1
00:00:00,136 --> 00:00:02,297
All right, while we're waiting
for Patrick to get here

2
00:00:02,322 --> 00:00:03,622
and start talking about your problems,

3
00:00:03,707 --> 00:00:05,908
I've got a major problem of my own.

4
00:00:05,959 --> 00:00:08,294
Who should I go out with Saturday night?

5
00:00:09,713 --> 00:00:12,081
Super hot or...

6
00:00:12,132 --> 00:00:14,282
Super hot.

7
00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:17,753
It's always super hot.

8
00:00:17,804 --> 00:00:20,164
But I didn't even tell you about
the girl who's super smart.

9
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:23,258
You know what? You're right.

10
00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:27,730
I'm assuming this is about your date to
my wedding to Patrick on Saturday night.

11
00:00:27,797 --> 00:00:30,397
Well, it's definitely not for the
Slash concert at Staples Center.

12
00:00:31,818 --> 00:00:33,419
So anyone know someone who wants tickets

13
00:00:33,436 --> 00:00:35,821
to the Slash concert at Staples Center?

14
00:00:35,905 --> 00:00:37,439
How could you forget, Charlie?

15
00:00:37,490 --> 00:00:39,441
Thursday's the rehearsal,
Saturday's the wedding,

16
00:00:39,492 --> 00:00:41,360
and Sunday Patrick and I cash

17
00:00:41,397 --> 00:00:43,638
the million-dollar wedding check
my parents are giving us.

18
00:00:43,663 --> 00:00:45,614
Because I thought by now
that this scam would be over

19
00:00:45,665 --> 00:00:48,200
and the next time you and I
spoke would be from jail.

20
00:00:48,284 --> 00:00:50,669
Lacey, you're making
a mockery of weddings.

21
00:00:50,754 --> 00:00:53,172
They're supposed to be about two people
who actually care about each other.

22
00:00:53,256 --> 00:00:55,124
Well, I'm not going.

23
00:00:55,175 --> 00:00:57,509
And don't anyone try to talk me into it.

24
00:01:01,464 --> 00:01:04,299
So, Lacey,

25
00:01:04,351 --> 00:01:08,387
is your family coming from India
to witness this joyous felony?

26
00:01:08,471 --> 00:01:12,340
Yes, and I just found out my parents
are having Mahesh at the wedding.

27
00:01:12,392 --> 00:01:14,560
Mahesh? Is that a person

28
00:01:14,644 --> 00:01:17,345
or some dot-head appetizer

29
00:01:17,397 --> 00:01:19,681
that's gonna give me the trots?

30
00:01:19,733 --> 00:01:23,318
Mahesh is the ugly, fat kid from India

31
00:01:23,370 --> 00:01:24,787
that my parents wanted me to marry.

32
00:01:24,854 --> 00:01:26,739
This is gonna be so awkward.

33
00:01:26,823 --> 00:01:28,157
Just be polite to him.

34
00:01:28,208 --> 00:01:30,793
How can I be polite when he's fat?

35
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:32,745
It's easy.

36
00:01:32,829 --> 00:01:35,581
Like when I'm talking to someone
who's shallow and self-centered,

37
00:01:35,665 --> 00:01:38,366
you just pay them
a compliment and smile.

38
00:01:38,418 --> 00:01:41,503
By the way, great blouse.

39
00:01:41,554 --> 00:01:43,555
Oh, my God, thank you.

40
00:01:45,508 --> 00:01:47,209
I remember you as a little girl

41
00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:49,511
all wide-eyed and innocent.

42
00:01:49,562 --> 00:01:51,480
And tomorrow I am marrying you.

43
00:01:51,547 --> 00:01:53,899
- You must be very excited.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.

44
00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:55,768
Before we start this rehearsal thing,

45
00:01:55,852 --> 00:01:58,353
I've got this Hindu friend
who's getting married

46
00:01:58,405 --> 00:02:01,223
to a guy just to get a buttload
of money from her parents.

47
00:02:01,274 --> 00:02:03,826
Can you go to Hindu hell for that?

48
00:02:03,893 --> 00:02:05,327
Lacey.

49
00:02:06,446 --> 00:02:08,197
Don't move.

50
00:02:08,248 --> 00:02:11,450
You know what? Just text me the answer.
You're the coolest. Bye.

51
00:02:11,534 --> 00:02:13,952
Hi. Can I help you?

52
00:02:14,037 --> 00:02:16,922
You are just as beautiful
as I remembered.

53
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:19,425
Holy crap.

54
00:02:19,509 --> 00:02:21,093
Mahesh.

55
00:02:21,177 --> 00:02:25,047
When did you become crazy doable?

56
00:02:25,098 --> 00:02:28,350
You motivated me to lose weight
when you turned down my proposal.

57
00:02:28,417 --> 00:02:31,053
Oh, my God. I created you?

