1 00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:11,544 It's all your fault, charlie! 2 00:00:11,546 --> 00:00:14,180 I wish I'd never met you! 3 00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:17,450 - I'm sorry, lindsay. - No-- god. 4 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,794 I guess I'm just worried that robots will take over 5 00:00:27,796 --> 00:00:31,531 Because they think humans are a bunch of easily distracted idiots. 6 00:00:31,533 --> 00:00:33,533 And why don't you ever have donuts? 7 00:00:33,535 --> 00:00:36,436 Yeah, let's get some donuts in here. 8 00:00:36,438 --> 00:00:38,671 You're not here for donuts. You're here to get help with your anger. 9 00:00:38,673 --> 00:00:41,708 Seriously, charlie, get some of those little powdered ones. 10 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:43,443 I love to lick the powder off 11 00:00:43,445 --> 00:00:46,212 And then give the rest to the homeless. 12 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,415 Well, remember you're modeling my dress at design school next week 13 00:00:48,417 --> 00:00:50,817 And right now, you fit into it perfectly, 14 00:00:50,819 --> 00:00:52,786 So you can't gain an ounce. 15 00:00:52,788 --> 00:00:54,421 The only thing you're allowed to do 16 00:00:54,423 --> 00:00:56,556 Is lick some homeless guy's donut. 17 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,562 Okay, for the love of god, would somebody please say something 18 00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:06,199 That will take our minds off of what we're all thinking? 19 00:01:06,201 --> 00:01:09,135 I will. According to tmz, 20 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:11,471 Lindsay lohan's gonna have an anger management therapist 21 00:01:11,473 --> 00:01:13,540 On the set of her new commercial. 22 00:01:13,542 --> 00:01:15,508 Apparently, they're afraid she's gonna lose it. 23 00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,578 What in the hell is the matter with all these stupid celebrities 24 00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,680 Who can't control themselves? 25 00:01:20,682 --> 00:01:23,583 Why are you yelling at me? How the hell would I know? 26 00:01:25,086 --> 00:01:28,288 Yeah, charlie only deals with regular people. 27 00:01:28,290 --> 00:01:30,557 For movie stars, they bring in super qualified guys 28 00:01:30,559 --> 00:01:33,426 Who realknow what they're doing. 29 00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:34,527 Hey, hey, hey. 30 00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,663 I am qualified to treat anybody. 31 00:01:36,665 --> 00:01:39,232 I just can't always tell you guys who all my patients are. 32 00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,668 And for the record, I think it would be healthy for lindsay to have me. 33 00:01:41,670 --> 00:01:43,670 I mean, somebody like me-- 34 00:01:43,672 --> 00:01:46,506 Who am I kidding? It's me. 35 00:01:46,508 --> 00:01:48,842 Oh, my god! You're gonna be lindsay lohan's therapist? 36 00:01:48,844 --> 00:01:51,578 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 37 00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:55,248 - You're a disgrace. - Charlie: Okay, look, look. 38 00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:57,650 Lindsay's doing this big japanese commercial and her people contacted me 39 00:01:57,652 --> 00:02:00,253 About being there for her in case she needs my help. 40 00:02:00,255 --> 00:02:02,489 Now I'm asking you all to be very discreet about this. 41 00:02:02,491 --> 00:02:05,358 And send. 42 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,195 I'm sorry, what were you saying? 43 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,834 Hi. I'm lindsay lohan. 44 00:02:14,836 --> 00:02:17,904 And I love the taste of alcohol. 45 00:02:17,906 --> 00:02:20,573 But sometimes bars close. 46 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,845 So how am I gonna get that taste until they're open again? 47 00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:29,849 Thank you, booze bear. 48 00:02:29,851 --> 00:02:32,152 ♪1 happy whiskey chew. 49 00:02:32,154 --> 00:02:34,521 Yes, chewing! 50 00:02:34,523 --> 00:02:37,157 There's no alcohol in it, so I won't get drunk. 51 00:02:37,159 --> 00:02:39,926 But I still might wake up with a stranger. 52 00:02:42,531 --> 00:02:45,365 Now I'm having sex with a bear? 53 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:47,634 Are you kidding me? -- Really?! 54 00:02:47,636 --> 00:02:49,536 Cut. 55 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,541 What's wrong here? We're gonna fall behind schedule. 