1 00:00:01,948 --> 00:00:06,948 Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:10,445 Okay. 3 00:00:10,524 --> 00:00:13,203 So you walked in on me having sex. 4 00:00:13,954 --> 00:00:15,812 I still think we should discuss it 5 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,078 instead of sitting here in awkward silence. 6 00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:19,921 Everything is different now. 7 00:00:19,995 --> 00:00:21,664 I know too much. 8 00:00:21,735 --> 00:00:23,735 I've seen too much. 9 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,629 Look, I am sorry, I lost track of time. 10 00:00:26,699 --> 00:00:28,309 But I guess that's one of the pitfalls 11 00:00:28,367 --> 00:00:30,832 of using your house as an office. 12 00:00:31,684 --> 00:00:33,859 And your pool table as a bed. 13 00:00:34,216 --> 00:00:36,890 And an ex-hooker as a pillow. 14 00:00:37,117 --> 00:00:39,379 Hey, Sasha wasn't a hooker. 15 00:00:39,451 --> 00:00:41,886 Have a little respect. She was an escort. 16 00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,854 Entirely different tax bracket. 17 00:00:44,438 --> 00:00:47,274 Can we please move on? 18 00:00:47,341 --> 00:00:49,175 Ahem. I hate my apartment. 19 00:00:49,243 --> 00:00:50,877 Thank you, Lacey. Finally. 20 00:00:50,945 --> 00:00:53,246 It's horrible, cheap, and dirty. 21 00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:55,682 Kind of like the way I felt when I walked in here today. 22 00:00:57,918 --> 00:00:59,185 Uh, hi, guys. 23 00:00:59,253 --> 00:01:02,489 I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that. 24 00:01:02,556 --> 00:01:04,724 I hope that didn't make anybody feel too uncomfortable. 25 00:01:04,792 --> 00:01:06,272 - Nah. - No big. 26 00:01:07,662 --> 00:01:09,863 Well, so long as everybody's cool... 27 00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:12,098 - We're the coolest. Lacey: - When in Rome. 28 00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:15,001 You know, I used to charge people to watch, 29 00:01:15,069 --> 00:01:16,789 so you guys, y'all got off easy. 30 00:01:21,442 --> 00:01:24,044 Okay. So that's done. 31 00:01:24,641 --> 00:01:26,922 Lacey, if you hate your new apartment, 32 00:01:26,947 --> 00:01:28,214 why don't you just look for another one? 33 00:01:28,282 --> 00:01:30,650 I can't afford it. And I'm too depressed. 34 00:01:30,718 --> 00:01:33,787 Even my shower's broken, so if you'll excuse me, 35 00:01:33,854 --> 00:01:36,456 I'm going to go take a whore's bath in your sink. 36 00:01:36,524 --> 00:01:38,164 No offense to your girlfriend. 37 00:01:42,897 --> 00:01:45,565 I feel terrible. I got her into that apartment. 38 00:01:45,633 --> 00:01:47,194 I've got to be the one to cheer her up. 39 00:01:47,201 --> 00:01:48,868 Well, Nolan, I'm afraid this is 40 00:01:48,936 --> 00:01:51,938 one of those occasions that cannot be solved with weed. 41 00:01:52,006 --> 00:01:54,341 I knew this day would come. 42 00:01:56,010 --> 00:01:58,611 Well, as little as I'd like to help Lacey... 43 00:01:58,679 --> 00:02:00,380 I have an idea. 44 00:02:00,448 --> 00:02:02,615 What are you thinkin'? Like a makeover? 45 00:02:02,683 --> 00:02:05,151 Oh, because I'm gay, of course it's a makeover. 46 00:02:05,219 --> 00:02:08,154 ( Sighs ) I'm sorry, Patrick. What were you thinking? 47 00:02:08,222 --> 00:02:10,757 An apartment makeover. 48 00:02:12,526 --> 00:02:15,929 Shut up, Ed. 49 00:02:15,996 --> 00:02:18,264 Lacey told me that she's going to be out of town for a couple of days, 50 00:02:18,332 --> 00:02:20,166 so we can just fix up her apartment then. 51 00:02:20,234 --> 00:02:22,535 If you expect me to bring my tools over and help... 52 00:02:22,603 --> 00:02:24,204 pass. 53 00:02:24,271 --> 00:02:27,273 Fine, Ed. We don't need you. We have tools. 54 00:02:28,743 --> 00:02:31,077 I have fabric scissors and a thimble. 55 00:02:31,145 --> 00:02:34,981 That's great if you want to turn her apartment into a sock puppet. 56 00:02:35,049 --> 00:02:36,816 All right, damn it. I'll help. 57 00:02:36,884 --> 00:02:40,086 Cool. And I've got one of those screw-lifter-outers 58 00:02:40,154 --> 00:02:41,755 and one of those things you hammer with. 59 00:02:41,822 --> 00:02:44,524 A hammer? 60 00:02:44,592 --> 00:02:47,627 I don't know. Maybe. 61 00:02:47,695 --> 00:02:49,396 Doesn't sound familiar. 62 00:02:51,832 --> 00:02:55,101 - I gotta take off. I'll see you after work? - Mm, no, wait. 63 00:02:55,169 --> 00:02:59,038 Uh, before you go, I think there's something wrong with your shower. 