1
00:00:00,641 --> 00:00:03,609
Patrick... what's going on with you?
You seem stressed out.
2
00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:05,995
Why should I be? I paid for my classes
3
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,498
and my books and my Adderall
and now I'm broke.
4
00:00:08,582 --> 00:00:10,249
I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my apartment.
5
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,951
You should up your Adderall.
6
00:00:12,002 --> 00:00:14,470
That way you won't need
a place to sleep.
7
00:00:14,555 --> 00:00:17,890
Sometimes I wonder
if I was born under a bad sign.
8
00:00:17,958 --> 00:00:19,392
When I was nine years old...
9
00:00:19,459 --> 00:00:21,010
My life is over!
10
00:00:21,095 --> 00:00:22,228
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong, Lace?
11
00:00:22,295 --> 00:00:23,763
Sure, give Lacey the stage.
12
00:00:23,814 --> 00:00:26,182
Who cares what happened to me
when I was nine years old?
13
00:00:26,266 --> 00:00:27,967
Shut up, Patrick. We've all heard it.
14
00:00:28,018 --> 00:00:29,352
You got strep throat, you lost
the lead in the school play
15
00:00:29,436 --> 00:00:31,737
and your understudy,
Ryan Gosling, went on to glory.
16
00:00:31,805 --> 00:00:33,639
I'm sure he's not
still upset about that.
17
00:00:33,690 --> 00:00:35,608
It could have been me!
18
00:00:35,659 --> 00:00:37,527
I'm sure that's about something else.
19
00:00:37,611 --> 00:00:40,113
I don't care. My parents cut me off.
20
00:00:40,164 --> 00:00:42,648
You mean, in an oxcart?
21
00:00:44,201 --> 00:00:47,170
They're... they're Indian.
22
00:00:47,254 --> 00:00:48,788
Ed, I've never done this before,
23
00:00:48,839 --> 00:00:50,680
but I am going to put you
in a racist time-out.
24
00:00:52,259 --> 00:00:54,510
What do I do?
Just sit here and do nothing?
25
00:00:54,595 --> 00:00:58,014
In other words, a Mexican workday?
26
00:00:58,098 --> 00:01:00,516
Of course that works for any
of you darker skinned people.
27
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:02,435
Ah!
28
00:01:02,502 --> 00:01:05,104
The Chair recognizes
the childish tantrum.
29
00:01:05,172 --> 00:01:06,973
Thank you.
30
00:01:07,024 --> 00:01:08,941
I just got fired
and now my parents think
31
00:01:09,009 --> 00:01:11,227
I'm a screwup and cut off my trust fund.
32
00:01:11,311 --> 00:01:13,396
- You got fired?
- I thought you were doing so well.
33
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:16,732
This doctor on my sales route
wouldn't stop trying to grope me.
34
00:01:16,817 --> 00:01:18,367
I understand.
35
00:01:18,452 --> 00:01:20,820
Continue.
36
00:01:20,871 --> 00:01:23,039
So, I did what you always say, Charlie.
37
00:01:23,123 --> 00:01:26,075
I removed myself from the
situation and left the building.
38
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,077
So then why would they fire you?
You did the right thing.
39
00:01:28,162 --> 00:01:31,547
Maybe because when he came out, I
hit him in the neck with a brick.
40
00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:35,501
I know. How proud are you of me?
41
00:01:35,552 --> 00:01:38,754
I counted to 10 and everything.
42
00:01:38,839 --> 00:01:41,224
The counting to 10 is not
supposed to be a countdown
43
00:01:41,308 --> 00:01:42,975
to hitting a guy with a brick.
44
00:01:43,043 --> 00:01:45,511
I gotta start writing this stuff down.
45
00:01:45,562 --> 00:01:48,681
You keep changing it.
46
00:01:48,732 --> 00:01:50,850
You can't pay your rent
without your trust fund.
47
00:01:50,901 --> 00:01:53,436
But you're welcome
to crash at Chez Nolan.
48
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,488
One bed, no waiting.
49
00:01:55,555 --> 00:01:58,241
My neighbor's still in jail,
so it's super quiet.
50
00:01:59,576 --> 00:02:02,361
Charlie, you've gotta
talk to my parents.
51
00:02:02,412 --> 00:02:04,447
They're coming over
to dinner tomorrow night.
52
00:02:04,531 --> 00:02:06,651
You have to tell them that
this wasn't totally my fault
53
00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,234
and I'm doing better
54
00:02:08,285 --> 00:02:10,703
so they'll keep giving me money. Please.
55
00:02:10,754 --> 00:02:13,506
I don't know, Lace. It sounds like
it's between you and your parents.
