1
00:00:01,243 --> 00:00:03,310
All right, let's try this one more time.
2
00:00:03,312 --> 00:00:05,345
You're supposed to write down one thing
3
00:00:05,347 --> 00:00:07,881
in your romantic relationships
that makes you angry.
4
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:10,183
I drew a picture of a blob
smoking a joint.
5
00:00:11,654 --> 00:00:15,322
Look, it's Blob Marley.
6
00:00:15,324 --> 00:00:17,357
That's very clever.
7
00:00:17,359 --> 00:00:19,910
So was Buzzed Lightyear and Woody,
8
00:00:19,912 --> 00:00:22,296
which was just a picture
of Woody Harrelson.
9
00:00:23,532 --> 00:00:25,432
Can we please get serious now?
10
00:00:25,434 --> 00:00:27,267
Yeah, Nolan.
11
00:00:27,269 --> 00:00:30,971
Look, it's Ed as a clown
and he's crying.
12
00:00:32,841 --> 00:00:36,009
Okay, okay, okay, no more
mean-spirited pictures.
13
00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:37,511
Ed, what do you got?
14
00:00:37,513 --> 00:00:41,181
Oh, just a couple of stick
men doing something.
15
00:00:41,183 --> 00:00:45,419
It's not you. I need an eraser.
16
00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:47,721
Okay, all right, look,
forget the boards.
17
00:00:47,723 --> 00:00:50,774
Relationships, anger...
anybody got anything?
18
00:00:50,776 --> 00:00:52,442
I have something.
19
00:00:52,444 --> 00:00:56,530
First, I wrote my name in graffiti tags.
20
00:00:56,532 --> 00:01:00,067
And second, now that Nolan
and I are a couple...
21
00:01:00,069 --> 00:01:02,569
Whoa, you guys are a couple?
22
00:01:02,571 --> 00:01:04,438
Ed, did you know about this?
23
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,790
Yeah, I was the first one they called.
24
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:09,042
They said they wanted everyone
they cared about to know.
25
00:01:09,044 --> 00:01:10,544
Really?
26
00:01:10,546 --> 00:01:14,548
No, they didn't call me
and I don't care.
27
00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:16,583
Anyway, yes, we're a thing.
28
00:01:16,585 --> 00:01:19,636
But I expected he'd want to have sex
with me right away and he doesn't.
29
00:01:19,638 --> 00:01:22,089
I told you, Lacey, I'm a romantic.
30
00:01:22,091 --> 00:01:24,024
I want to date you first before we start
31
00:01:24,026 --> 00:01:28,061
the sacred dance that is,
you know, slammin'.
32
00:01:28,063 --> 00:01:30,931
That's just beautiful, Nolan.
33
00:01:33,168 --> 00:01:35,318
This is crazy. You've wanted me for years
34
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,020
and now you have me, so why wait?
35
00:01:37,022 --> 00:01:38,572
Why would anyone wait?
36
00:01:38,574 --> 00:01:41,441
I am a strong eight in LA
37
00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:43,744
and a complete 10 everywhere else.
38
00:01:43,746 --> 00:01:46,279
Lacey, this may sound ridiculous to you,
39
00:01:46,281 --> 00:01:50,550
but people do date before they have sex.
40
00:01:50,552 --> 00:01:53,336
Okay, I've literally never done that.
41
00:01:53,338 --> 00:01:55,789
Charlie, you're 10 minutes late.
42
00:01:55,791 --> 00:01:57,958
Come on, we should be on
the road to Vegas by now.
43
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,293
Okay, everybody, our time is up.
44
00:02:00,295 --> 00:02:02,462
I'll be out of town, but
my cell phone will be on.
45
00:02:02,463 --> 00:02:05,251
Okay, just remember,
people, it's Vegas, okay?
46
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,532
So, try not to call during
peak party hours.
47
00:02:07,619 --> 00:02:10,343
Anytime between 11 and 11:15...
48
00:02:10,391 --> 00:02:13,054
...in the morning should be okay.
49
00:02:14,543 --> 00:02:16,943
All right, all I have to go do is pack.
50
00:02:16,945 --> 00:02:19,312
Oh, no, no, no. I went upstairs.
I already did it for you.
51
00:02:19,314 --> 00:02:21,865
Okay, that's weird.
52
00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:23,950
I didn't pick out outfits.
53
00:02:23,952 --> 00:02:26,203
I just took a bunch of your stuff
and I threw it in a trash bag.
54
00:02:26,205 --> 00:02:27,954
Oh, then that's okay.
