1
00:00:01,677 --> 00:00:02,950
Okay. Nolan's here.
2
00:00:02,977 --> 00:00:04,721
I want to screw with
him. Just... go with me.
3
00:00:04,785 --> 00:00:05,884
Okay?
4
00:00:07,285 --> 00:00:08,369
Hey, guys!
5
00:00:08,453 --> 00:00:10,621
Hey, uh, Nolan, what day is it?
6
00:00:10,672 --> 00:00:11,956
It's Tuesday.
7
00:00:12,007 --> 00:00:14,258
No, it's Thursday.
8
00:00:14,292 --> 00:00:17,044
You've been asleep for three days.
9
00:00:17,129 --> 00:00:19,346
Yeah, that happens sometimes.
10
00:00:19,431 --> 00:00:22,633
Anyway, I got some good news!
11
00:00:22,684 --> 00:00:24,802
I was selected completely at random
12
00:00:24,886 --> 00:00:26,220
to get a free iPhone.
13
00:00:26,304 --> 00:00:28,639
- How random is that?
- Oh, my God, so random.
14
00:00:28,723 --> 00:00:30,691
It's like, hello, random.
15
00:00:30,775 --> 00:00:32,810
I fought for this country for nothing.
16
00:00:34,613 --> 00:00:37,314
Oh, wait a minute. A
free iPhone? I want one.
17
00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:39,283
Sorry, it's some sort
of marketing promotion.
18
00:00:39,317 --> 00:00:41,952
You have to have a special invitation
to pick it up at this hotel.
19
00:00:41,987 --> 00:00:43,954
I have one and you don't.
20
00:00:43,989 --> 00:00:45,706
What are you gonna do about it?
21
00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:46,790
Take it back.
22
00:00:49,077 --> 00:00:50,161
I'm not a good bully.
23
00:00:50,212 --> 00:00:52,046
I'm more of a
talk-behind-your-back-
24
00:00:52,130 --> 00:00:55,166
and-ruin-your-reputation
kind of a guy.
25
00:00:55,217 --> 00:00:58,085
What's to stop us from copying this thing
26
00:00:58,170 --> 00:00:59,837
and getting our own free phones?
27
00:00:59,888 --> 00:01:02,640
- Ethics.
- Oh, yeah, says the alcoholic
28
00:01:02,674 --> 00:01:04,008
who puts booze in his soda can.
29
00:01:04,092 --> 00:01:07,011
That doesn't make me an alcoholic.
30
00:01:07,062 --> 00:01:09,847
I put Captain Morgan in here.
31
00:01:09,898 --> 00:01:11,899
That makes me...
32
00:01:11,983 --> 00:01:13,817
a pirate.
33
00:01:16,071 --> 00:01:17,821
Get your foot off my table, Captain Morgan.
34
00:01:19,241 --> 00:01:21,025
What took you so long?
35
00:01:21,109 --> 00:01:23,244
Sorry, I've been trying to
convince the prison board
36
00:01:23,328 --> 00:01:26,030
to give me back my therapy group.
37
00:01:26,081 --> 00:01:28,365
I've got five guys in there
that really need my help.
38
00:01:28,450 --> 00:01:30,868
But the new warden just shut us down.
39
00:01:30,952 --> 00:01:32,870
Well, you must be really pissed.
40
00:01:32,921 --> 00:01:35,372
Well, I was. But I've been
using the same anger tools
41
00:01:35,457 --> 00:01:37,041
that I teach you guys to stay calm,
42
00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:40,044
so I'm okay now.
43
00:01:40,128 --> 00:01:41,545
Anybody want a walnut?
44
00:01:41,596 --> 00:01:43,047
No? Just me? Okay.
45
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,222
So, you're in control.
46
00:01:51,273 --> 00:01:53,807
Maybe walnuts won't do it.
47
00:01:53,892 --> 00:01:56,777
Coconut, anyone?
48
00:01:56,861 --> 00:01:59,563
Are you close enough with the
warden to make a personal appeal?
49
00:01:59,614 --> 00:02:01,232
I mean, what's your relationship like?
50
00:02:01,283 --> 00:02:03,984
Our relationship?
51
00:02:04,069 --> 00:02:06,287
You know, you are a lot
friendlier than the old warden.
52
00:02:06,371 --> 00:02:08,322
I only had lunch with that guy.
53
00:02:08,406 --> 00:02:10,074
Did you just want to have lunch?
54
00:02:10,125 --> 00:02:11,909
I may have jumped the gun here.
55
00:02:11,993 --> 00:02:13,994
No, no, no, no. You're perfect.
56
00:02:14,079 --> 00:02:16,580
I just never expected a
warden to be so incredibly
57
00:02:16,665 --> 00:02:18,415
sexual and amphibious.
58
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,167
You mean "ambidextrous."
59
00:02:20,252 --> 00:02:21,835
No, amphibious.
