Hey, everybody. Welcome back.
By the way, I just wanna say I'm really sorry
for last week's snack fiasco.
I had no idea that macaroons
would create such vitriolic feelings...
not to mention, mommy issues.
I was as surprised as anybody.
Before we start, I've got an announcement to make.
This is my last session ever.
Turns out, my problem wasn't anger,
it's that I wasn't a famous model.
But I just booked my first shoot,
so I really just came to make fun of you
and say goodbye.
Ed, you cried over cookies... ha, ha, ha!
A model, huh? In what? A magazine
behind the counter in a gas station?
Or some website that you have to click on...
"I'm over 18 and horny"?
Please, please, please, please, please...
No. It's for a brand-new
high-fashion line called "Montmarte,"
and as soon as they see how good my ass looks in their clothes,
they're gonna make it the new face of their company.
Lacey, we're all happy that you got your first photo shoot.
And even though models seem like a healthy and stable bunch...
you really should keep coming to therapy.
Lacey, I think I speak for Charlie, here
when I say that modeling isn't gonna solve your problems.
- Thank you. - However, it does lead to the wealth and fame
that will solve your problems.
- Thank you. - And thank you again.
Look, Lacey, you still have underlying anger issues.
Plus... you're too fat to be a model.
- I'll kill you. - Ah, see? Right there.
And you're not fat. I only said that to prove my point.
And I only said I'll kill you
because if you call me fat again, I'll kill you.
- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Jen.
Charlie!
You know, Canvas, every time I see you, you don't have to...
yeah, I guess you do.
( Sniffs ) Oh, wow, you smell like...
fresh trees at nightfall.
And you smell like... ( Sniffs )
a goat.
Oh, wow! I was just hanging out with my goat.
You have a goat? He has a goat?
Yeah. I was waiting for that to come up naturally in conversation.
And here we are.
So, anyway, we came over
because you asked Canvas to help you feng shui your house.
- I did? - You 'member, we talked about it
when we were riding horses by that raw chocolate volcano?
Aw, wait. That was a dream.
Do you remember?
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure as I was sliding down
your LSD rainbow, I told you to forget about it.
You know, I'm really worried that you have
energy blocks in your house,
and someone your age... you don't need that, you know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... someone my age?
Yeah, let's face it. You got 40 in the rear view,
and you need all the energy flow you can get.
Right? I'll check it out.
Now, Jen I know that you think that he's the perfect guy.
I mean, how could you not?
You met at a drug festival in the desert.
I wish you'd just give him a chance.
I think that if you and everyone else got to know him,
you all would actually like him.
Well, Jen, it's not that tough.
Just have a barbecue, invite everyone you know,
and they'll get to know him.
- You'd do that for me? - Whoa, whoa... why me?
You got the grill in the divorce.
Jen, if I have the family over for a barbecue,
that means I gotta invite people I don't like...
like my dad. And Canvas!
Thank you. Thank you, Charlie.
Oh, and remember, Canvas and I are vegetarians.
That's fine, I'll just lie and say the hot dogs are vegetarian.
Thank you.
Anger Management 2x31 - Charlie Kills His Ex's Sex Life - Original air date August 8, 2013
Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com
Maybe you should slow down there, Edward.
You're the designated driver tonight.
- Says who? - Says I've had four already.
- Can I try a beer? - No, you cannot.
It's against the law. Besides, as of now,
you are the designated driver tonight.
But I only have a learner's permit.
The best way to learn is to practice.
We're here for you. Hear, hear.
Hey, sorry we're late. We made a kale-dandelion salad.
And I made the dressing from milk I got from my goat.
Sounds great. I hope there's enough for just the two of ya.
I'm sorry. Canvas, this is Ed.
Where's this goat? If we're gonna eat it,
I'd better get to the killin' and skinnin'.
No, Ed. My goat has a beautiful spirit,
like you have.
- Come here. - No!
Canvas, this is my dad, Martin.
He'd hug you, but you're holding meat.
And I'm also a man.
So, Canvas... that's a very interesting name.
Well, I mean, it's open to interpretation.
Here's my interpretation... it's not a real name at all.
And you should button that shirt.
I'll take these out for you. Be nice.
Sorry about my dad.
Here's something you don't know about him...
he's a horrible person.
And you're wearing a dress.
You were pretty much doomed when you walked into the house.
Wow. So you're saying be myself.
I am?
Yeah. That's so wise.
You gotta be on the planet a long time to have that kind of wisdom.
Well, I haven't been on the planet that long.
Oh, right. I forget sometimes people your age
get sensitive about how old they are.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. How old do you think I am?
I don't believe in age. It's just a number.
I measure people by their vitality.
Oh... I almost forgot. I made you something.
A cane!?
No, man. It's a walking stick.
It's meant to keep you walking strong
even as your body starts to grow weak.
That's for you.
Thank you.
Where the hell have you been?
I figure it's a barbecue, we're gonna shoot some hoops later,
so I had to go find my knee brace.