58
00:02:31,104 --> 00:02:32,754
This is awesome.

59
00:02:32,806 --> 00:02:34,756
Well, a lot has changed.

60
00:02:34,808 --> 00:02:38,193
I also started my own software
company in Silicon Valley.

61
00:02:38,261 --> 00:02:41,113
Oh.

62
00:02:41,197 --> 00:02:43,782
How is that going?

63
00:02:43,867 --> 00:02:46,485
Microsoft offered us 300 million,

64
00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:48,570
but I think we can do better.

65
00:02:48,621 --> 00:02:51,540
Are you asking me to marry you?

66
00:02:51,607 --> 00:02:53,075
What?

67
00:02:53,126 --> 00:02:55,160
You're marrying Patrick.

68
00:02:55,245 --> 00:02:57,946
Okay. I'll think about it.

69
00:03:00,884 --> 00:03:03,135
Okay, so you'll read this

70
00:03:03,219 --> 00:03:05,137
after the Hindu cleric and the
priest welcome everybody.

71
00:03:05,221 --> 00:03:07,556
So they're both performing the ceremony?

72
00:03:07,623 --> 00:03:09,641
The Hindu cleric is for Lacey's family

73
00:03:09,726 --> 00:03:11,560
and the priest is for my mother

74
00:03:11,627 --> 00:03:14,629
who still makes me feel worthless
even from beyond the grave.

75
00:03:17,984 --> 00:03:20,402
Excuse me. Do you know where the...

76
00:03:20,469 --> 00:03:22,470
Charlie?

77
00:03:22,522 --> 00:03:24,156
As I live and breathe, Eugene Alvarez.

78
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,658
Oh, my God. It's been so long.

79
00:03:26,743 --> 00:03:28,944
Last time I saw you, I was in the dugout

80
00:03:28,995 --> 00:03:31,163
watching you break
your bat over your knee.

81
00:03:31,247 --> 00:03:33,481
Last time I saw you,
you were in the clubhouse

82
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,083
offering me a bottle of Jack Daniels

83
00:03:35,151 --> 00:03:37,511
and a handful of Vicodin because
I broke a bat over my knee.

84
00:03:37,537 --> 00:03:40,706
That was a long time ago, Charlie.

85
00:03:40,790 --> 00:03:42,875
- A lot has changed. Yeah.
- Yes, it has.

86
00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,826
I'm an anger management therapist now

87
00:03:44,878 --> 00:03:47,129
and you're a guy
who dresses like a priest.

88
00:03:48,882 --> 00:03:50,716
I don't know the gag, but I like it.

89
00:03:52,468 --> 00:03:54,269
There is no gag.

90
00:03:54,337 --> 00:03:56,522
I mean, I'm a man of the cloth.

91
00:03:56,606 --> 00:03:57,672
I'm one with the Lord now.

92
00:03:57,724 --> 00:03:59,107
Wow.

93
00:03:59,175 --> 00:04:00,642
And there I was feeling
all high and mighty

94
00:04:00,693 --> 00:04:04,029
for not parking in the handicap zone.

95
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,532
- So you're doing the wedding?
- Yeah, yeah, first one.

96
00:04:06,616 --> 00:04:09,297
I mean, I'm new at this. I've only
been a priest a couple of months.

97
00:04:09,352 --> 00:04:12,571
So you're popping your wedding cherry.

98
00:04:12,655 --> 00:04:15,207
- Am I allowed to say that?
- Yeah, of course.

99
00:04:15,291 --> 00:04:17,025
Charlie, I'm still the same guy

100
00:04:17,076 --> 00:04:18,377
even though I wear this collar

101
00:04:18,461 --> 00:04:20,329
and you have to call me Father

102
00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:22,464
and you have to kiss my ring.

103
00:04:22,531 --> 00:04:24,550
And you have to kiss my ass.

104
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:27,202
I was kidding.

105
00:04:28,421 --> 00:04:31,139
So was I.

106
00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:33,976
Listen, after rehearsal, let's go grab
several drinks and get all caught up, yeah?

107
00:04:34,043 --> 00:04:35,677
Yeah, absolutely.

108
00:04:35,728 --> 00:04:38,430
I mean, just so you know,
I don't really drink anymore.

109
00:04:38,514 --> 00:04:40,548
I mean, other than the sacraments.

110
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,768
Not a problem. Go to this
great little place I know.

111
00:04:42,852 --> 00:04:44,888
They have a two-for-one
sacrament until 7:00.

112
00:04:44,937 --> 00:04:48,937
Anger Management 2x51
- Charlie and The Last Temptation of Eugenio -
Original air date March 6, 2014

113
00:04:48,962 --> 00:04:50,951
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com

114
00:04:50,952 --> 00:04:52,194
So how's Jen?

115
00:04:52,245 --> 00:04:54,580
Oh, she's doing good, but, you
know, we're divorced now.

