1 00:00:01,068 --> 00:00:04,269 - So I was about to get a date with this rich club promoter. - Hold on, hold on. 2 00:00:04,271 --> 00:00:05,771 I think you told this story last week. 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:08,240 No, that was a different rich club promoter. 4 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,175 What about the week before that? 5 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:12,011 These are all different guys. Keep up. 6 00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,345 I'm paying you to listen to me. 7 00:00:14,749 --> 00:00:16,749 So I'm talking to this guy 8 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,517 and my stupid friend Skylar comes over 9 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,020 and hip checks me out the way with her butt implants. 10 00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:24,423 Let me guess, this was at your book club? 11 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:27,760 Yeah, like there's actually a club where people sit around and read books. 12 00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:30,729 Whatever. Anyways, I hate this bitch. 13 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:33,165 She's so aggressive and materialistic. 14 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,267 She'll sleep with anybody who has money. 15 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:38,270 So would you. 16 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,205 You don't understand. 17 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,341 She makes her dates show them a bank statement 18 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:44,643 so she can see how much money they have. It's disgusting. 19 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,112 You do that, too. 20 00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:50,215 Yeah, I know. It is disgusting what a copycat she is. 21 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,286 When I asked my last date to show me a bank statement, 22 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,088 he told me I was "pulling a Skylar." 23 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,389 Not that I care what he thinks anyway 24 00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,159 'cause he only has 30K in his bank account. 25 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,127 Okay, everybody, see you next Monday. 26 00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,363 Wait a minute! Wait-- I didn't get a chance 27 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,698 to talk about what I wanted to talk about. 28 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,133 Okay, everybody, sit back down. 29 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,703 What's going on, Ed? 30 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,772 ( sighs ) 31 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,475 It's been a year since I had sex. 32 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:19,711 - No. - Everybody, hey, hey, hey, hey. 33 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,380 Sit down. 34 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,151 Ed has a problem he's going to talk about 35 00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:28,587 in very vague terms. 36 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,289 Go on, Ed. 37 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:33,258 I've been trying to work up the courage 38 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,260 to ask this question... 39 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,197 what does a guy like me 40 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:41,266 have to do to get casual sex? 41 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:47,473 Wow, wow. That's a pretty big issue, Ed. 42 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,274 What if we lead off with that at the next session 43 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,110 so we have some time to talk about it? 44 00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:54,346 Until then, Ed, try putting yourself out there. 45 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,415 If you're at the grocery store and you see a lady, 46 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:57,850 give her a wink and a smile. 47 00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:59,284 Let's see that smile. 48 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,622 Okay, maybe just a wink. 49 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:08,327 - Patrick, wait. - What is it? 50 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:11,530 Um, you know how Charlie's 51 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,232 always telling us to help each other out? 52 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,301 Hey, listen, I am really late. I cannot give you a ride. 53 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,803 Oh, no, no. It's not about that. 54 00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,672 Oh, then what is it? I've got some time to kill. 55 00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,508 I was thinking, 56 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:25,377 Ed really wants to get laid 57 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,181 and I really want to teach Skylar a lesson. 58 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,382 Go on. 59 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,820 If I tell Skylar that Ed's rich, 60 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,889 she'll have sex with him. 61 00:02:36,891 --> 00:02:40,292 And then when she finds out that she slept with an old guy that's poor, 62 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:43,395 we'll call that "pulling a Skylar." 63 00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,631 I would love to see that happen, Lacey. 64 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:49,468 I really would, but selling Ed as a millionaire? 65 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:52,638 His car is made out of duct tape. 66 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,307 Then I guess I'll just have to go back to my original plan-- 67 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:58,510 Tweeting mean things about her until she develops an eating disorder. 68 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,846 And not the good kind. The kind where you're fat. 69 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,317 Okay. There you go. 70 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:07,786 Now all your videos, photos, and music are on the cloud. 71 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,722 So that video we made last night? 72 00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:14,226 God is watching it? 73 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:18,497 Well, metaphysically speaking, He probably saw the first cut. 74 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,899 So I guess I don't mind Him having a copy. 75 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,835 I'm really happy we're back together, Charlie. 76 00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,737 I know, I know. 77 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,273 And all this computer stuff you're doing for me is great. 