You know, usually in the morning I work out and shower at the gym,
but I think I burned twice as many calories today.
Well, we did do a lot of work on chest and glutes.
So I thought tonight we'd work on,
I don't know, how about chest and glutes?
I've got to get ready for work.
Okay.
( Door closes )
So what happened to you at the bar last night?
I didn't think you were ever going to come back to the table.
Well, you were doing shots with all those cops.
- So? - I don't know.
I've always had issues with authority figures.
My dad, my teacher.
I don't even like head cashiers.
Most cops are good people.
I guess you don't listen to rap.
Well, I'm good people.
( Laughs ) Wow. Great trick.
Can you do it again, this time, come back out as a slutty doctor?
I'm a cop, Charlie.
That's crazy. When I met you,
you were ending a bad relationship with a convicted criminal.
Hey, sometimes you meet people at work.
Are you okay with this?
Yeah, I haven't done anything illegal.
Of course, I can't go back to Florida,
but that's between me and the Disney cops.
So, Ed, I know you were having some problems
approaching that woman who works at the counter at McDonald's.
- Did you ask her out yet? - Well, I got cold feet.
I had to ask her over the intercom
at the drive-through instead.
I got a yes.
That's great.
Yeah, till I drove up and realized
I'd asked a 16-year-old boy
for a candlelight dinner on the beach.
Still, getting a yes is a real confidence booster.
Oh, yeah, I feel like a million bucks.
Talk to somebody else.
No need, time's up. See you all next week.
Hey, can anyone pick me up from the dental college tomorrow?
I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled
and I'm gonna be kind of out of it.
I know it's cheaper, but do not let a student dentist practice on you.
I was my friend's final exam haircut at barber school.
I spent the night in the E.R.
This ear, totally reconstructed.
Nolan, I'd offer to take you,
but I feel like we need some space after I saw you
naked this morning in our building's laundry room.
I was washing my pants. What do you expect?
Underwear.
I would take you in a second, Nolan, but I don't want to.
All right, fine. I'll take him
since no one else seems the least bit concerned
about the inherent dangers of Nolan alone
on a bus whacked out on laughing gas.
( Doorbell rings )
Why is there a cop at the door?
Oh, man, y'all remembered it is my birthday
so you got me a stripper. Well, bring her in.
I'm ready.
You got change for a dollar?
No, it's a real cop, Ed.
A real cop? I got to get rid of my weed.
Oh, good, I don't have any weed.
What the hell did I do with my weed?
Hey, Maureen. Come on in.
- Everybody, this is Maureen. - Hey, everybody.
- Ed: Hey. - Patrick: Officer.
Charlie's going out with a cop?
I've got to take a picture. Get together.
( Camera clicks ) Did you get it?
Oh, my God.
No, that was a selfie. I look so great.
Take the picture or I'll have her tase you.
( Camera clicks ) Okay. Got it.
All right, great. See everybody next week.
So what's up, sweetie?
Um you know, it was bugging me the way that you feel about cops.
So I thought that maybe you'd feel more comfortable about what I do
if I took you on a ride-along. You up for it?
One question.
If another cop catches us having sex in your patrol car,
will the universe explode from awesomeness?
Only one way to find out.
Let's roll.
Anger Management 2x60 - Charlie Cops a Feel May 9, 2014
( Knocks )
- Hi. - Hey. Thanks for coming over.
( Sighs ) Sorry I'm late,
but traffic was terrible.
- What are you doing? - Getting naked.
That's why you called me over here, right?
Your text, by the way, that was adorable.
"Please come over here so we can talk"?
( Laughs ) We can talk, all right.
I'm about to give you a serious tongue-lashing.
This is why I wanted to talk to you.
The only reason that I had sex with you the other night
is because we were both sick and I was high on cough syrup.
( Imitates whip )
In your text you sounded a bit congested.
Listen, I apologize for misleading you.
It was a one-time thing.
Now would you please put away your nipples?
( Sighs )
Can we please be grown-ups?
