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So yesterday, I was giving a eulogy
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for the first gal I ever slept with.
3
00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:06,958
Sorry, Ed.
4
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,895
Was this a close cousin?
5
00:00:09,897 --> 00:00:13,131
Hey, hey, Ed just lost someone
that he cared about
6
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and he's going through
a tough time right now.
7
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Tell us how you're feeling, Ed.
8
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Sad...
9
00:00:18,539 --> 00:00:20,906
that people knew I slept with her.
10
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It was an open casket
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and she looked like hell.
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But I made sure during the eulogy
13
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that people knew
that when I slept with her,
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she was a fine-looking woman.
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I'm sure that was a great
comfort to her family.
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Anybody got anything else
they want to talk about?
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Yeah, if you know anybody
who might want to rent a limo,
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00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:45,096
here,
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00:00:45,098 --> 00:00:47,132
I got new business cards.
20
00:00:50,971 --> 00:00:55,473
"Nolan Johnson, limo driver ordinaire."
21
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Yeah, it's French for ordinary.
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That's a great picture of you, Nolan.
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- Thanks.
- It's Matthew McConaughey.
24
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Why do you have him
on your business card?
25
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Because it says award-winning service
26
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and I don't have an Oscar.
27
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All right, all right, all right.
28
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You know, you should give
one of these to Sean.
29
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He gives kickbacks to limo drivers
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who bring guys to his strip club.
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Cool. This handing out cards thing
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is already way better
than my old business plan.
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You mean sitting home alone
doing absolutely nothing?
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Yeah. I even tried sleeping till noon.
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Nada.
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I have something, too.
37
00:01:33,614 --> 00:01:35,464
I'd like to apologize to everyone
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for wearing the same outfit
I wore three months ago.
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Well, thank you for finally saying
what none of us were thinking.
40
00:01:42,522 --> 00:01:45,423
- Still having money problems?
- Yeah, I'm totally broke.
41
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I barely have any food to eat and
my electricity just got cut off.
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I'm sorry. I didn't realize
it had gotten that bad.
43
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No, it's great.
The worse my situation gets,
44
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,034
the sooner my dad's gonna break and
give me back my big allowance.
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Quit depending on your daddy
for money already
46
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and marry some dot-com billionaire.
47
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I am proud of you, Ed.
I thought for sure
48
00:02:03,477 --> 00:02:05,377
you were going to say
"dot-head billionaire."
49
00:02:05,379 --> 00:02:09,281
I didn't say that? Damn it.
50
00:02:09,283 --> 00:02:12,183
Lacey, you shouldn't have
to depend on anybody.
51
00:02:12,185 --> 00:02:14,619
You should start taking
responsibility for your own life.
52
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I am. I'm the one taking selfies
to make my dad feel guilty.
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If somebody else was taking them,
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they'd be called somebody-elsies.
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Oh, wait. Somebody-elsies.
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I think I just invented something.
57
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Yes, it's called taking pictures.
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All right, Lacey. We're gonna talk
about this some more next week.
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Fine, by then I'll be in a better mood
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00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,976
'cause I'll have
all that money from my dad.
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00:02:37,978 --> 00:02:40,278
Okay. I'm gonna go into the kitchen now
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00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,181
and scream into a dishrag.
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See you all next week.
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00:02:49,056 --> 00:02:50,839
Oh, hey.
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00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,623
Hey, um, can you initial
those papers on the counter?
66
00:02:52,626 --> 00:02:54,559
It's just a routine
department head sign-off.
67
00:02:54,561 --> 00:02:56,628
Those prisoners have already
been approved for early release.
68
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:59,464
Wait a minute. This savage?
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00:02:59,466 --> 00:03:02,267
This murderer? This psychopath?
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00:03:03,303 --> 00:03:05,236
There you go.
71
00:03:06,606 --> 00:03:08,173
Can I get your opinion on something?
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Sure.
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What if I get Lacey's father
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00:03:11,511 --> 00:03:13,445
to tell her that he's broke?
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00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:15,447
That way she finally has to get
serious about finding a career.
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00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:17,315
That's a horrible idea.
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00:03:17,317 --> 00:03:19,217
Lying to your patients
never leads to anything good.
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Great. I'm gonna do it.
