1
00:00:02,289 --> 00:00:04,649
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

2
00:00:05,312 --> 00:00:08,510
One of my prisoners had an
emergency and I had to go see him.

3
00:00:08,512 --> 00:00:10,279
Why do you have bedhead?

4
00:00:10,281 --> 00:00:13,215
Oh, because afterwards,

5
00:00:13,217 --> 00:00:15,584
we took a nap.

6
00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:17,553
I call BS.

7
00:00:17,555 --> 00:00:20,756
You're late because you're just
getting home from last night.

8
00:00:20,758 --> 00:00:24,359
No, actually, I'm getting home
from the night before last night.

9
00:00:24,361 --> 00:00:25,894
She said that she lived at the beach.

10
00:00:25,896 --> 00:00:28,797
I didn't realize the beach was in Cabo.

11
00:00:28,799 --> 00:00:31,333
You're ridiculously late.
I'm going home.

12
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:34,336
No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.
Check this out.

13
00:00:34,338 --> 00:00:38,040
I came up with a new time-saving
therapy technique on the plane.

14
00:00:38,042 --> 00:00:40,943
Tell me in three words
what's bothering you.

15
00:00:40,945 --> 00:00:42,744
- Three words?
- <i> Yeah.</i>

16
00:00:42,746 --> 00:00:45,147
Don't think. Just talk. Ed?

17
00:00:45,149 --> 00:00:46,648
Red, yellow, brown.

18
00:00:46,650 --> 00:00:48,784
And those would be people.

19
00:00:48,786 --> 00:00:51,086
We get it, Ed, you're a racist.

20
00:00:51,088 --> 00:00:53,255
No, those are not people.

21
00:00:53,257 --> 00:00:56,558
Red and yellow
are the color of McDonald's.

22
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,995
- Brown is the color of hamburger.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

23
00:00:59,997 --> 00:01:02,664
Served by a Mexican who doesn't
understand enough English

24
00:01:02,666 --> 00:01:05,834
to know what "no pickles" means.

25
00:01:05,836 --> 00:01:08,070
All right, let's put a pin in that.

26
00:01:08,072 --> 00:01:10,105
Ahem. Lacey?

27
00:01:10,107 --> 00:01:12,741
- Three words, huh?
- Very good. Nolan?

28
00:01:13,936 --> 00:01:15,777
I'm just kidding. Go on, Lacey.

29
00:01:15,779 --> 00:01:19,047
Nolan needs

30
00:01:19,049 --> 00:01:21,984
deodorant.

31
00:01:21,986 --> 00:01:24,453
Technically, that would be
Nolan's problem.

32
00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:26,154
Fine.

33
00:01:26,156 --> 00:01:29,291
Smells like

34
00:01:29,293 --> 00:01:31,860
ass.

35
00:01:31,862 --> 00:01:34,196
Much better.

36
00:01:34,198 --> 00:01:36,898
All right, Nolan, three words.
What's bothering you?

37
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:40,335
Well, I went.

38
00:01:42,272 --> 00:01:44,506
Okay, that's the beginning of a story.

39
00:01:44,508 --> 00:01:46,468
I need you to pick three key words.

40
00:01:48,278 --> 00:01:52,114
To work and.

41
00:01:54,183 --> 00:01:58,120
Now you're just telling a story
three words at a time.

42
00:01:58,122 --> 00:02:00,856
Pick three key words.

43
00:02:00,858 --> 00:02:04,960
Walked in and

44
00:02:04,962 --> 00:02:06,662
I...

45
00:02:06,664 --> 00:02:08,196
Oh, that was four.

46
00:02:08,198 --> 00:02:11,800
- I don't know how to do this.
- Okay, okay, fine.

47
00:02:11,802 --> 00:02:14,069
Just talk about your problem. Don't
worry about the three-word thing.

48
00:02:14,071 --> 00:02:17,105
I'm having a problem
with some bullies at work.

49
00:02:17,107 --> 00:02:20,042
You couldn't have just said,
"Bullies at work"?

50
00:02:21,377 --> 00:02:23,345
Go on.

51
00:02:23,347 --> 00:02:25,480
The limo company has a new policy

52
00:02:25,482 --> 00:02:27,783
where you have to go to the
office to get your assignment.

53
00:02:27,785 --> 00:02:29,484
But I can't get any of the good jobs

54
00:02:29,486 --> 00:02:31,887
because all the other drivers
are always pushing me around

55
00:02:31,889 --> 00:02:33,355
and stepping in front of me.

56
00:02:33,357 --> 00:02:35,390
So did you talk to your boss
about what's going on?

57
00:02:35,392 --> 00:02:37,125
It's too embarrassing.

58
00:02:37,127 --> 00:02:40,395
It's one thing to be strong and
assertive like I am in group.