56
00:02:13,573 --> 00:02:16,375
If you do go,
be sure and eat beforehand.
57
00:02:16,426 --> 00:02:18,928
These dotheads don't know
the difference between food...
58
00:02:19,012 --> 00:02:21,380
- Two more minutes, Ed.
- ...and dirt.
59
00:02:21,431 --> 00:02:23,582
Sorry.
60
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:26,634
Anger Management 2x42
- Charlie Helps Lacey Stay Rich -
Original air date November 14, 2013
61
00:02:26,659 --> 00:02:28,659
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
62
00:02:28,686 --> 00:02:30,388
You did not run over a squirrel.
63
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,358
Yes, I did. I killed a squirrel.
64
00:02:32,425 --> 00:02:33,893
Dad, will you please go out there
65
00:02:33,944 --> 00:02:35,394
and see if there's a dead squirrel?
66
00:02:35,445 --> 00:02:37,863
Sweetie, this is clearly about your OCD
67
00:02:37,931 --> 00:02:39,765
and I don't want
to reinforce the ritual.
68
00:02:39,816 --> 00:02:41,567
You probably just hit a pothole.
69
00:02:41,618 --> 00:02:43,069
They're everywhere.
70
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,487
Tons of potholes.
71
00:02:44,571 --> 00:02:46,405
Maybe you're right.
72
00:02:46,456 --> 00:02:49,292
Maybe I'm just nervous because
I'm learning to drive.
73
00:02:49,376 --> 00:02:52,378
It was probably just a pothole.
74
00:02:52,445 --> 00:02:54,914
That was no pothole, Charlie.
75
00:02:54,965 --> 00:02:56,582
So she hit a squirrel?
76
00:02:56,633 --> 00:02:58,634
Hit it? She flattened the thing.
77
00:02:58,719 --> 00:03:02,138
It was like something out of a Wile E.
Coyote cartoon.
78
00:03:02,222 --> 00:03:05,925
We stay with the pothole story
until the day we die.
79
00:03:05,976 --> 00:03:09,145
It now joins we didn't
have sex till we were 18
80
00:03:09,229 --> 00:03:12,231
and Sam was not an accident.
81
00:03:12,299 --> 00:03:15,234
You're really gonna have
dinner with Lacey's parents
82
00:03:15,302 --> 00:03:17,019
just to prove she's getting better?
83
00:03:17,104 --> 00:03:19,772
Yes, Michael, because I care.
84
00:03:19,823 --> 00:03:22,241
Wish I cared that much about my clients.
85
00:03:22,309 --> 00:03:25,161
After I sell them the house and
my check clears, I'm done caring.
86
00:03:25,245 --> 00:03:26,779
Like I always say,
87
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,480
let the buyer beware.
88
00:03:28,532 --> 00:03:30,750
Yeah, of you.
89
00:03:32,169 --> 00:03:34,370
Hey, guys, quick. Turn on the TV.
Channel six.
90
00:03:34,454 --> 00:03:35,988
What's going on?
91
00:03:36,039 --> 00:03:37,590
We just had the best day.
92
00:03:37,657 --> 00:03:40,459
Yeah, we were at the zoo standing
in front of the monkey pit...
93
00:03:40,510 --> 00:03:41,961
- Monkey house.
- Whatever.
94
00:03:42,012 --> 00:03:43,846
And we saw this six-year-old girl
95
00:03:43,930 --> 00:03:46,599
fall in with all those monkeys.
96
00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:49,352
This was your best day?
97
00:03:49,436 --> 00:03:52,521
Man, the war really changed
you guys, didn't it?
98
00:03:52,606 --> 00:03:55,341
No, no, that wasn't the best part.
The kid was fine.
99
00:03:55,392 --> 00:03:57,352
But you'll never guess
who's gonna be on the news.
100
00:03:57,361 --> 00:03:58,527
The monkeys?
101
00:03:58,612 --> 00:04:00,479
- Us.
- You were close.
102
00:04:00,530 --> 00:04:02,698
Hey, look, there we are.
103
00:04:02,783 --> 00:04:06,352
Well, we came to the zoo 'cause
it's half-price senior day.
104
00:04:06,403 --> 00:04:08,520
And we were standing
in front of the monkey pit.
105
00:04:08,572 --> 00:04:10,539
- Monkey house.
- Whatever.
106
00:04:10,624 --> 00:04:12,458
Well, all of a sudden,
this one yells out,
107
00:04:12,525 --> 00:04:14,577
"Hey, look at, that monkey
is wearing clothes."
108
00:04:14,661 --> 00:04:16,421
I said, "That ain't no monkey.
That's a kid."
