1
00:00:00,625 --> 00:00:04,298
Now, I know you're all gonna be spending
time with your families this Christmas.

2
00:00:04,342 --> 00:00:08,362
So remember, as good
as it might feel at the time,

3
00:00:08,410 --> 00:00:12,595
aggravated assault is not a gift.

4
00:00:12,634 --> 00:00:14,944
By the way, also not a gift,

5
00:00:14,992 --> 00:00:16,710
the holiday conversion package

6
00:00:16,795 --> 00:00:19,296
I got from my aunt and uncle
who want to turn me straight.

7
00:00:19,347 --> 00:00:22,499
This year it included
a "Maxim" magazine,

8
00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:23,851
a side of bacon,

9
00:00:23,935 --> 00:00:27,521
- and a football shirt.
- Jersey.

10
00:00:27,605 --> 00:00:29,973
I don't know. Is that where
the Redskins are from?

11
00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:33,727
I'm going to church with my dad.

12
00:00:33,812 --> 00:00:35,312
<i>I like to pray...</i>

13
00:00:35,363 --> 00:00:37,614
that he gets struck by lightning,

14
00:00:37,682 --> 00:00:39,817
hit by a bus,

15
00:00:39,868 --> 00:00:41,985
maybe a plane crash.

16
00:00:42,036 --> 00:00:44,455
Believe me, I'm not one
to tell God how to do His job.

17
00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:46,457
Surprise me.

18
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:49,326
Well, at least you got something to do.

19
00:00:49,377 --> 00:00:52,129
My wife kicked me out,
my daughter's out of town,

20
00:00:52,196 --> 00:00:54,081
and all my friends are dead.

21
00:00:54,165 --> 00:00:57,835
Let's see, there's Pete, Tim...

22
00:00:57,886 --> 00:01:00,721
yup, yup, they're all dead.

23
00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:03,590
My family all gets together.

24
00:01:03,675 --> 00:01:05,375
It's so depressing.

25
00:01:05,427 --> 00:01:07,594
Everybody's piling out of their Mercedes

26
00:01:07,679 --> 00:01:10,981
with their cute little kids
and their beautiful babies.

27
00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:13,817
And it just reminds me...

28
00:01:13,885 --> 00:01:15,569
that I don't have a Mercedes.

29
00:01:17,572 --> 00:01:20,240
Yeah, it's the most stressful
time of the year for me, too.

30
00:01:20,325 --> 00:01:22,559
Aside from Shark Week.

31
00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:25,395
For obvious reasons.

32
00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:28,782
You know what? Screw families,
dead friends, and sharks.

33
00:01:28,867 --> 00:01:31,168
And the New Jersey Redskins.

34
00:01:31,235 --> 00:01:34,004
I say we do something
different this Christmas.

35
00:01:36,508 --> 00:01:37,791
Damn it.

36
00:01:37,876 --> 00:01:40,511
There's nothing we can do on Christmas.

37
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,513
The malls are all locked up.

38
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:45,849
It's like we did something wrong.

39
00:01:45,917 --> 00:01:47,768
No, I'm talking about hanging out here,

40
00:01:47,852 --> 00:01:50,137
drinking a ton of booze and
bitching about the people we hate.

41
00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:52,773
Yay! Charlie saved Christmas.

42
00:01:52,857 --> 00:01:56,643
- Yay!
- Yes, I did.

43
00:01:56,728 --> 00:01:59,062
So it's set. See you all
7:00 Christmas Eve.

44
00:02:03,535 --> 00:02:06,370
You know, your father's
gonna crap a Catholic brick

45
00:02:06,437 --> 00:02:08,789
if you don't go to mass
with him Christmas Eve.

46
00:02:08,873 --> 00:02:11,608
Then I'll just go tonight and
tell him that's all he gets.

47
00:02:11,659 --> 00:02:14,444
- I'll see you there.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

48
00:02:14,496 --> 00:02:15,746
You're going to church with my dad?

49
00:02:15,797 --> 00:02:17,614
Yeah.

50
00:02:17,665 --> 00:02:20,050
He told me he'd kick me
out if I didn't repent

51
00:02:20,117 --> 00:02:22,052
for being such a lousy roommate.

52
00:02:22,119 --> 00:02:25,672
Apparently he's the one
washing my dirty dishes

53
00:02:25,757 --> 00:02:27,341
after I put them in the sink.

54
00:02:27,425 --> 00:02:29,292
Well, Ed, who did you
think was washing them?

