1
00:00:00,945 --> 00:00:03,952
All right, for two steps,
who said this phrase
2
00:00:04,039 --> 00:00:06,273
six months ago and also last week?
3
00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:09,376
"I hate everybody in this room."
4
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:11,145
I know! Patrick.
5
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:13,180
That is correct.
6
00:00:13,248 --> 00:00:16,450
You are now two steps closer to
getting your car keys and going home.
7
00:00:16,518 --> 00:00:19,720
By the way, I would have
also accepted Lacey or Ed.
8
00:00:19,788 --> 00:00:22,723
Lacey or Ed.
9
00:00:22,791 --> 00:00:26,093
Can we make this next
question for eight steps
10
00:00:26,161 --> 00:00:28,295
so I can answer it, get my car keys,
11
00:00:28,363 --> 00:00:30,497
and get the hell out of here?
12
00:00:30,565 --> 00:00:34,034
No, and you miss the next
round for giving me attitude.
13
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,536
( Laughing )
14
00:00:35,604 --> 00:00:38,606
I hate everybody in this room!
15
00:00:38,673 --> 00:00:41,909
Who said a year and a half ago,
16
00:00:41,977 --> 00:00:44,011
"I don't have a problem,
everybody else has the problem"?
17
00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:46,240
Ooh, I know this one. It was Lacey.
18
00:00:46,544 --> 00:00:48,825
And for a bonus step,
that was in regards to what?
19
00:00:48,850 --> 00:00:50,217
Her texting in group,
her drinking in group,
20
00:00:50,285 --> 00:00:52,019
her not wearing underwear in group,
21
00:00:52,087 --> 00:00:53,921
her texting a photo of herself
not wearing underwear in group
22
00:00:53,989 --> 00:00:55,456
while drinking.
23
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,852
Wow, somebody's been paying attention.
24
00:01:00,795 --> 00:01:02,162
Except for Lacey.
25
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,765
I'm texting with my stupid ex.
26
00:01:04,833 --> 00:01:07,901
Sorry, but that would have been the
correct answer to the last question.
27
00:01:07,969 --> 00:01:11,038
No, he won't give me back
my elliptical machine,
28
00:01:11,106 --> 00:01:13,474
my television set or my beanbag chair.
29
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,210
Hey, I gave you that beanbag
chair for your birthday.
30
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,312
I know. It meant a lot to me.
31
00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:21,849
Anyway, I really want my
television and my elliptical.
32
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,151
All right, let's just
keep playing the game.
33
00:01:24,219 --> 00:01:25,753
Can I go to the bathroom first?
34
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:27,421
Upstairs. The one down here is broken.
35
00:01:27,489 --> 00:01:30,357
If he goes, he loses his
place and has to start over.
36
00:01:30,425 --> 00:01:32,726
Never mind, then. I can hold it.
37
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,798
I ever tell y'all about
my trip to Niagara Falls?
38
00:01:37,866 --> 00:01:40,734
All that water gushing over that cliff,
39
00:01:40,802 --> 00:01:42,603
pouring, flowing.
40
00:01:42,671 --> 00:01:44,838
Shhhhhh!
41
00:01:44,906 --> 00:01:46,986
I can't make it upstairs!
42
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:51,745
All right, grab your keys.
Let's call it a day.
43
00:01:51,813 --> 00:01:53,814
Perfect.
44
00:01:53,882 --> 00:01:55,983
I was gonna talk about something,
but we didn't get to it
45
00:01:56,051 --> 00:01:57,518
because you had
to play your stupid game.
46
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,720
And I was winning.
47
00:01:59,788 --> 00:02:01,588
Okay, nobody leaves.
48
00:02:01,656 --> 00:02:04,124
But if this is another humble brag
49
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,826
about you being on
"America's Top Designer,"
50
00:02:05,894 --> 00:02:07,027
we're all gonna be really pissed.
51
00:02:07,095 --> 00:02:09,897
No, this is real.
52
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,924
This is about my private life.
53
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,601
The other day I was having
lunch with a friend
54
00:02:14,669 --> 00:02:17,304
and a stranger interrupted me
55
00:02:17,372 --> 00:02:19,373
because he wanted to get a photo with me
56
00:02:19,441 --> 00:02:21,275
because I am famous on a reality show.
57
00:02:22,711 --> 00:02:25,031
All right, everybody, continue leaving.
58
00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:31,361
Brag while you can, Patrick.
59
00:02:31,386 --> 00:02:33,187
You know you're totally
gonna lose, right?
60
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,589
Why would I lose?
61
00:02:35,657 --> 00:02:37,191
I'm designing the best
clothes on the show.
62
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:40,761
Because you're the villain
and the villain never wins.