64 00:02:59,106 --> 00:03:00,840 Sasha, we both know what's gonna happen. 65 00:03:00,908 --> 00:03:03,009 I'm gonna follow you in there. We're both gonna get naked 66 00:03:03,077 --> 00:03:05,712 and then spend hours running up my water bill. Am I right? 67 00:03:05,780 --> 00:03:07,280 Yeah. 68 00:03:09,383 --> 00:03:12,018 Do you realize that there are billions of people on this planet 69 00:03:12,086 --> 00:03:14,354 that would kill for clean water? 70 00:03:14,422 --> 00:03:15,989 Let's do this for them. 71 00:03:18,791 --> 00:03:21,871 Sorry I'm late. There was a horrible traffic jam. 72 00:03:21,896 --> 00:03:23,630 You missed our morning meeting 73 00:03:23,697 --> 00:03:25,632 because you spent all day in bed with Sasha, didn't you? 74 00:03:25,699 --> 00:03:28,134 No, it was like a 50-car pile-up. 75 00:03:28,202 --> 00:03:29,169 I've never seen anything like it. 76 00:03:29,236 --> 00:03:31,371 Oh, so it must be on the news. 77 00:03:31,439 --> 00:03:34,307 No, no. No. It was mostly news trucks. 78 00:03:36,043 --> 00:03:38,711 Hit a van full of radio reporters. 79 00:03:38,779 --> 00:03:41,648 Careened into a cell phone tower. 80 00:03:41,715 --> 00:03:44,384 Which is... why I didn't call you. 81 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:47,854 It's 2:00. 82 00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:50,657 There is no way that you left at 8:30. 83 00:03:50,724 --> 00:03:52,158 Oh, yeah? 84 00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:55,004 Then how do you explain this? 85 00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:57,430 Egg McMuffins, hash browns, pancakes, McGriddles? 86 00:03:58,795 --> 00:04:01,076 They don't sell these things past 10:30. 87 00:04:01,101 --> 00:04:03,536 And yet I have them. 88 00:04:03,604 --> 00:04:06,673 There is nothing in that bag but a rock. 89 00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:08,441 That's not true. 90 00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,109 There's two rocks. 91 00:04:10,177 --> 00:04:13,513 Charlie, every time she comes to town, 92 00:04:13,581 --> 00:04:16,282 you become so obsessed, you forget what's important to you. 93 00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:18,218 You're right. 94 00:04:18,285 --> 00:04:22,121 I've been irresponsible and I'm sorry. 95 00:04:22,189 --> 00:04:24,557 I don't deserve these McRocks. It won't happen again. 96 00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:26,125 ( Loud thump ) 97 00:04:26,193 --> 00:04:29,195 It better not. Because tomorrow 98 00:04:29,263 --> 00:04:31,343 is the prison sexual harassment seminar at 9:00. 99 00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:35,377 There's a sexual harassment seminar for the prisoners? 100 00:04:35,402 --> 00:04:37,737 Someone might want to tell the guys in the shower room. 101 00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:41,174 No, Charlie. It's for the employees. 102 00:04:41,242 --> 00:04:44,677 One person from every department has to attend, and it's not gonna be me. 103 00:04:44,745 --> 00:04:46,679 Every time I go to one of these things, 104 00:04:46,747 --> 00:04:48,815 I'm always the pretty blonde girl that gets used as an example 105 00:04:48,883 --> 00:04:51,484 of what not to do to a pretty blonde girl. 106 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,586 Well, just talk to them a little first. 107 00:04:53,654 --> 00:04:56,656 Once they get to know you, they'll never harass you. 108 00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,892 Hey. People who know me 109 00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:01,094 find me totally harassable. 110 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,040 Tell you what. I'll go to this seminar 111 00:05:05,065 --> 00:05:07,346 and you go to the one for people with delusions. 112 00:05:07,823 --> 00:05:12,323 Anger Management 2x56 - Charlie and the Re-Virginized Hooker - Original air date April 10, 2014 113 00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:15,174 ( Both panting ) 114 00:05:15,242 --> 00:05:17,110 Charlie, you're still a therapist, right? 115 00:05:17,177 --> 00:05:19,412 ( Gasping ) I think so. 116 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,614 Right now I'm not even sure what my name is. 117 00:05:23,717 --> 00:05:26,286 We're normal, right? 