1
00:00:00,576 --> 00:00:03,742
An involvement going off
on each other a lot lately,
2
00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:05,335
so today,
3
00:00:05,359 --> 00:00:08,556
if somebody frustrates you,
instead of verbally attacking them,
4
00:00:08,581 --> 00:00:10,581
you shoot them with a phony dart.
5
00:00:11,848 --> 00:00:14,542
So, Ed, what's on your mind today?
6
00:00:14,574 --> 00:00:17,109
Well, I woke up this morning...
7
00:00:20,547 --> 00:00:23,949
This is a great idea.
Where do we get more bullets?
8
00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:26,819
Here's some more.
9
00:00:28,922 --> 00:00:31,991
This is good.
Nobody yelled at each other.
10
00:00:32,058 --> 00:00:33,826
This is stupid. If we're gonna do this,
11
00:00:33,894 --> 00:00:36,128
can we just use real guns?
12
00:00:36,196 --> 00:00:39,076
If we used real guns, two
people would already be dead.
13
00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:42,968
Three.
14
00:00:43,036 --> 00:00:45,671
What's going on, Lace?
You seem a little tense.
15
00:00:45,739 --> 00:00:47,573
I haven't been able to sleep.
16
00:00:47,641 --> 00:00:50,721
A couple of days ago, I saw a mouse
running around my apartment.
17
00:00:50,777 --> 00:00:52,645
It totally freaked me out.
18
00:00:52,712 --> 00:00:55,180
- Don't say it, Ed.
- Say what?
19
00:00:55,248 --> 00:00:58,083
You know, that Lacey and mice
have a lot in common.
20
00:00:58,151 --> 00:01:00,619
They both run around
at night and carry diseases.
21
00:01:02,322 --> 00:01:04,523
Hey, I was trying to protect you.
22
00:01:05,792 --> 00:01:07,393
That's for the lie.
23
00:01:08,058 --> 00:01:10,538
If you want, Lacey,
I can come by tonight
24
00:01:10,563 --> 00:01:12,031
and help you catch the mouse.
25
00:01:12,098 --> 00:01:13,732
Okay, fine. But just know
26
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:17,002
if you come after 7:00, I'm gonna
be all sweaty from Pilates.
27
00:01:17,070 --> 00:01:19,438
You know, this is great. You guys
have developed a friendship...
28
00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:21,974
( Dart fires )
29
00:01:22,639 --> 00:01:24,519
What the hell was that for, Nolan?
30
00:01:24,544 --> 00:01:26,178
I didn't mean to.
31
00:01:26,246 --> 00:01:27,947
My finger was on the trigger
and I was picturing
32
00:01:28,014 --> 00:01:29,815
Lacey all sweaty from Pilates.
33
00:01:31,651 --> 00:01:33,819
( Phone chimes )
34
00:01:33,887 --> 00:01:36,088
Sorry, guys.
35
00:01:37,857 --> 00:01:39,358
Ugh.
36
00:01:39,426 --> 00:01:41,026
It's a reminder from the ethics board
37
00:01:41,094 --> 00:01:42,895
that I have to see
my probation officer today.
38
00:01:42,929 --> 00:01:44,797
I can't believe you have
a probation officer
39
00:01:44,864 --> 00:01:46,999
from pulling your pants down at a bank.
40
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:49,768
I shot a guy in the balls
and I didn't get one.
41
00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:52,004
You have a probation officer.
42
00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:56,675
Oh, my God. I'd better call that guy.
43
00:01:56,743 --> 00:01:58,978
But you're right, it is
insulting to have to report
44
00:01:59,045 --> 00:02:00,679
to somebody who's going
to judge my behavior.
45
00:02:00,747 --> 00:02:02,747
There's nothing wrong with my behavior.
46
00:02:03,917 --> 00:02:05,684
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
47
00:02:05,752 --> 00:02:07,953
In Nerf therapy, you also get shot
48
00:02:08,021 --> 00:02:10,189
if you block the driveway
49
00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:12,191
or are late on your bill
50
00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:14,626
or fall asleep during session.
51
00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:22,768
Oh, come on.
52
00:02:22,836 --> 00:02:24,703
Next time, you have to
answer the phone like that.
53
00:02:24,771 --> 00:02:26,638
This is a professional organization
54
00:02:26,706 --> 00:02:28,107
that represents psychologists.
55
00:02:28,174 --> 00:02:30,242
I'm not going to say it.
56
00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:31,844
( Phone ringing )
Okay.
57
00:02:31,911 --> 00:02:34,072
I guess you're not the girl
I thought you were.
58
00:02:35,812 --> 00:02:37,892
Thank you for calling
Cuckooville Crazy Hut.