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00:03:21,154 --> 00:03:23,555
What? Then why'd you ask me?
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00:03:23,557 --> 00:03:26,725
Sometimes you just have
to hear stuff out loud.
81
00:03:26,727 --> 00:03:29,527
When you're not here,
I talk to that fridge.
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00:03:29,529 --> 00:03:31,763
It likes all my ideas, gives me ice,
83
00:03:31,765 --> 00:03:34,199
and it keeps stuff cold.
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00:03:34,201 --> 00:03:36,134
Hey, that's cold, too.
85
00:03:36,136 --> 00:03:38,103
Anger Management 2x80
Charlie and Lacey Go For Broke
86
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,563
Can I offer you some tea?
87
00:03:43,565 --> 00:03:46,199
Why? Because I'm Indian
and all Indians drink tea?
88
00:03:46,201 --> 00:03:47,500
Maybe I want a beer.
89
00:03:47,502 --> 00:03:50,136
I'm sorry. I'll get you a beer.
90
00:03:50,138 --> 00:03:52,905
No, I do want to have a tea.
91
00:03:54,242 --> 00:03:56,342
But I can't ask for it now.
92
00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:59,946
I've trapped myself in my
own ethnic defensiveness.
93
00:04:01,049 --> 00:04:02,281
I'll have a Coke.
94
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,488
So will you do it, Sanjay?
95
00:04:09,490 --> 00:04:11,490
Telling Lacey that you've
lost the family fortune
96
00:04:11,492 --> 00:04:13,192
is the best thing for her.
97
00:04:13,194 --> 00:04:15,294
I just need a couple of months
to get her on her feet.
98
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:18,064
Hasn't she suffered enough?
I got a picture of her
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00:04:18,066 --> 00:04:20,199
sharing a sandwich with a homeless man.
100
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:23,521
She looked so sad, she could
barely make a kissy-face selfie.
101
00:04:24,873 --> 00:04:26,205
Man, she's playing you
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00:04:26,207 --> 00:04:29,041
like one of those
big Indian guitar things.
103
00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:31,878
- A sitar?
- No, I don't think so.
104
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,880
- A big Indian guitar?
- Yeah.
105
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:36,949
That's a sitar. - Okay,
we'll look it up later.
106
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,453
Anyway, that's how she's playing you.
107
00:04:42,390 --> 00:04:45,124
All right, I'll do it.
108
00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:46,926
Thank you.
109
00:04:46,928 --> 00:04:48,895
And just for that, I'll take your word
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and we'll say it's a sitar.
111
00:04:57,405 --> 00:04:59,071
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
112
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I just got into a fight
with a homeless guy
113
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,009
who was trying to keep the
sandwich I was only using
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00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:06,091
to take a picture that I was
gonna send to my... Dad.
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00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,681
Hello, Lacey.
116
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,050
What are you doing here?
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00:05:11,052 --> 00:05:13,986
Uh, that's why I called you, Lacey.
118
00:05:13,988 --> 00:05:15,321
Your father has something to tell you
119
00:05:15,322 --> 00:05:16,655
and he wanted your therapist
here for support.
120
00:05:16,658 --> 00:05:20,359
It's not good news.
121
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:22,162
What do you... what do you
mean, not good news?
122
00:05:22,163 --> 00:05:26,299
What's not good news? What does that mean?
What do you mean?
123
00:05:26,301 --> 00:05:28,200
Take it away, Sanjay.
124
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:31,404
Your mother and I have
made some bad investments
125
00:05:31,406 --> 00:05:34,707
and now we only have enough money
for her and myself to live on.
126
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:37,510
The family fortune is gone.
127
00:05:37,512 --> 00:05:39,345
What do you mean, gone?
128
00:05:39,347 --> 00:05:43,282
Like there's only $20
million left or something?
129
00:05:43,284 --> 00:05:45,318
Lacey, I think what your
father is trying to tell you
130
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,286
is that you're on your own.
131
00:05:47,288 --> 00:05:50,589
Wait. Daddy, what the
hell did you invest in?
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00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:53,459
Tell her, Sanjay.
133
00:05:53,461 --> 00:05:56,495
It seems we made some
ill-advised investments
134
00:05:56,497 --> 00:05:59,999
in an extensive line of
cricket-themed sports bars.