60
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,972
The thing you did in the bathtub was crazy.
61
00:02:25,056 --> 00:02:26,840
I thought you were
gonna drown for a second.
62
00:02:29,227 --> 00:02:32,229
Yeah, I can be pretty crazy.
63
00:02:32,264 --> 00:02:35,566
All I know is, if you put half
the stuff you just did on video,
64
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:36,934
you'd be a rich woman.
65
00:02:36,985 --> 00:02:39,153
Yeah, well, it doesn't
pay as well as you think.
66
00:02:39,237 --> 00:02:42,439
Yeah... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me?
67
00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:45,192
This is between you and me.
68
00:02:45,277 --> 00:02:47,194
But, when I was in college,
69
00:02:47,279 --> 00:02:50,247
a girlfriend and I made a homemade porn
70
00:02:50,282 --> 00:02:52,783
to make money for spring break.
71
00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:55,035
Well, that's awesome.
72
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,871
Most kids just get a summer job at Quiznos.
73
00:03:01,176 --> 00:03:04,261
Our relationship was totally professional.
74
00:03:04,296 --> 00:03:06,964
But now she wants to run
for state attorney general
75
00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:08,966
and she thinks that therapy for felons
76
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:10,434
makes her look soft on crime.
77
00:03:10,468 --> 00:03:13,053
Anyway, I feel awful.
I'm not looking forward
78
00:03:13,138 --> 00:03:15,055
to telling theses prisoners
that their group is gone.
79
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:17,858
I don't know. You're pretty
good with women, Charlie.
80
00:03:17,942 --> 00:03:20,861
Maybe if you get her into
bed she'll change her mind.
81
00:03:20,945 --> 00:03:23,781
And by bed, I mean, you know, sex.
82
00:03:26,401 --> 00:03:30,454
Yeah, I have a real strong
feeling that's not gonna work.
83
00:03:30,488 --> 00:03:32,323
(Theme music playing)
84
00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:34,507
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
85
00:03:34,542 --> 00:03:36,493
Hey, guys. How's everybody doing today?
86
00:03:36,578 --> 00:03:38,212
I'm good, esé.
87
00:03:38,296 --> 00:03:39,663
(With accent) I got no problem.
88
00:03:39,714 --> 00:03:40,964
You got a problem with that?
89
00:03:40,999 --> 00:03:43,167
'Cause if you do, we got problem.
90
00:03:45,053 --> 00:03:47,838
Why are you talking like that?
91
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:49,473
(Speaking normally) Uh,
word on the street is,
92
00:03:49,507 --> 00:03:51,675
when you come to prison,
you have to pick a gang.
93
00:03:51,726 --> 00:03:54,094
I'm not much for Aryan tattoos,
94
00:03:54,179 --> 00:03:55,346
so, uh... (Sniffs)
95
00:03:55,397 --> 00:03:57,181
I'm pledging the Latin Kings.
96
00:03:58,566 --> 00:04:00,601
The Latin Kings?
97
00:04:00,685 --> 00:04:02,319
Dude, you're so white,
98
00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:05,489
the Latin Kings will
chop you up and snort you.
99
00:04:05,523 --> 00:04:07,191
Well, that's not true. I'll have you know
100
00:04:07,242 --> 00:04:09,243
I grew up with a Puerto Rican nanny.
101
00:04:09,327 --> 00:04:11,528
I know how those people act,
102
00:04:11,579 --> 00:04:13,197
how they think, how they talk.
103
00:04:13,248 --> 00:04:14,581
Oh, really?
104
00:04:14,666 --> 00:04:16,333
And how do those people talk?
105
00:04:16,368 --> 00:04:18,035
Like that.
106
00:04:18,119 --> 00:04:20,754
I'd consider rolling your Rs more.
107
00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:24,375
I'm going to
r-r-roll your head
108
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:27,044
down the stairs, esé.
109
00:04:27,095 --> 00:04:29,880
See, that was perfect.
110
00:04:32,717 --> 00:04:34,935
It's probably a good time
to change the subject.
111
00:04:35,019 --> 00:04:37,721
Guys, I got some very upsetting news.
112
00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:42,609
The warden has decided
to shut down this group.
113
00:04:42,694 --> 00:04:44,528
So this is probably our
last session together.
114
00:04:44,562 --> 00:04:46,613
- No, Charlie! She can't do that!
- But I just got here.
115
00:04:46,698 --> 00:04:48,315
Damn, Charlie!
116
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,117
This is my biggest disappointment since
117
00:04:50,201 --> 00:04:53,120
my mother turned state's
evidence against me.
118
00:04:53,204 --> 00:04:56,073
I know you're upset, Ernesto, but
you've made a lot of progress here
119
00:04:56,157 --> 00:04:58,575
and I couldn't be more proud.
120
00:04:58,660 --> 00:05:01,412
Be proud of me, Charlie.