78 00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,576 I just wish I could do something for you. 79 00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,478 Can I get you a glass of water or something? 80 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,682 No, I'm fine. 81 00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:38,417 You know what? I'm gonna get you one anyway. 82 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,484 I don't want this hanging over my head. 83 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,289 - Hey, man. - Hey, Sean. 84 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,425 Look who's here. Monica. 85 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:49,695 - Remember Monica? - Yeah, of course. 86 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:53,232 You're Monica, the great outdoors girl, right? 87 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:54,833 Into the rock climbing and camping and-- 88 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:57,002 No. I'm Monica the computer girl. 89 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,503 Of course you are. 90 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:02,374 That makes sense that you're not Monica 91 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,743 that looked like a fish and was eaten by a bear. 92 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,681 Did I fix that? 93 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:12,985 Yeah, like that volcano fixed Pompeii. 94 00:04:12,987 --> 00:04:16,455 Okay, I'm going to go check the Internet connection upstairs. 95 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:22,294 - Nice to see you again, Sean. - Good to... 96 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,964 Isn't that the girl that you were dating before 97 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,700 that then went back to her crazy nerd boyfriend? 98 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,436 Yes, but she broke up with him and called me a couple of weeks ago. 99 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,472 I'm sorry, last time you were with her, 100 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:35,507 wasn't that the guy that was stalking you through your own television? 101 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,009 Yes. 102 00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:38,710 But he's the crazy one, not her. 103 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,779 Monica's totally normal. 104 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,915 - Charlie, did you see your phone? - Uh, no. 105 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,554 Wow. You went into my phone 106 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:52,824 and changed my wallpaper without me even knowing it. 107 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,060 Magic. 108 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:58,397 I know. I took that picture of us while you were sleeping. 109 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,499 I look pretty hot, right? 110 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:03,502 - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you sure do. - Crazy hot. 111 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,838 Certifiably crazy hot. 112 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,042 ( theme music playing ) 113 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,646 Monica, this is incredible. 114 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,515 I'm watching the Bengals game live, 115 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,951 the picture's amazing, there's no lag, and-- 116 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:23,488 I'm stealing all these games, aren't I? 117 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,891 Well, technically you're just borrowing them 118 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,926 from a kid who paid for them in Cuba. 119 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,795 So really you're just piggybacking off the signal. 120 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,531 So I'm just playing piggyback. 121 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,599 Well, that's not a crime. That's just adorable. 122 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,670 Here. I want to show you something that I just got. 123 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:43,075 Do not tell me you got that from a kid in Cuba. 124 00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:45,711 No, you got it for me. 125 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,112 What? 126 00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:48,714 You said you wanted to do something for me 127 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:50,115 for everything I've done for you, 128 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,917 so I hacked into your PayPal account, 129 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,985 got access to your credit card, and bought myself this. 130 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,822 From you. You like it? 131 00:05:56,824 --> 00:06:01,360 Well, obviously I wouldn't have gotten it for you 132 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,462 if I didn't like it, right? 133 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:07,099 You're so thoughtful. 134 00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:09,134 Yeah, but let's talk about 135 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,036 that PayPal thing for a second. 136 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,639 You did what, now? 137 00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:17,709 I was just saving us some time. 138 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,378 You're the best boyfriend ever. 139 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:24,549 Ooh, I gotta get outta this. We've gotta get ready for the basketball game. 140 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,152 - What basketball game? - You said you wanted to take me to a game last week, 141 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:29,788 so I helped you buy us some tickets for this afternoon. 142 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:33,458 Hey, would it be okay if I got a Lakers jersey at the game later? 143 00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:34,960 Sure. 144 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:38,029 I can't believe I haven't gotten you one already. 145 00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,398 ( giggles ) 146 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,037 ( crowd cheering on TV ) 147 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,642 - Hey. - Oh, hey. You're here. 148 00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,745 How come you never told me that you had the whole football package? 149 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,580 Because I didn't want you busting into my place 150 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,549 and watching games when I wasn't home. 151 00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,952 Okay, well, I would never do that. 152 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:04,689 But somebody else might, which is why I am here-- to stop those dudes. 