1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,703 Hey, Charlie. 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,106 Did you see this article in today's paper? 3 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,375 No, no, so can we just skip straight to the part 4 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,310 where you twist it around to get something you want? 5 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,512 Sure. It says here that men my age 6 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,015 who just sit around the house doing nothing all day 7 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:19,018 end up dead within three years of retirement. 8 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:21,253 You retired four years ago. 9 00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:23,122 Why are you stretching this out? 10 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,757 What I'm saying is 11 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:27,326 that I need at least $200 more a month... 12 00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:28,627 cost-of-living increase, 13 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,562 and that's just $50 extra a week. 14 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,097 To go bowling, play golf, 15 00:00:32,099 --> 00:00:33,332 and go to the movies. 16 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,134 You already do all of that. 17 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:38,237 I know, but I'd like to do $200 more of it. 18 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,473 But you've never even thanked me for the money I give you now. 19 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,142 You're right. Thank you. 20 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,576 But I'd really like to know I'm covered... 21 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,045 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't say, 22 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:48,080 "Thank you, but..." You always do that. 23 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,249 There is no "but" after a "thank you." 24 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:53,252 Ah, you're right. Again, thank you. 25 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,720 I really appreciate all the money 26 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,056 you've given me every month. It means the world to me. 27 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,590 - Well, you're welcome. - But... 28 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,192 you're a cheapskate, Charlie. 29 00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,693 You just did it again! 30 00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:04,363 Charlie, I could be dead any day now. 31 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,497 Well, that's why I need the money. 32 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,299 I'm saving up for the party. 33 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,269 All right, everybody, sit down. 34 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,071 Let's get started. 35 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:13,505 What should we talk about today? 36 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,074 I don't know. I'll pick something random: 37 00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:17,676 parents and why they torture us. 38 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,412 Lacey, your mom's a pain in the ass. 39 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,181 How do you deal with that? 40 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:25,084 Communicating with her is the key. 41 00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:28,120 I find that not doing that is really working for me. 42 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:31,390 Oh, my God, right? Rather than fight with my father, 43 00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:33,692 I just yell at this old man at the hardware store. 44 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,327 He just stands there and takes it. 45 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,229 Especially if I buy something. 46 00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,697 If any of you need a wrench, 47 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,866 I've got, like, 30. 48 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:43,635 Well, what do you and your dad fight about? 49 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,104 Is it the gay thing? 50 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,506 No, Ed. For your information, 51 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:49,408 my father is angry at me because I don't want 52 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:51,477 to take over the family construction business. 53 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,279 Ah, good for your father for not admitting 54 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,515 it's the gay thing. 55 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,817 I like my dad. Last time I saw him, 56 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,753 we smoked a joint together and laughed all night. 57 00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:03,288 When was that? 58 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,591 The day before he abandoned the family. 59 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,795 Look, guys, talking to your parents is difficult. 60 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,330 I know. ( chuckles ) 61 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,799 My God, do I know. ( sighs ) 62 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:17,236 But that relationship is the core of your anger issues. 63 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,705 My God, do I know. 64 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:22,141 My daddy passed, Charlie, 65 00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:23,775 and my mother hasn't said a word to me 66 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,310 since the wife and I split. 67 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:28,614 I'm sorry, Ed. Your mother? 68 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,316 Well, yeah, she's alive. 69 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:34,653 Apparently evil is an embalming fluid. 70 00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:38,390 ( Whispering ) I can't believe we're doing this. 71 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,726 Well, I didn't go through prison security to say "hi." 72 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:42,761 Charlie could be here any minute. We could get caught. 73 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,329 I know, that's what makes it fun. 74 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,431 You've never had sex at work before? 75 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:47,618 The closest I've ever come 76 00:02:47,618 --> 00:02:50,066 was when I was in high school and I worked at the mall. 77 00:02:50,066 --> 00:02:53,438 There was a security guard who used to touch himself when I walked to my car. 78 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,908 That's good times. I used to work at the Pretzel Hut. 79 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:57,543 We did stuff to the dough. 80 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,948 Jordakins! 81 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,683 Uh, just a second! 82 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,785 I had an incident and feel I need to discuss it 83 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,820 with a trained professional. 