55
00:02:27,956 --> 00:02:31,741
That's the kind of disrespect
one man can show for another.
56
00:02:31,743 --> 00:02:34,544
Listen, I just want to get to Vegas and
I want to forget about Jordan, okay?
57
00:02:34,546 --> 00:02:36,496
I want to drink, I want to go crazy,
58
00:02:36,498 --> 00:02:38,665
I want to hop in bed with
some girl that I don't know,
59
00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:42,135
maybe see Penn & Teller
'cause they're awesome.
60
00:02:42,137 --> 00:02:43,837
Well, all right, then. Let's go.
61
00:02:43,839 --> 00:02:45,972
All right.
62
00:02:45,974 --> 00:02:48,308
- Surprise.
- Sasha!
63
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:50,560
Hey.
64
00:02:50,562 --> 00:02:52,813
I thought you were coming in next week.
65
00:02:52,815 --> 00:02:55,232
Yeah, I was. But my family
is coming in a few days,
66
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:57,100
so I thought I'd come early
67
00:02:57,102 --> 00:03:00,020
so I could spend some alone
time with you. Hey, Sean.
68
00:03:00,022 --> 00:03:02,155
Hey, Sasha. Charlie has
terrible news for you,
69
00:03:02,157 --> 00:03:04,798
but he's gonna text it to you from the car.
I'll grab your luggage.
70
00:03:06,745 --> 00:03:09,162
Is it a bad time? I knew I
should have called first.
71
00:03:09,164 --> 00:03:11,531
No, no, no. No. This
could be really great.
72
00:03:11,533 --> 00:03:14,835
Sean, hang on. Sasha is from Vegas.
73
00:03:14,837 --> 00:03:16,753
She could hook us up.
74
00:03:16,755 --> 00:03:19,422
That's a terrible idea. We'll
see you in a couple days, okay?
75
00:03:19,424 --> 00:03:21,508
And you might want to get Charlie
some luggage for Christmas,
76
00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:24,044
'cause this is embarrassing.
77
00:03:24,046 --> 00:03:26,379
Why don't you come with us?
We'll have a blast.
78
00:03:26,381 --> 00:03:28,014
Ignore what Sean's about to say.
79
00:03:28,016 --> 00:03:30,217
She can't come with us. It's
supposed to be a guys' weekend.
80
00:03:30,219 --> 00:03:32,302
See? You never heard that.
81
00:03:32,304 --> 00:03:35,322
I don't want to intrude.
82
00:03:35,324 --> 00:03:36,857
Are you gonna be okay?
83
00:03:36,859 --> 00:03:38,725
Well, I know what
Charlie wants me to say
84
00:03:38,727 --> 00:03:40,560
and I know what you want me
to say, but to be honest...
85
00:03:40,562 --> 00:03:43,630
He'll be fine.
86
00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:45,532
Anger Management 2x82
Charlie Rolls The Dice in Vegas
87
00:03:48,370 --> 00:03:50,570
Boy, this has really been great so far.
88
00:03:50,572 --> 00:03:52,072
We didn't get drunk on the way out here,
89
00:03:52,074 --> 00:03:54,207
we stopped five times
for Miss Jellybean Bladder,
90
00:03:54,209 --> 00:03:56,910
and I still haven't gotten laid.
91
00:03:56,912 --> 00:03:58,912
We have only been here 15 minutes
92
00:03:58,914 --> 00:04:00,664
and the doorman winked
at you suggestively,
93
00:04:00,666 --> 00:04:03,917
so don't complain about
your lack of opportunity.
94
00:04:03,919 --> 00:04:06,586
Trust me, Sean, it's gonna be fun.
95
00:04:06,588 --> 00:04:08,722
Yeah, it'll be a blast
for you and Charlie.
96
00:04:08,724 --> 00:04:11,091
( Music playing )
97
00:04:14,062 --> 00:04:15,679
And for me.
98
00:04:17,065 --> 00:04:19,266
- She put all this together?
- Yup.
99
00:04:19,268 --> 00:04:22,328
If I survive this weekend,
I owe you an apology.
100
00:04:24,782 --> 00:04:26,782
Thank you.
101
00:04:28,277 --> 00:04:31,528
Maybe I'm just emotional
because I'm watching Sean
102
00:04:31,530 --> 00:04:33,613
get swallowed up in a sea
of half-naked strippers,
103
00:04:33,615 --> 00:04:35,949
but, God, you are the best.
104
00:04:35,951 --> 00:04:37,617
( Laughs )
105
00:04:44,226 --> 00:04:45,759
Wow.