I made progress, too.
121
00:05:01,496 --> 00:05:04,548
I used to be so dramatic
and needy. Be proud of me!
122
00:05:06,418 --> 00:05:09,636
- You've done well, too.
- Oh, that's not enough!
123
00:05:09,721 --> 00:05:11,255
You've done magnificently well.
124
00:05:11,339 --> 00:05:13,056
Ooh. Magnificent.
125
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:17,428
As a psychologist, I have a lot of sympathy
126
00:05:17,479 --> 00:05:19,596
for the fact that you're
losing this group, Charles.
127
00:05:19,647 --> 00:05:23,100
- Well, thank you.
- But since testified against me in court
128
00:05:23,151 --> 00:05:26,437
and got me thrown into this
Pepto-Bismol-colored hell hole...
129
00:05:26,521 --> 00:05:29,573
(Voice breaking) I'm really enjoying this.
130
00:05:29,607 --> 00:05:31,859
And I have a feeling that your
Mexican fraternity brothers
131
00:05:31,943 --> 00:05:33,160
are going to enjoy you, too.
132
00:05:33,244 --> 00:05:35,496
(Clears throat) Good luck.
133
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,448
Why is the warden doing
this to us, Charlie?
134
00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:40,451
She wants to run for state attorney general
135
00:05:40,535 --> 00:05:42,619
and she's a politician. They're all liars.
136
00:05:42,670 --> 00:05:44,872
I don't know how far she
thinks she's gonna get anyway.
137
00:05:44,956 --> 00:05:46,457
I mean, she was in a porn.
138
00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:48,208
I guess she figures shutting down the group
139
00:05:48,293 --> 00:05:50,294
is gonna make her look tough on
crime and she'll get more votes.
140
00:05:50,345 --> 00:05:52,880
Uh, back up. Back up,
back up, back up, back up.
141
00:05:52,964 --> 00:05:54,465
Back up! (Laughs)
142
00:05:54,549 --> 00:05:56,550
Charlie, did you just
say the warden did a porn?
143
00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:58,469
How do you know?
144
00:05:58,553 --> 00:06:01,438
Okay, she told me that she
made one a long time ago.
145
00:06:01,473 --> 00:06:04,141
- (Phone chimes)
- I didn't mean to say that, but what the hell,
146
00:06:04,225 --> 00:06:05,642
I got nothing to lose now anyway.
147
00:06:05,727 --> 00:06:07,861
Charlie, I just got a text.
148
00:06:07,946 --> 00:06:09,196
The warden wants to see you.
149
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,781
Damn, that bitch has good hearing.
150
00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:13,734
Tell her I'll be right there.
151
00:06:13,818 --> 00:06:16,153
Charlie is in aqua caliente.
152
00:06:16,204 --> 00:06:18,872
(Sighs) It's agua.
153
00:06:18,957 --> 00:06:21,825
I'm gonna cut you so bad.
154
00:06:23,211 --> 00:06:24,995
Please don't.
155
00:06:32,003 --> 00:06:35,222
- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, please sit down.
156
00:06:35,306 --> 00:06:36,807
Maybe I don't want to sit down.
157
00:06:36,841 --> 00:06:39,226
Fine. Stand there.
158
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:40,511
I think I'll have a seat.
159
00:06:42,347 --> 00:06:44,848
Look, I know you're
feeling angry and betrayed,
160
00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:46,567
which is why I called you in here.
161
00:06:46,651 --> 00:06:49,403
Because you wanted to see what
angry and betrayed looks like?
162
00:06:49,487 --> 00:06:51,939
No, because I want to
give you your group back.
163
00:06:52,023 --> 00:06:55,409
Oh! Well, then let me show
you what surprised looks like.
164
00:06:55,493 --> 00:06:56,944
Really?!
165
00:06:57,028 --> 00:06:59,830
As long as you never
repeat my little porn story
166
00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:01,281
that slipped out the other night.
167
00:07:01,366 --> 00:07:04,034
Oh, yeah. Sure.
168
00:07:04,085 --> 00:07:06,286
What's that expression?
169
00:07:06,371 --> 00:07:09,840
That's what, "Duh, why would
I ever do that?" looks like.
170
00:07:11,125 --> 00:07:13,427
You have no idea what a relief that is.
171
00:07:13,511 --> 00:07:15,429
Some people would get angry and vindictive
172
00:07:15,513 --> 00:07:16,847
and try to screw the other person.
173
00:07:16,881 --> 00:07:19,933
Well, I do hold myself
to a very high standard.
174
00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:23,136
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
should tell my group the good news.
175
00:07:23,221 --> 00:07:24,555
And some other stuff.
176
00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:32,541
Yes, I'd like to call and emergency session
177
00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:34,009
with my group in 15 minutes.
178
00:07:34,093 --> 00:07:35,460
All right, thanks.