118 00:05:26,353 --> 00:05:28,421 - What do you mean? - It's just... 119 00:05:28,489 --> 00:05:30,356 we're having a lot of sex. 120 00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:34,327 I mean, a lot of sex. Is this okay? 121 00:05:34,395 --> 00:05:36,362 Are you kidding? This is healthy. 122 00:05:36,430 --> 00:05:38,731 It's only a problem if it interferes with your life. 123 00:05:40,501 --> 00:05:43,202 I'm gonna get some sleep. I've got a 9:00 meeting. 124 00:05:46,473 --> 00:05:47,974 Charlie, it's 9:30. 125 00:05:49,543 --> 00:05:51,144 In the morning?! 126 00:05:51,211 --> 00:05:53,746 Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with us? 127 00:05:55,049 --> 00:05:56,583 Are you in trouble? 128 00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:58,751 No, no. 129 00:05:58,819 --> 00:06:00,853 I was supposed to be somewhere for Jordan, but... 130 00:06:00,921 --> 00:06:03,481 you know what? She exaggerates these things. I'm sure she's fine. 131 00:06:05,726 --> 00:06:07,961 So we're in a workplace environment. 132 00:06:08,028 --> 00:06:10,229 And I'm about to talk to this woman. 133 00:06:11,899 --> 00:06:13,733 I'm not lookin' here. 134 00:06:15,269 --> 00:06:17,349 I'm not lookin' down there. 135 00:06:18,305 --> 00:06:19,606 Turn around, lady. 136 00:06:22,810 --> 00:06:26,279 And I am definitely not lookin' back here. 137 00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:29,382 Turn back around, miss. 138 00:06:30,835 --> 00:06:33,596 ( Sighs ) Now let's say it's an office party 139 00:06:33,621 --> 00:06:35,388 and I've had a few too many. 140 00:06:35,456 --> 00:06:38,124 And I've lost all respect 141 00:06:38,192 --> 00:06:41,027 for personal space. 142 00:06:44,319 --> 00:06:46,799 All right. I'm out. I've just texted Jordan that I'm on my way. 143 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:50,260 Oh, don't you have time for a late breakfast? I made you pancakes. 144 00:06:50,328 --> 00:06:52,429 Oh, look, you made hearts. 145 00:06:52,497 --> 00:06:54,531 No, those are my boobs. 146 00:06:54,599 --> 00:06:57,634 And, if you turn this one upside down, it's my butt. 147 00:06:59,470 --> 00:07:01,672 It's uncanny. 148 00:07:01,739 --> 00:07:05,259 I wish I had time to eat the whole stack, but I'm running late, sweetie. 149 00:07:06,377 --> 00:07:08,812 Okay, well, have fun at the office, dear. 150 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,981 - I hope you get that big account. - Me, too. 151 00:07:11,049 --> 00:07:12,729 The boss is coming over for dinner tonight, 152 00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:15,385 so go ahead and make your ass-shaped pot roast 153 00:07:15,453 --> 00:07:17,294 and your twice-boobed potatoes. 154 00:07:17,922 --> 00:07:19,656 See you tonight. 155 00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:27,331 Hey, Sasha. 156 00:07:27,398 --> 00:07:29,866 Is Charlie here? He missed a fun meeting 157 00:07:29,934 --> 00:07:31,974 and I wanted to update him on what happened. 158 00:07:32,971 --> 00:07:35,072 Look. I'm not going to lie to you. 159 00:07:35,139 --> 00:07:37,174 You're too smart. 160 00:07:37,241 --> 00:07:40,611 The guy next door was mowing his lawn and he cut off his foot. 161 00:07:40,678 --> 00:07:42,379 Charlie had to drive him to the ICU 162 00:07:42,447 --> 00:07:44,681 while he kept the foot in a glass of milk. 163 00:07:44,749 --> 00:07:47,951 You do that for a tooth, not a foot. 164 00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:52,656 Look, he is desperately running around trying to find an alibi. 165 00:07:52,724 --> 00:07:56,560 He may not be able to tell time, but he's incredibly cute. 166 00:07:56,628 --> 00:07:58,829 You know what else is cute? 167 00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:01,057 According to the guys at the sexual harassment seminar, 168 00:08:01,099 --> 00:08:03,000 my boobs, my butt, and my face... 169 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,187 If I would just smile. 170 00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,538 Look, I'm sorry. It's kinda my fault, too. 171 00:08:08,606 --> 00:08:12,109 No matter what Charlie and I do, we always fall in bed together. 172 00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:15,078 You know what? 173 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:18,548 You should get dressed and let me take you to lunch. 174 00:08:18,616 --> 00:08:20,317 - Really? - Yeah. 175 00:08:20,385 --> 00:08:22,025 But don't tell Charlie. He doesn't like it 176 00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:25,055 when his girlfriends mix with his girl friends. 