1 00:00:00,859 --> 00:00:03,390 You know, usually in the morning I work out and shower at the gym, 2 00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:07,121 but I think I burned twice as many calories today. 3 00:00:08,439 --> 00:00:11,608 Well, we did do a lot of work on chest and glutes. 4 00:00:11,676 --> 00:00:14,026 So I thought tonight we'd work on, 5 00:00:14,074 --> 00:00:16,809 I don't know, how about chest and glutes? 6 00:00:16,877 --> 00:00:18,811 I've got to get ready for work. 7 00:00:18,879 --> 00:00:20,346 Okay. 8 00:00:20,414 --> 00:00:21,714 ( Door closes ) 9 00:00:21,782 --> 00:00:23,749 So what happened to you at the bar last night? 10 00:00:23,817 --> 00:00:26,486 I didn't think you were ever going to come back to the table. 11 00:00:26,553 --> 00:00:29,155 Well, you were doing shots with all those cops. 12 00:00:29,223 --> 00:00:30,857 - So? - I don't know. 13 00:00:30,924 --> 00:00:32,525 I've always had issues with authority figures. 14 00:00:32,593 --> 00:00:34,827 My dad, my teacher. 15 00:00:34,895 --> 00:00:37,697 I don't even like head cashiers. 16 00:00:37,764 --> 00:00:40,066 Most cops are good people. 17 00:00:40,134 --> 00:00:43,469 I guess you don't listen to rap. 18 00:00:43,537 --> 00:00:46,172 Well, I'm good people. 19 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:50,543 ( Laughs ) Wow. Great trick. 20 00:00:50,611 --> 00:00:53,746 Can you do it again, this time, come back out as a slutty doctor? 21 00:00:53,814 --> 00:00:56,249 I'm a cop, Charlie. 22 00:00:56,316 --> 00:00:57,950 That's crazy. When I met you, 23 00:00:58,018 --> 00:01:00,119 you were ending a bad relationship with a convicted criminal. 24 00:01:00,187 --> 00:01:02,421 Hey, sometimes you meet people at work. 25 00:01:03,768 --> 00:01:06,336 Are you okay with this? 26 00:01:06,404 --> 00:01:09,673 Yeah, I haven't done anything illegal. 27 00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:11,541 Of course, I can't go back to Florida, 28 00:01:11,609 --> 00:01:13,729 but that's between me and the Disney cops. 29 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,481 So, Ed, I know you were having some problems 30 00:01:18,549 --> 00:01:21,098 approaching that woman who works at the counter at McDonald's. 31 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,406 - Did you ask her out yet? - Well, I got cold feet. 32 00:01:24,476 --> 00:01:26,943 I had to ask her over the intercom 33 00:01:27,006 --> 00:01:29,928 at the drive-through instead. 34 00:01:30,462 --> 00:01:32,129 I got a yes. 35 00:01:32,197 --> 00:01:33,330 That's great. 36 00:01:33,398 --> 00:01:35,632 Yeah, till I drove up and realized 37 00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:37,701 I'd asked a 16-year-old boy 38 00:01:37,769 --> 00:01:41,105 for a candlelight dinner on the beach. 39 00:01:41,172 --> 00:01:45,142 Still, getting a yes is a real confidence booster. 40 00:01:45,210 --> 00:01:47,377 Oh, yeah, I feel like a million bucks. 41 00:01:47,445 --> 00:01:50,547 Talk to somebody else. 42 00:01:50,615 --> 00:01:53,117 No need, time's up. See you all next week. 43 00:01:53,184 --> 00:01:55,886 Hey, can anyone pick me up from the dental college tomorrow? 44 00:01:55,954 --> 00:01:57,874 I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled 45 00:01:57,889 --> 00:01:59,923 and I'm gonna be kind of out of it. 46 00:01:59,991 --> 00:02:03,527 I know it's cheaper, but do not let a student dentist practice on you. 47 00:02:03,595 --> 00:02:07,097 I was my friend's final exam haircut at barber school. 48 00:02:07,132 --> 00:02:08,999 I spent the night in the E.R. 49 00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:12,669 This ear, totally reconstructed. 50 00:02:12,737 --> 00:02:15,005 Nolan, I'd offer to take you, 51 00:02:15,073 --> 00:02:17,708 but I feel like we need some space after I saw you 52 00:02:17,775 --> 00:02:20,844 naked this morning in our building's laundry room. 53 00:02:20,912 --> 00:02:23,247 I was washing my pants. What do you expect? 54 00:02:23,314 --> 00:02:24,894 Underwear. 55 00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:29,161 I would take you in a second, Nolan, but I don't want to. 56 00:02:29,210 --> 00:02:31,512 All right, fine. I'll take him 57 00:02:31,579 --> 00:02:33,881 since no one else seems the least bit concerned 58 00:02:33,948 --> 00:02:36,817 about the inherent dangers of Nolan alone 59 00:02:36,885 --> 00:02:39,453 on a bus whacked out on laughing gas. 60 00:02:39,521 --> 00:02:42,389 ( Doorbell rings ) 61 00:02:42,457 --> 00:02:44,791 Why is there a cop at the door? 62 00:02:44,859 --> 00:02:48,228 Oh, man, y'all remembered it is my birthday 63 00:02:48,296 --> 00:02:50,764 so you got me a stripper. Well, bring her in. 64 00:02:50,832 --> 00:02:52,699 I'm ready. 