1
00:00:01,082 --> 00:00:02,920
Nolan, you haven't said anything
for the last 30 minutes.
2
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:04,778
You've just been
sitting there smiling.
3
00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:07,466
Yeah.
4
00:00:07,632 --> 00:00:10,451
Okay, the last time this happened,
you'd been up for 48 straight hours
5
00:00:10,576 --> 00:00:12,419
smoking and watching
a "Tom and Jerry" marathon.
6
00:00:12,544 --> 00:00:15,098
According to the listings,
there was no such marathon.
7
00:00:15,264 --> 00:00:17,184
Yeah.
8
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,343
Which means you were
probably watching a real cat
9
00:00:19,468 --> 00:00:22,648
chase a real mouse around
your apartment for two days.
10
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,266
I'm not happy because I'm high.
11
00:00:25,391 --> 00:00:27,903
I'm happy because I've started
dating somebody online.
12
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,188
I mean, we haven't met yet,
but she's a great girl
13
00:00:31,313 --> 00:00:33,283
and her name is Stacy.
14
00:00:33,449 --> 00:00:35,382
Yeah, it's a black dude.
15
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,596
No, she's a 28-year old blonde doctor
16
00:00:39,721 --> 00:00:41,231
who also models.
17
00:00:41,356 --> 00:00:43,150
Oh, and her family
has front-row seats
18
00:00:43,275 --> 00:00:45,420
to all the big sporting events.
19
00:00:45,586 --> 00:00:48,238
Okay, so, it's a morbidly obese
insurance salesman
20
00:00:48,363 --> 00:00:50,498
who may or may not be a cannibal.
21
00:00:52,451 --> 00:00:54,461
Oh, yeah, smart guy?
22
00:00:54,586 --> 00:00:56,598
Then how do you explain this picture?
23
00:00:56,764 --> 00:00:58,666
Oh, so it's a morbidly obese cannibal
24
00:00:58,791 --> 00:01:00,241
who used somebody else's picture.
25
00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,120
Nolan, when something online
26
00:01:03,245 --> 00:01:06,090
sounds too good to be true,
it usually is.
27
00:01:06,215 --> 00:01:08,175
Except for the SodaStream,
which really does turn your kitchen
28
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,384
into an old-fashioned malt shoppe.
29
00:01:12,905 --> 00:01:15,701
So let's talk about this date.
30
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:18,319
Well, I'm meeting her
for dessert tomorrow
31
00:01:18,444 --> 00:01:20,654
at Yummy Time Yogurt.
32
00:01:20,779 --> 00:01:24,918
Yummy Time? Oh, my God,
the guy thinks you're a 12-year-old.
33
00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:27,838
I say we should all hope
for the best for Nolan.
34
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:28,839
Thank you, Ed.
35
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:31,198
And tomorrow night, I think
we should all get together afterwards
36
00:01:31,323 --> 00:01:35,243
to see if Nolan escaped from
this cannibalistic pedophile.
37
00:01:37,746 --> 00:01:39,256
Hey.
38
00:01:39,381 --> 00:01:40,991
I am so glad you're back.
39
00:01:41,116 --> 00:01:43,645
I cannot watch these two
people have sex anymore.
40
00:01:43,811 --> 00:01:46,547
She's the hairiest woman
I've ever seen
41
00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:48,682
and he's shaved everywhere.
42
00:01:48,807 --> 00:01:50,517
It's like watching a giant baby
43
00:01:50,642 --> 00:01:53,530
roll around on a bearskin rug.
44
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,639
I've got bad news.
45
00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:57,743
They cut the funding for our study.
46
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,327
( stutters )
What? Why?
47
00:01:59,493 --> 00:02:01,695
The university cut their budget.
We weren't a priority.
48
00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:03,731
Apparently,
the tight-asses on the grant committee
49
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:06,516
think that helping children
walk is more important
50
00:02:06,641 --> 00:02:08,462
than our casual sex research.
51
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,687
Don't they realize that after
these kids start walking
52
00:02:10,812 --> 00:02:12,424
that they're gonna
want casual sex, too?
53
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:15,959
The worst part is they shut us down,
54
00:02:16,084 --> 00:02:18,495
but the guys showing porn to
the raccoons across the hall
55
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:21,298
- are still in business.