63
00:02:40,829 --> 00:02:42,830
Villains win all the time.
64
00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:44,965
I mean, look at "Lobster Truckers."
65
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:47,234
Trayvon? No.
66
00:02:47,302 --> 00:02:50,170
- "Swamp Wars."
- Kyle? No.
67
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,805
"Redneck Ghost Hunters."
68
00:02:51,873 --> 00:02:54,241
- Billy Joe?
- Oh, my God.
69
00:02:54,309 --> 00:02:57,311
He didn't even make it to the haunted
washing machine on the front porch round.
70
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,847
Well, Patrick, you may not win,
71
00:02:59,914 --> 00:03:01,749
but at least it's better
than getting a ticket
72
00:03:01,816 --> 00:03:03,617
for pissing on Charlie's lawn.
73
00:03:04,819 --> 00:03:06,709
Good job there, Nolan.
74
00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:11,771
Anger Management 2x61 (May 15, 2014)
Charlie, Lacey and the Dangerous Plumber
75
00:03:11,826 --> 00:03:14,361
So, Jack, how excited are you,
76
00:03:14,429 --> 00:03:15,629
getting out after 10 years?
77
00:03:15,697 --> 00:03:17,030
What's the first thing you're gonna do?
78
00:03:17,098 --> 00:03:20,534
Go spit on Spider's grave
for ratting me out.
79
00:03:20,602 --> 00:03:23,670
Then I'm thinking about getting
involved in some kind of animal rescue.
80
00:03:23,738 --> 00:03:26,173
- I love cats.
- Really?
81
00:03:26,241 --> 00:03:28,408
I am totally into horses.
82
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:31,745
You are? I had no idea.
83
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,315
Well, as the first prisoner to complete
84
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,384
our prerelease therapy program,
85
00:03:37,452 --> 00:03:41,188
you're also the first to
receive our new pamphlet,
86
00:03:41,256 --> 00:03:44,057
"How to Handle Your Anger."
87
00:03:44,125 --> 00:03:46,593
This says "How to Handle Your Dangler."
88
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:47,828
What?
89
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,031
Damn it!
90
00:03:51,099 --> 00:03:53,300
I guess a lot of those poor guys
91
00:03:53,368 --> 00:03:55,688
in the prison print shop
don't know how to spell.
92
00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:58,515
But they do know how to draw pictures
93
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:01,441
of men handling their danglers.
94
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:04,444
This was on purpose.
95
00:04:07,015 --> 00:04:10,117
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Charlie.
96
00:04:10,185 --> 00:04:13,153
Sorry I'm late. I was stuck
all morning with a plumber.
97
00:04:13,221 --> 00:04:15,522
Turns out I have
to repipe half my house.
98
00:04:15,590 --> 00:04:16,757
I know the guy's ripping me off.
99
00:04:16,825 --> 00:04:19,293
Well, that sucks. But the good news is
100
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,228
today is Jack's last day.
101
00:04:21,296 --> 00:04:23,564
- Oh, hey, that's right.
- I just want to say thanks.
102
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,365
I know it won't be easy out there.
103
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,334
Nobody trusts a guy who did
time for breaking and entering,
104
00:04:27,402 --> 00:04:29,503
forgery, and gun charges.
105
00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:31,338
Well, then you have them call me.
106
00:04:31,406 --> 00:04:33,907
We've been working together in
here for the last six months
107
00:04:33,975 --> 00:04:35,909
and I believe in you 100%.
108
00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:37,678
That means a lot to me, Charlie.
109
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,580
'Cause I'm a plumber.
110
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,815
Uh...
111
00:04:41,883 --> 00:04:44,284
you're a what?
112
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,553
Yeah, and I'll fix
your entire house for free.
113
00:04:46,621 --> 00:04:48,522
Not a lot of people want to
hire a plumber who did time
114
00:04:48,590 --> 00:04:51,892
for breaking and entering,
forgery, and gun charges.
115
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,228
I'd love to hire you, but I can't.
116
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:56,496
I already promised the job to my cousin.
117
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,999
Your cousin's the plumber
who's gonna rip you off?
118
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,435
Yeah, it's a family tradition.
119
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,203
We rip each other off.
120
00:05:03,271 --> 00:05:05,205
Christmas dinner is just one big brawl.
121
00:05:05,273 --> 00:05:06,753
Plus, the presents are terrible.
122
00:05:08,209 --> 00:05:10,177
Jack, why don't you take a minute
123
00:05:10,245 --> 00:05:13,981
to fill out your
certificate of completion?
124
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:15,849
Or, as the prison print shop calls it,
125
00:05:15,917 --> 00:05:18,762
"certificate of copulation."