179
00:07:35,545 --> 00:07:37,796
Hey, listen, I'm just curious,
180
00:07:37,847 --> 00:07:40,765
have you heard any gossip about
anybody here at the prison lately?
181
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,718
Me? What are they saying about me?
182
00:07:43,803 --> 00:07:46,104
No, those are not implants.
They're my real calves!
183
00:07:47,807 --> 00:07:49,057
Just get my group down.
184
00:07:50,393 --> 00:07:53,144
Yay! My fun little rumor took off.
185
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:56,314
That was you?
186
00:07:56,365 --> 00:07:58,984
Then you owe me a favor.
187
00:07:59,068 --> 00:08:02,537
Do you mind if I tell everybody
in the prison that you did a porn?
188
00:08:02,622 --> 00:08:05,574
A porn? Why would you say that?
189
00:08:06,876 --> 00:08:08,660
Look, the warden gave me back my group
190
00:08:08,711 --> 00:08:11,329
and I let it slip that she did a porn.
191
00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:14,249
So now I've got to tell everybody
I was really talking about you.
192
00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:16,668
Don't even think about it.
193
00:08:16,752 --> 00:08:19,254
Well, don't worry. It'll be
something simple, tasteful.
194
00:08:19,338 --> 00:08:21,172
Like, you doing a couple of guys by a pool.
195
00:08:22,642 --> 00:08:24,809
That is not tasteful.
196
00:08:24,844 --> 00:08:27,062
It's a really nice pool.
197
00:08:27,064 --> 00:08:28,179
It's got a waterfall.
198
00:08:29,682 --> 00:08:31,182
You are repulsive.
199
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:34,736
And you are not allowed
to tell anybody I did that.
200
00:08:34,820 --> 00:08:36,938
(Sighs) Besides,
201
00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:39,274
if I were gonna do an adult film,
202
00:08:39,358 --> 00:08:40,575
it would be in Renaissance Italy
203
00:08:40,660 --> 00:08:42,527
and I would be assistant to Michelangelo,
204
00:08:42,612 --> 00:08:44,696
who just got in a big
fight with the Pope...
205
00:08:44,747 --> 00:08:46,915
Congratulations. You just made porn dull.
206
00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:51,753
All right, I'm just gonna
be straight with the guys
207
00:08:51,837 --> 00:08:53,672
and ask them not to talk.
208
00:08:53,706 --> 00:08:55,457
They don't want to lose the group, either.
209
00:08:55,541 --> 00:08:57,842
I still can't believe the warden
would do something like that.
210
00:08:57,877 --> 00:09:01,046
Hey, we all make mistakes.
211
00:09:01,130 --> 00:09:03,431
Hers was telling me she did a porn.
212
00:09:07,353 --> 00:09:08,720
I'm a little surprised you're here, Ed.
213
00:09:08,771 --> 00:09:11,056
You don't even like smartphones.
214
00:09:11,107 --> 00:09:15,360
It's free. I'd stand in line
for cholera if it's free.
215
00:09:15,394 --> 00:09:17,479
You're such a hypocrite.
216
00:09:17,563 --> 00:09:19,814
You're always bitching about
how people are too dependent
217
00:09:19,899 --> 00:09:22,367
on their smartphones, but that's not true.
218
00:09:22,401 --> 00:09:24,703
Here, look. I just used mine for...
219
00:09:24,737 --> 00:09:26,404
Oh, my God! It's gone!
220
00:09:26,455 --> 00:09:28,707
(Gasping) My phone's
gone! I'm dead! I'm dead!
221
00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:31,543
I'm dead! Oh, my God! Oh, here it is.
222
00:09:32,962 --> 00:09:34,746
Hey, guys, we're screwed.
223
00:09:34,797 --> 00:09:37,632
Someone up there just said they
only sent out 50 invitations
224
00:09:37,717 --> 00:09:40,085
and that means there
are only 50 free phones.
225
00:09:40,169 --> 00:09:42,337
- So what?
- Well, I counted everyone in line
226
00:09:42,421 --> 00:09:43,805
and Nolan is number 50.
227
00:09:43,889 --> 00:09:45,557
Whoo! I made it!
228
00:09:48,477 --> 00:09:51,846
Hey, uh, Nolan, if you're
50, can I cut in front of you
229
00:09:51,931 --> 00:09:54,182
so that I can be 49 and then you can be 50?
230
00:09:54,266 --> 00:09:55,400
Sure.
231
00:09:56,686 --> 00:09:58,486
Whoo! I'm still in it!
232
00:10:00,656 --> 00:10:02,774
So, Lacey,
233
00:10:02,858 --> 00:10:04,609
could Ed and I move in front of you
234
00:10:04,694 --> 00:10:06,861
and be number 47 and 48?
235
00:10:06,946 --> 00:10:09,748
Fine. Oh, wait a second!
236
00:10:09,782 --> 00:10:11,366
Oh, yeah, that still works.