135
00:06:01,596 --> 00:06:03,636
Turns out Americans don't
even know what cricket is.
136
00:06:03,638 --> 00:06:06,272
People assumed they were just...
137
00:06:06,274 --> 00:06:09,675
bars riddled with insects.
138
00:06:09,677 --> 00:06:12,345
So what you're saying is...
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00:06:14,349 --> 00:06:17,049
I'm... I'm poor.
140
00:06:17,051 --> 00:06:19,385
I'm so poor.
141
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:23,189
Charlie, I'm a bit concerned.
142
00:06:23,191 --> 00:06:25,191
Don't be. Don't be.
We see this all the time.
143
00:06:25,193 --> 00:06:27,159
I want to die!
144
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:34,066
She's doing great.
145
00:06:36,137 --> 00:06:38,338
Frankly, I'd be worried
if we weren't seeing this.
146
00:06:42,082 --> 00:06:44,247
So you went and told Lacey
her father was broke?
147
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,160
And how long was she hysterical?
148
00:06:46,162 --> 00:06:48,262
About an hour.
149
00:06:48,264 --> 00:06:51,031
Then she made this
high-pitched squeal like...
150
00:06:51,033 --> 00:06:53,167
have you ever stepped on a Chihuahua
151
00:06:53,169 --> 00:06:54,902
and then taken all its money?
152
00:06:54,904 --> 00:06:56,870
Huh.
153
00:06:56,872 --> 00:06:59,840
So you lie to your patients
and you step on dogs.
154
00:06:59,842 --> 00:07:01,909
You're a terrible person.
155
00:07:01,911 --> 00:07:04,311
But it worked. After she
finally calmed down,
156
00:07:04,313 --> 00:07:07,081
she agreed to come over today and
let me help her find a career path.
157
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:09,783
She did? - So I think
somebody owes somebody
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00:07:09,785 --> 00:07:12,720
an "I'm sorry, Charlie."
159
00:07:12,722 --> 00:07:15,823
You would be the first somebody,
I would be the Charlie.
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00:07:15,825 --> 00:07:17,758
Hey, everybody.
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00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,728
Oh, hey. Great news. I found some great
job opportunities online for you.
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00:07:20,730 --> 00:07:23,230
Oh, thanks, but I don't
need a career anymore.
163
00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:26,233
I have my money problem solved.
Sweetheart?
164
00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:28,802
Coming!
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00:07:28,804 --> 00:07:32,272
Everybody, this is my fiancé Dudley.
166
00:07:32,274 --> 00:07:35,909
- Your fiancé?
- And you must be Charlie.
167
00:07:37,213 --> 00:07:41,415
And you must be his
devil-may-care assistant
168
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:44,818
in search of a sexual awakening.
169
00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:48,489
Dudley proposed to me
last night on his boat.
170
00:07:48,491 --> 00:07:51,358
Well, technically it's not a boat.
171
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,528
It's a 200-foot yacht.
172
00:07:54,530 --> 00:07:56,764
But the only boat
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00:07:56,766 --> 00:07:59,166
this one needs to know about
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00:07:59,168 --> 00:08:01,435
is a motorboat.
175
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:03,170
Brr-rr-brr-rr!
176
00:08:05,274 --> 00:08:06,807
He seems nice.
177
00:08:09,311 --> 00:08:10,978
All right, here's the deal.
178
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,813
Now, when you're picking up
guys from the airport
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00:08:12,815 --> 00:08:15,015
or hotels, you just talk up the club.
180
00:08:15,017 --> 00:08:17,251
For every guy that you bring
in here, you get 20 bucks.
181
00:08:17,253 --> 00:08:19,887
I don't know. Usually when people
want to go to a strip club,
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00:08:19,889 --> 00:08:22,055
I send them to Girls Girls Girls.
183
00:08:22,057 --> 00:08:24,391
Yeah, but see, we're so
much more than girls.
184
00:08:24,393 --> 00:08:27,494
We have food here also. We have
these incredible boneless wings.
185
00:08:27,496 --> 00:08:29,496
Usually when people want wings,
186
00:08:29,498 --> 00:08:31,498
I send them to Wings Wings Wings.
187
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:34,301
Okay, well, where do they
go for wings and girls?