126
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,056
- You are a hypocrite.
- What?
127
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,757
You are telling these people
128
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,025
that they're ready to function
in the outside world,
129
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,927
but then you won't
even hire one of them.
130
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,163
If you don't believe in Jack, you
don't believe in this program.
131
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,465
Of course I do. I invented the program.
132
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,068
I'm just not ready to test it
by putting a professional thief
133
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,004
in a house filled
with all my cool stuff.
134
00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:40,239
You should be ashamed of yourself.
135
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:41,741
I am ashamed.
136
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,777
I'm ashamed that I care about
all my stuff as much as I do.
137
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,548
- Charlie.
- Fine. Fine.
138
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,450
I'll hire the home invasion
guy to do my plumbing.
139
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,919
But the next time you complain about
the girl that does your hair,
140
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,854
I'm gonna send over an ax murderer.
141
00:05:59,990 --> 00:06:02,291
( Knocking )
142
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:05,043
Hey, Nolan. Thanks for
coming over so fast.
143
00:06:05,068 --> 00:06:07,103
One of the benefits of living next door.
144
00:06:07,171 --> 00:06:09,772
You know, I could get here even faster
145
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,508
if you let me put that dog door
in between our apartments.
146
00:06:12,576 --> 00:06:15,044
Okay, so the reason why I called you
147
00:06:15,112 --> 00:06:17,146
is because my ex said
I could finally come over
148
00:06:17,214 --> 00:06:19,214
and get my stuff, but I need some help.
149
00:06:19,216 --> 00:06:22,118
- Is he gonna be there?
- No, that would be so awkward.
150
00:06:22,186 --> 00:06:24,353
He's just gonna leave
the door open for me.
151
00:06:24,421 --> 00:06:26,322
The thing is that it sticks,
152
00:06:26,390 --> 00:06:28,324
so I'm gonna need you to kick it in.
153
00:06:28,392 --> 00:06:30,259
Wait a minute.
154
00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:33,296
It sounds like what you're
asking me to do here is...
155
00:06:33,363 --> 00:06:34,931
karate.
156
00:06:36,466 --> 00:06:38,267
Which I've never taken.
157
00:06:38,335 --> 00:06:40,655
But I do have a coupon in
my place for two free lessons
158
00:06:40,671 --> 00:06:43,506
and a third's half off,
so I could probably afford that.
159
00:06:43,574 --> 00:06:46,375
I just want to bust in and get my stuff.
160
00:06:46,443 --> 00:06:48,978
Okay? Why can't you
just be regular stupid
161
00:06:49,046 --> 00:06:52,148
instead of this time-wasting stupid?
162
00:06:52,216 --> 00:06:54,083
I don't know.
163
00:06:54,151 --> 00:06:56,018
I have three basic theories.
164
00:06:56,086 --> 00:06:58,454
Number one... poor parenting.
165
00:06:58,522 --> 00:07:00,957
Number two... serious vitamin deficiency.
166
00:07:01,024 --> 00:07:03,025
Get out! Get out.
167
00:07:03,093 --> 00:07:05,795
Okay, you know, I could get
out of here even faster
168
00:07:05,863 --> 00:07:07,630
if you let me put in that doggie door.
169
00:07:07,698 --> 00:07:09,699
Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
170
00:07:09,766 --> 00:07:10,900
Oh, my God.
171
00:07:10,968 --> 00:07:12,435
Well, your cousin was right.
172
00:07:12,502 --> 00:07:14,343
Problems run through the house.
173
00:07:15,147 --> 00:07:17,107
This is gonna take a while.
174
00:07:17,174 --> 00:07:19,476
You can finish up in an hour
and then take off?
175
00:07:19,543 --> 00:07:22,045
Yeah, right.
176
00:07:22,113 --> 00:07:24,180
You know, I don't think I've
even been in a house this nice.
177
00:07:24,248 --> 00:07:27,083
Well, not during the day.
178
00:07:27,151 --> 00:07:29,819
And never for more than a few minutes.
179
00:07:29,887 --> 00:07:33,089
Yeah, well, everyone thinks that
therapists make a lot of money.
180
00:07:33,157 --> 00:07:34,924
Truth is, we don't.
181
00:07:34,992 --> 00:07:36,893
Everything I own is crap.
182
00:07:36,961 --> 00:07:39,763
Really? That flat screen
TV looks pretty expensive.
183
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:42,332
Are you kidding me?
Those are really cheap.
184
00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:45,902
The only upside is they come
with tracking chips now.
185
00:07:45,970 --> 00:07:48,438
Look at that, it's still
in the living room.
186
00:07:50,338 --> 00:07:52,418
I'm gonna go check the water
pressure in the kitchen.