177 00:08:25,123 --> 00:08:27,858 That is so strange because just the other night, 178 00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,826 we were talking about inviting one of my girlfriends over... 179 00:08:29,894 --> 00:08:32,562 That's a completely different thing. 180 00:08:34,399 --> 00:08:36,867 Boy, it's a good thing Lacey lets me have a key. 181 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,436 Otherwise we couldn't redo her apartment. 182 00:08:39,504 --> 00:08:40,904 When you say, "lets you have," 183 00:08:40,972 --> 00:08:43,774 does that mean, "doesn't know you have"? 184 00:08:43,841 --> 00:08:46,143 Hey, if she didn't want me to have her key, 185 00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:48,078 why would she let me take it out of her hand 186 00:08:48,146 --> 00:08:51,815 and make a copy of it while she was passed out drunk in the hallway? 187 00:08:51,883 --> 00:08:55,218 What the hell are we supposed to do with this place? 188 00:08:55,286 --> 00:08:59,790 It's smaller than a cat's ass in an all-dog orgy. 189 00:09:01,435 --> 00:09:03,636 So here's what I'm thinking. 190 00:09:03,661 --> 00:09:06,363 Lacey needs a place where she feels comfortable, 191 00:09:06,431 --> 00:09:08,965 yet confident. Elegant, yet warm. 192 00:09:09,033 --> 00:09:11,601 Sophisticated, yet earthy. 193 00:09:11,669 --> 00:09:14,604 I wish you'd shut up, yet fall off a cliff. 194 00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:19,185 Don't you guys ever watch those home decorating shows on TV? 195 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,610 They ask a person what they like, 196 00:09:20,678 --> 00:09:22,512 and then they make a whole room about that. 197 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:26,083 Well, Lacey likes her Indian culture. 198 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:29,953 I say we fix this place up like a city in India. 199 00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:32,489 Fill it up with garbage and flies 200 00:09:32,557 --> 00:09:36,159 and bring some kids in to beg, then call it a day. 201 00:09:37,312 --> 00:09:39,672 Ed, you know, they've really cleaned up India. 202 00:09:39,697 --> 00:09:41,965 They have pretty good restaurants now 203 00:09:42,033 --> 00:09:44,401 and nuclear weapons. 204 00:09:44,469 --> 00:09:46,837 Hey, you guys. I've just had an inspiration. 205 00:09:46,904 --> 00:09:48,705 I know exactly what I'm going to do with this place. 206 00:09:48,773 --> 00:09:51,441 Is it something Lacey's going to like? 207 00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:54,750 I've been inspired. Lacey's feelings are really secondary now. 208 00:09:56,714 --> 00:09:59,382 So, you really think this could change my life? 209 00:09:59,450 --> 00:10:01,418 Think it? I know it. 210 00:10:01,486 --> 00:10:04,588 The best way to get clarity on what you want to do with your life 211 00:10:04,655 --> 00:10:08,158 is to completely abstain from sex. 212 00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:12,362 - All sex? - Everything. 213 00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:13,964 ( Gasps ) For at least six months. 214 00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:15,365 ( Sighs ) 215 00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:17,667 I'm on a sex cleanse right now! 216 00:10:17,735 --> 00:10:21,071 - No. - How do you think that I got my life? 217 00:10:21,139 --> 00:10:23,640 Everything was sex, sex, sex, 218 00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:27,878 but then I stopped? Bang! PhD. Bang! New job. 219 00:10:27,945 --> 00:10:30,080 Bang! New apartment. Bang! Other good stuff 220 00:10:30,148 --> 00:10:32,849 that can't be measured by just saying, "bang." 221 00:10:34,919 --> 00:10:36,820 You know what? I am going to do this. 222 00:10:38,079 --> 00:10:39,999 But Charlie's not going to like it. 223 00:10:40,024 --> 00:10:44,895 Are you kidding? He will be completely supportive. 224 00:10:44,962 --> 00:10:48,799 If I know Charlie, I know exactly how he's gonna react. 225 00:10:50,401 --> 00:10:53,403 You're... doing what? 226 00:10:54,872 --> 00:10:57,340 - For how long? - Six months. 227 00:10:57,408 --> 00:10:59,142 Look, I know it's an adjustment, 228 00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:01,645 but it's kind of exciting, right? 