188
00:08:34,303 --> 00:08:38,038
That place on Oxnard. You know,
Girls Girls Girls and Wings.
189
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,308
Yeah, that place is really good.
190
00:08:41,310 --> 00:08:43,177
They give you the moist towelettes
before you touch the girls.
191
00:08:43,179 --> 00:08:45,145
We got to add that.
192
00:08:45,147 --> 00:08:47,881
All right, 30 bucks.
193
00:08:47,883 --> 00:08:50,050
- Okay. - Yeah?
All right, I have a meeting to get to.
194
00:08:50,052 --> 00:08:51,985
Just do me a favor...
sit down with the girls
195
00:08:51,987 --> 00:08:54,054
and get to know them so you can
talk them up to your passengers.
196
00:08:54,056 --> 00:08:56,557
Got it.
197
00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:59,059
Hi, I'm Nolan
198
00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:02,863
and I'm gonna be promoting
the club in my limo.
199
00:09:02,865 --> 00:09:04,298
Hi, I'm Jade.
200
00:09:06,035 --> 00:09:07,968
You remind me of my mom.
201
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:11,338
She used to sit around
in her underwear, too.
202
00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:13,473
And you remind me of my kid.
203
00:09:13,475 --> 00:09:15,075
She has that haircut, too.
204
00:09:16,979 --> 00:09:20,047
And my name's not really Jade.
It's Agnes.
205
00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:23,183
Wow. You're a mom? You're too young.
206
00:09:23,185 --> 00:09:26,453
I'm 30. The lights in here make
you look about 10 years younger.
207
00:09:26,455 --> 00:09:28,889
- How old is your kid?
- She's eight.
208
00:09:28,891 --> 00:09:31,425
So if you brought her in
under these lights,
209
00:09:31,427 --> 00:09:33,493
she'd disappear?
210
00:09:36,031 --> 00:09:38,866
Why are you laughing?
I'm supposed to ask questions.
211
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:43,637
Everyone loves pop-up ads.
212
00:09:43,639 --> 00:09:45,606
They're effective.
213
00:09:45,608 --> 00:09:47,941
They're informative.
214
00:09:47,943 --> 00:09:51,979
The problem is you can get
rid of them too easily.
215
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:55,582
So I've invented
a new kind of pop-up ad.
216
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:58,919
One without the X in the corner.
217
00:09:58,921 --> 00:10:03,156
You can't erase them
from your computer screen.
218
00:10:03,158 --> 00:10:04,524
Ever.
219
00:10:04,526 --> 00:10:07,227
You shut down, you reboot,
220
00:10:07,229 --> 00:10:09,630
they're still there.
221
00:10:09,632 --> 00:10:11,932
That's horrible.
222
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:15,402
Tell that to the millions
in my bank account.
223
00:10:15,404 --> 00:10:17,137
Ha, ha!
224
00:10:20,042 --> 00:10:22,476
Wish there was an X on the
corner of him right now.
225
00:10:22,478 --> 00:10:26,179
Look, I'm under no illusions
226
00:10:26,181 --> 00:10:28,582
why Lacey loves me.
227
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:32,019
It's because of the bulge in my pants.
228
00:10:33,489 --> 00:10:36,156
I'm referring, of course,
229
00:10:36,158 --> 00:10:38,025
to my wallet.
230
00:10:39,561 --> 00:10:41,528
That's ridiculous.
231
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:44,264
I love your beautiful laugh
232
00:10:44,266 --> 00:10:48,535
and the way I can't see your eyes.
233
00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:51,705
Hey, Lacey, would you help me grab
some refreshments in the kitchen?
234
00:10:51,707 --> 00:10:54,141
You can't leave me alone with him.
235
00:10:54,143 --> 00:10:56,703
What's that, Jordan? You want
to hear more about pop-up ads?
236
00:10:57,513 --> 00:10:59,112
You're welcome.
237
00:11:04,119 --> 00:11:06,586
So...
238
00:11:06,588 --> 00:11:09,222
have you always been disgusting?
239
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,560
I can't let you marry this guy, Lacey.
240
00:11:13,562 --> 00:11:16,096
You're not gonna stand
between me and true love.
241
00:11:16,098 --> 00:11:20,100
No, but I am gonna stand between
you and this evil troll.