109
00:04:16,496 --> 00:04:19,332
Well, I'm a veteran, so I
jumped into action right away.
110
00:04:19,383 --> 00:04:22,635
I grabbed my peanuts and started throwing
'em at the monkeys as a diversion.
111
00:04:22,702 --> 00:04:24,023
Yeah, and while he was doing that,
112
00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:25,921
I went and got some more ammo
from the churro cart.
113
00:04:26,006 --> 00:04:28,758
Bottom line, we kept the monkeys busy.
114
00:04:28,842 --> 00:04:30,376
Security got the kid out.
115
00:04:30,427 --> 00:04:32,228
I ain't never seen anything like it.
116
00:04:37,984 --> 00:04:40,936
- This man's a hero.
- Ah, hell, we're both heroes.
117
00:04:41,021 --> 00:04:43,555
That's why they call us
the greatest generation.
118
00:04:43,607 --> 00:04:46,025
I... I think that's
the generation before you.
119
00:04:46,076 --> 00:04:48,911
They're all dead,
so we get to move up one.
120
00:04:50,997 --> 00:04:53,582
Therapy is a process, but I am impressed
with your daughter's improvement.
121
00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:56,902
Well, now you can imagine
what we've been through.
122
00:04:56,953 --> 00:04:59,422
Pardon my language, but
this spoiled little bitch
123
00:04:59,506 --> 00:05:01,290
has been impossible to deal with.
124
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:03,342
I'm sorry, isn't that a little harsh?
125
00:05:03,410 --> 00:05:07,413
You're right. The spoiled little
bitch is challenging to deal with.
126
00:05:08,682 --> 00:05:11,634
Impossible is a demeaning word.
127
00:05:11,718 --> 00:05:15,754
Mater, Pater, I made it
just the way you like it.
128
00:05:21,812 --> 00:05:25,314
And for dinner, I made
your favorite chicken.
129
00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:28,767
Of course you have. I threatened
to take away your trust fund
130
00:05:28,819 --> 00:05:30,536
and now you're trying to butter me up.
131
00:05:30,603 --> 00:05:34,407
So, how am I doing?
132
00:05:34,458 --> 00:05:36,942
Well, at least you're dressing
more like a respectable girl.
133
00:05:36,993 --> 00:05:39,945
Can you honestly tell me
as her therapist
134
00:05:39,996 --> 00:05:41,997
that this is how she dresses every day?
135
00:05:42,082 --> 00:05:45,217
Well, Lacey has many outfits.
136
00:05:45,285 --> 00:05:47,953
I think she's wearing
about four of them right now.
137
00:05:48,004 --> 00:05:50,806
However, as her therapist,
I can tell you for a fact
138
00:05:50,891 --> 00:05:53,259
that Lacey has developed
a much healthier self-image.
139
00:05:53,310 --> 00:05:55,895
I'm wearing panties now.
140
00:05:57,764 --> 00:05:59,231
You see? There you go.
141
00:05:59,299 --> 00:06:01,300
And getting there wasn't easy.
142
00:06:02,569 --> 00:06:04,770
But Lacey is stronger, more mature
143
00:06:04,821 --> 00:06:07,273
and more responsible than ever before.
144
00:06:07,324 --> 00:06:09,825
I see. And do you believe
that she can sustain
145
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,144
a long-term relationship with a man?
146
00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:14,697
Oh, absolutely. I think Lacey
has all the tools she needs
147
00:06:14,781 --> 00:06:16,749
to be in a healthy, loving relationship.
148
00:06:16,816 --> 00:06:18,167
She's ready.
149
00:06:18,251 --> 00:06:20,486
Cool, I'm ready.
150
00:06:20,537 --> 00:06:22,755
What am I ready for?
151
00:06:22,822 --> 00:06:24,957
Next month, you'll move
to India and get married.
152
00:06:25,008 --> 00:06:27,960
India? Married?
153
00:06:28,011 --> 00:06:29,762
( Timer dings )
154
00:06:29,829 --> 00:06:31,847
I know you're going
through a lot right now,
155
00:06:31,932 --> 00:06:33,212
but I think the chicken's ready.
156
00:06:33,266 --> 00:06:34,717
( Gasps )
157
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,888
If I can interject, I think an arranged
marriage for Lacey is a very bad idea.
158
00:06:41,973 --> 00:06:45,425
We've had an understanding
for years with the Kumar family
159
00:06:45,510 --> 00:06:47,978
that she will marry their son, Mahesh.
160
00:06:48,045 --> 00:06:50,013
Mahesh, Mahesh, the ton of flesh?
161
00:06:51,732 --> 00:06:53,383
I haven't seen him since he was 12.
162
00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:54,734
How fat is he now?