59
00:02:40,397 --> 00:02:42,097
( Chuckles )

60
00:02:42,099 --> 00:02:43,979
What are you looking at, stinky?

61
00:02:45,935 --> 00:02:48,170
I'm sorry.

62
00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:51,206
( Sighs )
That's what we need to work on.

63
00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:53,675
Nolan, why don't you come with
me tomorrow to my prison group?

64
00:02:53,677 --> 00:02:56,878
Those guys could teach you a little
something about dealing with intimidation.

65
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,114
You should go, Nolan. I've been in jail.

66
00:02:59,116 --> 00:03:00,949
Their lives depend on acting tough.

67
00:03:00,951 --> 00:03:02,718
And, occasionally, their willingness

68
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,654
to accept unsavory sexual advances.

69
00:03:05,656 --> 00:03:07,389
But you're not at that stage yet.

70
00:03:07,391 --> 00:03:09,558
I don't know about this, Charlie.

71
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,593
- It sounds scary.
- Oh, don't worry.

72
00:03:11,595 --> 00:03:13,395
We'll have two guards
watching us the whole time.

73
00:03:13,397 --> 00:03:15,564
- It's perfectly safe.
- Okay.

74
00:03:15,566 --> 00:03:17,833
Oh, wait. One guard.

75
00:03:17,835 --> 00:03:20,335
The other one got stabbed four times.

76
00:03:20,337 --> 00:03:22,170
Just in the neck.

77
00:03:22,172 --> 00:03:24,072
Who does something like that?

78
00:03:24,074 --> 00:03:25,875
Anyway, it's perfectly safe.

79
00:03:26,743 --> 00:03:28,510
<i>Anger Management 2x77</i>
Charlie and The Curse of the Flying Fist

80
00:03:32,548 --> 00:03:35,584
I am so sorry. I thought
that would be sexier.

81
00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:38,487
It looks so hot when people eat
food off each other in the movies.

82
00:03:38,489 --> 00:03:41,289
Well, that's because they never
show the scene where they clean up.

83
00:03:41,291 --> 00:03:44,192
See, that's the part that
actually takes nine 1/2 weeks.

84
00:03:44,194 --> 00:03:47,162
I just want to try something exciting.

85
00:03:47,164 --> 00:03:50,265
I've been so traditional for so long,
I'm like a kid in a candy store.

86
00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:51,533
Speaking of candy stores,

87
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,201
I think we have successfully proven

88
00:03:53,203 --> 00:03:56,571
that M&M's do not melt in your hands,

89
00:03:56,573 --> 00:03:59,007
but they do melt
absolutely everywhere else.

90
00:04:01,010 --> 00:04:04,045
Okay, so what other
fun things can we do?

91
00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:05,580
We could tie each other up.

92
00:04:05,582 --> 00:04:07,883
We could get some toys.
We could role-play.

93
00:04:07,885 --> 00:04:09,317
Ooh, role-playing sounds good.

94
00:04:09,319 --> 00:04:11,019
I've never done that before.

95
00:04:11,021 --> 00:04:13,755
Except for the first time I had
sex when I pretended I was 18.

96
00:04:13,757 --> 00:04:15,957
- How old were you?
- 24.

97
00:04:17,321 --> 00:04:19,361
So who do you want to pretend to be?

98
00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:21,663
I'll be the high school kid
who cuts class

99
00:04:21,665 --> 00:04:24,266
and you can be
the sexy substitute teacher

100
00:04:24,268 --> 00:04:27,035
with different ideas on detention.

101
00:04:27,037 --> 00:04:29,538
I thought this was
supposed to be a fantasy,

102
00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:32,407
- not a reenactment from your life.
- That is a fantasy.

103
00:04:32,409 --> 00:04:35,090
That didn't happen when I was in
high school. I was in eighth grade.

104
00:04:36,919 --> 00:04:38,480
- Let's play doctor.
- Okay.

105
00:04:38,482 --> 00:04:39,681
Yeah? All right.

106
00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:41,416
I'm the doctor, you're the patient.

107
00:04:41,418 --> 00:04:42,818
Okay, great.

108
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:46,121
And I will come in with
a hard-to-diagnose disease,

109
00:04:46,123 --> 00:04:48,056
it'll present like Legionnaires',

110
00:04:48,058 --> 00:04:51,338
but you'll insist that I might have
been bit by an African fruit bat.

111
00:04:52,662 --> 00:04:54,863
I was just gonna touch around
on your boobs a little bit

112
00:04:54,865 --> 00:04:57,165
and ask you if you felt better,
but whatever you want.

113
00:05:01,704 --> 00:05:03,171
Okay, here's what's going on.

114
00:05:03,173 --> 00:05:05,073
Nolan is being bullied at work.

115
00:05:05,075 --> 00:05:07,742
And I was hoping that you guys
could maybe give him some tips

116
00:05:07,744 --> 00:05:09,344
on how to deal with intimidation.

