- So I was about to get a date with this rich club promoter. - Hold on, hold on.
I think you told this story last week.
No, that was a different rich club promoter.
What about the week before that?
These are all different guys. Keep up.
I'm paying you to listen to me.
So I'm talking to this guy
and my stupid friend Skylar comes over
and hip checks me out the way with her butt implants.
Let me guess, this was at your book club?
Yeah, like there's actually a club where people sit around and read books.
Whatever. Anyways, I hate this bitch.
She's so aggressive and materialistic.
She'll sleep with anybody who has money.
So would you.
You don't understand.
She makes her dates show them a bank statement
so she can see how much money they have. It's disgusting.
You do that, too.
Yeah, I know. It is disgusting what a copycat she is.
When I asked my last date to show me a bank statement,
he told me I was "pulling a Skylar."
Not that I care what he thinks anyway
'cause he only has 30K in his bank account.
Okay, everybody, see you next Monday.
Wait a minute! Wait-- I didn't get a chance
to talk about what I wanted to talk about.
Okay, everybody, sit back down.
What's going on, Ed?
( sighs )
It's been a year since I had sex.
- No. - Everybody, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sit down.
Ed has a problem he's going to talk about
in very vague terms.
Go on, Ed.
I've been trying to work up the courage
to ask this question...
what does a guy like me
have to do to get casual sex?
Wow, wow. That's a pretty big issue, Ed.
What if we lead off with that at the next session
so we have some time to talk about it?
Until then, Ed, try putting yourself out there.
If you're at the grocery store and you see a lady,
give her a wink and a smile.
Let's see that smile.
Okay, maybe just a wink.
- Patrick, wait. - What is it?
Um, you know how Charlie's
always telling us to help each other out?
Hey, listen, I am really late. I cannot give you a ride.
Oh, no, no. It's not about that.
Oh, then what is it? I've got some time to kill.
I was thinking,
Ed really wants to get laid
and I really want to teach Skylar a lesson.
Go on.
If I tell Skylar that Ed's rich,
she'll have sex with him.
And then when she finds out that she slept with an old guy that's poor,
we'll call that "pulling a Skylar."
I would love to see that happen, Lacey.
I really would, but selling Ed as a millionaire?
His car is made out of duct tape.
Then I guess I'll just have to go back to my original plan--
Tweeting mean things about her until she develops an eating disorder.
And not the good kind. The kind where you're fat.
Okay. There you go.
Now all your videos, photos, and music are on the cloud.
So that video we made last night?
God is watching it?
Well, metaphysically speaking, He probably saw the first cut.
So I guess I don't mind Him having a copy.
I'm really happy we're back together, Charlie.
I know, I know.
And all this computer stuff you're doing for me is great.
I just wish I could do something for you.
Can I get you a glass of water or something?
No, I'm fine.
You know what? I'm gonna get you one anyway.
I don't want this hanging over my head.
- Hey, man. - Hey, Sean.
Look who's here. Monica.
- Remember Monica? - Yeah, of course.
You're Monica, the great outdoors girl, right?
Into the rock climbing and camping and--
No. I'm Monica the computer girl.
Of course you are.
That makes sense that you're not Monica
that looked like a fish and was eaten by a bear.
Did I fix that?
Yeah, like that volcano fixed Pompeii.
Okay, I'm going to go check the Internet connection upstairs.
- Nice to see you again, Sean. - Good to...
Isn't that the girl that you were dating before
that then went back to her crazy nerd boyfriend?
Yes, but she broke up with him and called me a couple of weeks ago.
I'm sorry, last time you were with her,
wasn't that the guy that was stalking you through your own television?
Yes.
But he's the crazy one, not her.
Monica's totally normal.
- Charlie, did you see your phone? - Uh, no.
Wow. You went into my phone
and changed my wallpaper without me even knowing it.
Magic.
I know. I took that picture of us while you were sleeping.
I look pretty hot, right?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you sure do. - Crazy hot.
Certifiably crazy hot.
( theme music playing )
Monica, this is incredible.