56 00:02:54,543 --> 00:02:56,276 Would you give us a second, please? - Fine. 57 00:02:56,278 --> 00:02:57,944 But if she's not back on set in five minutes 58 00:02:57,946 --> 00:03:00,547 Doing exactly what's on these pages, she's in breach of contract. 59 00:03:00,549 --> 00:03:03,283 Sure, we wouldn't want to jeopardize the good name 60 00:03:03,285 --> 00:03:07,187 And artistic vision of #1 happy whiskey chew. 61 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,493 Look, I know you're probably gonna think I'm some whiney, 62 00:03:13,495 --> 00:03:15,762 Spoiled actress, but they changed the script on me. 63 00:03:15,764 --> 00:03:18,798 So they added that super creepy bear with the antlers? 64 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,568 Because that's pure nightmare stuff right there. 65 00:03:21,570 --> 00:03:24,204 All I agreed to do was dress up like a japanese schoolgirl 66 00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:27,340 And now I'm some drunk who has sex with bears for gum. 67 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,476 - Are we ready? - No. 68 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:33,413 This is humiliating and insulting and I don't wanna do it. 69 00:03:33,415 --> 00:03:36,649 Hey, goodson, I thought it was supposed to be your job to make her happy? 70 00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:38,685 Okay. 71 00:03:38,687 --> 00:03:40,520 Then this should make her happy, 72 00:03:40,522 --> 00:03:42,455 I agree with her. She's right. 73 00:03:42,457 --> 00:03:44,591 You lied to her. Her anger is totally justified. 74 00:03:44,593 --> 00:03:46,693 You lied to her and you're exploiting her to sell gum. 75 00:03:46,695 --> 00:03:48,761 Which, by the way, I tasted... 76 00:03:48,763 --> 00:03:51,631 And I think is about the greatest thing ever. 77 00:03:51,633 --> 00:03:54,467 That being said, still, if I were her, I'd-- 78 00:03:54,469 --> 00:03:56,903 Sorry, I'd tell you to go to hell. 79 00:03:56,905 --> 00:03:59,005 I like you. 80 00:03:59,007 --> 00:04:00,673 Go to hell. 81 00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:04,544 No, no, no, no. 82 00:04:04,546 --> 00:04:06,446 I said if I were you. 83 00:04:06,448 --> 00:04:08,514 You are you. I think we should take a minute and think this through. 84 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,483 No, no, no. This feels right. 85 00:04:10,485 --> 00:04:12,685 You know, when they hired you, I was kind of upset. 86 00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,654 But I think you're exactly what I need. 87 00:04:14,656 --> 00:04:16,589 An enabler? 88 00:04:16,591 --> 00:04:18,725 No, you seem like a good, normal guy. 89 00:04:18,727 --> 00:04:20,960 Not one of those hollywood party boys. 90 00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:23,396 Douchebags. 91 00:04:23,398 --> 00:04:25,298 - I hate those guys. - Yeah. 92 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,699 You know what, charlie? 93 00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,801 I'm trying to break my old, destructive habits 94 00:04:28,803 --> 00:04:31,671 And I think you're just the guy to help me. 95 00:04:35,277 --> 00:04:37,577 That must have been pretty exciting for you. 96 00:04:37,579 --> 00:04:39,746 Considering who I am and all. 97 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,550 No, seriously, I never thought I'd sleep with a movie star. 98 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,386 Yeah. 99 00:04:46,388 --> 00:04:49,722 And I never thought I'd be sleeping with a therapist from the valley. 100 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,026 I think we're saying two different things. 101 00:04:53,028 --> 00:04:55,361 Yeah, I think we are. 102 00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:00,667 Hey, charlie. 103 00:05:00,669 --> 00:05:04,404 I brought over some more empty bottles for sam's recycling project. 104 00:05:04,406 --> 00:05:06,606 - These are from last night. - Wow. 105 00:05:06,608 --> 00:05:09,642 Somebody's got really serious about his alcoholism. 106 00:05:09,644 --> 00:05:12,412 Oh, no. Those are from my book club for single moms. 107 00:05:12,414 --> 00:05:14,080 That thing's finally paying off. 108 00:05:14,082 --> 00:05:16,015 You remember that woman I told you about? 109 00:05:16,017 --> 00:05:18,918 Two kids, sells power tools at sears. 110 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,020 - The one with the big feet? - Yup. 111 00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:24,857 Well, those giant flippers were up in the air last night 112 00:05:24,859 --> 00:05:27,727 Waving like palm trees in the wind. 113 00:05:27,729 --> 00:05:30,396 - Hi, charlie. - Hi, sweetie. 114 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,466 - Here you go. - Thank you. 115 00:05:33,468 --> 00:05:36,502 - Hi. - Hello. 