1 00:00:06,112 --> 00:00:09,515 So, Ed, you seem pretty angry today. 2 00:00:09,583 --> 00:00:11,350 What the hell's up with that? 3 00:00:11,418 --> 00:00:13,953 Well, I'm angry because living with your father's 4 00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:15,955 putting me in the poorhouse. 5 00:00:16,022 --> 00:00:18,657 We pool our grocery money and he wastes it 6 00:00:18,708 --> 00:00:21,026 by buying brand-named sandwich meat 7 00:00:21,077 --> 00:00:24,029 and his two-ply, quilted toilet paper. 8 00:00:25,599 --> 00:00:27,800 Well, he always had a taste for the finer things. 9 00:00:29,970 --> 00:00:33,739 Ahh. Nectar of the gods. 10 00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:35,841 - Charlie? - Yeah. 11 00:00:35,909 --> 00:00:37,643 I know you're going through some stuff 12 00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:39,061 with what's-her-name leaving and all, 13 00:00:39,145 --> 00:00:42,648 but how long are you planning on being weird? 14 00:00:42,716 --> 00:00:46,218 You mean being a white-hot comet of awesome? 15 00:00:48,021 --> 00:00:49,939 Look, the way to resolve problems 16 00:00:50,023 --> 00:00:51,774 is to sit down and talk it out 17 00:00:51,858 --> 00:00:53,525 like reasonable adults. 18 00:00:56,363 --> 00:00:57,947 I was with this lady last night 19 00:00:58,031 --> 00:00:59,731 and we're having a disagreement 20 00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:01,617 about whether we should continue seeing each other or not. 21 00:01:01,701 --> 00:01:04,703 But we talked it out and it's over. 22 00:01:04,754 --> 00:01:06,915 ( Knocking on door ) Woman: I know you're in there! 23 00:01:08,608 --> 00:01:10,876 You can't just ignore me, Carl! 24 00:01:10,944 --> 00:01:13,379 And by the way, 25 00:01:13,446 --> 00:01:15,814 I took down your license plate. 26 00:01:15,882 --> 00:01:17,950 I know your name's Charlie! 27 00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:21,303 ( Whispering ) Another way to resolve problems 28 00:01:21,388 --> 00:01:24,440 is to be very quiet and pretend you're not home. 29 00:01:24,524 --> 00:01:27,993 Woman: I can see you, you jerk! 30 00:01:28,061 --> 00:01:31,397 Yo, Carl, I think she can see you. 31 00:01:31,464 --> 00:01:34,283 All right, looks like I have to go deal with this. 32 00:01:43,326 --> 00:01:45,544 You douche! 33 00:01:45,612 --> 00:01:47,680 So what really happened 34 00:01:47,747 --> 00:01:50,499 is you slept with some ho-bag, gave her a fake name, 35 00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:53,285 and then ran off without talking to her ever at all. 36 00:01:53,353 --> 00:01:56,188 Lacey, you know nothing of my personal life. 37 00:01:56,256 --> 00:01:57,973 Which makes the fact 38 00:01:58,058 --> 00:02:00,059 that you're absolutely right so remarkable. 39 00:02:02,128 --> 00:02:04,063 Hey, she left. 40 00:02:04,130 --> 00:02:06,849 You see, this is a potentially a very volatile situation, 41 00:02:06,933 --> 00:02:09,018 but I defused it by not engaging. 42 00:02:09,102 --> 00:02:10,822 ( Glass shatters ) ( Car alarm blaring ) 43 00:02:14,991 --> 00:02:17,026 She smashed your windshield. 44 00:02:17,110 --> 00:02:19,912 Aren't you going to do something? ( Glass shattering ) 45 00:02:19,979 --> 00:02:21,280 You know what? 46 00:02:21,331 --> 00:02:24,166 I made a mistake and I'm paying the price. 47 00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:26,585 And it doesn't look like I'm getting a discount. 48 00:02:27,525 --> 00:02:31,021 Anger Management 2x36 - Charlie and the Grad Student - Original air date September 26, 2013 49 00:02:31,047 --> 00:02:33,541 Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com 50 00:02:33,593 --> 00:02:35,377 Hey, Charlie, you got a few minutes? 51 00:02:35,462 --> 00:02:37,796 - I need your help with something. - I can't. 52 00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:40,332 An old professor of mine asked me to lecture at his class tomorrow 53 00:02:40,383 --> 00:02:42,834 and I don't know what the hell I'm going to talk about. 54 00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:44,846 Maybe you should talk about the Loch Ness Monster. 55 00:02:46,005 --> 00:02:47,523 I wish. 56 00:02:49,842 --> 00:02:51,310 It's got to be something to do with therapy. 57 00:02:51,361 --> 00:02:54,229 Oh, that sucks. 58 00:02:54,314 --> 00:02:55,697 You got a screwdriver? 59 00:02:55,782 --> 00:02:57,849 Ahem. I found a secret door 60 00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:00,152 in the basement of my new place, but it's locked. 61 00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:01,723 I'm kind of hoping it's a wine cellar. 