84 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,189 I'll be right there. 85 00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,758 I'm dealing with a furniture repairman. 86 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,661 I started a food fight in the cafeteria 87 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,596 and thought it would lead to comic hijinks, 88 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,665 but three people are dead. 89 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,800 Why would I do that? 90 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:25,704 You know what? I've changed my mind. 91 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,208 I don't want to do anything with the office furniture here. 92 00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:33,312 I understand. Well, maybe we can continue 93 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:35,547 our, uh, furniture discussion later at the Merry Peasant. 94 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,382 That's an interesting place 95 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,850 to have a public discussion. 96 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,787 Yes. Yes, it is. 97 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,289 ( Softly ) Especially in the restroom. 98 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:53,498 You know, I've been in prison for a long time, 99 00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,868 but are you gonna bang that boy at a restaurant? 100 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,537 You're avoiding. 101 00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,439 You're asking questions about my life 102 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,608 instead of discussing your own problems. 103 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,409 I do have a problem. 104 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,778 My therapist won't tell me whether she's gonna bang 105 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,615 her furniture repairman at a restaurant. 106 00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,685 ( Theme music playing ) 107 00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:16,989 So today I thought we'd do something 108 00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:18,690 a little bit different. 109 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,393 Does it involve a bat and a piñata? 110 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,262 Yes, Nolan, because the best lesson 111 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:24,596 you can teach people with anger issues 112 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,031 is that if you hit something hard enough, 113 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,499 candy will fall out. 114 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:30,802 You know, the last time I was blindfolded, 115 00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,738 the guy said it was gonna rock my world, 116 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,774 but he ended up just stealing my TV. 117 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:38,777 ( Chuckles ) We must've gone out with the same guy. 118 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,612 Here's a clue: 119 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,981 it has eight legs, 120 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,750 two wheels, and it's the stuff 121 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,451 that nightmares are made of. 122 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,421 If you put a spider on me, Charlie, I'll kill you. 123 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:53,025 No, it has two wheels. It's a spider on a bicycle. 124 00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:57,296 That's even scarier, because you can't outrun it. 125 00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:59,865 No, it's not a spider on a bike. 126 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,467 It's your parents! Surprise! 127 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,339 - Oh, crap. - Dad? 128 00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:10,342 Anyone else have any initial gut reactions? 129 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,844 Uh, I have a little one... 130 00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,447 this isn't my dad. 131 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:24,323 Patrick, this is no time to fool around. I've got a lot to deal with. 132 00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,792 I'm not kidding, Charlie. This isn't my father. 133 00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:30,562 But there was only two James McPatricks in Des Moines. 134 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,464 This guy said he was your dad. 135 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,566 The other guy said his son was dead. 136 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,669 That's my dad! 137 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,871 Sorry I lied. But once I heard "free ticket to LA," 138 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,107 I would've said I was Mickey Mouse's dad. ( chuckles ) 139 00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,376 Speaking of which, how far is Disneyland? 140 00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:48,113 - About an hour and a half. - Never mind. You're busy. 141 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,082 You can take me tomorrow. 142 00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,417 Charlie, my mother's already starting. 143 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,653 So if you see a red handprint on her face, 144 00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,088 it was probably Nolan. 145 00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:58,957 He has no patience for that judgmental bitch. 146 00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:03,895 All right, I got to get back out there. 147 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,964 Look, this man obviously isn't your father. 148 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,492 So if you want to leave, you can. 149 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,232 Are you kidding? And miss the fights? 150 00:06:09,232 --> 00:06:10,714 - I'm sticking around. - Me, too! 151 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,070 Do they still have Space Mountain? 152 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,538 I've heard that's something else. 153 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,441 I'm not taking you to Disneyland! 154 00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:20,645 Okay, everybody, take a seat. 155 00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,881 Please sit next to a family member. 156 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,117 Or somebody from the same county you lived in. 157 00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,987 What the hell were you thinking 158 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:32,090 not to tell us our damned parents were gonna be here? 159 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,860 Although I'm glad you're here, Mama. 160 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,828 How was your flight? 161 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:39,898 Nothing! 162 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,800 Because if you knew they were coming, 163 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:44,035 you all would have bailed. Plus I gotta tell you, 164 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:47,472 the look on your faces was priceless. 