55
00:02:29,344 --> 00:02:31,595
Not something I dwelled on.

56
00:02:37,819 --> 00:02:39,653
What the hell are you doing?

57
00:02:39,737 --> 00:02:41,104
All right, you got me.

58
00:02:41,155 --> 00:02:42,435
Sometimes when you're not around,

59
00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:45,025
I like to use your giant
spoon as a spoon.

60
00:02:45,109 --> 00:02:47,861
It cracks me up.

61
00:02:47,946 --> 00:02:50,581
It is pretty funny.

62
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:53,000
By the way, Mike from next
door used it last week

63
00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:55,335
to fish a dead rat out of his Jacuzzi.

64
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:57,320
How's that coffee?

65
00:03:11,102 --> 00:03:12,970
So I have a favor to ask you.

66
00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:18,775
I'm dating this girl, but I can't
tell her that I manage strip clubs

67
00:03:18,843 --> 00:03:21,311
because she's...

68
00:03:21,362 --> 00:03:24,398
what's that word for chicks that
don't like to be called chicks?

69
00:03:24,482 --> 00:03:25,699
- Feminist?
- Right.

70
00:03:25,783 --> 00:03:27,701
She's a feminist chick.

71
00:03:27,785 --> 00:03:31,187
So I lied to this chick
and I told her I'm a doctor.

72
00:03:31,239 --> 00:03:33,123
So can I pretend that your office

73
00:03:33,190 --> 00:03:35,358
is my office on Christmas Eve?

74
00:03:35,410 --> 00:03:38,579
Hey, Dr. Grabass, my office
isn't some cheap motel room

75
00:03:38,663 --> 00:03:40,881
you can use to trick some
gal into sleeping with you.

76
00:03:40,965 --> 00:03:42,416
She's super hot.

77
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:45,969
Dude, you buried the lead.

78
00:03:46,037 --> 00:03:48,505
Have a great time with your
super hot feminist chick.

79
00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:50,507
Thank you. They're awesome, aren't they?

80
00:03:50,558 --> 00:03:52,976
Pay half the tab, bring
their own birth control.

81
00:03:53,044 --> 00:03:55,262
And because they hate you a little bit,

82
00:03:55,346 --> 00:03:56,930
they don't want to spend the night.

83
00:03:59,984 --> 00:04:02,686
Hey, Ed. You actually
decided to come, huh?

84
00:04:02,737 --> 00:04:06,607
Yeah. Your dad has a way
of persuading people.

85
00:04:06,691 --> 00:04:09,026
If I can't understand
that Mexican preacher,

86
00:04:09,077 --> 00:04:11,161
I can always take refuge

87
00:04:11,228 --> 00:04:13,864
in the good book.

88
00:04:13,915 --> 00:04:15,565
I don't know the good book by heart,

89
00:04:15,617 --> 00:04:17,233
but I'm pretty sure it also says,

90
00:04:17,285 --> 00:04:19,169
"Share thy booze."

91
00:04:22,256 --> 00:04:23,740
Where's my dad?

92
00:04:23,791 --> 00:04:25,459
He's down in the basement.

93
00:04:25,543 --> 00:04:27,094
He thinks he left his jacket here

94
00:04:27,178 --> 00:04:29,746
after he threw it at
the bingo caller last night.

95
00:04:31,599 --> 00:04:34,417
Did you see that travesty out front?

96
00:04:34,469 --> 00:04:36,353
You talking about the 80-year-old lady

97
00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:39,139
with the fake boobs and the crop top?

98
00:04:39,223 --> 00:04:42,859
No, I'm talking about the Mexican
Nativity scene they got out there.

99
00:04:42,927 --> 00:04:46,863
They've got the baby Jesus
wrapped in a rainbow poncho

100
00:04:46,931 --> 00:04:49,032
and he's browner than my shoes.

101
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,768
Ed, it's called a serape.

102
00:04:51,819 --> 00:04:53,660
And a lot of ethnic groups
are more comfortable

103
00:04:53,738 --> 00:04:55,299
with a display that they can relate to.

104
00:04:55,373 --> 00:04:58,441
The real Jesus was white.

105
00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,496
Ed, brown or white, Jesus is only there

106
00:05:02,580 --> 00:05:05,082
to make us feel guilty
about masturbating.

107
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:06,883
Son, what are you doing here?

108
00:05:06,951 --> 00:05:08,391
Well, I can't make it tomorrow night.

109
00:05:08,419 --> 00:05:09,659
I've got a thing with my group.