59
00:02:37,917 --> 00:02:40,678
It's probably your mom's fault.
Can I help you?
60
00:02:42,022 --> 00:02:43,956
Oh, hello, my boss.
61
00:02:45,425 --> 00:02:48,227
Sorry, I thought my friend
was calling back.
62
00:02:48,294 --> 00:02:50,129
How much longer?
63
00:02:50,196 --> 00:02:52,698
Okay, I'll tell him.
64
00:02:52,766 --> 00:02:54,299
I hate you so much.
65
00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:56,668
And now I'm stuck
with you for another hour.
66
00:02:56,736 --> 00:02:58,270
Awesome.
67
00:02:58,338 --> 00:03:00,372
If I had known that you
were the receptionist here,
68
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,940
I'd have gotten in
trouble a long time ago.
69
00:03:02,008 --> 00:03:04,076
Oh? What'd you do?
70
00:03:04,144 --> 00:03:06,211
I pulled my pants down in a bank.
71
00:03:06,279 --> 00:03:08,047
It was kind of a political protest.
72
00:03:08,114 --> 00:03:10,783
Oh, really? So what do you do
73
00:03:10,850 --> 00:03:12,810
when you don't have your
pants around your ankles?
74
00:03:12,852 --> 00:03:15,821
I'm an anger management therapist
and I also run a sex study.
75
00:03:15,889 --> 00:03:17,456
Ooh, sex study? Oh, I want to play.
76
00:03:17,524 --> 00:03:20,959
- Interview me.
- Okay.
77
00:03:21,027 --> 00:03:23,629
One of the things we examine
is the effects of geography
78
00:03:23,696 --> 00:03:25,264
on sexual mores.
79
00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:26,771
I don't know what that means.
80
00:03:26,833 --> 00:03:29,635
Where's the craziest
place you ever had sex?
81
00:03:29,702 --> 00:03:32,071
In the bathroom at work.
82
00:03:32,138 --> 00:03:35,574
- How was that?
- Ask me in about 20 minutes.
83
00:03:35,642 --> 00:03:37,443
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
84
00:03:37,510 --> 00:03:40,813
'Cause my body is saying yes,
but my head is saying yes.
85
00:03:41,838 --> 00:03:43,558
I don't want to get you fired.
86
00:03:43,583 --> 00:03:45,551
Oh, please. Get me fired.
87
00:03:45,618 --> 00:03:48,087
The pay sucks and there are
no benefits except this one.
88
00:03:48,154 --> 00:03:49,455
- Let's go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
89
00:03:49,522 --> 00:03:51,156
Let's not be animals about this.
90
00:03:51,224 --> 00:03:53,505
We should hold hands
on our way to the bathroom.
91
00:03:55,665 --> 00:03:57,705
Sorry to have kept you waiting, Goodson.
92
00:03:57,730 --> 00:04:00,933
I was in a hearing
pulling someone's license.
93
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,835
What was the infraction?
94
00:04:02,902 --> 00:04:06,105
Dating patients, seducing interns,
95
00:04:06,172 --> 00:04:08,207
inappropriate therapeutic methods.
96
00:04:08,274 --> 00:04:11,443
Where do you stand on shooting
your patients with a Nerf gun?
97
00:04:11,511 --> 00:04:14,012
( Laughs )
I can't imagine a circumstance
98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,514
where that would be of any value.
99
00:04:15,582 --> 00:04:17,616
Me neither. And if any of my patients
100
00:04:17,684 --> 00:04:20,252
say I was doing something like
that, remember, they're crazy.
101
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,555
So far, Goodson, I don't like you.
102
00:04:23,623 --> 00:04:25,583
Wait, I know what you're gonna say next.
103
00:04:25,625 --> 00:04:27,659
You don't like me, but you respect me.
104
00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:29,128
No.
105
00:04:29,195 --> 00:04:31,930
Okay. You don't like me,
106
00:04:31,998 --> 00:04:33,765
but you're willing to reserve
judgment until you get to know me.
107
00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:35,367
No.
108
00:04:35,435 --> 00:04:37,036
You've made up your mind
and I'm screwed.
109
00:04:37,103 --> 00:04:39,872
In a perfect world, yes.
110
00:04:39,939 --> 00:04:42,141
But what I think doesn't matter.
111
00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,977
Your probation is based upon
you screwing up again.
112
00:04:45,044 --> 00:04:47,379
And when you do, I will bury you deeper
113
00:04:47,447 --> 00:04:49,047
than the pharaohs of old.
114
00:04:49,115 --> 00:04:51,049
Okay, I don't mean to correct you,
115
00:04:51,117 --> 00:04:53,285
but technically not all
pharaohs were buried.