- It's not even a real study.
56
00:02:21,423 --> 00:02:25,669
It's just two frat guys with
a laptop and a pet raccoon.
57
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,388
So what should we do?
58
00:02:27,513 --> 00:02:29,608
It took us four years to find
funding in the first place.
59
00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:31,541
I guess we might just have to
60
00:02:31,666 --> 00:02:33,060
pack it in...
61
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:36,573
and go back to working separately.
62
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:39,117
Yeah.
63
00:02:39,283 --> 00:02:40,507
Yeah.
64
00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:45,072
Or we could find
somebody else to fund us.
65
00:02:45,197 --> 00:02:46,607
That is exactly what we'll do.
66
00:02:46,732 --> 00:02:49,493
Our research is way too important.
67
00:02:49,618 --> 00:02:52,506
So until somebody forces
us out of these chairs,
68
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,539
we're gonna sit here and do our job.
69
00:02:56,691 --> 00:02:58,793
Oh, God, Charlie.
That woman is hairy.
70
00:03:00,462 --> 00:03:02,933
I bet the raccoon would love this.
71
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,715
( theme music playing )
72
00:03:09,755 --> 00:03:11,566
Hello.
Charlie Goodson.
73
00:03:11,732 --> 00:03:13,276
I'm here about the grant
for the Goodson-Whales study.
74
00:03:13,442 --> 00:03:14,903
Please have a seat.
We'll be with you shortly.
75
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:16,457
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Lisa.
76
00:03:16,582 --> 00:03:18,729
Please keep me updated
on the status of things.
77
00:03:20,574 --> 00:03:21,743
Perfect.
78
00:03:21,909 --> 00:03:24,185
Oh, little Charlie Goodson.
79
00:03:24,578 --> 00:03:26,456
Hello, Debbie.
80
00:03:26,622 --> 00:03:30,168
- Leslie.
- Yeah, that's better.
81
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:33,130
So, I haven't seen you since you
tried to steal my lady friend away.
82
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:35,205
No, no.
Hope was my lady friend
83
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:36,925
and you tried to steal
her away from me.
84
00:03:37,165 --> 00:03:41,138
That is the last time I'll be
using the term "lady friend."
85
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,547
Calm down, old boy.
86
00:03:43,672 --> 00:03:45,716
You know, for an anger
management therapist,
87
00:03:45,841 --> 00:03:47,018
you certainly have a short willy.
88
00:03:47,184 --> 00:03:50,087
That's what we call
a fuse in England...
89
00:03:50,354 --> 00:03:51,523
as far as you know.
90
00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:53,764
Good luck with the grant.
91
00:03:56,885 --> 00:03:58,603
( sighs )
92
00:04:00,305 --> 00:04:02,065
Sorry I'm late.
93
00:04:02,190 --> 00:04:03,451
Where's your tie?
94
00:04:03,617 --> 00:04:05,787
Uh, I'm not wearing one.
Is that a problem?
95
00:04:06,028 --> 00:04:09,530
No, people love giving grant
money to lounge singers.
96
00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:13,360
I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.
97
00:04:13,485 --> 00:04:16,029
We're running out of places that will
fund us. This is our best shot.
98
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:18,165
I know and now we've got
some major competition.
99
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:20,317
I just ran into this big shot
psychopharmacologist.
100
00:04:20,442 --> 00:04:22,202
I can't stand this guy
and now it turns out
101
00:04:22,327 --> 00:04:24,931
he might be going for the same grant.
102
00:04:25,097 --> 00:04:26,433
Was he wearing a tie?
103
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,825
( sneers )
"Was he wearing a tie?"
104
00:04:28,950 --> 00:04:30,751
Yes, damn it.
105
00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:35,400
Thanks so much for coming in here
106
00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:37,467
to discuss your study.
107
00:04:37,592 --> 00:04:39,143
( laughing )
108
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:42,339
The work you're doing is, uh...
109
00:04:42,464 --> 00:04:45,702
( giggles )
very interesting,
110
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,278
and I will definitely
111
00:04:48,403 --> 00:04:50,513
be giving it some
serious consideration...
112
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:53,524
this weekend.
