1
00:00:00,367 --> 00:00:02,257
So, anyways, I guess Patrick's not here
2
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:03,754
because he's angry I told him
3
00:00:03,821 --> 00:00:06,340
he couldn't come with me
to go wedding dress shopping.
4
00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,342
Maybe I should have mentioned this
earlier, but you guys do know
5
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,594
we're in an anger management
therapy group, right?
6
00:00:10,661 --> 00:00:13,880
Maybe I said no because I'm
starting to feel guilty
7
00:00:13,965 --> 00:00:16,383
about screwing my parents
out of a million dollars
8
00:00:16,467 --> 00:00:18,308
with this whole fake marriage
to Patrick thing.
9
00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:20,354
Awesome sharing, Lacey.
10
00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,940
You know, you were right. Focusing
on chopping up this apple
11
00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:25,609
has allowed me to drop
my defenses and tell the truth.
12
00:00:25,676 --> 00:00:28,979
Now you can put
the apple slices of honesty
13
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,398
into the pitcher of healing.
14
00:00:31,482 --> 00:00:33,784
I'm starting to think
this is not therapy.
15
00:00:33,851 --> 00:00:37,154
I think we're making you sangria.
16
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,189
That's crazy, Ed.
17
00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:41,601
Now, Nolan, if you'll start
slicing up the orange of courage,
18
00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:43,794
I will pour in the brandy
of self-forgiveness.
19
00:00:45,830 --> 00:00:48,498
I got attacked by a duck
at the park yesterday.
20
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:51,218
I take back what I said earlier.
21
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:54,388
You could be a bigger pussy.
22
00:00:54,472 --> 00:00:56,206
He stole my brownie.
23
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,557
And then when I tried to get it back,
24
00:00:57,642 --> 00:01:00,710
he went all quack-ass crazy on me.
25
00:01:00,762 --> 00:01:02,729
Here's your orange.
26
00:01:04,682 --> 00:01:08,068
Okay, now I'm going
to add in the wine of...
27
00:01:10,688 --> 00:01:13,023
we're all done.
28
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:14,825
Oh, wait, look.
29
00:01:14,892 --> 00:01:17,828
We did make sangria.
30
00:01:17,895 --> 00:01:19,729
And maybe even a little bit of progress.
31
00:01:19,781 --> 00:01:22,232
See you all next week.
32
00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:26,837
I need to talk to you.
33
00:01:26,904 --> 00:01:28,505
Hang on.
34
00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:30,240
Almost ready.
35
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:36,463
Ah. Shoot.
36
00:01:38,082 --> 00:01:39,916
My sister Jessie's coming to town.
37
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,968
I think she wants to apologize
for stealing my husband.
38
00:01:42,053 --> 00:01:43,603
Your identical twin, right?
39
00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:45,472
Well, we're not identical anymore.
40
00:01:45,556 --> 00:01:47,858
She dyed her hair
and got huge breast implants.
41
00:01:47,925 --> 00:01:49,526
Oh.
42
00:01:49,593 --> 00:01:52,029
Have you considered
becoming identical again?
43
00:01:52,096 --> 00:01:53,947
It's not funny.
44
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:55,982
I don't think that I could
ever forgive her
45
00:01:56,067 --> 00:01:58,068
for what she did.
46
00:01:58,119 --> 00:02:01,104
Especially after she had my
dream wedding at Disneyland
47
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,990
married by Mickey.
48
00:02:04,075 --> 00:02:06,877
Huh, that's a tough spot you're in.
49
00:02:06,944 --> 00:02:10,630
Now, when you say huge,
50
00:02:10,715 --> 00:02:12,716
are you talking like 38D?
51
00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:15,618
Look, I didn't want
to talk to you about this,
52
00:02:15,670 --> 00:02:18,755
but my AA sponsor said that I
should talk to a therapist.
53
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,892
Is that sangria? Can I have some?
54
00:02:21,959 --> 00:02:23,793
- You're an alcoholic.
- You're right.
55
00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,645
I shouldn't put you in that position.
56
00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:28,849
Do me a favor. Take a big drink
57
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,567
and breathe on me.
58
00:02:30,634 --> 00:02:32,235
Sure.