116
00:04:53,353 --> 00:04:56,594
A lot of them were entombed in little
things above ground called pyramids.
117
00:04:58,057 --> 00:05:00,292
Excuse me, Dr. Cameron.
Can I see you for a moment?
118
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,561
Excuse me. I'll be right back.
119
00:05:02,629 --> 00:05:05,297
You know, maybe it's just the sense
of fun you bring to any situation,
120
00:05:05,365 --> 00:05:06,965
but I miss you already.
121
00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:15,174
I'm busy. What is it?
122
00:05:15,241 --> 00:05:17,676
Well, I've got to get out of here early
tonight. I'm going to a concert.
123
00:05:17,744 --> 00:05:20,179
This is a job and you
stay until it's done.
124
00:05:20,246 --> 00:05:23,549
You just don't get up and want to leave
early because you're my daughter.
125
00:05:27,654 --> 00:05:29,788
Sorry.
126
00:05:29,856 --> 00:05:31,857
My assistant,
127
00:05:31,925 --> 00:05:34,092
she's always trying to screw me.
128
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,712
Been there.
129
00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:40,713
Anger Management 2x53
- Charlie and His Probation Officer's Daughter -
Original air date March 20, 2014
130
00:05:40,714 --> 00:05:42,714
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
131
00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:44,266
Did you find the mouse yet?
132
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:46,335
No, I just finished setting the traps.
133
00:05:46,403 --> 00:05:47,903
Don't worry. It won't hurt you.
134
00:05:47,971 --> 00:05:50,132
He's probably more scared
of you than you are of him,
135
00:05:50,173 --> 00:05:52,508
like I am.
136
00:05:52,576 --> 00:05:54,376
Why would you be scared of me, Nolan?
137
00:05:54,444 --> 00:05:56,712
If I wanted to hurt you,
I would have by now.
138
00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:58,714
You have hurt me. Many times.
139
00:05:58,782 --> 00:06:02,484
Yes, because I wanted to.
140
00:06:02,552 --> 00:06:04,587
( Clicking )
What was that?
141
00:06:04,654 --> 00:06:07,122
I don't know, but I think he'll come out
142
00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:10,426
if we stay quiet and still
for an hour or two.
143
00:06:10,493 --> 00:06:13,329
Maybe lay down on top of each
other with our clothes off.
144
00:06:14,497 --> 00:06:15,798
Go check in the bathroom.
145
00:06:15,866 --> 00:06:18,133
Mice are attracted to nudity.
146
00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:19,435
Go!
147
00:06:23,673 --> 00:06:25,474
- Oh, my God!
- Did you get him?
148
00:06:25,475 --> 00:06:27,776
No, we both use Pert Plus.
149
00:06:30,747 --> 00:06:33,515
- Got him.
- Then come out.
150
00:06:33,583 --> 00:06:36,085
You know, according to your scale,
151
00:06:36,152 --> 00:06:38,888
I lost 20 pounds since I left my house.
152
00:06:38,955 --> 00:06:42,524
It's adjusted for water weight.
153
00:06:42,592 --> 00:06:44,727
Did you get the mouse?
154
00:06:44,794 --> 00:06:46,762
Here's the little fella,
155
00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:48,664
all safe in his house.
156
00:06:48,732 --> 00:06:50,699
( Squeals )
Yay.
157
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,008
Totally saved my life. Thanks, Nolan.
158
00:06:53,036 --> 00:06:55,137
Side hug.
159
00:06:55,205 --> 00:06:57,106
You and that thing can go now.
160
00:06:59,109 --> 00:07:01,076
Bye.
161
00:07:01,144 --> 00:07:03,746
( Whimpers )
162
00:07:03,813 --> 00:07:05,581
Hey, little guy.
163
00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:07,716
I'm gonna call you Mickey
164
00:07:07,784 --> 00:07:10,219
'cause you remind me of my
favorite character as a kid.
165
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:12,821
Mickey Rourke.
166
00:07:12,889 --> 00:07:14,730
Did you see her hug me in there?
167
00:07:14,758 --> 00:07:16,525
It was all because of you.
168
00:07:16,593 --> 00:07:19,595
Hey, do you want to do this
again tomorrow night?
169
00:07:19,663 --> 00:07:21,130
Cool.
170
00:07:38,315 --> 00:07:40,416
So Nolan caught the mouse
171
00:07:40,483 --> 00:07:43,018
and it was the bravest
thing I've ever seen.
172
00:07:43,086 --> 00:07:45,721
Except for a fireman who ran
into a burning building
173
00:07:45,789 --> 00:07:48,324
to save a pair of shoes I left in there.