165 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,075 I, for one, just think this whole idea 166 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,643 is really neat. 167 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,178 Oh, my God. That is so weird. 168 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,480 I was thinking of saying the word neat. 169 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:58,016 ( Chuckles ) I almost said cool. 170 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:01,453 But then I just thought, you know, neat is better. 171 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,056 Genetics. 172 00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:08,894 So what you're all gonna do is split up. 173 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,862 Oh, that's a great idea. My mom can stay here 174 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,664 and I'll go to Neiman's. 175 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,766 What's Neiman's? Where is Neiman's? 176 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,669 Should I see that while I'm here? 177 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,604 Nobody's going to Neiman's. 178 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,640 You're all gonna split off into different rooms, 179 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,608 start a dialogue, and I'll come around 180 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,510 and make sure that you're communicating effectively. 181 00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:26,978 I just want you all to talk. 182 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,781 You hear that, you vicious old crow? 183 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,517 You've got to talk. 184 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,988 She just threw a pen at me! 185 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,191 Okay, this is definitely a rule: 186 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:41,593 no throwing pens. 187 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:45,497 ( Sighs ) Why does she have all these pens? 188 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,167 So are you excited? 189 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,936 Yes. 190 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,505 I mean none of these people know what we're about to do. 191 00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,740 You're gonna have sex in the bathroom. 192 00:07:57,109 --> 00:08:00,045 Us? No. ( chuckles ) 193 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:03,482 We're here for the... karaoke or... 194 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:04,883 the trivia or... 195 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,485 what's going on here today? 196 00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,254 Sex in the bathroom. 197 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,957 It happens here every day. 198 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,959 That's why I rent this 199 00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,928 for $20. 200 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,065 Wait. So people are always doing it in there? 201 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,800 I'll tell you what. 202 00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,635 I'll let you use the walk-in cooler, 203 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,271 but don't let your tender parts touch nothing 204 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,939 'cause they will stick. 205 00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:32,677 - ( Sighs deeply ) - Mm-mm. 206 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,779 Let's go back to my place. 207 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:36,681 No, I still wanna be in public. 208 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,583 Ooh! You know where I've never done it? 209 00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:39,718 A car. 210 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,219 You're never gonna believe this... 211 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,688 but I just happen to have a car in the parking lot 212 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,825 that will be perfect for having sex in a car. 213 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,927 And hundreds of people haven't had sex in it. 214 00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:49,961 Yep. 215 00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:52,797 Yep. 216 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:58,069 ( Giggling ) Oh, I mean when you're baked, 217 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:02,607 you know, Indiana and India sound... ( chuckles ) 218 00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,010 very similar. 219 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:08,847 And that's how I ended up working at a call center in Mumbai. 220 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:12,150 ( laughing ) 221 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,086 You know, Charlie said that we should be... 222 00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,856 talking about the serious problems with our relationship. 223 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:21,092 How can we have serious problems with our relationship? 224 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:24,095 I've seen you, like, twice in 20 years. 225 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,264 ( laughing ) 226 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,033 ( sighs ) Yeah. 227 00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:31,269 You know why I don't respect you? 228 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,338 - Because you're a whore! - Okay, okay, okay! 229 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,873 Let's stop with the name-calling. 230 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,008 Yeah, bitch, follow the rules. 231 00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,779 - Lacey? - Okay, well, get this... 232 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,914 if I'm a whore, how does it feel 233 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,016 to not be respected by a whore? 234 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,019 How can you not respect me? I've given you everything. 235 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,889 Yes, and I appreciate that, but you... 236 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,757 You know what? Never mind. 237 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,326 No, no, no, no! 238 00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,027 "Never mind" is what you two have been doing 239 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,362 for years and it's not working. 240 00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,231 "Never mind" is the reason you wound up 241 00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:03,101 in the bedroom with me and your mom. 242 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,103 Okay, that sounded weird. 243 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,838 I don't want to talk about it anymore! 244 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,840 Lacey, Lacey, the whole reason we're here 245 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,642 is to express our feelings. 