Well, guys, we made some good progress today.
And on top of that, we taught Ed how to leave
an outgoing message on his cell phone.
- Let me see if I got this right. - (Beeps)
Ed: Hi. This is Ed. Please leave a...
- Patrick: Talk louder. - Ed: I'm talking loud enough.
Lacey: This is boring.
Charlie: Lacey, just let him do it.
Nolan: Want me to make it sounds like you're at the beach?
Ca-caw, ca-caw.
Ed: Will you all just shut the hell up?
(beeps)
That's good enough.
All right, everybody, see you Thursday.
Hey, Charlie, I know I'm behind on my payments.
I'll have them next week.
I found this site online where you can rent out your apartment to strangers.
Nolan, is paying me really worth
leaving your apartment in the hands of some potential lunatic?
I think so.
Me, too.
If somebody else is sleeping in your house,
where are you gonna sleep?
This is not an offer.
I shouldn't have brought it up. I'll see y'all.
So where are you gonna sleep?
You know how I'm a limo driver?
I have this regular client.
A rich guy with a really nice guest house with nobody living in it.
Well, he suggested I live in my limo.
Limos are not made for living in.
They're made for flashing people right before you puke and pass out.
You can't do this, Nolan.
- Where are you gonna shower? - Not an issue.
The sub letter's only staying eight nights, so I'll be right on schedule.
I stand corrected.
And a little further back.
- Oh, hey, Jen. - Hey, Charlie.
I got great news.
I'm dating a divorce attorney.
You might recognize him from the bus stop bench up the street.
He sleeps on a bench?
No, that's where his ad is.
But you can't see it because there's usually somebody sleeping in front of it.
Well, congrats. That is great news.
And I've got even better news.
He says you owe me a crap load of money.
Jen, we go through this every two years.
I gave you everything your lawyer asked for.
You got more money to live on every month than I do.
Well, it doesn't seem that way.
You make terrible decisions and invest in terrible businesses.
Remember Share-a-keet?
Hey, there's a big market for people who don't want the burden
of caring for a parakeet full time.
Yeah, but the birds got so stressed out moving from house to house,
they tried to kill themselves by banging their heads against their little mirrors.
Look, Charlie, say whatever you want,
but my lawyer boyfriend thinks you have more money than you let on.
And you're gonna trust this guy?
I've seen his picture on that bench.
He's wearing a crown and giving a thumbs-up.
Whatever.
And by the way, that business would've worked.
I just picked the wrong animal.
- It should've been Share-a-dog. - Yeah, that would've been much better.
Hey, son, you know that puppy that you love so much?
Well, the month's up. Time to give him back to the Johnsons.
Hey, if you stop crying, I'll give you a suicidal parakeet.
S02E73 "Charlie and Sean's Twisted Sister"
Sync & corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
Thanks for dropping me off, Sean.
I had a wonderful time last night.
Yeah, it was amazing.
I told you you'd like "Frozen."
It wasn't half bad.
I mean, you know, what I saw of it from between your legs.
See you tonight.
Oh, by the way, tonight we're sexing it up to my movie... "Reservoir Dogs."
Oh, is that about dogs
who are trying to find their way home from a reservoir?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
One's missing an ear. It's a whole thing.
- Warden. - Hello, Jordan. ls Charlie here?
No, he's a little late.
Look, I know you're upset with him.
Damn right I am.
Charlie told everybody about a mistake I regretfully made when I was younger.
And now I'm going to make his life a living hell until I can get him fired.
What's the big deal?
You did a porn.
It humanizes you.
It's like in magazines
when celebrities are walking a dog
or pumping their own gas or...
Licking chocolate syrup off their best friend's boobs on the Internet?
Yeah.
"Wardens, they're just like us."
- Warden. - I just came by to tell you
we're stepping up security for all department heads
involved in prisoner psychology.
But that's just me.
Oh, then I guess you'll be the only one getting a cavity search every day.
Look, I understand that you're mad,
- but we can talk about... - Every day.
Bye, Warden. Thank you.
Wow, you're so up her butt,
if they gave her a cavity search, they'd find you.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Sean and I were talking last night
and the subject of maybe moving in together came up.
