you're referring to.
324
00:15:22,199 --> 00:15:23,966
Charlie left me in charge of the place
325
00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:25,875
and he never said anything
about a movie shoot.
326
00:15:29,072 --> 00:15:32,275
Oh, my God, that's Angel Lynn Foxx.
327
00:15:32,343 --> 00:15:34,244
Angel Lynn Foxx?
328
00:15:34,311 --> 00:15:36,479
Yeah, the porn star.
329
00:15:36,547 --> 00:15:39,982
And I know that because I read
an article about her in...
330
00:15:40,050 --> 00:15:43,253
I'm gonna say "The New Yorker."
331
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,355
You didn't tell me it was a porno movie!
332
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:47,157
I had no idea, Martin!
333
00:15:47,224 --> 00:15:48,558
Oh, really?
334
00:15:48,626 --> 00:15:51,294
The name of the director
on the contract wasn't a clue?
335
00:15:51,362 --> 00:15:54,330
"Penis De Laurentiis."
336
00:15:54,398 --> 00:15:56,332
Yeah, I should've caught that.
337
00:15:58,335 --> 00:15:59,502
This is appalling!
338
00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:00,870
I'm with Martin.
339
00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:03,939
I find this demeaning and shameful
340
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:06,609
and a little bit sad.
341
00:16:06,677 --> 00:16:09,245
Okay, everybody, pack up your stuff.
342
00:16:09,313 --> 00:16:10,346
We're going to my house.
343
00:16:14,017 --> 00:16:16,186
Nolan: I'm really proud of you for
holding it together, Patrick.
344
00:16:16,253 --> 00:16:18,688
- You saved the 30 days.
- Barely.
345
00:16:18,755 --> 00:16:21,658
I mean, where does he get off
calling my lifestyle unnatural?
346
00:16:21,725 --> 00:16:24,427
He's the one wearing
microfleece polyester.
347
00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:29,566
Hey, Lacey. Lacey! Where's Charlie?
348
00:16:29,633 --> 00:16:32,302
Oh, he has a family emergency
349
00:16:32,369 --> 00:16:33,603
and had to go back to L.A.
350
00:16:33,671 --> 00:16:35,071
What happened?
351
00:16:35,138 --> 00:16:37,773
His, um, daughter
352
00:16:37,841 --> 00:16:39,975
went on a field trip to the aquarium
353
00:16:40,043 --> 00:16:43,012
and she fell into the whale cage.
354
00:16:45,382 --> 00:16:47,783
I promise, you're not
gonna find anything.
355
00:16:47,851 --> 00:16:49,586
Why don't you just tell
your supervisor the truth?
356
00:16:49,653 --> 00:16:51,454
Sorry, but the bomb-sniffing dog
357
00:16:51,522 --> 00:16:54,691
did react pretty strongly
to your crotch.
358
00:16:54,758 --> 00:16:57,159
All dogs react strongly to crotches.
359
00:16:57,228 --> 00:17:00,730
That's how they say hello.
360
00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:03,266
Look, Todd, this isn't gonna
help you turn your life around.
361
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,602
You're not gonna be able to move forward
unless you let go of your anger.
362
00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,037
( Sighs )
Fair enough.
363
00:17:08,105 --> 00:17:09,572
But once the gloves are ordered,
364
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,641
there's really nothing I can do.
365
00:17:11,709 --> 00:17:14,176
Look, Todd, can we talk man to man...
366
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,348
to man?
367
00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:20,516
Sure.
368
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:21,851
Okay, okay.
369
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:24,254
There's this girl waiting for me in LA.
370
00:17:24,321 --> 00:17:26,789
And for years, all she wanted
to do was have sex with me,
371
00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:29,024
but then I got this text saying
that she's ready for a commitment.
372
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,360
Hold on.
373
00:17:30,427 --> 00:17:33,129
You expect us to believe
that a woman only wants sex,
374
00:17:33,196 --> 00:17:35,197
but a man wants a commitment?
375
00:17:35,266 --> 00:17:38,534
Okay, now this story
is really falling apart.
376
00:17:38,602 --> 00:17:40,403
You believe me, right, Todd?
377
00:17:40,471 --> 00:17:42,472
There's gotta be some special
gal in your life, right?
378
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:45,074
Yeah, Luanne.
379
00:17:45,142 --> 00:17:47,843
But she left me after what
you did to me in 1995.
380
00:17:47,911 --> 00:17:49,512
( Sighs )
381
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:51,947
Please, you've gotta let me
get on that flight to LA.
382
00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:54,384
I'm sorry, but your flight
actually just left.
383
00:17:54,451 --> 00:17:56,686
- It left?
- Yes.
384
00:17:56,754 --> 00:17:58,421
Now once we go behind
the privacy screen,
385
00:17:58,489 --> 00:18:00,456
we're gonna need you
to pull down your pants.
386
00:18:02,192 --> 00:18:04,026
But I'm not even flying anymore.
387
00:18:04,094 --> 00:18:05,895
Now it's just a bad date.
388
00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:08,298
You know what? I am outta here.
389
00:18:15,939 --> 00:18:17,273
What happened to you?
