1
00:00:00,110 --> 00:00:02,343
So, I know the last session
that some of you thought that my...
2
00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:05,390
my tone sounded a... a tad judgmental...
3
00:00:05,430 --> 00:00:07,063
Patrick.
4
00:00:07,131 --> 00:00:09,232
You just did it again.
5
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:13,103
I am truly sorry... Patrick.
6
00:00:13,171 --> 00:00:15,539
And again.
7
00:00:15,606 --> 00:00:19,843
And that's why, to avoid
any confusion about my tone,
8
00:00:19,911 --> 00:00:21,878
I'm gonna start speaking through this.
9
00:00:23,748 --> 00:00:25,589
Let us begin.
10
00:00:26,584 --> 00:00:29,886
Lacey, tell us of your weekend.
11
00:00:29,954 --> 00:00:32,689
Um, okay, well, I met this guy
12
00:00:32,757 --> 00:00:34,825
who told me he had courtside
seats to a basketball game.
13
00:00:34,892 --> 00:00:36,860
Where is the rebel base?
14
00:00:39,030 --> 00:00:42,599
Sorry. Continue.
15
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,734
Okay, so, anyway, I go,
16
00:00:44,802 --> 00:00:47,504
thinking I'm gonna get
to flirt with Blake Griffin,
17
00:00:47,572 --> 00:00:51,842
but, no, he takes me to a WNBA game.
18
00:00:51,909 --> 00:00:55,078
I mean, one of the girls looked
vaguely like Blake Griffin,
19
00:00:55,146 --> 00:00:57,066
but, you know, with more facial hair.
20
00:00:59,016 --> 00:01:02,752
I once slept with a woman
on a WNBA team.
21
00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:05,822
We did it in public.
Still couldn't draw a crowd.
22
00:01:09,604 --> 00:01:12,805
I don't know how they got the voice
of my mother inside that megaphone,
23
00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:15,265
but it is really weirding me out.
24
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:19,569
I'll change it.
25
00:01:19,637 --> 00:01:22,517
So, how did that make you feel, Lacey?
26
00:01:24,175 --> 00:01:25,876
It sucked.
27
00:01:25,943 --> 00:01:28,063
I wanted to choke him out
with my souvenir sports bra,
28
00:01:28,112 --> 00:01:29,579
but instead I got even with him.
29
00:01:29,647 --> 00:01:32,048
I destroyed his rating on Lizzie.
30
00:01:32,116 --> 00:01:34,384
Good for you. Hashtag
the hell out of him.
31
00:01:35,953 --> 00:01:39,353
I fought in Vietnam so you
two could speak English.
32
00:01:41,359 --> 00:01:44,861
Lizzie is a women-only site where we
can rate the men we've been out with.
33
00:01:44,929 --> 00:01:49,299
It's like Yelp for asswipes.
34
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:50,967
Is that seriously a thing now?
35
00:01:51,035 --> 00:01:53,470
Don't worry, Charlie.
Nobody's rated you yet.
36
00:01:53,538 --> 00:01:55,672
But, Nolan, you're on there.
37
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:58,341
It says you fell asleep during sex.
38
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:01,878
Someone admitted to having sex with me?
39
00:02:01,946 --> 00:02:05,749
Between that and my job interview
at a bike shop tomorrow,
40
00:02:05,816 --> 00:02:08,919
look out, world, here comes Nolan.
41
00:02:10,988 --> 00:02:14,424
By the way, my wife
has quit returning my calls.
42
00:02:14,492 --> 00:02:17,060
Does anybody know somebody I can date?
43
00:02:17,128 --> 00:02:21,531
I'm putting this meat
back in the window.
44
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,733
Good for you, Ed.
45
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:25,902
And thanks for not gesturing anywhere
46
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:28,872
to highlight the word "meat."
47
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,008
Speaking of that,
who was that little filly
48
00:02:32,076 --> 00:02:34,277
that dropped you off over here, Nolan?
49
00:02:34,345 --> 00:02:36,112
Somebody picked you up hitchhiking?
50
00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:38,682
Oh, that was my mom, Phyllis.
51
00:02:38,749 --> 00:02:41,217
How'd you know her nickname?