110
00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:11,254
So I thought I'd just come tonight.

111
00:05:11,305 --> 00:05:13,006
But tomorrow's Christmas Eve.

112
00:05:13,091 --> 00:05:15,372
That's our mass. We always do
Christmas Eve mass together.

113
00:05:15,393 --> 00:05:17,127
Be careful.

114
00:05:17,178 --> 00:05:19,596
Brown baby Jesus is gonna get you.

115
00:05:21,683 --> 00:05:23,150
Oh, Charlie.

116
00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:25,569
Why do you always put me
through hell at Christmastime?

117
00:05:25,636 --> 00:05:26,970
What have I ever done
to you at Christmastime?

118
00:05:27,021 --> 00:05:28,805
Oh, please, Charlie.

119
00:05:28,856 --> 00:05:31,324
Ever since you were a kid, you'd
find something every year.

120
00:05:31,409 --> 00:05:34,695
Who put the Cincinnati Reds
ball cap on the Virgin Mary?

121
00:05:34,779 --> 00:05:36,997
All right, fine, that was me, but
the Reds won the Series that year.

122
00:05:37,081 --> 00:05:40,083
All right. And who put the hot
sauce in the Communion wine?

123
00:05:41,669 --> 00:05:43,503
Okay, I did not pour any hot...

124
00:05:43,588 --> 00:05:45,288
( Laughs )

125
00:05:45,339 --> 00:05:48,759
Okay, that was me. It was
pretty funny, though, right?

126
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:51,511
And who locked Father Cosgrove

127
00:05:51,596 --> 00:05:53,597
in the confessional box overnight?

128
00:05:53,664 --> 00:05:56,850
You told me you did that
when you were 12 years old.

129
00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:59,770
I was just a kid. What do you expect?

130
00:06:02,339 --> 00:06:03,940
Wow.

131
00:06:04,008 --> 00:06:07,027
Looks like a CVS in August in here.

132
00:06:07,111 --> 00:06:10,197
I thought we needed a little
Christmas around this place.

133
00:06:10,281 --> 00:06:14,034
Oh, here, your secret
Santa left you a gift.

134
00:06:15,570 --> 00:06:17,621
But it's just the two of us.

135
00:06:17,688 --> 00:06:19,689
And if it didn't come from me,

136
00:06:19,741 --> 00:06:21,541
then, hmm.

137
00:06:26,714 --> 00:06:29,365
A motorized tie rack?

138
00:06:29,417 --> 00:06:32,135
Somebody's been shopping on SkyMall.

139
00:06:32,203 --> 00:06:33,837
What'd you get me?

140
00:06:33,888 --> 00:06:36,757
Well, I know how much
Christmas means to you.

141
00:06:36,841 --> 00:06:39,142
So I got you the best gift of all.

142
00:06:40,762 --> 00:06:43,230
Friendship and understanding.

143
00:06:43,314 --> 00:06:45,432
Good.

144
00:06:45,516 --> 00:06:47,851
Maybe now I can understand

145
00:06:47,902 --> 00:06:50,771
why my friend didn't get me a gift.

146
00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:53,190
You're welcome.

147
00:06:55,493 --> 00:06:56,777
Hey, Charlie.

148
00:06:56,861 --> 00:06:58,695
Sasha?

149
00:06:58,746 --> 00:07:00,266
Wow. What the hell are you doing here?

150
00:07:00,331 --> 00:07:02,582
I just flew in. I missed you.

151
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,201
Aw.

152
00:07:04,252 --> 00:07:07,003
Oh, I'm sorry. Jordan, this is Sasha.

153
00:07:07,071 --> 00:07:09,923
Sasha and I used to go out and then
she left town without calling.

154
00:07:10,007 --> 00:07:12,709
And now she's back without calling.
Sasha's very spontaneous.

155
00:07:14,078 --> 00:07:15,679
I really am.

156
00:07:15,746 --> 00:07:17,464
I just spontaneously quit my job.

157
00:07:17,548 --> 00:07:19,132
I was tired of prostituting myself.

158
00:07:19,217 --> 00:07:20,717
Oh, what did you do?

159
00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:22,352
Oh, I was a prostitute.

160
00:07:25,256 --> 00:07:27,590
Oh.

161
00:07:27,642 --> 00:07:29,226
But the past is the past, right?

162
00:07:29,277 --> 00:07:30,944
Totally.

163
00:07:31,028 --> 00:07:32,979
I used to sell frozen yogurt.