116
00:04:54,664 --> 00:04:57,499
Oh, I'm sorry. That's a shame.

117
00:04:57,534 --> 00:04:59,894
Oh, come on. If you weren't a
priest, you'd be all over that.

118
00:04:59,919 --> 00:05:02,287
- You always had a thing for her.
- Yeah.

119
00:05:02,372 --> 00:05:05,907
Now I have a thing for Him.

120
00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:07,439
That sounded a little odd, my friend.

121
00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:09,344
Yeah.

122
00:05:09,412 --> 00:05:11,096
So wait a minute. This whole
priest thing, I don't get it.

123
00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,747
I mean, you were the guy
that got kicked off

124
00:05:12,799 --> 00:05:15,801
of Motley Crue's tour bus
for making Tommy Lee cry.

125
00:05:17,303 --> 00:05:18,920
People change, Charlie.

126
00:05:18,972 --> 00:05:20,939
I was given a sign from God.

127
00:05:21,024 --> 00:05:23,642
What, did you see, like, Christ's
face on a piece of toast?

128
00:05:23,726 --> 00:05:25,944
Of course not.

129
00:05:26,029 --> 00:05:28,614
It was in a flour tortilla.

130
00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:32,534
I was depressed. I was feeling hopeless.

131
00:05:32,601 --> 00:05:34,820
I looked down and there he was,

132
00:05:34,904 --> 00:05:36,788
smiling up at me.

133
00:05:36,873 --> 00:05:39,324
But that must sound silly to you, right?

134
00:05:39,409 --> 00:05:42,628
No, no, not at all. In fact, one
time I dropped a tube of Go-Gurt

135
00:05:42,712 --> 00:05:46,465
and the splatter told me to stay
drunk for nine straight days.

136
00:05:46,549 --> 00:05:48,283
Come on.

137
00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:50,135
But I think you might have
taken it a little too far.

138
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,137
Well, think what you want.

139
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:55,173
But my life is easier now that I
don't have those urges anymore.

140
00:05:58,061 --> 00:05:59,895
- Aha.
- What?

141
00:05:59,962 --> 00:06:01,463
- You just checked her out.
- No, I didn't.

142
00:06:01,514 --> 00:06:03,598
- Yes, you did.
- I didn't.

143
00:06:03,650 --> 00:06:05,931
Oh, come on. You could pick
that ass out of an ass lineup.

144
00:06:06,853 --> 00:06:08,533
Which we did once
in Kansas City, remember?

145
00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:13,742
- I'm telling you, man, this isn't you.
- Charlie, this is me.

146
00:06:13,809 --> 00:06:16,528
I'll bet if I threw some real temptation
on, you wouldn't be able to say no.

147
00:06:16,612 --> 00:06:19,614
Go for it. My faith is strong.

148
00:06:19,666 --> 00:06:21,366
You come here tomorrow night.

149
00:06:21,451 --> 00:06:23,251
- But you've got to give me a fighting
chance. - Okay.

150
00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:24,652
Lose the collar. Don't tell
anyone you're a priest.

151
00:06:24,704 --> 00:06:27,789
Done. But if I prove you wrong,

152
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,991
you have to come to church for a year.

153
00:06:30,043 --> 00:06:31,259
- Fine.
- Okay.

154
00:06:31,327 --> 00:06:32,594
Make it two years.

155
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:35,931
You know what? Three...

156
00:06:35,998 --> 00:06:38,050
months.

157
00:06:38,134 --> 00:06:39,634
Just not in a row.

158
00:06:42,572 --> 00:06:44,489
You ran into Eugene Alvarez?

159
00:06:44,557 --> 00:06:45,941
That's so random.

160
00:06:46,025 --> 00:06:48,493
Didn't you used to like him?

161
00:06:48,561 --> 00:06:50,612
No, you and I were married.

162
00:06:50,696 --> 00:06:52,531
I never even thought of him that way.

163
00:06:52,582 --> 00:06:56,034
Is he still single,
because, God, I wanted him.

164
00:06:56,085 --> 00:06:58,753
He's about as single as single gets.

165
00:07:00,206 --> 00:07:02,090
You'd never hit on a priest, would you?

166
00:07:02,175 --> 00:07:04,092
Of course not.

167
00:07:04,177 --> 00:07:06,378
Why? He's not a priest now, is he?

168
00:07:06,429 --> 00:07:08,463
No, no.

169
00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:10,915
But he's thinking about becoming one.

170
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,051
That is not a good idea.

171
00:07:13,102 --> 00:07:15,920
Talk about putting
a square peg in a round hole.

172
00:07:15,972 --> 00:07:18,857
I think his days of putting his
peg in any kind of hole are over.

173
00:07:20,476 --> 00:07:23,595
Unless someone shows him
that it's the wrong choice.