52
00:02:41,285 --> 00:02:44,721
Nah, forget about it. That'd be weird.
53
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:47,290
No, it wouldn't, Dad. Ask her out.
54
00:02:47,358 --> 00:02:50,694
Her last boyfriend just left her
because I kept calling him Dad.
55
00:02:50,761 --> 00:02:53,930
Have you explored the possibility
56
00:02:53,998 --> 00:02:58,435
that you might be longing for a
strong male figure in your life?
57
00:02:58,502 --> 00:03:02,372
I'll definitely consider it,
Uncle Charlie.
58
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,441
Great, great.
59
00:03:04,508 --> 00:03:06,409
Well, guys, so far this has been
a very productive session,
60
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,878
wouldn't you agree...
61
00:03:08,946 --> 00:03:11,295
Patrick?
62
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:15,357
Anger Management 2x53
- Charlie Gets Date Rated -
Original air date March 27, 2014
63
00:03:15,419 --> 00:03:17,621
I joined Lizzie about a year ago
64
00:03:17,688 --> 00:03:20,957
after I caught my boyfriend with a
hand in another woman's cookie jar.
65
00:03:21,025 --> 00:03:22,905
And his other hand down her pants.
66
00:03:24,462 --> 00:03:26,529
Here is your Lizzie profile, slugger.
67
00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:30,166
Ooh, not bad. Four stars out of five.
68
00:03:30,234 --> 00:03:33,603
"Kisses like a god,
incredible in the sack."
69
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:36,406
Oh, this is funny.
"Might be illiterate."
70
00:03:36,474 --> 00:03:39,009
Look at that... misspelled illiterate.
71
00:03:39,076 --> 00:03:42,145
No, she didn't.
72
00:03:42,213 --> 00:03:45,415
Oh, she just got on there.
73
00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:47,003
You want to see your profile, Charlie?
74
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,785
I can't. It links through Facebook,
75
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,813
which I'm happy to say that I quit...
76
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,423
although I do miss knowing when
my ex-wife does her laundry.
77
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:58,128
Wow.
78
00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:00,930
Oh, man. Contact has been made.
79
00:04:00,998 --> 00:04:02,966
- I'm going in.
- Dude, dude, you just saw her.
80
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,168
If you go in now, you'll look desperate.
81
00:04:06,604 --> 00:04:10,507
What do you think, five, 10 minutes?
82
00:04:10,574 --> 00:04:12,475
I'll let you know.
83
00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:15,879
Damn it, how do you keep
missing the cutoff?
84
00:04:15,946 --> 00:04:17,647
You a Reds fan?
85
00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:19,115
I'm not allowed to pick a favorite.
86
00:04:19,150 --> 00:04:20,650
I work for Major League Baseball.
87
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,119
But I'm a total Reds fan.
88
00:04:23,187 --> 00:04:25,288
Me, too. A Reds fan, that is.
89
00:04:25,356 --> 00:04:26,756
I don't work for Major League Baseball.
90
00:04:26,824 --> 00:04:28,825
Otherwise, I would've
hit on you at the office.
91
00:04:30,428 --> 00:04:32,862
- I'm Charlie Goodson.
- Holly Wilson.
92
00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:35,832
Wait, you were on the '95 Dodgers.
93
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,340
You're that maniac who broke a bat
over his knee and ended his career.
94
00:04:39,370 --> 00:04:42,505
Wow, a Reds fan and you know
my career highlights.
95
00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:44,708
If you tell me that "Apocalypse
Now" is your favorite film,
96
00:04:44,775 --> 00:04:46,015
you might be the perfect woman.
97
00:04:46,043 --> 00:04:47,677
Oh, I do love that film,
98
00:04:47,745 --> 00:04:50,113
but it could've used more
full-frontal girl-on-girl sex.
99
00:04:50,181 --> 00:04:52,682
Let's get married right now.
100
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:56,352
I would, but I have to catch a meeting.
101
00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:59,823
Give me a call sometime
and maybe we can hook up.
102
00:04:59,890 --> 00:05:02,051
Hope you have a good Lizzie rating.
103
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:05,895
I hope you're joking
'cause I don't have one.
104
00:05:05,963 --> 00:05:09,833
Oh, I only go out with guys
who have Lizzie ratings.