106
00:04:45,761 --> 00:04:47,794
What happened?
107
00:04:53,802 --> 00:04:55,869
Well, that's weird.
108
00:04:55,871 --> 00:04:57,604
What is?
109
00:04:57,606 --> 00:04:59,272
I got a wedding ring on.
110
00:05:00,809 --> 00:05:04,110
Holy crap, you got one on, too!
111
00:05:04,112 --> 00:05:06,896
We can't possibly be married.
112
00:05:06,898 --> 00:05:10,533
Think hard. What did we do last night?
113
00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:13,453
I got beat by an Elvis
impersonator in a go-kart race.
114
00:05:15,374 --> 00:05:19,376
We paid some bouncer 100 bucks
to have his nipples pierced.
115
00:05:19,378 --> 00:05:22,746
I rode a horse in the medieval
knights show at the Excalibur.
116
00:05:25,917 --> 00:05:28,401
And according to the state of Nevada,
117
00:05:28,403 --> 00:05:32,005
at 4:45 AM, we got
married by King Arthur.
118
00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:37,978
Oh, my God! What are we gonna do?
119
00:05:37,980 --> 00:05:40,347
Well, the first thing
we're going to do is
120
00:05:40,349 --> 00:05:42,905
take a serious look at how
much we've been drinking.
121
00:05:48,186 --> 00:05:50,169
Okay, got it. Thank you.
122
00:05:50,171 --> 00:05:52,255
Well, that was the courthouse.
123
00:05:52,257 --> 00:05:54,290
I guess so many people get
drunk and married in Vegas
124
00:05:54,292 --> 00:05:55,625
that they have a special package.
125
00:05:55,627 --> 00:05:57,460
For 20 bucks you get an annulment,
126
00:05:57,462 --> 00:05:59,679
a Bloody Mary, and a free
spin on a giant slot machine.
127
00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:03,132
Are you sure we're
doing the right thing?
128
00:06:03,134 --> 00:06:06,519
Throwing away five hours of marriage?
129
00:06:06,521 --> 00:06:08,638
Well, the fact that we didn't
have any kids in those five hours
130
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,773
makes it a little easier.
131
00:06:10,775 --> 00:06:12,975
- We did try, though, didn't we?
- Yeah.
132
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:22,963
Now you're ready to stand
in line for an annulment.
133
00:06:23,027 --> 00:06:25,027
You know, wait. Sasha, wait.
134
00:06:26,717 --> 00:06:28,717
I don't think we belong in a line
135
00:06:28,743 --> 00:06:31,661
full of hungover people who
feel bad about what they did.
136
00:06:31,663 --> 00:06:33,329
I don't feel bad about what I did.
137
00:06:33,331 --> 00:06:36,666
So you're not freaked out
that we're married?
138
00:06:36,668 --> 00:06:40,336
No. No. In fact, I'm so not freaked out
139
00:06:40,338 --> 00:06:42,338
that it's starting to freak me out.
140
00:06:42,340 --> 00:06:44,257
What are you saying?
141
00:06:44,259 --> 00:06:46,309
I don't know.
142
00:06:46,311 --> 00:06:49,846
I just... I hate it
when you're not with me
143
00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:51,848
and I love it when you are.
144
00:06:51,850 --> 00:06:55,651
So maybe you should move in and
we'll give this thing a shot.
145
00:06:55,653 --> 00:06:58,237
Stay married?
146
00:06:58,239 --> 00:07:00,857
You think we'd do okay together?
147
00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:03,776
Well, I don't just think it.
148
00:07:03,778 --> 00:07:06,279
According to the Excalibur
wedding chapel,
149
00:07:06,281 --> 00:07:08,781
our best man Merlin foretold it.
150
00:07:11,619 --> 00:07:14,253
- So what do you say?
- I love it. I'm in.
151
00:07:14,255 --> 00:07:16,539
Well, great. Great.
152
00:07:16,541 --> 00:07:18,791
And we're already in
Vegas for our honeymoon.
153
00:07:18,793 --> 00:07:20,843
Perfect. No, wait.
154
00:07:20,845 --> 00:07:24,180
My mom and brother
are coming to LA tomorrow.
155
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,716
Do you think they could
stay at the house with us?
156
00:07:26,718 --> 00:07:29,969
Wow, in-laws. That was quick.
157
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,888
I'm fine with it, yeah.
158
00:07:31,890 --> 00:07:34,390
We should probably head
home right away, though.
159
00:07:34,392 --> 00:07:36,692
We have to hide all the alcohol in
the house before my mom shows up.