153 00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,558 So... 154 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,493 I can get you the same package I got Charlie. 155 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,996 I can do it right now. It'll take me two seconds on my laptop. 156 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,764 You need, like, my account number 157 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,099 from the cable company or something? 158 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,735 ( laughs ) Oh, you guys. 159 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,606 Okay, you know what I was saying before 160 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,942 about that one being crazy? 161 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,678 - I was wrong. - You were wrong. 162 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,514 She's not just crazy, she's also a criminal. 163 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:33,185 - What do you mean? - She broke into my PayPal account 164 00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:36,455 and spent $3,000 on tickets to a Laker game. 165 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:39,191 - How were your seats? - Oh, they were great. They were great. 166 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:42,894 They were courtside right next to Jack-- that doesn't matter! 167 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,896 - I've gotta end this thing. - I don't know, man. 168 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,865 She seems pretty into you. How are you gonna do it? 169 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:49,534 I'm gonna have her buy herself some flowers 170 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:53,772 and a cute little teddy bear holding a card that says, "Get out!" 171 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:56,141 Can you do me a favor? Can you just wait until she's done 172 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,510 hooking me up with the football and hockey, 173 00:07:58,512 --> 00:08:00,245 maybe next season's baseball? 174 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:03,748 Oh, I'm sorry. Is the complete invasion of my privacy 175 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,784 interfering with your entertainment needs? 176 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:08,954 - Sort of. - Get out. 177 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,989 - What, no teddy bear? - Get out. 178 00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:20,098 - Hey. - Hey, what's up? 179 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,901 Monica, I need to talk to you about what you did 180 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,070 with the lingerie and the basketball tickets. 181 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,005 You're not upset, are you? 182 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,274 Well, I wouldn't say upset. 183 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:32,878 I just feel a little weird that you went into my PayPal account without me knowing it. 184 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,213 So I guess what I'm feeling is-- 185 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,849 yeah, it's upset. 186 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,719 Well, I shouldn't be having to ask you for those things. 187 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,621 They should just be here. 188 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:45,023 Well, I shouldn't be having this conversation right now, 189 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,192 but here we are. 190 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,562 You think I crossed a line, I'll just put the money back into your account. 191 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:53,164 It's not just about that. 192 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,834 - We need to talk about our future. - I agree. 193 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:57,969 Sometimes when two people-- 194 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,105 I just took over your identity. 195 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,276 - You what? - Don't freak out. 196 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:06,211 The fact that I control your money and pretty much 197 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,780 every other aspect of your life is going to be great for us. 198 00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,248 Of course it is. 199 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,684 How again? 200 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:15,253 Because now I can reward you if you're good 201 00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,088 and punish you if you're bad. 202 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,691 It's the only way I can train you to be a better boyfriend 203 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,560 without worrying that you'll run away. 204 00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,562 Oh. 205 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,798 - You ever seen the movie "Misery"? - No. 206 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,968 Huh. Because I think you'd really love it. 207 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,641 - Hey, Lacey. - I'm a genius. 208 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,077 You finally figured out how to open the hood of your car? 209 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,813 Very funny. There's no way to do that. 210 00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:45,684 I figured out how to sucker Skylar 211 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,219 into thinking that Ed's rich so she'll sleep with him. 212 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,855 Is this better than your idea of putting a top hat on him 213 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,824 so she'll think he's the guy from Monopoly? 214 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,660 Because I did not need to be woken up by that call 215 00:09:55,662 --> 00:09:57,696 in the middle of the night. 216 00:09:57,698 --> 00:10:00,632 Okay, he's pretending to be poor 217 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:03,935 because he's worried about gold diggers who want all the money he made 218 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,671 from inventing the artificial heart. 219 00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,174 There is no one on Earth stupid enough 220 00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:11,910 to sleep with Ed because they think 221 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,746 that hillbilly invented the artificial heart. 222 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:18,316 I finally got me some sweets between the sheets. 223 00:10:19,886 --> 00:10:22,854 Ed, I'm so happy for you. 224 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,956 How did it happen? 