1
00:00:00,179 --> 00:00:02,460
So, Ed, my dad said that
you and him drove down to Tijuana

2
00:00:02,492 --> 00:00:04,694
for a couple of days? On a vacation?

3
00:00:04,742 --> 00:00:07,879
Yeah, I had to get some cheap meds
and your dad always wanted

4
00:00:07,949 --> 00:00:11,977
to get his picture taken
on a donkey painted like a zebra.

5
00:00:12,752 --> 00:00:15,421
I started saving for a trip to Mexico.

6
00:00:15,489 --> 00:00:18,224
- They say it's beautiful.
- Well, they were wrong.

7
00:00:18,292 --> 00:00:21,231
For a country that cranks out
nothing but housekeepers,

8
00:00:21,299 --> 00:00:23,183
the place is a mess.

9
00:00:23,251 --> 00:00:26,488
All right, Ed. Put a
dollar in the racist jar.

10
00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:30,829
No, no, no. That's the homophobia jar.

11
00:00:32,541 --> 00:00:34,321
That's the sexist jar.

12
00:00:35,795 --> 00:00:37,739
That's the anti-Semitic jar.

13
00:00:37,806 --> 00:00:41,909
You'd think there'd be more
dollars in the Jew jar.

14
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,375
Well, there are now. Put a dollar in.

15
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,248
So, Nolan, if you're unemployed,

16
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,783
how are you saving money for a trip?

17
00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:54,454
Did you figure out how to sell
a vacant stare on eBay?

18
00:00:55,991 --> 00:00:58,962
No, I got a job.
I'm working at French Cut.

19
00:00:59,029 --> 00:01:01,064
Nolan, we've been over this.

20
00:01:01,132 --> 00:01:04,337
Loitering in a lingerie store is not
the same thing as working there.

21
00:01:04,405 --> 00:01:07,276
No, it's real. I'm a cashier.

22
00:01:07,343 --> 00:01:10,644
Wait a minute. That means you'll
get an employee discount.

23
00:01:10,712 --> 00:01:14,081
And a half hour for lunch.

24
00:01:14,148 --> 00:01:16,450
We need to talk.

25
00:01:16,518 --> 00:01:19,086
Is this about the remake of "Tron"?

26
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:24,793
No. It's about letting me
use your employee discount.

27
00:01:24,861 --> 00:01:26,562
Oh.

28
00:01:26,630 --> 00:01:28,366
Can we talk about "Tron" after?

29
00:01:31,139 --> 00:01:33,340
Oh, sorry. I thought session was over.

30
00:01:33,407 --> 00:01:34,907
No, no, come on in.
We're just wrapping up.

31
00:01:34,975 --> 00:01:36,643
See you all next Thursday.

32
00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:39,379
Nolan, good luck with the job.

33
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,582
And, Ed, a little tip.
It's probably a bad sign

34
00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:43,517
if your pill bottle
has a worm at the bottom.

35
00:01:46,988 --> 00:01:50,190
You're here 'cause you got my message
about us being in "Psychology Today."

36
00:01:50,258 --> 00:01:52,627
- Pretty great, huh?
- Are you kidding?

37
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:55,097
We can't invite the press
to see the study now.

38
00:01:55,164 --> 00:01:56,801
If they don't like what we're doing,

39
00:01:56,863 --> 00:01:59,173
they could destroy our credibility
before the results are published.

40
00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:02,136
So are you excited about this or not?

41
00:02:02,203 --> 00:02:04,405
I've been burned by the press before.

42
00:02:04,473 --> 00:02:06,149
Oh, not that again.
You've got to get over it.

43
00:02:06,204 --> 00:02:08,343
That review was a long time ago.

44
00:02:08,410 --> 00:02:10,912
"Lose 20 pounds" is not something

45
00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:13,014
you should say to
a nine-year-old ballerina.

46
00:02:14,851 --> 00:02:17,786
Well, don't worry. I had a lovely
Skype with Vanessa this morning

47
00:02:17,854 --> 00:02:19,956
and I guarantee this will
be a very positive article.