187
00:07:52,443 --> 00:07:55,011
It's funny, I was just
heading in there myself.
188
00:07:55,079 --> 00:07:57,647
Gonna reorganize my silverware.
189
00:07:57,715 --> 00:08:00,383
I do that on... today.
190
00:08:00,451 --> 00:08:03,319
( Knocking )
191
00:08:03,387 --> 00:08:04,954
I'll be right there.
192
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:12,220
What's the deal with
your door being locked?
193
00:08:12,930 --> 00:08:15,365
I have got a felon working in the house
194
00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:17,167
and I want him to know this
place is not an easy target.
195
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:19,702
- Where is he?
- He's in the kitchen.
196
00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:23,143
So then why aren't you in there?
197
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,312
Come on, let's go.
198
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,124
Don't mind us, Jack. My buddy Sean and I
199
00:08:28,149 --> 00:08:29,783
are just grabbing a couple
of beers and catching up.
200
00:08:29,851 --> 00:08:31,318
How's it going at work, Sean?
201
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,220
I got to get some tools out of my bag.
202
00:08:33,288 --> 00:08:36,529
You know, that's an answer I would
love to hear over a game of pool.
203
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,504
Charlie, I've got to run
down to Home Depot.
204
00:08:41,529 --> 00:08:43,630
You know, I'm gonna be
running in and out all week.
205
00:08:43,698 --> 00:08:45,458
It might be easier
if you just give me a key.
206
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,367
Oh, yeah.
207
00:08:47,435 --> 00:08:50,737
The deal is, Jack,
I have a thing about keys.
208
00:08:50,805 --> 00:08:53,640
The only people I ever
give them to is family.
209
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,310
Hey, Charlie.
210
00:08:57,478 --> 00:08:59,780
Oh, hey, Aunt Lacey.
211
00:09:01,182 --> 00:09:02,716
Aunt Lacey?
212
00:09:02,784 --> 00:09:04,818
Save your questions for group.
213
00:09:08,690 --> 00:09:12,392
This key keeps sticking.
Can I get another one?
214
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:14,728
Sure, Grandpa.
215
00:09:16,827 --> 00:09:19,108
Thanks for leaving the key
under the mat, Charlie.
216
00:09:19,133 --> 00:09:21,735
I can't believe how you trust people.
217
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:24,838
That's just how I am, Cousin Patrick.
218
00:09:24,906 --> 00:09:27,841
I lost all the keys you gave me.
219
00:09:27,909 --> 00:09:29,443
They're floating around somewhere.
220
00:09:29,510 --> 00:09:31,945
Not a problem...
221
00:09:32,013 --> 00:09:34,414
weird kid we adopted.
222
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,052
So they're all related to you?
223
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,688
Yeah, it's a big, crazy family.
224
00:09:44,359 --> 00:09:46,226
But I love 'em.
225
00:09:48,408 --> 00:09:51,808
Okay, that was the
damnedest session ever.
226
00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:55,736
Was it just me, or was Charlie
jumping up every five minutes
227
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:59,640
to check on that psychotic-looking
plumber in there?
228
00:09:59,707 --> 00:10:02,075
Yeah, he was totally distracted.
229
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,811
I noticed it and I was on
my phone the whole time.
230
00:10:04,879 --> 00:10:07,581
You still didn't get your
stuff back from your ex?
231
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,650
No. And now he's out of town,
232
00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:11,351
so I'm trying to get
his landlord to let me in,
233
00:10:11,419 --> 00:10:12,986
but the guy does not answer his phone.
234
00:10:13,054 --> 00:10:14,821
It's like if someone calls
you, you answer your phone.
235
00:10:14,889 --> 00:10:16,923
You know? Don't be a douche.
( Phone chimes )
236
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,226
Oh, it's my mom. Good-bye.
237
00:10:19,293 --> 00:10:22,396
Before everyone leaves,
I still don't have a way
238
00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:24,543
to seem more sympathetic
on "America's Top Designer."
239
00:10:24,599 --> 00:10:26,299
I don't want to get
kicked off this show.
240
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:28,869
What if Ed pretended to be
your homophobic dad
241
00:10:28,936 --> 00:10:30,937
and you had a tearful reunion with him?
242
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,874
Yes! And we haven't
talked in, like, 20 years
243
00:10:33,941 --> 00:10:35,308
and you come back to make peace.
244
00:10:35,376 --> 00:10:37,244
And you say you're done being gay
245
00:10:37,311 --> 00:10:39,579
and I say I'm proud of you.