246 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,877 Tell her why you don't respect her. 247 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,980 I promise she'll be glad to hear it. 248 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:17,882 Dad cheated on you, and you knew it! 249 00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,317 He had sex with that woman in his office 250 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,286 and you did nothing about it! 251 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,355 - You're weak! - ( gasps ) 252 00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,323 - Wow. - ( sighs ) 253 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,959 Okay, well, that's a big bombshell. 254 00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:33,131 But I promise that that's the worst of it. 255 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,000 You've hit bottom. It only gets better from here. 256 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,203 And I am not weak! I revenged myself on your father 257 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,171 by sleeping with your boyfriend, Juan Carlos! 258 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:43,008 You what?! 259 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,177 Okay, what I meant to say is, it gets better from here. 260 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,318 Hey, Patrick, where's the best place in LA 261 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,986 to see movie stars? 262 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,688 Rehab. 263 00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,992 Hey, I know you got screwed out of the dad thing here, 264 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,728 so, uh, if you want to talk... 265 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,330 I'd pretend to be your dad. 266 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,299 You're a stranger. I don't wanna talk to you. 267 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:09,834 You know nothing about me. 268 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,369 Okay, okay. I was just trying to help. 269 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,171 No, I was just pretending you were my dad. 270 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,340 - Thank you! - Oh. 271 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:19,344 Look, Mama, it's not like it was in your day. 272 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,747 Sometimes young people, such as myself, 273 00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:25,350 get divorced. 274 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:28,319 All right. If you won't say it, 275 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,955 write it down. 276 00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,229 "Thanks for the pen"? 277 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:44,202 Well, so far, your mother is my favorite person in this house. 278 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,738 Tell me, was he exactly like this as a baby? 279 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,473 All bald and pink and angry? 280 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,843 Damn it! Patrick, get the hell out of here! 281 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,812 ( Whispering ) 282 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:57,148 Sure. 283 00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,318 From now on, I'll be speaking for your mother. 284 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,821 Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. 285 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:06,791 Damn it! I could kill Charlie for this! 286 00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:11,062 I would never interfere with his crappy relationship with his dad. 287 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,331 ( Whispers ) 288 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,900 We think you curse too much. 289 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,203 Oh, also, she says you should close your mouth 290 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,004 when you're eating donuts in group. 291 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:22,207 That was not her, that was you! 292 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,909 I am not at liberty to say. 293 00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:30,515 ( Sighs ) I'm sorry about the back seat. 294 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,318 It's fine up here. 295 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,153 Are you sure? I mean it's a little cramped. 296 00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,122 There's a hotel around the corner. We can do it there. 297 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,990 But then there's no danger. 298 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,126 It's a really seedy hotel. 299 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,994 Pretty good chance we'd get shot. 300 00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:44,429 Come on. 301 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,364 I've always wanted to do it in a car. 302 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:49,000 All right. Let's go. Come on. 303 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:52,403 - Here, just move this leg. - Ow! Just be careful. 304 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,172 - Okay, there we go. - ( car horn honks ) 305 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,407 That's the horn in case you didn't hear that. 306 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,276 Okay. 307 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,411 All right. ( sighs ) 308 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:03,348 Ooh! It's great what you're doing with your hands back there. 309 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,350 ( laughing ) That's not my hands. 310 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:09,120 ( Giggling ) Oh, whatever it is, I like it. 311 00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:14,259 Mm-hmm. Ow, ow, ow, ow! 312 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,528 - Sorry. Can you move your leg? - Sorry. 313 00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:19,030 - Okay. Yeah, that's better. - Okay. 314 00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:22,233 Are we moving? 315 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:25,537 I'm kinda pinned, so moving's gonna have to be your department. 316 00:13:25,539 --> 00:13:28,039 ( All bickering ) 317 00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,975 Hey, hey, hey! Everybody! 318 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,344 Everybody quiet down and have a seat! 319 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:36,114 This is totally what I expected. 320 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,883 Getting angry and yelling at each other is part of the process. 321 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:40,418 My dad and I aren't really angry, 322 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,353 we're just making fun of these guys. 323 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,289 - ( Chuckles ) "You're a whore!" - "No, you're a whore!" 324 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:47,458 - "You're a whore!" - "No, you're a whore!" 325 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:50,929 I'm leaving. This is a waste of everybody's time. 326 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,831 No, no, no. Nobody is leaving. 