59
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,325
Ah!
60
00:02:39,977 --> 00:02:42,696
Couple more oranges
and another splash of brandy
61
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:44,814
and it'll be perfect.
62
00:02:44,866 --> 00:02:47,200
Wow, you are good.
63
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:50,921
So my sister and I are
getting together tonight
64
00:02:50,988 --> 00:02:54,458
and I just know we are
going to get into a fight.
65
00:02:54,509 --> 00:02:56,042
Will you please mediate?
66
00:02:56,127 --> 00:02:57,878
Sure.
67
00:02:57,962 --> 00:03:01,164
Come on over at, like, 38D and
we'll straighten it all out.
68
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:04,101
Did you just say 38D?
69
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:06,669
No. It's funny that's what you heard.
70
00:03:06,721 --> 00:03:08,522
We'll feel that up tonight.
71
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,998
Honestly, I meant explore.
72
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:17,058
Anger Management 2x49
- Charlie and the Twins -
Original air date February 6, 2014
73
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:19,182
God, if I sit down in this dress,
74
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:20,867
people will see everything.
75
00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:24,187
It's absolutely perfect.
76
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,022
Are you sure it's not too much?
77
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,525
No, I want to look hot.
78
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:29,709
Haven't you ever been to a wedding?
79
00:03:29,794 --> 00:03:31,244
It's a great place to meet men.
80
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,214
I'm sorry I'm late.
81
00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,216
What do you think, Daddy?
82
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:39,586
- You look like a slut.
- Awesome, I'll take it.
83
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:42,005
No, she won't.
84
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,591
Now close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.
85
00:03:44,675 --> 00:03:46,709
Okay. Is it more money?
86
00:03:46,761 --> 00:03:49,262
It's your sister.
87
00:03:49,347 --> 00:03:53,150
Oh, my God. It's been months.
88
00:03:53,217 --> 00:03:56,553
You look so much older.
89
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,940
And you look so much fatter.
90
00:04:00,024 --> 00:04:01,074
Whore.
91
00:04:01,159 --> 00:04:02,442
Fat whore.
92
00:04:02,527 --> 00:04:03,994
That's enough.
93
00:04:04,061 --> 00:04:05,902
Two words she's never
said at the dinner table.
94
00:04:05,947 --> 00:04:08,114
I am not fat.
95
00:04:08,199 --> 00:04:10,733
I need to go to the Armani store.
96
00:04:10,785 --> 00:04:13,336
When I get back, the two of
you better have made up.
97
00:04:13,404 --> 00:04:15,622
We do not fight in this family.
98
00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:18,842
We blackmail, we backstab,
99
00:04:18,909 --> 00:04:22,262
we slowly poison, but we do not fight.
100
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:28,552
So what piece of Eurotrash
101
00:04:28,603 --> 00:04:31,688
has to marry you to stay in the country?
102
00:04:31,755 --> 00:04:33,590
Well, you're gonna be at the wedding,
103
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:36,193
so you're going to find out anyway.
104
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:38,445
It's Patrick.
105
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,530
Patrick from your
anger management group?
106
00:04:40,598 --> 00:04:42,232
He's gay.
107
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,568
No, he's not. He used to be.
108
00:04:44,619 --> 00:04:46,369
But now he's, like, totally straight
109
00:04:46,437 --> 00:04:48,371
and really into vaginae and stuff.
110
00:04:48,439 --> 00:04:50,440
Right.
111
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,493
You're just marrying him
to get money out of Mom and Dad.
112
00:04:53,578 --> 00:04:55,245
No, I'm not. We're in love.
113
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:58,281
Oh, please. I bet they're giving
you half a million dollars.
114
00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,616
No, they're not.
115
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,635
It's a million.
116
00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:05,005
- A million dollars?!
- Shh!
117
00:05:05,089 --> 00:05:07,290
Promise you won't tell
anyone, okay, little sister?
118
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:10,477
Of course I'm not gonna tell anyone.
119
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,563
Because you're gonna buy me that
Badgley Mischka bridesmaid dress.
120
00:05:13,631 --> 00:05:16,066
What? That thing costs like $25,000
121
00:05:16,133 --> 00:05:18,468
and you would totally
upstage me at my own wedding.