160
00:07:36,694 --> 00:07:38,227
Does she have a drinking problem?
161
00:07:38,229 --> 00:07:40,446
No, only when there's alcohol around.
162
00:07:43,735 --> 00:07:45,067
This is really nice, isn't it?
163
00:07:45,069 --> 00:07:47,320
Yeah, having a date was a great idea.
164
00:07:47,322 --> 00:07:50,456
I've really enjoyed myself. Now
let's get out of here and go do it.
165
00:07:50,458 --> 00:07:52,992
Wait a minute. We're supposed to
talk and get to know each other.
166
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,812
- That's what a date is.
- Oh, I already know everything about you.
167
00:07:55,814 --> 00:07:57,914
Oh, yeah? What's my biggest fear?
168
00:07:57,916 --> 00:07:59,832
Um, dying alone.
169
00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:01,501
You're way off. Possums.
170
00:08:01,503 --> 00:08:03,586
And zombie possums are second.
171
00:08:03,588 --> 00:08:05,505
Zombie possums?
172
00:08:05,507 --> 00:08:07,840
There is nothing scarier
than something that is dead
173
00:08:07,842 --> 00:08:10,810
pretending to be dead that
has come back from the dead.
174
00:08:10,812 --> 00:08:13,930
Okay, great. I feel so close to you now.
175
00:08:13,932 --> 00:08:16,149
Let's celebrate with sex.
176
00:08:16,151 --> 00:08:18,352
Lacey, I'm trying to connect
with you on a deeper level.
177
00:08:18,353 --> 00:08:20,536
I bet you don't even know
what my favorite color is.
178
00:08:20,538 --> 00:08:22,605
Of course I do.
179
00:08:22,607 --> 00:08:25,241
It's the color of your bedsheets.
180
00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:27,660
Sorry, "Star Wars" isn't a color.
181
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,280
This is stupid. It's just sex.
182
00:08:31,282 --> 00:08:33,866
It's not just sex. I don't want to
be another one of your boyfriends
183
00:08:33,868 --> 00:08:35,368
who only last a couple days.
184
00:08:35,370 --> 00:08:36,570
I want this to mean something.
185
00:08:52,554 --> 00:08:55,471
Hey, look at what I found in
that bag from the Excalibur.
186
00:08:55,473 --> 00:08:57,473
It's our wedding photo.
187
00:08:57,475 --> 00:08:59,475
Oh, it's beautiful.
188
00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:01,811
We should put it someplace special.
189
00:09:01,813 --> 00:09:04,480
Look, the back of Merlin's
head has a magnet on it.
190
00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:10,570
It's the start of our new life together
191
00:09:10,572 --> 00:09:12,538
and it'll hold up our grocery list.
192
00:09:14,409 --> 00:09:15,791
( Doorbell rings )
193
00:09:15,793 --> 00:09:16,959
Oh, my God. They're here.
194
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:18,711
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
195
00:09:18,713 --> 00:09:20,913
I'm fine. What exactly did
you tell them about me?
196
00:09:20,915 --> 00:09:24,166
I told them that you were
a brilliant therapist,
197
00:09:24,168 --> 00:09:26,669
a great baseball player,
and a wonderful man.
198
00:09:26,671 --> 00:09:29,151
Okay, good. Good, let's go with
that and see how long it works.
199
00:09:37,515 --> 00:09:40,650
Mom, Dex, it's so good to see you guys.
200
00:09:40,652 --> 00:09:43,185
Honey, oh.
201
00:09:43,187 --> 00:09:47,106
Oh, and you must be Charlie.
202
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:48,241
Hi.
203
00:09:48,243 --> 00:09:49,775
Well, you're gorgeous.
204
00:09:49,777 --> 00:09:52,495
Welcome to the family.
205
00:09:52,497 --> 00:09:54,030
Oh, put that thing away.
206
00:09:54,032 --> 00:09:56,198
In this family, we like to hug.
207
00:09:59,254 --> 00:10:01,454
You do more than hug, don't you?
208
00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:03,372
You smell good, too.
209
00:10:03,374 --> 00:10:06,509
Kind of like a Walmart when it
first opens in the morning.
210
00:10:06,511 --> 00:10:08,377
Thank you?
211
00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:11,547
Charlie, this is my brother.
212
00:10:11,549 --> 00:10:12,765
- Hey.
- Hey.
213
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:15,935
I'm Dex. It's like sex with a big D.
214
00:10:15,937 --> 00:10:17,970
You know your mother is right there?