116 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,644 - Tell me more about sears girl. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 117 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,582 That was lindsay lohan. 118 00:05:49,584 --> 00:05:51,951 Did you know she was here? 119 00:05:51,953 --> 00:05:53,886 Yes, but don't be jealous. 120 00:05:53,888 --> 00:05:56,889 This doesn't take anything away from your sasquatch girl from book club. 121 00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:59,425 Are these lindsay lohan's sunglasses? 122 00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:01,928 - Can I have 'em? - No, no. 123 00:06:01,930 --> 00:06:04,764 She needs these to hide in public. 124 00:06:04,766 --> 00:06:07,100 Why? 'cause she's dating you? 125 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:12,405 We're not dating. I mean, I like her, but who knows? 126 00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:13,940 It'll never work out. 127 00:06:13,942 --> 00:06:15,441 Celebrities and regular people don't mix. 128 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:19,011 Let me tell you something I learned about celebrities last night. 129 00:06:19,013 --> 00:06:20,913 They're just like regular people. 130 00:06:20,915 --> 00:06:23,516 They take my pants off one leg at a time. 131 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,390 God, it's so peaceful here. 132 00:06:30,392 --> 00:06:32,091 How 'bout we just stay in bed all day? 133 00:06:32,093 --> 00:06:34,861 I would, but I have to go to prison. 134 00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:37,530 - For how long? - About an hour. 135 00:06:37,532 --> 00:06:40,500 Wow. You have a great lawyer. 136 00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:46,973 No, no, no. I have an anger therapy group there. We meet once a week. 137 00:06:46,975 --> 00:06:49,041 Could I-- could I maybe come with you? 138 00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:51,911 Because, you know, I still have community service left to do 139 00:06:51,913 --> 00:06:55,148 And speaking at a prison would definitely knock off an hour or two. 140 00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:58,151 Well, I could call them and see if it's all right if I bring you. Sure. 141 00:06:58,153 --> 00:06:59,552 I don't think it should be a problem. 142 00:06:59,554 --> 00:07:02,855 They know me at all the prisons and jails. 143 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:05,591 You don't know how long I've waited for a girl to say that. 144 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,631 So what I've learned is, if you just take the time 145 00:07:11,633 --> 00:07:13,433 To think before you speak, 146 00:07:13,435 --> 00:07:15,601 It can really improve your life. 147 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,774 I'm not a cannibal, 148 00:07:21,776 --> 00:07:23,509 That's not why I'm in here, 149 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:26,012 But I bet you'd taste like raspberries. 150 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,550 Um, thank you. 151 00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:35,888 You see, wayne, that's exactly the opposite 152 00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:38,124 Of what she was saying about thinking before you speak. 153 00:07:38,126 --> 00:07:39,792 Oh, I thought about it. 154 00:07:39,794 --> 00:07:41,561 I've been thinking about it ever since she sat 155 00:07:41,563 --> 00:07:44,096 Her sweet little raspberry body in that chair. 156 00:07:44,098 --> 00:07:47,567 Sorry, that one I did not think about. 157 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,070 Anybody have any appropriate questions about what they've heard? 158 00:07:51,072 --> 00:07:52,738 Oh, yes. 159 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,974 First of all, miss lohan, 160 00:07:54,976 --> 00:07:57,677 I've seen "freaky Frida y," like, 400,000 times. 161 00:07:57,679 --> 00:08:01,247 Let's just get that off the table. - Thank you. 162 00:08:01,249 --> 00:08:02,715 And, second of all, 163 00:08:02,717 --> 00:08:04,217 How do you get your eyes like that? 164 00:08:04,219 --> 00:08:06,018 They always look so twinkly and cute. 165 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:08,621 Even when you draggin' ass. 166 00:08:08,623 --> 00:08:11,524 Oh, I use this eyeliner pen. 167 00:08:11,526 --> 00:08:13,125 Oh, I can't get eyeliner in here. 168 00:08:13,127 --> 00:08:15,995 You got any tips on using cockroach dust and toilet water? 