174
00:07:23,646 --> 00:07:25,864
Oh, okay.

175
00:07:25,931 --> 00:07:28,433
So you decided to go out
and buy Chinese food,

176
00:07:28,484 --> 00:07:30,952
come here and talk me into doinking him?

177
00:07:31,037 --> 00:07:33,154
No, no, no.

178
00:07:33,239 --> 00:07:36,241
But have you tried the sweet and
sour doinking? It's excellent.

179
00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:39,411
Look, all I'm asking
is you pretend to seduce him.

180
00:07:39,462 --> 00:07:42,747
When he makes his move, bam, you tell him
Charlie was right and you just walk away.

181
00:07:42,798 --> 00:07:44,782
Isn't there some other way?

182
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:47,285
Well, I was gonna send him
half a dozen hookers.

183
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:50,171
Then I realized that what
he really wants is you.

184
00:07:50,256 --> 00:07:52,257
- I don't know.
- That is a huge compliment.

185
00:07:52,308 --> 00:07:56,761
I'm saying that you have
the power of six hookers.

186
00:07:56,812 --> 00:07:59,764
Aw, thank you.

187
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:07,305
Hey, douchebag, where's Charlie?

188
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,642
Douchebag was my father.
You can just call me Bag.

189
00:08:10,693 --> 00:08:12,410
Okay, Bag.

190
00:08:12,478 --> 00:08:14,579
I hate you and I need my therapist.
Where's Charlie?

191
00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:16,581
He's at the grocery store.

192
00:08:16,649 --> 00:08:18,529
For some reason, he keeps
running out of cereal.

193
00:08:18,534 --> 00:08:20,652
You want some?

194
00:08:20,703 --> 00:08:23,038
No, I'm going through something serious

195
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:24,656
and I need to talk to him.

196
00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:26,591
You can always talk to me.

197
00:08:26,659 --> 00:08:28,343
No, thanks. He's a therapist.

198
00:08:28,427 --> 00:08:30,262
You're a soulless bag of crap.

199
00:08:30,329 --> 00:08:32,097
Again, just Bag.

200
00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:35,767
Is this about your wedding tomorrow?

201
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:38,002
I can't marry Patrick.

202
00:08:38,054 --> 00:08:40,388
Why not? I thought there was a
million bucks in it for you.

203
00:08:40,473 --> 00:08:43,508
I know, but I realized there's
someone else I should marry.

204
00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:45,694
Ah, got it.

205
00:08:45,778 --> 00:08:47,979
Listen, let me finish my bowl of cereal

206
00:08:48,030 --> 00:08:51,182
and then we'll do it in Charlie's
bed and talk about our future.

207
00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:53,401
Shut up. It's the fat guy from India

208
00:08:53,486 --> 00:08:54,953
that my parents wanted me to marry.

209
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:57,739
But they never told me
he got hot and super rich.

210
00:08:57,823 --> 00:09:01,042
Why would they hurt me like that?

211
00:09:01,127 --> 00:09:03,244
Why don't you just call off the wedding?

212
00:09:03,329 --> 00:09:05,246
If I do that,

213
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:07,371
Patrick will be so mad about
losing out on the money,

214
00:09:07,383 --> 00:09:08,967
he'll tell my parents we were
tricking them the whole time

215
00:09:09,034 --> 00:09:10,835
and I'll end up with nothing.

216
00:09:10,886 --> 00:09:13,805
So come up with a sneaky way for your
parents to find out that Patrick's gay,

217
00:09:13,872 --> 00:09:16,925
pretend to be devastated,
and then marry the Indian dude.

218
00:09:17,009 --> 00:09:19,227
That's brilliant.

219
00:09:19,312 --> 00:09:20,729
Thank you.

220
00:09:20,813 --> 00:09:22,380
I am always here for you.

221
00:09:23,933 --> 00:09:26,685
Hey, you want to knock one
out in the pantry?

222
00:09:26,736 --> 00:09:28,987
You're disgusting.

223
00:09:29,054 --> 00:09:30,655
All right, seriously,
where'd I lose you?

224
00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:32,524
Was it knock one out or was it pantry?

225
00:09:32,575 --> 00:09:34,442
We can make love in the pantry.

226
00:09:37,246 --> 00:09:39,164
Well, I'm very appreciative

227
00:09:39,231 --> 00:09:41,072
of all the things you're
willing to do with me,

228
00:09:41,117 --> 00:09:44,452
to me, and above me on a swing.

229
00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:46,904
But I'm gonna have to pass.

230
00:09:46,956 --> 00:09:48,623
Well, your loss.

231
00:09:48,708 --> 00:09:51,075
But here is my number

232
00:09:51,127 --> 00:09:52,627
in case you change your mind.

233
00:09:52,712 --> 00:09:55,013
Oh, thanks.

234
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,265
Thanks.

235
00:09:57,350 --> 00:09:58,883
Oh, and tell Charlie good try.