65 00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:56,470 You got change for a dollar? 66 00:02:56,538 --> 00:02:58,939 No, it's a real cop, Ed. 67 00:02:59,007 --> 00:03:02,709 A real cop? I got to get rid of my weed. 68 00:03:02,777 --> 00:03:04,912 Oh, good, I don't have any weed. 69 00:03:06,347 --> 00:03:08,482 What the hell did I do with my weed? 70 00:03:09,984 --> 00:03:12,219 Hey, Maureen. Come on in. 71 00:03:13,821 --> 00:03:15,822 - Everybody, this is Maureen. - Hey, everybody. 72 00:03:15,890 --> 00:03:17,050 - Ed: Hey. - Patrick: Officer. 73 00:03:17,091 --> 00:03:19,011 Charlie's going out with a cop? 74 00:03:19,027 --> 00:03:21,627 I've got to take a picture. Get together. 75 00:03:22,664 --> 00:03:24,431 ( Camera clicks ) Did you get it? 76 00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,300 Oh, my God. 77 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,327 No, that was a selfie. I look so great. 78 00:03:29,771 --> 00:03:32,851 Take the picture or I'll have her tase you. 79 00:03:33,408 --> 00:03:35,542 ( Camera clicks ) Okay. Got it. 80 00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:38,011 All right, great. See everybody next week. 81 00:03:39,881 --> 00:03:41,381 So what's up, sweetie? 82 00:03:41,449 --> 00:03:44,518 Um you know, it was bugging me the way that you feel about cops. 83 00:03:44,586 --> 00:03:47,721 So I thought that maybe you'd feel more comfortable about what I do 84 00:03:47,789 --> 00:03:51,024 if I took you on a ride-along. You up for it? 85 00:03:51,092 --> 00:03:52,759 One question. 86 00:03:52,827 --> 00:03:56,096 If another cop catches us having sex in your patrol car, 87 00:03:56,164 --> 00:03:59,533 will the universe explode from awesomeness? 88 00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:03,136 Only one way to find out. 89 00:04:03,204 --> 00:04:05,405 Let's roll. 90 00:04:05,473 --> 00:04:09,473 Anger Management 2x60 - Charlie Cops a Feel May 9, 2014 91 00:04:09,529 --> 00:04:10,998 ( Knocks ) 92 00:04:11,065 --> 00:04:13,734 - Hi. - Hey. Thanks for coming over. 93 00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,536 ( Sighs ) Sorry I'm late, 94 00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:19,506 but traffic was terrible. 95 00:04:19,574 --> 00:04:22,175 - What are you doing? - Getting naked. 96 00:04:22,243 --> 00:04:24,177 That's why you called me over here, right? 97 00:04:24,245 --> 00:04:26,413 Your text, by the way, that was adorable. 98 00:04:26,481 --> 00:04:28,648 "Please come over here so we can talk"? 99 00:04:28,716 --> 00:04:30,951 ( Laughs ) We can talk, all right. 100 00:04:31,019 --> 00:04:34,388 I'm about to give you a serious tongue-lashing. 101 00:04:34,455 --> 00:04:36,823 This is why I wanted to talk to you. 102 00:04:36,891 --> 00:04:39,393 The only reason that I had sex with you the other night 103 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:42,095 is because we were both sick and I was high on cough syrup. 104 00:04:42,163 --> 00:04:44,331 ( Imitates whip ) 105 00:04:46,734 --> 00:04:49,970 In your text you sounded a bit congested. 106 00:04:52,473 --> 00:04:55,509 Listen, I apologize for misleading you. 107 00:04:55,576 --> 00:04:57,677 It was a one-time thing. 108 00:04:57,745 --> 00:05:00,947 Now would you please put away your nipples? 109 00:05:04,018 --> 00:05:05,786 ( Sighs ) 110 00:05:05,853 --> 00:05:08,955 Can we please be grown-ups? 111 00:05:09,023 --> 00:05:11,625 We had incredible sex and I think that we should do it again. 112 00:05:11,692 --> 00:05:13,260 The only reason it was incredible 113 00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:15,462 is because I was out of my mind on codeine. 114 00:05:15,530 --> 00:05:17,064 It was incredible 115 00:05:17,131 --> 00:05:20,233 because we have awesome sexual chemistry. 116 00:05:20,301 --> 00:05:23,770 Okay, let's say, theoretically, 117 00:05:23,838 --> 00:05:26,706 I might be into trying casual sex. 118 00:05:26,774 --> 00:05:29,895 You would have to at least ask me to dinner. 119 00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:31,912 Okay, you want to go out to dinner? 