105
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,141
But can't you tell I'm a great
guy just by looking at me?
106
00:05:12,169 --> 00:05:14,771
- Everybody else can.
- You probably are...
107
00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:17,240
but I'm just way too busy to
take a chance on a bad date.
108
00:05:17,308 --> 00:05:19,976
I need a quick filter that separates
the wheat from the chaff.
109
00:05:20,044 --> 00:05:21,377
Sorry.
110
00:05:21,445 --> 00:05:24,314
Wait, check Lizzie in a couple days
111
00:05:24,381 --> 00:05:26,316
and you'll see that I'm the wheat...
112
00:05:26,383 --> 00:05:28,752
or the chaff. Whichever's the good one.
113
00:05:30,988 --> 00:05:32,922
It's gotta be wheat.
114
00:05:32,990 --> 00:05:36,025
No Olympian wants to be
on a box of Chaffies.
115
00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,216
Hey, Jen, is Charlie here?
116
00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:43,551
He said he wanted to ask me a favor.
117
00:05:43,618 --> 00:05:44,985
Me, too.
118
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,021
Oh, man, if this is about
a three-way again,
119
00:05:47,088 --> 00:05:50,591
I'm gonna hit him with this coffeepot.
120
00:05:50,659 --> 00:05:53,527
No reflection on you. You're adorable.
121
00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:56,096
I think we should
say yes to that three-way.
122
00:05:56,164 --> 00:05:57,831
Tie him to his bed,
123
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,800
put his balls in a dish of ice,
124
00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:02,203
and leave.
125
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:04,371
Are they still attached?
126
00:06:04,439 --> 00:06:08,542
Not necessarily.
127
00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:11,378
- Men.
- Are you all right?
128
00:06:11,446 --> 00:06:13,380
Bad date last night.
129
00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:16,584
The capper in a streak
130
00:06:16,651 --> 00:06:18,919
of disasters.
131
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:20,554
This guy couldn't even
get through one sentence
132
00:06:20,622 --> 00:06:22,690
without doing the burp and blow.
133
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,024
Ah.
134
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,193
Oh!
135
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:27,928
- And you know what else?
- What?
136
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:30,764
This loser ditched me.
137
00:06:30,832 --> 00:06:34,835
Eating was all that
I could do not to cry.
138
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,041
Turns out I can do both
at the same time.
139
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:45,012
Oh, good, good. You're both here.
140
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,182
Now, this is a little awkward and
you're probably gonna say no,
141
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:50,084
but a lot of girls are doing this now
142
00:06:50,151 --> 00:06:52,686
and it would make me really happy.
143
00:06:52,754 --> 00:06:54,288
I'll get the knife.
144
00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:56,156
What, what, what? No, no, no, no.
145
00:06:56,224 --> 00:06:58,104
I'm not talking about a three-way.
146
00:06:59,065 --> 00:07:02,105
I just need you to give me a
couple of good ratings on Lizzie
147
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,230
so this girl will go out with me.
148
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,366
- What?
- It's easy.
149
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:08,602
You just go on their website
and say that I'm awesome.
150
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,437
- No way.
- Oh, come on.
151
00:07:10,505 --> 00:07:12,273
You owe me, Jen.
152
00:07:12,340 --> 00:07:14,675
What about the time I got you
that spa weekend in Palm Springs?
153
00:07:14,743 --> 00:07:16,543
That was to get me out of the house
154
00:07:16,611 --> 00:07:19,980
so you could throw
that giant party with hookers.
155
00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:23,083
Okay, first of all, they were models.
156
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:26,071
Second of all, we were both a
lot less tense that Monday.
157
00:07:27,689 --> 00:07:30,691
And, third, just a few
of them were hookers.
158
00:07:30,759 --> 00:07:32,459
Not gonna happen.
159
00:07:32,527 --> 00:07:34,088
Besides, I can't even get on that site.
160
00:07:34,129 --> 00:07:35,930
They kicked me off of Facebook.
161
00:07:35,964 --> 00:07:38,098
That's crazy.
162
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,800
Your status updates were, like,
163
00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:43,804
"Just added dryer sheet.
Wish me luck. Wink."