We're not getting any younger, Charlie.
That doesn't mean we're getting old.
Chill out, "Moses."
Where'd you get that cane?
It's a walking stick...
and I don't need it.
I don't know. I've seen some mornings
where you could use that thing to get around.
It's not because I'm old, it's because I'm hung over.
Why are you so upset?
Brother Charlie, I meant to ask, do you need help with anything?
- What's up, man? - What's up?
You never told me Sam had a boyfriend.
No, no, this is Canvas, Jen's new boyfriend.
Oh, now I know why.
You want me to bring this cooler out?
I mean, it looks heavy.
I can handle the cooler. I'm in good shape.
I played professional baseball.
What about you, Canvas? You play any sports?
And dancing naked around a fire
blowing on a pan flute is not a sport.
Yeah, actually, I'm a pretty natural athlete.
Oh, really? What do you say we go outside
- and play a little basketball? - Cool. I'm in.
No, not you. Just me and Canvas.
One-on-one.
You wanna borrow my knee brace?
I don't need your stupid knee brace.
Let's do this.
Keep it handy, just in case.
Please tell me they're done playing basketball.
It's been five hours. They missed the whole barbecue.
( Sighs ) I don't think Charlie's gonna quit
- until he wins a game. - Has he come close?
Well, every game starts at zero to zero,
so technically, he's been tied at least once every game.
Injured man, coming through.
Oh, my God, sweetie. Are you all right?
I'm okay, beauty. I just... I rolled my ankle.
Rolled it? What does that mean?
It means he had to forfeit the game, so I won.
( Chuckles )
Give me my ball.
Why you gotta be so competitive, Charlie?
Oh, come on. He's a kid, he'll be fine.
Just stay off it a while and give him some Flintstone chewables.
They've got calcium.
I'll just put some ice on it when we get home.
We're not going anywhere. I can't drive a stick,
and you're not driving either.
You're ankle's been horribly "rolled," whatever that means.
All, right, fine. You can stay in the guest room.
Oh, here.
Here's a cane... I mean, a walking stick.
You need it more than I do.
Thanks. ( Grunts )
( Sighs )
I gotta hand it to you.
You really hung in there with that kid.
Sure did.
- Chair? - Chair!
Yeah.
( Knocking on door ) Patrick: Coming.
Keep your pants on... ( Banging on door )
unless that's you, Brice.
( Sobbing ) Lacey? Oh, my God, what happened?
Aren't you supposed to be at the fitting
for your photo shoot tomorrow?
You can't believe what happened, Patrick.
It was so humiliating.
Sweetie, I am so sorry.
I thought it was a legitimate gig.
What did they make you do?
They made me wear this.
Oh, my God.
They aren't people, they're monsters.
( Sobs )
I can't believe Montmarte would design that?!
It's not Montmarte, it's "Mom Mart"!
( Sobs ) It's a catalog of mom clothes!
So you just ran off with the clothes?
- I wasn't thinking. - Of course not.
Why else would you go out in public like that?
I could never go back there.
Are you sure? If you blow this off,
your agent will never book you again
and your modeling career will be over.
( Sobs ) It can't be over.
I haven't even been naked in a music video
or thrown a phone at a maid's head yet.
If I go back, will you go with me?
Not only will I go with you,
but I have a plan to change "Mom Mart" back into Montmarte,
become their top designer, then retire to a mansion
in South Beach, where my husband Brice will worry
about my increasingly eccentric behavior.
Take off those rags, and let's get started.
Okay, but just a warning...
they made me wear "granny panties"
and a brown comfort bra!
Savages!
Maybe it's because we're in my ex-husband's house,
but that was amazing.
Especially considering how worn out
you must have been after all that basketball.
At least you didn't get hurt where it really counts.
( Chuckles )
Most men just start snoring immediately after sex,
but not you. You're the most amazing listener.
So, you ready for round two?
Come on, don't make me beg.
All right. Please?
Honey, you're freezing.
Here, let's warm you up.
Canvas...?
Canvas?
Canvas?!
( Groans )
( Sighs )
( Jen screams ) Charlie!
Somebody better be dead.
Jen's boyfriend died? My God, what happened?
He and Jen were having sex, and she thinks that's what killed him.
Well, she shouldn't. It's time we women accept
that we're not responsible for every guy who dies
while they're having sex with us.
How many guys have died having sex with you?
That's not important right now.
How's Jen holding up?
How many guys are we talking about? Two? Four?
Charlie, I do not want to talk about this.
Wow. Maybe you should post a warning...
"Enter at your own risk."
Yeah... like there's room
for another tattoo down there.
- Truth is, I'm the one who killed him. - What are you talking about?
He kept bringing up how old I was,
so I challenged him to a game of basketball,
and I pushed him and I pushed him until I finally won.
Well, you shouldn't blame yourself.
He challenged your identity as a virile athlete...
and you killed him.
Pickled egg?
Jen and I would go to the funeral,
but it's tomorrow morning and in Delaware.
