We have had a very productive day today so far.
I am feeling really good about it! [sighs]
Okay, Patrick. You haven't spoken yet.
I am super excited to hear what you have to say.
Well... I finally met Andy's parents the other night
and I really do not like his mom.
She is this super positive,
overly perky little blonde who...
You know what? I think I'm just going to wait for Charlie
when he gets back next week and tell him.
Well, actually, Charlie is barred from practicing
until the week after, so you should tell me.
Come on. You can do it!
No, I really can't.
I don't understand why Charlie's not allowed to help us with our anger.
I mean, all he did was firebomb a garbage truck.
Well, Lacey when you firebomb a garbage truck,
you get a suspension and a hefty fine.
A hefty fine? Garbage, hefty... nothing?
Oh, my God, I will be so glad when Charlie is back.
Glad... it's also a garbage bag.
- I don't get it. - I am playing your game, woman!
- Nolan: Hey, Charlie. - Sorry, not allowed to talk.
Just going to grab a snack before I head out.
- Gotta get to anger therapy. - If the court's making you go,
why don't you just join your own group, give yourself some advice,
and go back to bed?
Nolan, that's ridiculous.
And I already suggested that but the judge said no.
If you've got to go to anger therapy,
here's something I've learned to make the most of it...
show up a little bit drunk.
I would love to, Ed, but I made the mistake
of showing up sober the first time
and now the therapist knows the difference.
- All right, carry on. - Thank you.
Now, Ed, it says here in Charlie's notes that you've
been, "A little crabby lately because of your hemorrhoids,
DNMIG." What does that stand for?
- "Do not mention in group." - Oh. Sorry.
No problem. I reiterate, I'm little bit drunk.
Nolan, what about you?
You just been sitting there like lazy little ferret.
That's so much cuter than what I was thinking.
Actually, everything's great in "Ferret Land."
Got an awesome new girlfriend. Told her all about you.
- And she wants to get together with everybody. - Fun!
- Not you. - Not me.
So why don't you tell us about her?
- Well, she's a behavioral psychologist. - I think you're saying that wrong.
It's pronounced, "homeless Dumpster woman."
No, she really is a behavioral psychologist.
Nolan, honey.
Don't take this the wrong way, but why the hell
would any kind of scientist want to date you?
I mean, that would be like me dating a rock.
- Again, no offense. - Come on, guys.
People from wildly different backgrounds can be attracted to each other.
I mean, look at me, I've got a Ph.D.
and once I slept with a man who only had a master's.
Oh, come on! That was way better than the "hefty" joke.
I don't know how y'all stand this.
I'm half in the bag and I want to taste the business end of a shotgun.
- Oh, you're still here. - Yup, about to leave.
- So, how did it go with the group? - Good.
You know, despite their squabbling, I really get the sense
that they'd like to spend some quality time with each other...
- doing something terrible to me. - No, no, no, come on.
It just feels that way because it's, you know, true.
Doesn't your anger therapy start at 5:00?
- You're gonna be late. - So you're saying I'm
going to miss a few minutes of people talking about their anger?
Oh, no. Wherever will I find that again?
Such a waste of my time.
What are you saying? That you don't need to get your anger under control?
You firebombed a garbage truck.
Bombing that truck was just a momentary lapse of judgment.
It was also, in the words of Jerry across the street, "Bitchin'!"
Oh, my God, you are in so much denial.
- I'm really worried about you. - Jordan, it was one incident.
Save for that, the last three years have been firebomb-free.
And what happened the year before that?
Another incident.
The settlement precludes me from discussing it.
Look, I've been through anger therapy with a very good therapist
and I got all this under control.
- How did your cell phone break last week? - I told you, I dropped it.
Oh, I didn't realize that things could drop horizontally
90 miles an hour against a wall.
I can still throw the heat, can't I?
[sighs]
Okay. Now I'm going to open up this next question to the whole group.
- What color is anger? - "What color is anger?"