215
00:10:17,972 --> 00:10:19,972
Yeah. She thought of it.
216
00:10:19,974 --> 00:10:22,558
Punch me.
217
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:25,361
- What?
- I'm a Tae Kwon Do master.
218
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:28,314
- You're not gonna hurt me.
- I don't want to punch you.
219
00:10:28,316 --> 00:10:29,899
- Just punch me.
- No.
220
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:31,567
Punch me!
221
00:10:31,569 --> 00:10:33,402
( Gasps )
I wasn't ready.
222
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:37,707
Dude, you said "punch me"
like three times.
223
00:10:37,709 --> 00:10:39,575
You were supposed to aim for my face
224
00:10:39,577 --> 00:10:41,410
and then I was gonna block it.
225
00:10:41,412 --> 00:10:44,297
You're a street fighter. That's
why you're not good at this.
226
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:47,166
You guys. If you're just
gonna horse around,
227
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:49,552
I'm gonna go get the snacks.
228
00:10:49,554 --> 00:10:52,171
You know, Dex and I were talking
229
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:54,703
on the drive down from Victorville.
230
00:10:54,743 --> 00:10:57,554
We've been kind of looking
for a reason to move to L.A.
231
00:10:57,602 --> 00:10:59,508
I think we finally found it.
232
00:10:59,556 --> 00:11:02,219
So, is there a mister... Sasha's father?
233
00:11:02,266 --> 00:11:04,667
There was, but he couldn't handle me.
234
00:11:05,349 --> 00:11:08,533
Funny, 'cause it seems like
anybody that wanted to could.
235
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,633
Damn it.
236
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,936
( Knocks )
Who is it?
237
00:11:21,938 --> 00:11:24,288
- Lacey.
- Give me a second.
238
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:27,041
I'm shaking out my hot dog.
239
00:11:27,043 --> 00:11:28,876
I've never heard a guy
call it that before,
240
00:11:28,878 --> 00:11:30,077
but okay.
241
00:11:36,853 --> 00:11:39,253
If you're just gonna try to talk
me into having sex with you,
242
00:11:39,255 --> 00:11:40,638
it's not gonna work.
243
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,474
Not so fast, Mr. Nolan Brandon Johnson.
244
00:11:43,476 --> 00:11:45,426
How'd you know my middle name?
245
00:11:45,428 --> 00:11:47,094
Oh, I know a lot of things about you.
246
00:11:47,096 --> 00:11:49,480
Like you read the Kurt Cobain biography,
247
00:11:49,482 --> 00:11:51,098
you mostly eat Fluffernutters,
248
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,516
and your favorite TV show is
249
00:11:52,518 --> 00:11:55,603
"Now That's What I Call
Funk" infomercial.
250
00:11:55,605 --> 00:11:58,022
Hey, you just read my Facebook profile.
251
00:11:58,024 --> 00:12:01,442
You don't know that. Maybe I
spoke to one of your 132 friends
252
00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:04,528
who told me that you
"like" weed and pancakes.
253
00:12:06,082 --> 00:12:08,616
No, I'm saying I think
it's really sweet.
254
00:12:08,618 --> 00:12:11,285
- Did you friend me?
- No, people can see that.
255
00:12:13,122 --> 00:12:15,422
So now that I know all
these things about you,
256
00:12:15,424 --> 00:12:16,924
we can do this, right?
257
00:12:16,926 --> 00:12:19,343
Yeah, I guess. But we got to do it right.
258
00:12:19,345 --> 00:12:21,629
Let me get some candles,
put on some music.
259
00:12:21,631 --> 00:12:24,598
I hope you like "Now That's
What I Call Funk Volume Three."
260
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,551
No, four. Wait, what's the one
with "Big Old Funky Butt" on it?
261
00:12:29,305 --> 00:12:35,943
It's volume three, but we
don't need all that stuff.
262
00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:45,653
- Wait.
- What?
263
00:12:45,655 --> 00:12:48,906
Um, you're right. We don't
know each other well enough.
264
00:12:50,209 --> 00:12:52,626
- I got to go.
- Don't go.
265
00:12:52,628 --> 00:12:54,795
( Dings )
My wiener just popped up
266
00:12:54,797 --> 00:12:57,498
and I want to share it with you.
267
00:12:57,500 --> 00:13:01,168
And, yes, I know how that sounds.
268
00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:04,388
Thank you for signing this.
269
00:13:04,390 --> 00:13:06,674
Don't worry about coming
into the office tomorrow.
270
00:13:06,676 --> 00:13:09,760
I understand your wife's
family is staying with you.
