1
00:00:00,125 --> 00:00:02,335
( Laughing )
Sorry we're late.
2
00:00:02,398 --> 00:00:04,499
Uh, late? We're done.
3
00:00:04,566 --> 00:00:07,035
We were out doing rich person things.
4
00:00:07,086 --> 00:00:11,456
Let me guess... one of those
things was buying dumb-ass hats.
5
00:00:11,540 --> 00:00:14,259
Don't be silly. We're not gonna
waste the millions of dollars
6
00:00:14,343 --> 00:00:17,379
my parents are giving us after
we get married on hats.
7
00:00:17,430 --> 00:00:21,016
Yeah, we got one free with every
thousand-dollar purchase of scarves.
8
00:00:21,083 --> 00:00:24,519
Plus, I got this stupid
fun phone cover, look.
9
00:00:24,586 --> 00:00:26,587
The monkey's beret matches my hat.
10
00:00:26,639 --> 00:00:29,090
( Laughs )
11
00:00:29,141 --> 00:00:31,393
You're spending money you don't have.
12
00:00:31,444 --> 00:00:33,945
Lacey's parents are gonna find out
this whole wedding thing is a scam
13
00:00:34,030 --> 00:00:35,363
and you're not gonna get a penny.
14
00:00:35,431 --> 00:00:37,432
You seem grumpy.
15
00:00:37,483 --> 00:00:39,600
You know what you need?
16
00:00:39,652 --> 00:00:41,436
A hat.
17
00:00:41,487 --> 00:00:43,738
I don't need a hat.
18
00:00:43,789 --> 00:00:46,574
I need a sanity stick so I can give
you both a smack upside the head.
19
00:00:46,625 --> 00:00:47,792
Give me the hat.
20
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,546
We're not gonna get caught.
21
00:00:51,613 --> 00:00:52,998
We're too smart.
22
00:00:53,082 --> 00:00:55,967
Plus, Lacey is living with me now
23
00:00:56,052 --> 00:00:58,336
so we look more like
a real engaged couple.
24
00:00:58,421 --> 00:01:00,181
Yeah, but he's kicking
me out for the weekend
25
00:01:00,256 --> 00:01:02,307
so he can spend time
with his new boyfriend.
26
00:01:02,391 --> 00:01:05,260
Worst fiancé ever.
27
00:01:05,311 --> 00:01:08,146
I'm sorry, Andy's upset that
I haven't invited him over.
28
00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:11,066
I think he's starting to
think I'm hiding something.
29
00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:15,303
Besides, I want our first time
together to be in my bed.
30
00:01:16,655 --> 00:01:18,490
You're right... worst fiancé ever.
31
00:01:19,808 --> 00:01:21,309
All right, thanks, everybody.
32
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,611
See you next Thursday.
33
00:01:23,662 --> 00:01:25,080
Once again, Lacey and Patrick,
34
00:01:25,147 --> 00:01:27,365
huge mistake with the money.
35
00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:29,810
But if you have a scarf that
matches this hat, I'll take it.
36
00:01:32,204 --> 00:01:34,155
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
37
00:01:34,206 --> 00:01:36,341
You got anything going on? A buddy of mine
opened up one of those naked sushi places
38
00:01:36,425 --> 00:01:39,294
where you eat the raw fish
off the naked lady.
39
00:01:39,345 --> 00:01:41,679
Wow, that sounds cool. Where is it?
40
00:01:41,764 --> 00:01:43,831
Oh, he opened up in that tattoo shop,
41
00:01:43,883 --> 00:01:45,444
the one that got closed down for hep C.
42
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,270
You know, I think I'll pass...
43
00:01:49,338 --> 00:01:51,973
but if you can find a pizza
place in an old animal shelter,
44
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,141
I'd be down with that.
45
00:01:54,527 --> 00:01:56,277
Charlie, you'll never guess
46
00:01:56,345 --> 00:01:58,346
who I ran into at the Safeway today.
47
00:01:58,397 --> 00:02:00,231
You look so fantastic.
48
00:02:00,316 --> 00:02:02,867
Jump up your own ass and die.
49
00:02:02,952 --> 00:02:06,287
So, I'm at the Safeway.
I go to the checkout counter.
50
00:02:06,355 --> 00:02:09,707
Who's the cashier? Mandy Chisholm.
51
00:02:09,792 --> 00:02:11,493
From high school? What the
hell is she doing out here?
52
00:02:11,544 --> 00:02:14,712
I don't know. Maybe Ohio
passed a no skank law
53
00:02:14,797 --> 00:02:18,133
and they relocated her to Los Angeles.
54
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,834
She's not a skank just
because I had sex with her
55
00:02:19,885 --> 00:02:21,419
before I had sex with you.
56
00:02:21,504 --> 00:02:22,637
I don't know what's going on here,
57
00:02:22,704 --> 00:02:24,872
but I am totally on Jen's side.