Is "Oh, my God, I'd rather take a bath with a hair dryer
than listen to this putz" a color?
Charlie, now I realize you're a therapist
and you think you know all of this,
but if you practiced it, you probably wouldn't be here.
I'm sorry, Dr. Woo.
From now on, I'll be hanging on your every word.
Or from a pipe in the basement. Give me a rope.
No, this is good. Because Charlie is making fun of me.
Now, do I get mad? No.
Do I yell? No.
But do I channel all that negative energy
into requiring Charlie to attend an extra week
of anger therapy? Yes.
Wait a minute. That voice...
were you that little raccoon in "Kung Fu Panda"?
I'm just kidding. That was Dustin Hoffman.
- Wait, are you Dustin Hoffman? - Thankfully, we're out of time.
Oh, by the way, the correct answer is
anger can be any color you're thinking of
when you're feeling angry.
Wow. Who would have thought the answer
would be stupider than the question?
- Oh, hey, it's Jane, right? - Yeah.
- You wanna go grab some coffee? - Uh, I don't know if that's a good idea.
I'm in here because I slapped a barista.
Okay. You want to go get a drink?
I mean, unless you throat-punched a cocktail waitress or something.
I'm just trying to break my pattern of dating guys with anger issues.
All they do is support my bad instincts to go off on people.
Yeah, look, my anger issues are under control. I'm only in here
because I was defending myself against a crazed garbage man.
You know, that old story.
So you really don't have any anger issues.
Well, I did, I did, but I've overcome them.
And I swear,
if I get angry about anything at all, then it's game over.
But that's not gonna happen.
You know, Charlie, I've been giving it some consideration
and I've decided that you need two extra weeks of therapy.
Two weeks? But I gotta get back to my patients.
I think I might be doing them a favor. I mean, if the way you act
in my group is any indication of the way you are as a therapist,
- well, you suck. - Oh, yeah?
Well, I'd like to take you outside and...
thank you personally for your honest assessment of my abilities.
Hell, I'll just do it here. Thank you.
2x71 - Charlie and the Temper of Doom
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
File this, please. I've got to go fix my hair.
My boyfriend's going to be here any second.
Ooh, girl, you should go to Johnny Mack in cell block D.
Johnny used to be a hairdresser.
He's responsible for this fine 'do.
And a massacre at a convenience store in Connecticut.
Thanks. I have a comb.
T.G.I.F., am I right?
Good afternoon. I'm looking for a Mr. Charlie Goodson.
Oh, he's not here. May I tell him who's calling?
I'm Mr. Ventura from the American Psychological Association.
Ooh, fancy pants. Can I tell him what this is about?
Yes, I wanted to have a word with him.
I was here for a parole hearing this morning
and was hoping to avoid driving out to his house.
Okay, let me get this down.
"Mr. Ventura from APA don't like to drive."
Let him know that I will be at his home promptly at 9 A.M.
Monday morning to discuss a probationary issue
related to his latest anger incident.
Mm-hmm. "Issue, incident, sweet butt."
Okay, got it. You may leave now.
Shoo! Shoo! Use your shoes and walk away.
Excuse me. What can I do for you, Mr. Tasty Morsel?
- Hey, is Jordan here? - She's off making herself pretty for you.
I see you've already done that for me.
Oh, my God, is this how women feel when I hit on them?
'Cause you just made me feel pretty special.
- Hey, Sean. - Hey.
[smooches] Any messages?
Oh, yes, a very important one.
You should have gone to Johnny Mack. Ooh, that's crispy.
- If I was in prison, I'd do very well. - It's prison.
Anything that stands still for more than a second does well.
Before we go, I have to ask you a favor.
You know how Charlie firebombed a garbage truck?
Yeah, I read about it on Jerry's blog. Apparently, it was bitchin'.
Something like that is going to happen again
and when it does, they're gonna throw Charlie in jail.
No, they're not.