169 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:20,533 Okay, I think lindsay has to go now, guys. 170 00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:23,536 All right, thank you, guys. 171 00:08:23,538 --> 00:08:25,204 Oh, and by the way, if anybody asks, 172 00:08:25,206 --> 00:08:27,240 I was here for the full hour. 173 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,645 Charlie, I think I speak for the entire group 174 00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:35,147 When I say that we would all like to say some 175 00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:37,550 Very dirty things about miss lohan. 176 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,521 But we will refrain from that if you are currently-- 177 00:08:41,523 --> 00:08:44,056 How can I put this delicately-- 178 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:46,959 Jammin' her. 179 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,096 Thank you for the courtesy, donovan, 180 00:08:50,098 --> 00:08:52,131 And, yes, there's definitely an attraction. 181 00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:54,133 I just don't know if I'm ready to pursue it. 182 00:08:54,135 --> 00:08:57,136 I barely know her and I'm just not that sure 183 00:08:57,138 --> 00:09:00,139 If celebrities and regular people mix all that well. 184 00:09:00,141 --> 00:09:03,242 Is it because of all the things the press says about lindsay? 185 00:09:03,244 --> 00:09:05,044 You can't believe everything you read. 186 00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:07,713 They said I stabbed a guy, like, 100 times. 187 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:10,983 I stabbed him maybe 50 at the most. 188 00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,818 Liars. 189 00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:15,321 The newspapers accused me of assault with a deadly weapon. 190 00:09:15,323 --> 00:09:18,324 It wasn't deadly. I missed. 191 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,929 Charlie, sorry to interrupt, everyone. 192 00:09:22,931 --> 00:09:26,732 Found out about what happened on the commercial yesterday. 193 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:32,305 "svengali shrink out to destroy lilo's career." 194 00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,141 I bet it was that panda. 195 00:09:35,143 --> 00:09:37,109 I told you he was a nightmare. 196 00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,349 - Is your family here yet? - They're on their way. 197 00:09:43,351 --> 00:09:46,652 Great. See, this is exactly what I need. 198 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,654 Sitting around with normal people, 199 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,023 Having a normal dinner, living a normal life. 200 00:09:52,226 --> 00:09:53,993 Oh, my god. 201 00:09:53,995 --> 00:09:56,996 Bergiere's letting me borrow their $20,000 dress tomorrow. 202 00:09:56,998 --> 00:10:00,933 Big lots is letting me wear their four-dollar socks I bought there. 203 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,172 Seriously, it's a big charity event tomorrow night. 204 00:10:06,174 --> 00:10:07,840 Do you wanna come? 205 00:10:07,842 --> 00:10:11,010 Maybe at the end of the night, I'll let you take off my dress. 206 00:10:11,012 --> 00:10:13,279 And then maybe I'll let you, lindsay lohan, 207 00:10:13,281 --> 00:10:15,381 Take off my socks. 208 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:19,185 okay, they're here. 209 00:10:19,187 --> 00:10:22,088 Just give me a minute to freshen up. - You got it. 210 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,859 - Hey. - Hey, dad. 211 00:10:26,861 --> 00:10:29,662 - Is she here yet? - She'll be down in a minute. 212 00:10:29,664 --> 00:10:31,297 Hello, charlie. 213 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,237 I know that tone. 214 00:10:38,239 --> 00:10:40,740 That's the "I don't approve of charlie's hot new 215 00:10:40,742 --> 00:10:42,408 Movie star girlfriend" tone. 216 00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:44,343 It's not that. 217 00:10:44,345 --> 00:10:47,380 I know things about her. I read, charlie. 218 00:10:47,382 --> 00:10:50,316 "us weekly," "star," "t he enquirer," "people." 219 00:10:50,318 --> 00:10:53,219 Every once in a while, you might want to mix in a book. 220 00:10:53,221 --> 00:10:56,188 Hey, the "100 sexiest people" issue is like this thick. 221 00:10:56,190 --> 00:10:57,857 It's almost like a book. 222 00:10:57,859 --> 00:11:00,026 Just give her a chance. 223 00:11:00,028 --> 00:11:02,161 The girl is trouble. 224 00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:03,929 It's gonna embarrass sam 225 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,398 And I don't want our daughter to suffer 226 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,800 The negative consequences of your actions. 227 00:11:07,802 --> 00:11:09,435 Negative consequences? 