62 00:03:01,738 --> 00:03:04,823 No, I'm pretty sure the guy next door had a sex dungeon. 63 00:03:04,874 --> 00:03:07,692 Really? Why would you say that? 64 00:03:07,744 --> 00:03:10,064 Because the sounds I heard coming out of that house at night 65 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,499 were not coming from a fine Cabernet. 66 00:03:13,566 --> 00:03:17,086 Oh, hey, did you know that somebody smashed the crap out of your windshield? 67 00:03:17,170 --> 00:03:20,055 Yeah, I spent the day running errands on my daughter's bike. 68 00:03:20,140 --> 00:03:22,091 You ever show up to a parent-teacher meeting 69 00:03:22,175 --> 00:03:24,510 on a pink Schwinn? 70 00:03:24,561 --> 00:03:26,478 There are questions. 71 00:03:28,515 --> 00:03:31,683 - Let me guess, crazy girl? - Extremely. 72 00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:33,685 God, crazy girls are the best. 73 00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:37,406 Yeah, they're wild as hell to hang out with 74 00:03:37,490 --> 00:03:39,074 and the sex is incredible. 75 00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,443 You never know what the hell is going to happen. Hmm. 76 00:03:41,528 --> 00:03:43,612 Well, that's the problem. 77 00:03:43,696 --> 00:03:45,447 I am all about fun right now, 78 00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:47,833 but I am done with the insanity. 79 00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,751 No more crazy girls. Never again. 80 00:03:49,836 --> 00:03:51,670 I get it. I know. You know what the problem is 81 00:03:51,737 --> 00:03:54,423 is that there's no real good way of ending it 82 00:03:54,507 --> 00:03:55,874 with girls like that. 83 00:03:55,925 --> 00:03:58,577 I've changed jobs and moved. 84 00:03:58,645 --> 00:04:00,963 Faked my own death and they're there. 85 00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:02,381 They're there at the funeral. 86 00:04:02,432 --> 00:04:05,934 You know, and they're not even subtle about it. 87 00:04:06,019 --> 00:04:08,387 I mean, they show up dressed like whores. 88 00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:12,941 God, I love 'em. 89 00:04:15,195 --> 00:04:17,062 I miss 'em already. 90 00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:23,068 Hey, guess who was checking me out on the stairs. 91 00:04:23,136 --> 00:04:24,970 That redhead in 1b. 92 00:04:25,038 --> 00:04:26,538 She can't keep her eyes off me. 93 00:04:26,606 --> 00:04:29,474 She's legally blind. 94 00:04:29,542 --> 00:04:31,877 Well, she can still see shapes. 95 00:04:31,945 --> 00:04:34,913 You want to explain this tube of toothpaste 96 00:04:34,981 --> 00:04:36,465 I found in the trash? 97 00:04:36,549 --> 00:04:37,782 Look here. 98 00:04:44,123 --> 00:04:46,491 This is what you threw away. 99 00:04:46,559 --> 00:04:48,310 Oh, get off my back. 100 00:04:48,394 --> 00:04:51,063 You know very well I'm doing the best I can. 101 00:04:51,130 --> 00:04:53,849 Look how much I've saved on razor blades. 102 00:04:53,933 --> 00:04:56,301 Woman: Will you two shut up? 103 00:04:56,369 --> 00:04:57,736 You're going to wake up my baby. 104 00:04:57,804 --> 00:04:59,688 It's not a real baby! 105 00:04:59,772 --> 00:05:02,474 It's a foster baby and it's seven! 106 00:05:02,542 --> 00:05:04,809 Hey! Shh. 107 00:05:04,861 --> 00:05:06,245 Keep it down. 108 00:05:06,312 --> 00:05:08,580 No. The only reason she's got that kid 109 00:05:08,648 --> 00:05:10,699 is for the fat check she scams 110 00:05:10,783 --> 00:05:13,869 - out of the government to take care of it. - Oh, come on. 111 00:05:13,953 --> 00:05:17,155 It's a good thing when the government pays people to take care of others. 112 00:05:17,223 --> 00:05:19,958 It's like when the VA sometimes hires people to take care of vets. 113 00:05:20,026 --> 00:05:21,660 What? 114 00:05:21,728 --> 00:05:23,762 Yeah, you know how they hire qualified people 115 00:05:23,829 --> 00:05:25,681 to set up little halfway houses 116 00:05:25,765 --> 00:05:27,883 so some of the vets coming home from the war 117 00:05:27,967 --> 00:05:30,835 can have a nice place to live instead of the hospital. 118 00:05:30,887 --> 00:05:34,022 What if you don't spend all the money on the vet? 119 00:05:34,107 --> 00:05:37,209 Do you get to keep the extra? 120 00:05:37,277 --> 00:05:39,361 What are you thinking, Ed? 121 00:05:39,445 --> 00:05:41,747 I'm thinking it's our patriotic duty 122 00:05:41,814 --> 00:05:43,682 to set up a halfway house. 