237
00:10:11,450 --> 00:10:12,784
Oh, this is great!
238
00:10:12,835 --> 00:10:15,120
We're all gonna get phones.
239
00:10:15,171 --> 00:10:16,955
Hey, wait a second.
240
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:18,456
You're number 50.
241
00:10:18,507 --> 00:10:20,959
That means you're the
only one that gets a phone.
242
00:10:21,010 --> 00:10:24,295
Oh, my God, you're right. I feel terrible.
243
00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:27,849
As soon as I get my free phone
I'll text you all an apology.
244
00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:31,186
Patrick, give Nolan his spot
back. You're being a jerk.
245
00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:33,188
- Thank you, Lacey.
- You're welcome.
246
00:10:33,272 --> 00:10:34,939
Uh, Nolan, for being so nice to you,
247
00:10:34,974 --> 00:10:37,225
- can I be 49 again?
- Of course!
248
00:10:41,197 --> 00:10:43,198
Thanks for coming in on
such short notice, guys.
249
00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:44,949
I appreciate that, Charlie.
250
00:10:44,984 --> 00:10:47,068
Most people don't acknowledge
our busy schedules.
251
00:10:47,153 --> 00:10:49,371
I just want to let everyone know
252
00:10:49,455 --> 00:10:51,706
that our therapy group is back in business.
253
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,159
Ooh! That is wonderful! That is wonderful!
254
00:10:54,210 --> 00:10:56,161
There's just one more thing.
255
00:10:56,245 --> 00:10:58,496
I may have said something today
256
00:10:58,547 --> 00:11:00,799
that you guys can't tell anybody.
257
00:11:00,833 --> 00:11:03,752
- What was it, Charlie?
- That thing about the warden doing a porn.
258
00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:05,670
Oh, that's right! I completely forgot.
259
00:11:05,721 --> 00:11:07,639
The warden, she did a porn!
260
00:11:07,673 --> 00:11:09,474
(Laughing)
261
00:11:09,508 --> 00:11:10,925
Thanks for reminding us.
262
00:11:11,010 --> 00:11:14,429
I knew there was something
I wanted to tell people.
263
00:11:14,513 --> 00:11:16,898
No, guys, guys, guys.
Seriously. If you tell anyone,
264
00:11:16,982 --> 00:11:19,768
the warden will know it was me and
she'll take our group away again.
265
00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:22,854
Don't worry, Charlie.
Your secret's safe with us.
266
00:11:22,938 --> 00:11:26,441
Yeah, the third worst thing in
prison you can be is a snitch,
267
00:11:26,525 --> 00:11:28,860
after child molester and cop killer.
268
00:11:28,944 --> 00:11:30,495
Killer.
269
00:11:30,529 --> 00:11:32,997
Well, thanks, guys. See you Thursday.
270
00:11:36,202 --> 00:11:38,002
Uh, you know, Charlie,
271
00:11:38,037 --> 00:11:40,038
even though you've ruined my life,
272
00:11:40,089 --> 00:11:43,007
I want you to know your
secret is safe with me, too.
273
00:11:43,042 --> 00:11:45,043
- What's the catch?
- There is no catch.
274
00:11:45,127 --> 00:11:48,213
You just have to do something for me
or I'll tell the warden everything.
275
00:11:48,297 --> 00:11:52,217
That's a catch. That's
the definition of a catch.
276
00:11:52,301 --> 00:11:54,018
I'm about to blackmail you, Charlie.
277
00:11:54,053 --> 00:11:56,054
Do you really want to quibble?
278
00:11:56,138 --> 00:11:59,607
- What do you want?
- Three simple things...
279
00:11:59,692 --> 00:12:02,644
A bag of wild almonds from Uzbekistan,
280
00:12:02,728 --> 00:12:06,397
a candle in the shape of Winston Churchill,
281
00:12:06,449 --> 00:12:08,900
and six and one half ounces
282
00:12:08,984 --> 00:12:12,237
of authentic Japanese squid ink.
283
00:12:12,321 --> 00:12:14,289
If it only comes in eight ounces, get that.
284
00:12:14,373 --> 00:12:15,907
I don't want to be unreasonable.
285
00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:19,794
What are you gonna do,
eat almonds and write
286
00:12:19,879 --> 00:12:22,547
a haiku by the light of Winston
Churchill's melting face?
287
00:12:22,581 --> 00:12:25,667
Maybe.
288
00:12:25,751 --> 00:12:28,636
You're just picking impossible
to find crap to screw with me.
289
00:12:28,721 --> 00:12:31,923
Oh, please! If I really
wanted to screw with you,
290
00:12:31,974 --> 00:12:33,675
I'd make you do this in 24 hours.
291
00:12:33,759 --> 00:12:36,177
Oh, wait! You have 24 hours.
292
00:12:43,394 --> 00:12:45,144
Good afternoon, ma'am.