I'm watching the Bengals game live,
the picture's amazing, there's no lag, and--
I'm stealing all these games, aren't I?
Well, technically you're just borrowing them
from a kid who paid for them in Cuba.
So really you're just piggybacking off the signal.
So I'm just playing piggyback.
Well, that's not a crime. That's just adorable.
Here. I want to show you something that I just got.
Do not tell me you got that from a kid in Cuba.
No, you got it for me.
What?
You said you wanted to do something for me
for everything I've done for you,
so I hacked into your PayPal account,
got access to your credit card, and bought myself this.
From you. You like it?
Well, obviously I wouldn't have gotten it for you
if I didn't like it, right?
You're so thoughtful.
Yeah, but let's talk about
that PayPal thing for a second.
You did what, now?
I was just saving us some time.
You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ooh, I gotta get outta this. We've gotta get ready for the basketball game.
- What basketball game? - You said you wanted to take me to a game last week,
so I helped you buy us some tickets for this afternoon.
Hey, would it be okay if I got a Lakers jersey at the game later?
Sure.
I can't believe I haven't gotten you one already.
( giggles )
( crowd cheering on TV )
- Hey. - Oh, hey. You're here.
How come you never told me that you had the whole football package?
Because I didn't want you busting into my place
and watching games when I wasn't home.
Okay, well, I would never do that.
But somebody else might, which is why I am here-- to stop those dudes.
So...
I can get you the same package I got Charlie.
I can do it right now. It'll take me two seconds on my laptop.
You need, like, my account number
from the cable company or something?
( laughs ) Oh, you guys.
Okay, you know what I was saying before
about that one being crazy?
- I was wrong. - You were wrong.
She's not just crazy, she's also a criminal.
- What do you mean? - She broke into my PayPal account
and spent $3,000 on tickets to a Laker game.
- How were your seats? - Oh, they were great. They were great.
They were courtside right next to Jack-- that doesn't matter!
- I've gotta end this thing. - I don't know, man.
She seems pretty into you. How are you gonna do it?
I'm gonna have her buy herself some flowers
and a cute little teddy bear holding a card that says, "Get out!"
Can you do me a favor? Can you just wait until she's done
hooking me up with the football and hockey,
maybe next season's baseball?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is the complete invasion of my privacy
interfering with your entertainment needs?
- Sort of. - Get out.
- What, no teddy bear? - Get out.
- Hey. - Hey, what's up?
Monica, I need to talk to you about what you did
with the lingerie and the basketball tickets.
You're not upset, are you?
Well, I wouldn't say upset.
I just feel a little weird that you went into my PayPal account without me knowing it.
So I guess what I'm feeling is--
yeah, it's upset.
Well, I shouldn't be having to ask you for those things.
They should just be here.
Well, I shouldn't be having this conversation right now,
but here we are.
You think I crossed a line, I'll just put the money back into your account.
It's not just about that.
- We need to talk about our future. - I agree.
Sometimes when two people--
I just took over your identity.
- You what? - Don't freak out.
The fact that I control your money and pretty much
every other aspect of your life is going to be great for us.
Of course it is.
How again?
Because now I can reward you if you're good
and punish you if you're bad.
It's the only way I can train you to be a better boyfriend
without worrying that you'll run away.
Oh.
- You ever seen the movie "Misery"? - No.
Huh. Because I think you'd really love it.
- Hey, Lacey. - I'm a genius.
You finally figured out how to open the hood of your car?
Very funny. There's no way to do that.
I figured out how to sucker Skylar
into thinking that Ed's rich so she'll sleep with him.
Is this better than your idea of putting a top hat on him
so she'll think he's the guy from Monopoly?
Because I did not need to be woken up by that call
in the middle of the night.
Okay, he's pretending to be poor
because he's worried about gold diggers who want all the money he made
from inventing the artificial heart.
There is no one on Earth stupid enough
to sleep with Ed because they think
that hillbilly invented the artificial heart.
I finally got me some sweets between the sheets.
Ed, I'm so happy for you.
How did it happen?
Well, I was sitting at the bar and this cute little filly walks up
and starts chatting me up. I don't know what it was.