120 00:05:31,979 --> 00:05:35,248 Are you kidding me? I don't want to be seen in a public place with you. 121 00:05:35,316 --> 00:05:39,286 All right, then I'll make spaghetti. 122 00:05:40,655 --> 00:05:42,556 - Right now? - Right now. 123 00:05:42,623 --> 00:05:44,091 Put your shirt on. 124 00:05:44,158 --> 00:05:46,493 I don't like armpit hair in my spaghetti. 125 00:05:46,561 --> 00:05:49,196 Great, so now I have to change my recipe also? 126 00:05:51,899 --> 00:05:53,433 Woman on radio: All cars in the vicinity, 127 00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:56,203 we have a 389 on Wilshire and Veteran. 128 00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:59,106 Why do we have to keep listening to your stations? 129 00:05:59,173 --> 00:06:01,908 The DJs never shut up. ( Laughs ) 130 00:06:01,976 --> 00:06:04,044 So have the last few hours given you 131 00:06:04,112 --> 00:06:05,946 a better idea of what I do for a living? 132 00:06:06,013 --> 00:06:08,415 Yeah, you're a woman who drives around all day 133 00:06:08,483 --> 00:06:10,750 and sometimes waves at a kid. 134 00:06:10,818 --> 00:06:13,320 Basically an ice cream man with a gun. 135 00:06:13,387 --> 00:06:16,857 Did you see that bicycle just blow through that sp sign? 136 00:06:16,924 --> 00:06:18,892 These guys think they don't have to obey 137 00:06:18,926 --> 00:06:20,627 the same rules that cars do. 138 00:06:20,695 --> 00:06:22,963 - Want me to light 'em up? - Go for it. 139 00:06:24,065 --> 00:06:26,366 ( Siren blares intermittently ) 140 00:06:28,836 --> 00:06:32,973 ( plays "Shave and a Haircut" on siren ) 141 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,808 You can stop now. 142 00:06:34,876 --> 00:06:36,877 I'll be right back. 143 00:06:36,944 --> 00:06:38,305 Okay, but if you need backup, 144 00:06:38,312 --> 00:06:40,580 I'm a hotshot rookie who plays by his own rules. 145 00:06:40,648 --> 00:06:42,282 ( Laughs ) 146 00:06:44,852 --> 00:06:46,820 Sir, you knew there was a stop sign back there. 147 00:06:46,888 --> 00:06:48,088 You went right through it. 148 00:06:48,156 --> 00:06:49,723 Man: Yeah, but there's no traffic, 149 00:06:49,790 --> 00:06:51,424 so I figured who am I gonna hurt? 150 00:06:51,492 --> 00:06:52,656 I mean if you were watching... 151 00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:53,805 Maureen: Watching? 152 00:06:53,883 --> 00:06:58,724 - Yeah, yeah, if you were watching... ( Bangs ) - Do not move! 153 00:06:58,799 --> 00:07:00,500 Put your hands were I can see them. 154 00:07:02,436 --> 00:07:04,171 Am I watching you enough now? 155 00:07:04,238 --> 00:07:06,339 Huh, am I? Am I?! 156 00:07:07,125 --> 00:07:09,232 Dude, say yes! 157 00:07:11,577 --> 00:07:14,821 I got to be honest. That was the best spaghetti I've ever had. 158 00:07:15,345 --> 00:07:18,201 You know what the trick is? You throw a noodle up on the ceiling. 159 00:07:18,269 --> 00:07:20,236 If it sticks, you know it's perfect. 160 00:07:20,304 --> 00:07:22,639 It's still on my ceiling, isn't it? 161 00:07:22,706 --> 00:07:24,674 It'll fall by the time we're done having sex. 162 00:07:24,742 --> 00:07:26,983 That's how you know the sex is perfect. 163 00:07:28,712 --> 00:07:31,314 Wait, wait, wait. We're not there yet. 164 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,318 Okay, you realize that sex isn't like swimming? 165 00:07:35,386 --> 00:07:38,054 You don't have to wait 30 minutes after you eat. 166 00:07:38,122 --> 00:07:39,789 I just want to know you better. 167 00:07:39,857 --> 00:07:43,293 Like, tell me a funny anecdote from your childhood. 168 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,263 Okay, I went to school with a kid named Richard Tease. 169 00:07:47,331 --> 00:07:50,867 We all called him Dick. Nobody liked to hang out with him. 170 00:07:50,935 --> 00:07:53,303 You're right. I'm sorry. 171 00:07:53,370 --> 00:07:55,572 I want this to happen. 172 00:07:55,639 --> 00:07:57,707 You know what makes me feel sexy? 173 00:07:57,775 --> 00:08:00,109 Watching "The Sound of Music." 174 00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:02,645 ( Music playing on TV ) 175 00:08:02,713 --> 00:08:05,348 Okay, I don't think you're ready for this, 176 00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:07,884 so I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 177 00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:09,552 What about "Chicago"? 