( laughing )
113
00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:59,883
So... you will?
114
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:03,293
Well, yes, of course.
I mean, what else am I gonna do?
115
00:05:03,418 --> 00:05:06,079
I'm not seeing anyone else right now.
116
00:05:06,204 --> 00:05:07,998
( laughing )
117
00:05:08,123 --> 00:05:10,174
Or for the last two years.
( laughing )
118
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:13,536
I don't see why not.
119
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,223
You have a lovely and...
120
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:19,361
persistent laugh.
121
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,863
Thank you.
( laughs )
122
00:05:22,029 --> 00:05:24,731
Well, anyway,
we just think it would be a waste
123
00:05:24,856 --> 00:05:26,400
to stop the project now.
124
00:05:26,525 --> 00:05:28,370
I mean, we've come so far.
125
00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,103
I know, and coming in here
126
00:05:30,228 --> 00:05:32,555
and having to beg
for money is the worst.
127
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,943
I mean, if you could be
doing your research right now,
128
00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:37,394
you'd be doing that instead.
129
00:05:37,519 --> 00:05:40,571
( laughing )
Right?
130
00:05:42,357 --> 00:05:44,458
We'd be doing anything instead.
131
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:48,956
So I think we covered everything.
132
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,508
And I want you to know,
133
00:05:51,633 --> 00:05:56,470
I like anything about sex.
134
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,027
Well, I used to.
Now, I just miss it.
135
00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:02,779
So if you need to reach me,
136
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:06,556
call me anytime...
137
00:06:06,681 --> 00:06:09,226
day...
138
00:06:09,351 --> 00:06:10,717
or night.
( laughing )
139
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:17,210
You don't have to...
okay, but you did.
140
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:20,023
Thank you.
We will be in touch.
141
00:06:20,148 --> 00:06:21,188
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
142
00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:23,730
( laughs )
143
00:06:28,069 --> 00:06:29,612
Will you please drop it?
144
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:31,683
I'm not going out with her.
145
00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,643
Do you want to get that grant or not?
146
00:06:33,809 --> 00:06:35,669
Well, of course I do.
147
00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:38,106
Come on, Kate, I have my limits.
148
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:40,507
She's like a laughing hyena
149
00:06:40,632 --> 00:06:43,343
on laughing gas at a comedy club.
150
00:06:43,468 --> 00:06:44,863
Do you see where I'm going with this?
151
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:47,490
Charlie, it wasn't that bad.
152
00:06:47,656 --> 00:06:50,183
She practically threw herself at you.
153
00:06:50,308 --> 00:06:53,496
It was that bad, and I practically
threw myself out the window.
154
00:06:53,662 --> 00:06:56,857
Charlie, if we want this money,
you have to go out with her.
155
00:06:56,982 --> 00:06:59,526
Wine her, dine her.
Do whatever it takes.
156
00:06:59,793 --> 00:07:00,977
Wait...
157
00:07:01,102 --> 00:07:02,380
you're not suggesting...
158
00:07:02,546 --> 00:07:04,632
Oh, yes.
I am suggesting.
159
00:07:04,798 --> 00:07:07,093
You're pushing me
to have sex with her?
160
00:07:07,325 --> 00:07:10,170
I am not pushing.
I'm just going to keep suggesting it
161
00:07:10,295 --> 00:07:11,973
until you come to it on your own.
162
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:16,436
Kate, you know me and you
know how I feel about sex.
163
00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:20,464
The only reason I'd be doing
it is for making babies.
164
00:07:20,589 --> 00:07:23,693
Practicing.
It's in the Bible.
165
00:07:23,859 --> 00:07:25,135
( sighs )
166
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:26,853
Know what else is in the Bible?
167
00:07:26,978 --> 00:07:29,272
"To lay with her and know her
168
00:07:29,397 --> 00:07:31,493
until it begets a grant."
169
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,277
I mean, isn't this research project
170
00:07:34,402 --> 00:07:37,916
and continuing to work
with me important to you?
171
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:41,535
( sighs )
172
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:44,738
Okay, fine.
I'll do it.