117
00:05:09,346 --> 00:05:12,447
Cool! Stabbing lessons.

118
00:05:12,449 --> 00:05:14,015
I was thinking more along the lines

119
00:05:14,017 --> 00:05:16,318
of posture and eye contact.

120
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,360
My knife makes contact with their eyes.

121
00:05:20,656 --> 00:05:24,860
Just as an exercise, let's take
all stabbing off the table.

122
00:05:24,862 --> 00:05:27,195
You know, I know what you mean, Charlie.

123
00:05:27,197 --> 00:05:29,464
Nolan, stand up.

124
00:05:29,466 --> 00:05:32,234
Now, I want you to come at us

125
00:05:32,236 --> 00:05:34,069
with your most intimidating walk.

126
00:05:39,236 --> 00:05:41,676
Man, you'd never last in here.

127
00:05:41,678 --> 00:05:44,479
And I don't mean as a
prisoner, I mean today.

128
00:05:44,481 --> 00:05:47,048
I don't know if you're gonna
make it back to your car.

129
00:05:48,484 --> 00:05:49,784
I'll tell you what I do

130
00:05:49,786 --> 00:05:51,419
when people try to push me around.

131
00:05:51,421 --> 00:05:54,523
I find the biggest, toughest
son of a bitch that I can

132
00:05:54,525 --> 00:05:56,591
and then I make sweet love to him.

133
00:05:56,593 --> 00:05:57,893
And he protects me.

134
00:05:59,362 --> 00:06:02,264
Thank you, Cleo. Ahem. Nolan.

135
00:06:02,266 --> 00:06:05,500
- Yes?
- Don't do that.

136
00:06:05,502 --> 00:06:07,903
Look, if you're not a good fighter,

137
00:06:07,905 --> 00:06:10,472
you just gotta move in a way that says,

138
00:06:10,474 --> 00:06:14,142
"Don't mess with me or I'll cut you."
( Grunts )

139
00:06:14,144 --> 00:06:16,011
A lot of it is in the eyes.

140
00:06:21,083 --> 00:06:23,385
I can't take this anymore.
Just kill me already.

141
00:06:25,555 --> 00:06:28,089
Okay, Nolan, okay. Now it's your turn.

142
00:06:28,091 --> 00:06:29,424
All right.

143
00:06:33,563 --> 00:06:36,064
Oh, my God, look at him.
He look like Bambi.

144
00:06:36,066 --> 00:06:37,933
Charlie, can I keep him?

145
00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:42,370
Okay, clearly this whole intimidation
thing is not gonna work.

146
00:06:42,372 --> 00:06:44,673
I know. What am I gonna do?

147
00:06:44,675 --> 00:06:46,608
I'd have to kill somebody
at work to get some respect.

148
00:06:46,610 --> 00:06:49,444
Well, that's a great idea.

149
00:06:49,446 --> 00:06:53,014
It's really gonna affect my
tips if I start killing people.

150
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:54,716
No, no, no. Metaphorically.

151
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:57,519
I'll come in there and act
as a disgruntled customer,

152
00:06:57,521 --> 00:07:00,522
pick a fight with your boss,
and then when I smash something,

153
00:07:00,524 --> 00:07:02,591
like, say, his coffee mug,

154
00:07:02,593 --> 00:07:05,126
that'll be your signal to come
down on me in front of everybody.

155
00:07:05,128 --> 00:07:06,428
By killing you?

156
00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:09,864
Okay, before we go any
further, let's make sure

157
00:07:09,866 --> 00:07:13,027
we're all really clear about what
the word "metaphorically" means.

158
00:07:18,331 --> 00:07:21,411
All right guys, I got a call in Beverly
Hills that needs to go to the airport.

159
00:07:21,413 --> 00:07:23,686
- Who's up?
- I am.

160
00:07:24,546 --> 00:07:26,446
How you gonna do it?

161
00:07:26,448 --> 00:07:27,848
You lost your keys.

162
00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:32,386
( Chuckles )
Fine.

163
00:07:32,388 --> 00:07:34,688
Mike, it's yours.

164
00:07:34,690 --> 00:07:37,024
Well, joke's on you, Mike.

165
00:07:37,026 --> 00:07:40,060
'Cause when you pull out that limo to
go make money that should've been mine,

166
00:07:40,062 --> 00:07:42,095
I'm gonna walk right over
and pick up my keys.

167
00:07:42,097 --> 00:07:44,765
So ha.

168
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:47,834
- You the guy in charge around here?
- Yeah.

169
00:07:47,836 --> 00:07:51,972
I booked a car yesterday
at 3:00 and nobody showed up.

170
00:07:51,974 --> 00:07:55,169
I missed a business meeting that
cost me millions of dollars.

171
00:07:55,193 --> 00:07:56,371
I'm very sorry, sir.

