1
00:00:04,445 --> 00:00:06,600
- Hey.
- Hey there.

2
00:00:09,871 --> 00:00:11,975
Those magazines are pretty old, huh?

3
00:00:12,043 --> 00:00:15,392
Well, not according to "Sexiest
Man Alive" Nick Nolte.

4
00:00:16,861 --> 00:00:18,731
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

5
00:00:24,510 --> 00:00:26,044
Hey, Doc.

6
00:00:26,112 --> 00:00:28,115
Who was the skirt?

7
00:00:28,185 --> 00:00:31,054
Why are you talking like it's 1952?

8
00:00:31,122 --> 00:00:32,723
Well, according to your
"Life" magazine out there,

9
00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:35,260
that's current lingo.

10
00:00:35,328 --> 00:00:38,430
Her name is Erica. She owns the
little gift shop downstairs.

11
00:00:38,498 --> 00:00:40,933
She's the reason why
I asked you to stop by.

12
00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:42,502
<i>I want to bounce an idea off you.</i>

13
00:00:42,569 --> 00:00:45,505
Erica's situation is kinda interesting.

14
00:00:45,573 --> 00:00:46,940
She's a virgin.

15
00:00:47,008 --> 00:00:49,541
First time in therapy, huh?

16
00:00:49,609 --> 00:00:52,178
- No.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

17
00:00:52,246 --> 00:00:54,048
- You don't mean that...
- Yes.

18
00:00:54,115 --> 00:00:57,086
- No!
- Yes!

19
00:00:57,153 --> 00:01:00,523
- How old?
- 32.

20
00:01:00,591 --> 00:01:03,461
- Childhood trauma?
- No.

21
00:01:03,528 --> 00:01:05,697
- Religious guilt?
- No.

22
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:08,034
She's been, like, really busy?

23
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,171
It's the classic scenario.

24
00:01:10,239 --> 00:01:12,574
She was waiting to fall in love,

25
00:01:12,641 --> 00:01:15,243
never did, and past a certain point

26
00:01:15,311 --> 00:01:18,113
it became embarrassing, so she
just never dealt with it.

27
00:01:18,181 --> 00:01:21,317
Good God. A virgin at 22.

28
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:24,487
- She's 32.
- Good God!

29
00:01:24,555 --> 00:01:26,856
So I've been seeing
Erica for over a year

30
00:01:26,924 --> 00:01:28,793
and she's anxious to sleep with someone.

31
00:01:28,861 --> 00:01:31,096
Really?

32
00:01:31,164 --> 00:01:33,632
The idea is causing her so much stress

33
00:01:33,700 --> 00:01:36,735
that I talked about
arranging a surrogate.

34
00:01:36,803 --> 00:01:39,773
Interesting.

35
00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,676
But I'm afraid that paying someone

36
00:01:42,743 --> 00:01:44,311
for her first sexual experience

37
00:01:44,379 --> 00:01:46,080
might feel kind of clinical.

38
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,581
I agree.

39
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:50,117
Especially if he makes her
wear that little paper gown.

40
00:01:50,185 --> 00:01:53,320
So then I thought...
and I know it's unorthodox...

41
00:01:53,387 --> 00:01:55,889
maybe I should hook her
up with a friend.

42
00:01:55,956 --> 00:01:59,425
I agree with that, too.

43
00:01:59,493 --> 00:02:03,062
Someone who's sexually experienced,

44
00:02:03,130 --> 00:02:06,665
generous in bed, someone
I can trust, sensitive.

45
00:02:06,733 --> 00:02:10,034
Well, if you got a friend like
that, then you should use him.

46
00:02:10,102 --> 00:02:13,038
The problem is, ethically,

47
00:02:13,105 --> 00:02:16,541
I can't just come out and
ask him to do this for me.

48
00:02:16,609 --> 00:02:19,445
So you shouldn't.

49
00:02:19,513 --> 00:02:21,614
- Thanks for hearing me out.
- Always there for you.

50
00:02:21,682 --> 00:02:23,983
( Phone chimes )

51
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,622
It's Erica. I should
go over this with her.

52
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,058
Yeah. Gotcha.

53
00:02:31,126 --> 00:02:33,227
Hi, Erica.

54
00:02:33,294 --> 00:02:34,928
Thanks for calling.

55
00:02:34,996 --> 00:02:36,431
I just conferred with a colleague,

56
00:02:36,498 --> 00:02:38,299
and hearing it out loud made me realize

57
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,570
we should definitely go with a
professional sex surrogate.

58
00:02:41,637 --> 00:02:43,404
( Chuckles )

59
00:02:43,472 --> 00:02:45,139
I don't know.