173
00:07:44,863 --> 00:07:47,190
Hopefully, she has some wild fantasy
174
00:07:47,315 --> 00:07:49,793
about doing it at the airport
with a baggage handler
175
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:52,536
so I can wear those giant headphones.
176
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:02,941
{pub}Dr. Stacy, give me the news.
177
00:08:03,179 --> 00:08:05,485
I got a bad case of loving you.
178
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,740
Well, we tried.
I guess that didn't work out.
179
00:08:10,906 --> 00:08:12,804
You must be Nolan.
180
00:08:14,506 --> 00:08:16,871
- Who are you?
- I'm Stacy.
181
00:08:17,037 --> 00:08:19,770
Please tell me this is one of
these "Freaky Friday" things
182
00:08:19,895 --> 00:08:22,836
where you switched bodies
with your mom.
183
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,422
Nope.
Made the whole thing up.
184
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:26,649
Oh, I feel so stupid.
185
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,633
Everybody said it was
too good to be true.
186
00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:30,802
Buy me a large cup
of strawberry yogurt.
187
00:08:31,023 --> 00:08:32,283
Are you kidding?
Forget it.
188
00:08:32,408 --> 00:08:34,335
- I'm going home.
- No, you're not.
189
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:35,890
Tomorrow we're going bike shopping
190
00:08:36,056 --> 00:08:37,642
and next week we're
hitting the Apple Store.
191
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,924
- Why would I do that?
- Because if you don't,
192
00:08:40,049 --> 00:08:42,710
I'm gonna tell my dad
that you've been talking to me online,
193
00:08:42,835 --> 00:08:44,232
and he's gonna call the cops on you.
194
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:47,110
Do you want sprinkles
with that yogurt?
195
00:08:50,342 --> 00:08:52,323
Club sandwich.
( laughs )
196
00:08:54,379 --> 00:08:57,475
Ooh, crab cakes.
( laughs )
197
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,886
Choice of vegetables or fruit.
( giggles )
198
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,710
Yeah.
199
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:06,367
You know, Charlie, I am so happy
200
00:09:06,492 --> 00:09:09,286
that you called
and asked me to dinner.
201
00:09:09,411 --> 00:09:10,955
Um...
202
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,720
so you and Kate, are you a couple?
203
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,576
Well, we're not together,
204
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:18,433
but we're definitely a couple of people.
( chuckles )
205
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,352
Really? Nothing?
206
00:09:21,573 --> 00:09:26,053
So you and Kate aren't together.
207
00:09:26,178 --> 00:09:30,195
Huh, interesting.
( laughing )
208
00:09:33,552 --> 00:09:35,513
Oh, you know what?
I just remembered,
209
00:09:35,638 --> 00:09:38,899
I have to call a patient who's
being forced to do something
210
00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:42,207
he really doesn't wanna do
and is feeling suicidal.
211
00:09:42,427 --> 00:09:44,855
Oh, no, that's horrible.
212
00:09:44,980 --> 00:09:46,544
( laughs )
213
00:09:46,765 --> 00:09:49,172
So why are you laughing?
214
00:09:49,401 --> 00:09:52,008
I am?
( laughing )
215
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,571
( mutters )
216
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:00,921
( phone chimes )
217
00:10:01,046 --> 00:10:03,228
Charlie, did we get the grant?
218
00:10:03,448 --> 00:10:05,146
No, I can't go through
with this, Kate.
219
00:10:05,384 --> 00:10:07,524
Is it because of the laughing?
220
00:10:07,803 --> 00:10:10,514
No, no. It turns out
the laughter is the best part.
221
00:10:10,639 --> 00:10:12,516
It helps distract
from the huge black hole
222
00:10:12,641 --> 00:10:14,447
where her personality should be.
223
00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,103
I can't do this.
224
00:10:16,228 --> 00:10:18,439
Charlie, listen to me.
225
00:10:18,564 --> 00:10:20,524
You have got to do this.
226
00:10:20,649 --> 00:10:22,509
For us.
227
00:10:22,634 --> 00:10:25,679
Hey, if things were reversed,
I would do it in a heartbeat.
228
00:10:25,804 --> 00:10:28,211
Okay, fine. You win.
But you gotta pick me up afterwards.
229
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:29,212
Why?
230
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:33,216
Because I'm gonna be very,
very, very, very drunk.