172
00:07:56,373 --> 00:07:57,706
Give me your name.
I'll check the records.

173
00:07:57,708 --> 00:07:59,641
What, are you calling me a liar?

174
00:07:59,643 --> 00:08:03,044
Whoa, dude. Calm down.

175
00:08:03,046 --> 00:08:06,448
What, are you calling me
a not-calm dude?

176
00:08:06,450 --> 00:08:09,251
I missed the birth of my daughter.

177
00:08:09,253 --> 00:08:12,687
During the business meeting that
cost me millions of dollars.

178
00:08:12,689 --> 00:08:15,390
You need to settle down, pal.
I'm gonna call the cops.

179
00:08:15,392 --> 00:08:17,359
Settle down? Settle down?

180
00:08:17,361 --> 00:08:21,096
- How 'bout I do this?
- What the hell?

181
00:08:21,098 --> 00:08:24,666
Everybody see that?
I just smashed his coffee cup.

182
00:08:24,668 --> 00:08:27,569
- Anybody got a problem with that?
- Yeah. I do.

183
00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:29,437
Well, I know you got
a problem with that.

184
00:08:29,439 --> 00:08:31,173
Anybody else got a problem with that?

185
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:34,743
I just smashed his coffee cup.

186
00:08:34,745 --> 00:08:37,979
It's not like you smashed
a mug or anything.

187
00:08:37,981 --> 00:08:40,215
- A cup and a mug are the same thing.
- Oh, crap.

188
00:08:40,217 --> 00:08:42,350
I didn't realize that.

189
00:08:42,352 --> 00:08:44,252
Yeah, I got a problem.

190
00:08:44,254 --> 00:08:46,188
Stop yelling at my boss!

191
00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:48,623
- Who the hell are you?
- My name is Nolan!

192
00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:51,426
And I'm tired of watching people
get treated like crap around here!

193
00:08:51,428 --> 00:08:53,562
If you don't get out of here right
now, I'm gonna rip your leg off

194
00:08:53,564 --> 00:08:56,844
and use it to kick your
own ass down the street!

195
00:08:57,767 --> 00:09:01,203
Well, that's a very odd
but serious threat.

196
00:09:01,205 --> 00:09:04,873
It's not a threat, it's a
promise, you son of a bitch!

197
00:09:04,875 --> 00:09:07,108
I'm gonna count to three and
then you are gonna give yourself

198
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,211
the ass kicking of a lifetime!

199
00:09:09,213 --> 00:09:10,879
- One!
- I'm going, I'm going!

200
00:09:10,881 --> 00:09:14,282
No, wait! Apologize first.

201
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:17,252
- Look, I am really...
- Two!

202
00:09:17,254 --> 00:09:20,188
Dude, let me finish my apology.

203
00:09:20,190 --> 00:09:23,525
Look, I am really sorry that I
came in here and caused a scene.

204
00:09:23,527 --> 00:09:26,094
How do you work with this guy?

205
00:09:26,096 --> 00:09:27,963
- Aren't you afraid of him?
- Three!

206
00:09:34,837 --> 00:09:36,877
Here are your keys, Nolan.

207
00:09:37,788 --> 00:09:39,708
You take that job in Beverly Hills.

208
00:09:39,710 --> 00:09:41,543
Wow. Thank you.

209
00:09:41,545 --> 00:09:43,712
I mean, damn right I will!

210
00:09:43,714 --> 00:09:46,982
Now, has anybody seen my wallet?

211
00:09:46,984 --> 00:09:49,517
- It's in your pocket.
- Then good day.

212
00:09:52,989 --> 00:09:55,423
( Exhales )

213
00:09:55,425 --> 00:09:59,995
I really appreciate the house call.

214
00:09:59,997 --> 00:10:04,165
I mean, wow, talk about
Doctors Without Borders.

215
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:07,135
I think you're gonna be okay,
but just to be safe,

216
00:10:07,137 --> 00:10:09,104
we should schedule a follow-up in, say,

217
00:10:09,106 --> 00:10:10,538
I don't know, 20 minutes?

218
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:13,675
Right after I check
my fantasy football league.

219
00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:15,844
Perfect.

220
00:10:15,846 --> 00:10:18,346
That'll give me time to hop on WebMD

221
00:10:18,348 --> 00:10:21,216
and find something else
that can be cured by sex.

222
00:10:21,218 --> 00:10:25,420
I know we're just pretending,
but my hiccups did go away.

223
00:10:25,422 --> 00:10:27,188
Well, I think that's
just because I scared you

224
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:30,258
when I told you
this was a live Web show.

225
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:33,194
Not funny then, not funny now.

226
00:10:33,196 --> 00:10:35,797
You should have heard your heart
pounding through the stethoscope.

227
00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:38,033
It was pretty funny.

228
00:10:38,035 --> 00:10:39,768
Well, next time, it's my pick

229
00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:41,803
and I get to pick anything I want.