271
00:13:09,762 --> 00:13:11,679
Yeah, they're great.
272
00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:13,842
Hopefully they'll be dead by
morning and I can come in.
273
00:13:15,351 --> 00:13:17,601
Oh, Charlie, I'm sure
you're exaggerating.
274
00:13:17,603 --> 00:13:19,486
No, no, no. It says right on the poison
275
00:13:19,488 --> 00:13:21,438
"guaranteed to work overnight."
276
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,524
Sorry, buddy.
277
00:13:23,526 --> 00:13:25,593
When you marry someone,
you marry their family.
278
00:13:25,595 --> 00:13:27,328
I know, and that's my problem.
279
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:28,662
If I tell Sasha
I don't want them around,
280
00:13:28,664 --> 00:13:30,247
then she's never gonna
want to see me again.
281
00:13:30,249 --> 00:13:32,249
Well, then you need to make it work.
282
00:13:32,251 --> 00:13:35,002
You stood up and made
a commitment to this woman
283
00:13:35,004 --> 00:13:37,121
before God and a guy in a wizard hat.
284
00:13:38,661 --> 00:13:41,342
The least you could do is try to
find something you like about them.
285
00:13:41,344 --> 00:13:43,878
I challenge you to try.
286
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,763
Fine. Introduce me.
287
00:13:45,765 --> 00:13:47,131
Okay.
288
00:13:51,988 --> 00:13:55,022
Hey, Dex, this is my friend Jordan.
289
00:13:55,024 --> 00:13:57,157
Too old. Not interested.
290
00:13:59,228 --> 00:14:02,062
I like that. You're honest.
291
00:14:02,064 --> 00:14:03,597
What are you working on?
292
00:14:03,599 --> 00:14:06,967
Writing a letter to a kid
in a foster home.
293
00:14:08,738 --> 00:14:11,038
Good for you, man. Do you do that a lot?
294
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,375
Kind of. He's my kid.
295
00:14:14,377 --> 00:14:17,244
By the way,
296
00:14:17,246 --> 00:14:19,797
I drew some balls on your trophies.
297
00:14:21,417 --> 00:14:23,918
Fantastic. Thank you.
298
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,337
Any further questions?
299
00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:28,005
I'm out. Good luck with the poison.
300
00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:34,094
Hello, Charlie.
301
00:14:34,096 --> 00:14:36,814
Oh, good, good. You found the vodka...
302
00:14:36,816 --> 00:14:39,483
in the garage behind the leaf blower
303
00:14:39,485 --> 00:14:41,435
in a box labeled mulch.
304
00:14:42,855 --> 00:14:45,356
I'm smarter than you think I am.
305
00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:48,369
I studied English literature.
306
00:14:48,394 --> 00:14:50,394
I even got an award for a short story once.
307
00:14:50,419 --> 00:14:52,419
Oh that's great! I would love to read it.
308
00:14:52,444 --> 00:14:53,782
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
309
00:14:53,783 --> 00:14:56,617
It just says congratulations
and then my name.
310
00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,788
No, I mean I'd love
to read the short story.
311
00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:03,007
- Are you serious?
- Well, sure.
312
00:15:03,009 --> 00:15:05,759
If you have a talent, it's
important to share it with people.
313
00:15:05,761 --> 00:15:07,962
And it might be a good way for us
to get to know each other better.
314
00:15:07,964 --> 00:15:12,549
I can think of a better way.
315
00:15:12,551 --> 00:15:15,302
Bud-da-da, bud-da-da, bud-da-da,
bud-da-da, bud-da-da.
316
00:15:17,723 --> 00:15:19,690
Okay, we need to have a talk.
317
00:15:19,777 --> 00:15:22,937
Right after I wash the
balls off my trophies.
318
00:15:29,587 --> 00:15:32,591
( Sighs )
Dude, thank you for Vegas.
319
00:15:32,593 --> 00:15:34,509
- Did you just get back?
- Yup.
320
00:15:34,511 --> 00:15:37,229
After your wedding,
I ended up hooking up
321
00:15:37,231 --> 00:15:39,398
with an all-girl biker gang. Super hot.
322
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,683
Ended up riding bitch
all the way to Utah.
323
00:15:44,088 --> 00:15:45,771
How's married life?
324
00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:48,023
I would give it three and a half...
325
00:15:48,025 --> 00:15:51,026
just kill mes.
326
00:15:51,028 --> 00:15:53,362
Her brother is a douchebag
and her mom wants to bang me.