229 00:11:01,712 --> 00:11:03,213 I mean, this is going to give me a clear head 230 00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:05,582 so I can move on to the next phase of my life. 231 00:11:05,650 --> 00:11:08,450 You know what else will give you a clear head? You and me having sex. 232 00:11:09,287 --> 00:11:13,924 Cardio-intensive, fat-burning, envy-of-the-western-world sex. 233 00:11:13,991 --> 00:11:16,459 - You're upset. - No, no, I'm just a little confused 234 00:11:16,527 --> 00:11:17,861 about where this idea came from. 235 00:11:17,929 --> 00:11:19,996 Well, it goes back to Freud. 236 00:11:20,064 --> 00:11:21,704 You had lunch with Jordan, didn't you? 237 00:11:22,657 --> 00:11:24,977 Kinda. But don't tell her I told you! 238 00:11:25,002 --> 00:11:26,970 All right, Sasha. Look, look. 239 00:11:27,038 --> 00:11:28,805 Here's what's goin' on. 240 00:11:28,873 --> 00:11:30,674 I've been late to work a couple of times, 241 00:11:30,741 --> 00:11:31,975 and Jordan is using our sex life... 242 00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:34,277 our magnificent, gravity-defying, 243 00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,480 why-aren't-they-filming-that-in-3D sex life to get back at me. 244 00:11:37,548 --> 00:11:40,917 How could you say that about a woman who is so together? 245 00:11:40,985 --> 00:11:42,919 You know Jordan's doing the sex cleanse herself, don't you? 246 00:11:42,987 --> 00:11:44,754 She's not doing the sex cleanse. 247 00:11:44,822 --> 00:11:47,624 She's doing the nobody-on-Earth-will- sleep-with-her cleanse. 248 00:11:47,692 --> 00:11:50,627 Charlie, Jordan thinks this might be really good for me. 249 00:11:50,695 --> 00:11:51,995 I'd really like your support. 250 00:11:52,063 --> 00:11:53,129 ( Sighs ) 251 00:11:53,197 --> 00:11:55,999 Okay. Okay, I respect your decision. 252 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,868 I mean, we don't need sex to have a good time, right? 253 00:11:57,935 --> 00:12:00,737 Exactly. Hey, maybe we could watch a movie. 254 00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:04,174 Well, sure. Sounds great. 255 00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:05,876 I'll go make some popcorn. 256 00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:15,318 Hey, Jordan. It's Charlie. 257 00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,320 It's about 9:00. Just calling to say 258 00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:19,923 that I'm going to kill you tomorrow at the office. 259 00:12:22,059 --> 00:12:24,094 So, enjoy the last night of your life. 260 00:12:25,529 --> 00:12:26,696 Bye-bye! 261 00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,517 I'm proud of you, Patrick. 262 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,987 Workin' with your hands like a regular blue-collar Joe. 263 00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:38,289 Oh, this isn't blue, it's periwinkle. 264 00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:40,825 Oh, my mistake. 265 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:43,461 I should never have talked to you in the first place. 266 00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:44,829 ( Knock on door ) 267 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,866 There you are. Finally. 268 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,702 - Did you get everything I asked for? - Pretty much. 269 00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:52,470 What do you mean, "pretty much"? 270 00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:55,773 I gave you a very specific list. 271 00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,644 Oh, my God! What did you do?! 272 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:02,146 I'm sorry, Patrick, but I know Lacey loves shoes, 273 00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:03,648 so when I saw the shoe lamp, I thought... 274 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,583 why not get it? 275 00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:07,852 Let me explain to you why you shouldn't have gotten a shoe lamp... 276 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,955 - it's a shoe lamp! - So? 277 00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:13,825 So, it's not going to match anything else we got. 278 00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:16,928 I don't know, but it goes pretty good with this. 279 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:19,731 Breathe, boy. 280 00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:21,999 You're turning periwinkle. 