327 00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,265 You're all gonna make this work. 328 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,936 He's right, everybody. I'm willing to dig in. 329 00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,571 Look, I know that it's not easy. 330 00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:01,339 But even the most dysfunctional families 331 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,942 can come to a place of love and understanding. 332 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:08,346 Hello, everyone. I'm Martin. Charlie's dad. 333 00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:11,115 Dad? What are you doing here? 334 00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,851 Well, I thought this might be a good time 335 00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:15,253 for us to work out our little difference. You know? 336 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,621 And you can show these people 337 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,672 that you practice what you preach. 338 00:14:18,672 --> 00:14:21,578 Actually, this is a private group session that nobody wants you to interrupt. 339 00:14:21,578 --> 00:14:22,648 I do. 340 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:25,563 That's why I called him. 341 00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:29,267 Welcome aboard the Pain Train, Charlie. 342 00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:31,202 Whoo! Whoo! 343 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,578 Do you really think I'm going to say yes 344 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,881 to your stupid $200 a month just because it's in front of my group? 345 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,349 I sure do. 346 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,284 Otherwise you're gonna look like a hypocrite, 347 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,186 treating your old man like a second-class citizen 348 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,554 in front of all those people. 349 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,155 All right, all right, fine. 350 00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:53,458 You'll get your $200 a month. 351 00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,260 But you and I are gonna pretend 352 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,128 - to work it out in front of them. - Why? 353 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,264 Because if they see a difficult situation 354 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,099 resolved right before their eyes, 355 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,667 it might give them enough hope to continue. 356 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,669 All right, fine. 357 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,071 Get your checkbook out and hold onto your socks 358 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,340 because you're about to see the performance of a lifetime. 359 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,009 I'm a pretty good actor, you know. 360 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:14,612 Please, Dad. You couldn't act hot in a fire. 361 00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,649 Follow my lead. 362 00:15:17,651 --> 00:15:19,384 ( Mocking ) I'll try. 363 00:15:21,353 --> 00:15:24,322 All right, everyone. Obviously my dad and I 364 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:25,990 are having a fight. So I thought it'd be good 365 00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:28,326 for you guys to see how we resolve it. 366 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,961 ( Stiffly ) Hold the phone, my son. 367 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,963 You want me to do this in front of the group? 368 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,431 You did not tell me that. 369 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,200 Well, we're doing it. 370 00:15:36,202 --> 00:15:38,336 I want to show these people how honest communication 371 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,705 can be successful if you don't give up. 372 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,341 Fine. Then I will go along with this, 373 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,343 but it will not be easy for me, 374 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,045 for I am a very shy man. 375 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,080 And a reserved man. 376 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,552 Good, well, the first step in honest communication 377 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,522 is you're allowed to speak in contractions. 378 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,660 Now, Dad, why are you so angry? 379 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:07,098 I asked for a simple cost-of-living increase. 380 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,467 Just $200 a month. 381 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,302 And I was refused. 382 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,338 Alas, I felt devaluated. 383 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,373 By you, alas. 384 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:20,078 Yeah, we heard the first alas. 385 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,146 Look, I understand how you feel, 386 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:25,149 but sometimes I feel underappreciated by you. 387 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,418 - I'm very sorry. - And I'm very sorry. 388 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:30,288 And now that we've had this open communication, 389 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,223 I feel better about giving you the money. 390 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,258 - And the car. - So, you see how when... 391 00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:36,394 wait, what?! 392 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,496 - We talked about this. - We never talked about that. 393 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,532 - And you have a car. - It's a piece of junk that barely moves. 394 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,735 Well, it was good enough to get you here to blackmail me. 395 00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:46,471 Ah, blackmail. No, blackmail is when 396 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:49,307 you tell these people you'll help them get rid of their anger, 397 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,541 but it's gonna cost them a lot of money. 398 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:53,411 Are you kidding? They cost me money. 399 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,246 I flew everybody out at my expense 400 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,215 and put 'em up in hotels, including this guy, 401 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,584 who isn't even related to anybody. 402 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,519 Thank you again. This is terrific. 403 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:06,257 You gave these people money and refused your own father? 404 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:09,560 Thank God your mother is not alive to see this, may she rest in peace. 405 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:13,097 She's in Florida. She's not dead. 406 00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:15,600 But, alas, you are to me. 407 00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,607 Whoo! Whoo! 408 00:17:24,743 --> 00:17:28,179 Ed, I can't believe you brought Charlie's father into this. 409 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,448 You think that is a terrible thing to do? 410 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:31,616 Absolutely. 