327
00:15:53,364 --> 00:15:55,297
Sounds really stressful.
328
00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:57,566
You know who doesn't have
a lot of stress in his life?
329
00:15:57,568 --> 00:15:59,668
Guy riding bitch.
330
00:15:59,670 --> 00:16:01,870
I don't want to lose Sasha over this.
331
00:16:01,872 --> 00:16:04,122
I tried to make it work,
332
00:16:04,124 --> 00:16:07,175
but I just want things to go back to the
way they were before we got married.
333
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:09,261
Oh, that's easy. That's easy.
334
00:16:09,263 --> 00:16:12,297
You just got to convince her that
dating is better than marriage.
335
00:16:12,299 --> 00:16:14,583
- You think that's possible?
- Totally.
336
00:16:14,585 --> 00:16:18,320
Then you can invent time
travel and cold fusion.
337
00:16:18,322 --> 00:16:20,656
Thanks, bitch.
338
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:24,493
( Knocks )
339
00:16:25,863 --> 00:16:28,061
Coming.
340
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,570
What are you doing here, Nolan? It's late.
341
00:16:35,572 --> 00:16:37,739
Well, I knew you were awake
'cause I didn't hear you
342
00:16:37,741 --> 00:16:39,324
snoring through the wall.
343
00:16:39,326 --> 00:16:41,293
I don't snore.
344
00:16:41,295 --> 00:16:44,346
It's just a relaxation CD I
listen to so I can sleep.
345
00:16:44,348 --> 00:16:46,631
It sounds like a really
hot girl snoring.
346
00:16:46,633 --> 00:16:48,884
Like a truck driver?
347
00:16:48,886 --> 00:16:51,553
What do you want, Nolan?
348
00:16:51,555 --> 00:16:53,839
I'm tired of playing games.
349
00:16:53,841 --> 00:16:55,257
Not all games, but this game.
350
00:16:55,259 --> 00:16:57,225
I still like Parcheesi and Taboo.
351
00:16:57,227 --> 00:16:59,261
Taboo is fun.
352
00:16:59,263 --> 00:17:00,929
It's complicated.
353
00:17:03,183 --> 00:17:05,434
Not from where I'm standing.
It's a simple story.
354
00:17:05,436 --> 00:17:07,269
Guy wants girl. Girl wants guy.
355
00:17:07,271 --> 00:17:08,904
Guy wants girl to get to know guy.
356
00:17:08,906 --> 00:17:11,239
Girl doesn't want to know guy.
357
00:17:11,241 --> 00:17:14,159
Guy leaves. Girl looks at Facebook.
358
00:17:14,161 --> 00:17:17,029
- I get it.
- Then tell me how it ends.
359
00:17:17,031 --> 00:17:18,163
Fine.
360
00:17:20,334 --> 00:17:22,117
Guy tells girl she's perfect.
361
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,754
Girl freaks out. Girl can't
live up to those expectations.
362
00:17:25,756 --> 00:17:28,890
Who is this girl you're talking about?
363
00:17:28,892 --> 00:17:30,625
Me.
364
00:17:30,627 --> 00:17:32,294
I'm not perfect.
365
00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:34,062
You've built me up so high,
366
00:17:34,064 --> 00:17:36,198
you're gonna be disappointed.
367
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,166
I'm really messed up.
368
00:17:38,168 --> 00:17:41,470
Yeah, I know that. You're a train wreck.
369
00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:45,140
But I've seen the best
and the worst of you,
370
00:17:45,142 --> 00:17:47,642
mostly the worst, and I still like you.
371
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:51,880
Really?
372
00:17:51,882 --> 00:17:54,449
Now that we understand each other,
373
00:17:54,451 --> 00:17:56,718
I guess I should go home.
374
00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:00,655
Wait, Nolan, why don't you stay here
375
00:18:00,657 --> 00:18:02,324
so you can hear me snore in person?
376
00:18:02,326 --> 00:18:05,710
Oh, no, I can hear you through the wall.
377
00:18:05,712 --> 00:18:07,746
Nolan.
378
00:18:07,748 --> 00:18:09,498
Oh!
379
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,500
I get it now.
380
00:18:14,721 --> 00:18:16,705
All right, we are good.
381
00:18:18,295 --> 00:18:19,975
They're both passed out
in front of the TV.
382
00:18:19,977 --> 00:18:21,760
Should I wake them up to go to bed?
383
00:18:21,762 --> 00:18:24,012
No, no, no. I turned the channel to PBS
384
00:18:24,014 --> 00:18:25,414
so they can learn while they sleep.