164
00:07:43,872 --> 00:07:46,106
Yeah, well, I wasn't
getting enough likes,
165
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:50,344
so I might've posted a couple photos
of myself adding the dryer sheets...
166
00:07:50,412 --> 00:07:52,513
without a top on.
167
00:07:54,282 --> 00:07:56,550
I'm going.
168
00:07:56,618 --> 00:08:00,321
Jordan, come on. What do you think?
169
00:08:00,388 --> 00:08:03,123
You don't have to say I'm perfect.
I want this to be believable.
170
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:05,292
Say I'm almost perfect.
171
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,229
Maybe if you took me out to dinner.
172
00:08:09,297 --> 00:08:10,698
You want to go out on a date with me?
173
00:08:10,765 --> 00:08:13,167
No, gross.
174
00:08:14,969 --> 00:08:18,772
But just for once I want
to go out with a guy,
175
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,408
have him buy me dinner,
treat me like a lady,
176
00:08:21,476 --> 00:08:23,410
and make me feel good about myself.
177
00:08:23,478 --> 00:08:26,280
But it would be totally fake.
178
00:08:26,348 --> 00:08:28,048
I don't care.
179
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:30,517
I just need to know
that another human being
180
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:32,152
is capable of having a meal with me
181
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,122
without running away or
blowing a burp in my face.
182
00:08:35,190 --> 00:08:37,591
I can do that.
183
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:42,229
You lost your case, Phyllis,
184
00:08:42,297 --> 00:08:46,800
because you had bad representation.
185
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,069
This is the order you pick a lawyer.
186
00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:52,906
It goes Jew, Chinaman,
187
00:08:52,974 --> 00:08:56,910
drunk Jew, sober Irishman, Irishman.
188
00:08:56,978 --> 00:09:00,280
I love your sense of humor.
189
00:09:00,348 --> 00:09:01,915
Thank you.
190
00:09:01,983 --> 00:09:04,151
You want me to write
that list down for you?
191
00:09:06,221 --> 00:09:08,255
Mom, I was worried about you.
192
00:09:08,323 --> 00:09:12,526
What part of "Call me when you get to
the restaurant" didn't you understand?
193
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:15,896
- What time is it?
- It's 9:30.
194
00:09:15,964 --> 00:09:19,266
Oh, God, I'm gonna be
paying for this tomorrow.
195
00:09:19,334 --> 00:09:23,537
So, sweetie, how did your
interview at the bike shop go?
196
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,272
Not so hot.
197
00:09:25,340 --> 00:09:26,707
Turns out I'm not qualified.
198
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:29,343
Not qualified to work in a bike shop?
199
00:09:29,411 --> 00:09:32,446
A circus bear could work in a bike shop.
200
00:09:32,514 --> 00:09:35,916
Because a circus bear can ride a bike.
201
00:09:35,984 --> 00:09:39,119
And maybe work the register.
202
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:41,522
Anyway, they won't let me interview
203
00:09:41,589 --> 00:09:43,069
until I learn how to ride one.
204
00:09:43,091 --> 00:09:47,194
Ed, maybe you could teach him.
205
00:09:47,262 --> 00:09:48,695
Me?
206
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:50,130
Well, Nolan's always saying
207
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:51,999
that you're like a dad to him.
208
00:09:53,568 --> 00:09:57,504
And if you've got the time,
I'd really appreciate it.
209
00:09:58,907 --> 00:10:02,509
S... sure, I'd be glad to.
210
00:10:02,577 --> 00:10:03,744
Thanks, Ed.
211
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,413
You know, his father
never taught him anything
212
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,416
except how to roll a joint.
213
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:12,619
Luckily, that never
had an impact on him.
214
00:10:12,687 --> 00:10:16,223
Uh... yeah.
215
00:10:18,426 --> 00:10:20,994
And in the seventh grade,
everybody wanted to do "Cats,"
216
00:10:21,062 --> 00:10:23,497
but the school made us do "You're
A Good Man, Charlie Brown,"
217
00:10:23,565 --> 00:10:27,167
so I played Lucy as Mr. Mistoffelees.
218
00:10:28,636 --> 00:10:31,371
The audience didn't know it, but I did.
219
00:10:34,005 --> 00:10:35,685
- Are you cold?