60
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:47,608
It's not something
they list on the resume.

61
00:02:47,676 --> 00:02:49,744
Though, clearly,
he's making a living with it.

62
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:53,561
Anger Management 2x30
- Charlie and the Virgin -
Original air date August 1, 2013

63
00:02:53,586 --> 00:02:55,383
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com

64
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:56,984
Have a great day.

65
00:03:01,257 --> 00:03:04,025
- Erica?
- Hey, I know you.

66
00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:07,028
Hi, I'm Charlie. Dr. Wales sent me.

67
00:03:07,096 --> 00:03:09,932
She told me a bit about
you and your situation

68
00:03:09,999 --> 00:03:12,801
and I thought it'd be a good
time to stop by and say hi.

69
00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:14,837
Wow, that was really fast.

70
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,265
I just got off the phone with her.

71
00:03:16,306 --> 00:03:17,907
Well, Kate doesn't mess around.

72
00:03:17,975 --> 00:03:20,810
But I do, that's why she sent me.

73
00:03:20,878 --> 00:03:22,946
Okay.

74
00:03:23,014 --> 00:03:25,315
So you're the guy?

75
00:03:25,383 --> 00:03:27,784
Yup, I'm the guy.

76
00:03:27,852 --> 00:03:29,853
This is really happening.

77
00:03:29,921 --> 00:03:31,589
It's so strange to me,

78
00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:33,691
but I guess you do this all the time.

79
00:03:33,759 --> 00:03:37,962
Oh, hey, I have dry spells
like everybody else.

80
00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:40,331
I'm just curious,
when did you first realize

81
00:03:40,399 --> 00:03:41,899
you had a talent for this?

82
00:03:41,967 --> 00:03:44,669
Becky Johnson, I guess.

83
00:03:44,736 --> 00:03:46,737
She told all her friends

84
00:03:46,805 --> 00:03:49,640
and I've been pretty busy ever since.

85
00:03:49,708 --> 00:03:51,142
Referrals, huh?

86
00:03:51,210 --> 00:03:53,244
Okay.

87
00:03:55,347 --> 00:03:57,949
Well, I don't know if my shop is
really the right place for this.

88
00:03:58,017 --> 00:03:59,551
There's not a lot of space
on the counter.

89
00:03:59,619 --> 00:04:01,453
Yeah, this wouldn't work.

90
00:04:01,521 --> 00:04:04,689
Mostly 'cause I'm only validated
for another 27 minutes.

91
00:04:04,757 --> 00:04:07,659
Anyway, I thought I'd just
come by and introduce myself

92
00:04:07,727 --> 00:04:09,561
and just make sure that you're
comfortable with all this.

93
00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:11,763
Honestly, I'm a little nervous.

94
00:04:11,831 --> 00:04:13,665
But that's why I want to do this,

95
00:04:13,733 --> 00:04:15,500
so I won't be nervous anymore.

96
00:04:15,568 --> 00:04:17,135
Good for you.

97
00:04:17,203 --> 00:04:19,370
So how about tonight?

98
00:04:19,438 --> 00:04:21,339
Tonight? Isn't that kind of quick?

99
00:04:21,407 --> 00:04:24,042
You're 32.

100
00:04:24,110 --> 00:04:27,079
You're right. Tonight's good.

101
00:04:27,146 --> 00:04:29,626
Great. Great. I'll just need your
address and we're good to go.

102
00:04:31,117 --> 00:04:34,152
So, was this your major in college?

103
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:36,088
Pretty much.

104
00:04:36,155 --> 00:04:38,223
This and Frisbee.

105
00:04:41,928 --> 00:04:43,462
- Hi.
- Hey, baby.

106
00:04:43,530 --> 00:04:46,198
How was Venice Beach?

107
00:04:46,266 --> 00:04:48,667
Did you get that wax for your surfboard?

108
00:04:48,735 --> 00:04:52,237
No, they turned the surf shop
into a pot dispensary.

109
00:04:52,305 --> 00:04:55,006
Turns out they've been
selling pot the whole time.

110
00:04:55,074 --> 00:04:58,276
So they just got rid of the surfboards.

111
00:04:58,344 --> 00:05:01,613
But Canvas did get a tattoo.
Want to show her?

112
00:05:01,681 --> 00:05:04,182
It says "free spirit" in Chinese.

113
00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:08,019
Oh, my God. That's so beautiful.

114
00:05:08,087 --> 00:05:10,221
I'm glad you like it, Mom,

115
00:05:10,289 --> 00:05:12,657
because I got one, too.