164
00:07:34,148 --> 00:07:35,732
Which isn't the same.

165
00:07:39,654 --> 00:07:42,322
- I can't believe you're back.
- Yeah.

166
00:07:42,406 --> 00:07:46,543
Listen, I feel really bad
about the way I left town.

167
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:49,629
So how'd you like to go to Hawaii?

168
00:07:49,714 --> 00:07:51,248
What?

169
00:07:51,299 --> 00:07:52,833
My friend's fiancé owns this yacht

170
00:07:52,917 --> 00:07:54,637
which has to be in Maui
by, like, yesterday.

171
00:07:54,669 --> 00:07:58,088
We would have the whole
yacht to ourselves.

172
00:07:58,139 --> 00:08:00,974
- When do we leave?
- Tonight. 9:00 P.M. sharp.

173
00:08:01,058 --> 00:08:03,510
But tonight's Christmas Eve.

174
00:08:03,594 --> 00:08:06,563
I can be at your place at 8:00.
Is that a problem?

175
00:08:06,630 --> 00:08:08,899
Well, I invited some of
my patients over at 7:00

176
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:09,900
and I can't just kick them out.

177
00:08:09,967 --> 00:08:11,601
Four-star treatment.

178
00:08:11,652 --> 00:08:13,820
Anything your heart desires.

179
00:08:13,905 --> 00:08:15,355
Hmm.

180
00:08:15,439 --> 00:08:18,474
What about waffles?

181
00:08:18,526 --> 00:08:21,778
Yup, but they don't have any plates.

182
00:08:21,829 --> 00:08:24,948
So you might have to eat it
off a cabin buddy.

183
00:08:24,999 --> 00:08:26,867
Do you have a cabin buddy?

184
00:08:26,951 --> 00:08:29,221
I do now.

185
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:33,409
Anger Management 2x46
- Charlie and the Christmas Hooker -
Original air date December 19, 2013

186
00:08:33,455 --> 00:08:35,955
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com

187
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,350
I suck at this thing.

188
00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:40,053
I haven't hit Santa Bobo's face once.

189
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,289
You hit yourself in the face twice.
That's pretty good.

190
00:08:43,340 --> 00:08:45,291
Are you done, Lacey?
I'm starting to clean up.

191
00:08:45,342 --> 00:08:47,427
I'm done with food, yes.

192
00:08:47,478 --> 00:08:50,647
But champagne and I have decided
to get to know each other better.

193
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:53,733
Thank you, champagne, I think
you're fun and bubbly, too.

194
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:56,102
( Laughs )
He's not your friend.

195
00:08:56,153 --> 00:08:58,188
He's just trying to get you drunk so he can
watch you have sex with strangers later.

196
00:08:58,272 --> 00:09:00,406
- Now give it.
- No!

197
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:02,825
Hey, what happened to Ed?
He never showed up.

198
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,495
Well, if my Christmas wish came true,

199
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:08,281
he suddenly woke up
at the NAACP headquarters

200
00:09:08,332 --> 00:09:11,201
and has to decorate
for Kwanzaa with RuPaul.

201
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:13,653
Okay, everybody, I think
we all had a good time.

202
00:09:13,704 --> 00:09:15,421
We should make this
an annual holiday tradition.

203
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:18,091
So thanks for coming.
I'll see you later.

204
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,426
What are you talking about?
We've only been here an hour.

205
00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,295
Yeah, why are you trying
to rush us out of here?

206
00:09:22,346 --> 00:09:26,132
It's just every Christmas Eve
I sit by myself,

207
00:09:26,183 --> 00:09:28,464
open a bottle of scotch and
watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

208
00:09:28,469 --> 00:09:30,836
Always gets me at the end
when Jimmy Stewart

209
00:09:30,888 --> 00:09:32,805
jumps off that bridge and kills himself.

210
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:36,142
All right. Out you go.

211
00:09:39,313 --> 00:09:40,780
Sorry I'm late.

212
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:43,116
I just stole

213
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,518
the Mexican baby Jesus.

214
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,205
Damn it, Ed.

215
00:09:49,290 --> 00:09:51,374
If white baby Jesus
finds out about this,

216
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:52,525
he's gonna be very pissed.

217
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,964
Wow. This is great.

218
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:01,551
What kind of study are you
conducting in here?

219
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,869
- A sex study.
- Oh.

220
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,421
That's cool.

221
00:10:05,506 --> 00:10:07,006
Examining what parts of sex?