- A little.
220
00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:37,244
Hang on a sec.
221
00:10:38,813 --> 00:10:40,781
- There we go.
- Charlie.
222
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,549
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
223
00:10:45,987 --> 00:10:49,122
- There you go.
- Thank you.
224
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,459
You know, you can be very
charming when you want to be.
225
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,329
Trust me, even when I don't
want to be, I'm still charming.
226
00:10:56,831 --> 00:11:00,300
Let me get you another
Diet Coke with lime.
227
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,035
You remembered.
228
00:11:03,447 --> 00:11:05,648
Brett, another Diet Coke with lime
229
00:11:05,673 --> 00:11:08,609
and a coffee mug filled with scotch.
Oh, my God.
230
00:11:08,676 --> 00:11:11,745
- Going back for more?
- I have to.
231
00:11:11,813 --> 00:11:14,047
I need to hear why her drama teacher
232
00:11:14,115 --> 00:11:16,049
didn't cast her in "Bye, Bye, Birdie."
233
00:11:16,117 --> 00:11:17,618
Maybe it's because
she wanted to make him
234
00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:20,045
put a number two pencil
through his brain.
235
00:11:21,172 --> 00:11:23,132
Can I get a vodka martini, please?
236
00:11:23,157 --> 00:11:25,692
Holly?
237
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,127
Hey.
238
00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:29,096
It's the future Mrs. Me.
239
00:11:29,163 --> 00:11:30,898
Hi, Charlie.
240
00:11:30,965 --> 00:11:32,966
You're very cute, but I
haven't changed my mind.
241
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:35,202
No, I know, I know. Don't worry,
I will be on Lizzie by tomorrow
242
00:11:35,270 --> 00:11:37,004
and you will be impressed
with my 10-star rating.
243
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,206
It only goes up to five.
244
00:11:39,274 --> 00:11:42,576
Yeah, well, then you're
gonna be really impressed.
245
00:11:42,644 --> 00:11:45,746
- Are you cold?
- Just a little.
246
00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:47,414
Hang on a sec.
247
00:11:48,594 --> 00:11:51,594
The girl that I'm trying to impress on
Lizzie, well, she's right over there.
248
00:11:51,619 --> 00:11:53,720
Oh, she's pretty.
249
00:11:53,788 --> 00:11:55,956
And she's cold, so give me the coat.
250
00:11:58,059 --> 00:12:00,827
I might be a while, so get dessert.
251
00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:02,996
Anything you want.
252
00:12:03,064 --> 00:12:06,233
Oh, okay, um...
253
00:12:06,301 --> 00:12:07,768
this is good.
254
00:12:07,835 --> 00:12:10,404
It'll give me time
to write my Lizzie review.
255
00:12:10,471 --> 00:12:13,740
You're the best, and I am having
a wonderful time on this date.
256
00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:20,347
Here you go. Diet Coke with lime.
257
00:12:20,415 --> 00:12:21,848
What are you doing?
258
00:12:21,916 --> 00:12:25,352
Trashing a loser guy on the Internet.
259
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:27,754
What's another word for "douchebag"?
260
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:30,524
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
261
00:12:34,852 --> 00:12:36,319
Hey.
262
00:12:36,387 --> 00:12:40,056
Dude, you got your first Lizzie review.
263
00:12:40,124 --> 00:12:41,458
That's awesome.
264
00:12:41,525 --> 00:12:43,285
Now all I gotta do
is call Holly and tell her
265
00:12:43,294 --> 00:12:46,930
that my meat is officially
in the window.
266
00:12:46,997 --> 00:12:50,233
Well, whoever you went
out with last night
267
00:12:50,301 --> 00:12:51,968
sliced your meat up pretty good.
268
00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:54,003
What are you talking about?
269
00:12:55,206 --> 00:12:57,641
"Charlie Goodson is self-absorbed,
270
00:12:57,708 --> 00:13:00,977
annoying, insensitive, egotistical."
271
00:13:01,045 --> 00:13:03,413
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You must
not be reading that right.
272
00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:06,783
'Cause according to that
website, you're illiterate.
273
00:13:06,851 --> 00:13:09,119
Well, I sounded them out.
274
00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:13,023
There's more.