58
00:02:24,924 --> 00:02:26,541
I politely asked you to die.
59
00:02:26,592 --> 00:02:27,875
You haven't died yet.
60
00:02:29,261 --> 00:02:31,012
Mandy Chisholm is a skank
61
00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:32,931
because I told her I liked you,
62
00:02:33,015 --> 00:02:34,849
then she went out and slept with you.
63
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,884
That's when I gave her the nickname
64
00:02:36,936 --> 00:02:38,987
Mandy "No Panties" Chisholm.
65
00:02:40,606 --> 00:02:43,408
So you went Mandy "No Panties,"
66
00:02:43,492 --> 00:02:48,163
and you did absolutely
nothing with Chisholm?
67
00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:49,581
No, why?
68
00:02:49,665 --> 00:02:52,250
Oh, ew.
69
00:02:52,334 --> 00:02:54,285
Jen, Jen, Jen, you gotta get over it.
70
00:02:54,370 --> 00:02:56,171
Besides, you already got your revenge.
71
00:02:56,238 --> 00:02:59,340
She burned "Mandy Chisholm is a whore"
72
00:02:59,408 --> 00:03:01,793
in giant letters on the
football field with kerosene
73
00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:03,261
right before Homecoming.
74
00:03:03,345 --> 00:03:05,096
- Sweet.
- Oh, it was a great game.
75
00:03:05,181 --> 00:03:06,548
We kicked the winning field goal
76
00:03:06,599 --> 00:03:10,135
from the "whore-yard" line.
77
00:03:10,219 --> 00:03:11,936
She stole your virginity from me.
78
00:03:12,021 --> 00:03:14,189
We were supposed to lose ours together.
79
00:03:14,256 --> 00:03:16,441
You're right. She did a terrible thing.
80
00:03:16,525 --> 00:03:17,925
How'd she look?
81
00:03:17,977 --> 00:03:20,111
Don't you dare, Charlie.
82
00:03:20,196 --> 00:03:21,946
You promised me in 11th grade
83
00:03:22,031 --> 00:03:23,531
you'd never speak to her again.
84
00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:25,900
- And I won't.
- Good.
85
00:03:27,153 --> 00:03:29,821
( Door opens, closes )
86
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:31,206
So, we gonna go check this chick out
87
00:03:31,273 --> 00:03:32,790
and see if she's still hot or what?
88
00:03:32,875 --> 00:03:35,326
Oh, come on, dude. I gotta
show Jen some respect.
89
00:03:37,379 --> 00:03:39,543
Let's wait till
she's out of the driveway.
90
00:03:39,592 --> 00:03:43,592
Anger Management 2x43
- Charlie Loses His Virginity Again -
Original air date November 21, 2013
91
00:03:43,617 --> 00:03:45,253
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
92
00:03:45,254 --> 00:03:46,671
Which one is she?
93
00:03:46,755 --> 00:03:48,223
That's her right there.
94
00:03:49,475 --> 00:03:52,460
That... wow. Dude, she's hot, man.
95
00:03:52,511 --> 00:03:54,179
Are you sure that you don't
want to talk to her?
96
00:03:54,263 --> 00:03:56,347
Well, of course I do, but I
promised Jen I wouldn't.
97
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,735
Mandy, look, Charlie Goodson.
98
00:04:00,802 --> 00:04:03,238
I didn't promise Jen anything.
99
00:04:03,305 --> 00:04:04,322
Charlie?
100
00:04:04,406 --> 00:04:05,823
( Chuckles )
You son of a bitch.
101
00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:11,996
- Mandy, is that you?
- Oh, my God, wow. You look great.
102
00:04:12,081 --> 00:04:13,981
- Thank you. So do you.
- Thank you.
103
00:04:14,033 --> 00:04:16,817
This used to be my buddy, Sean.
104
00:04:16,869 --> 00:04:19,621
It's so weird because I just
saw your wife yesterday.
105
00:04:19,672 --> 00:04:21,456
Oh, really? But she didn't say anything.
106
00:04:21,507 --> 00:04:23,658
- Hmm.
- And, by the way, she's my ex-wife.
107
00:04:23,709 --> 00:04:26,794
Oh, good 'cause she was a bitch.
108
00:04:26,845 --> 00:04:28,796
So you were Charlie's first?
109
00:04:28,847 --> 00:04:30,998
- Charlie.
- I didn't say a word.
110
00:04:31,050 --> 00:04:33,268
He must have just guessed right.
Good guess, Sean.
111
00:04:33,335 --> 00:04:35,470
( Clears throat )
No, no, no, it's okay.
112
00:04:35,521 --> 00:04:38,690
I... I... I love that you
consider me your first.
113
00:04:38,774 --> 00:04:42,009
That's really sweet.
114
00:04:42,061 --> 00:04:45,230
I mean, yeah, I'm pretty
sure that counted.