116
00:05:12,725 --> 00:05:15,160
Oh, my God, that's horrible.

117
00:05:15,228 --> 00:05:18,696
But you just said that
you thought it was beautiful.

118
00:05:18,764 --> 00:05:20,532
That's different.

119
00:05:20,599 --> 00:05:23,134
He's a grown-up. He's not my daughter.

120
00:05:23,202 --> 00:05:27,605
And I don't think he's ever
going to apply for a real job.

121
00:05:27,673 --> 00:05:29,273
How could you let her do this?

122
00:05:29,341 --> 00:05:31,809
Free spirit.

123
00:05:31,877 --> 00:05:34,145
You know what? I need a minute.

124
00:05:34,213 --> 00:05:36,948
I have to figure out how I'm gonna
handle this with your father.

125
00:05:37,015 --> 00:05:40,251
You're both grounded.
You, go to your room.

126
00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:42,420
You, go to your van.

127
00:05:44,156 --> 00:05:46,291
Wow, she was really bummed.

128
00:05:46,358 --> 00:05:49,060
Maybe we should tell her these are fake.

129
00:05:49,128 --> 00:05:52,698
No way. She's always bugging me
to loosen up and take chances.

130
00:05:52,765 --> 00:05:55,100
Now that she thinks I did this,
we've got to let her live with it.

131
00:05:55,168 --> 00:05:56,836
Please, just one more day.

132
00:05:56,903 --> 00:05:59,839
I get it. I pulled a prank
on my parents one time.

133
00:05:59,907 --> 00:06:01,641
I told them I was dropping out of school

134
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,643
and I was gonna live in my car.

135
00:06:05,613 --> 00:06:09,649
Oh, my God. My whole life's been a prank.

136
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,985
That's awesome.

137
00:06:13,888 --> 00:06:17,190
I understand you're looking
for an intimacy specialist

138
00:06:17,258 --> 00:06:19,292
for a 32-year-old virgin.

139
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,527
Yes, and you come highly recommended.

140
00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:24,363
You know, I was wavering
between going with you

141
00:06:24,431 --> 00:06:27,566
and a layperson, which ironically sounds

142
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:30,069
a lot like what you do.
( Laughs )

143
00:06:32,105 --> 00:06:34,406
Let's move on.

144
00:06:34,474 --> 00:06:36,274
Thank God you didn't choose a layperson.

145
00:06:36,342 --> 00:06:38,176
Because that could be disastrous.

146
00:06:38,244 --> 00:06:40,946
Someone who hasn't been trained properly

147
00:06:41,014 --> 00:06:43,248
might cause a sexually repressed woman

148
00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:45,217
to form unhealthy attachments

149
00:06:45,285 --> 00:06:47,786
by being, say, overly romantic.

150
00:06:51,758 --> 00:06:55,294
Wow. Erica, you look beautiful.

151
00:06:55,362 --> 00:06:58,664
Oh, my God. This is so romantic.

152
00:06:58,732 --> 00:07:02,368
Well, then I am doing everything right.

153
00:07:09,645 --> 00:07:12,181
I am not a racist. I just made a joke.

154
00:07:12,248 --> 00:07:13,682
( Laughs )

155
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:15,517
How did we even end up on guns?

156
00:07:15,585 --> 00:07:17,352
We were talking about the weather.

157
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:21,056
You give Ed any topic and he
can get to guns in six moves.

158
00:07:21,123 --> 00:07:24,326
It's cloudy outside. Clouds make rain.

159
00:07:24,394 --> 00:07:26,361
Dustin Hoffman played Rain Man.

160
00:07:26,429 --> 00:07:28,063
Dustin Hoffman's a Jew.

161
00:07:28,131 --> 00:07:29,898
All Jews are liberals.

162
00:07:29,966 --> 00:07:31,767
Liberals want to take away my guns.

163
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,335
Ha, I did it in five.

164
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,938
Now do cotton candy.

165
00:07:37,006 --> 00:07:39,074
Cotton candy? I love cotton candy.

166
00:07:39,142 --> 00:07:42,144
Anybody who tries
to take away my cotton candy

167
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,479
gets shot with my gun. One.

168
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,249
Hey, guys.

169
00:07:47,317 --> 00:07:49,585
Patrick, can I talk to you for a second?

170
00:07:49,653 --> 00:07:52,455
Look, I have a big problem.
Sam came home with a tattoo.

171
00:07:52,523 --> 00:07:54,992
I've got to get it removed
before Charlie's head explodes.

172
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:57,561
It's not a tattoo of Charlie's
head exploding, is it?