231
00:10:33,445 --> 00:10:36,414
( laughing )
A fork.
232
00:10:40,202 --> 00:10:42,370
I'm talking Nicolas Cage-drunk.
233
00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:47,218
You have a nice house.
234
00:10:47,343 --> 00:10:49,303
Oh, thanks.
I'm just renting.
235
00:10:49,428 --> 00:10:50,704
( laughs )
236
00:10:50,829 --> 00:10:53,278
I'm just not a homeowner.
237
00:10:53,498 --> 00:10:55,926
Is there anything I can do for you?
238
00:10:56,051 --> 00:10:58,378
With you?
239
00:10:58,503 --> 00:11:00,994
To you?
240
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,733
Well...
241
00:11:02,858 --> 00:11:04,769
there is one thing
242
00:11:04,894 --> 00:11:08,439
I've been trying to find a way
to ask you for all night.
243
00:11:08,564 --> 00:11:10,587
( laughing )
244
00:11:12,284 --> 00:11:14,111
You don't have to ask.
245
00:11:14,236 --> 00:11:16,831
Why don't we just go
inside and turn on some...
246
00:11:16,956 --> 00:11:18,999
deafening music
247
00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:21,014
and do this?
248
00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:23,003
Why do we have to do that
249
00:11:23,128 --> 00:11:25,246
for you to give me
Kate's phone number?
250
00:11:25,517 --> 00:11:28,271
You want Kate's number?
251
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,378
Yeah, well, we're leaning towards
252
00:11:31,503 --> 00:11:32,963
giving you guys the money,
253
00:11:33,088 --> 00:11:36,217
and I just thought a date with Kate
254
00:11:36,342 --> 00:11:42,223
might help make my decision
a little easier.
255
00:11:42,348 --> 00:11:45,455
She's really hot.
( laughing )
256
00:11:45,684 --> 00:11:46,811
( laughs )
Yeah.
257
00:11:46,936 --> 00:11:49,363
Yeah, you know.
Whoa.
258
00:11:49,488 --> 00:11:51,544
( both laughing )
259
00:11:57,029 --> 00:11:58,468
- I know, right?
- Yeah.
260
00:12:01,116 --> 00:12:03,723
By the way, what was
the deafening music for?
261
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,830
Oh, now it's just to celebrate.
262
00:12:05,955 --> 00:12:10,134
Any time I can bring together
two lovely gay women,
263
00:12:10,259 --> 00:12:12,219
that...
( laughs )
264
00:12:12,344 --> 00:12:13,524
is a reason to celebrate.
265
00:12:13,745 --> 00:12:15,526
( laughs )
Yeah.
266
00:12:18,997 --> 00:12:20,323
{pub}Hey, there.
267
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,909
There he is, my hero.
How did it go?
268
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:26,087
Let's just say I gave
her what she wanted.
269
00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,682
Thank you, Charlie.
270
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:31,084
And for service
beyond the call of duty,
271
00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:33,594
I bought you a little gift.
272
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:37,758
You might wanna keep that.
In fact, you might wanna drink that
273
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:40,551
on your upcoming cruise
to the Isle of Lesbos.
274
00:12:40,717 --> 00:12:43,971
- Excuse me?
- Turns out she wants you.
275
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,400
- Me?
- Yes, you are the lucky winner.
276
00:12:46,525 --> 00:12:49,102
( imitates laughter )
277
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,905
Wow.
278
00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:53,856
So now where are we
going to find the money?
279
00:12:54,022 --> 00:12:55,409
Well, I know where you're going
280
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:57,443
and I know where
you're gonna find it.
281
00:12:57,609 --> 00:12:59,987
- Oh, forget it.
- ( bottle taps )
282
00:13:00,205 --> 00:13:03,366
I am not going to have sex
with a woman to get funding.
283
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:04,992
Well, you had no problem
with me doing it.
284
00:13:05,158 --> 00:13:06,411
That's different.
This is a woman.
285
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:08,621
Well, you had sex
with women in college.
286
00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:10,507
Yeah, I also did
Jell-O shots in college.
287
00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:11,999
I don't do that anymore, either.