411 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,818 And I loved every second of it. 412 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:38,089 She did, too. 413 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,158 You see? We agree on something. 414 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,826 If you think about it, 415 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,328 apart from my wife and I splitting up, 416 00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,297 we agree on most everything. 417 00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,068 No. 418 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,803 Divorce is a sin. 419 00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:54,572 You're not the same young man I raised. 420 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,774 Well, sure, I am, Mama! 421 00:17:56,776 --> 00:18:00,278 I still can't stand illegal immigrants 422 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,280 or liberals or women in uniform, 423 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,082 except for nurses. ( chuckles ) 424 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:06,250 I'm proud of you for not including gay people. 425 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,286 Oh, and gay people. 426 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,621 Thanks for reminding me, Patrick. 427 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,458 You're one of the good ones. 428 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,326 You see, Mama? 429 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:18,529 I'm still the same boy I always was. 430 00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,367 Gimme a hug. 431 00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:24,836 ( laughs ) 432 00:18:24,838 --> 00:18:27,238 Aw, so much hate. 433 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,842 And, thankfully, so little time. 434 00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,249 Hey, guys. 435 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,851 I just wanna say that I'm really sorry 436 00:18:39,853 --> 00:18:41,486 that I lost it in front of everybody. 437 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,855 Yeah, it was pretty upsetting. 438 00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:47,358 I mean, not like if your dad abandoned you for 20 years, 439 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,461 but still pretty upsetting. 440 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:54,232 Yeah, something like that'd be a real bummer. 441 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,134 You did that to me. 442 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,768 How can you not understand that? 443 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,370 You stupid pothead. 444 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,340 - Let it all out, Nol... - I will! 445 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:05,409 In second grade, on Bring Your Father to School Day, 446 00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,445 I brought a picture of Harrison Ford! 447 00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:10,748 Everybody loved me. And I was a liar. 448 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:14,152 ...and then in high school, Mom was the only one there to teach me how to shave. 449 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:17,522 I was 20 before I realized I didn't have to do my armpits! 450 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,160 ...and in fourth grade, Joey DeLoy told me 451 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,462 that my wiener had an eye and it could see everything 452 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,565 and it was storing information in the brains under the neck. 453 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,800 ( Screaming ) I didn't know what the hell was going on down there! 454 00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:33,771 ( Crying ) That's all I got. 455 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,709 Dude, I'm sorry. 456 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:41,179 Listen, I have a few baseballs laying around. 457 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:42,813 You guys should play some catch. 458 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,416 I don't know. I'm a little wasted. 459 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,185 Well, try anyway. 460 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,754 It'd be like a stoner "Field of Dreams." 461 00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,856 Actually, "Field of Dreams" 462 00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:54,592 was like a stoner "Field of Dreams." 463 00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,830 - How you feeling? - How do you think I'm feeling? 464 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:02,433 I just found out that my mom had sex with the guy I was dating. 465 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,503 Lacey, think about it... 466 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,506 after what she did, she can never call you a whore again. 467 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,609 - I guess you're right. - Based on the latest studies, 468 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,578 when a mother and daughter stop calling each other whore, 469 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:16,514 that's when the healing begins. 470 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,549 I guess it goes back to that old saying, 471 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:22,220 "A sleeping bear is just a pillow if you don't wake it up." 472 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,589 What does that mean? 473 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,425 I don't know. I might be a little high. 474 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,493 I was out there for a while. 475 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:33,397 I don't know. 476 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,233 I mean, we both got in the car to go 477 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:37,802 and it must've just slipped out of gear. 478 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,773 $20. It's all it would've cost you. $20. 479 00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:51,315 - Dad, I am not gonna... - No, no. No. Wait. 480 00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:54,719 Before you say anything, my bad on the car, the money, 481 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:57,421 and for slandering you in front of the group. 482 00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:59,457 - What's the catch? - You've been terrific. 483 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:02,994 And you're right. All I seem to ever do is take. 484 00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:04,562 But the next time you see me, 485 00:21:04,564 --> 00:21:06,364 I'm gonna bring something to the party. 486 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:09,433 Well, thanks, Dad. I appreciate that. 487 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,736 I just need a car to get to the party 488 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,605 and some money to buy the thing I'm bringing. 489 00:21:15,907 --> 00:21:17,608 I am a shy man. 490 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,277 And reserved. 491 00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:21,045 But I am going to beat you with this giant spoon. 492 00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,313 Oh, no, no, no!