246
00:10:39,647 --> 00:10:41,848
Or you come out of the closet
247
00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:44,918
as a giant Texas drag queen
and your catchphrase is,
248
00:10:44,986 --> 00:10:46,720
"Everything is bigger in Texas"
249
00:10:46,788 --> 00:10:49,056
"and I like it like that."
250
00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:51,158
( Coughing )
251
00:10:51,225 --> 00:10:53,527
Um, Nolan's choking.
252
00:10:53,594 --> 00:10:56,396
Wait a minute. That is a great idea.
253
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:58,865
What is?
254
00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,634
Our challenge this week
is to make a shirt
255
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,502
out of things we find in a candy store.
256
00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:05,939
Nolan can pretend to be some random
guy choking on a jawbreaker.
257
00:11:06,007 --> 00:11:08,408
I can save his life and
then everyone will love me.
258
00:11:08,476 --> 00:11:10,944
Oh, great. You can practice on me.
259
00:11:11,012 --> 00:11:13,213
Okay.
260
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:15,415
Need some water?
261
00:11:15,483 --> 00:11:17,443
Not mine. Go get your own.
262
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:21,755
( Coughs )
263
00:11:21,823 --> 00:11:24,357
Thank God I wasn't alone.
264
00:11:24,425 --> 00:11:26,226
That could have been serious.
265
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,864
Charlie, I got some beer.
266
00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:34,067
I can't talk right now.
Jack's in the other room.
267
00:11:34,135 --> 00:11:36,536
Holy crap, I knew it. He took the bait.
268
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:38,872
Jack.
269
00:11:38,940 --> 00:11:41,541
What's up?
270
00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:43,744
This is difficult.
271
00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:45,212
I really do want to trust you,
272
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:48,615
but a couple hours ago,
I left a hundred dollar bill
273
00:11:48,683 --> 00:11:51,985
on the table and now it's gone.
274
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,355
Oh, that was yours?
275
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:01,128
Money that's in my house
276
00:12:01,195 --> 00:12:04,231
tends to be, generally,
with few exceptions, mine!
277
00:12:06,134 --> 00:12:09,035
So do you want the change?
278
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,972
Yes.
279
00:12:12,039 --> 00:12:13,807
So you thought I stole your money.
280
00:12:13,875 --> 00:12:16,309
Clearly a misunderstanding.
281
00:12:16,377 --> 00:12:19,346
I'm sorry, Jack.
282
00:12:19,413 --> 00:12:21,715
Beer?
283
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,350
This is more than a misunderstanding.
284
00:12:23,417 --> 00:12:24,885
You've been following me all day.
285
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,888
The whole key thing? You don't trust me.
286
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,357
He's got a point, Charlie.
You do have trust issues.
287
00:12:32,493 --> 00:12:35,362
Oh, your car keys.
I used your car. Sorry.
288
00:12:37,698 --> 00:12:40,567
Look, I am really sorry about all this.
289
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,435
I have no problem with you at all.
290
00:12:42,503 --> 00:12:44,471
Cool.
291
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,873
Because if you got no problem with me,
292
00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:49,543
how about putting in a good
word with your Aunt Lacey, huh?
293
00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:52,212
Okay, sure.
294
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,080
- Done.
- Thanks.
295
00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,982
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if
someday I ended up as your uncle?
296
00:12:56,050 --> 00:12:58,451
( Chuckles )
297
00:12:58,519 --> 00:13:01,439
For the record, that would
only be a little bit funny.
298
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:04,367
It wouldn't be funny at all.
299
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,560
Now I've got to stop her
from dating this guy
300
00:13:06,627 --> 00:13:08,962
without letting her know how dangerous
he is because that's her type.
301
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,064
What's her type?
302
00:13:11,132 --> 00:13:14,000
Uneducated bad-boy knuckleheads.
303
00:13:14,068 --> 00:13:16,636
She went out with me.
304
00:13:16,704 --> 00:13:19,144
You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?
305
00:13:21,242 --> 00:13:22,976
So you came all the way
over here to tell me
306
00:13:23,044 --> 00:13:24,911
that I shouldn't go out
with the plumber?
307
00:13:24,979 --> 00:13:28,014
Yeah, he asked me to put in a
good word because I trust him,
308
00:13:28,082 --> 00:13:30,250
but I don't.
309
00:13:30,318 --> 00:13:33,019
It doesn't matter. All you had
to do was tell me he's a plumber
310
00:13:33,087 --> 00:13:35,322
'cause that's gross.
311
00:13:35,389 --> 00:13:37,424
Actually, it's good, honest work
312
00:13:37,491 --> 00:13:39,526
done by good, honest people
313
00:13:39,594 --> 00:13:41,628
except for this guy who's an ex-con.
314
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:45,165
- See you later.