225 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:28,159 Well, I was sitting at the bar and this cute little filly walks up 226 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,895 and starts chatting me up. I don't know what it was. 227 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:33,865 Well, you do look younger. Did you dye your ear hair? 228 00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:37,736 Hey, guys. 229 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,839 Good news. That girl I've been eyeing for the last few months, 230 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,741 she finally looked at me today. 231 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:45,010 Well, that's just great for you 232 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:48,647 because Ed met a lady last night and already had sex with her. 233 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,682 That's great. 234 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:53,351 That doesn't make me feel bad about myself at all. 235 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,253 Well, I guess there's nothing left to do 236 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,222 besides show that bitch your bank balance, 237 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,858 make her realize she slept with an old guy for no reason, 238 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,293 and call it quits. 239 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,363 Now you watch your mouth. I ain't giving this gal up. 240 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:09,267 As a matter of fact, I think I'm in love. 241 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,403 - Lacey: Ugh. - I hate my life. 242 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,106 How 'bout that, Lacey? 243 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,442 Ed's in love and he's gonna get his heart broken. 244 00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:18,943 Oh, no, wait. He'll be fine. 245 00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:21,680 He can just pop in an artificial one. 246 00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:23,014 Now where's Charlie? 247 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,949 I want to break the good news to him. 248 00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,686 He left a note saying he went to the bank. 249 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:29,354 What do you mean I can't freeze my account? 250 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,691 - Somebody's trying to hijack my identity. - I'm sorry, sir. 251 00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,959 I can't freeze anything without your wife's signature. 252 00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:36,695 She's a cosigner on all your accounts. 253 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,797 My wife? I don't have a wife. 254 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:42,167 Oh, I see where this is going, sir. 255 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:45,870 I'm not allowed to fraternize with our customers. 256 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,273 I am not trying to pick you up. 257 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,308 I'm trying to protect my money. 258 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:53,244 I get it, sir. You have money. That's great. 259 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,216 But I need someone with the heart of a Bengal tiger 260 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,385 who can make me laugh. 261 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,355 Okay, look. 262 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,358 Can I talk to anybody else but you, please? 263 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,260 I'm sorry, sir. 264 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:12,163 You're going to get the same answer from anyone at this institution. 265 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,132 Besides, everyone's gone for the evening. 266 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:15,967 Well, what are you doing here? 267 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,203 I'm here in case somebody has an emergency. 268 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:22,006 Okay, okay. I have an emergency. 269 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,442 Trying to deny the existence of your wife 270 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:28,246 and the responsibility of your marriage is not an emergency. 271 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,116 You are a horrible, 272 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,218 horrible bank employee. 273 00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,986 I know. 274 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:41,926 But I am a terrific mistress. 275 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:45,897 Here's my phone number. 276 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,799 Don't tell anyone I gave it to you. 277 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,868 Oh, don't worry. 278 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,103 Our secret will die with me. 279 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,374 You ever have sex in a bank vault? 280 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,209 No! 281 00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,944 Actually, yes. 282 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,880 Twice. 283 00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:04,182 Why am I still talking to you? 284 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,390 Sorry I'm late, Jordan. Crazy morning. 285 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,559 This girl I'm dating 286 00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:17,862 hacked into my computer and stole my identity. 287 00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:21,199 I had to buy her shoes this morning or she was gonna put my house on eBay. 288 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,835 With no minimum bid. 289 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,403 Why don't you go to the cops? 290 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:29,240 Hey, that's the first time I haven't said that mockingly 291 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,976 to somebody tied up in my trunk. 292 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,045 They said that they can't do anything. 293 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,248 They're already backed up with, like, 20,000 other ID theft cases 294 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,984 and by the time they get to mine, I'll be dead. 295 00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,921 But still buying boots at Nordstrom. 296 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,023 You know what you need to do, Charlie? 297 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,259 Go down to cellblock H and talk to the best hacker in the world-- 298 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,562 Vlad the Encoder. 299 00:13:50,564 --> 00:13:54,299 Uh-uh. No, Charlie. You do not want to go talk to Vlad the Encoder. 300 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,268 That guy is messed up. I heard he ate somebody's face. 301 00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:01,206 That's not true. He made a robot that ate somebody's face. 302 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,876 Either way, a face was eaten. 