163
00:06:54,819 --> 00:06:56,736
You can't be so choosy.
164
00:06:56,821 --> 00:06:59,356
You grew up so shamefully,
we nearly had to cancel it.
165
00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:00,690
And be happy.
166
00:07:00,741 --> 00:07:03,226
He's a very successful
businessman in Mumbai.
167
00:07:03,277 --> 00:07:06,997
- And his mother says he'll get
the lap band. - Ew!
168
00:07:07,064 --> 00:07:10,617
So my option is to either live here broke
169
00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:13,954
or marry a fat rich man and
live in a place that I hate?
170
00:07:14,038 --> 00:07:18,625
See, we're enlightened parents.
We're giving you choices.
171
00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:20,927
I can't marry Mahesh.
172
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:22,462
Why not?
173
00:07:22,547 --> 00:07:24,264
Because she's already
in a serious relationship.
174
00:07:24,348 --> 00:07:25,682
You are?
175
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:29,219
Uh, yeah, totally.
176
00:07:29,270 --> 00:07:30,437
And why didn't you tell us?
177
00:07:32,089 --> 00:07:34,641
Because... you know the Indian tradition
178
00:07:34,725 --> 00:07:37,260
when you tell your parents
about a new relationship,
179
00:07:37,311 --> 00:07:39,596
you're supposed to shower them
with extravagant gifts first,
180
00:07:39,647 --> 00:07:41,698
which now you're not gonna get
181
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,099
because Charlie blew it.
182
00:07:43,150 --> 00:07:44,818
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
183
00:07:44,902 --> 00:07:47,821
Now you might as well just
tell them the whole thing.
184
00:07:51,158 --> 00:07:54,794
Well, first of all,
pardon my cultural ignorance.
185
00:07:54,879 --> 00:07:57,831
Not necessary.
There is no such tradition.
186
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,635
Why don't you, her esteemed mentor,
187
00:08:01,719 --> 00:08:03,286
who is teaching her right from wrong,
188
00:08:03,337 --> 00:08:04,888
tell us the truth?
189
00:08:04,955 --> 00:08:06,956
- Okay...
- That he's white.
190
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:10,560
Yes. Yes. Yes. He's white.
191
00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:12,929
Like snow.
192
00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:15,599
A handsome professional.
Not too old, not too young.
193
00:08:15,650 --> 00:08:17,817
And just the right height.
194
00:08:17,902 --> 00:08:20,737
How do you know? Have you met him?
195
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,772
Met him? He's the one who introduced us.
196
00:08:22,823 --> 00:08:24,307
Thank you, Charlie.
197
00:08:24,358 --> 00:08:26,409
You're welcome.
198
00:08:26,477 --> 00:08:28,778
So, how long has she been
seeing this boy?
199
00:08:28,829 --> 00:08:30,864
- Six months.
- Five weeks.
200
00:08:30,948 --> 00:08:32,999
Six months and five weeks...
201
00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:35,869
which some people call
seven months and a week.
202
00:08:35,953 --> 00:08:38,488
- Mm-hmm.
Mother: - Seven months?
203
00:08:38,539 --> 00:08:42,092
You've never been in a relationship
for seven months before.
204
00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:43,493
Well,
205
00:08:43,544 --> 00:08:45,295
I do love him so
206
00:08:45,346 --> 00:08:49,382
and he's such a handsome
and professional man.
207
00:08:49,467 --> 00:08:52,435
And just the right height.
208
00:08:53,721 --> 00:08:56,523
And for a white guy, so industrious.
209
00:08:56,607 --> 00:08:58,608
Then we will meet with him.
210
00:08:58,676 --> 00:09:01,945
Oh, no, no. You can't meet with him
because according to Indian tradition...
211
00:09:02,012 --> 00:09:03,897
Jup. Tomorrow.
212
00:09:03,981 --> 00:09:07,367
And if we don't approve, you
will marry that giant Kumar boy.
213
00:09:12,957 --> 00:09:14,074
- Hey, Brett.
- Brett.
214
00:09:14,158 --> 00:09:15,525
Hey, guys.
215
00:09:15,576 --> 00:09:17,527
Look who's here, everybody.
216
00:09:17,578 --> 00:09:20,714
( Cheering )
217
00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:23,750
Whoo.
218
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:27,837
I guess they saw the news, huh?
219
00:09:27,888 --> 00:09:29,973
No, your video went viral.
220
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,041
Video? What video?
221
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:34,377
You're on YouTube. You are famous.
222
00:09:34,428 --> 00:09:36,879
What?