178 00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:11,300 Jordan, you could have said "Transformers," 179 00:08:11,355 --> 00:08:13,035 I was still gonna leave. 180 00:08:15,426 --> 00:08:18,661 Well, Clay, you have completed our program successfully 181 00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:21,097 and we feel like you are ready to handle 182 00:08:21,165 --> 00:08:23,533 the stresses that come with rejoining society. 183 00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:25,435 I just hope my old jobs are still available. 184 00:08:25,502 --> 00:08:28,938 I worked mornings at Circuit City and nights at Blockbuster. 185 00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:32,286 Well, if it's any consolation, I don't think anybody's taken your old jobs. 186 00:08:35,379 --> 00:08:36,779 Ugh, I'm worried about him. 187 00:08:36,847 --> 00:08:39,349 At least he doesn't have a workplace to shoot up. 188 00:08:41,952 --> 00:08:44,587 Hey, listen, there's this cop I've been seeing 189 00:08:44,655 --> 00:08:46,489 and she's coming by to drop off a prisoner. 190 00:08:46,557 --> 00:08:48,718 And I'm breaking it off with her, 191 00:08:48,759 --> 00:08:50,259 so would you mind... 192 00:08:50,327 --> 00:08:52,362 - Leaving? No problem. - No, no, no, no. 193 00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:54,631 Stay. She's got a temper and a loaded gun. 194 00:08:54,698 --> 00:08:57,066 Your screams of terror might affect her aim. 195 00:09:00,204 --> 00:09:02,171 Hey, can I ask you something? 196 00:09:02,239 --> 00:09:04,807 How do you have casual sex with someone 197 00:09:04,875 --> 00:09:08,011 and ill be able to look at yourself in the mirror the next morning? 198 00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:10,346 How do I do it? 199 00:09:10,414 --> 00:09:12,015 Oh, let me think. 200 00:09:12,082 --> 00:09:14,484 Oh, I know. I'm a dude. 201 00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:16,886 Hey, Charlie. Sorry I'm late. 202 00:09:16,954 --> 00:09:18,254 The prisoner got a little rowdy, 203 00:09:18,322 --> 00:09:19,962 so I had to give him a little talking to. 204 00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:22,225 Bang, bang, bang! ( Laughs ) 205 00:09:22,292 --> 00:09:25,261 Hi. I'm Jordan. 206 00:09:25,329 --> 00:09:29,265 Just gonna be at my desk using my stapler. 207 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,067 Bang, bang, bang. 208 00:09:33,537 --> 00:09:35,738 Maureen, can you sit down for a second? 209 00:09:35,806 --> 00:09:39,447 Just have a couple of things I want to talk to you about. 210 00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,044 Sure, what's up? 211 00:09:41,111 --> 00:09:44,747 Well, I just don't think that we're a good fit. 212 00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:46,616 What do you mean? 213 00:09:46,683 --> 00:09:50,386 Well, I'm a "talk the problem through" kind of guy, 214 00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:53,756 and you're a "grab the problem by the hoodie" 215 00:09:53,824 --> 00:09:56,192 "and smash it into the windshield" kind of girl. 216 00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:59,295 I see. So you're afraid of me? 217 00:09:59,363 --> 00:10:01,497 No, no. No. I just think that you deserve a man 218 00:10:01,565 --> 00:10:03,566 who can sleep next to you 219 00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:05,674 with both eyes closed. 220 00:10:08,639 --> 00:10:10,840 All right, then. 221 00:10:10,908 --> 00:10:13,709 So you're okay with this? 222 00:10:13,777 --> 00:10:15,678 In this room I am 223 00:10:15,746 --> 00:10:17,680 where everything we do is on camera. 224 00:10:19,716 --> 00:10:21,817 Nice to meet you. 225 00:10:21,885 --> 00:10:23,553 You, too. 226 00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:25,421 Keep it real. 227 00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:28,624 Well, that went well. 228 00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:31,260 I just hope she and I can be friends. 229 00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:34,648 You know, in a few months after I've had time to buy and register a handgun. 230 00:10:37,568 --> 00:10:39,468 You were a real tripper at the dentist, Nolan. 231 00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:41,370 How you feeling? 