173
00:07:57,629 --> 00:07:59,897
'Cause that would be a real coincidence.

174
00:07:59,964 --> 00:08:03,233
Look, you told me once
you had a tattoo removed.

175
00:08:03,301 --> 00:08:05,136
I need a referral. Who did it?

176
00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:06,937
Oh, my God. Don't do it.
It is too painful

177
00:08:07,005 --> 00:08:08,205
and it never comes out right.

178
00:08:08,273 --> 00:08:10,274
Doesn't it just disappear?

179
00:08:10,341 --> 00:08:12,376
Kind of.

180
00:08:14,879 --> 00:08:17,147
Oh, look, it left a mark.

181
00:08:20,552 --> 00:08:23,454
- Hey.
- Hey.

182
00:08:23,521 --> 00:08:26,523
You know that feeling where you've
done something good for somebody

183
00:08:26,591 --> 00:08:28,058
and you just know it's going
to change their life?

184
00:08:28,126 --> 00:08:29,693
And you got a little something
good out of it, too?

185
00:08:29,761 --> 00:08:32,430
Yeah, I did something
really good for Erica.

186
00:08:32,497 --> 00:08:34,932
Yeah, you did.

187
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,935
Oh, did I tell you
I met with Dr. Higgins

188
00:08:38,003 --> 00:08:39,570
and he's gonna be her sex surrogate?

189
00:08:39,638 --> 00:08:42,974
Dr. Who-gins?

190
00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:46,211
- Higgins.
- What happened with just going with a friend?

191
00:08:46,278 --> 00:08:48,813
Yeah, I was thinking
of asking my friend Miguel.

192
00:08:48,881 --> 00:08:51,116
Who?

193
00:08:51,183 --> 00:08:53,418
( Sighs )
Thank God I didn't.

194
00:08:53,486 --> 00:08:55,820
I realized you have to go
with a professional

195
00:08:55,888 --> 00:08:57,923
or else it could be a real disaster.

196
00:08:57,990 --> 00:09:01,826
Disaster? I'm sure the guy
would have been very romantic.

197
00:09:01,894 --> 00:09:03,295
Yeah, that's exactly the problem.

198
00:09:03,362 --> 00:09:05,363
A professional sex surrogate
knows just what to do

199
00:09:05,431 --> 00:09:08,299
to keep the client from
getting emotionally attached.

200
00:09:08,367 --> 00:09:10,568
Obviously.

201
00:09:10,636 --> 00:09:14,639
An amateur might have
brought her flowers and wine

202
00:09:14,707 --> 00:09:17,142
and carried her into the bedroom.

203
00:09:18,978 --> 00:09:21,980
Ugh, can you imagine?

204
00:09:22,048 --> 00:09:23,649
Pretty clearly.

205
00:09:26,119 --> 00:09:29,088
So, I'm sorry, I changed the subject.

206
00:09:29,156 --> 00:09:31,391
You were talking about that feeling

207
00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:33,426
when you do something good for someone.

208
00:09:33,494 --> 00:09:35,062
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just gonna say

209
00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:38,299
how quickly that feeling just goes away.

210
00:09:42,371 --> 00:09:43,938
Charlie: <i>You don't understand, Michael.</i>

211
00:09:44,006 --> 00:09:45,973
I deflowered somebody else's virgin.

212
00:09:46,041 --> 00:09:48,343
I parked my car in a red zone.

213
00:09:48,411 --> 00:09:51,713
And she's 32? That's crazy.

214
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:54,515
I mean, 23 and four months

215
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:56,951
has got to be about average, right?

216
00:09:57,019 --> 00:09:59,120
23 is fine. The four months, though,

217
00:09:59,188 --> 00:10:00,955
I'd keep that part to yourself.

218
00:10:01,023 --> 00:10:03,324
I've always wanted
to make love to a virgin.

219
00:10:03,392 --> 00:10:06,127
Someone with nothing to compare me to.

220
00:10:06,195 --> 00:10:08,196
I don't know. First time
I ate brussels sprouts,

221
00:10:08,264 --> 00:10:10,365
I knew I hated them.

222
00:10:10,432 --> 00:10:11,966
Why do I even come over here?

223
00:10:12,034 --> 00:10:14,402
I never leave feeling
better than when I arrive.

224
00:10:14,469 --> 00:10:16,671
I just wanted her first time
to be really special.

225
00:10:16,739 --> 00:10:19,774
By bringing romance into it,
I created an emotional bond.

226
00:10:19,842 --> 00:10:21,576
And now it's going
to blow up in my face.