What he did was completely justified. It wasn't even that big of a deal.
What do you want me to do about it?
I want you to get Charlie so angry that he loses it.
This way, he can't say the garbage truck was an isolated incident.
Are you insane? I don't want to make him mad.
- Dude sets trucks on fire. - Sean, Charlie is your best friend,
if something happens to him after you've had the chance to help him,
you're going to blame yourself.
All right. Fine. I don't know when I'm going to do it.
He has a date tonight, I don't want to mess that up. That'll just piss him off.
Well, that's true. Since we're trying to make him angry,
we really wouldn't want to piss him off.
I have an idea. How about we do it tonight?
- Thank you. - You handled that very well.
What was I going to do, go all Gordon Ramsay on her
because my lasagna had a tiny paper clip in it?
That's what I would've done, yeah.
No, no, you'd have done what I just did.
You'd have written a little note saying,
"Please stop doing paperwork in the kitchen,"
then attached it to the garlic bread with the paper clip and sent it back.
- Charlie. Hey, man. - Sean, what are you doing here?
Just grabbing a drink. Who's this?
Oh, this is Jane. Jane, this my buddy Sean.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Do you mind? - A little.
Wow. What a pleasure to meet you. You are beautiful.
You really undersold her saying she was "average-looking".
He's just joking. We screw around with each other a lot.
No, we don't.
So what are you guys... you celebrating?
Did Charlie tell you he's finally allowed to donate blood again?
Doubled his income. Doubled it.
Look, I don't know what you're on right now,
but we should get you home before you masturbate in a church again.
Our Lady of Tears, indeed.
How fast do you think you can wrap this up so you and I can get outta here?
Five, 10 minutes?
I mean, without being rude.
Sean, how about you and I take a little walk
to the bar and reinforce our friendship?
Charlie, can't you see that I am on a date?
Okay, let's go. Fun friend walk.
Ow, ow, ow. That's... that hurts my arm.
Charlie, that hurts my arm. Ow!
- What the hell are you doing? - Just chill, all right?
Jordan just wanted me to prove that you can't control your anger
so maybe you would take therapy a little more seriously.
Why would you go along with that?
I need bonus points, all right? I...
It gets me out of doing the sappy couple's stuff.
Like going to the Botanical Gardens.
Oh, well, if you do have to go, make sure you check out
the Japanese Tea Garden in the back.
Why do you know that?
When I was married, I messed up a lot. I practically lived in that garden.
Well, if it isn't ugly and stupid and Sean.
- Did Jordan ask you to say that? - No.
- Did she pay you to say that? - Yeah.
$50, dick.
I just made another 10.
So did Jordan hire anybody else to get me angry?
I don't know,
but she seemed pretty set on proving that you have a problem.
Hey, dork.
- How much she paying you? - 20 bucks.
- Cool, thank you. - No problem.
So you never told me why you slapped that barista.
Because she gave me the worst cup of coffee I ever had.
Eh, let's have juice instead.
It's okay, Charlie. You didn't write "Ho" on the side of my cup.
Let me see this.
Oh, good, good. It's not one of my Christmas mugs.
[doorbell rings]
I'll be right back.
[doorbell rings] Coming.
Uh, hi. Can I help you?
- Charlie Goodson? - That's right.
I'm Mr. Ventura from the American Psychological Association.
I'm here to discuss your ongoing anger problem.
Oh, really? Clearly a little more thought went into this one.
And I give you credit for not just walking in and calling me a "dick".
No, we seldom do that.
- Here is my card. May I come in? - Your card. [chuckles]
Wow, you really went all out.
Reno Ventura. [chuckles] That's the stupid name you came up with?
Actually, it's the name my parents came up with.
You don't say. Is your mother's name Jordan?
No, it's Margaret.
It was Margaret. She passed a month ago.
Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, I'm not going to waste anymore time.
I'm not going to get angry. And, no offense,
but you don't look smart enough to be a psychologist.