We had incredible sex and I think that we should do it again.
The only reason it was incredible
is because I was out of my mind on codeine.
It was incredible
because we have awesome sexual chemistry.
Okay, let's say, theoretically,
I might be into trying casual sex.
You would have to at least ask me to dinner.
Okay, you want to go out to dinner?
Are you kidding me? I don't want to be seen in a public place with you.
All right, then I'll make spaghetti.
- Right now? - Right now.
Put your shirt on.
I don't like armpit hair in my spaghetti.
Great, so now I have to change my recipe also?
Woman on radio: All cars in the vicinity,
we have a 389 on Wilshire and Veteran.
Why do we have to keep listening to your stations?
The DJs never shut up. ( Laughs )
So have the last few hours given you
a better idea of what I do for a living?
Yeah, you're a woman who drives around all day
and sometimes waves at a kid.
Basically an ice cream man with a gun.
Did you see that bicycle just blow through that sp sign?
These guys think they don't have to obey
the same rules that cars do.
- Want me to light 'em up? - Go for it.
( Siren blares intermittently )
( plays "Shave and a Haircut" on siren )
You can stop now.
I'll be right back.
Okay, but if you need backup,
I'm a hotshot rookie who plays by his own rules.
( Laughs )
Sir, you knew there was a stop sign back there.
You went right through it.
Man: Yeah, but there's no traffic,
so I figured who am I gonna hurt?
I mean if you were watching...
Maureen: Watching?
- Yeah, yeah, if you were watching... ( Bangs ) - Do not move!
Put your hands were I can see them.
Am I watching you enough now?
Huh, am I? Am I?!
Dude, say yes!
I got to be honest. That was the best spaghetti I've ever had.
You know what the trick is? You throw a noodle up on the ceiling.
If it sticks, you know it's perfect.
It's still on my ceiling, isn't it?
It'll fall by the time we're done having sex.
That's how you know the sex is perfect.
Wait, wait, wait. We're not there yet.
Okay, you realize that sex isn't like swimming?
You don't have to wait 30 minutes after you eat.
I just want to know you better.
Like, tell me a funny anecdote from your childhood.
Okay, I went to school with a kid named Richard Tease.
We all called him Dick. Nobody liked to hang out with him.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I want this to happen.
You know what makes me feel sexy?
Watching "The Sound of Music."
( Music playing on TV )
Okay, I don't think you're ready for this,
so I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.
What about "Chicago"?
Jordan, you could have said "Transformers,"
I was still gonna leave.
Well, Clay, you have completed our program successfully
and we feel like you are ready to handle
the stresses that come with rejoining society.
I just hope my old jobs are still available.
I worked mornings at Circuit City and nights at Blockbuster.
Well, if it's any consolation, I don't think anybody's taken your old jobs.
Ugh, I'm worried about him.
At least he doesn't have a workplace to shoot up.
Hey, listen, there's this cop I've been seeing
and she's coming by to drop off a prisoner.
And I'm breaking it off with her,
so would you mind...
- Leaving? No problem. - No, no, no, no.
Stay. She's got a temper and a loaded gun.
Your screams of terror might affect her aim.
Hey, can I ask you something?
How do you have casual sex with someone
and ill be able to look at yourself in the mirror the next morning?
How do I do it?
Oh, let me think.
Oh, I know. I'm a dude.
Hey, Charlie. Sorry I'm late.
The prisoner got a little rowdy,
so I had to give him a little talking to.
Bang, bang, bang! ( Laughs )
Hi. I'm Jordan.
Just gonna be at my desk using my stapler.
Bang, bang, bang.
Maureen, can you sit down for a second?
Just have a couple of things I want to talk to you about.
Sure, what's up?
Well, I just don't think that we're a good fit.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm a "talk the problem through" kind of guy,
and you're a "grab the problem by the hoodie"
"and smash it into the windshield" kind of girl.
I see. So you're afraid of me?
No, no. No. I just think that you deserve a man
who can sleep next to you
with both eyes closed.
All right, then.