242
00:11:20,102 --> 00:11:22,169
And this isn't love.
I know when you're in love.
243
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:24,404
I've seen the way you look at shoes.
244
00:11:24,406 --> 00:11:27,107
All right, so what? So I'm
marrying him for his money.
245
00:11:27,109 --> 00:11:30,744
Well, there's nothing wrong with
that as long as it's a lot of money.
246
00:11:30,746 --> 00:11:33,146
Why do you need to marry anybody?
247
00:11:33,148 --> 00:11:35,482
You can take care of yourself.
You have so much potential.
248
00:11:35,484 --> 00:11:38,485
Please, I can't keep a job for
more than a couple of months.
249
00:11:38,487 --> 00:11:40,420
I don't have any skills.
250
00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:42,723
Plus I steal.
251
00:11:42,725 --> 00:11:44,725
But you can't give up on yourself.
252
00:11:44,727 --> 00:11:47,995
I have no other options, Charlie.
253
00:11:47,997 --> 00:11:50,330
Rich guys don't want someone like me.
254
00:11:50,332 --> 00:11:52,332
I'm almost 30.
255
00:11:52,334 --> 00:11:54,634
Every year newer, younger,
256
00:11:54,636 --> 00:11:57,404
more racially ambiguous
women come along.
257
00:11:57,406 --> 00:12:00,007
I can't compete with them.
258
00:12:00,009 --> 00:12:02,142
There, there, there.
259
00:12:02,144 --> 00:12:03,777
Guys don't care how old you are.
260
00:12:03,779 --> 00:12:06,680
When was the last time
you dated someone your age?
261
00:12:08,283 --> 00:12:11,618
There, there, there. Something else.
262
00:12:13,655 --> 00:12:16,123
Dudley is my last chance,
263
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:19,292
so please don't blow
this for me. Please.
264
00:12:19,294 --> 00:12:21,361
Well, I'm bored.
265
00:12:22,798 --> 00:12:25,799
Your friend's pretending to be dead,
266
00:12:25,801 --> 00:12:28,435
but I ain't buying it.
267
00:12:30,305 --> 00:12:32,072
Just how rich is he?
268
00:12:35,352 --> 00:12:38,653
Hey, Sean, it's Nolan. I'm
bringing four guys to the club.
269
00:12:38,655 --> 00:12:40,322
I told them about
the wings and the girls,
270
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,290
but I got kind of confused,
271
00:12:42,292 --> 00:12:44,526
so one of them might want
to dip the girls in sauce.
272
00:12:44,528 --> 00:12:46,228
Bye.
273
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:48,797
So these strippers are pretty hot, then?
274
00:12:48,799 --> 00:12:49,965
Oh, they are so hot.
275
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:51,900
There's this one named Jade.
276
00:12:51,902 --> 00:12:53,969
She's this incredible blonde
with real boobs.
277
00:12:53,971 --> 00:12:55,804
- Ah!
- Whoo!
278
00:12:55,806 --> 00:12:58,740
Actually, her real name is Agnes.
279
00:12:58,742 --> 00:13:01,409
You should get a dance from her,
'cause she really needs the money.
280
00:13:01,411 --> 00:13:03,612
She's got a kid with scoliosis
281
00:13:03,614 --> 00:13:06,855
and she's got to support her
mother who has Alzheimer's.
282
00:13:07,884 --> 00:13:10,952
That's really sad, dude.
283
00:13:10,954 --> 00:13:14,823
There's also Tori. She's so exotic.
284
00:13:14,825 --> 00:13:17,959
Half Asian, half Latina
with a rocking body.
285
00:13:17,961 --> 00:13:20,929
Dibs on Tori.
286
00:13:20,931 --> 00:13:23,732
Yeah, she's a child of abuse.
287
00:13:25,269 --> 00:13:27,369
And she's got a really cool tattoo
288
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,838
that almost covers
that nasty C-section scar.
289
00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:35,577
Can you just take us back to the hotel?
290
00:13:35,579 --> 00:13:38,613
I don't really feel
like going out anymore.
291
00:13:38,615 --> 00:13:41,816
Are you sure? I haven't even
told you about Tiffany.