288
00:13:12,165 --> 00:13:13,794
Well, then you might want
to have a few Jell-O shots
289
00:13:13,919 --> 00:13:15,853
before you spend the night
in that giggle box.
290
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,271
Charlie, no.
291
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:18,899
Kate, yes.
292
00:13:19,024 --> 00:13:21,986
In case you forgot,
you told me, and I quote,
293
00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:25,189
"If the situation were reversed,
I would gladly go gay.
294
00:13:25,314 --> 00:13:27,932
And let Charlie watch."
295
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,350
( scoffs )
I never said that.
296
00:13:29,516 --> 00:13:31,695
Eh, maybe it was a perfect dream,
I don't know.
297
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:33,814
Come on, Kate.
You have to do this.
298
00:13:33,939 --> 00:13:35,189
What about us working together?
299
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:38,075
Okay, fine.
I'll go out with her.
300
00:13:38,358 --> 00:13:39,420
Thank you.
301
00:13:39,545 --> 00:13:41,404
I just hope I remember
how to do this.
302
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,173
Don't worry, it's like riding a bike.
303
00:13:43,298 --> 00:13:45,926
But instead of handlebars,
there's boobs,
304
00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:48,169
and they've completely
rethought the seat.
305
00:13:53,392 --> 00:13:55,969
- Uh, hey, guys.
- You're alive.
306
00:13:56,251 --> 00:13:58,338
So I guess you just
"put the lotion in the basket"
307
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,348
and clawed your way out of the well?
308
00:14:00,672 --> 00:14:02,359
You're all wrong.
309
00:14:02,484 --> 00:14:05,863
It wasn't a cannibal,
it was just a regular woman...
310
00:14:05,988 --> 00:14:07,847
a 10-year-old woman.
311
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:11,068
- She's 10?
- Yeah, and she's mean.
312
00:14:11,193 --> 00:14:14,872
She threatened me.
She wants me to buy her all this stuff.
313
00:14:14,997 --> 00:14:17,291
She reminds me of you.
314
00:14:17,564 --> 00:14:19,460
Nolan, you're out of your league.
315
00:14:19,585 --> 00:14:20,994
I'll take care of it for you.
316
00:14:21,119 --> 00:14:23,279
I'm fluent in "little bitch."
317
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,339
Thanks. I don't know
how this happened.
318
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,419
Don't blame yourself, Nolan.
It is not your fault.
319
00:14:28,544 --> 00:14:31,095
You're just the victim
of a child predator.
320
00:14:33,882 --> 00:14:35,893
I mean, do you think I'm doing
the wrong thing here,
321
00:14:36,018 --> 00:14:38,645
asking Kate to sleep
with a lesbian for money?
322
00:14:38,770 --> 00:14:41,098
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, guys.
323
00:14:41,223 --> 00:14:42,882
Ahem.
324
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,903
Don't mind us. We're just
picking up some of Sam's stuff.
325
00:14:46,028 --> 00:14:48,846
Kate's sleeping with
a lesbian for money?
326
00:14:49,137 --> 00:14:51,408
Uh, Kate Hudson.
327
00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:54,894
She's in a new film.
We just saw the trailer.
328
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,704
"Sleeping with a Lesbian for Money."
329
00:14:57,906 --> 00:14:59,273
It's like "The Hangover."
330
00:14:59,439 --> 00:15:02,836
Yeah, but with lesbians...
331
00:15:02,961 --> 00:15:04,821
and money.
332
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,405
I wanna see that.
333
00:15:06,571 --> 00:15:07,657
You're not seeing that.
334
00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:11,410
Dad, I'm 16.
I saw "The Hangover."
335
00:15:11,576 --> 00:15:13,246
Well, that was a mistake
your mother made.
336
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,414
You took me.
337
00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:16,807
Well, she didn't stop me.
Go get your stuff.
338
00:15:20,395 --> 00:15:23,589
- So what's really going on, guys?
- ( sighs )
339
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:26,342
All right, you want the truth?
I'll tell you what's going on.
340
00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:28,896
I shouldn't be telling anybody this.
341
00:15:29,021 --> 00:15:31,138
It's one of my clients.
342
00:15:31,304 --> 00:15:34,558
She needs money and she's willing
to sleep with a woman to get it.