232 00:10:41,438 --> 00:10:44,540 Is this real life? 233 00:10:44,608 --> 00:10:46,776 I'd say that's the drugs talking 234 00:10:46,843 --> 00:10:48,978 if you hadn't asked me that same question 235 00:10:49,046 --> 00:10:52,248 every day for the past year. 236 00:10:52,316 --> 00:10:54,517 ( Siren blares ) 237 00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:55,785 Aw, crap. 238 00:10:55,852 --> 00:10:58,721 Oh, turn it up. 239 00:10:58,789 --> 00:11:01,090 I love this song. 240 00:11:01,158 --> 00:11:03,726 Oh, no. It's Maureen. 241 00:11:03,794 --> 00:11:06,629 Am I gonna feel like this forever? 242 00:11:08,665 --> 00:11:10,399 Yes. 243 00:11:14,237 --> 00:11:16,606 License and registration, sir. 244 00:11:16,673 --> 00:11:19,542 "Sir"? Come on, Maureen. 245 00:11:19,610 --> 00:11:21,677 Don't use this as an opportunity to get back at me. 246 00:11:21,745 --> 00:11:24,447 Please step out of the vehicle, sir. 247 00:11:24,514 --> 00:11:25,915 - Maureen... - Out of the car! 248 00:11:25,983 --> 00:11:28,751 Don't worry. I'll drive myself home. 249 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,655 But which steering wheel should I use? 250 00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:39,729 Bye-bye. 251 00:11:39,796 --> 00:11:42,164 Okay, everybody, clear the street. 252 00:11:42,232 --> 00:11:44,934 Nothing to see here. 253 00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:47,603 Look, if you want to talk, let's talk, but this is ridiculous. 254 00:11:47,671 --> 00:11:50,339 I miss you, Charlie. I miss you so much. 255 00:11:50,407 --> 00:11:52,908 It's been an hour and a half. 256 00:11:52,976 --> 00:11:56,545 Just get back together with me and all this will go away. 257 00:11:56,613 --> 00:11:58,414 All this what? 258 00:12:03,286 --> 00:12:04,987 Your drunk driving charge. 259 00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:07,957 You just blew a 1.2 on the Breathalyzer. 260 00:12:08,025 --> 00:12:10,059 What are you talking about? I never took a Breathalyzer. 261 00:12:10,127 --> 00:12:11,727 ( Blows ) 262 00:12:11,795 --> 00:12:14,196 Oh, hey, a 1.4. 263 00:12:14,264 --> 00:12:16,699 This is worse than I thought. 264 00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:19,335 Okay, okay, this is exactly 265 00:12:19,403 --> 00:12:22,304 why I don't want to see you anymore. You abuse your power. 266 00:12:22,372 --> 00:12:23,933 I just want to be with you so badly. 267 00:12:23,974 --> 00:12:26,409 Just promise me 268 00:12:26,476 --> 00:12:28,344 that you'll think about it. 269 00:12:28,412 --> 00:12:30,079 I can't promise anything. 270 00:12:30,147 --> 00:12:33,516 ( Screaming ) 271 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:35,503 I promise! I promise! 272 00:12:39,988 --> 00:12:43,112 Where's Charlie? We've been sitting here for 15 minutes. 273 00:12:43,175 --> 00:12:46,010 I got a beatdown in the yard I've pushed twice already. 274 00:12:46,078 --> 00:12:49,146 I don't want to get a reputation as a flake. 275 00:12:49,214 --> 00:12:51,582 Well, while we're waiting, 276 00:12:51,650 --> 00:12:53,351 did anybody do the assignment? 277 00:12:53,418 --> 00:12:54,752 We were supposed to write our obituaries. 278 00:12:54,820 --> 00:12:57,455 I did. I'll go. 279 00:12:57,522 --> 00:12:59,152 "Wayne Lee Earl," 280 00:12:59,207 --> 00:13:01,375 "husband, father, philanthropist, killer." 281 00:13:01,442 --> 00:13:03,510 Wait, that doesn't read right. 282 00:13:03,578 --> 00:13:06,180 Should say "husband killer, father killer", 283 00:13:06,247 --> 00:13:08,982 "philanthropist killer." That's better. 284 00:13:09,050 --> 00:13:11,285 I like that. 285 00:13:11,352 --> 00:13:13,820 Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. 286 00:13:15,957 --> 00:13:18,559 I got maced. 287 00:13:18,626 --> 00:13:20,494 Spent last night in jail. 288 00:13:20,562 --> 00:13:22,696 Uh, we all spent last night in jail. 289 00:13:24,265 --> 00:13:26,033 What'd you do to get arrested, Charlie? 290 00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:28,769 I didn't do anything. 291 00:13:28,836 --> 00:13:30,904 Wayne:- Neither did I. - And I didn't pull my pants down in that pet shop. 292 00:13:30,972 --> 00:13:34,208 No, no, no, guys, guys, guys. 293 00:13:34,275 --> 00:13:36,376 Seriously, I was set up. 294 00:13:36,444 --> 00:13:39,646 - I was set up, too. Wayne: - I should have told my lawyer that. 295 00:13:39,714 --> 00:13:41,114 No, no, no. No, no, no. 296 00:13:41,182 --> 00:13:42,983 Wait, guys, I'm actually innocent. 