115
00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:51,452
( Stutters )
You're pretty sure?
116
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,488
Why wouldn't it have counted?
117
00:04:53,539 --> 00:04:56,791
Well, you know... I mean, it was fun.
118
00:04:56,858 --> 00:04:58,793
It was just a little, you know, fast.
119
00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:03,214
A little fast?
120
00:05:03,299 --> 00:05:05,166
It was not fast.
121
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:08,035
I mean, it wasn't any marathon,
but it wasn't a 20-yard dash.
122
00:05:08,087 --> 00:05:11,372
All I remember is that the gun
went off and it was over.
123
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:15,059
( Sighs )
That's rough.
124
00:05:17,429 --> 00:05:20,181
With all due respect, I think
you're remembering it wrong.
125
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,482
And I don't think you should've slept
126
00:05:21,550 --> 00:05:23,318
with the girl who timed the track team.
127
00:05:23,385 --> 00:05:26,571
( Sighs ) Brutal stuff.
( Chuckles )
128
00:05:26,655 --> 00:05:30,024
Uh, listen, I... yes, I should
probably get back to work.
129
00:05:30,075 --> 00:05:31,326
It was really great seeing you.
130
00:05:31,393 --> 00:05:33,227
Oh, yeah, this was awesome.
131
00:05:37,309 --> 00:05:41,274
All right, guys, today I'd
like to talk about regrets.
132
00:05:41,337 --> 00:05:42,670
Anybody here ever done something
133
00:05:42,738 --> 00:05:45,573
they wish they could
go back in time and correct?
134
00:05:45,624 --> 00:05:47,592
No, Charlie.
135
00:05:47,676 --> 00:05:49,627
We all think it worked out for the best.
136
00:05:52,381 --> 00:05:54,382
I'd like to go back to Monday.
137
00:05:54,433 --> 00:05:56,801
This guy stole my lavender body wash
138
00:05:56,886 --> 00:05:58,720
and I was beating his head
against the shower tiles
139
00:05:58,771 --> 00:06:01,856
and I said, "DeAndre,
if you yell for the guards",
140
00:06:01,924 --> 00:06:04,309
I'm gonna kill you."
141
00:06:04,393 --> 00:06:07,362
Well, it turns out his name was LeAndre.
142
00:06:07,429 --> 00:06:09,230
Boy, do I regret that.
143
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:11,232
So embarrassing.
144
00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:13,100
Well, if it's any consolation,
145
00:06:13,152 --> 00:06:16,487
I'm sure he'll get over that very
small part of what happened.
146
00:06:18,574 --> 00:06:21,609
Well, a shower beatdown wasn't
exactly where I was headed.
147
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:23,620
Let me give you a little
example from my own life.
148
00:06:24,797 --> 00:06:26,497
Back in high school, I knew this girl,
149
00:06:26,582 --> 00:06:30,785
and I really liked her and I wanted
to bake her an amazing cake.
150
00:06:30,836 --> 00:06:33,588
But it came out of the oven too soon
151
00:06:33,639 --> 00:06:36,290
and frosting went everywhere.
152
00:06:41,981 --> 00:06:43,932
Ah, I get it.
153
00:06:43,983 --> 00:06:45,567
First time you had sex?
154
00:06:45,634 --> 00:06:48,302
You were a two-pump chump.
155
00:06:48,354 --> 00:06:50,154
Look, I know it's just ego,
156
00:06:50,239 --> 00:06:51,806
but it kills me to know
that there's someone out there
157
00:06:51,857 --> 00:06:53,658
that thinks I'm lousy in the sack.
158
00:06:53,742 --> 00:06:55,410
So what's the problem?
159
00:06:55,477 --> 00:06:59,146
Have sex with that cake again
and show her who's boss.
160
00:06:59,198 --> 00:07:00,949
The problem is, my ex-wife
really hates that cake,
161
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,084
and if she finds out,
she'd never speak to me again.
162
00:07:03,151 --> 00:07:05,036
Cleo: You need to take the risk, Charlie.
163
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,288
Otherwise you'll be kicking yourself
in that sweet little ass of yours
164
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:09,791
for the rest of your life.
165
00:07:09,842 --> 00:07:11,209
You're right, you're right.
166
00:07:11,293 --> 00:07:13,962
It is the one blemish
in an otherwise... ahem...
167
00:07:14,013 --> 00:07:16,264
perfect record.
168
00:07:16,331 --> 00:07:18,800
Don't worry about your ex-wife, Charlie.
169
00:07:18,851 --> 00:07:22,186
I did a lot of things
my ex-wife didn't want me to do,
170
00:07:22,271 --> 00:07:23,721
including killing my ex-wife.
171
00:07:25,858 --> 00:07:27,775
I hate having to leave.
172
00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:30,144
I don't know why you can't just
tell Andy about our arrangement.