230
00:10:41,805 --> 00:10:44,539
And I think I've got something

231
00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:46,341
that's really gonna surprise you.

232
00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:50,378
Is it a geisha fantasy with you
and a couple hot Asian chicks?

233
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:53,248
'Cause even though I just said it,
I would never see that coming.

234
00:10:56,352 --> 00:10:59,321
- Here you go. - Hey, Brett, guess
what. We're celebrating tonight.

235
00:10:59,323 --> 00:11:02,357
Nolan finally stood up for himself
against the bullies at work.

236
00:11:02,359 --> 00:11:05,226
I was bullied when I was a kid
and it was awful.

237
00:11:05,228 --> 00:11:07,228
Oh, no, wait. I was the bully.

238
00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:09,731
It was fun.

239
00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:12,267
Jorge, your shift's over.

240
00:11:12,269 --> 00:11:14,169
Leave. Only cool people work at night.

241
00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:15,704
( Laughs )

242
00:11:15,706 --> 00:11:17,586
Hey, guess what. It's still fun.

243
00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:24,346
Cheers, Nolan. I am proud of you.

244
00:11:24,348 --> 00:11:26,915
Are you kidding? Everything at work
is different now because of you.

245
00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:28,583
This night is on me.

246
00:11:28,585 --> 00:11:30,518
Well, that's very nice of you,
but I'll buy the beer

247
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,187
and you buy yourself things you need

248
00:11:32,189 --> 00:11:35,857
like health insurance
and underwear and food.

249
00:11:35,859 --> 00:11:38,126
Health insurance and underwear?

250
00:11:38,128 --> 00:11:41,262
Whoo, I don't wanna lose touch
with the common people.

251
00:11:42,865 --> 00:11:44,499
Well, don't underestimate yourself.

252
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:46,334
There's no telling
how far you can go now.

253
00:11:46,336 --> 00:11:48,803
I mean, you might wind up
as a CEO of a big corporation.

254
00:11:48,805 --> 00:11:51,773
Yeah, or even assistant dispatcher.

255
00:11:51,775 --> 00:11:54,776
Okay, Nolan, I'm gonna take this napkin

256
00:11:54,778 --> 00:11:57,479
and draw for you the rungs
of a corporate ladder.

257
00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:02,050
Did you see that? That guy
just took our pretzels.

258
00:12:02,052 --> 00:12:04,419
Then use your new assertive tools

259
00:12:04,421 --> 00:12:06,022
and tell him you want
your pretzels back.

260
00:12:07,583 --> 00:12:09,424
Excuse me, I think those
are our pretzels.

261
00:12:09,426 --> 00:12:11,793
It's a bar.
They're everybody's pretzels.

262
00:12:11,795 --> 00:12:14,062
Yeah, but they were sitting in
front of us and I was eating them.

263
00:12:14,064 --> 00:12:16,731
Yeah, well, now I'm eating them.
Get outta my face.

264
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:19,968
He's not cooperating. It's
really starting to piss me off.

265
00:12:19,970 --> 00:12:23,571
Okay, okay, then tell him in
a firm but respectful tone...

266
00:12:23,573 --> 00:12:25,573
Give me the bowl or I will beat you

267
00:12:25,575 --> 00:12:27,675
until you don't understand
what pretzels are!

268
00:12:27,677 --> 00:12:29,911
Sure thing, dude.

269
00:12:29,913 --> 00:12:31,780
Take the damn pretzels.

270
00:12:34,283 --> 00:12:35,984
How'd I do?

271
00:12:35,986 --> 00:12:38,219
Well, you got the firm part down,

272
00:12:38,221 --> 00:12:42,457
but I think you replaced respectful
with insane-crystal-meth guy.

273
00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:43,925
So I did good.

274
00:12:45,928 --> 00:12:47,362
Those are mine.

275
00:12:57,082 --> 00:13:00,450
- Hello? Jordan?
- I'm in the kitchen.

276
00:13:00,474 --> 00:13:02,059
I'll be right out.

277
00:13:02,061 --> 00:13:05,062
All right. Ahem.

278
00:13:05,064 --> 00:13:07,346
Really looking forward to
seeing what your fantasy is.

279
00:13:07,378 --> 00:13:09,127
If we have time for a second one,

280
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:12,578
I kind of have a "Lone
Ranger" thing I wanna do.

281
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:16,482
There's no time to talk. I want you so bad.
Let's do this.

282
00:13:16,484 --> 00:13:18,684
Sexy yoga instructor that loves to bake.

283
00:13:18,686 --> 00:13:21,420
So you're flexible and you
always smell like cookies.

284
00:13:21,422 --> 00:13:23,389
I'm down.

285
00:13:23,391 --> 00:13:25,290
Stop joking around.