- Excuse me? - It's not your fault,
but your eyes are really close and it gives you
a slightly inbred look.
I don't think you realize how serious this situation is.
[mocking] Oh, no. I don't realize how serious the situation is.
Sir, may I remind you, the wrong recommendation from me
and your license will be suspended.
Look, Reno Ventura "Pet Detective,"
if you don't get the hell out of here right now,
I am going to suspend you by your underwear off that balcony.
- Get your hands off me. - Then get the hell out of here!
Charlie! What are you doing?
I'm getting rid of one of your anger shills
who says he works for the APA.
Yeah, maybe the American "Pa-lease" Association.
That is Reno Ventura, the new chairman of the ethics committee.
Remember when he got elected
and you asked me, "Who's the clown that's running ethics?"
And I said, "Reno Ventura." And you said something about a pet detective?
Oh, boy. I just used that one again.
- Look, Mr. Ventura, I am so... - Don't bother, Goodson!
I came here to determine whether you were stable enough
to continue to have a practice.
I think I have my answer.
Have a nice day!
- This is all your fault. - I didn't send him here!
But you sent the others, it made me think that he was in on it, too!
I know. That's why I'm here. I came to apologize for going overboard.
- I really was just trying to help. - Well, stop helping!
Every time you try to apologize or help something bad happens to me.
What the hell's the matter with you?
Charlie? Are you angry?
No.
I'm sorry, but I don't think I can see you again.
You obviously have a problem.
I'm gonna get dressed and take off.
Have a nice day!
- I feel awful. - It's fine. It's fine.
Now if you'll excuse me, this is time of day
when I like to take my pool cues outside
and smash them against a tree.
- So you're upset? - Well, yeah.
I mean, Jordan set up these three people
to screw with me the day before.
I just assumed that the APA guy was part of it.
- I've never been so angry. - I understand.
Charlie, what color are you seeing?
You know what, Will? I'm not doing the color thing.
Got ya. It's all right. Let's try an exercise.
I want you to close your eyes and I want you to imagine yourself
somewhere where you're relaxed and happy.
A rolling river. A babbling brook.
- A calm ocean. - And how do you feel?
Good...
because I'm drowning Jordan in all of them.
It doesn't sound like your quite ready
to give up your anger towards Jordan now,
but how do you think it makes her feel?
Purple. I feel purple.
Personally, I like the color thing.
Now how do you feel about how you've made Charlie feel?
I have already said that I'm sorry.
Look, Charlie, I just got worried about you
- when you firebombed that truck. - Charlie?
- Can you forgive her? - I guess so.
I take back what I said earlier.
If you were on fire, I would spit on you.
- Thank you, Charlie. - This is wonderful.
See, I think you two can still have a positive working relationship.
If I'm allowed to work.
The guy from the APA won't even talk to me one-on-one.
He's scared to be alone with me.
- You grabbed me by the lapel of my suit! - I thought you were someone else.
- You made fun of my eyes. - I was jealous.
They're beautiful.
Mr. Ventura, how does that make you feel?
Flattered.
And after listening to Dr. Denby, I do understand the situation
and I fully accept Goodson's explanation and apology.
That's great. That's great. Thank you.
I just wish Jane would understand and agree to see me again.
Not gonna happen.
Dr. Woo told me to stay away from anyone with an anger problem.
I told you, I don't have an anger problem.
If you take away the thing happened with Ventura, firebombing,
a few smashed cell phones, some punched out dry wall...
all right, I might have an anger problem.
So you'll attend the next four or five weeks
with a new conscientious attitude?
What do you want me to say? That my anger's green?
- Fine, it's green. - Charlie, anger is never green.
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain the Hulk?
[laughing]
You know what? You are funny.
- Let's go out tonight. - Cool with me.
Suck on that color, Woo.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Okay, welcome, everyone.
As you can see, Jordan will be silently
observing our group for a few days.
So don't feel self-conscious about talking in front of her.