48
00:02:20,023 --> 00:02:23,292
Oh, really? You guarantee it?

49
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:27,029
Does Vanessa also happen
to be an attractive woman?

50
00:02:27,097 --> 00:02:29,365
Define attractive.

51
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:31,834
- Attractive.
- Oh, well, then, yes, she is.

52
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:36,704
Charlie, if we are going to do this,

53
00:02:36,772 --> 00:02:40,040
it has to be for the good of
our careers, not your penis.

54
00:02:40,108 --> 00:02:41,976
Hey, hey, hey.

55
00:02:42,044 --> 00:02:44,879
What's good for our careers
is good for my penis.

56
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:47,449
Oh, come on, Jordan.
Let's do this interview.

57
00:02:47,516 --> 00:02:51,118
Okay, fine. But this
woman is a professional.

58
00:02:51,186 --> 00:02:52,919
Promise me you'll treat
her with respect.

59
00:02:52,987 --> 00:02:54,620
I absolutely will.

60
00:02:54,688 --> 00:02:57,256
When I'm having sex with her,
I'll say please and thank you.

61
00:02:57,323 --> 00:03:00,824
- Charlie.
- Oh, come on. I'm not stupid.

62
00:03:00,892 --> 00:03:02,559
20 pounds?

63
00:03:02,627 --> 00:03:04,662
How big were you when you were nine?

64
00:03:04,729 --> 00:03:08,032
I was more sugar plum than fairy.

65
00:03:10,737 --> 00:03:13,639
Is it fair to characterize
your study as comparing

66
00:03:13,706 --> 00:03:15,908
the happiness of friends
with benefits couples

67
00:03:15,976 --> 00:03:17,810
versus traditional monogamous couples?

68
00:03:17,877 --> 00:03:20,179
Yes, exactly.

69
00:03:20,246 --> 00:03:22,581
And if I was to put
something in your mouth,

70
00:03:22,649 --> 00:03:24,850
those words would be it.

71
00:03:26,119 --> 00:03:28,020
- Charlie.
- What?

72
00:03:28,088 --> 00:03:29,889
Please, continue.

73
00:03:29,956 --> 00:03:34,160
Has working together so closely
on a subject like this

74
00:03:34,228 --> 00:03:37,498
ever tempted you to, you know,

75
00:03:37,566 --> 00:03:39,433
take your relationship
to the next level?

76
00:03:39,501 --> 00:03:42,703
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

77
00:03:42,771 --> 00:03:44,638
Jordan, if I may.

78
00:03:44,706 --> 00:03:46,740
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

79
00:03:48,409 --> 00:03:50,143
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

80
00:03:50,211 --> 00:03:53,347
Yeah, not in the history
of the known universe.

81
00:03:53,415 --> 00:03:56,050
Not even if hell froze over.

82
00:03:56,117 --> 00:03:58,986
Beyond the valley of no way.

83
00:03:59,054 --> 00:04:02,558
Not even if he paid for it.

84
00:04:02,625 --> 00:04:05,527
( Sighs )
Not even if I could afford it.

85
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:14,302
But, for the record, Jordan
is a brilliant researcher.

86
00:04:16,539 --> 00:04:18,640
Thank you.

87
00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:21,644
And do not get me started on Charlie.

88
00:04:23,213 --> 00:04:25,215
- Is that it?
- Yes.

89
00:04:25,282 --> 00:04:27,417
( Phone chimes )

90
00:04:27,485 --> 00:04:29,719
Excuse me.

91
00:04:29,787 --> 00:04:31,854
Hello?

92
00:04:31,922 --> 00:04:34,389
Yes, this is she.

93
00:04:34,457 --> 00:04:37,058
Yes, I have a red tabby cat.

94
00:04:38,861 --> 00:04:41,329
Yes, she's been known
to attack children.

95
00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:46,001
Oh, my God. I'll be right there.

96
00:04:46,069 --> 00:04:48,972
I'm so sorry. I have to go.

97
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,508
My cat tore up a... she's sick.

98
00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:54,110
No, it's okay. Go.