343
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,320
Oh.
344
00:15:36,445 --> 00:15:38,939
Personally, I think it's wrong
to sleep with someone for money.
345
00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:41,983
For dinner, yes, jewelry, sure,
346
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:44,044
a nice car, of course.
347
00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:45,486
But to do it for money...
348
00:15:45,652 --> 00:15:47,664
unless it's a lot of money
that could change
349
00:15:47,789 --> 00:15:49,757
your whole situation... is demeaning.
350
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:51,826
( phone rings )
351
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,728
Excuse me, I gotta take this.
352
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:59,309
- Hello?
- Good news, Charlie.
353
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,812
We got the grant?
Well, that was fast.
354
00:16:01,937 --> 00:16:03,971
What, did you do it right
there in the Merry Peasant?
355
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,984
No, Lisa doesn't even
make all the decisions.
356
00:16:07,109 --> 00:16:10,470
It turns out she has a boss
who has all the power, and guess what?
357
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,556
Bossy pants turns up
and is very into me.
358
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:16,610
Well, that is fantastic.
I knew I could count on you.
359
00:16:16,735 --> 00:16:18,769
So this boss, she hot?
360
00:16:18,935 --> 00:16:22,406
No, but he is very attractive.
361
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,668
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
362
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:27,153
I thought you just said "he."
363
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:30,174
So, this woman... let's use words
like that so we're very clear...
364
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:32,249
she hot?
365
00:16:32,532 --> 00:16:34,577
Charlie, it's a man.
366
00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:38,164
I'm sorry, bad connection.
Is she hot?
367
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,000
Gotta go.
Wish me luck.
368
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,677
Hello? Hello?
369
00:16:44,646 --> 00:16:46,390
Jen and Sam had to run.
370
00:16:46,515 --> 00:16:48,225
Everything all right?
371
00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:49,560
I don't know.
372
00:16:49,841 --> 00:16:54,155
Is the word "he" ever used
to describe a woman?
373
00:16:54,429 --> 00:16:56,450
Not usually.
374
00:16:56,575 --> 00:16:59,119
Except maybe one time in Vegas.
375
00:16:59,392 --> 00:17:01,228
I thought you said
that happened in New Orleans.
376
00:17:01,394 --> 00:17:03,523
Oh, fool me once, shame on me.
377
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,200
Fool me twice, I'd appreciate it if
you never bring it up again, you jerk.
378
00:17:11,388 --> 00:17:14,277
{pub}I don't believe this.
Now Kate's sleeping with some guy.
379
00:17:14,402 --> 00:17:16,035
How did this happen?
380
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,731
I know, it's crazy.
381
00:17:18,856 --> 00:17:21,183
This all started so innocently...
382
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:24,453
with you prostituting yourself
out to a woman to get the grant
383
00:17:24,578 --> 00:17:28,624
and then pushing Kate into a lesbian
relationship to get the money.
384
00:17:28,749 --> 00:17:30,743
Whoever would've thought
it would lead to something
385
00:17:30,868 --> 00:17:34,303
as unsavory as heterosexual sex?
386
00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:35,763
Are you mocking me?
387
00:17:35,929 --> 00:17:38,417
Obviously not well enough,
you had to ask.
388
00:17:38,542 --> 00:17:39,835
It's a double standard Charlie.
389
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,519
You were gonna sleep
with another woman.
390
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,222
What?
No, it's different.
391
00:17:43,347 --> 00:17:45,224
I don't have feelings for me.
392
00:17:45,349 --> 00:17:48,693
I don't get jealous of me when
other people look at me naked.
393
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,063
I think you have to face facts,
my friend.
394
00:17:51,188 --> 00:17:53,432
You and Kate are not in
a relationship right now,
395
00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:55,866
which means you can't say squat.
396
00:17:56,032 --> 00:17:58,237
You know what?
You're right.
397
00:17:58,362 --> 00:18:00,079
Everything you are saying
makes complete sense.
398
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,365
Where are you going?
399
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:04,360
I'm gonna stop her.
400
00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:05,945
Oh, and by the way...
401
00:18:06,070 --> 00:18:07,586
squat.
402
00:18:10,858 --> 00:18:12,568
Oh, good, she came.