122
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,987
30,000 and I would have
done that anyway.
123
00:05:21,072 --> 00:05:23,857
I should have continued slowly
poisoning you when we were kids.
124
00:05:23,941 --> 00:05:25,158
What did you say?
125
00:05:25,243 --> 00:05:26,526
I said I should have continued
126
00:05:26,611 --> 00:05:28,528
slowly poisoning you when we were kids.
127
00:05:31,815 --> 00:05:34,317
All right. Jessie and
I just had our talk.
128
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,504
She's grabbing some coffee, then
the three of us will all sit down.
129
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,839
How'd it go?
130
00:05:39,924 --> 00:05:42,825
She feels awful and wants to
get everything off her chest.
131
00:05:42,877 --> 00:05:45,262
Her way-too-big chest?
132
00:05:45,329 --> 00:05:47,764
Look, whether it's way
too big or actually perfect
133
00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:50,667
for her frame is not the issue here.
134
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,053
Jessie, come on in. We're all set.
135
00:05:56,641 --> 00:05:59,809
- Hey, Jordy.
- Hello, Jessica.
136
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,011
I think Jessie has something to say
137
00:06:02,063 --> 00:06:05,649
and, Jordy, because that's what
I'll be calling you from now on,
138
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:06,983
I ask you to be open.
139
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,035
I can be open.
140
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,322
Maybe not quite as open as your
legs with my husband, but open.
141
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,708
Jordy.
142
00:06:17,027 --> 00:06:18,545
I'm listening.
143
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,468
Look, there's nothing I can say
144
00:06:25,536 --> 00:06:26,886
that will make this better.
145
00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:29,639
All I can tell you
is that I am truly sorry
146
00:06:29,707 --> 00:06:32,092
and I miss my sister.
147
00:06:32,176 --> 00:06:34,711
I just want to know why you did it.
148
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:37,647
I think that maybe because
149
00:06:37,715 --> 00:06:39,816
I was jealous of you.
150
00:06:39,883 --> 00:06:41,351
What? No.
151
00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,886
Yeah, you got all the smarts
152
00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:47,157
and I was just left with the personality
153
00:06:47,224 --> 00:06:48,742
and the looks.
154
00:06:50,328 --> 00:06:52,445
But we're identical twins.
155
00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:54,748
Oh, come on, you know there's
always slight differences.
156
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:56,916
Everyone always wants to get with me
157
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:59,169
and you can do...
158
00:06:59,236 --> 00:07:01,838
algebra.
159
00:07:01,905 --> 00:07:03,456
I am pretty, damn it.
160
00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:05,908
Why do you always try to make
me feel like I'm not pretty?
161
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,094
Look, I love you,
but you have got to admit
162
00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:10,259
that the alcoholism has taken
a little bit of a toll.
163
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,100
You've developed
kind of a beer bottle mouth.
164
00:07:14,185 --> 00:07:16,302
Okay, that's it.
165
00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:17,754
All right, all right.
Come here. Come here.
166
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,273
Enough. Come on. Come here.
167
00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,359
Jessie, it was nice to meet you.
168
00:07:22,426 --> 00:07:25,812
I think it would good for
Jordan to spend some alone time
169
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:29,399
and reflect on the apology
she's obviously accepted.
170
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:31,701
See? This is what she was like as a kid.
171
00:07:31,769 --> 00:07:34,287
I will pop your boobs.
172
00:07:34,372 --> 00:07:35,739
She's strong. Go.
173
00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:38,908
You can't hide!
174
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,277
I'm smart. I'll find you!
175
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,279
I know how to triangulate!
176
00:07:46,346 --> 00:07:49,294
You see what I mean?
My sister's horrible.
177
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:52,701
She's a lying slut. I bet she's
not even wearing underwear.
178
00:07:52,753 --> 00:07:55,555
How the hell would I know?
I wasn't looking.
179
00:07:55,639 --> 00:07:57,757
But she is.
180
00:07:57,841 --> 00:08:00,393
The woman has got no morals.
181
00:08:00,477 --> 00:08:02,812
I bet she's cheating
on my ex-husband right now.