303 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,179 I've grown kind of attached to this. 304 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,216 I think I'm gonna hold off on Vlad. 305 00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,985 Monica: Hey, Charlie. Can you hear me? 306 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,421 I just figured out how to get into your phone, too, 307 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,090 and turn it into an intercom so I can listen to everything. 308 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:21,492 It'll be like I'm in your pocket. Say something. 309 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,394 Sorry, I can't hear you. 310 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,331 I'm still at the mall stopping for a pretzel. 311 00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,136 Take me to the face-eater. 312 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,140 Thank you for coming with me. 313 00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,209 When I tell Ed that I tricked Skylar into dating him, 314 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,510 he's gonna have a heart attack. 315 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,312 And I don't know CPR. 316 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:44,515 And I wouldn't put my mouth on his to save his life. 317 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:47,385 If he didn't have a heart attack from having sex with your friend, 318 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,120 he ain't gonna have one now. 319 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,925 What are you two doing here? 320 00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,493 Not looking down. 321 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,664 What's with the bat? Didn't you look through the peephole? 322 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:02,000 Yes, I did. 323 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:06,004 Look, Ed, um, can we come inside? 324 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,305 I really need to talk to you for a minute. 325 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,474 All right, but make it quick. 326 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:13,645 I'm entertaining my lady friend. 327 00:15:13,647 --> 00:15:16,547 - Look, Ed, there's something you need to know. - ( door closes ) 328 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:21,386 That girl in your bed that you've been-- oh, God. 329 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,123 Having-- oh, God. 330 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,658 Having sex with. 331 00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,660 Oh, God. 332 00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:31,262 Okay. Yes. 333 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,597 She is a friend of mine 334 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,199 and I told her that you were rich, 335 00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:37,435 which is the only reason why she's seeing you. 336 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,004 Damn. I knew it was too good to be true. 337 00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,540 - Doris! - Doris? 338 00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:46,544 - Is something wrong? - ( Lacey gasps ) 339 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:50,014 Are you just using me for my money? 340 00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:53,051 You've got moves like that and you've got money? 341 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:55,520 - Jackpot. - ( Ed chuckles ) 342 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,690 I'm sorry, Ed, this is all just a big misunderstanding. 343 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:01,292 We'll just get out of here so you guys can get back to, 344 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,361 you know-- oh, God. 345 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,368 I'll let you into Vlad's cell, but I'm gonna wait outside. 346 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,338 Kettles, you've got a gun. 347 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,473 - He's not gonna eat your face. - I know. 348 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,009 But I'm gonna have nightmares when I see him eat yours. 349 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,749 Well, hello, Mr. Goodson. 350 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,585 Welcome. Can I offer you some tea? 351 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,121 They let you have boiling water in here? 352 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:32,423 Nope, but they let me offer it. 353 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:36,661 I have to admit, I was expecting someone a little more terrifying. 354 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:40,231 And I was expecting somebody in long pants. 355 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,200 You have quite the reputation around here 356 00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:45,069 as a, you know, eater of faces. 357 00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:48,106 I just made that up to keep the skinheads off my ass. 358 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,008 The only reason I'm even in isolation 359 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,443 is because they don't want me anywhere near a computer. 360 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,078 So you've never eaten a face? 361 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,280 Nah, never eaten a face. Have you ever eaten a face? 362 00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,750 - No, I've never eaten a face. - Oh. 363 00:16:58,752 --> 00:17:02,620 - So, look, this girl I'm seeing... - Yeah. 364 00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,389 ...she stole my identity. 365 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,057 I had no idea that she was capable 366 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,526 of that kind of devious and manipulative behavior. 367 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,095 - Great body? - Spectacular. 368 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:15,033 Kind of distracted me from her probably obvious insanity. 369 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:18,169 So the boys gave me a heads up about your situation 370 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,537 and I think I can help you. 371 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,240 I've been hiding this. 372 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:28,246 Nobody ever suspected the hairbrush? 373 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,347 Why? 374 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,349 Uh... 375 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,151 what is that thing? 