281 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,040 Well, look who's late today. 282 00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:31,209 I told you I was going to be at the dentist, Charlie. 283 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:32,917 Well, that's a problem. 284 00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:38,383 You know how you told Sasha not to have sex with me for six months? 285 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,890 What if I told your dentist not to work on you for six months? 286 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,120 Fine with me. You're only supposed to see 287 00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:43,988 your dentist every six months anyway. 288 00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:47,091 I don't want to have sex with my dentist once every six months. 289 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,793 I like that she 290 00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,129 "cleans my teeth" three to four times a day. 291 00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:54,666 She "cleans your teeth" three to four times a day?! 292 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,733 Your teeth are going to fall out. 293 00:13:58,829 --> 00:14:01,749 Look here, you beauty pageant dropout... 294 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,475 ( Gasps ) Who told you? 295 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:05,743 Your hair. 296 00:14:07,276 --> 00:14:09,156 If you have a problem with me, you come to me. 297 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,141 You don't go behind my back and tell my girlfriend 298 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,351 that her life's going to get better if she stops having sex. 299 00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:16,020 Ahem. 300 00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:19,048 - Is it okay if these guys start setting up? - Yes. We're done here. 301 00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:23,070 And by the way, I had to drop out of Miss Tween Tennessee. 302 00:14:23,095 --> 00:14:26,135 I had a magic act and some little whore from Knoxville poisoned my dove. 303 00:14:29,472 --> 00:14:31,512 You want to talk about what color you want, Charlie? 304 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,805 Or about the girl who's not having sex with you? 305 00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:36,113 'Cause that's a lot more interesting. 306 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,978 - You guys heard that, huh? - Who does Jordan think she is? 307 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,013 You should be able to have sex whenever you want, 308 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:45,041 wherever you want, with whomever you want whether they want it or not. 309 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:49,187 Thank you, Cleo, that's good advice. 310 00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:51,856 Right up until the felony. 311 00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:55,126 Why would your girlfriend even listen to Jordan, Charlie? 312 00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:58,329 Because she respects Jordan and Jordan said she was on a sex cleanse, too. 313 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,678 Girls always be doin' things together, 314 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,234 like goin' to the bathroom and gossipin' 315 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:06,637 and killin' other girls for gossipin' about them in the bathroom. 316 00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:10,508 Again, Cleo. Good thought, then felony. 317 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,410 Simple solution, Charlie. 318 00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:15,680 If Sasha's doin' this because she believes Jordan's not havin' sex, 319 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,116 you gotta make Sasha believe that Jordan is. 320 00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:20,618 Well, how am I supposed to do that? 321 00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:23,566 Bring Jordan back in here. Find a volunteer to have sex with her. 322 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,626 Hey, Wayne, 323 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:30,361 what about Fred? 324 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,164 - That is a great idea. - Mm-hmm. 325 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:36,534 Fred's the greatest con artist to ever walk this earth. 