403
00:18:12,693 --> 00:18:15,428
Satan's daughter risen
from the depths of hell.
404
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:18,090
We gotta do this quick 'cause
she's gotta be home by 8:00.
405
00:18:18,215 --> 00:18:19,625
Okay.
406
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,601
You go get yourself a yogurt
and I'll take care of it.
407
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:29,483
Now listen here, you little punk.
408
00:18:29,649 --> 00:18:30,526
Wrong girl!
409
00:18:32,897 --> 00:18:35,906
Sorry. Don't eat that,
it'll make you fat.
410
00:18:38,886 --> 00:18:41,078
Now listen here, you little punk.
411
00:18:41,244 --> 00:18:43,247
I want you to lay off
my friend Nolan.
412
00:18:43,524 --> 00:18:46,167
Oh, my God. I can't believe
he brought his maid to yell at me.
413
00:18:49,363 --> 00:18:52,131
Look, kid, you're smart.
414
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,759
You remind me of me five years ago.
415
00:18:56,737 --> 00:18:58,331
But if you don't leave
my friend alone,
416
00:18:58,456 --> 00:19:01,682
I'm going to sleep with your dad
and destroy your parents' marriage.
417
00:19:01,926 --> 00:19:04,101
It would never work.
My dad loves my mom.
418
00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:07,556
( laughs )
419
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:10,393
Sometimes daddies want a new mommy.
420
00:19:10,518 --> 00:19:13,319
A younger mommy, a hotter mommy.
421
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:16,238
And then they have new kids.
422
00:19:16,474 --> 00:19:19,185
Cuter kids, hotter kids,
423
00:19:19,310 --> 00:19:22,154
and they start calling you,
"What's her name?"
424
00:19:22,279 --> 00:19:25,658
And Christmas becomes
a buffet of lies and half-truths
425
00:19:25,783 --> 00:19:27,476
while Daddy tries to force a smile
426
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:31,504
and remember why he even
wanted you in the first place.
427
00:19:33,157 --> 00:19:35,216
- I don't believe you.
- Yes, you do.
428
00:19:35,459 --> 00:19:38,328
( whines )
Yes, I do.
429
00:19:41,298 --> 00:19:43,426
Wow, what did you say to her?
430
00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:44,993
Doesn't matter.
Now buy me a yogurt
431
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:46,803
and then you're taking me
to the Apple Store.
432
00:19:50,391 --> 00:19:53,150
Lisa, where's Kate?
433
00:19:53,316 --> 00:19:57,029
Oh, you mean Kate-the-bogus-lesbian
that you set me up with?
434
00:19:57,195 --> 00:20:00,142
( laughs, sobs )
435
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,395
( gasps )
She's not a lesbian?
436
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,614
Boy, I need to talk
to her about that.
437
00:20:05,739 --> 00:20:08,067
- Where is she?
- You just missed her.
438
00:20:08,192 --> 00:20:09,500
She just left with my boss.
439
00:20:09,810 --> 00:20:12,037
Okay, here's a weird question.
440
00:20:12,162 --> 00:20:13,420
Your boss, he's a man, right?
441
00:20:13,697 --> 00:20:15,965
What, you don't think
women can be bosses?
442
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,425
Yes, of course. A woman can
do most anything a man can do.
443
00:20:18,702 --> 00:20:21,213
- Oh, "most"? Most? Most?
- No, no, no, I didn't mean...
444
00:20:21,338 --> 00:20:22,638
It's a he.
445
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:28,477
Fine, where did he take her?
446
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:30,038
I don't know.
447
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:32,356
Someplace in his "penismobile."
448
00:20:33,717 --> 00:20:34,851
Damn it.
449
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:39,047
( phone chimes )
450
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,857
Leslie: Is it a patient?
Do you need to take that?
451
00:20:43,644 --> 00:20:46,071
No, it's just a colleague...
452
00:20:46,196 --> 00:20:49,825
who's going to be very excited
he and I get to keep working together.
453
00:20:49,950 --> 00:20:52,194
- Oh, what's his name?
- Charlie.
454
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:55,901
Oh, I know a Charlie.
455
00:20:56,393 --> 00:21:00,009
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com