293
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:48,314
Is this the line for the free phone?
294
00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:51,484
Or the Miss America pageant?
295
00:12:51,568 --> 00:12:53,069
Let me guess,
296
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,154
you're Miss Alaska.
297
00:12:55,239 --> 00:12:58,875
I'll ask ya how old you
are, but I know I'll hear 30.
298
00:13:00,711 --> 00:13:02,628
Jesus Christ.
299
00:13:04,748 --> 00:13:07,333
You mind if I stand here in line with you?
300
00:13:07,418 --> 00:13:08,968
Get the hell out of here!
301
00:13:10,471 --> 00:13:12,638
Nice to meet you.
302
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:15,058
You're 70 if you're a day.
303
00:13:19,430 --> 00:13:22,098
Any luck? They're about to
start handing out the phones.
304
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:24,267
No, nobody wants to give up their spot.
305
00:13:24,351 --> 00:13:27,270
We'll never move up in this
line by tricking these people.
306
00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:30,740
We have to panic them. I'll yell
fire and then you all scream.
307
00:13:30,774 --> 00:13:32,608
That's stupid. Nobody's gonna believe you.
308
00:13:32,659 --> 00:13:35,528
I'll start a fire and then you guys scream.
309
00:13:37,114 --> 00:13:39,248
That's much better. Here's my lighter.
310
00:13:39,283 --> 00:13:42,251
Shame on you. You know
when you do bad things,
311
00:13:42,286 --> 00:13:43,619
bad things happen to you.
312
00:13:45,289 --> 00:13:47,790
- Are you Nolan Johnson?
- Yes, I am.
313
00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:49,625
Okay, that's 50!
314
00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:51,461
Everyone, this is a sting!
315
00:13:51,545 --> 00:13:53,763
Anyone with a flier, you're under arrest
316
00:13:53,797 --> 00:13:55,515
for unpaid parking tickets.
317
00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:58,885
(All groaning)
318
00:13:58,969 --> 00:14:01,604
Boy, this free phone better be worth it.
319
00:14:01,638 --> 00:14:03,389
Let's go.
320
00:14:06,643 --> 00:14:08,478
- Oh, yes. Can I help you?
- Yeah, hi.
321
00:14:08,529 --> 00:14:10,646
I'm the guy that called about
the Winston Churchill candle.
322
00:14:10,697 --> 00:14:12,231
Oh, yes. It's right here.
323
00:14:12,316 --> 00:14:13,866
Oh, great. How much is it?
324
00:14:13,951 --> 00:14:15,868
Oh, it's not for sale.
325
00:14:15,953 --> 00:14:18,070
But when I called, you
told me that you had one.
326
00:14:18,155 --> 00:14:19,989
I do have one. It's right here.
327
00:14:21,408 --> 00:14:24,327
But you never asked if it was for sale.
328
00:14:24,411 --> 00:14:26,996
Why would I call about the
candle if I didn't want to buy it?
329
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,215
People get lonely.
330
00:14:29,299 --> 00:14:31,334
They call because they want
to talk to other people.
331
00:14:31,418 --> 00:14:33,636
I don't know. I don't judge.
332
00:14:33,670 --> 00:14:36,506
How about this Pippa Middleton oven mitt?
333
00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:39,509
- I need that candle!
- You haven't even looked at it.
334
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,811
She's bending over.
335
00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:43,896
Okay.
336
00:14:43,981 --> 00:14:45,148
I'll take it.
337
00:14:47,351 --> 00:14:48,601
But you don't understand,
338
00:14:48,685 --> 00:14:50,736
I've got the nuts. I've got the ink.
339
00:14:50,821 --> 00:14:52,188
All I need now is Winston Churchill!
340
00:14:52,272 --> 00:14:55,775
That's some drug-induced
scavenger hunt you're on.
341
00:14:55,859 --> 00:14:59,245
This is a priceless family heirloom
342
00:14:59,329 --> 00:15:01,864
My father carved this
on the beach at Normandy.
343
00:15:05,285 --> 00:15:07,954
It's got a sticker on it
that says "Made in China."
344
00:15:08,038 --> 00:15:09,622
It does?
345
00:15:09,706 --> 00:15:12,291
Oh, well, maybe he carved
it on a beach in China.
346
00:15:12,376 --> 00:15:14,594
Either way, there was a war on.
347
00:15:14,678 --> 00:15:17,380
Look, your father didn't make this.
348
00:15:17,431 --> 00:15:18,965
- How much you want for it?
- 500.
349
00:15:19,049 --> 00:15:21,217
- I'll give you 100.
- Seriously? I'll take it.
350
00:15:24,221 --> 00:15:26,055
Why didn't you just ask
for that in the first place?
351
00:15:26,106 --> 00:15:29,058
People get lonely. They
want to talk to other people.
352
00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:30,776
So, tell me, where are you from?