182
00:08:02,879 --> 00:08:04,897
She's so low, she would
even sleep with you.
183
00:08:04,982 --> 00:08:06,682
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I understand that you're angry,
184
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:08,351
but did you need to say "even"?
185
00:08:08,402 --> 00:08:11,103
I've got a great idea.
186
00:08:11,188 --> 00:08:13,739
I am going to make her suffer in a way
187
00:08:13,824 --> 00:08:15,942
she has never suffered before.
188
00:08:16,026 --> 00:08:17,743
Charlie, I want you
to have sex with her.
189
00:08:19,913 --> 00:08:22,398
Okay, now this is getting personal.
190
00:08:22,449 --> 00:08:24,750
No, this is perfect.
191
00:08:24,835 --> 00:08:26,919
You take pictures
of you two in bed together,
192
00:08:27,004 --> 00:08:28,588
I'll send them to my ex
193
00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:30,957
and wreck her marriage
just like she wrecked mine.
194
00:08:31,041 --> 00:08:33,175
Oh, come on, Jordan. Now you're
just talking out of anger.
195
00:08:33,243 --> 00:08:34,510
No, I'm not!
196
00:08:36,296 --> 00:08:38,080
So I'm guessing that's your happy vein
197
00:08:38,131 --> 00:08:39,348
popping out of your forehead?
198
00:08:39,416 --> 00:08:41,801
Okay, okay, okay.
199
00:08:41,885 --> 00:08:43,553
I will call her
200
00:08:43,604 --> 00:08:46,188
and tell her that if she wants
to get her sister back,
201
00:08:46,256 --> 00:08:48,357
- she has to make nice.
- Fine.
202
00:08:48,425 --> 00:08:50,810
Last time I ask you to do it
with a member of my family.
203
00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:54,763
But if you're ever mad at some other
204
00:08:54,815 --> 00:08:57,600
hot woman that needs
a good banging, try me.
205
00:08:57,651 --> 00:09:00,403
You'll be pleasantly surprised.
206
00:09:00,454 --> 00:09:01,770
Doubt it.
207
00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:14,750
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.
208
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:16,619
Thought we were gonna meet in the lobby.
209
00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:19,555
I know, but I really don't want to
talk about my sister in public.
210
00:09:19,623 --> 00:09:21,924
I get way too emotional. Come on in.
211
00:09:21,975 --> 00:09:24,927
Oh, okay.
212
00:09:24,978 --> 00:09:27,463
Guess this way I get
to check out a suite
213
00:09:27,514 --> 00:09:29,932
at the Sherman Oaks Suites.
214
00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:32,268
Sweet.
215
00:09:32,319 --> 00:09:34,437
I just want you to know
216
00:09:34,488 --> 00:09:37,907
that Jordan has a very
twisted perception of me.
217
00:09:37,974 --> 00:09:40,242
Could you help me get these boots off?
218
00:09:40,310 --> 00:09:43,479
- Your boots?
- They are killing me.
219
00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:45,147
Okay.
220
00:09:45,198 --> 00:09:48,084
That twisted perception
is usually a two-way street.
221
00:09:48,151 --> 00:09:50,986
The good news is that
you both started talking.
222
00:09:51,038 --> 00:09:54,206
I know, but you would think a
little miss genius psych researcher
223
00:09:54,291 --> 00:09:56,959
would have some more insight
into her own sister.
224
00:09:57,010 --> 00:09:59,462
Could you help me get this necklace off?
225
00:09:59,513 --> 00:10:01,631
I can never get it undone.
226
00:10:01,682 --> 00:10:03,832
Oh, okay.
227
00:10:06,313 --> 00:10:08,793
And what type of insight do you
think she should have into you?
228
00:10:08,805 --> 00:10:10,890
That I'm a good person.
229
00:10:10,974 --> 00:10:13,893
Not some hypersexual,
manipulative nympho.
230
00:10:13,977 --> 00:10:16,345
Could you unzip my dress? I can't...
231
00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:18,847
I can't reach it.
232
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,652
Um, okay.
233
00:10:25,202 --> 00:10:26,882
And why do you think
she sees you that way?