- Wait, he's an ex-con?
315
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:46,867
Did I say ex-con?
316
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:49,936
I meant to say that he works for ConEx.
317
00:13:50,004 --> 00:13:53,840
It's like FedEx,
but only in Connecticut.
318
00:13:53,908 --> 00:13:55,842
What did he do?
319
00:13:55,910 --> 00:13:57,878
It was breaking and entering mostly.
320
00:13:57,945 --> 00:14:00,247
Really? Oh, cool.
Thanks for stopping by.
321
00:14:00,314 --> 00:14:01,948
This was really helpful
whatever you just said.
322
00:14:02,016 --> 00:14:03,950
I'll see you in group.
323
00:14:04,018 --> 00:14:05,886
No, no, Lacey. It's not cool.
324
00:14:05,953 --> 00:14:08,255
You're always attracted to bad boys.
325
00:14:08,322 --> 00:14:10,590
Aren't you tired of guys
that treat you like crap,
326
00:14:10,658 --> 00:14:13,293
steal your stuff, and are covered
with misspelled tattoos?
327
00:14:13,361 --> 00:14:16,196
Charlie, that last guy
had a foot fetish, okay?
328
00:14:16,264 --> 00:14:19,566
He meant to write "Born to raise heel."
329
00:14:19,634 --> 00:14:22,569
Yeah, but this is a pattern
we're trying to break.
330
00:14:22,637 --> 00:14:24,804
No, it's not. It's a pattern
you're trying to break.
331
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:28,073
- I'm kind of into it. - I really
think we should talk more about this.
332
00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:31,077
( Knocks )
333
00:14:31,145 --> 00:14:33,546
Can I come back in?
334
00:14:33,614 --> 00:14:36,996
I don't feel like I quite
accomplished what I came here to do.
335
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:45,368
So, our challenge today
is to burst inside
336
00:14:45,423 --> 00:14:47,791
a busy candy store and grab
all the supplies
337
00:14:47,858 --> 00:14:50,260
we need to make a shirt
made out of candy.
338
00:14:50,327 --> 00:14:53,329
Of course, I'm the only
one who planned ahead,
339
00:14:53,397 --> 00:14:56,633
so everyone else is running
around in a mad panic.
340
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,568
I mean, look at Courtney.
341
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:01,137
Usually, she is so smug.
342
00:15:01,205 --> 00:15:04,340
But how's she gonna make fringe
when I got all the gummy worms?
343
00:15:04,408 --> 00:15:07,510
( Coughing )
344
00:15:07,578 --> 00:15:09,846
Oh, my God. That man is choking.
345
00:15:09,914 --> 00:15:12,415
I'll save you.
346
00:15:13,827 --> 00:15:16,028
Don't worry, you're gonna be okay.
347
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:17,921
What the hell are you doing?
348
00:15:17,988 --> 00:15:20,290
Saving this man's life.
349
00:15:20,357 --> 00:15:22,659
I was gonna save his life.
350
00:15:22,726 --> 00:15:24,861
Didn't you see me run over here?
351
00:15:24,929 --> 00:15:26,770
I got here first. What
difference does it make?
352
00:15:26,797 --> 00:15:28,665
It makes a big difference!
353
00:15:28,732 --> 00:15:32,101
Why don't we let him decide
who saves his life or not?
354
00:15:32,169 --> 00:15:34,237
Are you crazy? He's choking.
355
00:15:34,305 --> 00:15:37,807
Okay, you, raise one finger if
you want me to save your life
356
00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:40,109
or two fingers for her.
357
00:15:40,177 --> 00:15:43,580
No, I said one for me, two for her.
358
00:15:43,647 --> 00:15:45,448
( Grunts )
359
00:15:46,617 --> 00:15:48,885
( Applause )
360
00:15:48,953 --> 00:15:50,887
Thank you so much.
361
00:15:50,955 --> 00:15:52,889
No, don't thank her!
362
00:15:52,957 --> 00:15:56,125
She's not the hero.
I'm supposed to be the hero.
363
00:15:56,193 --> 00:15:58,228
She stole my thunder just like she stole
364
00:15:58,295 --> 00:16:00,663
last week's pantsuit
design from Versace.
365
00:16:02,099 --> 00:16:04,901
Yeah, that's right, honey. You're done.
366
00:16:04,969 --> 00:16:07,203
You can turn your scissors in.
367
00:16:08,639 --> 00:16:10,707
Excuse me?
368
00:16:10,774 --> 00:16:14,310
I'm sorry, you want
me to turn in my scissors?
369
00:16:14,378 --> 00:16:16,379
Well, that hardly seems...
370
00:16:18,015 --> 00:16:19,382
Okay.