So you're okay with this?
In this room I am
where everything we do is on camera.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
Keep it real.
Well, that went well.
I just hope she and I can be friends.
You know, in a few months after I've had time to buy and register a handgun.
You were a real tripper at the dentist, Nolan.
How you feeling?
Is this real life?
I'd say that's the drugs talking
if you hadn't asked me that same question
every day for the past year.
( Siren blares )
Aw, crap.
Oh, turn it up.
I love this song.
Oh, no. It's Maureen.
Am I gonna feel like this forever?
Yes.
License and registration, sir.
"Sir"? Come on, Maureen.
Don't use this as an opportunity to get back at me.
Please step out of the vehicle, sir.
- Maureen... - Out of the car!
Don't worry. I'll drive myself home.
But which steering wheel should I use?
Bye-bye.
Okay, everybody, clear the street.
Nothing to see here.
Look, if you want to talk, let's talk, but this is ridiculous.
I miss you, Charlie. I miss you so much.
It's been an hour and a half.
Just get back together with me and all this will go away.
All this what?
Your drunk driving charge.
You just blew a 1.2 on the Breathalyzer.
What are you talking about? I never took a Breathalyzer.
( Blows )
Oh, hey, a 1.4.
This is worse than I thought.
Okay, okay, this is exactly
why I don't want to see you anymore. You abuse your power.
I just want to be with you so badly.
Just promise me
that you'll think about it.
I can't promise anything.
( Screaming )
I promise! I promise!
Where's Charlie? We've been sitting here for 15 minutes.
I got a beatdown in the yard I've pushed twice already.
I don't want to get a reputation as a flake.
Well, while we're waiting,
did anybody do the assignment?
We were supposed to write our obituaries.
I did. I'll go.
"Wayne Lee Earl,"
"husband, father, philanthropist, killer."
Wait, that doesn't read right.
Should say "husband killer, father killer",
"philanthropist killer." That's better.
I like that.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
I got maced.
Spent last night in jail.
Uh, we all spent last night in jail.
What'd you do to get arrested, Charlie?
I didn't do anything.
Wayne:- Neither did I. - And I didn't pull my pants down in that pet shop.
No, no, no, guys, guys, guys.
Seriously, I was set up.
- I was set up, too. Wayne: - I should have told my lawyer that.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Wait, guys, I'm actually innocent.
Well, that's different.
You never said that.
Yeah, I just broke up with this cop
and now she's messing with me because I won't get back with her.
Why can't she just take a baseball bat to my car
like a normal person and move on?
Ooh, you can beat this, Charlie.
You just have to prove that you and cop lady
were in a relationship.
Yeah, do you have anything that links you romantically
like a love letter or a restraining order?
What about a lock of her hair?
Or a picture you took with her corpse?
She's not dead, Wayne.
Oh, well, there's the root of your relationship problem.
Wait a minute.
A patient of mine took a picture of me and her
a couple of days ago. I could use that.
Well, it lacks the beautiful finality
of a dead body in a wedding dress,
but I guess I'm happy for you.
Well, thanks, Wayne.
You know, for a criminally insane guy,
you're all right.
( Knocks )
Hey, Sean.
Okay, you have made a booty call.
That means I will not be making dinner
or dancing or telling stories
or watching movies starring Julie Andrews
or Nazis.
Absolutely.
I'm ready. I just want sex.
Good deal. Big fan.
Oh, and look. I made a list
of the things I want to do in the order I want to do them.
Oh, stick figure diagrams.
Now, going down my list,
I really like number three.
Oh, I also like number four.
You can probably do that to me again.
Okay, but four we did to each other.
Well, I'm not gonna do it again,
but if you want to do it to me, that's totally fine.
Wow, seven-minute intermission for rehydrating.
Yes, and general hygiene.
These are guidelines, right?
I mean, this is a long night.
We don't have to do it in this exact order.
Well, that's the whole point of the list.
One leads to two, two leads to three.
I mean, the most I could give you is 10 before nine.