234
00:10:26,907 --> 00:10:29,858
I don't know. She's pretty messed up.
235
00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,961
Ooh, it's freezing.
236
00:10:32,028 --> 00:10:34,130
Can we keep talking under the covers?
237
00:10:36,299 --> 00:10:37,883
I should be going.
238
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:40,869
What? I can't hear you
with you out of bed like that.
239
00:10:44,007 --> 00:10:47,143
Jessie, I'm sorry. We can't do this.
240
00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,512
You're obviously in a power
struggle with your sister
241
00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:52,381
and this is just a ploy to gain control.
242
00:10:52,432 --> 00:10:53,849
No, it's not.
243
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:56,569
It's not?
244
00:10:56,653 --> 00:10:58,487
Oh, okay.
245
00:11:01,391 --> 00:11:05,060
Hi, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
my wedding budget's changed
246
00:11:05,112 --> 00:11:07,780
and I'm gonna have
to cancel the ice sculpture
247
00:11:07,864 --> 00:11:09,582
of the two swans kissing.
248
00:11:09,666 --> 00:11:13,569
Do you have anything smaller
like two hamsters kissing?
249
00:11:15,071 --> 00:11:17,840
No? Okay, you guys suck.
250
00:11:17,907 --> 00:11:20,176
It's open.
251
00:11:22,078 --> 00:11:24,964
- Hey, Lacey.
- Hey. What are you doing here?
252
00:11:25,048 --> 00:11:27,466
Just dropping off
Patrick's dry cleaning.
253
00:11:27,551 --> 00:11:29,135
He pays you to do his errands?
254
00:11:29,219 --> 00:11:31,353
Half of that's right.
255
00:11:31,421 --> 00:11:33,856
How long have you been doing this?
256
00:11:33,923 --> 00:11:36,776
Ever since you moved in.
But you haven't noticed
257
00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:39,862
because you're usually in the shower.
258
00:11:42,649 --> 00:11:44,116
Are you okay?
259
00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:45,934
No, I'm not okay.
260
00:11:45,986 --> 00:11:48,821
I had to take $30,000
out of my wedding budget
261
00:11:48,905 --> 00:11:50,623
to buy my sister a dress
262
00:11:50,707 --> 00:11:52,742
so she wouldn't tell my parents
what Patrick and I are doing.
263
00:11:52,793 --> 00:11:54,960
$30,000 for a dress?
Does it come with a pool?
264
00:11:55,045 --> 00:11:57,880
Right? And that's just the beginning.
265
00:11:57,947 --> 00:12:00,800
God knows what else that greedy
little brat is gonna want.
266
00:12:00,884 --> 00:12:03,786
And now I have to return
these and wear these.
267
00:12:03,837 --> 00:12:05,588
What's the difference?
268
00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:08,591
These are $3,000 more
because the bottoms are red.
269
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,127
Well, if she's gonna blackmail you,
270
00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:14,013
shouldn't you fight fire with fire?
271
00:12:14,097 --> 00:12:15,648
Perfect.
272
00:12:15,732 --> 00:12:18,434
We'll set her on fire.
273
00:12:18,485 --> 00:12:21,136
No, you've got to blackmail her back.
274
00:12:21,188 --> 00:12:22,571
Hasn't she done some bad thing
275
00:12:22,639 --> 00:12:24,440
that she wouldn't want
your parents to know about?
276
00:12:24,491 --> 00:12:26,942
Like dirty videos or something?
277
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:29,528
Hopefully.
278
00:12:29,613 --> 00:12:31,781
Oh, my God. That's brilliant.
279
00:12:31,832 --> 00:12:33,749
I think she does.
280
00:12:33,817 --> 00:12:36,585
Then we'll set her on fire.
281
00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,827
How'd it go with my sister last night?
282
00:12:44,878 --> 00:12:46,595
Were you able to turn her around?
283
00:12:49,466 --> 00:12:51,550
Couple of times.
284
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:58,224
Remember that thing
you asked me to do yesterday?
285
00:12:58,308 --> 00:13:01,143
About sleeping with your sister
and then taking pictures?
286
00:13:01,194 --> 00:13:03,512
Thank you for talking me out of that.