228 00:11:09,437 --> 00:11:11,437 Yesterday, nobody knew my name. 229 00:11:11,439 --> 00:11:13,139 Now I'm that weird short girl 230 00:11:13,141 --> 00:11:15,374 Whose dad is dating lindsay lohan. Thanks, dad. 231 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:19,145 You hear that? And just remember, jen, 232 00:11:19,147 --> 00:11:21,180 When you and I first started dating, you had a reputation, too. 233 00:11:21,182 --> 00:11:23,182 Because I was sleeping with you! 234 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,318 Well, I didn't judge you. 235 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,159 Do you know her history? She parties too much. 236 00:11:33,161 --> 00:11:36,328 She gets into fights. The woman has stolen things. 237 00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:38,264 We don't know what's true and what isn't. 238 00:11:38,266 --> 00:11:40,399 I heard a story about a guy who stabbed somebody 100 times. 239 00:11:40,401 --> 00:11:42,268 Turns out it was only 50. 240 00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:44,270 Now everybody's afraid of that guy. 241 00:11:44,272 --> 00:11:46,439 You're just being seduced by the fact 242 00:11:46,441 --> 00:11:49,275 That she's a celebrity and that's sad and shallow. 243 00:11:49,277 --> 00:11:51,744 - Hey, everybody. - Oh, my god. 244 00:11:51,746 --> 00:11:53,379 You're even prettier in person. 245 00:11:53,381 --> 00:11:56,382 I'm so sad and shallow. 246 00:11:56,384 --> 00:11:59,351 Lindsay, this is my daughter sam and her mother jennifer. 247 00:11:59,353 --> 00:12:01,987 - Hi. Nice to meet you. - Will you take a picture with me? 248 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:04,924 I need to prove you were here so everyone at school will keep talking to me. 249 00:12:04,926 --> 00:12:07,927 Oh, sure. - Would you mind signing an autograph 250 00:12:07,929 --> 00:12:10,162 On a napkin or something for me, please? - Um, sure. 251 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:13,165 Yeah, there's a pen in my purse. - Oh, okay. 252 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:16,435 Wow. My god, I'm putting my hand into lindsay lohan's purse. 253 00:12:16,437 --> 00:12:19,438 And now I'm pulling out my daughter's sunglasses. 254 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,308 - How did those get in there? - That was me, jen. 255 00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:25,077 I saw them on the counter, I thought they were lindsay's, so I put them in her purse. 256 00:12:25,079 --> 00:12:26,412 Mm-hmm. That must be it. 257 00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:28,047 Yeah. Mm-hmm. It is it. 258 00:12:28,049 --> 00:12:29,315 - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. 259 00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:32,184 Just so you both know, I speak "mm-hmm," too, 260 00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,954 And I didn't steal anybody's sunglasses. 261 00:12:34,956 --> 00:12:38,224 Come on, sam. We should leave. 262 00:12:38,226 --> 00:12:41,994 Thank you so much for stealing my sunglasses. 263 00:12:41,996 --> 00:12:44,764 Best day ever! 264 00:12:44,766 --> 00:12:46,532 Before you say anything, 265 00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:48,467 You should know that my ex-wife thinks 266 00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:51,103 That all my girlfriends are thieves, so it's cool. 267 00:12:51,105 --> 00:12:53,839 No, it's not. I really wanted your family to like me. 268 00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,941 Oh, that's so sweet. 269 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:59,078 You know what? I think someone just stole my heart. 270 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,213 Too soon? 271 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,283 coming. 272 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,388 he broke up with me. 273 00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,123 - Who? - Ryan. 274 00:13:11,125 --> 00:13:13,959 He was supposed to break up with his wife. 275 00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,463 Okay, I know you're going through a lot right now 276 00:13:17,465 --> 00:13:19,498 And I'm really glad you came, 277 00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,100 But we need to get this dress on you, 278 00:13:21,102 --> 00:13:23,402 Sweetheart, okay? Take off your clothes. 279 00:13:23,404 --> 00:13:27,106 That's the second to the last thing he ever said to me. 280 00:13:27,108 --> 00:13:29,175 I understand. 281 00:13:29,177 --> 00:13:31,076 Come on. I'll help. 282 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:35,948 - What are you doing? - I'm calling ryan. 283 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,019 Hello? 