286
00:13:25,292 --> 00:13:27,426
I just got the baby down,
put a meat loaf in the oven,

287
00:13:27,428 --> 00:13:29,094
and we've got about
20 minutes to get busy

288
00:13:29,096 --> 00:13:31,299
before I have to pick up Joey
from soccer practice.

289
00:13:32,966 --> 00:13:35,868
Mm. Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, what are we doing?

290
00:13:35,870 --> 00:13:37,703
What do you mean?

291
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:40,139
We've got a house in the
suburbs and three kids.

292
00:13:40,141 --> 00:13:41,974
And you're my handsome, hardworking man

293
00:13:41,976 --> 00:13:44,443
and you've just bought me
a minivan and I love you.

294
00:13:46,446 --> 00:13:48,614
( Groans )

295
00:13:48,616 --> 00:13:51,417
So I'm your husband?

296
00:13:51,419 --> 00:13:53,719
God.

297
00:13:53,721 --> 00:13:55,954
You have been spending so much time

298
00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:58,090
working at a midsize but
growing pharmaceutical company

299
00:13:58,092 --> 00:14:00,659
that you've forgotten
that I'm your wife.

300
00:14:02,762 --> 00:14:04,930
- Ah...
- Shh.

301
00:14:04,932 --> 00:14:07,966
- What?
- I'm sorry. I thought I heard Eugene.

302
00:14:07,968 --> 00:14:10,369
- Who is Eugene?
- Our baby.

303
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:13,172
I think he's waking up and wants
to breast-feed. Take me now.

304
00:14:13,174 --> 00:14:16,575
Uh, okay, okay. Okay, next fantasy.

305
00:14:18,511 --> 00:14:20,579
( Vocalizing "The Lone Ranger" theme )

306
00:14:20,581 --> 00:14:24,083
- What are you doing?
- Just trying not to freak out.

307
00:14:24,085 --> 00:14:26,051
No need to freak out.

308
00:14:26,053 --> 00:14:27,519
I'll pump.

309
00:14:27,521 --> 00:14:30,322
( Vocalizing continues )

310
00:14:34,627 --> 00:14:36,995
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

311
00:14:36,997 --> 00:14:40,265
So where did we leave off last time?

312
00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:42,935
Ed was just on the verge of accepting

313
00:14:42,937 --> 00:14:47,005
that Chinese and Japanese are different.

314
00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:48,941
Not really.

315
00:14:48,943 --> 00:14:52,077
But I'll say whatever it takes
to get us out of here early.

316
00:14:53,607 --> 00:14:55,848
I know what I wanna talk about.

317
00:14:55,850 --> 00:14:57,983
Charlie, you're late.

318
00:14:57,985 --> 00:15:01,753
Yeah, I know. That's why I started by
saying I was sorry for being late.

319
00:15:01,755 --> 00:15:04,890
Well, you could've at least apologized.

320
00:15:04,892 --> 00:15:07,359
You're right. What was I thinking?

321
00:15:07,361 --> 00:15:10,929
How about I make it up to you by
just staying a little longer today?

322
00:15:10,931 --> 00:15:14,766
Oh, so you just assume I have
nothing else to do with my time?

323
00:15:14,768 --> 00:15:17,469
If you ever do this again,

324
00:15:17,471 --> 00:15:20,272
I am gonna rip your ears
off and boil your eyes

325
00:15:20,274 --> 00:15:22,674
and eat the cartilage out of your face.

326
00:15:24,410 --> 00:15:28,180
Okay. That's pretty much what
I wanted to talk about today.

327
00:15:28,182 --> 00:15:29,848
Let's explore the difference between

328
00:15:29,850 --> 00:15:32,618
being assertive and being a dick.

329
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:35,320
Yeah, Nolan. What's your problem?

330
00:15:35,322 --> 00:15:38,157
You're being, like, super agro.

331
00:15:38,159 --> 00:15:41,226
Have you been working out?

332
00:15:41,228 --> 00:15:44,530
Lacey, one pathology at a time.

333
00:15:44,532 --> 00:15:46,331
Nolan, you're overreacting.

334
00:15:46,333 --> 00:15:48,100
Nobody here is taking advantage of you.

335
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:49,501
You're being way too aggressive.

336
00:15:49,503 --> 00:15:51,003
No, Charlie, let him go.

337
00:15:51,005 --> 00:15:53,872
I believe his balls
are finally about to drop.

338
00:15:53,874 --> 00:15:56,308
The only thing that's gonna
drop around here, old man,

339
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:58,577
is you if you keep interrupting.

340
00:15:58,579 --> 00:16:00,212
Is that a challenge?

341
00:16:00,214 --> 00:16:02,214
I'll hit you so hard,

342
00:16:02,216 --> 00:16:06,118
it knocks the new peach fuzz
off of your danglers.

343
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,586
All right, all right, all right.

344
00:16:07,588 --> 00:16:10,489
Nobody's knocking anything
off anybody's danglers.