287
00:13:03,563 --> 00:13:06,982
Huh.
288
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:11,237
That was the stupidest thing
I have ever said.
289
00:13:11,321 --> 00:13:13,789
No, no, no. It wasn't stupid at all.
290
00:13:13,857 --> 00:13:15,691
You were hurt and you wanted revenge.
291
00:13:15,742 --> 00:13:16,959
You know what they say about revenge.
292
00:13:17,026 --> 00:13:19,245
It's very healthy.
293
00:13:19,329 --> 00:13:21,664
Don't try to make me feel better.
294
00:13:21,715 --> 00:13:23,883
What I asked you to do came from anger.
295
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,585
Thank God you were
the mature one, Charlie.
296
00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:28,137
I'm very impressed with you.
297
00:13:28,204 --> 00:13:30,539
Don't be so impressed with me.
298
00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:35,043
I am still capable of acts
299
00:13:35,095 --> 00:13:39,231
of such poor judgment,
it would blow your mind.
300
00:13:39,316 --> 00:13:42,184
I was totally wrong.
301
00:13:42,235 --> 00:13:44,987
If you had done that,
I would have been devastated.
302
00:13:45,054 --> 00:13:47,556
There is no way that
I would have ever been able
303
00:13:47,607 --> 00:13:50,109
to talk to you again if you
had had sex with my sister.
304
00:13:52,746 --> 00:13:54,864
- Jordan.
- Huh?
305
00:13:56,783 --> 00:13:58,784
Is that fresh coffee?
'Cause that smells delicious.
306
00:14:02,784 --> 00:14:04,602
Coming.
307
00:14:08,757 --> 00:14:10,483
- Hey, sis.
- What do you want?
308
00:14:10,546 --> 00:14:12,713
I was busy planning
your bachelorette party.
309
00:14:12,781 --> 00:14:14,248
You were? For me?
310
00:14:14,299 --> 00:14:16,250
Uh-huh. It's next week in Vegas.
311
00:14:16,301 --> 00:14:19,837
But I'm only inviting my
friends and you're not coming.
312
00:14:19,922 --> 00:14:22,256
Oh, and I rented a jet
and you're paying for it.
313
00:14:22,307 --> 00:14:23,958
What if I say no?
314
00:14:24,009 --> 00:14:25,960
Then I'm gonna go tell Dad
315
00:14:26,011 --> 00:14:27,628
the only thing his future son-in-law
316
00:14:27,679 --> 00:14:30,515
finds attractive about you
is your sideburns.
317
00:14:31,984 --> 00:14:34,652
Well, I guess I have no choice
318
00:14:34,736 --> 00:14:36,571
because you have all the power
319
00:14:36,638 --> 00:14:39,407
except for... screw you!
320
00:14:39,474 --> 00:14:41,576
You're gonna buy me
a scarf from Neiman Marcus?
321
00:14:43,362 --> 00:14:45,780
Wrong screen. Let me just bookmark this
322
00:14:45,831 --> 00:14:48,116
so I can buy it later.
323
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:51,152
No, I'm gonna show our parents this.
324
00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:57,291
You just sit there
325
00:14:57,342 --> 00:15:01,546
and I'm gonna give you
the show of your life.
326
00:15:03,632 --> 00:15:05,967
Sexy girl.
327
00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:10,504
Sexy twerking sex.
328
00:15:10,556 --> 00:15:12,306
So sad.
329
00:15:12,357 --> 00:15:15,026
Sexy. Sexy girl.
330
00:15:17,396 --> 00:15:20,198
I'm gonna need some help
331
00:15:20,282 --> 00:15:22,617
taking off my pants.
332
00:15:26,021 --> 00:15:28,489
Oh, he helps you with your pants
333
00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:30,908
and then he helps
you with everything else.
334
00:15:30,993 --> 00:15:33,911
Where did you get that?
335
00:15:33,996 --> 00:15:36,247
From the folder on your desktop
336
00:15:36,331 --> 00:15:38,049
called "tax receipts."
337
00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:39,867
And if you don't want people looking,
338
00:15:39,918 --> 00:15:43,137
don't put it next to the folder
titled "actual tax receipts."