173
00:07:30,195 --> 00:07:32,697
Because what you and I are
doing is completely immoral
174
00:07:32,781 --> 00:07:35,283
and Andy has something called integrity.
175
00:07:35,350 --> 00:07:38,119
I can't believe you're attracted
to someone like that.
176
00:07:38,186 --> 00:07:40,405
I know, right?
( Knock on door )
177
00:07:42,324 --> 00:07:44,542
Oh, my God. It's your parents.
178
00:07:44,627 --> 00:07:46,911
- What are they doing here?
- I don't know. We're screwed.
179
00:07:46,996 --> 00:07:49,330
What are we gonna do? We're
supposed to be living together.
180
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,633
Wait.
181
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,167
We are.
182
00:07:53,218 --> 00:07:54,836
Oh.
183
00:07:54,887 --> 00:07:56,137
Then open the door.
184
00:08:02,044 --> 00:08:04,045
- Surprise!
- Hi!
185
00:08:04,096 --> 00:08:05,930
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
186
00:08:06,015 --> 00:08:08,816
I think this is your first
time in Patrick's apartment,
187
00:08:08,884 --> 00:08:12,437
where we live as an engaged couple.
188
00:08:12,521 --> 00:08:15,356
Hey, Mom, Dad.
189
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,941
After the wedding.
190
00:08:18,494 --> 00:08:20,862
We're sorry to just
drop in on you, darling,
191
00:08:20,913 --> 00:08:22,396
but your father had
a business meeting here
192
00:08:22,448 --> 00:08:24,415
and it's such a long drive
back to San Diego.
193
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,233
Do you mind if we spend the night?
194
00:08:26,285 --> 00:08:28,086
Oh, no problem.
195
00:08:28,170 --> 00:08:29,771
Do you need me to make you reservations?
196
00:08:29,838 --> 00:08:32,957
Any hotel. Where would you like to go?
Far away?
197
00:08:33,042 --> 00:08:36,627
We wouldn't think of staying
anywhere but with you.
198
00:08:38,097 --> 00:08:40,581
And we wouldn't think of it either.
199
00:08:40,632 --> 00:08:43,685
You've been so generous to us,
we'd love to return the favor.
200
00:08:43,752 --> 00:08:47,305
- Right, Patrick?
- Sure, we would.
201
00:08:47,389 --> 00:08:49,807
I just have to call my associate
202
00:08:49,892 --> 00:08:52,226
and cancel my business for this evening.
203
00:08:52,277 --> 00:08:54,479
I was hoping to close the deal tonight,
204
00:08:54,563 --> 00:08:57,431
but I guess that can wait.
205
00:08:57,483 --> 00:08:59,534
I'm sure it can.
206
00:08:59,601 --> 00:09:02,103
Now would you please show my
father to the guest room?
207
00:09:02,154 --> 00:09:03,905
Don't mind all of my stuff.
208
00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:06,207
I like to use it like a closet.
209
00:09:06,274 --> 00:09:08,076
( Laughs )
You'd think she sleeps in there.
210
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:11,779
I'm sorry about this, Lacey,
211
00:09:11,830 --> 00:09:14,716
but it was your father's
idea to check up on you.
212
00:09:14,783 --> 00:09:16,951
He's worried that you
might be marrying Patrick
213
00:09:17,002 --> 00:09:18,586
just for our money.
214
00:09:18,637 --> 00:09:20,221
Money? What money?
215
00:09:20,288 --> 00:09:23,257
I don't even know what
money you're talking about.
216
00:09:23,308 --> 00:09:27,261
- The million-dollar gift.
- Oh, the million dollars.
217
00:09:27,312 --> 00:09:30,398
That's right. I completely
forgot about that.
218
00:09:30,465 --> 00:09:34,602
It's so unnecessary, but we'll take it.
219
00:09:34,653 --> 00:09:36,854
Lacey, my darling.
220
00:09:36,939 --> 00:09:38,773
Wonderful news from your father.
221
00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:40,158
It's not just one night.
222
00:09:40,242 --> 00:09:43,528
They're staying at least
a couple of nights.
223
00:09:43,612 --> 00:09:46,330
Our blessings have doubled.
224
00:09:46,415 --> 00:09:49,500
So much so that I think we
should celebrate with wine.
225
00:09:49,585 --> 00:09:51,252
Who likes wine? Just me? Okay, then.
226
00:09:54,456 --> 00:09:57,258
And that girl said it was the
best sex she'd ever had.
227
00:09:57,325 --> 00:09:59,961
Not just on a train, but anywhere.
228
00:10:00,012 --> 00:10:02,296
That's great.
229
00:10:02,347 --> 00:10:04,715
But I asked you where you live.
230
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,350
- You didn't let me finish.
- Mm.
231
00:10:06,435 --> 00:10:08,803
Then I invited her to have sex for hours
232
00:10:08,854 --> 00:10:10,671
at my ranch-style house in the Valley,
233
00:10:10,722 --> 00:10:12,723
which is where I live.