345
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:13,192
And shame on you people
for making me say that.

346
00:16:13,194 --> 00:16:14,960
Now everybody just sit down.

347
00:16:14,962 --> 00:16:18,263
No, please let them fight.
Please, please, let them fight.

348
00:16:18,265 --> 00:16:20,732
Oh, you're just trying
to push me into a fight

349
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,201
with an old man so I look like a fool.

350
00:16:22,203 --> 00:16:24,603
Yes. Yes, I am.

351
00:16:24,605 --> 00:16:26,805
Well, maybe I should kick your ass!

352
00:16:26,807 --> 00:16:29,041
Nolan, Nolan.

353
00:16:29,043 --> 00:16:30,809
Get back in your chair.

354
00:16:30,811 --> 00:16:33,378
I am not gonna allow you
to physicalize your aggression.

355
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:34,880
Physicalize this.

356
00:16:38,318 --> 00:16:41,119
All right. That just happened.

357
00:16:43,423 --> 00:16:46,291
Nolan, don't go.
We need to talk about this.

358
00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:49,528
Okay, this might be
last night's Molly talking,

359
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:53,047
but is everybody as turned on
by that guy as I am?

360
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,535
There you are.

361
00:17:03,537 --> 00:17:06,505
Hey, I just needed a minute to think.

362
00:17:06,507 --> 00:17:08,140
I was gonna call you.

363
00:17:08,142 --> 00:17:10,475
I don't understand. Why did
my fantasy freak you out?

364
00:17:10,477 --> 00:17:13,211
Three reasons... Eugene, Joey,

365
00:17:13,213 --> 00:17:16,648
and I don't even know
what the other kid's name was.

366
00:17:16,650 --> 00:17:18,817
( Sighs )
Look, Jordan, I like you a lot.

367
00:17:18,819 --> 00:17:22,687
I do, but, you know, I don't know if
I want the marriage and kids stuff.

368
00:17:22,689 --> 00:17:24,623
And you obviously do.

369
00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:26,091
What?

370
00:17:26,093 --> 00:17:30,285
It was a sexual fantasy,
Sean, not a life fantasy.

371
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:31,936
You wanted to be The Lone Ranger,

372
00:17:31,937 --> 00:17:33,303
does that mean that you wanna ride around

373
00:17:33,305 --> 00:17:35,004
shooting bad guys with
your Indian best friend?

374
00:17:35,006 --> 00:17:36,940
Yeah, I kinda do a little.

375
00:17:36,942 --> 00:17:38,408
And you know what?

376
00:17:38,410 --> 00:17:40,877
That is very different from you
pretending to be a mom when...

377
00:17:40,879 --> 00:17:42,345
- Oh, don't say it.
- ... We both know that...

378
00:17:42,347 --> 00:17:43,980
Watch it.

379
00:17:43,982 --> 00:17:46,349
Your biological clock is ticking.

380
00:17:46,351 --> 00:17:48,318
You jackass.

381
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,186
When you are a single career woman,

382
00:17:50,188 --> 00:17:53,123
that world seems exotic.

383
00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:55,959
The whole point of role-playing

384
00:17:55,961 --> 00:17:58,495
is pretending to be someone you're not.

385
00:17:58,497 --> 00:18:00,296
Like if I were role-playing right now,

386
00:18:00,298 --> 00:18:02,665
I would pretend to be attracted to you.

387
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:05,101
All right. I'm sorry.

388
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:07,003
I get it. I messed up.

389
00:18:07,005 --> 00:18:09,906
Yeah, that's too bad

390
00:18:09,908 --> 00:18:12,375
because my housewife character
was really into

391
00:18:12,377 --> 00:18:14,244
that thing you've been wanting me to do.

392
00:18:14,246 --> 00:18:16,346
Like, really into it.

393
00:18:16,348 --> 00:18:19,115
Well, we should go do it.

394
00:18:19,117 --> 00:18:21,551
It's too late. She's a single mom now

395
00:18:21,553 --> 00:18:23,953
and she's been getting it
regularly from the pool boy.

396
00:18:25,489 --> 00:18:28,691
Can I be the pool boy?

397
00:18:28,693 --> 00:18:30,160
We'll see.

398
00:18:33,297 --> 00:18:34,831
I can't imagine where Nolan is.

399
00:18:34,833 --> 00:18:36,966
I mean, Lacey, you've been
walking around the neighborhood.

400
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:38,902
- And, Patrick, you went to his
apartment, right? - He wasn't there.

401
00:18:38,904 --> 00:18:40,603
Where did you look, Ed?

402
00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:43,072
Oh, I sat out on the porch
in case he came back,

403
00:18:43,074 --> 00:18:44,741
but I don't think he did.

404
00:18:44,743 --> 00:18:46,609
You don't think he did?