326 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,837 He's like George Clooney in "Ocean's 11." 327 00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:41,439 Or 12. 328 00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:42,874 But not 13. 329 00:15:42,941 --> 00:15:44,941 No one came off good in that one. 330 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,714 And you think Fred can convince Sasha he's having sex with Jordan? 331 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,583 Just have him bump into Jordan in front of Sasha. 332 00:15:52,651 --> 00:15:54,986 He can convince anybody of anything. 333 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,388 Yeah, if he told me I was white, I would believe him. 334 00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,657 Until I looked down in the shower. 335 00:16:02,702 --> 00:16:04,372 Anyways, Jordan, I just wanted you to know 336 00:16:04,435 --> 00:16:06,569 that I've given this sex cleanse thing some thought 337 00:16:06,647 --> 00:16:08,536 and I think it's all going to work out. 338 00:16:08,622 --> 00:16:10,456 Thank you, Charlie. 339 00:16:10,524 --> 00:16:12,191 I don't know how you do it, Jordan, 340 00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:14,293 because I have been really struggling. 341 00:16:14,361 --> 00:16:16,929 I find it helps to crochet a lot. 342 00:16:18,365 --> 00:16:20,666 Oh, is that like a code word? 343 00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:24,470 ( Softly ) Because I "crocheted" in the shower all morning. 344 00:16:24,538 --> 00:16:26,339 ( Sighs ) While you were doing that, I was in bed 345 00:16:26,406 --> 00:16:28,474 furiously working on a sweater. 346 00:16:28,542 --> 00:16:30,209 ( Phone chimes ) 347 00:16:32,416 --> 00:16:34,456 That's one of my patients. 348 00:16:34,481 --> 00:16:36,249 I'll be right back. 349 00:16:47,261 --> 00:16:48,628 Excuse me. 350 00:16:48,695 --> 00:16:50,663 Have you seen a really good-looking guy, 351 00:16:50,731 --> 00:16:52,292 looks a little bit like George Clooney? 352 00:16:52,299 --> 00:16:54,379 Every day when I shave. 353 00:16:55,535 --> 00:16:56,903 You're Fred?! 354 00:16:56,970 --> 00:16:59,238 I sense you're feeling threatened. 355 00:16:59,306 --> 00:17:02,742 Don't beat yourself up. Not everybody could look like this. 356 00:17:02,809 --> 00:17:06,545 Hold on. Hold on. I'm paying you $500? 357 00:17:06,613 --> 00:17:09,015 No one's going to believe my friend gave up celibacy for you. 358 00:17:09,082 --> 00:17:12,051 Got into it, maybe, but not gave it up. 359 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:15,321 So, you don't find me attractive, but the ladies do. 360 00:17:15,389 --> 00:17:16,923 I'm a force of nature. 361 00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:20,526 Women undress me with their eyes. 362 00:17:20,594 --> 00:17:24,530 Really? Because I'm puttin' a snowsuit on you with my eyes. 363 00:17:24,598 --> 00:17:27,333 Look, I'm the best con man in the business. 364 00:17:27,401 --> 00:17:28,681 But if you don't want to use me, 365 00:17:28,735 --> 00:17:31,896 at least give me the 40 bucks I paid the cab. 366 00:17:32,539 --> 00:17:35,574 Fine. Here ya go. 367 00:17:35,642 --> 00:17:38,110 Ha! My mom gave me a ride. 368 00:17:38,178 --> 00:17:40,413 Congratulations. You can tell all your friends 369 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,560 you've been conned by the best. 370 00:17:50,590 --> 00:17:52,892 How's your patient? 371 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:56,162 Uh, not as good-looking as he thinks. 372 00:17:56,229 --> 00:17:59,932 Okay, got a Scotch for you 373 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,768 and a martini for you 374 00:18:02,836 --> 00:18:05,705 and Diet Coke for you. You sure that's all you want? 375 00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:07,873 No, I want a half a bottle of tequila. 376 00:18:07,941 --> 00:18:10,209 But I'm struggling to get two weeks sober. 377 00:18:10,277 --> 00:18:12,558 Almost drank the free mouthwash in the bathroom. 378 00:18:13,424 --> 00:18:15,424 Yeah, before I quit, I used to drink that 379 00:18:15,449 --> 00:18:17,717 off-brand, nighttime cold syrup. 