234
00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:15,643
Charlie, you've done nothing
235
00:10:15,694 --> 00:10:18,112
but talk about your sexual
prowess since we got here.
236
00:10:18,180 --> 00:10:19,513
That's not true.
237
00:10:19,565 --> 00:10:21,149
I told you I have a beautiful
daughter named Sam.
238
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,068
Who you conceived during
a marathon slam session.
239
00:10:24,153 --> 00:10:26,854
It was. I mean, it really was.
240
00:10:26,905 --> 00:10:29,073
Sorry about the wait.
241
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:31,358
Calzone takes a long time.
242
00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:32,960
Just like Charlie here.
243
00:10:34,963 --> 00:10:37,415
You call that being subtle?
244
00:10:37,499 --> 00:10:40,551
Sorry, just coming up with
that one took me two hours.
245
00:10:40,636 --> 00:10:43,221
Speaking of two hours, Charlie here...
246
00:10:43,305 --> 00:10:44,722
Thank you, Brett. You can go now.
247
00:10:47,843 --> 00:10:49,477
Okay, look. It just bothers
me that you're out there
248
00:10:49,544 --> 00:10:52,346
thinking that I'm Speedy
Gonzales or Quick Draw McGraw
249
00:10:52,397 --> 00:10:55,516
or any cartoon character
who ejaculates prematurely.
250
00:10:57,736 --> 00:10:59,987
So, what, do you want to have sex again
251
00:11:00,055 --> 00:11:01,575
so you can feel better about yourself?
252
00:11:01,657 --> 00:11:05,109
Yes, thank you. You got it.
253
00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:06,874
It only took me two hours
to get you there,
254
00:11:06,912 --> 00:11:08,779
which is a time frame I am
completely comfortable with...
255
00:11:08,864 --> 00:11:10,031
Uh...
256
00:11:10,082 --> 00:11:11,082
- enough.
- Sorry.
257
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:12,667
I'll do it.
258
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,619
I... I'm sorry, what?
259
00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:16,287
I'm still pretty easy.
260
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:17,538
Well, this is great.
261
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,707
But you have to do something for me.
262
00:11:19,758 --> 00:11:22,293
Oh, I'll do it all
for you all night long.
263
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,712
I want an apology from Jen
264
00:11:24,763 --> 00:11:26,580
for that little stunt
on the football field.
265
00:11:26,632 --> 00:11:28,516
Oh, come on. Nobody remembers that.
266
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:32,019
Everyone called me a whore
at our 20th reunion.
267
00:11:32,087 --> 00:11:35,089
Well, you just said yourself you're easy.
268
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,526
I get an apology, you get your do-over.
269
00:11:38,593 --> 00:11:40,695
Okay, fine. You got it.
270
00:11:40,762 --> 00:11:42,596
Just don't be this bossy in bed.
271
00:11:42,648 --> 00:11:44,598
It gets me a little too excited.
272
00:11:47,650 --> 00:11:49,701
Oh, come on, Jen. It's
just one little apology.
273
00:11:49,748 --> 00:11:52,865
No way. I can't believe you
went down there and saw her.
274
00:11:52,925 --> 00:11:55,861
Jen, Jen, this woman has
moved all over the country
275
00:11:55,928 --> 00:11:58,447
looking for a shred of happiness,
276
00:11:58,531 --> 00:12:00,098
and I believe, as a therapist,
277
00:12:00,150 --> 00:12:03,786
that her problem can be solved
by you saying two little words.
278
00:12:03,870 --> 00:12:05,704
Oh, I've got two little words for her.
279
00:12:05,771 --> 00:12:08,874
( Sighs )
Not those words.
280
00:12:08,941 --> 00:12:11,043
Just say, "I'm sorry."
281
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:14,663
Why do you care so much
about this grocery sto' ho?
282
00:12:14,747 --> 00:12:17,132
Because I'm a therapist.
283
00:12:17,217 --> 00:12:19,468
A fireman can't drive past a fire.
284
00:12:19,552 --> 00:12:21,804
A doctor can't drive past a car wreck.
285
00:12:21,888 --> 00:12:23,722
Well, I can't drive past
286
00:12:23,789 --> 00:12:27,009
a sad grocery store ho.
287
00:12:27,093 --> 00:12:28,793
Fine.
288
00:12:28,845 --> 00:12:31,129
Thank you.
289
00:12:31,181 --> 00:12:34,966
If you fill Sean's car with manure.
290
00:12:35,018 --> 00:12:37,603
You've got to be kidding me.
291
00:12:37,654 --> 00:12:40,739
Poo? Caca? Doo-doo?
292
00:12:42,275 --> 00:12:44,993
That guy cheated on me,
then he lied about it.
293
00:12:45,078 --> 00:12:47,412
He's full of crap, so I
want his car to be, too.
294
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,414
I want it full, I want it stinking.