123 00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:47,536 I mean, if Uncle Sam's going to throw money around like a drunk sailor, 124 00:05:47,620 --> 00:05:49,488 I'm going to be at the port 125 00:05:49,555 --> 00:05:51,390 with my skirt hiked up. 126 00:05:54,294 --> 00:05:56,028 So I've been up here for a while 127 00:05:56,095 --> 00:05:58,830 trying to give you guys a real speech... 128 00:05:58,881 --> 00:06:00,716 notecards and everything. 129 00:06:03,169 --> 00:06:05,070 Ahh. Screw it. 130 00:06:08,975 --> 00:06:11,059 Here's what I really think... 131 00:06:11,144 --> 00:06:13,211 My old professor told me that I would be speaking 132 00:06:13,263 --> 00:06:15,714 to the best and brightest today. 133 00:06:15,765 --> 00:06:18,817 But all I see is a bunch of arrogant little pricks 134 00:06:18,884 --> 00:06:21,903 who think they're better than the patients they're going to be helping. 135 00:06:21,988 --> 00:06:23,922 - Excuse me. Are you gonna take any... - Shut up. 136 00:06:26,726 --> 00:06:28,827 The truth is 137 00:06:28,895 --> 00:06:31,330 you are as screwed up as your patients. 138 00:06:31,397 --> 00:06:33,898 But that is the only honest way that you're going to connect to them. 139 00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,267 Look at me. 140 00:06:35,335 --> 00:06:38,704 I am an awesome, brilliant therapist. 141 00:06:38,755 --> 00:06:40,088 Why? 142 00:06:40,173 --> 00:06:42,341 I have anger issues, I drink too much, 143 00:06:42,408 --> 00:06:44,088 and there's a good chance I'm a sex addict. 144 00:06:46,796 --> 00:06:49,181 You. What's your problem? 145 00:06:49,248 --> 00:06:52,100 What is going to make you a great therapist? 146 00:06:52,185 --> 00:06:54,653 I can't use public restrooms. 147 00:06:54,721 --> 00:06:56,138 Because? 148 00:06:56,222 --> 00:06:58,323 There's ghosts in them. 149 00:06:58,391 --> 00:07:00,692 Well, duh. 150 00:07:02,061 --> 00:07:05,197 But, see, you could be the next Freud. 151 00:07:05,264 --> 00:07:07,866 So what I'm saying is you owe it to your patients 152 00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:09,568 to be balls-out crazy. 153 00:07:09,619 --> 00:07:11,703 They deserve it. 154 00:07:11,771 --> 00:07:13,238 Thank you. 155 00:07:13,289 --> 00:07:15,824 Oh, and the future is yours, blah, blah, blah. 156 00:07:15,908 --> 00:07:17,709 ( Applause ) 157 00:07:23,082 --> 00:07:25,417 - Mr. Goodson. - Oh! 158 00:07:25,468 --> 00:07:27,135 Oh, hello. 159 00:07:27,220 --> 00:07:29,421 - I scared you. - Don't worry about it. 160 00:07:29,472 --> 00:07:31,423 No, I meant to. 161 00:07:31,474 --> 00:07:33,225 I loved your lecture. 162 00:07:33,292 --> 00:07:35,143 Me, too. 163 00:07:35,228 --> 00:07:36,978 I mean, the person you're describing, 164 00:07:37,063 --> 00:07:39,348 that's me. 165 00:07:39,432 --> 00:07:42,601 I'm so screwed up. You have no idea. 166 00:07:42,668 --> 00:07:45,203 No, I have an idea. 167 00:07:45,271 --> 00:07:47,272 Is there any way 168 00:07:47,323 --> 00:07:49,941 I could sit in on your therapy group and watch you work? 169 00:07:49,992 --> 00:07:52,527 - You won't even know I'm there. - I don't know. 170 00:07:52,612 --> 00:07:55,647 - I kind of made a promise to myself. - Please. 171 00:07:55,698 --> 00:07:57,949 I want to be as good at therapy 172 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,252 as I am bad at choosing men. 173 00:08:01,821 --> 00:08:03,155 What was that promise? 174 00:08:03,222 --> 00:08:05,674 That I would say yes to more things. 175 00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:12,498 So when did you know 176 00:08:12,566 --> 00:08:14,501 you were screwed up enough to be a therapist? 177 00:08:14,568 --> 00:08:16,786 When does the sun know it's shiny enough? 178 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:19,572 When does water know it's wet enough? 179 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,508 When do I know the coffee's ready? 180 00:08:21,575 --> 00:08:22,943 Little light goes on. 181 00:08:25,263 --> 00:08:27,297 So I got the basement door open 182 00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:30,600 and you were right, it is a sex dungeon. 183 00:08:30,685 --> 00:08:33,419 I'm Sean. I have a sex dungeon. 184 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:37,257 Cool. I designed a sex dungeon for my medieval sexuality class. 185 00:08:37,325 --> 00:08:39,559 - That's a real class? - Not yet. 186 00:08:39,610 --> 00:08:41,728 Right now it's more of a club. 187 00:08:41,779 --> 00:08:43,596 Very nice. 188 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,899 You almost made it a whole day. 189 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,319 This is Ellie. She's a psych student. 