99
00:04:54,178 --> 00:04:55,678
We'll keep talking about the study.

100
00:04:55,746 --> 00:04:57,947
And that's all.

101
00:04:58,014 --> 00:05:00,481
Don't worry. We're not gonna
talk about you behind your back.

102
00:05:00,549 --> 00:05:02,450
Crazy cat lady.

103
00:05:06,187 --> 00:05:08,556
- So.
- So.

104
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,592
The study.

105
00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:15,196
Well, now with Jordan gone,
I can confide in you

106
00:05:15,264 --> 00:05:17,766
that I think to write this story,

107
00:05:17,834 --> 00:05:21,269
I'm going to need to experience
your methodology firsthand.

108
00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:24,473
So you want to be
hooked up to the machine?

109
00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:26,875
Because that is firsthand.

110
00:05:26,942 --> 00:05:29,710
And feel free to use
your second hand if needed.

111
00:05:29,778 --> 00:05:32,613
When I did a story on Tibetan monks,

112
00:05:32,681 --> 00:05:34,348
I spent a month in a monastery.

113
00:05:34,416 --> 00:05:36,083
When I did a story on kayaking,

114
00:05:36,151 --> 00:05:37,819
I went down the Colorado River.

115
00:05:37,886 --> 00:05:40,488
When I did a story on gang
violence in South Central LA,

116
00:05:40,556 --> 00:05:43,358
I rented a documentary

117
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,227
on gang violence in South Central LA.

118
00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:48,531
I mean, I can hook you
up to the machine,

119
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,900
but it won't mean anything
unless you're having sex.

120
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:53,202
I know.

121
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,205
So you gonna bring
your boyfriend down here?

122
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:58,306
I don't have a boyfriend.

123
00:05:58,374 --> 00:06:00,841
And I...

124
00:06:00,909 --> 00:06:02,676
don't have any self-control.

125
00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:07,326
Anger Management 2x44
- Charlie Does It for Science -
Original air date December 5, 2013

126
00:06:07,351 --> 00:06:09,351
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com

127
00:06:09,363 --> 00:06:12,355
So this is what everybody in the study
has to wear when they have sex?

128
00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:13,844
I don't know what you're talking about.

129
00:06:13,911 --> 00:06:15,512
It's what I always wear when I have sex.

130
00:06:16,745 --> 00:06:18,509
Let me show you how this works.

131
00:06:18,581 --> 00:06:21,216
The machine, that is. I'm sure
you know how the rest works.

132
00:06:21,283 --> 00:06:24,618
If you do something that
surprises me, I'll let you know.

133
00:06:24,686 --> 00:06:28,821
Now, these register our
emotional responses during sex.

134
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,358
And this is the number that
identifies which couple we are.

135
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:35,228
XTC4U?

136
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,496
Totally random.

137
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:40,466
We programmed the computer
to have a sense of humor.

138
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,436
It cost a lot, but it was well worth it.

139
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:46,572
So, are we all hooked up
and ready to go?

140
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,808
Well, we're not totally hooked up.

141
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,477
There is one input left.

142
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,646
Oh, yeah? What's that?

143
00:06:55,049 --> 00:06:56,049
This.

144
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,021
All right.

145
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,891
Welcome to the wonderful
world of sexual science.

146
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,727
Please keep your arms and
legs in the bed at all times.

147
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:11,816
You can pick up your picture in the
gift shop at the end of the ride.

148
00:07:11,871 --> 00:07:14,573
I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride.

149
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:19,372
Excuse me. I'm looking
for something that says,

150
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:23,075
"I'm shy until you get two
drinks in me, LeBron James."

151
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:27,213
Lacey, I need to talk to you.

152
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,214
I need to talk to you. What's sexier?

153
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,651
This or this?

154
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,986
I don't know. The only way I can tell

155
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:38,857
is if I see them on you and
then you slowly take them off.

156
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:42,127
Come talk to me when they're paying
you $60 million to play basketball

157
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:45,497
and you've got a shoe contract and,
you know what, just don't talk to me.