297 00:13:43,051 --> 00:13:45,285 Well, that's different. 298 00:13:45,353 --> 00:13:48,322 You never said that. 299 00:13:48,389 --> 00:13:50,123 Yeah, I just broke up with this cop 300 00:13:50,191 --> 00:13:52,292 and now she's messing with me because I won't get back with her. 301 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,728 Why can't she just take a baseball bat to my car 302 00:13:54,796 --> 00:13:57,231 like a normal person and move on? 303 00:13:57,298 --> 00:13:59,299 Ooh, you can beat this, Charlie. 304 00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,447 You just have to prove that you and cop lady 305 00:14:01,469 --> 00:14:03,470 were in a relationship. 306 00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:06,807 Yeah, do you have anything that links you romantically 307 00:14:06,874 --> 00:14:09,209 like a love letter or a restraining order? 308 00:14:09,277 --> 00:14:11,345 What about a lock of her hair? 309 00:14:11,412 --> 00:14:14,448 Or a picture you took with her corpse? 310 00:14:14,515 --> 00:14:16,416 She's not dead, Wayne. 311 00:14:16,484 --> 00:14:19,620 Oh, well, there's the root of your relationship problem. 312 00:14:21,422 --> 00:14:23,257 Wait a minute. 313 00:14:23,324 --> 00:14:24,625 A patient of mine took a picture of me and her 314 00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:25,826 a couple of days ago. I could use that. 315 00:14:25,893 --> 00:14:28,028 Well, it lacks the beautiful finality 316 00:14:28,096 --> 00:14:29,663 of a dead body in a wedding dress, 317 00:14:29,731 --> 00:14:32,065 but I guess I'm happy for you. 318 00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:34,067 Well, thanks, Wayne. 319 00:14:34,135 --> 00:14:36,503 You know, for a criminally insane guy, 320 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:37,838 you're all right. 321 00:14:40,174 --> 00:14:41,908 ( Knocks ) 322 00:14:44,679 --> 00:14:46,179 Hey, Sean. 323 00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:49,449 Okay, you have made a booty call. 324 00:14:49,517 --> 00:14:52,452 That means I will not be making dinner 325 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,055 or dancing or telling stories 326 00:14:55,123 --> 00:14:57,291 or watching movies starring Julie Andrews 327 00:14:57,358 --> 00:14:58,825 or Nazis. 328 00:14:58,893 --> 00:15:01,161 Absolutely. 329 00:15:01,229 --> 00:15:03,630 I'm ready. I just want sex. 330 00:15:03,698 --> 00:15:06,967 Good deal. Big fan. 331 00:15:07,035 --> 00:15:09,269 Oh, and look. I made a list 332 00:15:09,337 --> 00:15:11,505 of the things I want to do in the order I want to do them. 333 00:15:11,572 --> 00:15:14,074 Oh, stick figure diagrams. 334 00:15:14,142 --> 00:15:16,677 Now, going down my list, 335 00:15:16,744 --> 00:15:18,312 I really like number three. 336 00:15:18,379 --> 00:15:19,780 Oh, I also like number four. 337 00:15:19,847 --> 00:15:21,581 You can probably do that to me again. 338 00:15:21,649 --> 00:15:23,984 Okay, but four we did to each other. 339 00:15:24,052 --> 00:15:26,253 Well, I'm not gonna do it again, 340 00:15:26,321 --> 00:15:29,456 but if you want to do it to me, that's totally fine. 341 00:15:29,524 --> 00:15:33,760 Wow, seven-minute intermission for rehydrating. 342 00:15:33,828 --> 00:15:35,908 Yes, and general hygiene. 343 00:15:37,498 --> 00:15:38,999 These are guidelines, right? 344 00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:40,400 I mean, this is a long night. 345 00:15:40,468 --> 00:15:43,136 We don't have to do it in this exact order. 346 00:15:43,204 --> 00:15:45,572 Well, that's the whole point of the list. 347 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,341 One leads to two, two leads to three. 348 00:15:47,408 --> 00:15:50,410 I mean, the most I could give you is 10 before nine. 349 00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:53,180 But that would move up our general hygiene break. 350 00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:57,417 I'm gonna go. 351 00:15:57,485 --> 00:15:59,619 You're just way too much in your own head. 352 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:01,421 But I really want to be spontaneous. 353 00:16:01,489 --> 00:16:03,889 You want spontaneity? Here's spontaneity. 