275
00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:17,260
"He actually put napkins on my
shoulders when I was cold."
276
00:13:17,328 --> 00:13:19,930
That's weird.
277
00:13:19,998 --> 00:13:22,666
I was being charming. Right
after that, I gave her my coat.
278
00:13:22,734 --> 00:13:25,002
"And then he took the coat
off of my shoulders"
279
00:13:25,069 --> 00:13:27,204
"and gave it to another woman."
280
00:13:27,271 --> 00:13:29,706
You're an animal.
281
00:13:29,774 --> 00:13:32,242
I can't believe Jordan
would do this to me.
282
00:13:32,310 --> 00:13:35,112
Wait a minute, Jordan wrote this?
You went out with Jordan?
283
00:13:35,179 --> 00:13:37,180
It wasn't a date.
284
00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:39,016
She said that if I took
her out to a nice dinner,
285
00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:41,518
then her review of me
would be a good one.
286
00:13:41,586 --> 00:13:44,821
- Well, it wasn't.
- Is there anything else?
287
00:13:44,889 --> 00:13:46,890
"Charlie claims to be sophisticated,"
288
00:13:46,958 --> 00:13:50,360
"but he mistook my rigatoni for penne."
289
00:13:50,428 --> 00:13:53,430
Well, Jordan can kiss my ass.
290
00:13:53,498 --> 00:13:55,332
They're both tubes.
291
00:13:57,602 --> 00:14:00,937
All right, if your mama wants me
to teach you to ride a bicycle,
292
00:14:01,005 --> 00:14:03,473
you're gonna learn how to do it right.
293
00:14:06,144 --> 00:14:08,425
Isn't it dangerous
to ride without a helmet?
294
00:14:08,446 --> 00:14:11,048
What are you protecting, boy?
295
00:14:11,115 --> 00:14:14,317
Right, now we're gonna
work on your balance.
296
00:14:14,385 --> 00:14:15,919
Get on.
297
00:14:18,256 --> 00:14:21,558
Wow, this does not
feel great on my junk.
298
00:14:21,626 --> 00:14:24,127
You lift up both feet,
299
00:14:24,195 --> 00:14:25,929
and then when you start to tip over,
300
00:14:25,997 --> 00:14:27,798
put them back down on the ground.
301
00:14:27,865 --> 00:14:30,734
Oh, I can't do this, Ed. I'm afraid.
302
00:14:30,802 --> 00:14:35,405
When a man is afraid,
he's got to face his fear.
303
00:14:35,473 --> 00:14:37,607
Just like I married my wife
304
00:14:37,675 --> 00:14:39,509
even though she had a fat mother.
305
00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,889
This is a big afternoon, Ed.
306
00:14:42,914 --> 00:14:46,650
I got my hands on the
handlebars and my nuts hurt.
307
00:14:46,717 --> 00:14:49,286
Maybe this is enough for today.
308
00:14:49,353 --> 00:14:51,655
No, you're gonna do this.
309
00:14:51,722 --> 00:14:55,158
Imagine the other end of this garage
310
00:14:55,226 --> 00:14:59,463
is the thing that you're
missing most in the world.
311
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:01,932
My bong from high school...
312
00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:05,135
Jon Bong Jovi.
313
00:15:05,203 --> 00:15:09,306
All right, now put your feet on
those pedals and go get him.
314
00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:13,056
It's working!
315
00:15:13,111 --> 00:15:15,045
Go, son, go!
316
00:15:15,113 --> 00:15:17,274
Ed, you forgot to teach me how to stop!
317
00:15:17,315 --> 00:15:19,983
Oh, don't worry. That wall will stop ya.
318
00:15:21,385 --> 00:15:23,420
See, I told you.
319
00:15:28,626 --> 00:15:34,498
Well, if it isn't Mr. Abandon-Her-On-Dates-
Who-Is-Very-Rude-And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.
320
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:36,333
Believe it or not,
that name was shortened
321
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,641
when my grandfather came over
from the old country.
322
00:15:40,404 --> 00:15:44,074
- Are you drunk?
- "Are you drunk"?
323
00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:45,983
A little, but I asked you first.
324
00:15:47,512 --> 00:15:49,613
Jordan, what are you doing?