295
00:12:49,482 --> 00:12:51,667
I want to smell it from here.
296
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:54,336
All right, fine. I'll do it.
297
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,121
Good.
298
00:12:56,172 --> 00:12:59,625
When I get a picture of his
car filled with fertilizer,
299
00:12:59,676 --> 00:13:02,261
I'll go down and apologize
to the grocery ho.
300
00:13:02,328 --> 00:13:04,630
Oh, great. Great.
301
00:13:04,681 --> 00:13:07,216
Remember, just try to make
it seem like it's heartfelt.
302
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,885
Oh, and her name's Mandy,
not Grocery Ho.
303
00:13:12,338 --> 00:13:13,939
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
304
00:13:14,006 --> 00:13:15,674
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
305
00:13:15,725 --> 00:13:17,142
Father: Don't do that.
306
00:13:18,528 --> 00:13:20,011
( Sighs )
307
00:13:20,063 --> 00:13:22,180
- They're onto us.
- What?
308
00:13:22,232 --> 00:13:25,450
My mom just told me my dad thinks
we're doing this for the money.
309
00:13:25,518 --> 00:13:27,686
Okay, tomorrow morning at breakfast,
310
00:13:27,737 --> 00:13:30,405
I will make you a stack
of heart-shaped pancakes
311
00:13:30,490 --> 00:13:32,241
with a bacon arrow right through it,
312
00:13:32,325 --> 00:13:35,794
and then I will slap you on the
butt and call you my woman.
313
00:13:35,861 --> 00:13:38,297
No, we've got to do something
drastic right now.
314
00:13:38,364 --> 00:13:41,250
- Grab the headboard.
- What? No, you grab the headboard.
315
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:43,201
Wait, what are we about to do?
316
00:13:43,253 --> 00:13:45,387
We're gonna grab the headboard
317
00:13:45,471 --> 00:13:47,472
and make it sound like we're having sex.
318
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:48,507
Good idea.
319
00:13:52,762 --> 00:13:54,229
( Creaking )
320
00:13:58,718 --> 00:14:00,235
I thought you loved me. What is that?
321
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,220
I'm just warming you up.
322
00:14:02,272 --> 00:14:04,356
I'm not an animal. What do you want?
323
00:14:04,407 --> 00:14:07,058
( Thudding )
324
00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:08,994
That's how you have sex?
325
00:14:09,061 --> 00:14:10,996
Right out of the gate?
What is wrong with you?
326
00:14:11,063 --> 00:14:14,666
I've been thinking about it all day!
327
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:16,735
You're such a man!
328
00:14:16,786 --> 00:14:18,420
You know what? You're right, I am.
329
00:14:18,504 --> 00:14:20,789
( Thudding increases )
330
00:14:24,076 --> 00:14:25,627
Are you satisfied?
331
00:14:28,514 --> 00:14:30,549
( Phone chimes )
332
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:35,804
Who's Andy?
333
00:14:39,475 --> 00:14:42,894
Lacey, come out here right now!
334
00:14:42,946 --> 00:14:44,947
Lacey: I can't, Mom. We're making love.
335
00:14:45,031 --> 00:14:47,098
Now!
336
00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:50,786
Well, I guess you don't want a grandbaby.
What's up?
337
00:14:50,870 --> 00:14:52,604
Look what I found.
338
00:14:52,655 --> 00:14:55,907
A lascivious text message to
you from someone named Andy.
339
00:14:55,959 --> 00:14:57,743
Andy? That's not...
( Gasps )
340
00:14:57,794 --> 00:15:00,829
Integrity Andy. Oh, no.
341
00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:05,250
You found a message to me
from Andy on my phone?
342
00:15:05,301 --> 00:15:07,952
How stupid are you that you would ruin
343
00:15:08,004 --> 00:15:10,121
a chance to marry this wonderful man,
344
00:15:10,173 --> 00:15:14,559
who sounds like he loves you very much,
345
00:15:14,627 --> 00:15:18,013
but probably needs to learn a
little something about patience?
346
00:15:18,097 --> 00:15:20,465
What's going on?
347
00:15:22,602 --> 00:15:24,636
My mom found my phone.
348
00:15:24,687 --> 00:15:27,489
- But that's...
- My phone, yes. Keep up.
349
00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:31,526
And she read this text message to me
350
00:15:31,611 --> 00:15:34,079
from a man named Andy.
351
00:15:35,581 --> 00:15:37,532
"This is crazy. I need to see you again."
352
00:15:37,617 --> 00:15:40,652
"I miss your body. I miss your lips."
353
00:15:40,703 --> 00:15:43,538
"I want you so bad." Aw.
354
00:15:43,623 --> 00:15:46,491
Oh... oh.
355
00:15:46,542 --> 00:15:49,428
I'm so sorry, Patrick,
but as you can see,
356
00:15:49,495 --> 00:15:52,714
I've been sleeping
with a man named Andy.