223
00:09:36,931 --> 00:09:38,481
( Music playing )
( Auto-tuned ) ♪ We came to the zoo
224
00:09:38,549 --> 00:09:40,316
♪ We were standing
in front of the monkey pit ♪
225
00:09:40,384 --> 00:09:43,386
♪ Hey, look, that monkey's
wearing clothes ♪
226
00:09:43,437 --> 00:09:45,855
♪ Hey, that ain't no monkey... ♪
227
00:10:07,795 --> 00:10:10,597
Who wants to buy these guys
a couple of steaks?
228
00:10:10,681 --> 00:10:12,465
( Cheering )
229
00:10:12,550 --> 00:10:15,018
Hey, we can make this work for us.
230
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:17,554
Bring us a couple of New York strips.
231
00:10:17,605 --> 00:10:19,222
Filet mignon.
232
00:10:19,273 --> 00:10:21,524
- New York strip.
- Filet mignon.
233
00:10:21,592 --> 00:10:23,860
- New York strip.
- Let's save it for the sequel.
234
00:10:26,447 --> 00:10:28,064
You didn't hit a squirrel.
235
00:10:28,115 --> 00:10:30,066
It was a pothole, just like last time.
236
00:10:30,117 --> 00:10:31,868
It wasn't a pothole. It was a squirrel.
237
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,936
I heard the thump.
238
00:10:33,988 --> 00:10:37,457
Where are you guys driving?
Snow White's backyard?
239
00:10:37,541 --> 00:10:41,211
Just for argument's sake, say you
did hit a squirrel last week.
240
00:10:41,278 --> 00:10:43,713
What are the odds that
that would happen again?
241
00:10:43,781 --> 00:10:46,115
Yeah, I know.
242
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,468
I'm just being stupid.
243
00:10:51,422 --> 00:10:54,507
She mowed down another one.
244
00:10:54,592 --> 00:10:58,294
She's like James Bond, except
with a learner's permit to kill.
245
00:10:58,345 --> 00:11:00,013
It wasn't totally her fault.
246
00:11:00,097 --> 00:11:02,182
The thing ran right out in front of us.
247
00:11:02,266 --> 00:11:04,133
I think it smelled its wife on my tires.
248
00:11:06,403 --> 00:11:07,637
I've got nothing, Charlie.
249
00:11:07,688 --> 00:11:09,472
I can't find one guy.
250
00:11:09,523 --> 00:11:11,191
Are you telling me
you don't know anybody
251
00:11:11,275 --> 00:11:12,575
that can have dinner with your parents
252
00:11:12,643 --> 00:11:14,110
and pretend to be your
boyfriend for one night?
253
00:11:14,161 --> 00:11:15,745
I've only dated, like, five white guys
254
00:11:15,813 --> 00:11:18,281
and two of them were
light-skinned Mexicans.
255
00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:19,816
What about the other three?
256
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:23,620
Jailed, shot him in the balls,
light-skinned black dude.
257
00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:27,156
So, the line of white guy
258
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,375
moves around for you a little bit, huh?
259
00:11:29,460 --> 00:11:31,511
Well, what are you gonna do?
What's your plan?
260
00:11:31,595 --> 00:11:33,046
My plan?
261
00:11:33,130 --> 00:11:37,300
My plan is to spritz a little
water on these muffins,
262
00:11:37,351 --> 00:11:40,002
take 'em to the next room
and pass 'em off as fresh.
263
00:11:41,839 --> 00:11:44,224
That's my plan.
264
00:11:44,308 --> 00:11:45,475
What's your plan?
265
00:11:45,526 --> 00:11:47,727
My plan was to ask you your plan.
266
00:11:47,812 --> 00:11:50,313
That was my plan.
267
00:11:50,364 --> 00:11:53,449
Lacey, as your therapist, I'm already
breaking rules left and right.
268
00:11:53,517 --> 00:11:54,984
I never should have had
dinner with your family.
269
00:11:55,035 --> 00:11:57,153
I never should have lied
to cover your butt.
270
00:11:57,204 --> 00:12:01,291
And now... now I'm trying to pass
off stale muffins as fresh.
271
00:12:01,358 --> 00:12:03,543
Who have I become?
272
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:05,628
Well, this is jacked up.
273
00:12:05,696 --> 00:12:08,248
I went along with your lie
and now I'm screwed.
274
00:12:08,332 --> 00:12:10,700
If my parents show up at my house
and I don't have a boyfriend,
275
00:12:10,751 --> 00:12:12,368
then I'm a liar.
276
00:12:12,419 --> 00:12:14,087
This is all your fault.
277
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:16,172
Maybe I should just tell them the truth.
278
00:12:16,223 --> 00:12:19,309
If you tell them the truth, then I'm
going to lose my trust fund allowance.