And a part of me, really wants to, give it a shot,
but Sean's just been a womanizer for so long, I'm not sure he can change.
Hey, I was a womanizer when I got married,
but my wife took a leap of faith with me.
And then you cheated on her
with a woman from every city in the country.
That is not true. I never slept with anybody in Pittsburgh.
But, God, that woman was hot.
Man, I am so ready for this week to be over.
Yeah, they still checking your tonsils
from the wrong end at security?
Yeah, and they just switched out the little guard with a big guard.
Man, I really miss that little guard.
Oh, and Jen and her lawyer boyfriend
- are digging around, for more money. - Damn.
You know, Jordan and I have been talking about her moving into my place.
When you and Jen were first living together,
did you ever think that it would end up like this?
No, no, no. When Jen and I moved in together,
I thought it was gonna last forever.
But this other girl I was seeing, she knew it was gonna go bad.
The other girls always know, don't they?
It's creepy.
Speaking of other girls,
do you see the hot brunette sitting behind you?
- She's been checking me out all night. - You should do it.
Oh, hey, if you really wanna turn her on,
you should talk about your ex-wife.
And her lawyer. And all the money stuff.
That's perfect.
Girls love baggage.
- Hey there. - Hi.
Can I buy you a drink? Unless you're an alcoholic.
- In which case, can I buy you two drinks? - (laughs)
- I'm Maggie. - Charlie.
Are you with someone or can I join you?
Please, have a seat.
Just in town on business by myself.
Let me guess, professional stunt woman.
Actually, I work for Hickory Farms.
Missed it by one.
Hey, folks, there's a white Toyota Camry
blocking the service entrance.
- Crap, that's me. Excuse me. - Sure.
As long as I have your attention, uh, I'm single again,
so if there are any men here over 45,
could you please leave
so it's easier for me to see the guys here who are between 25 and 30?
(cell phone vibrating)
Hey. How's it going with this girl?
'Cause I'm thinking of taking off.
Well, I thought it was going great
until I saw this.
"Just checking in. Did you tail him to the bar yet?
Let me know the second you dig up anything."
I'm think she's a private investigator and she's tailing me.
- Jen must've hired her. - Why would Jen do that?
She's trying to find all the money I'm hiding that I don't have.
That's why she's been staring at me all night.
I mean, I know that I'm easy on the eyes, but sometimes you gotta take a break.
(knocks on window)
Coming. Coming.
Lacey, uh, come on in.
Sorry about the mess.
I had to take a bunch of frat guys to a strip club
and I am way behind on my housework.
The guy you rented your place to is loud as hell.
He screams all night long.
Gary? Yeah, he's an actor.
He's auditioning for a role in a horror film.
I don't think he's the killer, though.
Unless he's horrified by what he's doing.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't do anything.
Well, you could stay here.
It's quiet and there's plenty of room.
I'm not gonna sleep in this limo with you.
- There's no privacy. - What are you talking about?
You can take the master bedroom
and I'll just sleep on the couch in the media room.
It's all the same room.
Fine, I'll stay.
Great.
Oh, and if you have any delicates,
I'm doing another load.
That's a champagne bucket.
Yeah, not until I pick up Mr. and Mrs. Feinstein tonight at 8:00.
They're going to the opera.
Dude, what is your problem, driving like that?
Hey, that is how you lose somebody who is tailing you, all right?
You cut across a church parking lot, double back in the alley
while they're sitting at a stoplight somewhere wondering what the hell happened.
She just parked down the street.
How did she find us?
Because she was hired by Jen, you idiot.
Jen knows where I live.
You ruined a church carnival for nothing.
I told Jen to come over. I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
How long do you think that P.I. is gonna wait out there?
For all I know, she could be there all night!
You don't have to knock. I can see you.
What's up?
- Oh, hey, Sean. - Hey, Jen.
So I hear you're seeing Jordan.
- How's that going? - Yeah, great.
I know what you're thinking, but you know what?
I've done a lot of growing up since you and I were together.
Oh, so mentally, you're, like, 12 now?
Ouch. Sizzle. Dis. Burn.
So what's going on, Charlie?
What am I doing here?
I know that your lawyer boyfriend put a lot of ideas in your head,
but having me followed by a P.I.
to find all my hidden money is way over the line.