222
00:10:07,057 --> 00:10:10,593
Mostly the sex parts.

223
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:13,179
- Oh.
- You know, the one discovery we made...

224
00:10:13,230 --> 00:10:16,716
and I share this for no other reason
than it's an interesting fact...

225
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,852
the best sex is between two people

226
00:10:19,903 --> 00:10:22,572
who barely know each other.

227
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:25,408
I'm sorry, what was your name again?
( Laughs )

228
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,527
- Sean?
- Jordan, hey.

229
00:10:27,578 --> 00:10:29,612
- What are you doing here?
- I work here.

230
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:32,031
Of course, as my intern

231
00:10:32,082 --> 00:10:35,785
who always has my back
and is so understanding.

232
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,837
What the hell are you doing here?

233
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:40,757
Oh, the doctor was just
showing me his office.

234
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,743
Doctor?

235
00:10:43,794 --> 00:10:47,513
He's not a doctor.
He's a strip club manager.

236
00:10:48,932 --> 00:10:50,516
- You are?
- Yeah.

237
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:53,603
I'm strip club managing my way
through medical school.

238
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:56,723
Which is... there's
nothing wrong with that.

239
00:10:56,774 --> 00:10:59,142
People do it all the time.

240
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:04,697
Are you kidding? Why would you do that?

241
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,199
- You're pathetic.
- <i>You know what?</i>

242
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,785
At least I'm trying to get
laid on Christmas Eve

243
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,287
instead of sitting in my office working.

244
00:11:11,372 --> 00:11:15,107
I wasn't working. I was
playing Sims on my computer.

245
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:17,443
And for your information,
all the characters I created

246
00:11:17,494 --> 00:11:19,128
are having really hot sex right now.

247
00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:23,949
How are the graphics on that?

248
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:26,919
( Sighs )

249
00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:28,805
Is this seriously what you're doing?

250
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,008
I have a Christmas tree at home,

251
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,677
but I can't bring myself
to decorate it alone.

252
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:37,430
Okay. Ahem.

253
00:11:37,481 --> 00:11:40,983
Let's go back to your place and we'll
both decorate your tree together.

254
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,486
- Oh, please.
- Come on, let's do it.

255
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,638
It'll be great.

256
00:11:45,689 --> 00:11:48,074
Oh, who am I kidding? It'll be okay.

257
00:11:51,161 --> 00:11:53,496
Ed, this is crazy. You
can't steal the son of God

258
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,914
on Christmas Eve.

259
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,582
Too late.

260
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,868
I already did.

261
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:02,038
This is worse than when you grabbed
that dwarf in that bar and said,

262
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,123
"Caught me a leprechaun.
Let's get his gold."

263
00:12:05,843 --> 00:12:07,159
What are you gonna do with it?

264
00:12:07,211 --> 00:12:09,095
I don't know.

265
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,164
Throwing it away
would seem like blasphemy,

266
00:12:12,216 --> 00:12:15,601
but putting it back
would be blasphemy, too.

267
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,687
I'm pretty sure I know what to do here,

268
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:21,023
but I'm gonna need the definition
of the word blasphemy.

269
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:25,395
All I know is Jesus was not a Mexican.

270
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,697
He was white with blue eyes.

271
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:31,451
That's why the crucifixion is so sad.

272
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,786
<i>( Knocking )</i>
It's your dad!

273
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,657
Not yours, Jesus. Yours, Charlie.

274
00:12:37,708 --> 00:12:39,625
Martin: <i>Charlie, open up.</i>

275
00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:42,545
- <i>I know you're in there.</i>
- Damn it, he knows.

276
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:46,165
All right, everybody in the kitchen.
I'll take care of this.

277
00:12:46,216 --> 00:12:48,000
Don't worry. I know you're
gonna make everything better.

278
00:12:48,051 --> 00:12:50,636
- Thank you, Lacey.
- I was talking to the champagne.

279
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,090
( Knocking )

280
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,877
Merry Christmas, Dad.

281
00:12:57,928 --> 00:12:59,595
Egg roll?

282
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,682
Don't you "merry Christmas
egg roll" me, you thief.

283
00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,817
You wouldn't let me in because
you're trying to hide it.

284
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,519
Me?

285
00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:08,571
What would I even do with a Jesus doll?

286
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,406
Then how would you even know
what I was talking about?

287
00:13:10,491 --> 00:13:12,558
Oh, please. It's all over the TV.