279
00:12:19,376 --> 00:12:21,311
Well, at least you won't
have to move to India.
280
00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:22,979
And maybe it's not
the worst plan in the world
281
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,397
to start behaving like
a responsible adult.
282
00:12:24,481 --> 00:12:27,483
I can't live without shoes.
283
00:12:27,551 --> 00:12:32,155
Are you talking about losing your
trust fund or living in India?
284
00:12:32,222 --> 00:12:35,191
What about Nolan?
285
00:12:35,242 --> 00:12:37,560
Nolan could never pull this off.
286
00:12:37,611 --> 00:12:39,913
And it's not fair to ask him
to be your fiancé for one night,
287
00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:42,866
then go back to being
your emotional doormat.
288
00:12:42,917 --> 00:12:45,702
I'll do it!
289
00:12:45,753 --> 00:12:47,513
You don't even know
what we're talking about.
290
00:12:47,571 --> 00:12:51,257
If that stopped him,
he'd never do anything.
291
00:12:51,342 --> 00:12:54,878
Well, that was my last idea.
What the hell are we gonna do?
292
00:12:54,929 --> 00:12:57,263
Every time I go out with friends,
293
00:12:57,348 --> 00:12:59,716
the waiter always brings me the check.
294
00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,467
Why does everyone think I'm rich?
295
00:13:01,552 --> 00:13:05,138
Is it my style? My obvious intelligence?
296
00:13:05,222 --> 00:13:08,423
The clever way I complain about people
thinking I'm rich when you know I love it?
297
00:13:13,147 --> 00:13:15,031
Patrick,
298
00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:16,265
are you free for dinner tonight?
299
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:19,035
Sure,
300
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:21,487
even though this seems like a trap.
301
00:13:21,572 --> 00:13:23,539
But if you expect me to pay,
you should know
302
00:13:23,607 --> 00:13:25,942
everything I'm wearing
belongs to an old boyfriend.
303
00:13:25,993 --> 00:13:28,661
That's right, I'm gay.
304
00:13:31,942 --> 00:13:34,607
So, you want me to sit through
305
00:13:34,677 --> 00:13:36,511
this dysfunctional family dinner,
306
00:13:36,578 --> 00:13:41,082
lie to Lacey's scary father and then...
307
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:42,950
pretend to be in love with her?
308
00:13:43,002 --> 00:13:44,969
It would be a big help to Lacey.
309
00:13:45,054 --> 00:13:46,554
That's the part I don't like.
310
00:13:46,621 --> 00:13:48,956
Please, Patrick.
311
00:13:49,008 --> 00:13:51,726
If you don't do this,
I'll be shipped off to India.
312
00:13:51,793 --> 00:13:53,311
You're not helping your case.
313
00:13:55,314 --> 00:13:57,098
Patrick, buddy.
314
00:13:57,149 --> 00:13:59,150
Buddy?
315
00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:02,353
Sorry, I was trying something.
316
00:14:02,438 --> 00:14:05,189
Look, if you're not willing to
pretend to be something you're not
317
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:07,025
to help someone you don't
even really care about,
318
00:14:07,109 --> 00:14:09,410
then what's the point of therapy?
319
00:14:09,478 --> 00:14:12,697
Okay, this whole thing is insane.
320
00:14:12,781 --> 00:14:15,583
Why is everyone scrambling to help
the girl with the trust fund?
321
00:14:15,650 --> 00:14:17,285
I am the one who needs help.
322
00:14:17,336 --> 00:14:19,337
I can't even pay my rent. I'm not rich.
323
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:21,322
I just dress this way.
324
00:14:23,158 --> 00:14:25,176
I'll give you a thousand
dollars if you do it.
325
00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:27,128
- Two thousand.
- Greedy bastard.
326
00:14:27,179 --> 00:14:28,963
You're really gonna
enjoy riding elephants.
327
00:14:29,014 --> 00:14:32,266
Fine, bitch. Hope you choke on it.
328
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,936
I cannot tell you two how proud I am,
329
00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:38,773
because honestly, I thought it was
gonna take, like, five grand.
330
00:14:42,945 --> 00:14:44,896
Hey, hey, hey, everybody. We're back.
331
00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:48,349
The monkey pit guys
from the World Wide Web.
332
00:14:49,851 --> 00:14:51,903
Anybody wanna buy us a steak?
333
00:14:51,987 --> 00:14:53,287
Or a drink?
334
00:14:57,826 --> 00:14:59,410
Sorry, guys.
335
00:14:59,495 --> 00:15:03,164
I guess your few hours of
Internet celebrity have passed.
336
00:15:03,215 --> 00:15:05,666
Everybody's moved on.
They're watching a new video.