You're in AA.
325
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,015
I am writing Lizzie reviews
326
00:15:52,083 --> 00:15:54,784
of every man who's ever disappointed me.
327
00:15:54,852 --> 00:15:56,953
I'm up to the Ds.
328
00:15:57,021 --> 00:15:59,456
Daddy.
329
00:15:59,524 --> 00:16:03,760
I don't know why you're so upset
that I talked to that woman.
330
00:16:03,828 --> 00:16:05,462
We were on a fake date.
331
00:16:05,530 --> 00:16:09,466
Yeah, well, you very
unfakily abandoned me.
332
00:16:09,534 --> 00:16:13,803
You know, another word
for "unfakily" is "really."
333
00:16:13,871 --> 00:16:17,007
Well, I really came home
334
00:16:17,074 --> 00:16:20,210
and ate a whole key lime pie.
335
00:16:20,278 --> 00:16:22,345
I told you to order dessert.
336
00:16:22,413 --> 00:16:26,349
I did, I ate the pie after dessert.
337
00:16:28,986 --> 00:16:31,521
Jordan, Jordan...
338
00:16:31,589 --> 00:16:33,857
you're being very self-destructive.
339
00:16:33,925 --> 00:16:36,845
I think we both know there's
only one thing to do here...
340
00:16:37,495 --> 00:16:39,629
change my review on Lizzie.
341
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,041
Forget it, Mr. Abandon-Her-On-Dates-
Who-Is-Very-Rude-And-Is-Not-A-Good-Date.
342
00:16:48,873 --> 00:16:50,873
I am going to the bathroom.
343
00:17:01,219 --> 00:17:04,254
Here I am. Okay.
344
00:17:04,322 --> 00:17:05,922
"Edit review."
345
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:11,094
"Charlie Goodson is the best."
346
00:17:11,162 --> 00:17:14,798
"So damn sexy, funny,"
347
00:17:14,865 --> 00:17:18,134
"handsome, and smart."
348
00:17:18,202 --> 00:17:19,836
What else, what else?
349
00:17:19,904 --> 00:17:24,007
Oh, "Knows all variety"
350
00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:26,543
"of noodles."
351
00:17:30,252 --> 00:17:33,121
Usually I look for three or
four good reviews on Lizzie
352
00:17:33,188 --> 00:17:35,256
before I even go out with a guy,
353
00:17:35,324 --> 00:17:37,959
but yours was so positive,
it just won me over.
354
00:17:38,026 --> 00:17:41,329
Yeah, that's the kind of guy I am.
355
00:17:41,396 --> 00:17:44,866
So, how was your fusilli?
356
00:17:48,070 --> 00:17:50,204
You! There you are.
357
00:17:50,272 --> 00:17:53,107
- Having a good time?
- Yes, thank you.
358
00:17:53,175 --> 00:17:55,810
I don't know where our server
is, but if you could find her
359
00:17:55,878 --> 00:17:58,913
and tell her we need more breadsticks,
I'd really appreciate it.
360
00:17:58,981 --> 00:18:00,681
Wait, what's going on?
361
00:18:00,749 --> 00:18:03,151
You took advantage of me
when I was drunk.
362
00:18:03,218 --> 00:18:05,920
- Wait, is this true?
- I don't know. I don't know.
363
00:18:05,988 --> 00:18:09,357
I'm trying to figure out
which is worse...
364
00:18:09,424 --> 00:18:11,926
what that sounded like
or what I actually did.
365
00:18:13,662 --> 00:18:16,197
He hacked into my Lizzie account
366
00:18:16,265 --> 00:18:17,832
and made up a review.
367
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:19,567
Okay, well, now that I hear it out loud,
368
00:18:19,635 --> 00:18:22,837
it's not nearly as bad as what
we were all thinking, right?
369
00:18:22,905 --> 00:18:26,174
- You wrote that review?
- Hey, I just corrected her spelling.
370
00:18:26,241 --> 00:18:29,177
She spelled "considerate"
as "inconsiderate"
371
00:18:29,244 --> 00:18:32,246
and "tolerable" as "intolerable."
372
00:18:32,314 --> 00:18:35,349
Clearly your "in" key is stuck.