292
00:13:41,818 --> 00:13:45,420
She's in a great mood because
today is her last day of chemo.
293
00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,959
Oh, hey. What are you doing here?
294
00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:52,727
I'm meeting Lacey's fiancé.
295
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:54,829
I'm gonna try to scare
him into leaving her.
296
00:13:54,831 --> 00:13:56,698
You're wasting your time.
297
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:59,467
Nothing can scare Gollum
away from his precious.
298
00:14:01,305 --> 00:14:02,871
Guess who.
299
00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:05,707
This is tough.
300
00:14:05,709 --> 00:14:07,842
A lot of people have that voice.
301
00:14:09,546 --> 00:14:12,314
Oh, I misunderstood.
302
00:14:12,316 --> 00:14:15,483
This is BYOB.
303
00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:18,019
Bring your own blonde.
304
00:14:19,589 --> 00:14:22,324
I guess we'll have to share.
305
00:14:23,527 --> 00:14:26,061
I really want to smack you,
306
00:14:26,063 --> 00:14:28,797
but if I did, I wouldn't
know how to stop.
307
00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:30,432
So I'm gonna go.
308
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,670
Lesbians.
309
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:41,943
They say they take up
5% of the population,
310
00:14:41,945 --> 00:14:45,513
but in my experience, it's more like 90.
311
00:14:48,485 --> 00:14:51,686
So, why am I here?
312
00:14:51,688 --> 00:14:53,888
Well, I barely know you,
so I thought I would just
313
00:14:53,890 --> 00:14:57,659
buy you a drink and wish you
and Lacey all the best.
314
00:14:57,661 --> 00:14:59,961
So, to you.
315
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:05,734
You are a better man than I am.
316
00:15:05,736 --> 00:15:08,069
Well, I agree.
317
00:15:08,071 --> 00:15:10,438
But what do you mean?
318
00:15:12,576 --> 00:15:14,442
Well, I'm her therapist,
so I'm not allowed
319
00:15:14,444 --> 00:15:17,545
to divulge any information,
but between you and me,
320
00:15:17,547 --> 00:15:19,748
I would keep a first aid
kit next to the bed.
321
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:21,616
For what?
322
00:15:21,618 --> 00:15:24,719
I mean, after all the crazy sex
323
00:15:24,721 --> 00:15:26,888
Lacey and I will be having,
324
00:15:26,890 --> 00:15:29,023
all we'll really need
325
00:15:29,025 --> 00:15:32,527
is a bag of frozen peas for me
326
00:15:32,529 --> 00:15:36,531
and a bottle of cranberry
juice for the lady.
327
00:15:38,602 --> 00:15:41,903
I'm just saying that I would
never sleep in the same room
328
00:15:41,905 --> 00:15:44,005
with a woman who has
that kind of a history.
329
00:15:44,007 --> 00:15:47,942
Hey, that woman is my soul mate.
330
00:15:47,944 --> 00:15:51,012
I don't care how many men
331
00:15:51,014 --> 00:15:53,715
she's had sex with.
332
00:15:53,717 --> 00:15:57,118
Do you care how many men
she's shot the balls off of?
333
00:15:58,789 --> 00:16:01,456
That I care a little about.
334
00:16:03,593 --> 00:16:05,427
Well, that only happened one time
335
00:16:05,429 --> 00:16:07,095
with her ex-boyfriend,
so you don't have worry.
336
00:16:07,097 --> 00:16:11,499
Unless you snore or walk or breathe
337
00:16:11,501 --> 00:16:13,601
or squint a lot.
338
00:16:13,603 --> 00:16:16,638
- Oh, no.
- What?
339
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,707
I snore sometimes.
340
00:16:21,178 --> 00:16:23,445
Well, good luck.
341
00:16:26,933 --> 00:16:29,300
Hey, I got your message.
Where's the group of guys?
342
00:16:29,302 --> 00:16:31,469
I don't know what happened.
I was talking up the club,
343
00:16:31,471 --> 00:16:33,538
the boneless wings, the hot girls,
344
00:16:33,540 --> 00:16:35,440
especially Gina who I said looks great
345
00:16:35,442 --> 00:16:37,842
after all those skin grafts
from the burns.
346
00:16:37,844 --> 00:16:40,712
Nolan, you talked about the
strippers' personal lives.