284 00:13:40,021 --> 00:13:43,122 Who is this? Oh, hi, tyler. 285 00:13:43,124 --> 00:13:46,225 Can I talk to your daddy? 286 00:13:46,227 --> 00:13:48,561 You don't wanna do that. 287 00:13:48,563 --> 00:13:50,429 Shut up! 288 00:13:50,431 --> 00:13:52,298 Oh, okay. 289 00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,233 Well, when he gets back, will you tell him 290 00:13:54,235 --> 00:13:57,303 That he's a piece of garbage and he deserves your mommy? 291 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,074 Thank you, honey. 292 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,213 You're okay. You're gonna be okay. 293 00:14:07,215 --> 00:14:08,948 But we don't have a lot of time, 294 00:14:08,950 --> 00:14:11,450 So let's get you into this. 295 00:14:11,452 --> 00:14:14,186 It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. 296 00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:16,355 Come on. All right. 297 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,462 You ate! 298 00:14:23,464 --> 00:14:26,966 Of course I ate! Weren't you listening to me? I got dumped! 299 00:14:26,968 --> 00:14:28,601 Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god. 300 00:14:28,603 --> 00:14:30,536 - What did you eat?! - I had pie! 301 00:14:30,538 --> 00:14:32,872 - How many pieces?! - I don't know! 302 00:14:32,874 --> 00:14:35,007 How many pieces are in a pie? 303 00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,644 All right, I can fix this. 304 00:14:38,646 --> 00:14:40,412 I'm gonna have to touch your butt now. 305 00:14:40,414 --> 00:14:43,249 That's how ryan and I met. 306 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:46,619 Okay. All right. 307 00:14:46,621 --> 00:14:48,554 All right, just arch your back. 308 00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:50,456 The clasp has gotta get-- okay. 309 00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:52,258 Now, I'm just gonna get the zipper. 310 00:14:53,895 --> 00:14:56,962 - It's never gonna zip. - You know what? 311 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,330 It doesn't matter. 312 00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,966 What happened to you is what matters. 313 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,569 You are special and beautiful. 314 00:15:03,571 --> 00:15:06,438 We have to get you to stop crying. 315 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,342 All right, now just take a deep breath. 316 00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:14,446 Thank you, patrick. 317 00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:16,248 See, you're feeling better already. 318 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,318 Now just take another breath... Even deeper. 319 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,021 Now! 320 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,926 It's crushing my ribs. 321 00:15:26,928 --> 00:15:28,494 Do you like it? 322 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,031 I feel so pretty. 323 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:38,003 Charlie, thank you so much for making me go to the grocery store. 324 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:40,172 I love to go, but I'm just always worried 325 00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:42,508 The paparazzi are gonna mob me. 326 00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:45,544 Nothing bad's gonna happen as long as you're with me. 327 00:15:47,415 --> 00:15:49,982 What? 328 00:15:49,984 --> 00:15:54,086 "lilo steals sunglasses from mentally disturbed high school student"? 329 00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,423 I can't believe they can just lie like that. 330 00:15:57,425 --> 00:15:59,358 She's not mentally disturbed, she just has ocd. 331 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,360 Oh, really? And I didn't steal anything. 332 00:16:01,362 --> 00:16:03,996 Oh, yeah. That, too. 333 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:08,100 Charlie, do you really think it's a good idea that we're dating? 334 00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:10,736 Are you kidding me? We're having a fantastic time. 335 00:16:10,738 --> 00:16:12,705 Look, we just went grocery shopping. 336 00:16:12,707 --> 00:16:15,674 Yeah, I mean, I guess that is one of the most normal things 337 00:16:15,676 --> 00:16:18,110 I've done since I was in " parent trap." 338 00:16:18,112 --> 00:16:20,045 You want normal? I can line it up. 339 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:23,015 There's a post office, dry cleaner, jiffy lube. 340 00:16:23,017 --> 00:16:27,119 You're about to go on the most ordinary ride of your life. 341 00:16:27,121 --> 00:16:28,988 That does sound pretty good. 342 00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:32,257 Good? It's great. I mean, look at these. 