288
00:13:12,609 --> 00:13:14,577
That and a story about some drunk elf

289
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:17,196
at a mall groping local MILFs.

290
00:13:17,247 --> 00:13:18,898
Now listen to me.

291
00:13:18,949 --> 00:13:21,066
You get the baby Jesus
back in his manger

292
00:13:21,118 --> 00:13:23,169
by midnight mass and there'll
be no questions asked.

293
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,872
Otherwise, I'm telling
everybody who did it

294
00:13:25,923 --> 00:13:28,040
and where he lives.

295
00:13:28,091 --> 00:13:30,793
- Dad, come on.
- <i>Feliz Navidad, mi hijo.</i>

296
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,600
All right, guys, you can come out now.
My dad's gone.

297
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,769
Haven't said that since high school.

298
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,138
All right, Ed, give it to me.

299
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:43,473
I'm taking Jesus back to the manger.

300
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:44,757
- No.
- Yes, give it to me, Ed.

301
00:13:44,775 --> 00:13:46,726
- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

302
00:13:46,777 --> 00:13:48,528
Give it to me.

303
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,487
Well, obviously it was made in Mexico.

304
00:13:57,571 --> 00:14:00,623
I was kind of hoping
candy was gonna come out.

305
00:14:04,388 --> 00:14:06,906
So, in the middle of winter
during a blizzard,

306
00:14:06,992 --> 00:14:08,692
the entire family ate popsicles

307
00:14:08,743 --> 00:14:11,895
so I would have enough sticks
to finish my reindeer.

308
00:14:11,947 --> 00:14:15,533
Wow. You'd think only one or two of
these ornaments would have a story,

309
00:14:15,584 --> 00:14:18,536
but it's every single one.

310
00:14:18,603 --> 00:14:20,838
Here we go.

311
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:27,044
Wow.

312
00:14:27,095 --> 00:14:28,596
It's really beautiful.

313
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,347
Yeah.

314
00:14:30,415 --> 00:14:32,416
You know,

315
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:35,436
I actually don't hate
this softer side of you.

316
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,721
Thank you. I am a sensitive guy.

317
00:14:37,772 --> 00:14:39,756
I cried at my dad's funeral.

318
00:14:39,808 --> 00:14:41,859
<i>( Teakettle whistling )</i>

319
00:14:41,926 --> 00:14:44,428
Oh, two peppermint cocoas coming up.

320
00:14:44,479 --> 00:14:47,865
Oh, that was the kettle. I was hoping
maybe it was the Christmas train.

321
00:14:47,932 --> 00:14:49,233
( Laughs )

322
00:14:49,284 --> 00:14:51,452
<i>This has been so much fun.</i>

323
00:14:51,536 --> 00:14:53,571
<i>I am so excited for what's next.</i>

324
00:14:53,622 --> 00:14:54,905
Me, too.

325
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:58,275
Wait until you see
"White Christmas" in HD.

326
00:14:58,326 --> 00:15:01,412
You can see every... oh, my God!

327
00:15:02,964 --> 00:15:05,115
You know how to tie a bow fast.

328
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,751
I'm guessing you have a lot of
throw pillows on your bed,

329
00:15:07,802 --> 00:15:11,555
so I'm fine with doing this
right there on the couch.

330
00:15:11,623 --> 00:15:13,557
We are not having sex, Sean.

331
00:15:13,625 --> 00:15:15,342
What the hell is wrong with you?

332
00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:18,729
Wait, so you invited a guy
with abs like these

333
00:15:18,796 --> 00:15:21,899
over to decorate a tree?

334
00:15:21,966 --> 00:15:23,934
Put your pants on.

335
00:15:23,985 --> 00:15:26,520
Fine.

336
00:15:26,605 --> 00:15:29,406
( Sighs )
Boy, I really misread this situation.

337
00:15:33,144 --> 00:15:34,695
Yeah, maybe you should go.

338
00:15:34,779 --> 00:15:36,530
No, no, no. Come on. Let me stay.

339
00:15:36,615 --> 00:15:38,582
I'm sorry. It's my bad, all right?

340
00:15:42,287 --> 00:15:44,121
I'm actually having a good time.

341
00:15:44,172 --> 00:15:46,540
Fine.

342
00:15:46,625 --> 00:15:48,509
So...

343
00:15:50,345 --> 00:15:52,596
do you wax or something?

344
00:15:52,664 --> 00:15:55,099
Not that I looked.