353
00:15:30,861 --> 00:15:32,395
Sorry, dude, I gotta go.
354
00:15:33,647 --> 00:15:35,815
Good-bye.
355
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,626
So, Nolan, we felt really bad
about you getting arrested,
356
00:15:46,710 --> 00:15:48,494
so we got you something.
357
00:15:50,631 --> 00:15:52,915
Oh, my God! A new phone?
358
00:15:52,966 --> 00:15:55,501
Aw, thank you so much! (Laughs)
359
00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:57,753
You even had it engraved?
360
00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:01,924
"Help! My name is Chang Foo.
361
00:16:01,975 --> 00:16:04,427
I'm 14 years old. I'm forced to make phones
362
00:16:04,511 --> 00:16:06,896
all day in dark factory with no toilet."
363
00:16:08,649 --> 00:16:10,266
Oh, my God, you guys.
364
00:16:10,350 --> 00:16:11,817
That is so beautiful.
365
00:16:15,188 --> 00:16:17,106
Thanks. I wrote that.
366
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:23,663
Sorry I'm late, guys.
367
00:16:23,747 --> 00:16:25,448
It's been a crazy morning.
368
00:16:25,532 --> 00:16:28,951
You lose your car keys under
a pile of strippers again?
369
00:16:30,537 --> 00:16:31,954
It's not a pile of strippers.
370
00:16:32,039 --> 00:16:34,924
The correct term is a gaggle of strippers.
371
00:16:34,958 --> 00:16:36,425
But that's not the crazy part.
372
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:38,461
I've been running all over town
373
00:16:38,512 --> 00:16:40,463
picking up Uzbeki wild almonds,
374
00:16:40,514 --> 00:16:41,931
Japanese squid ink,
375
00:16:41,965 --> 00:16:44,634
and a candle shaped like Winston Churchill.
376
00:16:44,685 --> 00:16:47,353
I thought it was a pride of strippers.
377
00:16:47,437 --> 00:16:50,606
No, it's a pride of hookers,
a gaggle of strippers,
378
00:16:50,641 --> 00:16:53,476
and a swarm of MILFs.
379
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,645
What do you need all
that stuff for, Charlie?
380
00:16:55,729 --> 00:16:57,647
Are you escaping from prison?
381
00:16:58,982 --> 00:17:00,900
What?
382
00:17:00,984 --> 00:17:02,652
Why would you say that?
383
00:17:02,736 --> 00:17:05,488
Well, you could use the
cyanide from the wild almonds
384
00:17:05,539 --> 00:17:08,658
to enter a coma-like trance to
get into the prison hospital.
385
00:17:08,742 --> 00:17:11,994
The wax from the candle is to
mold a key to get out of your room.
386
00:17:12,045 --> 00:17:15,998
Then all you have to do is waltz out the
front door in your prison chaplain uniform
387
00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:19,168
which you sewed from your bed sheets
and dyed black with the squid ink.
388
00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:23,639
Oh, my God!
389
00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:25,591
That's exactly what he's doing.
390
00:17:25,676 --> 00:17:26,642
How did you put that together?
391
00:17:28,145 --> 00:17:29,178
Put what together?
392
00:17:32,015 --> 00:17:33,516
I gotta get that stuff back from him.
393
00:17:33,567 --> 00:17:35,318
All right, you guys stay here
394
00:17:35,352 --> 00:17:38,154
and have Nolan explain
the world economy to you.
395
00:17:39,523 --> 00:17:40,990
We have vastly underestimated that man.
396
00:17:51,214 --> 00:17:53,048
See? He's in a fake coma.
397
00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:54,466
He's halfway through his plan to escape.
398
00:17:54,517 --> 00:17:57,469
How did you put it together
that he was gonna use the almonds
399
00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:00,522
for cyanide and a Winston
Churchill candle to mold a key?
400
00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:03,309
Oh, Jordan, you're so naive.
401
00:18:03,393 --> 00:18:05,277
How could you not put that together?
402
00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:10,282
All right, Randy, wake up. It's over.
403
00:18:10,317 --> 00:18:13,535
You're going back to
your cell. Randy, wake up!
404
00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:14,987
Game's over, you son of a bitch!
405
00:18:15,038 --> 00:18:16,989
Wake up! Randy!
406
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,324
What the hell are you doing?!
407
00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:20,709
- That man's in a coma.
- No, he's not.
408
00:18:20,794 --> 00:18:24,496
He's hiding a key he made out
of Winston Churchill in his ass.
409
00:18:24,547 --> 00:18:26,999
Orderly!
410
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:28,801
He's gonna wake up any second. Watch.
411
00:18:30,253 --> 00:18:31,670
Stop it!
412
00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:33,839
You're shaking a man who
was almost stabbed to death
413
00:18:33,890 --> 00:18:35,424
by his cellmate over some almonds.
414
00:18:35,508 --> 00:18:37,309
No he wasn't. It's a trick.