337
00:15:05,718 --> 00:15:08,753
It's a fat kid getting
pushed down an escalator.
338
00:15:08,837 --> 00:15:11,389
Ah, it doesn't matter.
We're gonna be rich.
339
00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:12,757
How do you figure?
340
00:15:12,841 --> 00:15:16,227
Our video got four million views.
341
00:15:16,311 --> 00:15:18,896
So even if they only
paid us a dollar per view,
342
00:15:18,981 --> 00:15:20,782
as soon as we get our check
from the Internet,
343
00:15:20,849 --> 00:15:22,817
we'll have enough dough
to buy this whole joint.
344
00:15:22,884 --> 00:15:24,718
That how it works?
345
00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:26,104
Of course it does.
346
00:15:26,188 --> 00:15:28,439
You don't think they show
that stuff for free?
347
00:15:28,524 --> 00:15:30,024
Oh!
348
00:15:30,075 --> 00:15:32,910
Everybody, the steaks are on us!
349
00:15:32,995 --> 00:15:36,247
( Cheering )
350
00:15:36,331 --> 00:15:39,951
So, Daddy, Patrick and I actually
met in Charlie's therapy group.
351
00:15:40,035 --> 00:15:41,919
Oh, you don't say.
352
00:15:42,004 --> 00:15:44,288
So, who did you shoot in the balls?
353
00:15:44,373 --> 00:15:48,409
It's not a strictly ball-shooting group.
354
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:50,178
Although it does improve
your chances of getting in.
355
00:15:50,245 --> 00:15:51,679
( Laughing )
356
00:15:51,746 --> 00:15:53,881
( Laughing )
357
00:15:53,932 --> 00:15:55,767
My man.
358
00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:02,023
Actually, Patrick's problem stemmed from
359
00:16:02,090 --> 00:16:04,725
issues he has as a
professional successful man
360
00:16:04,777 --> 00:16:06,477
with many female pursuers.
361
00:16:06,562 --> 00:16:08,729
Not anymore.
362
00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:10,948
So, Patrick, tell me.
363
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:14,435
What is it that you find so
attractive about my daughter?
364
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:17,938
Oh, so many things.
365
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:20,458
She's glamorous, she accessorizes well,
366
00:16:20,542 --> 00:16:24,579
and she can go day to night
like nobody's business.
367
00:16:24,630 --> 00:16:28,499
And he loves that... that she enjoys
sports just as much as he does.
368
00:16:28,584 --> 00:16:30,451
Baseball, basketball, football.
369
00:16:30,502 --> 00:16:31,902
This guy loves anything with balls.
370
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:37,124
And hockey.
371
00:16:37,176 --> 00:16:39,417
So what part of the fashion
business are you in, Patrick?
372
00:16:39,461 --> 00:16:41,012
Design.
373
00:16:41,096 --> 00:16:44,649
Someday I hope to have my very
own line of women's clothing.
374
00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:47,568
Patrick says I'm his muse.
375
00:16:47,636 --> 00:16:50,321
Yes. When I look at her I think,
376
00:16:50,405 --> 00:16:51,989
"How can I cover this up?"
377
00:16:53,992 --> 00:16:56,494
Well, good luck with that.
378
00:16:56,578 --> 00:17:00,031
I've been fighting a losing
battle ever since she was 15.
379
00:17:00,115 --> 00:17:01,982
( Laughing )
380
00:17:07,339 --> 00:17:09,156
I like you, Patrick.
381
00:17:09,208 --> 00:17:12,210
I can see why Lacey is so fond of you.
382
00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:16,097
I really am so very, very fond.
383
00:17:16,164 --> 00:17:19,500
Well, I'd like to propose a toast.
384
00:17:20,886 --> 00:17:22,670
For many years,
385
00:17:22,721 --> 00:17:25,857
Lacey has given me
nothing but heartache.
386
00:17:25,941 --> 00:17:29,694
She was stubborn, she was rude,
she was disrespectful.
387
00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:31,362
She dressed like a prostitute.
388
00:17:31,446 --> 00:17:34,782
She bit our mailman in the leg.
389
00:17:34,849 --> 00:17:37,201
Boy, I hope there's a "but" coming.
390
00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:41,322
But now I see her
391
00:17:41,373 --> 00:17:44,575
blossoming into a wonderful
wife and mother.
392
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:47,861
In fact, I would like to give
this relationship my blessing.
393
00:17:47,913 --> 00:17:50,164
Lacey, Patrick,
394
00:17:50,215 --> 00:17:53,251
if you do get married,
on the day of your wedding,
395
00:17:53,335 --> 00:17:56,137
as an expression
of my faith in your union,
396
00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:59,707
I will give you $1 million.