158
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,466
Look, Lacey, my boss just told me

159
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,001
the only people who can
use my employee discount

160
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:52,170
are me, family members,
or significant others.

161
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:54,806
And I don't think anyone's
going to believe you're me.

162
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,908
So just tell them I'm your sister.

163
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:59,511
- My girlfriend.
- Your half-sister.

164
00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:02,080
- My girlfriend.
- Your cousin.

165
00:08:02,147 --> 00:08:05,049
Okay, fine, my cousin. But we have sex.

166
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,687
Hey. Sorry about that.

167
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:13,291
So what happened?
Your cat scratched up a kid?

168
00:08:13,359 --> 00:08:15,026
It wasn't the cat's fault.

169
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,123
The kid from next door
was eating out of her bowl.

170
00:08:17,201 --> 00:08:19,497
I really need a smaller cat door.

171
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:22,067
Well, they make that cat food
look so delicious on TV.

172
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,802
This was bound to happen.

173
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:26,172
So how'd it go with the reporter?

174
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,973
Was she in and out pretty quick?

175
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,008
No, I wouldn't put it that way.

176
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,810
But she got what she needed?

177
00:08:31,878 --> 00:08:33,345
Sure sounded that way to me.

178
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:38,718
Did somebody use the machine?

179
00:08:40,922 --> 00:08:42,757
What?

180
00:08:42,824 --> 00:08:44,691
According to the time stamp,

181
00:08:44,759 --> 00:08:47,294
someone used this machine
45 minutes ago.

182
00:08:47,362 --> 00:08:48,996
I wonder who?

183
00:08:50,498 --> 00:08:52,866
Damn it, Charlie. She's a reporter.

184
00:08:52,934 --> 00:08:55,201
Is there anyone
that you don't sleep with?

185
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,137
Yes, there's a whole
gender I don't sleep with.

186
00:08:59,574 --> 00:09:01,975
Hey, she started it. What was
I supposed to do, say no?

187
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:05,312
- Yes!
- Well, that's just crazy talk.

188
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:09,148
I can't leave for one hour without
you getting into trouble.

189
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,984
- You're worse than Mr. Tubby.
- Don't compare me to a cat.

190
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,120
I'm not. That's what I call
the kid from next door.

191
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,627
Has she seen this readout yet?

192
00:09:20,695 --> 00:09:22,562
No, she wanted to do this for her story,

193
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,310
so I was gonna show
it to her tonight. Why?

194
00:09:24,366 --> 00:09:27,235
Well, according to the activity
in her dopamine center,

195
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:29,236
this woman is in love with you.

196
00:09:29,304 --> 00:09:31,138
Which can only mean one thing.

197
00:09:31,206 --> 00:09:34,074
- What?
- The machine is broken.

198
00:09:35,543 --> 00:09:37,046
What are you saying?

199
00:09:37,116 --> 00:09:39,382
That a woman can't fall in
love with me after one time?

200
00:09:39,437 --> 00:09:41,181
- No.
- Well, you know what?

201
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,050
- You don't know women.
- I do know women.

202
00:09:44,118 --> 00:09:46,352
- Oh, really? How?
- I'm a woman.

203
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,189
Oh, please.

204
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,558
I am and I know this woman

205
00:09:51,626 --> 00:09:53,727
and I know what she's going
to write in her article

206
00:09:53,795 --> 00:09:55,696
after she sees this readout.

207
00:09:55,764 --> 00:09:59,266
That all of our data is faulty
and this whole study is a sham.

208
00:09:59,334 --> 00:10:01,568
- This is terrible.
- I know. I know.

209
00:10:01,636 --> 00:10:03,737
This study is all you've got.

210
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:06,740
I've got friends, hobbies,
private practice.

211
00:10:06,808 --> 00:10:08,962
You better figure out your next move.
I'm out of here.

212
00:10:09,037 --> 00:10:11,539
You are not bailing on this.

213
00:10:11,623 --> 00:10:13,356
What if this happened today?

214
00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:15,537
Is there any way that you could
have broken the machine?

215
00:10:15,597 --> 00:10:17,090
Did anything get wet?