227
00:10:21,644 --> 00:10:23,445
So you think she's gonna be clingy

228
00:10:23,513 --> 00:10:25,614
and follow you around like a baby duck?

229
00:10:25,682 --> 00:10:27,816
Man, you have got some ego.

230
00:10:27,884 --> 00:10:30,486
( Knocks )

231
00:10:30,554 --> 00:10:32,922
Oh, my God. It's the duck.

232
00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:34,758
( Whispers ) One minute.

233
00:10:34,825 --> 00:10:36,492
What should I do?

234
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,962
I would ride that for as
much sex as I possibly could

235
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:40,931
<i>until it blew up in my face.</i>

236
00:10:40,999 --> 00:10:42,599
And then I'd crawl weeping

237
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:45,136
from the emotional wreckage.

238
00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:47,338
It's not my advice,
it's just what I'd do.

239
00:10:47,406 --> 00:10:49,307
Do me a favor.

240
00:10:49,375 --> 00:10:51,877
Take this into the group.
Tell them I'll be right there.

241
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:53,944
- Should I give them a reason?
- You won't need to.

242
00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:57,060
They'll spend the first five minutes
bitching to each other about the muffins.

243
00:10:59,619 --> 00:11:00,953
- Hi.
- Hi.

244
00:11:01,021 --> 00:11:02,261
I didn't know if you'd be home.

245
00:11:02,289 --> 00:11:04,390
I was just gonna leave
this here for you.

246
00:11:04,458 --> 00:11:08,528
Wow, a flower, a note,

247
00:11:08,596 --> 00:11:12,365
and you found out where I live.

248
00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:14,034
I hope I didn't cross the line.

249
00:11:14,101 --> 00:11:15,735
I just wanted to come and thank you

250
00:11:15,803 --> 00:11:18,004
for helping me lose my virginity

251
00:11:18,072 --> 00:11:20,106
and for being so sweet about it.

252
00:11:20,174 --> 00:11:23,342
Turns out they don't
make a card for that.

253
00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:26,779
Yet they make get-well cards for cats.

254
00:11:26,847 --> 00:11:29,148
"Heard you had a meowie."

255
00:11:32,086 --> 00:11:34,854
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you

256
00:11:34,922 --> 00:11:37,623
that I know what last night
was and I don't expect

257
00:11:37,691 --> 00:11:40,259
to see you again, but
that it was really great.

258
00:11:40,327 --> 00:11:44,097
So good work.

259
00:11:44,164 --> 00:11:46,132
That's all you're here for?

260
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,900
Yeah. That was it.

261
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,301
Well, take care.

262
00:11:49,369 --> 00:11:51,370
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

263
00:11:51,438 --> 00:11:53,072
There's something I got to tell you.

264
00:11:54,674 --> 00:11:57,810
I'm not a professional sex surrogate.

265
00:11:57,878 --> 00:11:59,812
What?

266
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,248
I'm a therapist.
I'm a colleague of Kate's.

267
00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:04,084
Last night was my first time, too.

268
00:12:04,151 --> 00:12:06,253
As a sex surrogate?

269
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,289
Oh, yeah, obviously not the other part.

270
00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:11,324
Wow.

271
00:12:11,392 --> 00:12:12,826
Okay.

272
00:12:12,893 --> 00:12:14,928
Let me just process this.

273
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:18,398
You know what? It's actually a relief.

274
00:12:18,465 --> 00:12:20,306
I mean, when I thought
you were a professional,

275
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:22,636
I was afraid you'd slept
with tons of women.

276
00:12:24,205 --> 00:12:25,839
Yeah.

277
00:12:30,744 --> 00:12:33,879
So if you're not a surrogate,

278
00:12:33,947 --> 00:12:36,081
does that mean

279
00:12:36,149 --> 00:12:37,710
we're allowed to keep seeing each other?

280
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:40,019
How the hell would I know?
I'm not a professional.

281
00:12:40,087 --> 00:12:43,455
I would love to. I'm just not sure
Kate would be too thrilled about it.

282
00:12:43,523 --> 00:12:45,357
Why does Kate have to know?

283
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,462
First the sex, then the secrets.

284
00:12:49,529 --> 00:12:50,630
What's next?

285
00:12:52,065 --> 00:12:53,966
Anything you want.

286
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,269
Wow. They should make a card for that.

287
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,129
So how much do you charge for a belt?

288
00:13:04,196 --> 00:13:06,497
I don't charge. I barter.

289
00:13:06,565 --> 00:13:09,634
Yesterday, I traded one for a dog.

290
00:13:09,702 --> 00:13:12,103
And then I traded the dog for a guitar.

291
00:13:12,171 --> 00:13:14,539
And then the guitar for a dog leash.