415
00:18:37,344 --> 00:18:39,895
You'll have to excuse
him. We think he's having
416
00:18:39,979 --> 00:18:42,431
an adverse reaction to his calf implants.
417
00:18:42,515 --> 00:18:45,234
No, no, no. It's true.
418
00:18:45,318 --> 00:18:47,853
If he'd been stabbed, he'd
be covered in stab wounds.
419
00:18:50,857 --> 00:18:51,990
Wow.
420
00:18:52,025 --> 00:18:53,859
That's a lot of stab wounds.
421
00:18:56,746 --> 00:18:59,748
Got it. Thank you. Good news.
422
00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,950
Just found out they're
transferring Dr. Randy
423
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:03,535
to a hospital in a different prison.
424
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,254
And by the way, I was right.
425
00:19:05,338 --> 00:19:07,373
They found a wax key in his underwear.
426
00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:10,759
Apparently it took Churchill
all night to tunnel out.
427
00:19:10,844 --> 00:19:13,095
Well, it's like my
grandpappy used to say...
428
00:19:13,179 --> 00:19:15,714
Really?! You have a countryism for this?
429
00:19:15,765 --> 00:19:18,133
Yes, I do.
430
00:19:18,218 --> 00:19:21,387
If a possum has your brownies,
431
00:19:21,471 --> 00:19:23,722
don't ask if he's sleeping or dead,
432
00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:26,692
just get your brownies back and walk away.
433
00:19:28,061 --> 00:19:30,112
Your grandpappy drank a lot.
434
00:19:30,196 --> 00:19:32,281
Oh, yeah.
435
00:19:32,365 --> 00:19:35,567
He saw possums and brownies everywhere.
436
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:37,736
Charlie!
437
00:19:37,821 --> 00:19:40,906
You never told me Ernesto's
middle name is Sylvia.
438
00:19:40,957 --> 00:19:42,658
These are private files, Cleo.
439
00:19:42,742 --> 00:19:44,993
You're not supposed to be looking at 'em.
440
00:19:45,078 --> 00:19:47,329
But I didn't know that
either. That's really weird.
441
00:19:49,215 --> 00:19:51,250
Excuse me, Goodson.
442
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:53,469
- Can I talk to you in private for a minute?
- Sure.
443
00:19:58,842 --> 00:20:01,593
I just wanted to say, I'm sorry
about your patient, Dr. Randy.
444
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,729
Thank you. It was a shock to all of us.
445
00:20:03,763 --> 00:20:07,566
Although I did hear you shook
and slapped him repeatedly.
446
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,151
I did. Yes, I did.
447
00:20:09,235 --> 00:20:11,487
I was just so grief-stricken.
448
00:20:11,571 --> 00:20:14,106
Not sure if you know, but "grief-stricken"
449
00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:16,775
comes from the German, "greifstracken,"
450
00:20:16,826 --> 00:20:20,112
which means to grieve violently.
451
00:20:22,198 --> 00:20:25,451
Well, look, it's been a bit
of a rough week for both of us.
452
00:20:25,502 --> 00:20:27,669
But I thought maybe we could start over.
453
00:20:27,754 --> 00:20:29,705
Would you be interested in...
454
00:20:29,789 --> 00:20:31,874
what's the German word for it...
455
00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:33,542
"resumen-der-boinken"?
456
00:20:34,844 --> 00:20:36,462
Ja. Das ist gut.
457
00:20:38,097 --> 00:20:39,381
Sorry to interrupt.
458
00:20:39,466 --> 00:20:40,849
Someone from the infirmary
just dropped this off.
459
00:20:40,934 --> 00:20:43,719
I guess Dr. Randy woke up from his coma,
460
00:20:43,803 --> 00:20:45,471
wrote this note, and then
slipped back into unconsciousness.
461
00:20:47,891 --> 00:20:50,776
"The warden wasn't born."
What does that mean?
462
00:20:50,810 --> 00:20:53,278
"The warden wasn't born."
That doesn't make any sense.
463
00:20:53,313 --> 00:20:56,398
No, no, no, no! That says
"The warden was in porn."
464
00:20:56,483 --> 00:20:58,951
He lost a lot of blood.
His P's upside-down.
465
00:20:58,985 --> 00:21:00,702
Ahem.
466
00:21:00,787 --> 00:21:04,823
No, it says "The warden wasn't born."
467
00:21:06,876 --> 00:21:08,327
Cleo, go back to filing.
468
00:21:09,712 --> 00:21:11,997
- You bastard!
- No, no, no, no!
469
00:21:12,081 --> 00:21:14,466
It says "Jordan."
470
00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:16,468
"Jordan was in porn."
471
00:21:16,503 --> 00:21:18,003
Right, Jordan?
472
00:21:18,087 --> 00:21:20,339
Tell her about the time
you had sex with the Pope.
473
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:33,351
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com