216
00:10:19,121 --> 00:10:21,956
The machine, you adolescent pig.

217
00:10:22,024 --> 00:10:24,292
No.
( Sighs )

218
00:10:24,359 --> 00:10:27,728
Okay, well, I'll get it checked out.

219
00:10:27,796 --> 00:10:31,565
But in the meantime, don't
let her see this readout.

220
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,313
Give her someone else's.
Pretend it's hers.

221
00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:36,471
I can't show her this.

222
00:10:36,539 --> 00:10:39,407
Besides, she knows our number... XTC4U.

223
00:10:40,976 --> 00:10:42,944
You have got to fix this
or we're screwed.

224
00:10:43,012 --> 00:10:45,113
Oh, how typical.

225
00:10:45,180 --> 00:10:47,482
I make a mistake, you get mad at me,

226
00:10:47,549 --> 00:10:50,418
and I'm the one who has
to clean things up.

227
00:10:50,486 --> 00:10:53,521
Well, you know what, Jordan?
Your name is on that door, too.

228
00:10:53,589 --> 00:10:55,990
It says Gordon.

229
00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:58,927
Oh, yeah? Well, I suppose you're
gonna blame that on me, too.

230
00:10:59,002 --> 00:11:01,163
Well, you're the one that gave
them the wrong spelling.

231
00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:03,343
And there it is.

232
00:11:06,504 --> 00:11:08,705
It's been really fun hanging
out with you today, Lacey.

233
00:11:08,773 --> 00:11:10,240
We're not hanging out.

234
00:11:10,308 --> 00:11:11,675
You bumped into me in the Apple Store,

235
00:11:11,743 --> 00:11:13,383
found out about
Nolan's employee discount,

236
00:11:13,444 --> 00:11:15,212
and followed me here.

237
00:11:15,279 --> 00:11:17,814
I know, fun, right?

238
00:11:17,882 --> 00:11:20,317
Hey, Mom, what about this?

239
00:11:20,385 --> 00:11:21,852
- Yes!
- Over my dead body.

240
00:11:21,919 --> 00:11:23,353
No way. I'll kill you.

241
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:25,889
You guys both talked at the same time,

242
00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:27,906
so I'm gonna assume
it was my mom that said yes.

243
00:11:27,969 --> 00:11:29,792
- Uh, no.
- Come on.

244
00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:32,541
You said you were already wearing
push-up bras and thongs at my age.

245
00:11:32,595 --> 00:11:35,897
That's because I was rebelling
against conservative parents.

246
00:11:35,965 --> 00:11:37,465
If you want to rebel against me,

247
00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:39,163
you're gonna have to do something crazy

248
00:11:39,226 --> 00:11:40,835
like wear granny panties

249
00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:43,304
and not sleep with all
the guys at Spencer's Gifts.

250
00:11:45,241 --> 00:11:48,009
Uh-oh. All right, guys,
give me all your stuff.

251
00:11:48,077 --> 00:11:49,678
If I don't leave in five minutes,

252
00:11:49,745 --> 00:11:52,145
I'm gonna be two and a half hours
late for lunch with my mom.

253
00:11:54,717 --> 00:11:56,651
- Here. I want these.
- Hello, cousin,

254
00:11:56,719 --> 00:11:59,421
who qualifies for my employee discount.

255
00:11:59,488 --> 00:12:02,023
Kiss me. My boss is watching.

256
00:12:02,091 --> 00:12:03,858
We're not cousins who have sex.

257
00:12:03,925 --> 00:12:07,328
Just because society
doesn't understand our love

258
00:12:07,395 --> 00:12:09,229
does not mean it's not real.

259
00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,067
How's it going, Nolan?

260
00:12:14,135 --> 00:12:15,969
Oh, fine.

261
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,337
Just ringing up some
more clothes for my cousin.

262
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,806
You've been buying her an
awful lot of clothes lately.

263
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,609
You know what they say about women.

264
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,345
Bitches.

265
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:31,283
You know, I'd like to meet your cousin.

266
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,286
Anyone who can wear a 32B and a 34D

267
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:36,488
must be very interesting-looking.