236
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:08,693
Hey, Brett. Can I get a
glass of chardonnay?

237
00:10:08,761 --> 00:10:11,029
- You by yourself tonight?
- Now I am.

238
00:10:11,096 --> 00:10:12,647
I just got stood up.

239
00:10:12,732 --> 00:10:15,650
I got to find that old man
who started eHarmony

240
00:10:15,735 --> 00:10:17,702
and burn his house to the ground.

241
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,487
Jennifer?

242
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,774
Oh, my God.

243
00:10:22,825 --> 00:10:24,793
Eugene Alvarez?

244
00:10:24,877 --> 00:10:27,295
Yeah. Good to see you.

245
00:10:27,380 --> 00:10:30,582
Oh, so what are you doing in town?

246
00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,417
Still with all that gorgeous hair.

247
00:10:32,468 --> 00:10:34,636
Uh...

248
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:38,089
well, I got a new job.

249
00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:40,475
- Oh.
- Yeah. Big company.

250
00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:43,428
Home office is in Italy.

251
00:10:43,479 --> 00:10:45,313
You look great.

252
00:10:45,398 --> 00:10:47,599
Yeah, thanks. You do, too.

253
00:10:47,650 --> 00:10:49,267
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

254
00:10:49,318 --> 00:10:51,236
- Want to know my secret?
- Yeah.

255
00:10:51,303 --> 00:10:54,522
A strict regimen of wine every day

256
00:10:54,607 --> 00:10:56,658
and not enough sex.

257
00:10:56,742 --> 00:10:59,244
Me, too.

258
00:11:03,282 --> 00:11:06,868
Oh, come on. How does this happen?

259
00:11:06,952 --> 00:11:10,088
Jen, it's the middle of the day.

260
00:11:10,155 --> 00:11:11,923
Why didn't you call me back?

261
00:11:11,990 --> 00:11:13,341
How'd it go with you and Eugene?

262
00:11:13,426 --> 00:11:16,044
I did it. I broke him.

263
00:11:16,128 --> 00:11:19,330
I don't think he'll be joining
the priesthood anytime soon.

264
00:11:19,381 --> 00:11:22,684
I knew it. We saved him from
a huge crisis down the road.

265
00:11:22,768 --> 00:11:24,669
You did a really great
thing for that guy.

266
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,805
Oh, I did four great things for that guy.

267
00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:30,358
You did... whoa, whoa.
What are you talking about?

268
00:11:30,443 --> 00:11:32,343
Well, I don't kiss and tell,

269
00:11:32,394 --> 00:11:34,195
but we had sex, so what
do you want to know?

270
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,448
You weren't supposed to sleep with him.

271
00:11:36,515 --> 00:11:38,349
I thought I was doing you a favor.

272
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,151
I know he was doing me a favor.

273
00:11:40,202 --> 00:11:42,520
He's a priest.

274
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,657
No, he's not. You said he was
thinking about being a priest.

275
00:11:45,708 --> 00:11:47,208
Priests don't do what he did

276
00:11:47,293 --> 00:11:49,794
because they know God's watching.

277
00:11:49,862 --> 00:11:53,998
Well, God was watching
you last night do a priest.

278
00:11:54,049 --> 00:11:56,251
Oh, my God!

279
00:11:56,335 --> 00:11:58,169
What have I done? I'm going to hell.

280
00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:00,371
Why did you lie to me?

281
00:12:00,422 --> 00:12:03,183
Because if I told you the truth, you
wouldn't have done what I wanted.

282
00:12:03,893 --> 00:12:05,853
If that sounds selfish,
there's a reason for that.

283
00:12:05,878 --> 00:12:08,680
It is.

284
00:12:12,151 --> 00:12:13,768
Hello.

285
00:12:13,853 --> 00:12:16,988
Hey, Charlie, you know that priest
you came in with last night?

286
00:12:17,055 --> 00:12:19,240
Well, he's down here
drinking pretty heavily

287
00:12:19,325 --> 00:12:22,911
playing grab-ass with
a couple of fallen women.

288
00:12:22,995 --> 00:12:25,914
Habeas mirabilem pectora.

289
00:12:25,998 --> 00:12:29,567
That's the way you say "you
got a great rack" in Latin.

290
00:12:32,037 --> 00:12:33,955
I'll be right down.

291
00:12:34,039 --> 00:12:36,174
Well, congratulations.

292
00:12:36,241 --> 00:12:39,010
You screwed him right off the God wagon.

293
00:12:40,554 --> 00:12:43,139
Eugene. What are you doing?

294
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:44,707
Qué onda, Charlie?

295
00:12:44,759 --> 00:12:47,894
Hey, apropos of nothing.

296
00:12:47,979 --> 00:12:50,814
How many shots can you take
in a half hour without dying?