357
00:15:55,167 --> 00:15:58,336
You know what? Not a big deal.
I'm gonna let it slide.
358
00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:00,268
- You're not angry?
- Yeah, you should be angry.
359
00:16:00,306 --> 00:16:03,775
Oh, of course I'm angry. That's
a much more realistic reaction.
360
00:16:03,843 --> 00:16:06,194
How dare you?
361
00:16:06,279 --> 00:16:07,729
( Knock on door )
362
00:16:07,814 --> 00:16:10,532
Hello, it's Andy. We need to talk.
363
00:16:10,616 --> 00:16:13,702
Your lover is here? I'll
give him a piece of my mind.
364
00:16:13,786 --> 00:16:16,455
No, you stay right there.
365
00:16:16,522 --> 00:16:18,540
I'll handle this like a man.
366
00:16:18,624 --> 00:16:21,543
Like an angry, angry man.
367
00:16:21,627 --> 00:16:23,879
This may take a while.
368
00:16:26,466 --> 00:16:28,417
What is going on?
369
00:16:28,501 --> 00:16:31,503
I can't tell you right now, but if
you love me, you will scream, "Ow."
370
00:16:31,554 --> 00:16:33,722
- Ow!
- You love me.
371
00:16:36,592 --> 00:16:37,759
Dude.
372
00:16:41,046 --> 00:16:44,232
What the hell are you doing?
373
00:16:44,317 --> 00:16:46,935
What the hell are you doing
up at 6:00 in the morning?
374
00:16:47,019 --> 00:16:50,439
I manage a strip club. I got
home, like, an hour ago.
375
00:16:50,523 --> 00:16:52,357
Look, I am really tired.
376
00:16:52,408 --> 00:16:54,693
I'm almost done filling
your car with cow crap,
377
00:16:54,744 --> 00:16:57,279
so if you could go to bed or
something, that'd be great.
378
00:16:58,614 --> 00:17:00,949
Why would you do this?
379
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,234
Look, Mandy said that the only way
that she'd sleep with me again
380
00:17:03,286 --> 00:17:06,037
and let me prove myself
is if Jen apologized to her.
381
00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:07,622
Jen said the only way
she'd apologize to her
382
00:17:07,707 --> 00:17:10,675
is if I filled your car with cow crap
383
00:17:10,743 --> 00:17:12,878
and sent her a picture of it.
384
00:17:12,929 --> 00:17:15,347
So this whole thing's
about getting laid?
385
00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,884
Cool.
386
00:17:18,935 --> 00:17:21,616
Just help me pack the rest of this
in and we'll go out to breakfast.
387
00:17:23,222 --> 00:17:24,689
No. No, no, no. No, no, no.
388
00:17:24,757 --> 00:17:26,758
You know what? There is
absolutely only one way
389
00:17:26,809 --> 00:17:29,978
that I don't call the cops on you.
390
00:17:30,062 --> 00:17:33,281
You get Jen to take me back.
391
00:17:33,366 --> 00:17:36,401
Dude, she asked me to fill
your car with manure.
392
00:17:36,452 --> 00:17:40,906
Okay, there is absolutely
only one other way.
393
00:17:40,957 --> 00:17:44,409
You get Lacey to take down
her new website...
394
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:48,547
SeanHealylsACheatingDouchebag.com...
395
00:17:48,614 --> 00:17:51,282
.net, .gov, and .tv.
396
00:17:51,334 --> 00:17:54,636
I think she's planning
a cable station of some kind.
397
00:17:56,455 --> 00:17:58,807
But I need the picture now.
Can't you just trust me?
398
00:17:58,891 --> 00:18:01,393
How about you take
the picture with my phone,
399
00:18:01,460 --> 00:18:05,296
and when the website is down,
I'll send it to you?
400
00:18:05,348 --> 00:18:06,648
- Fine.
- All right.
401
00:18:06,732 --> 00:18:08,233
Okay, I just need to get one of you
402
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:09,818
standing in front of the car
looking bummed out.
403
00:18:09,902 --> 00:18:11,469
Well, I am pretty bummed out.
404
00:18:11,521 --> 00:18:14,305
Perfect. Say, "Crap!"
405
00:18:17,371 --> 00:18:19,205
Well, the good news
is my parents bought it,
406
00:18:19,273 --> 00:18:21,273
but they think Patrick's
a violent lunatic
407
00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:23,626
who beat up Andy for two hours.
408
00:18:23,710 --> 00:18:26,546
Hey, you mess around with my wife,
409
00:18:26,613 --> 00:18:30,132
you get dinner and a backrub.
That's just the way it is.
410
00:18:30,217 --> 00:18:31,918
So, Lacey, you're still planning
on cheating your parents
411
00:18:31,969 --> 00:18:33,219
out of a million dollars?
412
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,221
Yeah, so?