190 00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:50,603 She's going to get her clinical hours with me. 191 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,272 Right. 192 00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:54,674 Would you mind putting this out on the pool table? 193 00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:56,142 Sure. 194 00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:59,462 Oh, and make sure your dungeon has plenty of shelf space. 195 00:08:59,547 --> 00:09:01,447 People always forget about the shelf space. 196 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:04,779 Yeah, you don't want whips and chains all over the floor. It makes you look sloppy. 197 00:09:07,388 --> 00:09:09,422 So you're fishing in the crazy lake again, huh? 198 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,092 What's her story? 199 00:09:12,143 --> 00:09:13,977 Her story is she's going to be mine... 200 00:09:14,061 --> 00:09:16,012 so stay away from her. The end. 201 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,265 Oh, come on. You were pretty adamant. 202 00:09:18,316 --> 00:09:20,676 I mean, are you sure that you're ready to deal with the crap 203 00:09:20,735 --> 00:09:23,016 that will go down after you hook up with a girl like that? 204 00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,373 'Cause I am. 205 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,308 Don't even think about it. 206 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:29,659 She worships me. 207 00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,279 Daddy issues. 208 00:09:32,346 --> 00:09:33,980 God, I hope so. 209 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,651 So you're a grad student at UCLA? 210 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,036 I took photography there. 211 00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,788 Oh, really? When? 212 00:09:41,839 --> 00:09:43,799 Right before they threw me out after they realized 213 00:09:43,824 --> 00:09:46,659 I hadn't applied, registered, or paid for it. 214 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:48,995 Ooh. I like that. 215 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:50,630 Why should knowledge cost money? 216 00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:52,432 I don't think anything should cost money. 217 00:09:52,499 --> 00:09:54,000 Do you know how much money people would have 218 00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:55,302 if we didn't have to buy anything? 219 00:09:55,353 --> 00:09:56,636 We'd all be rich. 220 00:09:56,687 --> 00:09:58,722 And then we could help out the poor. 221 00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:01,391 Nice. You're a socialist. 222 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,644 Actually, I'm pretty shy. 223 00:10:04,695 --> 00:10:07,147 Well, maybe I can do something about that. 224 00:10:07,198 --> 00:10:09,849 Or maybe not. ( Laughs ) 225 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,539 So I see you've met Nolan. 226 00:10:16,624 --> 00:10:19,492 He's my most difficult patient. Classic masochist. 227 00:10:19,543 --> 00:10:22,412 Oh, really? Is he seeing someone? 228 00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:26,049 No, but he's a patient. 229 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,251 We're the doctors. We're different. 230 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,776 Oh, you said in your lecture that we're all on the same level. 231 00:10:30,805 --> 00:10:32,806 It changes. 232 00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:34,941 Different, the same, it's fluid. 233 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,894 Write that down in your little notebook. 234 00:10:37,979 --> 00:10:40,046 Okay, everybody, well, Ed can't be here today 235 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:42,932 because he and my father are picking up some poor war veteran 236 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,051 who obviously hadn't suffered enough. 237 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:48,521 Oh, and this is Ellie, the grad student who is going to be observing our group. 238 00:10:48,572 --> 00:10:50,073 I'm not comfortable with this. 239 00:10:50,157 --> 00:10:52,225 When you said she was a psychology student, 240 00:10:52,293 --> 00:10:54,160 I thought she would look like a scientist, 241 00:10:54,228 --> 00:10:56,429 but she looks more like a TV scientist. 242 00:10:57,999 --> 00:11:00,066 Do you know why you're uncomfortable, Lacey? 