397
00:18:06,899 --> 00:18:09,433
- Lacey, I know this is sudden...
- Yes, Patrick, yes!
398
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,025
Thank you, Charlie.
399
00:18:18,076 --> 00:18:22,396
I'm shocked to see that my daughter
is finally getting married.
400
00:18:22,447 --> 00:18:24,582
Well, just think how surprised
his family's gonna be.
401
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,650
Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy. Thank you.
402
00:18:31,717 --> 00:18:33,151
Thanks, Mom.
403
00:18:33,219 --> 00:18:35,887
Thanks, Dad.
404
00:18:38,274 --> 00:18:40,909
( Screams )
405
00:18:40,993 --> 00:18:42,227
Are you two crazy?
406
00:18:42,278 --> 00:18:43,862
Yeah, crazy in love...
407
00:18:43,913 --> 00:18:47,065
With a million bucks.
408
00:18:47,116 --> 00:18:50,202
Can you imagine what we can
do with all that money?
409
00:18:50,253 --> 00:18:51,787
I know, baby.
410
00:18:51,871 --> 00:18:56,675
We'll buy a silver BMW with black
leather seats and a sunroof.
411
00:18:56,742 --> 00:18:58,862
It's not a convertible?
You know I want a convertible.
412
00:18:58,878 --> 00:19:02,714
Why does it always
have to be what you want?
413
00:19:02,765 --> 00:19:05,434
Oh, my God, we already sound
like a married couple.
414
00:19:05,518 --> 00:19:08,386
Both: Ah!
415
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:11,440
You guys can't do this. Patrick,
you're not marrying Lacey.
416
00:19:11,524 --> 00:19:13,692
So typical.
417
00:19:13,759 --> 00:19:15,861
The straight, middle-aged white guy
418
00:19:15,928 --> 00:19:18,897
telling the gay man
he can't get married.
419
00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:20,265
This is not about being gay.
420
00:19:20,316 --> 00:19:21,817
This is about tricking her parents.
421
00:19:21,901 --> 00:19:24,402
Charlie, you started this.
422
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:27,405
Yeah, but you took my shameless lie
and turned it into something ugly.
423
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:30,492
Charlie, be cool
424
00:19:30,576 --> 00:19:33,628
and don't get in the way.
425
00:19:33,713 --> 00:19:35,947
How would you like
426
00:19:35,998 --> 00:19:39,084
a Chevy Malibu?
427
00:19:39,135 --> 00:19:42,053
You think you can make all this
okay by buying me a Chevy Malibu?
428
00:19:42,121 --> 00:19:44,455
No. I'm giving you my old one.
429
00:19:44,507 --> 00:19:47,592
I'm getting a BMW and so is my wife.
430
00:19:47,643 --> 00:19:50,428
- We're getting...
- Both: BMWs!
431
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,764
Yeah.
( Knocks on door )
432
00:19:56,853 --> 00:19:58,937
Mom, you forgot something?
433
00:19:58,988 --> 00:20:01,606
I just want to talk to
Charlie really quickly.
434
00:20:01,657 --> 00:20:04,776
Sanjay and I want to do something
special for the matchmaker.
435
00:20:04,827 --> 00:20:06,444
So, go, scoot, scoot.
436
00:20:06,496 --> 00:20:07,913
Okay.
437
00:20:14,987 --> 00:20:16,671
I can't put my finger on it,
438
00:20:16,756 --> 00:20:19,207
but something about this whole
arrangement doesn't add up.
439
00:20:19,292 --> 00:20:21,293
Mira, I think this is one of those times
440
00:20:21,344 --> 00:20:23,828
where you just can't
worry about the traffic.
441
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,849
You just gotta close your
eyes and cross the street.
442
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:31,720
If anything goes wrong,
I'm holding you responsible.
443
00:20:31,804 --> 00:20:34,940
I will call my friends at the
American Psychological Association
444
00:20:35,007 --> 00:20:39,027
and you'll be lucky if you get a job
cleaning bedpans at a mental institution.
445
00:20:39,111 --> 00:20:41,112
Hey, I cannot control what happens
between two young people...
446
00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:42,614
Institution!
447
00:20:42,681 --> 00:20:44,849
Institution.
448
00:20:50,790 --> 00:20:52,624
Hey, sweetie.
449
00:20:59,048 --> 00:21:01,199
Bird.
450
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:03,051
Bus pass?
451
00:21:03,135 --> 00:21:05,470
I'm already on it.
452
00:21:08,341 --> 00:21:10,725
Oh, I think there's a dead bird
on the grill of your...
453
00:21:10,810 --> 00:21:12,644
Already on it.
454
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:21,856
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com