174
00:07:48,391 --> 00:07:51,627
He went into a burning
building for shoes?
175
00:07:51,695 --> 00:07:53,462
Yeah.
176
00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:57,766
After I told him there was a
baby in a Gucci shoe box.
177
00:07:57,834 --> 00:08:00,436
The real victim here is the next baby
178
00:08:00,503 --> 00:08:03,472
in a shoe box stuck
in a burning building.
179
00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:05,641
So have you seen any more mice?
180
00:08:05,709 --> 00:08:06,875
Nope.
181
00:08:06,943 --> 00:08:07,910
- Really?
- No.
182
00:08:07,978 --> 00:08:09,345
Because where there's one mouse,
183
00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:10,813
there's usually at least one more
184
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,349
that looks exactly like him.
185
00:08:13,416 --> 00:08:15,451
Sure, he can say it about mice,
186
00:08:15,518 --> 00:08:17,419
but if I say it about
the damned Asians...
187
00:08:17,487 --> 00:08:18,487
And we're out of time.
188
00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:22,825
See you all next week.
189
00:08:24,794 --> 00:08:26,328
So, Goodson...
190
00:08:28,965 --> 00:08:31,005
you always allow
racist comments in group?
191
00:08:31,034 --> 00:08:32,901
Well, I would have cut him off sooner,
192
00:08:32,969 --> 00:08:34,436
but I think we were all
a little bit curious
193
00:08:34,504 --> 00:08:37,539
about which ethnic group
he was gonna insult this time.
194
00:08:37,607 --> 00:08:39,375
Charlie, I want to do the guns again.
195
00:08:39,442 --> 00:08:42,511
I like shooting Ed
when he says stuff like that.
196
00:08:42,579 --> 00:08:45,080
- Guns?
- Guns. Guns.
197
00:08:45,148 --> 00:08:46,782
Guns are what we call strong words.
198
00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:49,351
When we shoot our gun,
we're expressing ourselves.
199
00:08:49,419 --> 00:08:51,653
Ed, you hurt me.
200
00:08:51,721 --> 00:08:53,756
See? I just shot my gun.
201
00:08:55,158 --> 00:08:56,725
Hi, Dad.
202
00:08:56,793 --> 00:08:58,527
Oh, Dr. Cameron, my daughter Sam.
203
00:08:58,595 --> 00:08:59,995
- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.
204
00:09:00,063 --> 00:09:01,964
Dad, you know how I usually
have to check my locker
205
00:09:02,032 --> 00:09:03,899
a million times
to make sure it's locked?
206
00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:05,834
Well, today, I only checked it once.
207
00:09:05,902 --> 00:09:08,103
Well, that's fabulous.
Congratulations, sweetie.
208
00:09:08,171 --> 00:09:11,840
Yeah. So I think I'm
gonna go back to school.
209
00:09:11,908 --> 00:09:13,475
- Why?
- I think I forgot a book.
210
00:09:15,512 --> 00:09:17,379
My daughter has a bit of OCD.
211
00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:18,714
You don't have to tell me.
212
00:09:18,782 --> 00:09:21,016
I recognize the symptoms
in my own daughter.
213
00:09:21,084 --> 00:09:22,785
She works in my office.
214
00:09:24,287 --> 00:09:26,255
Your daughter?
215
00:09:26,322 --> 00:09:29,091
Yes, Shannon. You met her.
216
00:09:29,159 --> 00:09:31,560
Any chance it was the Hispanic lady
217
00:09:31,628 --> 00:09:33,095
mopping the hallway?
218
00:09:33,163 --> 00:09:35,464
No, the receptionist.
219
00:09:35,532 --> 00:09:37,299
She's my little girl.
220
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,500
( Phone chimes )
221
00:09:42,172 --> 00:09:44,840
- You need to get that?
- No, no. No, it can wait.
222
00:09:44,908 --> 00:09:47,476
( Phone chimes )
So, how does your daughter's OCD
223
00:09:47,544 --> 00:09:50,345
manifest itself?
Repetition? Hand washing?
224
00:09:50,413 --> 00:09:52,448
It's the thing she does to men.
225
00:09:52,515 --> 00:09:54,483
Oh.
( Phone chimes )
226
00:09:54,551 --> 00:09:58,053
She meets some guy, and if he doesn't
contact her in a couple of days,
227
00:09:58,121 --> 00:10:01,090
she becomes insecure and clingy.
228
00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:04,593
( Phone chimes )
Feels compelled to text him like a madman.
229
00:10:04,661 --> 00:10:08,063
( Phone chimes )
I feel sorry for those guys.
230
00:10:08,131 --> 00:10:10,232
( Phone chimes )
231
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:12,301
You sure you don't have to get that?