268
00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:38,857
Yeah.

269
00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:41,693
She's got a lot
of different-sized breasts.

270
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,728
Nolan, what's going on?

271
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:45,964
Okay, the truth is

272
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:49,068
this bra is for my cousin.

273
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:54,506
And this bra is for me.

274
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:55,974
For you?

275
00:12:56,042 --> 00:12:58,777
That's what I went with.

276
00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:03,248
That's great. I'm a cross-dresser, too.

277
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:04,849
- You are?
- Yes.

278
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,452
No way.

279
00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:09,554
Why else would I work in this place?

280
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,824
Because you're also not
Hot Dog on a Stick material?

281
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:16,561
Anyway, we're having
a secret drag party here

282
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,017
tomorrow night with a bunch
of my cross-dressing friends.

283
00:13:19,072 --> 00:13:21,765
- You should come.
- Oh, I would love to.

284
00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:24,768
But I got to work tomorrow night.

285
00:13:24,836 --> 00:13:26,570
No, you don't.

286
00:13:26,638 --> 00:13:28,539
Right, you're my boss.

287
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,608
You would know that.

288
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,312
Afternoon, gentlemen.

289
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:39,083
Wayne, I couldn't help noticing
that you're holding a bird.

290
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,952
I've always loved birds.

291
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:43,421
I call her Barbra Streisand.

292
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:46,091
Because she sings so beautifully?

293
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,660
No, 'cause all the gays love her.

294
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,896
Right? Who's fabulous?

295
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,001
When I retell the story, it'll be
because she sings so beautifully.

296
00:13:57,069 --> 00:14:00,104
If I knew we were allowed to
have pets in this prison,

297
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,972
I would have brought my pet gun.

298
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,208
And my pet bag of heroin.

299
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:07,478
Pets aren't allowed in here, Ernesto.

300
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:09,480
How'd you get the bird in here, Wayne?

301
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:11,882
Hardest part was getting
her past the metal detector.

302
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:13,985
Why? Birds don't have any metal on them.

303
00:14:14,053 --> 00:14:16,788
No, but they do have little
metal bands on their legs

304
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:20,358
that say, "Property
of the San Diego Zoo."

305
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,461
All right, well, let's talk about that.

306
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,330
Machines and how they complicate our lives.
Who's got an example?

307
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:28,066
Ooh, I do. One time I had
this wrinkled-up old dollar

308
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,615
and I was trying to shove that
bitch up into a Pepsi machine...

309
00:14:30,685 --> 00:14:33,482
You know what? You know what?
You k...? I'm gonna go first.

310
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,874
There's this really hot reporter.

311
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:37,710
She's doing an article on my sex study.

312
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:40,178
So we hooked ourselves up
to this EEG machine

313
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:43,048
that measures love and then
we, well, we hooked up.

314
00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:45,050
Ooh! Here we go, here we go.

315
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,219
The meat. Get to the meat, Charlie.

316
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,988
Anyway, the readout said
that she loved me,

317
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,356
which can't be true.

318
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,864
When she realizes our data is wrong,

319
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,559
she'll write about it
and trash the study.

320
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:57,429
How many people are you willing
to kill to save your study?

321
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:00,199
None.

322
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:03,135
All right. I got another idea.

323
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,238
The way I see it,
can't change the readout

324
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,373
so you got to change the woman.

325
00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,576
You got to make her think she's in love
with you, she just doesn't know it.

326
00:15:10,644 --> 00:15:13,278
That's a great idea.
But how would I do that?

327
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,281
I would say chain her
to a basement wall,

328
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,084
but that never worked out for me.

329
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,586
Anybody have any other suggestions?

330
00:15:22,623 --> 00:15:24,424
That don't involve chaining
someone to a wall.

331
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:28,761
Or a toilet.

332
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,502
Coming.

333
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,442
- Hey.
- Charlie.

334
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,233
What are you doing here? I thought
we were meeting at the restaurant.

335
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,327
Yeah, but I thought it'd be better if
we talked about the results in private.