339
00:15:45,674 --> 00:15:47,341
If I sink this short putt,
340
00:15:47,392 --> 00:15:49,260
I will win the first
annual Goodson-Healey
341
00:15:49,344 --> 00:15:52,513
Indoor Golf Classic and you will not.
342
00:15:52,564 --> 00:15:54,065
Good luck.
343
00:15:57,936 --> 00:16:00,488
I banged Jordan's twin sister.
344
00:16:00,555 --> 00:16:03,574
Yes. I am the champion.
345
00:16:06,278 --> 00:16:09,580
So you banged the twin
346
00:16:09,665 --> 00:16:11,199
that stole Jordan's husband?
347
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:16,237
Well, ethically, that's...
okay, well, how was it?
348
00:16:16,288 --> 00:16:18,706
Picture you're having sex with Jordan
349
00:16:18,757 --> 00:16:21,575
and then Jordan leaves
350
00:16:21,627 --> 00:16:24,212
and her twin sister comes
in who actually likes sex.
351
00:16:25,847 --> 00:16:28,132
Oh, please. Are you trying to tell me
352
00:16:28,217 --> 00:16:31,352
that if you had the chance,
you wouldn't sleep with Jordan?
353
00:16:31,419 --> 00:16:34,972
There's not enough vodka
in the... Russia.
354
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,978
Well, you know if Jordan finds out,
355
00:16:41,063 --> 00:16:44,815
that's gonna start a nuclear
chick chain reaction, right?
356
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,151
No, no, no. Luckily they
still hate each other
357
00:16:47,236 --> 00:16:48,286
and they're never gonna talk again.
358
00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:50,104
Oh, that's terrific.
359
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:56,210
Hello?
360
00:16:56,278 --> 00:16:58,079
That sounds great.
361
00:16:59,581 --> 00:17:01,999
Absolutely. Okay. I'll see you then.
362
00:17:03,635 --> 00:17:05,886
- Who was that?
- It was Jordan.
363
00:17:05,954 --> 00:17:08,422
She texted her sister.
364
00:17:08,473 --> 00:17:10,891
They're coming over tomorrow to talk.
365
00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:13,460
That's a shame.
366
00:17:15,514 --> 00:17:17,755
Listen, I don't want you to worry about it.
You know why?
367
00:17:17,766 --> 00:17:20,184
Next year I'm gonna be hosting
the Charlie Goodson
368
00:17:20,269 --> 00:17:23,321
Memorial Indoor Golf
Classic in your honor.
369
00:17:25,381 --> 00:17:27,501
You know what the trophy
is gonna be, right?
370
00:17:27,526 --> 00:17:30,278
- What's that?
- A statue of you
371
00:17:30,329 --> 00:17:32,330
unable to keep it in your pants.
372
00:17:34,499 --> 00:17:37,668
As long as my genitals are reproduced
to scale, then I'm okay with that.
373
00:17:41,047 --> 00:17:43,082
Well, she's late as usual.
374
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,167
This is so typical of my sister.
375
00:17:45,251 --> 00:17:47,036
I was born right on time.
376
00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:48,481
Then she was born three hours later
377
00:17:48,505 --> 00:17:49,922
with an umbilical cord
wrapped around her neck.
378
00:17:49,989 --> 00:17:52,041
"Look at me, my face is blue."
379
00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:55,544
You try calling her?
380
00:17:55,628 --> 00:17:57,963
I did, but her phone is always dead.
381
00:17:58,014 --> 00:17:59,548
Dead?
382
00:17:59,632 --> 00:18:01,850
What if somebody from, I don't know,
383
00:18:01,935 --> 00:18:04,803
work left her a message
about something important?
384
00:18:04,854 --> 00:18:07,689
Like what she shouldn't
say in a meeting.
385
00:18:07,774 --> 00:18:10,509
She works at the makeup
counter at Macy's.
386
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,311
Makeup people have meetings.
387
00:18:12,362 --> 00:18:15,147
Is red in? Is blue in?
Who knows without a meeting?
388
00:18:16,779 --> 00:18:18,864
Sorry I'm late.