You know how you could alleviate some of this guilt?
By having a memorial service for him out here.
That is a great idea. I should do that.
- Can I come? - You don't even know the guy.
I know, but it's a good way to meet a man,
and you know, maybe hook up
and pray he lives to see the sun rise.
...what you did to their clothes.
I don't want to get in trouble.
Don't worry. Just remember...
fashion is art, art is life...
and yes, we might get in trouble.
Oh, my God, we were worried to death.
Why, thank you, but I'm okay.
Not about you, about the clothes.
They're fine. She's wearing them,
and they're both ready to start.
- I'll see if they're ready for you. - Okay.
- Okay, Lacey. - Okay, baby.
You go out there, and you show 'em who's Mom.
Wait, wait, wait wait, wait.
What is all this?
It was his idea. That guy over there.
I love it.
Let's shoot it and see if we can sell it to corporate.
Just need one more thing... the baby!
Baby?
But the baby doesn't go with my outfit,
and I don't even know how to hold a baby.
Just pretend it's a little dog.
That's perfect.
Okay, I'm here. Let's do this.
You brought the goat?
Canvas was very close to his goat.
He would have wanted Stella to be here for this.
"Stella"?
He named her after the beer. She really loves it.
She's a little buzzed right now.
I've got to be honest. I feel really uncomfortable.
About meeting Canvas' surf buddies?
No... about wearing this.
Oh, my God, you're wearing a man-skirt.
Well, I figured all of his friends will be wearing one.
Besides, I used to bust his balls about it,
which is easy, 'cause they were, like, right there.
( Voices murmuring )
I'm the only one in a skirt.
I have failed as a father.
Yes, you did, and it has nothing to do with this outfit.
Good day, ma'am.
Jen: Thank you so much for coming, everybody.
As we all know,
Canvas was an incredibly special person.
I'd like to share a letter I wrote to him
the night before he died.
"My dear, beautiful Canvas,"
"I'll never forget the first time I saw you."
"You were a magic man who cast a spell"...
Charlie, can you please read this for me?
"You were a magic man who cast a spell on me."
"And it wasn't long before I was lost in your green eyes,"
"your soft, kissable lips, your young..."
"muscular body."
"I knew then and there I wanted you so bad..."
"so, so, so bad..."
( Sobs )
( Sighs )
"When you ran your hand down my back,"
"it was electric."
"When you picked me up and carried me into your van,"
"I felt like a beautiful princess."
"And later, you showed me how to be free with my body."
"We bathed each other, we shaved each other..."
Okay, look, I've know Jen longer than anyone
and I've never heard her express her feelings like this before.
And I can tell that Canvas brought more passion and joy
into her life in the three months that she knew him
than most people experience in a lifetime.
And knowing Jen...
she brought more into his life than anyone.
( Bleats softly )
Except maybe for the goat.
( Bleats )
I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Hi.
You okay?
I just got off the phone with Canvas' sister.
He had a heart condition,
but he didn't believe in traditional medicine.
- Told you it wasn't your fault. - Yeah.
It wasn't anybody's fault.
Thanks for doing the memorial.
Sorry I didn't help clean up.
Ah, that's okay.
It was just 12 dreamcatchers,
nine wind chimes and a couple of goat droppings.
You were amazing today.
You're wonderful to take such good care of me.
I'm always here for ya.
Yeah, well, I'll leave you alone
and let you get some rest.
I'm not tired.
And I don't wanna be alone.
Well, Jen... I would love to,
but don't you think...
I don't wanna think. Let's not think.
Jennifer?
Michael? What the hell are you doing here?
Sorry. I ran out of cereal. And milk.
And I haven't washed any spoons for a long time.
If you're looking for Jen, she let me in and split.
Did she seem okay?
She didn't seem anything. She just kinda... left. Why?
( Stammers ) I... I might have made a big mistake last night.
What happened?
I think I had sex with somebody that I shouldn't have.
( Faint tapping )
They always look so much better
when you've had a couple of drinks in you.
Oh... Jen?! Are you serious?
I feel horrible.
My divorce was the one relationship in my life that actually worked.
- What about us? - I'm not as happy with this as you are.
( Knocking on door )
It's open. Come on in.
- Hey. - Hey, Charlie.
Sorry I left without saying goodbye.
I didn't wanna wake you.
I did poke you to make sure you were alive.
Thanks.
I just wanted to...
talk to you about what happened last night
and make sure that I...
It's okay.
I needed somebody, you were there for me.
Let's not make a big deal of it.
- Well, that's great. - Yeah.
I was afraid that I'd messed everything up.
No, you didn't. You were wonderful.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
You were wonderful, too.
Had some new moves I noticed there.
Ahem... very nice.
Isn't it great we can talk about it this way?
Absolutely.
I feel really weird.
So do I. Shall I make some breakfast?
- Great idea. - Okay.
We'll eat until this thing passes.
So... how long you been manscaping?
Yeah, I'm gonna go home.
Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com