336
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,383
Plus, I wanted to bring you these.

337
00:15:50,451 --> 00:15:53,453
Flowers? Really? That's unexpected.

338
00:15:53,521 --> 00:15:56,423
- Do you like them?
- I love them.

339
00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:59,826
But you didn't know you loved them until
I brought them to your attention.

340
00:16:01,629 --> 00:16:03,230
- What?
- It's okay.

341
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,255
Just because you didn't
know you loved something

342
00:16:05,326 --> 00:16:07,267
doesn't make you a bad person.

343
00:16:07,335 --> 00:16:09,237
Why don't we go inside?

344
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:15,343
- Are you all right?
- I am great.

345
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:19,947
Let me tell you a little story.

346
00:16:20,015 --> 00:16:22,984
A long time ago my ex-wife
and I, we had this cat.

347
00:16:23,052 --> 00:16:26,354
And I didn't feel anything for this cat.

348
00:16:26,422 --> 00:16:28,657
Okay.

349
00:16:28,724 --> 00:16:32,462
Then one night a coyote ate that cat

350
00:16:32,529 --> 00:16:34,197
and I was an emotional wreck.

351
00:16:34,265 --> 00:16:36,533
- You know why?
- Why?

352
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,302
Because it turns out I loved that cat

353
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:41,671
and I didn't even know it.
I would have known it

354
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,106
if it was hooked up to
an EEG and I had sex with it.

355
00:16:46,743 --> 00:16:48,810
All right, I think I get it.

356
00:16:48,878 --> 00:16:50,779
- You do?
- Yeah.

357
00:16:50,846 --> 00:16:53,114
I'm the cat and you just found out

358
00:16:53,182 --> 00:16:55,217
that you're in love with me.

359
00:16:55,284 --> 00:16:58,020
No, I'm the cat

360
00:16:58,088 --> 00:17:00,123
and you're in love with me.

361
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,392
Surprise.

362
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:04,060
I don't know what you're talking about.

363
00:17:04,128 --> 00:17:06,930
Let me just show you the data.

364
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,867
Okay.

365
00:17:10,934 --> 00:17:12,969
Look, this is the readout.

366
00:17:13,036 --> 00:17:14,704
This one's me and this one's you.

367
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:18,275
Look how high your activity
is in your dopamine centers.

368
00:17:18,342 --> 00:17:20,076
Which means I love you?

369
00:17:20,144 --> 00:17:21,845
And you don't even know it.

370
00:17:21,913 --> 00:17:24,882
Isn't science amazing?

371
00:17:24,949 --> 00:17:27,852
Charlie, I really liked
having sex with you,

372
00:17:27,919 --> 00:17:31,155
but if you think I'm crazy enough to
fall in love with someone I just met,

373
00:17:31,223 --> 00:17:33,390
then you have serious issues.

374
00:17:33,458 --> 00:17:35,019
No, no. No, no. Falling in love with me

375
00:17:35,026 --> 00:17:36,827
without even knowing me
is completely normal.

376
00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:39,262
Sometimes it's even easier.

377
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,000
It doesn't make you crazy.

378
00:17:44,068 --> 00:17:46,270
Okay, here's the truth.

379
00:17:46,338 --> 00:17:48,506
Your readout is way off base,

380
00:17:48,574 --> 00:17:51,576
which means your machine
and all your data are wrong.

381
00:17:51,644 --> 00:17:54,479
And I would be a terrible reporter
if I didn't put that in my article.

382
00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:56,215
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

383
00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:58,450
Oh, my gosh. I had it upside down.

384
00:17:58,518 --> 00:18:00,286
I'm in love with you.

385
00:18:00,353 --> 00:18:02,020
( Chuckles )

386
00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,389
I can't deal with this right now.
Please leave.

387
00:18:05,925 --> 00:18:08,560
Vanessa.
( Sighs )

388
00:18:08,628 --> 00:18:10,195
Damn it.

389
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:28,095
I guess the machine's not broken.

390
00:18:35,637 --> 00:18:37,738
Hey, Nolan.