343 00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:35,094 Powdered donuts. 344 00:16:35,096 --> 00:16:37,363 Oh, they do look really good. 345 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,232 Close your eyes. 346 00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:42,468 - Charlie. - Close 'em. 347 00:16:47,008 --> 00:16:49,375 Oh, great. Thank you. 348 00:16:49,377 --> 00:16:52,044 Thank you. It really brings out my eyes, doesn't it? 349 00:16:52,046 --> 00:16:53,679 Yeah, it brings out your nose, actually. - Thank you. 350 00:16:53,681 --> 00:16:55,647 It's really good. 351 00:16:55,649 --> 00:16:59,151 What do you say we take this box of donuts upstairs and see what happens? 352 00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:09,628 Coming up next... 353 00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:12,331 Lindsay lohan caught in coke-fueled sex romp. 354 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,570 Next time, I'll buy chocolate. 355 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,776 - I got bad news. - Don't tell me... 356 00:17:23,778 --> 00:17:25,477 The place is surrounded by paparazzi. 357 00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,312 I think I should go out there and talk to them. 358 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,681 No, no, no. You have to have a pr person write a statement. 359 00:17:29,683 --> 00:17:32,818 That way if something goes bad, you have someone to fire. 360 00:17:32,820 --> 00:17:36,188 If it was me, I would just give people uncensored honesty. 361 00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:38,757 I think you just gotta lose the filter and say whatever pops in your head. 362 00:17:38,759 --> 00:17:41,326 What's the worst that could happen? 363 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:45,497 And get to the charity event 'cause they're counting on me. 364 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,632 I promise, I will figure out a way to get you there. 365 00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:48,500 I am so sorry about all this. 366 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,202 Charlie, if there's one thing you should know, 367 00:17:50,204 --> 00:17:52,438 It's when a guy apologizes to me, it's a real turnoff. 368 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,108 Oh, you mean like when I just said I was sorry? That was not an apology. 369 00:17:56,110 --> 00:17:58,544 That was me saying I'm sorry, but you ain't gettin' no apology. 370 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,483 My god. There's a ton of people with cameras out there. 371 00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:07,419 It's like a japanese best buy. 372 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,822 That's why I called lacey. I need her help. 373 00:18:09,824 --> 00:18:12,157 I didn't know you were all going to patrick's fashion show, 374 00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:13,725 But good job for supporting him like that. 375 00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:15,394 Charlie, you have to hear this story. 376 00:18:15,396 --> 00:18:17,663 So we finally get to my show at the design school. 377 00:18:17,665 --> 00:18:19,465 Can you make a long story short? 378 00:18:19,467 --> 00:18:21,800 I lost to a jumpsuit. 379 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,369 Hey, lindsay. 380 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:27,439 Lacey, patrick, ed, nolan. Guys, this is lindsay. 381 00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:29,341 - Hi. - Lindsay lohan, right? 382 00:18:29,343 --> 00:18:31,510 - Yes, I am, sir. - Nice to meet you. 383 00:18:31,512 --> 00:18:34,646 You, too. - You're the problem with america. 384 00:18:34,648 --> 00:18:38,350 Thank you. I get that a lot. 385 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:43,355 Don't listen to him. He tells me the same thing every day. 386 00:18:43,357 --> 00:18:46,158 Which means you and I are like soul mates. 387 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,494 - Can we be besties? - Probably not. 388 00:18:48,496 --> 00:18:50,529 Yeah, I thought so, too. 389 00:18:50,531 --> 00:18:52,898 We're so much alike. 390 00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:55,367 I hope so because I'm gonna need you to go out there 391 00:18:55,369 --> 00:18:57,603 And pretend to be lindsay. Here, put this on. 392 00:18:57,605 --> 00:19:01,306 All she has to do is drive away, the paparazzi will follow her, 393 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:05,244 Wait, so, seriously, this is your plan? This is what you're doing? 