354 00:16:03,925 --> 00:16:05,792 I am just gonna show up without telling you 355 00:16:05,860 --> 00:16:07,461 and we are gonna do whatever feels good. 356 00:16:07,528 --> 00:16:11,031 In the moment. That is casual sex. 357 00:16:11,099 --> 00:16:12,532 Is that what you want? 358 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,668 - Totally. - Great. 359 00:16:14,736 --> 00:16:17,471 All right, but I was wondering, 360 00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:20,299 could you give me a little window of time like the cable company does? 361 00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:24,611 ( Knocks ) 362 00:16:27,081 --> 00:16:29,449 Damn, Charlie. What's the matter with you? 363 00:16:29,517 --> 00:16:31,752 What's the matter with you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours. 364 00:16:31,819 --> 00:16:34,654 I turned my phone off. I just broke up with this guy Travis 365 00:16:34,722 --> 00:16:36,823 and he keeps sending me angry emojis. 366 00:16:36,891 --> 00:16:40,026 One of them had a knife next to a high-heeled shoe. 367 00:16:40,094 --> 00:16:42,896 Do what you want to me, but don't threaten my babies. 368 00:16:44,232 --> 00:16:46,733 Well, turn it back on. 369 00:16:46,801 --> 00:16:49,401 I need that photo you took of me and Maureen or I'm going to jail. 370 00:16:49,437 --> 00:16:51,605 I didn't take that picture with my phone. 371 00:16:51,672 --> 00:16:52,939 I took it with Travis's phone. 372 00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:54,687 What the hell are you doing with his phone? 373 00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:57,411 I stole it. I thought I was in love with him, 374 00:16:57,478 --> 00:16:59,279 so I needed to spy on him. 375 00:16:59,347 --> 00:17:00,881 All these women kept calling. 376 00:17:00,948 --> 00:17:02,416 "It's your mom. Call me back." 377 00:17:02,483 --> 00:17:03,950 "It's your sister. We're worried." 378 00:17:04,018 --> 00:17:05,552 That's how these women were covering? 379 00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:07,287 By pretending to be his mother and his sister? 380 00:17:07,355 --> 00:17:09,556 Oh, it was his mother and his sister. 381 00:17:09,624 --> 00:17:11,324 That's why I broke up with him. 382 00:17:11,392 --> 00:17:12,759 I can't mess with a guy's head 383 00:17:12,827 --> 00:17:15,347 if he's got the solid support of his family. 384 00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:20,534 Where is this guy who clearly dodged a bullet? 385 00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:22,469 I have no idea. 386 00:17:22,537 --> 00:17:25,705 And, honestly, I don't want to know where he is or what he's doing. 387 00:17:25,773 --> 00:17:27,007 ( Phone chimes ) ( Gasps ) 388 00:17:27,074 --> 00:17:28,675 The bastard just Instagrammed a photo 389 00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:30,444 of him hanging out with some skank. 390 00:17:30,511 --> 00:17:32,631 Where is he? What is he doing? 391 00:17:34,682 --> 00:17:36,049 It looks like the "Merry Peasant" 392 00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:39,152 and I think he's flexing his neck. 393 00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:40,854 Oh, yeah. 394 00:17:40,922 --> 00:17:42,422 He's really proud of his neck. 395 00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:45,125 He's got, like, a neck trainer and everything. 396 00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:47,527 We got to go. You've got to talk him into giving me that picture back. 397 00:17:47,595 --> 00:17:49,529 Okay, but if you hit him, do not hit him in his neck. 398 00:17:49,597 --> 00:17:51,164 You'll break your hand. 399 00:17:53,462 --> 00:17:55,030 God, there he is. 400 00:17:55,097 --> 00:17:56,798 I can't believe how much he's changed. 401 00:17:56,866 --> 00:17:59,734 It's only been an hour and a half. 402 00:17:59,802 --> 00:18:01,922 What is up with you women? 403 00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:06,908 Hey, Travis. 404 00:18:06,976 --> 00:18:08,810 'Sup, Lacey? 405 00:18:08,878 --> 00:18:10,579 'Sup, substitute Travis 406 00:18:10,646 --> 00:18:13,315 who could never be the real Travis? 407 00:18:13,382 --> 00:18:16,084 First of all, I am not "substitute Travis." 408 00:18:16,152 --> 00:18:19,120 I am Lacey's friend, "original Charlie." 409 00:18:20,489 --> 00:18:23,058 Second of all, 'sup? 410 00:18:24,794 --> 00:18:26,962 Wait, I got a picture of you and a cop on my phone. 