413
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,649
Well, I heard you put up a website
414
00:18:36,723 --> 00:18:38,341
to humiliate Sean for cheating on you.
415
00:18:38,425 --> 00:18:40,977
Yeah, so?
416
00:18:41,061 --> 00:18:42,311
Well, I think it's
hypocritical and unhealthy
417
00:18:42,396 --> 00:18:43,596
and you should take it down.
418
00:18:43,647 --> 00:18:46,131
No way. I'm sick of jerks.
419
00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:48,351
Okay, okay. What if I filled
up Sean's car with manure
420
00:18:48,435 --> 00:18:49,969
and took a picture of it for you?
421
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:53,272
That seems really weird,
but it works for me.
422
00:18:53,323 --> 00:18:56,525
Ironically, that picture'd
be perfect for my website.
423
00:18:56,610 --> 00:18:58,327
So, we have a deal?
424
00:18:58,412 --> 00:19:00,029
I want one more thing.
425
00:19:00,113 --> 00:19:03,148
I want you to make Ed stop reporting
me to the immigration service.
426
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,836
I'm a citizen, you crazy old man!
427
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,321
Why don't we let
the government decide that?
428
00:19:11,341 --> 00:19:13,542
- Ed...
- Oh, all right.
429
00:19:13,627 --> 00:19:15,294
But you've got to make Patrick
430
00:19:15,345 --> 00:19:19,131
quit telling the Social
Security people that I'm dead.
431
00:19:19,182 --> 00:19:21,467
Why don't we let
the government decide that?
432
00:19:22,686 --> 00:19:24,670
- Patrick...
- Damn it, okay.
433
00:19:24,721 --> 00:19:27,223
But you have to tell Nolan
to blow his nose.
434
00:19:27,307 --> 00:19:30,776
It's whistling so much he
sounds like a traffic cop.
435
00:19:30,844 --> 00:19:32,895
If you blow your nose too much,
436
00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,781
it irritates the mucus membranes
and then your sinuses can swell
437
00:19:35,849 --> 00:19:39,986
until they grow
into your brain and you die.
438
00:19:40,037 --> 00:19:43,355
But I'll do it if you can make
Lacey let me brush her hair.
439
00:19:43,407 --> 00:19:45,658
I have a brush.
440
00:19:47,411 --> 00:19:49,328
Lacey?
441
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:51,797
Fine, but I better get that picture.
442
00:19:51,865 --> 00:19:53,499
U will.
443
00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:55,334
So, everybody, do we have a deal?
444
00:19:55,385 --> 00:19:56,419
- Yeah.
- Sure.
445
00:19:56,503 --> 00:19:57,670
- Yeah.
- Mm.
446
00:19:57,721 --> 00:19:59,472
All right, I'm getting laid.
447
00:20:02,175 --> 00:20:03,542
( Knocks )
448
00:20:04,878 --> 00:20:06,562
- Hi.
- Hey.
449
00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:08,397
You came early.
450
00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,399
Well, I guess it was your turn.
451
00:20:10,484 --> 00:20:12,718
Charlie, you're going to hate me,
452
00:20:12,769 --> 00:20:14,553
but I'm on my way to the airport.
453
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:16,022
What? Why?
454
00:20:16,073 --> 00:20:18,274
After Jennifer apologized,
455
00:20:18,358 --> 00:20:20,893
I realized that I've been
moving all over the country
456
00:20:20,944 --> 00:20:24,330
looking for a shred of happiness,
457
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:26,732
and now that Jen
and I have made our peace,
458
00:20:26,783 --> 00:20:29,068
I feel like I can go home again.
459
00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:32,404
Do you have any idea what I went
through to make this happen?
460
00:20:32,456 --> 00:20:34,507
Immigration was called,
461
00:20:34,574 --> 00:20:38,127
hair was brushed, noses were blown.
462
00:20:38,211 --> 00:20:41,413
Okay, I don't understand any of that,
463
00:20:41,465 --> 00:20:43,749
but I have to go.
464
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,418
Wait, wait, wait.
465
00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:49,221
Exactly how long is this flight to Ohio?
466
00:20:49,272 --> 00:20:52,391
Uh, I don't know. About four hours.
467
00:20:54,111 --> 00:20:57,980
Mandy: Wow, that was amazing.
468
00:20:58,065 --> 00:21:01,450
So much better than in my parents' den.
469
00:21:01,535 --> 00:21:03,486
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, den?
470
00:21:03,570 --> 00:21:05,454
We did it in your sister's bed.
471
00:21:05,539 --> 00:21:07,106
Mandy: Really?
472
00:21:07,157 --> 00:21:09,825
( Mandy gasps )
Oh, my God, you're right.
473
00:21:09,904 --> 00:21:12,457
Kyle was the one who was fast.
474
00:21:13,254 --> 00:21:15,254
You were great.
475
00:21:15,318 --> 00:21:23,318
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com