347
00:16:40,714 --> 00:16:43,314
Yeah. Did you know Adina has arthritis?
348
00:16:43,316 --> 00:16:45,450
She has to take massive
amounts of ibuprofen
349
00:16:45,452 --> 00:16:47,518
just to swing around the pole.
350
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,687
No, I didn't know any of that.
351
00:16:49,689 --> 00:16:51,723
- Crap.
- What's the matter?
352
00:16:51,725 --> 00:16:54,459
Now I feel bad for them.
353
00:16:54,461 --> 00:16:56,661
I can't think of them as sexy cop
354
00:16:56,663 --> 00:16:58,363
or naughty schoolgirl
355
00:16:58,365 --> 00:17:00,698
or Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."
356
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,667
And that is why slutty Dorothy
357
00:17:02,669 --> 00:17:04,035
couldn't pick up Toto last night.
358
00:17:04,037 --> 00:17:06,004
She has arthritis.
359
00:17:07,641 --> 00:17:09,707
You know that dog has a tumor?
360
00:17:11,278 --> 00:17:14,445
Will you stop? What is so important?
361
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:16,281
I'm hoping to get a freaked-out text
362
00:17:16,283 --> 00:17:17,615
from Lacey saying that Dudley left her.
363
00:17:17,617 --> 00:17:18,916
I don't know if I scared him off or not.
364
00:17:18,918 --> 00:17:20,985
What if you didn't?
365
00:17:20,987 --> 00:17:23,321
Then I'm out of options.
366
00:17:23,323 --> 00:17:26,491
I'll just have to tell Lacey that I lied
to her about her family being broke.
367
00:17:26,493 --> 00:17:28,293
Unless...
368
00:17:29,329 --> 00:17:30,795
Unless what?
369
00:17:30,797 --> 00:17:33,031
I don't know. I thought
if I said unless...
370
00:17:33,033 --> 00:17:35,353
you'd fill it in with a great idea.
371
00:17:36,903 --> 00:17:38,770
You know what I could do?
372
00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:40,471
Are you doing it again?
373
00:17:40,473 --> 00:17:43,574
Yes. You're really
dropping the ball here.
374
00:17:45,445 --> 00:17:47,912
Oh, my God, Charlie. My life is over.
375
00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:49,847
Dudley just broke up with me.
376
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:51,749
Oh, that's terrible.
377
00:17:51,751 --> 00:17:54,452
But that's the kind
of decision that people make
378
00:17:54,454 --> 00:17:58,723
all on their own without any
outside influence whatsoever.
379
00:17:58,725 --> 00:18:00,491
- What?
- Doesn't matter.
380
00:18:00,493 --> 00:18:03,761
Just, please, tell us what happened.
381
00:18:03,763 --> 00:18:06,798
He just ran out for no reason.
382
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,900
Hey, Dudley, have you seen my scissors?
383
00:18:08,902 --> 00:18:11,536
I want to cut the tags off the
new things you bought me.
384
00:18:14,541 --> 00:18:16,407
Whatever. I'll just use a knife.
385
00:18:19,379 --> 00:18:21,379
Hey, Dudley.
386
00:18:21,381 --> 00:18:23,548
- Wake up.
- What?
387
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:24,782
You were snoring.
388
00:18:28,855 --> 00:18:30,388
And then he ran out.
389
00:18:30,390 --> 00:18:32,757
I only woke him up
because he sounded like
390
00:18:32,759 --> 00:18:34,792
he was gonna choke on his own saliva
391
00:18:34,794 --> 00:18:36,595
and I didn't want him to die.
392
00:18:36,596 --> 00:18:39,564
I mean, not before we were married.
393
00:18:39,566 --> 00:18:42,367
You know what? You're
better off without him.
394
00:18:42,369 --> 00:18:44,035
I was worth a billion dollars with him.
395
00:18:44,037 --> 00:18:45,870
How am I better off?
396
00:18:45,872 --> 00:18:49,674
Well, off the top of my head,
your taxes are lower.
397
00:18:49,676 --> 00:18:51,976
Oh, please, I've never
paid taxes in my life.
398
00:18:51,978 --> 00:18:54,412
As long as you don't vote
or use your real name
399
00:18:54,414 --> 00:18:57,014
when you open a bank account,
they don't catch you.