232
00:10:12,368 --> 00:10:15,904
I've never been more sure about
anything in my entire life.
233
00:10:15,972 --> 00:10:17,773
I should probably leave.
234
00:10:19,542 --> 00:10:21,610
Frankly, I blame the men.
235
00:10:21,678 --> 00:10:24,546
These guys come in, take advantage
of her, then break her heart.
236
00:10:24,614 --> 00:10:26,348
I've yet to put my hands on one.
237
00:10:26,416 --> 00:10:28,617
When I do, I'll make him
pay for all the others.
238
00:10:28,685 --> 00:10:31,320
That doesn't seem fair.
239
00:10:31,387 --> 00:10:34,056
I'm not a fair man, Goodson.
240
00:10:36,926 --> 00:10:38,727
You're the ethics guy.
241
00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:44,924
( Phone chimes )
242
00:10:46,727 --> 00:10:48,527
( Phone chimes )
243
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,534
( Phone chimes )
244
00:10:55,602 --> 00:10:57,503
What is up with your phone?
245
00:10:57,571 --> 00:10:59,205
Who's texting you?
246
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:00,973
Friends.
247
00:11:01,041 --> 00:11:03,041
You're just jealous 'cause I'm popular.
248
00:11:05,045 --> 00:11:07,925
( Phone chimes )
Son of a bitch! Leave me alone!
249
00:11:09,659 --> 00:11:11,860
It's a girl, isn't it?
250
00:11:11,885 --> 00:11:14,954
The second you meet somebody,
you want to jump their bones
251
00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:17,957
and then you find out
that they're crazy.
252
00:11:18,024 --> 00:11:20,259
That's not what this is.
253
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:22,728
This is a lot of different
friends driving me nuts.
254
00:11:22,796 --> 00:11:25,030
"Whatcha doing?" "Did you get my texts?"
255
00:11:26,804 --> 00:11:30,045
Hey, Charlie. Whatcha doing?
Did you get my texts?
256
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:32,471
Right again.
257
00:11:32,539 --> 00:11:34,607
Shannon, what are you doing here?
258
00:11:34,674 --> 00:11:37,877
Can't your girlfriend come
and see where you work?
259
00:11:37,944 --> 00:11:39,912
I'm Shannon. Who are you?
260
00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:41,380
I'm Jordan.
261
00:11:41,448 --> 00:11:44,683
Jordan is also a girl.
262
00:11:44,751 --> 00:11:46,852
And my friend.
263
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,021
So she's my girlfriend, too.
264
00:11:49,089 --> 00:11:50,656
Like you are.
265
00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:53,626
Yes, but we're not
having sex like you are.
266
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,040
Yes, but you and I are doing a
scientific study on that very subject.
267
00:11:59,065 --> 00:12:01,634
You'll find this interesting.
268
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:05,271
It is a proven fact
that people can have sex
269
00:12:05,338 --> 00:12:07,973
one time, like we did,
and just be friends.
270
00:12:09,176 --> 00:12:10,876
A proven fact.
271
00:12:10,944 --> 00:12:13,112
Like gravity.
272
00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:15,948
Are you trying to tell me
that we're just friends now?
273
00:12:17,608 --> 00:12:19,728
I think I know what's going on here.
274
00:12:19,753 --> 00:12:22,521
You're worried my dad is gonna
find out about us and freak.
275
00:12:22,589 --> 00:12:24,323
But as long as we're together,
276
00:12:24,391 --> 00:12:27,626
nothing bad will ever happen
because I will never tell him.
277
00:12:27,694 --> 00:12:29,855
Now, are we in a relationship or not?
278
00:12:31,631 --> 00:12:33,332
Sure sounds like it.
279
00:12:34,668 --> 00:12:36,001
( Knocking )
280
00:12:40,791 --> 00:12:42,751
Thanks for coming over so quick.
281
00:12:42,776 --> 00:12:45,778
I was just taking a bath
and I saw another mouse.
282
00:12:45,846 --> 00:12:48,214
I know this is stressful. Why
don't you pour us some wine,
283
00:12:48,281 --> 00:12:52,151
light some candles
while I kill this mouse?
284
00:12:52,219 --> 00:12:55,654
And if another one comes back
tomorrow, I'll kill him, too.
285
00:12:55,722 --> 00:12:57,056
Maybe I should just get a cat.
286
00:12:57,123 --> 00:12:59,024
If you do, I'll come back
and kill him, too.
287
00:12:59,092 --> 00:13:00,826
( Gasps )
288
00:13:00,894 --> 00:13:03,128
You know, if he's bothering you.
289
00:13:04,865 --> 00:13:06,365
Well, I don't see anything.