First of all, I'm not having you followed by a P.I.
And second of all, did you just admit
that you have hidden money?
Yes, yes.
You nudge the giant spoon to the left
which spins the refrigerator around, revealing a secret stairwell
leading down to my money cellar.
What are you doing?
Nothing. It was crooked.
Don't look at me anymore.
Oh, come on, Jen, just admit it.
The P.I. is right out there in her car.
- I could just ask her. - Go right ahead.
I didn't hire anybody.
I'm not even seeing the lawyer anymore.
After I left your house, I kind of saw him in a different light.
What, you realized what a money-grubbing lowlife he is?
That and when I came home, he was wearing my stuff.
Okay, okay, fine.
But if you didn't hire the P.I., then who the hell did?
I'm gonna figure this out. I'm good at these things.
Charlie, do me a favor... put on a pot of coffee.
I'm gonna need some index cards and some Scotch tape.
Okay, who hates you right now?
Oh, crap. It's the Warden.
Thanks, Jen. You just sucked all the life out of that one.
Why would the Warden hire a P.I.?
That is the real question. This is gonna take some time.
Because she wants to catch me doing something
that will violate my contract and get me fired.
Damn it. You didn't even give me a chance.
Now I gotta figure out how to turn this on the Warden.
Yes. Now, three ways...
- Three ways. - I've got it.
Son of a bitch.
I wish I had something juicy to say,
but he's just hanging out with his neighbor.
Neighbor's cute, though.
I hired you to follow Sean. What do you got?
There's really nothing to report.
I haven't even seen Sean look at another woman.
Okay, I just really need to know
that I can trust this guy enough to move in with him.
I mean, the last guy that I moved in with was my ex-husband
and he ended up having an affair with my sister.
- Oh, my God! - Thank you.
You get it.
Gotta go.
- You scared the hell outta me. - I just wanna know
what a woman who works for Hickory Farms is doing sitting outside my house.
Unless you're going door-to-door selling cheese.
No, that's tomorrow.
I'm just mapping out my route tonight.
Do you live on this street? (gasps) Do you like sharp cheddar?
Look, I know you're a private investigator and who you work for.
I know you're not allowed to say who it is,
- but we both know. - How'd you find out?
Because I work very closely with her and she's crazy.
So here's the deal.
I want you to stop working for her and start working for me.
I can't do that. That's unethical.
I'll pay you double what she's paying you right now.
I am a P.I. It's not like I took an oath or anything.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to dig up any kind of dirt you can.
The sleazier, the better. You start tonight.
That's too bad.
I was thinking maybe we could go out,
have some drinks, see what happens.
I can't do that if I'm working for you.
That is why I want you to start tomorrow.
(knocks on window)
Oh, sure. Just sit there. I guess I'll get it.
Don't forget to ask who it is.
There's a giant window right here.
Yeah, but it's tinted.
- You can see out. - Just ask.
- It's Patrick and Ed. - Ask!
- Who is it? - Ed: Ed and Patrick.
Oh! Let 'em in!
Hey, guys. Come in. What a nice surprise.
We thought we'd drop by
and see how you guys are doing
and drop off a little house-warming present.
Patrick: It's kind of traditional.
Salt, so your life always has flavor.
Bread, so you'll never know hunger.
And motor oil because you live in a damn limo.
Ed!
And motor oil 'cause you live in a damn limo.
Lacey, we have company. Maybe you want to put something out?
I would have loved to if you hadn't eaten everything
while you were playing video games all day.
Hey, I get one day off. I want to come home and relax.
So what do you think, I don't work?
That keeping this car nice for you isn't work?!
Today, I dustbusted your old Doritos out of the upholstery.
I wasn't on vacation.
Well, thanks for having us.
- We'll be going now. - You're not going anywhere!
Nolan, why don't you run down to the store
and get our guests some snacks?
And while you're at it, why don't you grab a bottle of vodka?
There it is! There's the real reason!
What are you saying, you ass?
I'm not gonna say it in front of the company.
- Just say it. - Yes, please, please, just say it.
You drink every night!
You're damn right I do!
I live in constant fear of this car being towed
because you don't know how to read the damn parking signs.
There's confusing! They make them that way on purpose!