390
00:18:17,341 --> 00:18:20,810
Nothing, thank God.
391
00:18:20,877 --> 00:18:22,845
I'm sure Lacey told you, but
I have to get back to LA.
392
00:18:22,913 --> 00:18:24,980
I just missed my flight,
so I'll have to rent a car.
393
00:18:25,048 --> 00:18:27,417
But you are only hours away
from the 30-day mark
394
00:18:27,484 --> 00:18:29,151
and I know you can do this.
395
00:18:29,219 --> 00:18:31,954
And Sam will be fine, Charlie.
396
00:18:32,022 --> 00:18:34,290
Whales are huge, but they
mostly eat plankton.
397
00:18:36,226 --> 00:18:38,728
I thought you weren't gonna get
high until we got to Tahoe?
398
00:18:41,732 --> 00:18:43,766
So it's okay if I keep his
crate in the bathroom?
399
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,401
Wherever his crate is, that's his home.
400
00:18:45,469 --> 00:18:47,537
The idea is to make him
fit into your lifestyle.
401
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:50,906
I feel really good
about changing my mind.
402
00:18:50,974 --> 00:18:53,142
I really think I'm ready
for this kind of commitment.
403
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,677
I was just texting a friend
404
00:18:54,745 --> 00:18:57,112
about how much I missed this little guy.
405
00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,615
Did I miss Rex?
406
00:18:59,683 --> 00:19:02,485
Yes, I missed Rex.
407
00:19:02,553 --> 00:19:05,254
I missed Rex a lot.
408
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,721
You know, I'm a little
surprised to see you.
409
00:19:10,769 --> 00:19:12,871
Whatever happened to the ski trip?
410
00:19:12,938 --> 00:19:15,106
It doesn't matter.
This is more important to me.
411
00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:17,608
Really? It could have waited.
412
00:19:17,676 --> 00:19:18,877
Well, I couldn't.
413
00:19:18,944 --> 00:19:20,644
Aw, that's really sweet.
414
00:19:20,712 --> 00:19:22,613
All right, ready to see
my little fluff ball?
415
00:19:24,383 --> 00:19:27,085
I just drove five hours,
you're damn right I'm ready.
416
00:19:28,453 --> 00:19:31,256
And I love the new nickname fluff ball.
417
00:19:31,323 --> 00:19:33,591
Yeah, well, when you
get a cut and shampoo,
418
00:19:33,658 --> 00:19:36,460
the hair on that thing really expands.
419
00:19:36,528 --> 00:19:38,129
Really?
420
00:19:38,197 --> 00:19:40,098
And you're gonna love how it smells.
421
00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:41,900
And wait until you see that little bow.
422
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:44,835
Little bow. That's different.
423
00:19:44,904 --> 00:19:47,638
Yeah, I thought it'd be too girly,
424
00:19:47,706 --> 00:19:50,108
but, you know,
everyone seems to like it.
425
00:19:50,175 --> 00:19:52,676
Everyone? Who else has seen it?
426
00:19:52,744 --> 00:19:54,845
Everyone in the building.
427
00:19:54,914 --> 00:19:57,081
I wanted everyone to see
428
00:19:57,149 --> 00:19:59,417
so they'll stop complaining
about the noise.
429
00:19:59,484 --> 00:20:01,219
What noise?
430
00:20:03,022 --> 00:20:04,588
Here's Rex.
431
00:20:08,860 --> 00:20:11,429
Charlie, what the hell are you doing?
432
00:20:11,496 --> 00:20:14,532
I saw this on the "Dog Whisperer."
433
00:20:14,599 --> 00:20:16,167
Trust me, it works.
434
00:20:17,536 --> 00:20:20,071
See? See how calm he is.
435
00:20:20,139 --> 00:20:22,273
Charlie, did you think
we were gonna have sex?
436
00:20:22,341 --> 00:20:24,242
Well, when you texted me,
437
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,277
"I miss sex," I assumed.
438
00:20:26,345 --> 00:20:28,947
Sex? Like I'd suddenly do
a 180 and want to commit?
439
00:20:29,014 --> 00:20:31,082
I wrote, "I miss Rex."
440
00:20:34,219 --> 00:20:36,220
The phone autocorrected me.
441
00:20:36,288 --> 00:20:39,324
Oh, God, I sent the same
text to my entire family.
442
00:20:39,366 --> 00:20:41,366
No wonder Uncle Louie sent me that picture.
443
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:43,415
I always thought he was a perv.
444
00:20:44,065 --> 00:20:46,226
Well, maybe you should read
them before you hit "Send".
445
00:20:46,236 --> 00:20:48,370
Your phone is a sex fiend.
446
00:20:48,395 --> 00:20:50,395
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
447
00:20:50,726 --> 00:20:52,125
Okay.
448
00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:54,936
Do you like my puppy?
449
00:20:54,961 --> 00:20:56,319
Hmm.
450
00:20:57,641 --> 00:21:00,436
Okay, it turned "like to lick..."
451
00:21:00,515 --> 00:21:02,515
I'd really see what it did with "puppy".
452
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:13,040
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com