411 00:18:27,029 --> 00:18:28,296 What's with that? 412 00:18:28,364 --> 00:18:30,098 Shut up, Travis. We need it back. 413 00:18:30,166 --> 00:18:31,866 Lacey, we covered this in group. 414 00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:34,469 We don't say "shut up" when we're asking for something. 415 00:18:34,537 --> 00:18:36,204 I'm speaking his language. 416 00:18:36,272 --> 00:18:37,839 Yeah, so shut up. 417 00:18:37,907 --> 00:18:39,908 - You shut up. - No, you shut up. 418 00:18:39,976 --> 00:18:43,345 - No, you shut up. - What are you guys saying? 419 00:18:43,412 --> 00:18:45,714 He's not gonna give you back the picture. 420 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,149 I tried to explain how important it was to you, 421 00:18:48,217 --> 00:18:50,619 but he's like talking to a brick wall. 422 00:18:52,888 --> 00:18:56,124 Look, guys, people don't fight this passionately 423 00:18:56,192 --> 00:18:57,525 unless they really care about each other. 424 00:18:57,593 --> 00:18:59,928 So let's try to remember 425 00:18:59,996 --> 00:19:01,830 what brought you two together in the first place. 426 00:19:01,897 --> 00:19:04,899 I mean, you know, besides ecstasy. 427 00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:08,637 She looks good from behind. 428 00:19:08,704 --> 00:19:10,739 He's a really good judge of ass. 429 00:19:12,541 --> 00:19:13,808 Shut up. 430 00:19:13,876 --> 00:19:16,244 No, you shut up. 431 00:19:16,312 --> 00:19:18,280 There you go. 432 00:19:18,347 --> 00:19:20,682 Now, while you two kiss and make up, 433 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,385 I'm gonna take a picture. 434 00:19:23,452 --> 00:19:25,754 Okay. 435 00:19:25,821 --> 00:19:28,957 Now I'll just send myself the other picture if I can find it. 436 00:19:29,025 --> 00:19:31,259 Selfie with a big neck. 437 00:19:31,327 --> 00:19:33,194 Selfie with a big neck. 438 00:19:33,262 --> 00:19:35,497 Big neck selfie. 439 00:19:35,564 --> 00:19:37,599 Oh, here we go. 440 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:40,669 Me and Maureen. And send. 441 00:19:40,736 --> 00:19:42,837 ( Sighs ) 442 00:19:42,905 --> 00:19:44,873 - Jordan: Who is it? - It's me. 443 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:46,975 - This is happening. - Now? 444 00:19:47,043 --> 00:19:49,778 Right now. I am here. 445 00:19:54,083 --> 00:19:57,163 To tell you that I will be back in an hour. 446 00:19:57,753 --> 00:19:59,521 Perfect, thanks. 447 00:20:02,825 --> 00:20:05,760 - Hey. - Hey, yourself. 448 00:20:07,897 --> 00:20:10,498 What, no snarky comment about me being an hour late? 449 00:20:10,566 --> 00:20:14,402 Life is not about schedules, Charlie. 450 00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:16,738 You got to live in the moment. 451 00:20:16,806 --> 00:20:18,640 You got to get on that moment 452 00:20:18,708 --> 00:20:21,976 and ride it for all it's worth. 453 00:20:22,044 --> 00:20:24,512 I'll be back in an hour. I've got my prison group. 454 00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:28,049 Oh, wait. I want to hear about how it went with the DUI hearing. 455 00:20:28,117 --> 00:20:30,051 It never happened. I sent the picture 456 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:31,519 to Maureen and the whole thing went away. 457 00:20:31,587 --> 00:20:35,690 See? Oh, the universe is good and wonderful. 458 00:20:35,758 --> 00:20:39,361 Everything is right. 459 00:20:39,428 --> 00:20:42,697 You had sex last night, didn't you? 460 00:20:42,765 --> 00:20:45,200 Yes, I did. 461 00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:47,736 Good for you. How's his leg? 462 00:20:47,803 --> 00:20:49,537 - His leg? - Yeah. 463 00:20:49,605 --> 00:20:51,740 The one that got caught in that bear trap you set 464 00:20:51,807 --> 00:20:53,408 so you could do whatever you did to him. 465 00:20:54,744 --> 00:20:57,712 Nothing you can say is gonna bring me down. 466 00:20:57,780 --> 00:21:00,260 Like you brought him down with that tranquilizer dart 467 00:21:00,316 --> 00:21:02,436 so you could do whatever you did to him? 468 00:21:03,285 --> 00:21:05,687 Leave the room. We are done. 469 00:21:05,755 --> 00:21:07,789 That's probably what you told him, but he couldn't 470 00:21:07,857 --> 00:21:10,158 'cause his foot was all caught in that trap. 471 00:21:10,226 --> 00:21:12,026 ( Thumps ) 472 00:21:12,094 --> 00:21:14,295 That how you threw that tranquilizer dart?