405
00:18:46,611 --> 00:18:49,846
Well, I fell asleep, okay?
What do you want from me?

406
00:18:49,848 --> 00:18:53,683
The ability to stay awake
for 30 minutes.

407
00:18:53,685 --> 00:18:57,554
If I can't do it behind the
wheel, I can't do it here.

408
00:18:59,089 --> 00:19:01,558
Maybe he went to the gym
to stay all pumped up

409
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,626
like he was when he was here.

410
00:19:03,628 --> 00:19:05,695
God, I miss him so much.

411
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:09,032
I know how we can catch him.

412
00:19:09,034 --> 00:19:11,501
We leave a lit joint
at the end of the driveway,

413
00:19:11,503 --> 00:19:13,983
we watch from the windows
so as not to spook him.

414
00:19:14,872 --> 00:19:16,906
Wait, we haven't checked the roof yet.

415
00:19:16,908 --> 00:19:19,342
- Why would he be on the roof?
- Whenever he gets upset,

416
00:19:19,344 --> 00:19:21,711
he goes up to the roof
of our building to think.

417
00:19:21,713 --> 00:19:23,112
I know how to get him down.

418
00:19:23,114 --> 00:19:25,281
I can strip down to my underwear
and stand in the front yard.

419
00:19:25,283 --> 00:19:26,749
I'm prepared to do that.

420
00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:28,685
Yeah, sorry, Lacey,

421
00:19:28,687 --> 00:19:30,220
but according to the
homeowners association,

422
00:19:30,222 --> 00:19:32,422
no more half-naked women
in the front yard.

423
00:19:32,424 --> 00:19:34,390
It was aimed at the crazy
old lady on the corner,

424
00:19:34,392 --> 00:19:36,633
but now I'm paying the price.

425
00:19:39,597 --> 00:19:42,565
Hey, Nolan. Whatcha doing?

426
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,367
Just talking to that pigeon.

427
00:19:44,369 --> 00:19:46,870
I recognize him from
the roof of my building.

428
00:19:46,872 --> 00:19:50,673
You mean the gray one with the
beak and all the feathers?

429
00:19:50,675 --> 00:19:53,109
Looks like every other
pigeon I've ever seen?

430
00:19:53,111 --> 00:19:55,144
Yeah, that's Joe.

431
00:19:57,303 --> 00:20:00,583
He wants an apology because I
yelled at him this morning.

432
00:20:00,585 --> 00:20:03,019
I told him he's doing
nothing with his life.

433
00:20:03,021 --> 00:20:05,154
Well, he's a pigeon.

434
00:20:05,156 --> 00:20:07,724
A lot of big companies
won't even let them interview.

435
00:20:11,195 --> 00:20:13,429
So let's talk about you punching me.

436
00:20:13,431 --> 00:20:16,366
Yeah. I feel really bad about that.

437
00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:19,569
You don't have to feel bad.
You just lost control.

438
00:20:19,571 --> 00:20:21,504
That's not what I feel bad about.

439
00:20:21,506 --> 00:20:23,806
I feel bad because
I really, really liked it.

440
00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:26,743
Well, of course you liked it.

441
00:20:26,745 --> 00:20:29,145
For the first time in your life,
you got to express your anger.

442
00:20:29,147 --> 00:20:32,115
Now we just have to work on time and
place and the appropriate amount.

443
00:20:32,117 --> 00:20:34,517
Okay, but now that I know
how good it feels,

444
00:20:34,519 --> 00:20:36,486
I don't think I can control it.

445
00:20:36,488 --> 00:20:39,989
Well, I think you're gonna
learn real quick.

446
00:20:39,991 --> 00:20:42,392
- Punch me again.
- What?

447
00:20:42,394 --> 00:20:44,594
Yeah. Give me a good
punch right in the arm.

448
00:20:44,596 --> 00:20:46,930
- It'll help you.
- Okay.

449
00:20:52,202 --> 00:20:54,370
Ow!

450
00:20:54,372 --> 00:20:58,107
- Why did you do that? - Because you
can't just go around punching people.

451
00:20:58,109 --> 00:21:00,810
There's consequences
to acting out your anger.

452
00:21:00,812 --> 00:21:02,772
- Now hit me again.
- I don't want to.

453
00:21:04,348 --> 00:21:08,685
See? You've learned how to control
your anger. Congratulations.

454
00:21:08,687 --> 00:21:10,186
Wow.

455
00:21:10,188 --> 00:21:12,488
That's what anger management is.

456
00:21:12,490 --> 00:21:15,558
We're learning how to manage our anger.

457
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,461
That's what that
group thing is all about.

458
00:21:18,463 --> 00:21:20,496
Yes, Nolan.

459
00:21:20,498 --> 00:21:22,953
That's what that
group thing is all about.

460
00:21:23,681 --> 00:21:28,681
Sync and corrections by addic7ed.com