297
00:12:50,881 --> 00:12:52,933
One less than you have in you.

298
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,054
What happened to you?

299
00:12:58,105 --> 00:13:01,658
You were right, Charlie.
I couldn't resist temptation.

300
00:13:01,725 --> 00:13:05,495
I slept with a woman and broke
my vows to God.

301
00:13:05,562 --> 00:13:08,531
Okay, okay, I know who you slept with

302
00:13:08,582 --> 00:13:10,784
and I've done some things with her, too,

303
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:13,286
that may have offended God.

304
00:13:13,371 --> 00:13:14,587
But you don't have to sink this low.

305
00:13:14,672 --> 00:13:17,040
Sorry, ladies.

306
00:13:17,091 --> 00:13:19,209
After that wedding tomorrow,

307
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:22,462
I'm gonna lose the collar and I'm
gonna tear through this town

308
00:13:22,546 --> 00:13:25,932
like Generalissimo Carranza
tore through Chiapas.

309
00:13:26,017 --> 00:13:30,253
So this guy banged
his way through Chiapas?

310
00:13:30,304 --> 00:13:32,105
I don't know.

311
00:13:32,189 --> 00:13:33,807
But I assume so.

312
00:13:33,891 --> 00:13:36,810
He was a pretty good-looking guy.

313
00:13:36,894 --> 00:13:39,145
Hey, let's bounce. Whoo!

314
00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:41,564
Eugene. Eugene.

315
00:13:41,615 --> 00:13:43,816
You have an addictive personality
that's out of control.

316
00:13:43,818 --> 00:13:45,379
You're better off being addicted to God.

317
00:13:45,403 --> 00:13:48,872
Way fewer STDs. Again, sorry, ladies.

318
00:13:48,939 --> 00:13:51,574
I'm not out of control, okay?

319
00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:54,411
By the way, can I borrow some money?

320
00:13:54,462 --> 00:13:57,447
I seem to have misplaced
all of my belongings.

321
00:13:57,498 --> 00:14:00,717
One of the warning signs
of being out of control

322
00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:03,803
is not knowing where
all of your belongings are.

323
00:14:03,888 --> 00:14:07,474
And the other sign is not taking
your good friend seriously.

324
00:14:07,558 --> 00:14:08,808
Bye-bye.

325
00:14:13,230 --> 00:14:15,465
Well, it's too bad your priest buddy

326
00:14:15,516 --> 00:14:17,317
didn't bring in a minister and a rabbi

327
00:14:17,401 --> 00:14:20,153
so you could at least get
a joke out of this, huh?

328
00:14:23,307 --> 00:14:25,408
God, I love weddings.

329
00:14:25,476 --> 00:14:29,029
At first I thought you had some sort
of ulterior motive for taking me.

330
00:14:29,113 --> 00:14:31,281
And then I thought that's cynical

331
00:14:31,332 --> 00:14:33,033
and that's not who I want to be.

332
00:14:33,117 --> 00:14:34,834
Yeah, cynicism is a terrible trait.

333
00:14:36,337 --> 00:14:39,672
Look, I need you to scam a priest.

334
00:14:39,757 --> 00:14:41,491
What?

335
00:14:41,542 --> 00:14:42,825
All you got to do is act like

336
00:14:42,877 --> 00:14:44,677
he inspired you at one of his sermons.

337
00:14:44,762 --> 00:14:46,096
I'm trying to get him
back into the priesthood.

338
00:14:46,163 --> 00:14:49,099
Back? What did you do?

339
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:52,168
Nothing. He's the one who got
drunk and had sex with my ex.

340
00:14:52,219 --> 00:14:55,305
All I did was set the whole thing up.

341
00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:01,344
I'm here. What's the problem?

342
00:15:01,395 --> 00:15:02,979
Close the door.

343
00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:06,199
Some giant letters outside.
"Patrick times Lacey."

344
00:15:06,283 --> 00:15:08,201
It's supposed to say
"Patrick plus Lacey,"

345
00:15:08,285 --> 00:15:10,620
but the plus sign
keeps falling on its side.

346
00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:13,189
I need your help
blowing up this wedding.

347
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,960
Easy, get caught having
sex with a white stranger.

348
00:15:17,027 --> 00:15:18,912
I stole Patrick's phone.

349
00:15:18,996 --> 00:15:21,247
He has dirty pictures on here
of him and his boyfriend

350
00:15:21,332 --> 00:15:23,372
which are accidentally
gonna get sent to my parents,

351
00:15:23,384 --> 00:15:25,034
but he changed his password.

352
00:15:25,086 --> 00:15:27,470
- What was the old one?
- Garland.

353
00:15:27,538 --> 00:15:29,472
- As in Judy?
- Yeah.

354
00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:31,724
So I tried Streisand, Minnelli, Manilow,

355
00:15:31,809 --> 00:15:33,810
Midler, and Cher.