But that would move up our general hygiene break.
I'm gonna go.
You're just way too much in your own head.
But I really want to be spontaneous.
You want spontaneity? Here's spontaneity.
I am just gonna show up without telling you
and we are gonna do whatever feels good.
In the moment. That is casual sex.
Is that what you want?
- Totally. - Great.
All right, but I was wondering,
could you give me a little window of time like the cable company does?
( Knocks )
Damn, Charlie. What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours.
I turned my phone off. I just broke up with this guy Travis
and he keeps sending me angry emojis.
One of them had a knife next to a high-heeled shoe.
Do what you want to me, but don't threaten my babies.
Well, turn it back on.
I need that photo you took of me and Maureen or I'm going to jail.
I didn't take that picture with my phone.
I took it with Travis's phone.
What the hell are you doing with his phone?
I stole it. I thought I was in love with him,
so I needed to spy on him.
All these women kept calling.
"It's your mom. Call me back."
"It's your sister. We're worried."
That's how these women were covering?
By pretending to be his mother and his sister?
Oh, it was his mother and his sister.
That's why I broke up with him.
I can't mess with a guy's head
if he's got the solid support of his family.
Where is this guy who clearly dodged a bullet?
I have no idea.
And, honestly, I don't want to know where he is or what he's doing.
( Phone chimes ) ( Gasps )
The bastard just Instagrammed a photo
of him hanging out with some skank.
Where is he? What is he doing?
It looks like the "Merry Peasant"
and I think he's flexing his neck.
Oh, yeah.
He's really proud of his neck.
He's got, like, a neck trainer and everything.
We got to go. You've got to talk him into giving me that picture back.
Okay, but if you hit him, do not hit him in his neck.
You'll break your hand.
God, there he is.
I can't believe how much he's changed.
It's only been an hour and a half.
What is up with you women?
Hey, Travis.
'Sup, Lacey?
'Sup, substitute Travis
who could never be the real Travis?
First of all, I am not "substitute Travis."
I am Lacey's friend, "original Charlie."
Second of all, 'sup?
Wait, I got a picture of you and a cop on my phone.
What's with that?
Shut up, Travis. We need it back.
Lacey, we covered this in group.
We don't say "shut up" when we're asking for something.
I'm speaking his language.
Yeah, so shut up.
- You shut up. - No, you shut up.
- What are you guys saying?
He's not gonna give you back the picture.
I tried to explain how important it was to you,
but he's like talking to a brick wall.
Look, guys, people don't fight this passionately
unless they really care about each other.
So let's try to remember
what brought you two together in the first place.
I mean, you know, besides ecstasy.
She looks good from behind.
He's a really good judge of ass.
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
There you go.
Now, while you two kiss and make up,
I'm gonna take a picture.
Okay.
Now I'll just send myself the other picture if I can find it.
Selfie with a big neck.
Big neck selfie.
Oh, here we go.
Me and Maureen. And send.
( Sighs )
- Jordan: Who is it? - It's me.
- This is happening. - Now?
Right now. I am here.
To tell you that I will be back in an hour.
Perfect, thanks.
- Hey. - Hey, yourself.
What, no snarky comment about me being an hour late?
Life is not about schedules, Charlie.
You got to live in the moment.
You got to get on that moment
and ride it for all it's worth.
I'll be back in an hour. I've got my prison group.
Oh, wait. I want to hear about how it went with the DUI hearing.
It never happened. I sent the picture
to Maureen and the whole thing went away.
See? Oh, the universe is good and wonderful.
Everything is right.
You had sex last night, didn't you?
Yes, I did.
Good for you. How's his leg?
- His leg? - Yeah.
The one that got caught in that bear trap you set
so you could do whatever you did to him.
Nothing you can say is gonna bring me down.
Like you brought him down with that tranquilizer dart
so you could do whatever you did to him?
Leave the room. We are done.
That's probably what you told him, but he couldn't
'cause his foot was all caught in that trap.
( Thumps )
That how you threw that tranquilizer dart?