345
00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:57,167
It's a combination, actually.
I wax the chest,

346
00:15:57,219 --> 00:15:59,136
I laser the stomach, and then the rest

347
00:15:59,187 --> 00:16:02,139
is friction due to usage.

348
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:05,309
So your ornament has a story, too.

349
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:11,732
Is the glue dry on Jesus yet?
This is taking forever.

350
00:16:11,816 --> 00:16:14,652
Relax. It took God
seven days to make the world.

351
00:16:14,703 --> 00:16:17,988
I think you can give me five minutes
to glue His son's head back on.

352
00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:20,541
Ed, as soon as this thing is fixed,

353
00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:21,875
you're taking it back to the church.

354
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,993
I am not gonna be on the hook for this.

355
00:16:23,044 --> 00:16:25,162
Okay, but it's Christmas Eve.

356
00:16:25,213 --> 00:16:26,747
The place is packed.

357
00:16:26,831 --> 00:16:29,800
And they moved
the Nativity scene inside.

358
00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:31,885
How are we gonna put it back?

359
00:16:31,970 --> 00:16:33,420
Well, maybe you should have
thought about that

360
00:16:33,505 --> 00:16:36,890
before you stuffed the savior
of man inside your jacket, Ed.

361
00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:39,042
All done.

362
00:16:39,094 --> 00:16:41,645
I give you Franken-Jesus.

363
00:16:43,515 --> 00:16:45,482
All right, I have an idea,
but we're all gonna have to go.

364
00:16:45,550 --> 00:16:47,735
Ooh, a Christmas adventure.

365
00:16:47,819 --> 00:16:50,721
This is so much more fun
than shoplifting.

366
00:16:50,772 --> 00:16:53,453
We've got to do it quick. My movie
will be here in about 20 minutes.

367
00:16:55,076 --> 00:16:56,777
I ordered it on pay-per-view.

368
00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:00,864
Aloha, sailor.

369
00:17:00,915 --> 00:17:02,950
That must be Jimmy Stewart.

370
00:17:04,336 --> 00:17:05,536
Ever time a therapist lies,

371
00:17:05,587 --> 00:17:08,071
an angel gets its wings.

372
00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:09,540
All right, all right. Come
on, guys, get in the car.

373
00:17:09,591 --> 00:17:12,409
Get in the car. I'll be right there.

374
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:15,713
Wait, what's going on?
The boat's about to leave.

375
00:17:15,764 --> 00:17:18,098
Slight change of plans. I'll be back
in 20 minutes. Half hour, tops.

376
00:17:18,183 --> 00:17:19,916
Half hour? We don't have a half hour.

377
00:17:19,968 --> 00:17:21,802
I understand,

378
00:17:21,886 --> 00:17:24,722
but one of my patients
stole a Mexican baby

379
00:17:24,773 --> 00:17:28,025
and I pulled its head off, then
I tried to put it back on.

380
00:17:28,092 --> 00:17:30,811
You know what? This story
is not that interesting.

381
00:17:30,895 --> 00:17:32,055
Wait here. I'll be right back.

382
00:17:32,063 --> 00:17:33,614
Okay, I'll wait as long as I can.

383
00:17:33,698 --> 00:17:36,283
But, hey, I really don't
want to go without you.

384
00:17:36,368 --> 00:17:39,236
Don't worry, sweetie.
I got this under control.

385
00:17:39,287 --> 00:17:41,989
- The head fell off again.
- I've got to go.

386
00:17:45,711 --> 00:17:47,762
Okay, are people gonna buy this?

387
00:17:47,847 --> 00:17:49,881
Yes. Between the pillow
and the baby Jesus

388
00:17:49,932 --> 00:17:51,933
shoved up your dress,
you look completely pregnant.

389
00:17:52,018 --> 00:17:54,386
You know what? This is
gonna be a real easy birth

390
00:17:54,437 --> 00:17:56,972
'cause I'm hammered.

391
00:17:57,056 --> 00:17:59,924
All right, Lacey and I are gonna
go to the front of the church.

392
00:17:59,976 --> 00:18:02,310
The rest of you are gonna make a scene. I
need everybody in here looking at you guys.

393
00:18:02,395 --> 00:18:04,595
Well, I am wearing a Hugo Boss blazer.

394
00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:07,265
What are you guys gonna do?

395
00:18:07,316 --> 00:18:08,783
All right, Lace.

396
00:18:08,868 --> 00:18:10,819
Let's put this thing back
in the manger. Come on.

397
00:18:10,903 --> 00:18:13,863
Ed, last week Nolan sneezed on your
muffin and made me promise not to tell.