376 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:38,089 I wrote this program years ago. 377 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,658 Just plug this into her computer, 378 00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,760 type in this code, 379 00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:46,431 and her hacking capabilities will be immediately neutralized. 380 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,067 Wow. That's great. 381 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,568 - Thank you. - Yeah. 382 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,236 Why would you help me like this? 383 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:56,174 I help you and one day, 384 00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,776 you'll help me. 385 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,145 Now I see why you went with the whole face eater thing 386 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,347 'cause that really wasn't very scary at all. 387 00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:04,849 No? Okay, well... 388 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,452 maybe-- what if I, like, tilt my head down like... 389 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:09,520 ( lowers voice ) you'll help me. 390 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,355 That's better. Keep working on that. 391 00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,658 Don't patronize me! 392 00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,626 Okay, that's a guy I believe eats faces. Guard. 393 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,669 Monica? 394 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,514 Monica: Charlie. 395 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,149 - Hey. - Hey. 396 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,651 You're here. What's going on? 397 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,387 I was just doing some home improvements. 398 00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:45,590 Check this out. Now you can flush your toilets 399 00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:48,126 from up to a mile away with your iPhone. 400 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,911 Oh, good. 401 00:18:49,912 --> 00:18:51,695 Good, because I always like to come home to a toilet 402 00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:53,631 that's been freshly swirled. 403 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,434 - Are those for me? - Yes, yes. 404 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,803 I did it all on my own. 405 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,707 - See what a good boyfriend I am? - Oh, you're really learning. 406 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,576 - Oh. - Hey, why don't you go put them in a vase? 407 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,845 - There's a bunch in the kitchen. - I'll be right back. 408 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,881 - Take your time. - You're awesome. 409 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,384 What are you doing? 410 00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,720 I've got to look up the best way to keep them fresh. 411 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:18,489 Fresh? What are you gonna do, Google water? 412 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,825 Oh, Charlie. 413 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,560 Damn it. 414 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,835 You know what? Forget these stupid flowers. 415 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,503 Charlie, what are you doing? 416 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,172 A good boyfriend is spontaneous. 417 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,575 I want you right now. And we are gonna get freaky. 418 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:39,744 Ooh, what do you have in mind? 419 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,446 Here, take this whipped cream. 420 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:48,319 And... this chocolate frosting 421 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:50,288 and these candy sprinkles 422 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,323 and go upstairs 423 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:55,526 and turn yourself into an X-rated birthday cake. 424 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,395 Oh, you're so cute. 425 00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,896 I'll be up in a minute. Go. 426 00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,872 Charlie, I just noticed this frosting 427 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,208 is made in a factory that has peanuts. 428 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,342 I'm allergic. 429 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,477 Oh, sorry. 430 00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:16,914 Here. 431 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,217 - Olive oil? - Yeah. 432 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,552 You're a Greek birthday cake. 433 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,820 Opa! 434 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,990 Go, go. 435 00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:34,632 Sorry, Charlie, this olive oil was also made at a-- 436 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:37,602 - what are you doing? - I'm taking back my life. 437 00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,370 ( computer chimes ) 438 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:40,972 Done. I'm free. 439 00:20:40,974 --> 00:20:42,707 You can't hold me hostage anymore. 440 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,642 Oh, my God. A half-eaten face. 441 00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,311 That's Vlad the Encoder's new hacker emblem. 442 00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,513 This is another reason why we can't be together. 443 00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,482 You see the face as half-eaten 444 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,384 and I see the face as half... 445 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,253 not eaten. 446 00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,922 Wait, you don't want to be together? 447 00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,724 No, I don't want to be together. 448 00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:02,126 Oh, you should've just said that. 449 00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:04,527 I'm not gonna do all this stuff to somebody who doesn't wanna be with me. 450 00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:06,530 I'm not crazy. 451 00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:07,832 Another problem-- 452 00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,800 you see yourself as not crazy 453 00:21:09,802 --> 00:21:11,902 and I see you as incredibly crazy. 454 00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:14,505 Fine. We're done. 455 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,574 I'm removing my number from your cell phone 456 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:19,777 and I'm taking away your remote flushing capabilities. 457 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:23,314 ( sighs ) Well, I guess I had that coming.