Well, you do look younger. Did you dye your ear hair?
Hey, guys.
Good news. That girl I've been eyeing for the last few months,
she finally looked at me today.
Well, that's just great for you
because Ed met a lady last night and already had sex with her.
That's great.
That doesn't make me feel bad about myself at all.
Well, I guess there's nothing left to do
besides show that bitch your bank balance,
make her realize she slept with an old guy for no reason,
and call it quits.
Now you watch your mouth. I ain't giving this gal up.
As a matter of fact, I think I'm in love.
- Lacey: Ugh. - I hate my life.
How 'bout that, Lacey?
Ed's in love and he's gonna get his heart broken.
Oh, no, wait. He'll be fine.
He can just pop in an artificial one.
Now where's Charlie?
I want to break the good news to him.
He left a note saying he went to the bank.
What do you mean I can't freeze my account?
- Somebody's trying to hijack my identity. - I'm sorry, sir.
I can't freeze anything without your wife's signature.
She's a cosigner on all your accounts.
My wife? I don't have a wife.
Oh, I see where this is going, sir.
I'm not allowed to fraternize with our customers.
I am not trying to pick you up.
I'm trying to protect my money.
I get it, sir. You have money. That's great.
But I need someone with the heart of a Bengal tiger
who can make me laugh.
Okay, look.
Can I talk to anybody else but you, please?
I'm sorry, sir.
You're going to get the same answer from anyone at this institution.
Besides, everyone's gone for the evening.
Well, what are you doing here?
I'm here in case somebody has an emergency.
Okay, okay. I have an emergency.
Trying to deny the existence of your wife
and the responsibility of your marriage is not an emergency.
You are a horrible,
horrible bank employee.
I know.
But I am a terrific mistress.
Here's my phone number.
Don't tell anyone I gave it to you.
Oh, don't worry.
Our secret will die with me.
You ever have sex in a bank vault?
No!
Actually, yes.
Twice.
Why am I still talking to you?
Sorry I'm late, Jordan. Crazy morning.
This girl I'm dating
hacked into my computer and stole my identity.
I had to buy her shoes this morning or she was gonna put my house on eBay.
With no minimum bid.
Why don't you go to the cops?
Hey, that's the first time I haven't said that mockingly
to somebody tied up in my trunk.
They said that they can't do anything.
They're already backed up with, like, 20,000 other ID theft cases
and by the time they get to mine, I'll be dead.
But still buying boots at Nordstrom.
You know what you need to do, Charlie?
Go down to cellblock H and talk to the best hacker in the world--
Vlad the Encoder.
Uh-uh. No, Charlie. You do not want to go talk to Vlad the Encoder.
That guy is messed up. I heard he ate somebody's face.
That's not true. He made a robot that ate somebody's face.
Either way, a face was eaten.
I've grown kind of attached to this.
I think I'm gonna hold off on Vlad.
Monica: Hey, Charlie. Can you hear me?
I just figured out how to get into your phone, too,
and turn it into an intercom so I can listen to everything.
It'll be like I'm in your pocket. Say something.
Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm still at the mall stopping for a pretzel.
Take me to the face-eater.
Thank you for coming with me.
When I tell Ed that I tricked Skylar into dating him,
he's gonna have a heart attack.
And I don't know CPR.
And I wouldn't put my mouth on his to save his life.
If he didn't have a heart attack from having sex with your friend,
he ain't gonna have one now.
What are you two doing here?
Not looking down.
What's with the bat? Didn't you look through the peephole?
Yes, I did.
Look, Ed, um, can we come inside?
I really need to talk to you for a minute.
All right, but make it quick.
I'm entertaining my lady friend.
- Look, Ed, there's something you need to know. - ( door closes )
That girl in your bed that you've been-- oh, God.
Having-- oh, God.
Having sex with.
Oh, God.
Okay. Yes.
She is a friend of mine
and I told her that you were rich,
which is the only reason why she's seeing you.
Damn. I knew it was too good to be true.
- Doris! - Doris?