400
00:18:58,084 --> 00:19:00,685
You don't vote?
401
00:19:00,687 --> 00:19:04,021
She's committing bank fraud.
You didn't hear that part?
402
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:06,824
Who cares?
403
00:19:06,826 --> 00:19:09,560
I, Jolene Samson, have nothing left.
404
00:19:11,164 --> 00:19:13,531
I don't have any money for food or rent.
405
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,434
- What do I do?
- You realize, don't you,
406
00:19:16,436 --> 00:19:18,703
that it is your civic responsibility?
407
00:19:18,705 --> 00:19:21,038
- Get out.
- Fine.
408
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,775
I'll just go explain that to
the thousands of suffragettes
409
00:19:23,777 --> 00:19:25,810
who marched in restrictive
undergarments and large hats.
410
00:19:25,812 --> 00:19:27,478
Get out.
411
00:19:29,783 --> 00:19:32,483
Look, you may not see it now,
412
00:19:32,485 --> 00:19:34,685
but I think you've learned something
really important from this.
413
00:19:34,687 --> 00:19:37,455
What, that men suck
and I can't depend on them?
414
00:19:37,457 --> 00:19:39,557
No, no, no, it's bigger than that.
415
00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:41,659
People suck.
416
00:19:41,661 --> 00:19:43,528
You can only depend on yourself.
417
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:45,830
You know what? You're right.
418
00:19:45,832 --> 00:19:49,567
I'm not gonna wait around for
anybody else to let me down.
419
00:19:49,569 --> 00:19:52,804
I'm gonna do something with
myself and earn my own money.
420
00:19:52,806 --> 00:19:54,872
That's great.
421
00:19:54,874 --> 00:19:56,674
That's exactly what I've been
waiting to hear you say.
422
00:19:58,511 --> 00:19:59,944
Coming.
423
00:20:04,584 --> 00:20:06,901
Sanjay. What the hell
are you doing here?
424
00:20:06,902 --> 00:20:09,219
I heard my daughter's marrying
some old man for his money.
425
00:20:09,222 --> 00:20:10,755
This charade has gone too far.
426
00:20:10,757 --> 00:20:12,590
No, no, no, no. Everything is fine.
427
00:20:12,592 --> 00:20:14,525
The old man ran away.
428
00:20:14,527 --> 00:20:16,194
She's got her future all figured out.
429
00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:18,729
I'm gonna start my own business.
430
00:20:18,731 --> 00:20:20,131
I don't know what it is yet,
431
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:22,200
but I'm gonna find my passion,
432
00:20:22,202 --> 00:20:24,569
create a business plan, and get a loan.
433
00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:28,139
Lacey, I'm so proud of you.
I will give you that loan.
434
00:20:28,141 --> 00:20:30,007
But, Daddy, you're poor.
435
00:20:30,009 --> 00:20:31,976
Yeah, Daddy, you're poor.
436
00:20:33,246 --> 00:20:35,213
Yes, Charlie, I'm poor.
437
00:20:35,215 --> 00:20:37,815
So how will I do this?
438
00:20:37,817 --> 00:20:41,118
Do you by chance have a small
account in another country,
439
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,488
the funds of which were not touched
440
00:20:43,490 --> 00:20:45,523
by your tragic financial collapse?
441
00:20:45,525 --> 00:20:48,559
No, I don't believe so.
442
00:20:48,561 --> 00:20:50,061
Well, of course you do.
443
00:20:50,063 --> 00:20:52,964
Maybe it's called
the "Lacy is finally doing"
444
00:20:52,966 --> 00:20:55,166
something with her life
445
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:58,970
- "offshore money shelter."
- Ah, yes! I remember now.
446
00:20:58,972 --> 00:21:03,007
In fact, that's exactly why I came here.
447
00:21:03,009 --> 00:21:07,078
To tell you, Lacey, I have the fund.
448
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,847
Thank you, Daddy.
449
00:21:09,849 --> 00:21:11,716
And thank you, Charlie.
450
00:21:11,718 --> 00:21:13,084
Always a pleasure, Jolene.
451
00:21:13,086 --> 00:21:14,752
Don't forget to vote.
452
00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:19,925