371
00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:26,322
So that is pretty much how
pediatric neurosurgery works.
372
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:28,258
It's like working on a normal brain,
373
00:16:28,325 --> 00:16:30,093
only it's smaller.
374
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,563
So are the surgical
instruments smaller, too?
375
00:16:33,631 --> 00:16:35,298
Are they, Dr. Goodson?
376
00:16:35,366 --> 00:16:39,702
Yeah, I'm pioneering
a pair of tiny tweezers
377
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,671
that should really change the game.
378
00:16:42,215 --> 00:16:44,416
If you'll excuse me, I have to go call
379
00:16:44,441 --> 00:16:45,708
the teeny, tiny hospital.
380
00:16:50,214 --> 00:16:51,915
Lacey, it's Charlie.
381
00:16:51,982 --> 00:16:53,816
Look, I know you're having
fun with Jack,
382
00:16:53,884 --> 00:16:57,487
but if you're on a drug run or
lying unconscious somewhere,
383
00:16:57,555 --> 00:16:59,455
call me, let me know you're okay.
384
00:17:00,522 --> 00:17:03,002
Charlie, you've got to
let this Lacey thing go.
385
00:17:03,027 --> 00:17:05,261
I can't. I feel like it's my fault.
386
00:17:05,329 --> 00:17:07,089
I'm the one who made him
look like a bad boy.
387
00:17:07,131 --> 00:17:10,800
Listen, man, sometimes grown
women make bad decisions.
388
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:13,202
Like those two that decided
they want to have sex
389
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:14,537
with pretend baby surgeons.
390
00:17:14,605 --> 00:17:16,072
Now, can we go do this?
391
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:18,308
( Phone chimes )
392
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:20,043
Jordan?
393
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:23,112
I want you to know I put
my money where my mouth is.
394
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:25,848
I just cosigned for Jack's moving
van even though you wouldn't.
395
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:27,550
He never asked me to cosign.
396
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:29,485
And what's he need
a moving van for anyway?
397
00:17:29,553 --> 00:17:31,120
The guy doesn't have any stuff.
398
00:17:31,188 --> 00:17:33,122
Plus, he's on a date with Lacey.
399
00:17:33,190 --> 00:17:35,124
( Gasps )
Oh, my God! You were right.
400
00:17:35,192 --> 00:17:36,726
He's gonna line the van with plastic,
401
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:40,463
kill her, and drive
her dead body to a landfill.
402
00:17:40,531 --> 00:17:42,899
What are you talking about?
The guy's not a murderer.
403
00:17:42,967 --> 00:17:46,903
He's a breakerer and enterer.
404
00:17:46,971 --> 00:17:49,272
Sorry, I've been watching
too much "Dateline."
405
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:52,875
They should really call that show
"Dateline: Murder in a Van."
406
00:17:52,943 --> 00:17:54,544
I think I know what's going on.
407
00:17:54,612 --> 00:17:56,713
- Murder in a van?
- Will you stop it?
408
00:17:58,549 --> 00:18:00,917
Lacey's using Jack
409
00:18:00,985 --> 00:18:02,919
to break into her ex-boyfriend's
house to get her stuff back.
410
00:18:02,987 --> 00:18:05,054
I got to get over there
and see if I can stop them.
411
00:18:05,122 --> 00:18:06,389
Be careful.
412
00:18:06,457 --> 00:18:07,790
Don't worry about me.
413
00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:09,926
Something bad happens,
my name's not on that van.
414
00:18:09,994 --> 00:18:12,629
Whoever signed
for that thing is screwed.
415
00:18:24,638 --> 00:18:26,581
Hello, Lacey.
416
00:18:27,722 --> 00:18:29,803
- Charlie.
- Hey, man, what's up?
417
00:18:29,870 --> 00:18:33,340
Jack, do not let her talk you into
breaking into her ex-boyfriend's place.
418
00:18:33,407 --> 00:18:35,608
I mean, she's cute and she's fun,
419
00:18:35,676 --> 00:18:37,677
but she's not worth
going back to prison for.
420
00:18:37,745 --> 00:18:40,447
Charlie, we're going out to round up
feral cats and have them neutered.
421
00:18:40,514 --> 00:18:44,084
Oh, come on. Rental van, the
gloves, the black clothes.
422
00:18:44,151 --> 00:18:46,987
If a third grader drew burglars,
423
00:18:47,054 --> 00:18:48,922
it'd be a picture of you guys.
424
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:50,657
The gloves are so we don't get scratched
425
00:18:50,724 --> 00:18:51,757
and the black is so they don't
see us sneaking up on them.
426
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,193
Oh, really?