389
00:18:18,948 --> 00:18:21,366
Somebody thought I was one of the
famous people from "Celebrity Rehab"
390
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:23,835
and bought me a drink.
391
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:27,038
Before we start, I thought
we should take a moment
392
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:30,592
to use the bathroom or check
any messages on our phones.
393
00:18:30,659 --> 00:18:32,427
I can't. My phone's dead.
394
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:37,632
I have a charger.
395
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,301
Let's do this. Let's get
everything out on the table.
396
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,636
Not everything.
397
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:43,722
The new school of thought
is to write down
398
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:46,858
what you want to say in
a journal and then burn it.
399
00:18:48,477 --> 00:18:51,446
I want to talk about
what Jessie did the other day.
400
00:18:51,513 --> 00:18:54,366
No, I don't want to talk about anything
that Jessie's done since she's been here.
401
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:56,484
People, places, things,
402
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:57,953
people.
403
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,189
Then what are we gonna talk about?
404
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,408
Getting drunk all day with strangers
who think you're Gary Busey?
405
00:19:03,492 --> 00:19:05,360
- Well, if you...
- All right, all right.
406
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,162
Let's all just settle down.
407
00:19:07,213 --> 00:19:10,165
Now I want you both to find
a moment in your past
408
00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:12,300
when you actually loved each other.
409
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:16,338
Our eighth birthday.
410
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,506
- You remember that?
- Of course.
411
00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:20,917
We both had the chicken pox and
Mom had to cancel our party.
412
00:19:20,927 --> 00:19:23,094
We stayed up all night
413
00:19:23,179 --> 00:19:25,013
prank calling Beth Randall.
414
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:28,183
- And Susie Cohen.
- I hated those girls.
415
00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:30,685
This is perfect.
Let your hatred of others
416
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,696
bring you two together.
Now give each other a hug.
417
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,658
I miss you, Jordy.
418
00:19:36,725 --> 00:19:39,527
I miss you, too, Jessie-wessy.
419
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,663
Jessie-wessy?
420
00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:44,833
It's based on the fact that her
name is Jessie and it rhymes.
421
00:19:46,369 --> 00:19:49,037
So, okay. We're done here.
422
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,172
You're cured. Go home.
423
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,875
Wait, before we do that, I'm
feeling guilty about something
424
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:57,095
and I need to get it off my chest.
425
00:19:57,179 --> 00:19:58,596
I slept with someone
you don't know about.
426
00:19:58,681 --> 00:20:01,383
Okay, okay, guys, guys.
I am the therapist here
427
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,801
and I'm telling you that
nothing ruins a relationship
428
00:20:02,885 --> 00:20:04,886
like communication.
429
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,088
I had sex with Bob Tway.
430
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,557
My high school boyfriend?
431
00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:11,259
That's okay.
432
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:12,927
Thank you for being honest.
433
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:16,448
Okay, everybody loves each other.
Let's wrap it up.
434
00:20:16,532 --> 00:20:18,366
There's somebody else.
435
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:19,951
You know who I hate?
436
00:20:20,036 --> 00:20:21,820
Susie Cohen.
437
00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:24,272
Let's prank call her right now.
438
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:27,492
- David Sapienza.
- My college boyfriend?
439
00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:30,128
I am so sorry.
440
00:20:30,212 --> 00:20:33,281
- Oh, and there is also...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
441
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,632
Let's close up Pandora's box
442
00:20:34,717 --> 00:20:37,052
before something else flies
out that we cannot kill.
443
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,839
I should be heading
to the airport anyway.
444
00:20:40,923 --> 00:20:43,124
I'll call you.
445
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,476
Okay, great. Bye-bye.
446
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,094
- Bye.
- Bye.
447
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,401
You're very lucky, Jordan.
448
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,820
That could have gone horribly wrong.
449
00:20:55,905 --> 00:20:57,822
Thanks for your help.
450
00:20:57,907 --> 00:20:59,858
This couldn't have happened without you.
451
00:20:59,942 --> 00:21:02,977
And I slept with Charlie.
Sorry. Love you.
452
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:10,418
You were right.
453
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,170
Your sister's a bitch.
454
00:21:12,444 --> 00:21:20,444
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com