394 00:19:05,246 --> 00:19:07,412 It's gonna be fine. 395 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:10,449 - Lacey, can you handle this? - Hell, yeah. 396 00:19:10,451 --> 00:19:14,353 As soon as you pull away, we go. - I got this. 397 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,565 Wow, look at 'em pushing and shoving. 398 00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:29,501 This is gonna test all her anger management skills. 399 00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:30,903 Wait, she's in your group? 400 00:19:30,905 --> 00:19:33,639 Yeah. We all are. 401 00:19:33,641 --> 00:19:35,507 So you're saying that you sent someone 402 00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:38,510 With anger issues into a crowd of paparazzi as me? 403 00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,513 Kind of. 404 00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,715 She's been in therapy for a long time. She's doing great. 405 00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:45,951 - Oh, god. - Ed: She's coming back. 406 00:19:45,953 --> 00:19:47,920 Screw you! 407 00:19:47,922 --> 00:19:50,289 I don't take crap from no one. 408 00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:51,790 I'm lindsay freakin' lohan. 409 00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:54,459 Don't worry, I'm protecting your rep. 410 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:58,497 Take a picture of this, you filthy animals! 411 00:19:58,499 --> 00:20:00,465 Whoo! 412 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,668 Whoo! We did it! 413 00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:06,805 Yeah! Everyone thinks I'm lindsay lohan. 414 00:20:06,807 --> 00:20:10,609 But I couldn't get to the car, so now what do we do? 415 00:20:10,611 --> 00:20:13,679 Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. 416 00:20:13,681 --> 00:20:16,648 Lindsay, I am so sorry. I mean, no, I'm not sorry. 417 00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:19,318 I'm just gonna have to go out there and face them. 418 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,353 Well, you don't have to face them alone. I'm here for you. 419 00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,524 Hold on, hold on. You got a little thread right here. 420 00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:27,659 Let me just get that for you. 421 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:38,403 So is it supposed to do that? 422 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,473 Lindsay, uh... 423 00:20:41,475 --> 00:20:42,708 I-- I'm sorry. 424 00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:45,310 No. 425 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:48,780 Don't move, don't talk, and don't touch. 426 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,854 You're a nice guy, but you're destroying my life. 427 00:20:55,856 --> 00:20:59,858 So am I going to the event with you or not? 428 00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,861 'cause I rented this tux. I'm out, like, 80 bucks. 429 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,468 Right. 430 00:21:09,470 --> 00:21:11,336 Okay, let's get you out of here. You can take my car. 431 00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,639 Ed, call the cops on the paparazzi. 432 00:21:13,641 --> 00:21:15,741 Patrick, can lindsay borrow your dress? 433 00:21:15,743 --> 00:21:18,610 Lindsay lohan wearing my dress? 434 00:21:18,612 --> 00:21:20,912 You heard him, tubby, take it off. 435 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,917 I really wish things had worked out differently. 436 00:21:25,919 --> 00:21:29,755 We tried. - If you ever need anything, call me. 437 00:21:29,757 --> 00:21:33,058 Yeah, I already deleted you from my phone. 438 00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:34,593 Smart. 439 00:21:34,595 --> 00:21:36,495 Sorry about the mess in the backseat. 440 00:21:36,497 --> 00:21:37,963 It's my kid's recycling project. 441 00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:40,465 All right, you better get going. You're going to be late. 442 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,734 you're all clear. 443 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:52,344 Oh, look, the cops are here. 444 00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:02,521 I can't believe lindsay lohan 445 00:22:02,523 --> 00:22:04,589 Got arrested wearing my dress. 446 00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:06,825 Best day ever. 447 00:22:06,827 --> 00:22:08,827 Thank you so much, charlie. 448 00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:13,031 Well, I like to help people. 449 00:22:13,033 --> 00:22:14,800 That's what I do.