243 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,868 Because Ellie represents the unknown. 244 00:11:01,936 --> 00:11:03,403 And the unknown can be frightening. 245 00:11:03,471 --> 00:11:05,839 Like a dark room 246 00:11:05,906 --> 00:11:08,641 or a relationship with someone you admire. 247 00:11:09,944 --> 00:11:12,145 Or a sea cave. 248 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,581 Or lusting after someone you admire. 249 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,019 Why'd you have to bring up sea caves? 250 00:11:19,086 --> 00:11:20,770 Now I won't be able to sleep. 251 00:11:20,855 --> 00:11:23,623 You know, Nolan, sea caves are symbolic 252 00:11:23,691 --> 00:11:26,026 of a strong sexual desire. 253 00:11:26,093 --> 00:11:28,261 Maybe you like someone. 254 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,598 Maybe someone would like you 255 00:11:31,665 --> 00:11:33,400 to shut your sea cave. 256 00:11:37,505 --> 00:11:40,673 After we deduct everything we're spending on this young man, 257 00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:43,293 we will receive 258 00:11:43,377 --> 00:11:45,211 a grand total... are you ready for this? 259 00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:48,048 $824 a month from the VA. 260 00:11:48,115 --> 00:11:49,849 You, sir, are a genius. 261 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,551 Hot damn. 262 00:11:51,619 --> 00:11:54,387 Do you know what this means? 263 00:11:54,455 --> 00:11:56,890 Brand-name groceries, 264 00:11:56,957 --> 00:11:58,992 wine in bottles, 265 00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,827 and movies... 266 00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:02,429 at night. 267 00:12:02,496 --> 00:12:04,264 You're thinking small, Ed. 268 00:12:04,315 --> 00:12:07,133 How 'bout a big-screen TV and two La-Z-Boys? 269 00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:10,019 Yeah, leather ones with cup holders. 270 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:12,805 Oh, here he is. 271 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,308 - Hello, soldier. - Hey, fellas. 272 00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,143 I don't want to sound like a negative Nelly, 273 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,145 but I think I'm going to need a handicap bar 274 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,381 in the tub after all. 275 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,032 When I tried to pull myself out, 276 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,753 the rope with the knots you tied to the toilet slipped right off. 277 00:12:26,821 --> 00:12:28,788 We're really sorry about that. 278 00:12:28,839 --> 00:12:30,757 We'll get you one first thing tomorrow. 279 00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:32,876 We want you to be happy here. This is your home. 280 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,829 Speaking of that. You know what else would really be helpful? 281 00:12:35,896 --> 00:12:38,698 A ramp on the outside steps. 282 00:12:38,766 --> 00:12:40,867 Oh, and I'm supposed to have a hospital bed. 283 00:12:40,935 --> 00:12:42,802 You know, one of those ones that goes up and down. 284 00:12:42,853 --> 00:12:46,706 Can't we just put some books under one end of the sofa? 285 00:12:46,774 --> 00:12:49,943 ( Laughs ) No, you can't. 286 00:12:50,010 --> 00:12:52,645 Oh, and what kind of van 287 00:12:52,713 --> 00:12:54,914 - were you planning on renting? - Van?! 288 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,617 Son, your chair has wheels. 289 00:12:57,685 --> 00:12:59,419 You're practically a van already. 290 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,688 ( Laughs ) 291 00:13:01,755 --> 00:13:04,090 You guys are killing me. 292 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,658 Like the Taliban tried to do 293 00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:08,378 when I was serving my country. 294 00:13:08,462 --> 00:13:10,597 I'm blessed to have you both in my life. 295 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,551 I'm going to go to my room. 296 00:13:14,635 --> 00:13:16,753 I don't want to cry in front of you. 297 00:13:21,642 --> 00:13:24,077 A bed? A van? 298 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,014 I'm going to my room. 299 00:13:28,065 --> 00:13:29,882 I don't want to cry in front of you, either. 