290
00:13:06,433 --> 00:13:08,834
But I'll stay here
all night if I have to.
291
00:13:08,902 --> 00:13:10,603
( Sighs )
292
00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:13,505
You want to watch a movie or something?
293
00:13:13,573 --> 00:13:15,407
Maybe get back in the bath?
294
00:13:15,475 --> 00:13:16,742
( Squeaking )
There it is!
295
00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,177
What are you doing?
296
00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:20,379
You're too slow.
I'm gonna kill it myself.
297
00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:22,615
No, you can't, Lacey,
because of your religion.
298
00:13:22,682 --> 00:13:24,650
- Whatever it's called.
- Oh, Hindu, Shmindu.
299
00:13:24,718 --> 00:13:27,386
Shmindu, that's it.
300
00:13:27,454 --> 00:13:31,056
- Prepare to die.
- No, Lacey, stop.
301
00:13:31,124 --> 00:13:33,004
I can't let you do this to Mickey.
302
00:13:33,026 --> 00:13:35,594
Mickey's not a pest. He's my friend.
303
00:13:35,662 --> 00:13:39,265
There was only one mouse and I let him
in your apartment so I could be near you.
304
00:13:39,332 --> 00:13:42,534
- Nolan.
- No, I love him.
305
00:13:42,602 --> 00:13:45,004
And no one's gonna hurt him.
306
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,009
Now where'd he go?
I want to take him home.
307
00:13:50,076 --> 00:13:52,478
He was on the broom.
308
00:13:52,545 --> 00:13:53,712
What?
309
00:13:58,318 --> 00:14:00,886
Oh.
310
00:14:00,954 --> 00:14:04,456
Well, hopefully now
he's in Shmindu heaven.
311
00:14:06,870 --> 00:14:08,870
I was talking last week about how anger
312
00:14:08,895 --> 00:14:10,329
is often a by-product of fear.
313
00:14:10,397 --> 00:14:12,898
So I'd like to go around
the room and have each of us
314
00:14:12,966 --> 00:14:15,234
state what we're most afraid of.
315
00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:17,303
My biggest fear is public speaking.
316
00:14:17,370 --> 00:14:19,505
The first time I robbed a bank,
317
00:14:19,572 --> 00:14:21,340
instead of saying,
"Give me all your money,"
318
00:14:21,408 --> 00:14:23,442
I said, "Give me all your monkeys."
319
00:14:23,510 --> 00:14:26,812
And it fell apart from there.
320
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,681
Cleo, what are you most afraid of?
321
00:14:28,748 --> 00:14:30,783
You know Marcellus,
322
00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:33,252
the meanest, baddest prisoner
in this whole place?
323
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,753
I think I've heard of him.
324
00:14:34,821 --> 00:14:37,489
I'm afraid he no longer
finds me attractive.
325
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:41,160
I mean, he was obsessed with me,
326
00:14:41,227 --> 00:14:44,263
but now when he sees me,
it's like I'm not even there.
327
00:14:44,331 --> 00:14:46,098
So he was obsessed with you
328
00:14:46,166 --> 00:14:48,367
and you got him to stop? How?
329
00:14:48,435 --> 00:14:50,676
You got a problem with someone
obsessing on you, Charlie?
330
00:14:50,737 --> 00:14:53,072
Yes, and I'm afraid
if I break up with her,
331
00:14:53,139 --> 00:14:55,300
then her dad will take away
my therapy license.
332
00:14:56,843 --> 00:14:59,979
If he does, I know a guy that
can make a fake one for you.
333
00:15:00,046 --> 00:15:01,747
You got four packs of cigarettes
334
00:15:01,815 --> 00:15:05,451
and a pair of gently used
old lady underwear?
335
00:15:05,518 --> 00:15:07,386
I don't.
336
00:15:08,139 --> 00:15:11,499
I'm a little concerned about
the crowd you're hanging with.
337
00:15:11,524 --> 00:15:14,093
You got to make up a great lie.
338
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,296
One that'll make her think breaking
up with you is her only option.
339
00:15:17,364 --> 00:15:20,666
I know a guy who can come up
with a great lie for you.
340
00:15:20,734 --> 00:15:24,103
You got a complete set of oil
paints and a six-pack of root beer?
341
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:26,138
Him I like.
342
00:15:26,206 --> 00:15:27,840
Oh, he's the same guy
with the underwear.
343
00:15:27,907 --> 00:15:30,809
Just has a crazy pricing system.
344
00:15:30,877 --> 00:15:32,478
Ernesto's right about the lie.
345
00:15:32,545 --> 00:15:34,013
But it can't be just any lie.
346
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,080
It's got to be a lie that she relates to
347
00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:38,350
so she'll believe it.