398
00:18:13,906 --> 00:18:15,907
Well, I'm telling.

399
00:18:15,958 --> 00:18:19,577
That's disgusting. You ought to
have a tissue put over your face.

400
00:18:19,628 --> 00:18:22,280
( Arguing loudly )
Scoot over. Sorry.

401
00:18:23,782 --> 00:18:25,283
- Give me the baby.
- All right.

402
00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:30,422
- It won't come out.
- What?

403
00:18:30,473 --> 00:18:32,123
It's stuck.

404
00:18:32,174 --> 00:18:35,010
I think the glue dried on my stomach.

405
00:18:35,094 --> 00:18:37,178
- Help me get this thing out of me.
- All right.

406
00:18:37,263 --> 00:18:39,564
Put your hands on his head and push.

407
00:18:39,631 --> 00:18:42,400
( Moaning )
It hurts.

408
00:18:42,468 --> 00:18:45,403
It hurts. I need another drink.

409
00:18:45,471 --> 00:18:48,573
This is all your fault.
( Moaning )

410
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,808
Martin, isn't that your son?

411
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:54,362
I've never seen that man
before in my life.

412
00:18:54,447 --> 00:18:56,814
Come on, push. Push, woman.

413
00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,867
( Screams )

414
00:19:02,455 --> 00:19:05,540
Lo...

415
00:19:05,624 --> 00:19:09,010
a child is born of a virgin.

416
00:19:09,095 --> 00:19:11,713
And also this woman has had a child.

417
00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:16,518
( Crowd gasps )

418
00:19:17,887 --> 00:19:19,837
And to all a good night. Run!

419
00:19:23,342 --> 00:19:25,060
So even though I had shingles,

420
00:19:25,144 --> 00:19:28,313
it was still my most
favorite Christmas ever.

421
00:19:28,364 --> 00:19:30,565
Well, one Halloween I banged
a chick with half a foot,

422
00:19:30,649 --> 00:19:32,200
so she was pretty gross, too.

423
00:19:33,819 --> 00:19:35,820
See? Isn't this good?

424
00:19:35,871 --> 00:19:38,573
Us hanging out being friends.

425
00:19:38,657 --> 00:19:41,042
Genitals properly covered.

426
00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:44,546
It is. You're a great, smart woman.

427
00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:47,165
- You're a lot of fun.
- Really?

428
00:19:47,216 --> 00:19:49,134
I don't usually get fun.

429
00:19:49,201 --> 00:19:51,219
I've gotten "perky"

430
00:19:51,303 --> 00:19:53,204
and a "lot to digest."

431
00:19:56,058 --> 00:19:57,708
Let's put on some holiday music.

432
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,727
Okay.

433
00:20:01,147 --> 00:20:03,381
Do you prefer Barbra Streisand

434
00:20:03,432 --> 00:20:05,483
or Neil Diamond?

435
00:20:05,551 --> 00:20:07,185
I forgot about this one.

436
00:20:07,236 --> 00:20:09,487
( Screams )

437
00:20:09,555 --> 00:20:11,489
I think Neil Diamond.

438
00:20:12,658 --> 00:20:15,243
What are you doing?

439
00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:19,230
You're a chick with shingles.
Come on, let's do this.

440
00:20:19,281 --> 00:20:22,500
Get out. I am not having sex with you.

441
00:20:24,236 --> 00:20:26,077
I don't know what kind
of games you're playing.

442
00:20:31,410 --> 00:20:33,878
<i>Hey, so, seriously, what are
you doing for New Year's?</i>

443
00:20:38,884 --> 00:20:41,136
Sasha?

444
00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:43,021
Oh, damn it.

445
00:20:48,527 --> 00:20:49,944
Hope you don't mind.

446
00:20:50,029 --> 00:20:52,313
I already unwrapped
your Christmas present.

447
00:20:52,398 --> 00:20:55,533
It's exactly what I asked for.

448
00:20:55,601 --> 00:20:58,119
And that mall Santa looked
at me like I was crazy.

449
00:21:00,489 --> 00:21:02,457
So what happened to Hawaii?

450
00:21:02,541 --> 00:21:05,293
- I thought you already left?
- I was gonna go.

451
00:21:05,377 --> 00:21:09,664
But then I realized it wouldn't
be as much fun without you there.

452
00:21:10,509 --> 00:21:13,444
Thank you, brown baby Jesus!

453
00:21:13,469 --> 00:21:25,469
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com