300 00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:35,655 The thing is, Lacey, I am as flawed as you are, 301 00:13:35,723 --> 00:13:37,357 so I can relate to you. 302 00:13:37,408 --> 00:13:39,292 In fact, I know what you're going to say before you say it. 303 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,261 All right. Let me tell you about my dream. 304 00:13:41,328 --> 00:13:42,848 I knew you were going to say that. Go. 305 00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:47,467 Okay, I'm standing in a hallway 306 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,769 and I see this figure walking towards me, 307 00:13:49,837 --> 00:13:52,038 so I turn on a light and it was... 308 00:13:52,089 --> 00:13:53,206 Jesus? 309 00:13:54,942 --> 00:13:56,743 - My third grade teacher. - Damn it! So close. 310 00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:00,541 All right, well, we're out of time. 311 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,081 We'll continue this session next week. 312 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,971 So, Ellie. 313 00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:10,390 - Will you be coming back next week? - If Charlie will have me. 314 00:14:10,441 --> 00:14:12,992 Oh, I'm sure he will have you. 315 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,897 Hey. 316 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,618 Charlie, I have a question. 317 00:14:21,702 --> 00:14:23,870 I know Ellie is here in a professional capacity, 318 00:14:23,937 --> 00:14:26,155 but I really like her a lot. 319 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,874 Would it be okay if I asked her out? 320 00:14:27,941 --> 00:14:29,292 Absolutely not. 321 00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:30,616 Yeah, but I think she likes me. 322 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:32,328 She doesn't. 323 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,547 But I really thought I was catching a vibe. 324 00:14:34,615 --> 00:14:35,982 You weren't. 325 00:14:37,484 --> 00:14:38,835 But you're right, she's here to work. 326 00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:40,420 So she is totally off-limits. 327 00:14:40,471 --> 00:14:41,721 But she's not my therapist. 328 00:14:41,788 --> 00:14:43,289 It doesn't matter. 329 00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,924 She's on loan from the school. 330 00:14:44,975 --> 00:14:47,727 It's like checking a book out of the library. 331 00:14:47,794 --> 00:14:50,146 None of us are allowed to have sex with it. 332 00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:56,549 So you're actually breaking the boundaries 333 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,834 of traditional therapy in a lot of areas. 334 00:14:58,886 --> 00:15:01,521 Yes, yes. I am conducting a research study 335 00:15:01,605 --> 00:15:03,389 where we observe subjects having sex 336 00:15:03,474 --> 00:15:05,642 to determine how much they enjoy doing it 337 00:15:05,693 --> 00:15:07,477 in a noncommitted relationship. 338 00:15:07,528 --> 00:15:09,646 And the answer we're getting is... 339 00:15:09,697 --> 00:15:11,781 a lot. 340 00:15:11,848 --> 00:15:14,317 Hey, Brett, beer me. 341 00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:15,869 You got it, darlin'. 342 00:15:17,404 --> 00:15:19,038 Oh, look. It's Charlie and Ellie. 343 00:15:19,123 --> 00:15:21,124 Man, they're still working after hours. 344 00:15:21,192 --> 00:15:23,076 He's going to be a great mentor. 345 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,912 - They're on a date, honey. - What? 346 00:15:25,996 --> 00:15:27,996 She's off limits. How do you know they're on a date? 347 00:15:27,998 --> 00:15:29,549 Because he ordered champagne. 348 00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:31,467 That's what he does when he's on a date. 349 00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:33,920 And I bring it over to him and then I slip in a little compliment. 350 00:15:34,004 --> 00:15:35,338 Son of a bitch. 351 00:15:35,389 --> 00:15:37,423 He lied to me. 352 00:15:37,508 --> 00:15:40,093 He's going to have sex with my library book. 353 00:15:40,177 --> 00:15:42,378 Here's your champagne, Charlie. 354 00:15:42,429 --> 00:15:46,099 And good news, tonight it's on the house for everybody with no STDs. 355 00:15:46,183 --> 00:15:47,600 ( Whispers ) You're welcome. 356 00:15:51,922 --> 00:15:54,524 - We didn't build the ramp high enough. - Well, it'll have to do. 357 00:15:54,575 --> 00:15:55,936 I'm not going to go tear more wood 358 00:15:55,943 --> 00:15:57,794 off that old abandoned house on the corner. 359 00:15:57,861 --> 00:16:00,463 It's not abandoned. An old deaf lady lives there. 