292
00:13:14,606 --> 00:13:16,107
What do you need the leash for?

293
00:13:16,175 --> 00:13:18,009
To walk the dog.

294
00:13:19,178 --> 00:13:20,878
Oh, bummer.

295
00:13:24,283 --> 00:13:25,784
Oh, hey, beauty.

296
00:13:25,851 --> 00:13:27,885
I just saved both your asses.

297
00:13:27,953 --> 00:13:30,955
Thank you so much.
What are you talking about?

298
00:13:33,525 --> 00:13:35,760
Oh, my God. You got a tattoo?

299
00:13:35,828 --> 00:13:38,997
Damn right I did. Mine says "sacrifice."

300
00:13:39,065 --> 00:13:41,165
Now I can tell your dad it was my idea

301
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:42,767
that we all got matching tattoos.

302
00:13:42,835 --> 00:13:44,469
He'll be mad at me, not you.

303
00:13:44,536 --> 00:13:46,638
And he won't strangle you
with one of your belts.

304
00:13:48,674 --> 00:13:51,209
Okay, what's going on?

305
00:13:51,276 --> 00:13:53,978
Uh, beauty, I...

306
00:13:54,045 --> 00:13:55,279
( Inhales )

307
00:13:55,346 --> 00:13:57,548
I have a truth to share.

308
00:13:57,615 --> 00:14:00,184
- Our tattoos are fake, Mom.
- What?!

309
00:14:00,251 --> 00:14:02,619
I was doing it to try to make a point

310
00:14:02,687 --> 00:14:04,688
about you accepting me as I am.

311
00:14:04,755 --> 00:14:06,189
I'm so sorry.

312
00:14:06,257 --> 00:14:08,091
My tattoo's real.

313
00:14:08,159 --> 00:14:10,193
It's gonna be there forever.

314
00:14:10,261 --> 00:14:13,130
And it's not even Tinker Bell
wearing a cowboy hat,

315
00:14:13,198 --> 00:14:15,265
which is what I always wanted.

316
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:18,035
We can go back and you can get that one

317
00:14:18,102 --> 00:14:19,803
and I'll get a real one just like you.

318
00:14:19,871 --> 00:14:22,238
You think I want you walking
around like some slut

319
00:14:22,306 --> 00:14:25,108
with a tattoo on the back of your neck?

320
00:14:25,176 --> 00:14:26,476
Oh, my God.

321
00:14:29,513 --> 00:14:32,148
( Knocks )
Ready for lunch?

322
00:14:32,215 --> 00:14:34,150
It is gorgeous outside.

323
00:14:34,217 --> 00:14:36,085
I just saw a dove kissing a butterfly.

324
00:14:36,153 --> 00:14:38,021
He was probably eating it.

325
00:14:40,158 --> 00:14:42,292
It's possible. I mean, I was dead wrong

326
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,228
about that cheetah playing tag
with the gazelle on Animal Planet.

327
00:14:45,296 --> 00:14:48,532
Boy, in Africa,
when you're it, you're it.

328
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,734
( Scoffs )
What's going on with you?

329
00:14:50,802 --> 00:14:53,637
You know that sensitive
professional surrogate

330
00:14:53,705 --> 00:14:55,973
- I hired for Erica?
- I've got to go.

331
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:59,376
That low-life bastard is dating her now.

332
00:14:59,444 --> 00:15:02,146
- How do you know that?
- I just talked to Erica on the phone.

333
00:15:02,213 --> 00:15:04,248
She's dating someone now, but
she won't tell me who it is.

334
00:15:04,316 --> 00:15:05,816
Who else can it be?

335
00:15:05,884 --> 00:15:08,952
Can you believe
how unethical that jerk is?

336
00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:11,422
Hell, yeah. It's totally unethical.

337
00:15:11,490 --> 00:15:13,457
For a professional surrogate.

338
00:15:13,525 --> 00:15:15,693
I'm gonna file a report with the APA.

339
00:15:15,761 --> 00:15:18,096
No, no, no, no. You know
what would be better?

340
00:15:18,164 --> 00:15:20,765
Don't talk to him. Don't even read
his e-mails. That'll teach him.

341
00:15:20,833 --> 00:15:22,901
( Knocks )
Kate, I just got your message.

342
00:15:22,969 --> 00:15:24,336
I got here as soon as I could.

343
00:15:24,404 --> 00:15:27,673
How dare you take advantage
of one of my patients?

344
00:15:27,741 --> 00:15:30,809
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, so you're the guy.

345
00:15:30,877 --> 00:15:33,878
I got a few things to say
to you, mister.