427
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:55,862
Feral cats are wandering
the streets getting pregnant
428
00:18:55,930 --> 00:18:59,733
and crapping out dozens of
starving kittens every day.
429
00:19:01,302 --> 00:19:03,103
Okay, that's not how it works.
430
00:19:04,555 --> 00:19:06,315
And you're lying.
( Gasps )
431
00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:10,176
Why do you want kittens to die, Charlie?
432
00:19:10,244 --> 00:19:12,479
Tell you what. Since you're
not committing any crimes,
433
00:19:12,546 --> 00:19:14,481
just gonna go round up a bunch of
stray cats, I'll come with you.
434
00:19:14,548 --> 00:19:16,583
Fine. I hope you don't mind
435
00:19:16,650 --> 00:19:19,371
- sitting in the back with the cats.
- Not a problem.
436
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,421
Do you mind putting kittens in
your pockets to keep them warm?
437
00:19:21,489 --> 00:19:24,190
- I'm fine with that.
- If a kitten has a heart attack,
438
00:19:24,258 --> 00:19:26,626
are you prepared to do cat CPR?
439
00:19:26,694 --> 00:19:28,574
There are no cats! Let's go!
440
00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:33,466
Hey, Patrick. Thought I'd find you here.
441
00:19:33,534 --> 00:19:35,468
Sorry about what happened.
442
00:19:35,536 --> 00:19:37,470
It's not your fault. It was a bad plan.
443
00:19:37,538 --> 00:19:39,406
It was doomed from the start.
444
00:19:39,473 --> 00:19:42,976
Apparently, screaming at someone
for saving a life is frowned upon,
445
00:19:43,044 --> 00:19:45,678
even on reality TV.
446
00:19:45,746 --> 00:19:49,115
Except for every darn week
on "Hillbilly Paramedic."
447
00:19:51,085 --> 00:19:53,920
I just... I just want to be famous
448
00:19:53,988 --> 00:19:56,122
and live in the world of
people who make a difference.
449
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:58,758
Like the Kardashians.
450
00:19:58,826 --> 00:20:01,728
You don't have to be on TV
to have an interesting life.
451
00:20:01,796 --> 00:20:02,962
Oh, right.
452
00:20:03,030 --> 00:20:04,364
Have you ever shut your eyes on a bus
453
00:20:04,432 --> 00:20:06,472
and woke up and had
no idea where you are?
454
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,168
That's interesting.
455
00:20:08,235 --> 00:20:10,770
I do that every day.
456
00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:12,872
That's terrifying.
457
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:15,275
You should try it. Come on, you and me,
458
00:20:15,342 --> 00:20:16,776
let's have an adventure.
459
00:20:16,844 --> 00:20:19,079
Let's sleep together on a bus.
460
00:20:19,146 --> 00:20:21,281
You know something, Nolan?
461
00:20:21,348 --> 00:20:24,184
I'm gonna say no.
462
00:20:24,251 --> 00:20:27,253
That's okay. I got to
get up early anyway.
463
00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:29,489
I'm being interviewed
by "Entertainment Tonight,"
464
00:20:29,557 --> 00:20:31,458
"Extra," and "TMZ."
465
00:20:31,525 --> 00:20:33,526
- What?
- Yeah.
466
00:20:33,594 --> 00:20:36,029
Apparently, I'm the first
person whose life was saved
467
00:20:36,097 --> 00:20:38,031
from choking on a reality show.
468
00:20:38,099 --> 00:20:40,266
I'm gonna be famous.
469
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,688
Oh, my God. What happened to you?
470
00:20:49,713 --> 00:20:53,282
I did right by my patients
just like you wanted me to.
471
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:56,919
And your patients
scratched your face up?
472
00:20:56,987 --> 00:21:00,188
No, I stopped them from breaking into
Lacey's ex-boyfriend's apartment.
473
00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:02,224
Unfortunately, the only way to do that
474
00:21:02,292 --> 00:21:04,927
was through a van of feral cats.
475
00:21:04,995 --> 00:21:06,495
What?
476
00:21:06,563 --> 00:21:08,364
They were pretending
to go out and rescue cats
477
00:21:08,431 --> 00:21:09,899
and I called their bluff.
478
00:21:09,966 --> 00:21:11,567
How do you know they weren't
479
00:21:11,635 --> 00:21:13,936
actually going out to look for cats?
480
00:21:14,004 --> 00:21:15,304
Because they weren't.
481
00:21:15,372 --> 00:21:17,540
Well, Jack told me he was thinking about
482
00:21:17,607 --> 00:21:19,642
starting a cat rescue.
483
00:21:21,344 --> 00:21:23,412
That would have been nice to know.
484
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:31,749
www.addic7ed.com