380 00:18:17,784 --> 00:18:20,319 I called it the "Wheezing, Sneezing, Aching, Hacking", 381 00:18:20,387 --> 00:18:22,688 "Get Enough Courage to Leave Your Husband" medicine. 382 00:18:23,957 --> 00:18:26,192 Good for you for admitting that. 383 00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:28,527 The most important part about working the program 384 00:18:28,595 --> 00:18:31,797 is being completely honest about everything, right? 385 00:18:31,865 --> 00:18:33,499 Look, I'm just here slingin' drinks. 386 00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:35,447 I'm not here to fire up an AA meeting. 387 00:18:37,887 --> 00:18:40,048 Well, good for you, Jordan. 388 00:18:40,073 --> 00:18:42,441 As you well know, as a person in recovery, 389 00:18:42,509 --> 00:18:45,211 one little lie can lead to another. 390 00:18:46,551 --> 00:18:48,991 Pretty soon you're lying about drinking. 391 00:18:49,016 --> 00:18:51,150 Then you're lying drunk in a gutter. 392 00:18:51,218 --> 00:18:55,488 After that, you're lying to a cop about where your pants went. 393 00:18:57,024 --> 00:18:58,391 That's true. 394 00:18:59,559 --> 00:19:01,027 Thank you. 395 00:19:01,094 --> 00:19:02,695 I mean, how could you live with yourself 396 00:19:02,763 --> 00:19:05,123 if you lied to someone like, I don't know... 397 00:19:05,298 --> 00:19:06,365 Sasha? 398 00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,768 I mean, the guilt from that 399 00:19:08,835 --> 00:19:12,171 would make anybody start chugging mouthwash, wouldn't it? 400 00:19:12,239 --> 00:19:15,207 Okay, I lied! I'm not on a sex cleanse. 401 00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:19,278 I'm just a bad first date. I'm a great second date, but nobody knows. 402 00:19:19,346 --> 00:19:21,814 What a shocking revelation. 403 00:19:24,117 --> 00:19:26,986 I trusted you. Why would you lie to me? 404 00:19:27,054 --> 00:19:29,288 You wanna know why?! I'll tell you why! 405 00:19:29,356 --> 00:19:30,623 Because Charlie... 406 00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:32,892 ...was late. 407 00:19:38,565 --> 00:19:41,767 Seriously, if you take off this blindfold and anyone is naked, 408 00:19:41,835 --> 00:19:44,904 I will kill everyone in a 10-foot radius. 409 00:19:44,971 --> 00:19:46,939 No, we knew you hated your apartment, 410 00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:48,607 so we gave it a makeover. 411 00:19:48,675 --> 00:19:50,509 We sure did. 412 00:19:53,747 --> 00:19:55,047 Oh, my God. 413 00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:58,384 It's all shoes. 414 00:19:58,452 --> 00:20:01,587 It was all Nolan's idea. Nolan did it. Nothing to do with it. 415 00:20:02,956 --> 00:20:04,623 So, this was you. 416 00:20:06,326 --> 00:20:07,793 I love it! 417 00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:10,162 Thank you so much! 418 00:20:16,837 --> 00:20:19,505 I enjoyed that. 419 00:20:22,576 --> 00:20:24,410 ( Panting heavily ) 420 00:20:24,478 --> 00:20:26,212 You're late again! 421 00:20:26,279 --> 00:20:27,746 Aw, crap. 422 00:20:29,316 --> 00:20:31,183 I'm not saying that Jordan is right. 423 00:20:31,251 --> 00:20:33,252 And I came to this completely on my own. 424 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,988 But when we're together, 425 00:20:36,056 --> 00:20:39,258 the only thing we're getting done is each other. 426 00:20:39,326 --> 00:20:41,093 Yeah, maybe we should take a little break. 427 00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:42,561 But not six months. 428 00:20:42,629 --> 00:20:46,365 No, no, no, no. Just a few weeks. Or a week. 429 00:20:46,433 --> 00:20:49,335 I mean, we did just spend a couple of minutes having a conversation. 430 00:20:49,402 --> 00:20:50,970 For us, that's a really good break. 431 00:20:51,037 --> 00:20:53,205 ( Giggles ) 432 00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:55,307 Okay. A couple weeks. 433 00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:57,009 Don't you have to go back to work now? 434 00:20:57,077 --> 00:21:00,045 Nah, Jordan's there. She owes me. 435 00:21:00,113 --> 00:21:02,548 Besides, there's nothing going on there, anyway. 436 00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:05,451 All right, everybody. It's time for our mandatory 437 00:21:05,519 --> 00:21:08,120 refresher course on CPR. 438 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,080 Get on your back, lady. 439 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:25,800 Sync and corrections by atrn97g for www.addic7ed.com