348
00:15:38,418 --> 00:15:41,587
Exactly. I didn't want my kids
to know that I killed people,
349
00:15:41,654 --> 00:15:44,323
so I told them I'm in here
'cause I robbed a candy store.
350
00:15:44,391 --> 00:15:46,225
They can relate to that.
351
00:15:46,292 --> 00:15:47,993
That's why they believed my lie.
352
00:15:48,061 --> 00:15:49,695
That's very thoughtful, Wayne.
353
00:15:49,763 --> 00:15:52,398
But wait, wait, wait.
You don't have any kids.
354
00:15:52,465 --> 00:15:55,300
But you do. That's why
you believed my lie.
355
00:15:58,245 --> 00:16:00,447
I feel really close to you right now.
356
00:16:00,514 --> 00:16:04,050
Maybe it's because you've
sitting in my lap for an hour.
357
00:16:04,118 --> 00:16:06,086
You're so funny.
358
00:16:06,153 --> 00:16:08,855
Why don't I get us a couple of beers
359
00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:10,990
while my scrotum reinflates?
360
00:16:23,871 --> 00:16:26,606
I hope you like Corona
'cause it's all I got!
361
00:16:29,677 --> 00:16:31,111
Missed you.
362
00:16:33,147 --> 00:16:35,315
We... we should talk.
363
00:16:39,053 --> 00:16:40,787
No, no, no. Over there. Over there.
364
00:16:44,892 --> 00:16:46,693
Is everything okay?
365
00:16:46,761 --> 00:16:48,962
I mean, we're having
a good time, aren't we?
366
00:16:49,029 --> 00:16:51,331
Oh, yeah. No, this is
friggin' Mardi Gras.
367
00:16:55,269 --> 00:16:57,229
But I have to tell you
something very serious.
368
00:16:57,271 --> 00:16:59,038
It's about my ex-wife Jennifer.
369
00:16:59,106 --> 00:17:00,507
What is it?
370
00:17:00,574 --> 00:17:02,409
She has an extreme case of...
371
00:17:02,476 --> 00:17:04,043
I don't know if you've heard of this...
372
00:17:04,111 --> 00:17:06,579
OCD.
373
00:17:06,647 --> 00:17:09,082
Heard of it? You are
not gonna believe it,
374
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:11,184
but I've got it.
375
00:17:11,252 --> 00:17:14,087
What? You're kidding? I had no idea.
376
00:17:14,155 --> 00:17:15,789
Yeah.
377
00:17:15,856 --> 00:17:18,591
I can totally relate to her problems.
378
00:17:18,659 --> 00:17:21,461
Well, I was hoping you would.
379
00:17:21,529 --> 00:17:24,030
But her situation has gotten so bad
380
00:17:24,098 --> 00:17:26,533
that she's gonna have
to move back in here with me.
381
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,768
And I don't think we can
keep seeing each other.
382
00:17:28,836 --> 00:17:30,503
Are you sure?
383
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:35,208
'Cause I've got my OCD
completely under control.
384
00:17:35,276 --> 00:17:38,278
Sure, you. But she can
barely leave her house.
385
00:17:38,345 --> 00:17:41,548
- Hey, Charlie.
- Jennifer!
386
00:17:41,615 --> 00:17:44,217
What are you doing out of your house?
387
00:17:44,285 --> 00:17:47,187
Is this about me sleeping in
till noon yesterday?
388
00:17:47,254 --> 00:17:49,889
'Cause I don't need your sarcastic crap.
389
00:17:49,957 --> 00:17:51,791
Hi, I'm Jennifer, Charlie's ex.
390
00:17:51,823 --> 00:17:54,703
And don't mind me, I'm just here to
pick up my daughter's tennis racquet.
391
00:17:54,728 --> 00:17:58,131
I'm just grabbing something
to drink and I'm out.
392
00:17:58,199 --> 00:18:00,633
She seems like she's doing pretty well.
393
00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:02,602
Are you sure she needs supervision?
394
00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:04,437
Are you kidding me?
395
00:18:04,505 --> 00:18:07,240
Watch her obsessive rituals.
396
00:18:07,308 --> 00:18:10,510
First, she pours herself
a glass of water.
397
00:18:10,578 --> 00:18:13,947
And fills it to right there.
398
00:18:14,014 --> 00:18:16,149
Every time.
399
00:18:16,217 --> 00:18:18,218
It's painful to watch.
400
00:18:18,285 --> 00:18:19,819
Now she brings it to her lips.
401
00:18:19,887 --> 00:18:21,521
And watch how many times she swallows.
402
00:18:21,589 --> 00:18:24,591
One, two, three.