356
00:15:33,877 --> 00:15:35,395
Did you try wreath?

357
00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:37,931
It's the straight man's garland.

358
00:15:38,015 --> 00:15:40,266
You're such an idiot.

359
00:15:40,351 --> 00:15:42,652
It worked.

360
00:15:42,719 --> 00:15:44,320
I'm gonna marry Mahesh.

361
00:15:44,388 --> 00:15:47,607
I knew it. I heard everything.

362
00:15:47,691 --> 00:15:50,243
You heard nothing.

363
00:15:50,327 --> 00:15:51,995
I knew you were gonna try to cut me out

364
00:15:52,062 --> 00:15:54,564
the minute I saw you
checking out that Indian guy

365
00:15:54,615 --> 00:15:58,368
and I told you you need
a mid heel with that dress.

366
00:15:58,419 --> 00:16:00,570
I want to be with Mahesh.

367
00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:02,288
And I want to be with ma money.

368
00:16:02,373 --> 00:16:03,623
Give me the phone.

369
00:16:03,707 --> 00:16:06,209
I press send

370
00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:07,577
and you don't get a dime.

371
00:16:07,628 --> 00:16:09,596
You do it and I tell your family

372
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,798
that I was a shill in your swindle.

373
00:16:11,882 --> 00:16:13,633
Hmm.

374
00:16:13,717 --> 00:16:17,270
Looks like we got ourselves quite
the Canadian standoff here.

375
00:16:17,354 --> 00:16:19,022
It's called a Mexican standoff.

376
00:16:19,089 --> 00:16:20,690
You guys don't have guns.

377
00:16:20,757 --> 00:16:22,925
This ain't "Reservoir Dogs," people.

378
00:16:24,595 --> 00:16:26,779
Padre.

379
00:16:26,864 --> 00:16:28,144
How's the old cabeza holding up?

380
00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:29,599
A little rough.

381
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:33,036
I always have to remind myself
not to mix beer and whiskey.

382
00:16:33,103 --> 00:16:35,655
And vodka. And wine.

383
00:16:35,739 --> 00:16:37,323
And then beer one more time.

384
00:16:39,126 --> 00:16:40,660
And who is this lovely lady?

385
00:16:40,744 --> 00:16:43,046
Oh, I'm sorry. This is my
business colleague Jordan.

386
00:16:43,113 --> 00:16:45,615
Oh, my God. Father Alvarez.

387
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:48,218
You're the priest at my church.

388
00:16:48,285 --> 00:16:50,970
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You go to his church?

389
00:16:51,055 --> 00:16:52,722
Yes.

390
00:16:52,789 --> 00:16:55,758
A couple of months ago, I was
in the middle of a crisis.

391
00:16:55,809 --> 00:16:58,761
Your sermon changed my life.

392
00:16:58,812 --> 00:17:00,313
True story.

393
00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:01,957
When I met her,
she was a Dumpster-diving

394
00:17:01,982 --> 00:17:04,184
alcoholic prostitute that
slept with homeless dudes.

395
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,155
Yes. Yes, I was.

396
00:17:10,474 --> 00:17:13,943
I fornicated with the homeless.

397
00:17:13,994 --> 00:17:17,030
That's amazing. Which sermon was that?

398
00:17:17,114 --> 00:17:19,482
Oh, you know, it was the one about

399
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:22,452
keeping the faith and God and stuff.

400
00:17:22,503 --> 00:17:25,788
So I provided you with a
profound religious experience?

401
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,823
Oh, yeah.

402
00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:31,177
Which is a clear sign that you
were meant to be a priest.

403
00:17:31,262 --> 00:17:34,214
No. It's a sign I want to hang

404
00:17:34,298 --> 00:17:36,382
with this hot chica caliente.

405
00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:42,138
If you want a real religious experience,

406
00:17:42,189 --> 00:17:44,390
catch me after the wedding.

407
00:17:47,877 --> 00:17:50,187
If you tell my parents
we were tricking them,

408
00:17:50,238 --> 00:17:51,888
you lose everything, too.

409
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,692
Hey, I don't mind going
down if I take you with me.

410
00:17:54,743 --> 00:17:56,827
Patrick, please.

411
00:17:56,894 --> 00:17:58,329
Don't you want me to be happy?

412
00:17:58,396 --> 00:18:00,897
Mahesh is my true love and soul mate.

413
00:18:00,949 --> 00:18:03,567
What else you got?

414
00:18:03,618 --> 00:18:06,286
I'll steal a bunch of money
from him and give it to you.

415
00:18:06,371 --> 00:18:08,172
300,000.

416
00:18:08,239 --> 00:18:10,541
But I love this man.

417
00:18:10,592 --> 00:18:12,543
275.

418
00:18:12,594 --> 00:18:15,346
I'm sorry, the wedding is off.