373
00:18:37,095 --> 00:18:38,896
I can't believe you did that.
374
00:18:38,921 --> 00:18:40,288
Look, we're having a great time,
375
00:18:40,355 --> 00:18:42,390
and you're the one who
wanted this whole ridiculous
376
00:18:42,457 --> 00:18:44,058
Lizzie review and I got it.
377
00:18:44,126 --> 00:18:45,893
By lying and cheating
378
00:18:45,961 --> 00:18:49,363
and taking advantage of a drunk woman.
379
00:18:49,431 --> 00:18:52,633
Exactly, which proves
how much I like you.
380
00:18:54,236 --> 00:18:56,003
Good-bye, Charlie.
381
00:18:56,071 --> 00:18:57,505
Wait!
382
00:18:58,974 --> 00:19:00,808
- I hope you're happy.
- I'm not.
383
00:19:00,876 --> 00:19:02,877
I can never trust you again.
384
00:19:02,945 --> 00:19:05,813
You are just so screwed up
when it comes to women.
385
00:19:05,881 --> 00:19:08,316
Yeah, but before
this whole Lizzie thing,
386
00:19:08,383 --> 00:19:10,284
a lot less people knew that.
387
00:19:13,689 --> 00:19:15,790
How'd it go?
388
00:19:15,858 --> 00:19:17,859
- I didn't get the job.
- What?
389
00:19:20,062 --> 00:19:22,029
You know how to ride a damn bike.
390
00:19:22,097 --> 00:19:25,867
Yeah, but they ended up giving it to
someone with way more experience.
391
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:28,970
He's 16, he's been riding for 13 years.
392
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,172
I'm sorry, kid.
393
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,541
Tough break.
394
00:19:33,609 --> 00:19:35,776
Look, I'm gonna tell you something
395
00:19:35,844 --> 00:19:39,480
I think you're old enough to hear now.
396
00:19:39,548 --> 00:19:41,983
You're gonna have to leave
the house for a while
397
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:45,553
because I'm gonna throw it in your mom.
398
00:19:48,557 --> 00:19:50,925
Okay.
399
00:19:50,993 --> 00:19:54,929
Oh, Nolan. You're a hell of a bike rider.
400
00:19:54,997 --> 00:19:57,431
Don't let anybody
tell you any different.
401
00:19:57,499 --> 00:19:59,367
Thanks.
402
00:19:59,434 --> 00:20:02,136
And have fun playing
Scrabble with my mom.
403
00:20:02,204 --> 00:20:03,738
That's not what I said.
404
00:20:03,805 --> 00:20:05,206
That's what I heard.
405
00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:20,621
In your mind, am I those papers?
406
00:20:20,689 --> 00:20:23,624
Part of you is.
407
00:20:23,692 --> 00:20:26,761
Would you mind trying to
get that part under here?
408
00:20:28,130 --> 00:20:29,897
I could try.
409
00:20:32,104 --> 00:20:35,345
Let me take you out to a really nice
lunch to make up for what happened.
410
00:20:35,370 --> 00:20:38,611
And I promise I won't get up from the
table to hit on some other woman.
411
00:20:40,375 --> 00:20:42,135
Unless that makes you happy.
412
00:20:42,144 --> 00:20:44,064
Which would be awesome, by the way.
413
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,681
Fine.
414
00:20:46,748 --> 00:20:48,683
But you're still a jerk.
415
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:51,585
And not just you.
416
00:20:51,653 --> 00:20:53,888
All men are jerks.
417
00:20:53,956 --> 00:20:55,623
You ever think that you pick these jerks
418
00:20:55,691 --> 00:20:58,259
because you went through
such a terrible divorce?
419
00:20:58,327 --> 00:21:00,528
What does one thing
have to do with the other?
420
00:21:00,595 --> 00:21:03,331
Because you know there's no
future with these dickheads.
421
00:21:03,398 --> 00:21:05,800
And they can't hurt you
like your ex-husband did.
422
00:21:07,536 --> 00:21:10,037
Maybe.
423
00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:12,006
Is that why I work with a dickhead?
424
00:21:12,074 --> 00:21:14,241
Nah, that's just a coincidence.
425
00:21:14,312 --> 00:21:24,312
Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com