360 00:16:00,531 --> 00:16:02,832 Well, I knocked on the door and she wasn't home. 361 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,585 Meals for a guy on wheels. 362 00:16:05,669 --> 00:16:07,587 - Hey, there you are. - Hi. 363 00:16:07,671 --> 00:16:10,673 We spent all day yesterday cooking meals for your guest. 364 00:16:10,741 --> 00:16:13,293 There should be enough here to last at least two weeks. 365 00:16:13,377 --> 00:16:16,095 Is he here? I've never met a real war veteran. 366 00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:18,080 Hey, young lady, what about us? 367 00:16:18,132 --> 00:16:20,683 No, I mean, from a Jake Gyllenhaal war. 368 00:16:20,751 --> 00:16:22,084 Not a Tom Hanks war. 369 00:16:23,587 --> 00:16:25,254 Hey, guys, good news. 370 00:16:25,306 --> 00:16:27,923 The VA check to cover my expenses just came. 371 00:16:27,975 --> 00:16:30,495 The mailman gave it to me after he helped carry me up the steps. 372 00:16:32,196 --> 00:16:33,563 Ladies. 373 00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:39,652 You guys are taking money from the VA? 374 00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:42,938 I thought you were paying for everything with your social security checks. 375 00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:44,741 Well, it's pretty damn close. 376 00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:47,210 I mean, we're barely turning a profit on this deal. 377 00:16:47,278 --> 00:16:50,179 - Ed. - A profit?! 378 00:16:50,247 --> 00:16:52,282 Look, we're just trying to be patriotic. 379 00:16:52,349 --> 00:16:55,635 I mean, you know, one of the advantages 380 00:16:55,719 --> 00:16:58,954 of being patriotic these days is that sometimes you get paid for it. 381 00:16:59,023 --> 00:17:02,091 You two are vets and you're scamming the government?! 382 00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,477 I don't want to see either of you guys for a while. 383 00:17:04,561 --> 00:17:06,229 But I do want my Tupperware back 384 00:17:06,296 --> 00:17:08,464 so I'm conflicted. 385 00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:10,016 Let's go, Sam. 386 00:17:12,269 --> 00:17:13,836 I feel terrible. 387 00:17:13,904 --> 00:17:16,072 That we're not making more money on this deal? 388 00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:18,441 Yeah, I know what you mean. 389 00:17:18,509 --> 00:17:21,177 If we're going to do this thing, we need to do it right. 390 00:17:21,245 --> 00:17:24,147 We just don't have enough of those guys living here to make it cost-effective. 391 00:17:24,214 --> 00:17:26,115 We need more volume. 392 00:17:31,455 --> 00:17:33,022 Where's the shower? 393 00:17:33,090 --> 00:17:35,658 You're in line for it. 394 00:17:35,726 --> 00:17:37,377 I have to go to the bathroom. 395 00:17:37,461 --> 00:17:39,328 Same line. 396 00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:45,435 You know, a lot of people say I'm too honest. 397 00:17:45,502 --> 00:17:47,220 But you got to tell people the truth. 398 00:17:47,304 --> 00:17:49,439 Trust me, they respect you for it. 399 00:17:49,506 --> 00:17:51,474 So I want to thank you for having me back, 400 00:17:51,525 --> 00:17:53,509 you arrogant little pricks. 401 00:17:54,712 --> 00:17:56,212 Mr. Goodson. 402 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,182 Nolan? What are you doing here? 403 00:17:59,249 --> 00:18:00,817 I have a question. 404 00:18:00,884 --> 00:18:02,218 You're a douchebag. 405 00:18:04,021 --> 00:18:05,888 I have a follow-up question. 406 00:18:05,956 --> 00:18:07,623 Screw you! 407 00:18:07,691 --> 00:18:10,827 Okay, Nolan, I think I know what this is about. 408 00:18:10,878 --> 00:18:13,546 Yeah, and I want the whole world to hear how you lied to me. 409 00:18:15,031 --> 00:18:17,266 He told me that nobody from our group 410 00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:18,918 could date that girl right there. 411 00:18:19,002 --> 00:18:21,254 Hey, Ellie. 412 00:18:21,338 --> 00:18:23,673 Because it was unethical. 413 00:18:23,724 --> 00:18:25,892 And then he went out with her himself. 414 00:18:25,976 --> 00:18:28,043 - Students: Ooh! - Yeah. 415 00:18:28,095 --> 00:18:29,545 You told him that? 416 00:18:29,613 --> 00:18:31,564 Yes. 417 00:18:31,648 --> 00:18:33,433 And you want to know why? 418 00:18:33,517 --> 00:18:35,902 Why, you ask? You going to ask me why? 419 00:18:37,388 --> 00:18:39,355 Well, then ask... oh, I know! 420 00:18:41,291 --> 00:18:43,860 To teach this emotionally repressed 421 00:18:43,927 --> 00:18:46,279 and deeply passive young man to stand up for himself. 