346
00:15:33,946 --> 00:15:36,747
Kate, would you give us a minute?

347
00:15:36,815 --> 00:15:38,849
- It's my office.
- You're right.

348
00:15:38,917 --> 00:15:40,651
We'll leave. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

349
00:15:40,719 --> 00:15:43,454
No, I'll take care of this.

350
00:15:43,522 --> 00:15:47,191
Do you have any idea
what an ethical violation

351
00:15:47,259 --> 00:15:49,193
it is for you to be dating Erica?

352
00:15:49,261 --> 00:15:51,329
Dating? I haven't even called her yet.

353
00:15:51,396 --> 00:15:52,897
That's a lie.

354
00:15:52,964 --> 00:15:54,699
Yeah, you can't just come in
here with all your lies.

355
00:15:54,766 --> 00:15:57,201
You should be ashamed of yourself.

356
00:15:57,269 --> 00:15:59,570
Now get out of here
and never contact Kate again.

357
00:15:59,638 --> 00:16:01,639
I'm gonna call the
ethics board right now.

358
00:16:01,707 --> 00:16:03,207
Now hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
Don't do that.

359
00:16:03,275 --> 00:16:04,909
Let's just try to look
at this subjectively.

360
00:16:04,976 --> 00:16:06,577
You mean objectively.

361
00:16:06,644 --> 00:16:09,045
No, that's not gonna help.

362
00:16:09,113 --> 00:16:11,248
All right, let's say
that he is dating her.

363
00:16:11,315 --> 00:16:12,882
I'm not dating her.

364
00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:16,219
Will you shut up?
I'm trying to help you here.

365
00:16:16,286 --> 00:16:19,321
A relationship with
a healthy man like this

366
00:16:19,389 --> 00:16:22,591
following a sexual awakening might be the
best thing that ever happened to her.

367
00:16:22,659 --> 00:16:25,394
And a real feather in your cap.

368
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:28,130
- Charlie.
- Yeah?

369
00:16:28,198 --> 00:16:31,734
What's going on?

370
00:16:31,802 --> 00:16:33,636
I'll tell you what's going on.

371
00:16:33,704 --> 00:16:36,506
First of all, you look beautiful.

372
00:16:36,573 --> 00:16:38,808
I should have said
something when I walked in,

373
00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:41,316
- but, hey, it's never too late to say...
- What is it, Charlie?

374
00:16:41,345 --> 00:16:43,446
- Yeah, what is it?
- Shut up!

375
00:16:46,351 --> 00:16:47,751
( Sighs )

376
00:16:47,819 --> 00:16:50,321
Have you ever accidentally
slept with someone before?

377
00:16:50,388 --> 00:16:51,855
No.

378
00:16:51,923 --> 00:16:53,991
You are really not helping here, pal.

379
00:16:58,272 --> 00:17:00,507
I am so sorry about
the misunderstanding.

380
00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:03,477
- I will call you tomorrow.
- You should report this guy.

381
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:05,913
Shut up. You're one step
away from being a whore.

382
00:17:10,719 --> 00:17:13,487
How could you sleep with my patient?

383
00:17:13,555 --> 00:17:16,191
Your directions were very confusing.

384
00:17:16,258 --> 00:17:18,260
Sometimes the way you phrase things,

385
00:17:18,327 --> 00:17:21,630
it sounds like you want me to
have sex with your patients.

386
00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:26,201
You have no idea the
problems you've caused.

387
00:17:26,269 --> 00:17:28,149
She actually thinks
she's gonna keep dating you.

388
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:30,572
We are gonna keep dating.
We have fun together.

389
00:17:30,639 --> 00:17:34,242
In fact, I happen to know I'm
the best lover she's ever had.

390
00:17:34,309 --> 00:17:37,311
Okay, you misunderstood me before,

391
00:17:37,379 --> 00:17:38,880
so I'm gonna be very clear on this.

392
00:17:38,947 --> 00:17:42,083
I do not want you dating Erica.

393
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:45,519
Kate, I'm a therapist. I understand
the pitfalls. But I like her.

394
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,321
- It won't work.
- Why not?

395
00:17:48,389 --> 00:17:51,124
Because you can't put a woman who
just got her driver's permit

396
00:17:51,192 --> 00:17:54,461
behind the wheel of a guy
who's banged a million women.

397
00:17:56,230 --> 00:17:58,531
Wow. I didn't think
you were gonna pull off

398
00:17:58,599 --> 00:18:00,033
the metaphor, but you actually did.

399
00:18:03,571 --> 00:18:06,440
So how did you lose your virginity?