I'm going out. Don't wait up for me.
(door slams)
My God, it's like
"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" on wheels.
She'll be back. She always comes back.
Lacey!
So now we're doing "Streetcar."
- Hey. - Hey. So what you got?
I have tons of shots of her
stealing hundreds of dollars worth of office supplies.
Oh, that's great.
I can't wait to take this bitch down. She thinks she's so high and mighty.
Really?
She seems like a chipper little blonde to me.
No, no, no, no. Do not underestimate this woman.
She's a killer.
Seriously? Her?
Trust me, she makes me submit to a cavity search every day.
Really? Why do you put up with that?
- What else can I do? - Just say no?
I wish I could.
It's the only way she'll let me come to work.
Listen, now that you're done working for me,
maybe we can hang out together again?
Yeah, you know,
your life seems a little complicated right now.
Why don't you sort things out and then call me?
Hello, Charlie. I'm glad I caught you here.
Well, there she is. I was just about to come down to your office.
- I have something, to show you. - Me, too.
Here's your new parking pass.
I changed your spot so you could be closer...
to your house.
I can't believe I ever liked you.
- I can't believe, I ever slept with you. - Get in line, missy.
This little chess game is about to end.
I think after you see these pictures,
I'll be getting two things back...
my parking space
and the dignity of my butt.
So feast your eyes on this.
A picture of Jordan putting one of our laser printers in her car?
What?
These are all pictures of Jordan.
Yeah, and she's stealing a lot of stuff from the prison.
Boy, now I get to fire your business partner.
Thank you for this.
- Warden, how you doing? - I am awesome. You're fired.
What the hell happened?
I am still trying to figure it out.
But here's what I do know,
there's a P.I. out there
who thinks you and I are into some really freaky stuff.
- (door opens) - Nolan: Lacey, I'm home.
I'm gonna make you the best dinner you've ever...
What's going on?
I was hoping to be gone before you got back.
I'm leaving, Nolan.
Oh, come on. You're just upset 'cause we're not getting along
and we can't stand up straight or eat hot food.
I don't want to discuss it.
I left you a note in the media room.
I can't crawl past you.
- Can you just tell me what it says? - Yeah.
Well, first it says that by the time you read this,
I'll be gone, so forget that.
And then I told you that we moved in together too quickly
and it's just not gonna work out."
So you're just gonna throw away the past two and a half days because of what?
30 or 40 horribly viscous fights?
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
Look, Nolan, this might have worked out if things were different.
Like if we didn't live in a car.
But we do, so it's over.
But we did have some good times, didn't we?
Of course we did.
Like when we opened up the sunroof and looked at the stars.
Yeah.
And then that homeless guy tried to crawl in
and I thought it was a zombie attack.
But then you pepper sprayed him and he ran down the street screaming...
Both: "My eyes! My eyes!"
That was fun.
Yeah, yeah, it was.
So I guess I'm just gonna go back to my apartment.
- Are you gonna stay? - No.
Too many memories.
Did you talk to the Warden? What did she say?
I cannot believe you were actually stealing office supplies.
Look, it got outta hand. I feel terrible.
I will pay for everything. I just want my job back.
Well, you got it.
- Really? - Yes.
I found some loopholes in the system.
There's a couple of situations where you're not allowed to fire
a state employee, and you're in one of those situations.
What's the loophole?
You're a hardcore heroin addict.
- What?! - The Warden totally bought it.
She said it explains your stealing and the fact that you're
radically unbearable to be around.
That is crazy.
I just stole some stupid office supplies.
Well, you had to.
It took a lot of paperclips to pay for your ride on the white horse.
I can't believe this.
Look, none of this would've happened
if hadn't hired a P.I. to follow Sean.
I'm sorry.
All that talk of moving in together just freaked me out.
Well, here's some good news,
you can put moving in with Sean on hold and think about it some more.
Why?
Because you're gonna spend the next two weeks
in government mandated rehab.
Are you serious?
Relax, it'll be like a vacation.
You know that fancy rehab place in Malibu where all the celebrities go?
- Yeah. - Yeah, well, it's about 30 miles past that.
Oh, and if I were you, I'd cut off your hair
before somebody else does it for you.
Sync & corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com