- Is something wrong? - ( Lacey gasps )
Are you just using me for my money?
You've got moves like that and you've got money?
- Jackpot. - ( Ed chuckles )
I'm sorry, Ed, this is all just a big misunderstanding.
We'll just get out of here so you guys can get back to,
you know-- oh, God.
I'll let you into Vlad's cell, but I'm gonna wait outside.
Kettles, you've got a gun.
- He's not gonna eat your face. - I know.
But I'm gonna have nightmares when I see him eat yours.
Well, hello, Mr. Goodson.
Welcome. Can I offer you some tea?
They let you have boiling water in here?
Nope, but they let me offer it.
I have to admit, I was expecting someone a little more terrifying.
And I was expecting somebody in long pants.
You have quite the reputation around here
as a, you know, eater of faces.
I just made that up to keep the skinheads off my ass.
The only reason I'm even in isolation
is because they don't want me anywhere near a computer.
So you've never eaten a face?
Nah, never eaten a face. Have you ever eaten a face?
- No, I've never eaten a face. - Oh.
- So, look, this girl I'm seeing... - Yeah.
...she stole my identity.
I had no idea that she was capable
of that kind of devious and manipulative behavior.
- Great body? - Spectacular.
Kind of distracted me from her probably obvious insanity.
So the boys gave me a heads up about your situation
and I think I can help you.
I've been hiding this.
Nobody ever suspected the hairbrush?
Why?
Uh...
what is that thing?
I wrote this program years ago.
Just plug this into her computer,
type in this code,
and her hacking capabilities will be immediately neutralized.
Wow. That's great.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
Why would you help me like this?
I help you and one day,
you'll help me.
Now I see why you went with the whole face eater thing
'cause that really wasn't very scary at all.
No? Okay, well...
maybe-- what if I, like, tilt my head down like...
( lowers voice ) you'll help me.
That's better. Keep working on that.
Don't patronize me!
Okay, that's a guy I believe eats faces. Guard.
Monica?
Monica: Charlie.
- Hey. - Hey.
You're here. What's going on?
I was just doing some home improvements.
Check this out. Now you can flush your toilets
from up to a mile away with your iPhone.
Oh, good.
Good, because I always like to come home to a toilet
that's been freshly swirled.
- Are those for me? - Yes, yes.
I did it all on my own.
- See what a good boyfriend I am? - Oh, you're really learning.
- Oh. - Hey, why don't you go put them in a vase?
- There's a bunch in the kitchen. - I'll be right back.
- Take your time. - You're awesome.
What are you doing?
I've got to look up the best way to keep them fresh.
Fresh? What are you gonna do, Google water?
Oh, Charlie.
Damn it.
You know what? Forget these stupid flowers.
Charlie, what are you doing?
A good boyfriend is spontaneous.
I want you right now. And we are gonna get freaky.
Ooh, what do you have in mind?
Here, take this whipped cream.
And... this chocolate frosting
and these candy sprinkles
and go upstairs
and turn yourself into an X-rated birthday cake.
Oh, you're so cute.
I'll be up in a minute. Go.
Charlie, I just noticed this frosting
is made in a factory that has peanuts.
I'm allergic.
Oh, sorry.
Here.
- Olive oil? - Yeah.
You're a Greek birthday cake.
Opa!
Go, go.
Sorry, Charlie, this olive oil was also made at a--
- what are you doing? - I'm taking back my life.
( computer chimes )
Done. I'm free.
You can't hold me hostage anymore.
Oh, my God. A half-eaten face.
That's Vlad the Encoder's new hacker emblem.
This is another reason why we can't be together.
You see the face as half-eaten
and I see the face as half...
not eaten.
Wait, you don't want to be together?
No, I don't want to be together.
Oh, you should've just said that.
I'm not gonna do all this stuff to somebody who doesn't wanna be with me.
I'm not crazy.
Another problem--
you see yourself as not crazy
and I see you as incredibly crazy.
Fine. We're done.
I'm removing my number from your cell phone
and I'm taking away your remote flushing capabilities.
( sighs ) Well, I guess I had that coming.