400
00:18:06,508 --> 00:18:09,043
Baseball camp. There was
one girl on the team

401
00:18:09,110 --> 00:18:11,712
and every day she wanted to
prove she was one of the guys.

402
00:18:11,780 --> 00:18:14,648
And then one night she decided
to prove that she wasn't.

403
00:18:14,716 --> 00:18:15,683
( Laughs )

404
00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:20,554
Good-looking guy, huh?

405
00:18:20,622 --> 00:18:21,856
What? No.

406
00:18:21,923 --> 00:18:23,924
I'm just thinking about
what I wanted to order.

407
00:18:23,992 --> 00:18:25,993
Erica, it's okay.
This is all new to you.

408
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:27,261
You're just wondering
what it would be like

409
00:18:27,329 --> 00:18:29,930
to be with another super handsome guy.

410
00:18:29,998 --> 00:18:32,133
No, not at all.

411
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,135
( Man moans )

412
00:18:34,203 --> 00:18:36,404
I feel like having meat.

413
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,941
- What?
- For dinner.

414
00:18:40,009 --> 00:18:41,510
For dinner.

415
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:44,646
Erica, I'm not threatened.
It's perfectly natural

416
00:18:44,714 --> 00:18:46,948
for an attractive person to look
at other attractive people.

417
00:18:47,016 --> 00:18:50,018
Yeah, like that tall guy over there.

418
00:18:50,086 --> 00:18:52,788
I bet I'd feel so small
and helpless next to him.

419
00:18:52,856 --> 00:18:56,125
( Sighs )
Okay, we need to talk.

420
00:18:56,193 --> 00:18:59,196
Here's what's happening.
You just had your first steak.

421
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:03,099
And it was really good.
I'm talking five stars on Yelp.

422
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:08,371
And pretty soon you'll be
curious about Indian food

423
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:11,207
and Italian food and...

424
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,010
( Sighs )
whatever the hell kind of food that guy is.

425
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,749
- And that's healthy.
- Is it?

426
00:19:18,816 --> 00:19:21,952
I just think since I've shut
myself off to men for so long,

427
00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:25,389
now it's like they're half
the population or something.

428
00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:28,359
It's a shame,
because you're really great.

429
00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:30,828
What are you saying?

430
00:19:30,896 --> 00:19:34,532
I'm saying that this won't work.

431
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,933
You shouldn't be tied down by me.

432
00:19:36,001 --> 00:19:38,603
You should be tied down by lots of guys.

433
00:19:38,670 --> 00:19:40,337
- But I really like you.
- And I like you, too.

434
00:19:40,405 --> 00:19:41,606
But trust me, you need to get out there

435
00:19:41,673 --> 00:19:44,042
and experience all kinds of people.

436
00:19:44,109 --> 00:19:47,245
And once you've gotten that out of your
system, if you're still interested,

437
00:19:47,313 --> 00:19:49,682
get tested and come back to me.

438
00:19:52,519 --> 00:19:54,087
So you got this thing

439
00:19:54,154 --> 00:19:56,456
to keep me from killing Canvas?

440
00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,491
Yeah, when I thought he took Sam

441
00:19:58,558 --> 00:20:00,560
to get a tattoo, I overreacted.

442
00:20:00,627 --> 00:20:02,995
No, you got it right. I would have
strangled him with one of his legs

443
00:20:03,063 --> 00:20:05,765
and then made it
look like a yoga accident.

444
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:08,968
Hey. Hey, dig the new tattoo.

445
00:20:09,036 --> 00:20:11,638
Thanks. It's a long story.

446
00:20:11,705 --> 00:20:15,375
You know, I spent a few
months studying in Shanghai.

447
00:20:15,443 --> 00:20:17,744
Why does it say "sack of rice"?

448
00:20:17,812 --> 00:20:19,012
What?

449
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,248
It's supposed to say "sacrifice."

450
00:20:21,315 --> 00:20:23,417
Damn it!

451
00:20:25,319 --> 00:20:26,820
So, you wanted to talk to me?

452
00:20:26,888 --> 00:20:29,222
Yes. Yes.

453
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:31,558
I just wanted you to know

454
00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:34,661
that I thought about what you said,

455
00:20:34,729 --> 00:20:36,797
so I broke it off with Erica.

456
00:20:36,864 --> 00:20:38,598
It was the right thing to do.

457
00:20:38,666 --> 00:20:42,368
So she left you to take
a tour of Bonertown, right?

458
00:20:42,436 --> 00:20:44,637
Yup. She's on a cockabout.

459
00:20:44,662 --> 00:20:47,662
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com