419
00:18:15,413 --> 00:18:18,966
I just remembered I'm gay.

420
00:18:20,918 --> 00:18:22,553
What?!

421
00:18:22,604 --> 00:18:25,773
I have spent $100,000 on this wedding.

422
00:18:25,857 --> 00:18:30,027
That "Patrick times Lacey"
sign cost me $5,000 alone.

423
00:18:30,094 --> 00:18:33,564
I am terribly sorry for everything, sir.

424
00:18:33,615 --> 00:18:36,266
Can I have that giant
letter P for my apartment?

425
00:18:36,317 --> 00:18:37,651
I'm looking to fill a wall.

426
00:18:38,953 --> 00:18:41,271
I'll pick up a poster. It's fine.

427
00:18:43,375 --> 00:18:46,877
Oh, Mahesh, my wedding is called off.

428
00:18:46,944 --> 00:18:49,213
I'm a heartbroken victim. Hold me.

429
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,549
Lacey, I'm so sorry.

430
00:18:52,617 --> 00:18:55,285
I should have followed
my heart in the first place.

431
00:18:55,336 --> 00:18:58,589
From the minute I met you, I
knew it was you I always loved.

432
00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:01,725
I never knew.

433
00:19:01,793 --> 00:19:05,062
Hey, we have a Hindu priest here.

434
00:19:05,129 --> 00:19:07,231
- We can get married right now.
- What?

435
00:19:07,298 --> 00:19:09,800
Our families already
wanted to arrange this.

436
00:19:09,851 --> 00:19:11,802
What do you think, Money Bear?

437
00:19:11,853 --> 00:19:13,637
Money Bear?

438
00:19:13,688 --> 00:19:16,523
I mean, Honey Bear.

439
00:19:16,608 --> 00:19:17,929
But your wedding just fell apart.

440
00:19:17,975 --> 00:19:19,777
You must be devastated.

441
00:19:19,828 --> 00:19:21,912
Look, you and I have something special.

442
00:19:21,979 --> 00:19:23,414
Let's make it official.

443
00:19:23,481 --> 00:19:25,582
My God, it's too soon.

444
00:19:25,650 --> 00:19:27,668
Why the hell not?!

445
00:19:27,752 --> 00:19:29,703
Do you know what I've been through?

446
00:19:29,788 --> 00:19:31,371
When am I gonna get what I want?!

447
00:19:33,291 --> 00:19:36,827
I want to get married to you
and we are gonna do it today.

448
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,995
Okay.

449
00:19:43,017 --> 00:19:45,335
So I'm gonna give you some time alone.

450
00:19:49,607 --> 00:19:51,442
And let's never talk again.

451
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,347
Well, you're obviously not the man

452
00:19:57,398 --> 00:20:00,183
that I made up in my head
that I thought I knew!

453
00:20:00,235 --> 00:20:02,152
Hey, Todd.

454
00:20:02,203 --> 00:20:04,404
Does your dad still own
that trucking company?

455
00:20:04,489 --> 00:20:07,190
Yes? Okay. Do you want to get married?

456
00:20:09,694 --> 00:20:11,862
You see, Charlie?

457
00:20:11,913 --> 00:20:14,798
God sprinkled disaster all around me.

458
00:20:14,866 --> 00:20:18,001
He really doesn't want
me to do this anymore.

459
00:20:18,052 --> 00:20:20,721
Well, maybe that wasn't
Jesus in your tortilla.

460
00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,923
Maybe it was Zach Galifianakis.

461
00:20:23,007 --> 00:20:25,259
I mean, that guy's
in everything these days.

462
00:20:25,343 --> 00:20:26,743
Come on, let's go get a real drink.

463
00:20:30,231 --> 00:20:31,882
Oh, I'm sorry.

464
00:20:33,217 --> 00:20:35,552
You're forgiven.

465
00:20:39,073 --> 00:20:40,891
Did you see that guy?

466
00:20:40,942 --> 00:20:43,327
It was a sign, Charlie.

467
00:20:43,394 --> 00:20:46,663
It was Christ carrying the cross.
And he forgave me.

468
00:20:46,731 --> 00:20:48,499
No. Really? You sure?

469
00:20:50,001 --> 00:20:51,418
I can still make evening services

470
00:20:51,503 --> 00:20:53,069
if I really haul ass.

471
00:20:54,873 --> 00:20:58,208
Hey, drop by church sometime, my friend.

472
00:20:59,594 --> 00:21:01,762
Yeah, not gonna happen.

473
00:21:03,748 --> 00:21:05,632
All right, pal. I got your 20 bucks.

474
00:21:05,717 --> 00:21:09,085
Thanks. I only made 10 for
loading a P into some guy's car.

475
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,271
Well, try and forgive him.

476
00:21:11,356 --> 00:21:13,658
He just lost a half million dollars.

477
00:21:13,745 --> 00:21:21,745
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com