422 00:18:46,363 --> 00:18:48,531 And obviously, my methods are working. 423 00:18:48,599 --> 00:18:50,333 You lying, stupid jerk. 424 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,118 Well done. Thank you. 425 00:18:54,588 --> 00:18:56,071 No, no, no. Don't clap. 426 00:18:56,123 --> 00:18:57,757 He's making the whole thing up. 427 00:18:57,841 --> 00:18:59,842 He's a terrible, terrible person. 428 00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:01,961 There you go. Let it all out. ( Applause continues ) 429 00:19:02,045 --> 00:19:03,463 Thank you. Thank you. 430 00:19:03,547 --> 00:19:05,247 Damn it! 431 00:19:05,299 --> 00:19:07,800 I hope that you roast in 432 00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,802 the fires of eternal hell 433 00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:11,938 and that your hair catches fire, but only half of it burns 434 00:19:12,022 --> 00:19:14,023 so you look ridiculous. 435 00:19:17,144 --> 00:19:19,362 ( Cheering ) 436 00:19:19,429 --> 00:19:21,114 Thank you. 437 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,531 - Nolan, wait. - Great lecture, man. 438 00:19:27,616 --> 00:19:30,067 - Yeah, nobody likes a suck-up. - You're a jerk. 439 00:19:30,152 --> 00:19:32,019 Nobody likes a guy who turns on a dime. 440 00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,955 Nolan, come on. 441 00:19:35,023 --> 00:19:37,357 I'm not going to forgive you and don't make a scene. 442 00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,210 I'm thinking about sneaking into more classes here. 443 00:19:39,294 --> 00:19:42,296 I heard they got a course on medieval sexuality. 444 00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:45,032 Nolan, Nolan, Nolan, look, look, look. 445 00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,884 I screwed up, but she's not interested in me. 446 00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,202 She likes you. She told me. 447 00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:50,004 - Really? - Yes. 448 00:19:50,072 --> 00:19:51,872 Now take that attitude you had in there and go get her. 449 00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:53,340 I don't know. 450 00:19:53,408 --> 00:19:55,810 Nolan, just now in class, you showed a lot of balls. 451 00:19:55,877 --> 00:19:57,261 Sorry. 452 00:19:57,345 --> 00:20:00,281 I like to rest my feet on the chair in front of me. 453 00:20:00,348 --> 00:20:03,284 Nolan, she's right there and you've got a scooter. 454 00:20:03,351 --> 00:20:05,192 Unless she starts running, you've got a chance. 455 00:20:09,407 --> 00:20:11,442 So where's Dr. Slut? 456 00:20:11,526 --> 00:20:13,494 She won't be joining us anymore. 457 00:20:13,561 --> 00:20:15,729 Oh, that's too bad. I really liked her. 458 00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:21,085 Sorry I'm late. Someone stole my scooter. 459 00:20:21,169 --> 00:20:23,070 Then why are you wearing your helmet? 460 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:25,473 Because they didn't steal my helmet. 461 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,076 It was a great end to a great day. 462 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:32,463 Ellie and I are over. 463 00:20:32,547 --> 00:20:34,548 Wait, you went out with Dr. Slut? 464 00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:36,016 I hate that bitch. 465 00:20:36,084 --> 00:20:37,968 Lacey, don't call her a bitch. 466 00:20:40,255 --> 00:20:42,106 So what happened with Dr. Slut? 467 00:20:42,190 --> 00:20:44,975 I really liked her, but when she found out I had weed, 468 00:20:45,060 --> 00:20:48,362 that's all she wanted to do. She was like a weed fiend. 469 00:20:48,429 --> 00:20:50,509 Finally, I had to tell her I couldn't see her anymore. 470 00:20:50,532 --> 00:20:53,117 I'm proud of you, Nolan. 471 00:20:53,201 --> 00:20:54,785 So how was the sex? 472 00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:56,653 Crazy. 473 00:20:57,505 --> 00:21:00,293 Let me guess, after you broke up with her she came over screaming, 474 00:21:00,318 --> 00:21:02,318 - pounding on your door? - No. 475 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:05,776 - She smashed your car windshield? - No. 476 00:21:06,082 --> 00:21:08,668 Well... she's crazy, she must have done something. 477 00:21:08,693 --> 00:21:11,859 She gave me a fruit basket and wished me well. 478 00:21:11,946 --> 00:21:13,946 I knew it. 479 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,171 Crazy as the day is long. 480 00:21:16,346 --> 00:21:26,346 Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com