403
00:18:24,658 --> 00:18:26,698
Three. It's always three. It's so sad.
404
00:18:27,995 --> 00:18:30,363
Then she looks over at me suspicious.
405
00:18:30,431 --> 00:18:32,165
We're working on this part.
406
00:18:32,233 --> 00:18:34,434
Hey, honey.
407
00:18:34,502 --> 00:18:37,170
Charlie, do you mind if I cut
myself up an avocado?
408
00:18:37,238 --> 00:18:39,339
Sure. Go ahead.
409
00:18:39,406 --> 00:18:40,840
Did you hear that?
410
00:18:40,908 --> 00:18:42,842
She said, "cut myself up."
It's about to go sideways.
411
00:18:42,910 --> 00:18:44,430
You should leave while you can.
412
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:48,781
Jen, give me the knife.
413
00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:50,683
- Why?
- You know why.
414
00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:52,619
Go, Shannon. Go.
415
00:18:57,625 --> 00:18:59,959
From now on, if you're gonna use me
416
00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:01,628
to get rid of some crazy bitch,
417
00:19:01,695 --> 00:19:03,763
let me know in advance.
418
00:19:03,831 --> 00:19:05,932
You should be nice to me.
419
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,000
I just left a very important
relationship to take care of you.
420
00:19:11,071 --> 00:19:14,474
So, I wake up last night and
there's a ferret in my bed.
421
00:19:14,542 --> 00:19:16,976
It's not mine. I promise.
422
00:19:17,044 --> 00:19:19,245
It has a tag on the harness
423
00:19:19,313 --> 00:19:21,180
that says "Nolan's ferret."
424
00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:23,449
First of all, it's pronounced...
425
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:25,877
( With French accent )
"No-lahn's ferray."
426
00:19:26,787 --> 00:19:29,856
Which means "Nolan's ferret."
427
00:19:29,924 --> 00:19:33,359
I had an exciting time
myself last night.
428
00:19:33,427 --> 00:19:35,461
I flipped on the TV
429
00:19:35,529 --> 00:19:38,031
and there was "A Place in the Sun"
430
00:19:38,098 --> 00:19:42,902
with a young, hot Elizabeth Taylor.
431
00:19:42,970 --> 00:19:44,837
Oh, my God, I watched that, too.
432
00:19:44,905 --> 00:19:47,240
Elizabeth Taylor was so gorgeous.
433
00:19:47,308 --> 00:19:49,509
You've got that right, kiddo.
434
00:19:49,577 --> 00:19:51,878
Hey, we finally found it.
435
00:19:51,946 --> 00:19:53,379
The intersection of old and gay.
436
00:19:55,616 --> 00:19:57,717
Well, thanks, everybody.
See you next week.
437
00:20:05,326 --> 00:20:07,727
So, Doc, how am I doing?
438
00:20:07,795 --> 00:20:09,495
As a therapist?
439
00:20:09,563 --> 00:20:11,965
You seem to be competent.
440
00:20:12,032 --> 00:20:14,434
Your personal life is another story.
441
00:20:14,501 --> 00:20:16,169
My daughter told me everything.
442
00:20:16,236 --> 00:20:19,272
Okay, in my defense,
she's got daddy issues.
443
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,040
That's kind of on you.
444
00:20:23,010 --> 00:20:24,777
Excuse me?
445
00:20:24,845 --> 00:20:26,646
She told me about your ex-wife's problem
446
00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:28,081
and how you're taking care of her.
447
00:20:28,148 --> 00:20:29,682
I think that's extraordinary.
448
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,118
Oh, that. Well, it's the least I can do
449
00:20:32,186 --> 00:20:33,786
given my high moral standards.
450
00:20:33,854 --> 00:20:36,222
With that in mind,
451
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:39,559
I think you can go without the constant
monitoring for a couple of months.
452
00:20:39,627 --> 00:20:41,661
Wow! Thank you.
453
00:20:41,729 --> 00:20:43,363
I couldn't be happier.
454
00:20:43,430 --> 00:20:45,031
Other than the fact that my ex-wife's
455
00:20:45,099 --> 00:20:47,967
mental health is rapidly deteriorating.
456
00:20:48,035 --> 00:20:50,670
Guess who got lucky last night.
457
00:20:50,738 --> 00:20:54,273
Oh, hi. I'm Jen, Charlie's ex-wife.
458
00:20:54,341 --> 00:20:56,409
Sorry to interrupt.
459
00:21:01,806 --> 00:21:04,126
Okay, I need to fire her new caregiver.
460
00:21:04,151 --> 00:21:06,967
That guy is taking
way too many liberties.
461
00:21:07,317 --> 00:21:15,317
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com