385
00:18:30,070 --> 00:18:33,688
You know, this is gonna be our
first time as husband and wife.
386
00:18:33,690 --> 00:18:35,524
Yes, it will be, Mrs. Goodson.
387
00:18:41,365 --> 00:18:43,281
Oh, damn it.
388
00:18:43,283 --> 00:18:50,872
- It's happening again.
- What?
389
00:18:50,874 --> 00:18:53,208
Oh, no.
390
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:55,510
That's a wig, isn't it?
391
00:18:55,512 --> 00:18:57,679
This is not a wig.
392
00:18:57,681 --> 00:19:01,049
No, this happened
with my first wife, too.
393
00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:05,554
As soon as I get married,
I can't perform sexually.
394
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,193
You can't?
395
00:19:11,195 --> 00:19:13,728
Wow.
396
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:15,981
Is what I would have said
if we were still dating.
397
00:19:17,484 --> 00:19:18,900
But now that we're married,
398
00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,735
you just look like another dude.
399
00:19:20,737 --> 00:19:23,038
I think I can help you with that.
400
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:27,909
Would you stop it?! It's real.
401
00:19:27,911 --> 00:19:30,412
Sorry. Sorry.
402
00:19:34,251 --> 00:19:35,634
Is this doing anything for you?
403
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:40,055
Well, now I'm just
feeling more pressure.
404
00:19:40,057 --> 00:19:41,923
It's like baseball.
405
00:19:41,925 --> 00:19:44,176
Baseball, baseball, baseball!
406
00:19:45,562 --> 00:19:47,095
Or like Joe Morgan trying to win
407
00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:48,680
a batting title for the '75 Reds.
408
00:19:48,682 --> 00:19:50,065
You know, the Big Red Machine. Now that...
409
00:19:50,067 --> 00:19:51,850
What are you doing?
410
00:19:51,852 --> 00:19:53,268
Nothing. Nothing.
411
00:19:53,270 --> 00:19:55,103
I'm trying to get turned
on by you, but, man,
412
00:19:55,105 --> 00:19:58,273
you start thinking about those
batting averages...322, .316, .311.
413
00:19:58,275 --> 00:20:01,693
Charlie, it feels like
you're lying to me.
414
00:20:01,695 --> 00:20:03,144
Why would you say that?
415
00:20:03,146 --> 00:20:05,497
Because my leg is there
416
00:20:05,499 --> 00:20:09,284
and it feels like you're lying to me.
417
00:20:09,286 --> 00:20:12,003
Of course I'm lying to you.
418
00:20:12,005 --> 00:20:13,788
I'm incredibly turned on by you,
419
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:17,042
but, sweetie, it's not you.
420
00:20:17,044 --> 00:20:20,295
It's your family.
They're driving me crazy.
421
00:20:22,099 --> 00:20:24,533
Wait, what are you saying?
422
00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:26,935
You can't be around them?
423
00:20:26,937 --> 00:20:30,605
Are you making me choose
between you and my family?
424
00:20:30,607 --> 00:20:32,891
No. No. That sounds awful.
425
00:20:32,893 --> 00:20:36,378
There's got to be another way to put it.
426
00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:38,480
If you feel that way,
427
00:20:38,482 --> 00:20:40,865
we obviously can't stay married.
428
00:20:40,867 --> 00:20:42,867
I know. I know.
429
00:20:42,869 --> 00:20:44,786
But I don't want to lose you.
430
00:20:44,788 --> 00:20:47,489
But we can't go back to what we had.
431
00:20:47,491 --> 00:20:50,041
You mean the before we were married,
432
00:20:50,043 --> 00:20:52,127
three days ago?
433
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:56,264
Yeah.
434
00:20:56,266 --> 00:21:00,035
This is gonna have to be
something different.
435
00:21:00,037 --> 00:21:02,364
When I come into town now,
436
00:21:02,389 --> 00:21:04,551
maybe I'll call you, maybe I won't.
437
00:21:04,576 --> 00:21:07,028
Maybe I'll have sex with you,
438
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:08,843
maybe I won't.
439
00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:11,346
So we'll be exes.
440
00:21:11,348 --> 00:21:14,816
And then we'll have to settle
for that really great,
441
00:21:14,818 --> 00:21:17,886
hot sex people have
after they get divorced.
442
00:21:17,888 --> 00:21:20,288
- It's that good?
- Oh, yeah.
443
00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:21,890
That's why the divorce rate is so high.
444
00:21:21,892 --> 00:21:24,242
People want the good stuff.
445
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:26,267
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