391
00:18:38,741 --> 00:18:41,509
Oh, my goodness. Look at you.

392
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:43,444
( Laughs )
Yeah, I know.

393
00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:45,733
It's always weird when you
see somebody outside of work.

394
00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:47,149
Yeah.

395
00:18:47,217 --> 00:18:49,251
That's what's weird.

396
00:18:49,319 --> 00:18:52,087
Anyway, I look forward to seeing
you at more of these parties.

397
00:18:52,155 --> 00:18:54,389
Yeah, well, keep looking.

398
00:18:56,759 --> 00:18:58,292
Great party.

399
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,361
Yup.

400
00:19:02,331 --> 00:19:04,833
You get caught abusing
the store discount, too?

401
00:19:04,901 --> 00:19:06,635
Yup.

402
00:19:06,703 --> 00:19:08,470
Well, I figure it's worth it.

403
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,272
I'm getting so much tail from chicks

404
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:12,474
who want free underwear, it's crazy.

405
00:19:14,243 --> 00:19:16,211
I'm not getting any tail.

406
00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:17,812
Oh.

407
00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:21,716
You look lovely.

408
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,622
Charlie!

409
00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:29,157
Oh, hey.

410
00:19:29,225 --> 00:19:31,693
I didn't see all of this.

411
00:19:33,496 --> 00:19:34,929
I can explain.

412
00:19:34,997 --> 00:19:36,764
Explain what?

413
00:19:36,832 --> 00:19:39,399
Why would you need to explain
a bed with my face on it?

414
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:41,301
Who doesn't have one of those?

415
00:19:41,369 --> 00:19:43,537
I'm not a reporter.

416
00:19:43,605 --> 00:19:45,606
Really? You don't say.

417
00:19:47,609 --> 00:19:50,444
Don't you recognize my voice?

418
00:19:50,511 --> 00:19:53,981
Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order?

419
00:19:54,049 --> 00:19:56,417
Holy crap.

420
00:19:56,485 --> 00:19:59,319
You're the girl who gives
me my coffee every morning.

421
00:19:59,387 --> 00:20:01,254
And sometimes your breakfast sandwich.

422
00:20:01,322 --> 00:20:04,591
And once a strawberry milk shake
and a buttload of McNuggets.

423
00:20:04,659 --> 00:20:06,393
I think you'd been up all night.

424
00:20:06,461 --> 00:20:08,328
It was adorable.

425
00:20:10,699 --> 00:20:12,433
Well, it was nice meeting you.

426
00:20:12,501 --> 00:20:15,070
I'll send you my new contact info.
I'm moving to Spain.

427
00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:17,872
Or some other country.

428
00:20:17,940 --> 00:20:20,242
Why don't you love me?!

429
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,579
Well, for starters,
there's the screaming.

430
00:20:27,917 --> 00:20:29,885
Look at your line.

431
00:20:29,953 --> 00:20:31,753
It doesn't move.

432
00:20:31,821 --> 00:20:34,022
You self-centered son of a bitch.

433
00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:35,457
( Sobbing )

434
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:38,111
What did I do wrong?

435
00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:41,757
Nothing. You've done this whole manic

436
00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:44,820
obsessive crazy thing absolutely right.

437
00:20:44,892 --> 00:20:46,892
It was classic.

438
00:20:48,166 --> 00:20:50,338
I'm not crazy.

439
00:20:50,409 --> 00:20:53,688
I love you. And I hope the coyote eats me

440
00:20:53,761 --> 00:20:57,343
so that you can see
how much you love me too.

441
00:20:57,408 --> 00:21:00,050
Like you loved the cat.

442
00:21:00,622 --> 00:21:03,166
Vanessa, there was no cat.

443
00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:05,088
There was no coyote.

444
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,552
But there will be a restraining order.

445
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,555
One quick question. Do you know where

446
00:21:09,619 --> 00:21:12,282
- there's another McDonalds in the area?
- What?

447
00:21:12,346 --> 00:21:15,836
You know what, they got those big
signs out front, I'll find one. Goodbye.

448
00:21:15,892 --> 00:21:23,892
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com