We are engaged.
[laughs]
Celery [bleep] savoy
Is the president of the clam bake club.
- Please. - Frederick, don't do this--
You're acting like a baby.
I can stay a baby forever.
I'm the great marquis de sainsbury,
The arbiter of who's who in newport society.
Oh, whoops. I know I'm not supposed to feed the animals.
So, that's your scheme, huh?
Feeding your fish to the commodore?
I'm gonna blackmail the shit out of her.
You are hereby stripped of all duties
Befitting an under-butler.
Please vacate the premises immediately.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Brava. Brava.
Now, are we playing captain moreton eglington
Castle rules or do we just want to be wild women
And play a little french pall mall?
It's just a game, what does it matter, lillian?
Oh, fun fact:
Did you know that the pollacks
Actually desire to be enslaved?
It's in their very blood. Isn't that a hoot?
Do you not know that I am direct descendant
To the throne of poland?
Oh, he's just kidding, lil.
[laughter]
(celery) oh, I love to joke around.
Remember when we were children?
I made that joke where I told everyone
You threw a party on reject's beach?
You know, the beach where the poor
Go to clean their undergarments?
Scotch frog hats,
I would rather swim in a septic tank!
Well, I'm sure lillian doesn't remember.
It was so very long ago.
Don't remember at all.
[screams]
Footman down!
[music]
♪ ♪
What the hell is that?
The--what? No, nothing.
It's nothing. I'm nothing.
You need to work on your self-esteem, you idiot.
It looks like a letter to me.
I got a letter once.
From an old lover telling me
She contracted the sailor's virus.
- I hate letters. - Oh, please tell us.
It's a letter from the triangle shirtwaist factory.
They offered me a job interview for tomorrow.
It's always been my dream to work in a factory.
To feel the steam on my face
And the hot crush of machinery against my finger pads.
[laughs]
Factory life! No, thanks.
Well, I hope everyone's
Happily lazing about savoring the delights of all meal.
Thanks to your indolence, the urine buckets under the sink
Have become filled to the point of over slosh.
Why hasn't this been taken care of?
I believe that was garfield's job, sir.
And you sacked him for stealing a towel, sir.
So, it wasn't indolence, sir. It was a staffing issue, sir.
Call me sir one more time,
I shall dock your gruel for a week.
What would you like me to call you?
Sir will do. Just pace it out.
Hamish, you will empty the urine.
Sorry, peeps, according to my contract,
I don't touch piss, mops, or gypsies.
Oh, very well. I shall empty it myself.
I'm so excited for you!
Factory life!
[both laugh]
[laughs]
[rap music]
(garfield) since I'm no longer welcome inside bellacourt manor,
I've made my home outside.
[sighs]
Breaks my heart.
[classical music]
You know, at first this baby bea stuff
Was kind of funny, but now it's just weird.
It's time to change tactics.
I need your help.
I'm not quite certain you know how blackmail works.
You pay me, I own you.
Yes, yes. Extremely frightening.
Where...Is my...
50 cents?
How about $500?
[scoffs]
The hell are you talking about?
I know this guy in town.
He used to buy the girls from the brothels.
He always looks for a very
Vulnerable kind of girl.
Oh. I get it.
You have turned into a complete psychopath.
What's the guy's address? I'll take her there.
- [gasps] - garfield!
What in the h.M.S. Pinafore are you doing here?
Mr. Peepers, I-I had nowhere else to go.
T-the orphanage said no 30-year-olds.
Well, I can't have you
Vagabonding about bellacourt manor.
Now, get out before I have you skinned
And turned into work gloves.
Oh, well I heard beatrice and hamish.
They're going to one main street.
- Out! Out! - Oh, that's bellacourt urine!
[knocks on door]
(hamish) celine sent us.
You order a white heiress, right?
Hello, little girl.
I'm mr. Thomas edison.
Are you going to do everything I ask you to do?
Probably.
She's perfect for my forbidden experiment.
Mmm.
Uh, I don't mean to interrupt whatever dastardly power game
You have going on right now, but I have a 5:00 shabbat, so...
Ah.
Thank you.
Shalom aleikhem.
Aleikhem shalom.
So, convicted for treason by the knight's court
In the french town of larroquette,
I watched as my mentor, the marquis post's head
Rolled from the guillotine to my very feet,
Thinking, "this has ruined a perfectly good opera."
Lillian, this afternoon was so pleasant.
We'd love to induct you as a fully vetted member
Of newport's very own clam bake club.
Are you familiar with our organization?
Am I familiar with your organization?
It's only the most prestigious mollusk-based social group
In all of north america.
We put those insufferable dunderpates
In the portsmouth scallop society to shame.
I would love to finger clams with you two.
Well, then, looking forward to it.
Doors.
[vocalizing]
[upbeat music]
♪ I knew it all along ♪
♪ this is my destiny ♪
♪ I finally have it all ♪
♪ and no one deserves it more than me ♪
♪ the bottom 1% of the top 1% ♪
♪ is the loneliest place for a girl ♪
♪ but I'm the piece of sand who's gonna irritate the clam ♪
♪ until I turn into a pearl ♪
♪ I was on the outside, now I'm not ♪
♪ it's time to show newport what I've got ♪
♪ see this face? You're gonna see it a lot ♪
♪ it's exactly where I was meant to be ♪
♪ I can finally say ♪
♪ "hi, society" ♪
♪ the bottom 1% of the bottom 1%
♪ is just fine with me ♪
♪ because I got a letter and my life will get much better ♪
- ♪ when I work at a factory ♪ - hey!
♪ I thought it was hopeless I was wrong ♪
Get out of the way, blanche! This is my song!
[vocalizing]
Well, now I forgot what I was even singing about.
[groans] you're all fired!
[rap music]
Oh, I tell you, I feel like ten bucks.
It's as though getting off the morphine
Has actually improved my health.
Oh, mother, how long are you going to bring up
Your miraculous liberation from drug addiction?
Oh, darling.
Champagne, really?
Are you sure you want to poison yourself so soon
Before the big clam bake?
(lillian) champagne is like mother's milk to me.
If I had a mother who'd given me milk.
Oh, darling, you wouldn't have wanted that.
My teats were full of opiate poison.
I want to get out.
If I have wrinkly fingers at the clam bake,
People will think I have a wrinkly labia.
That you have wrinkly labia.
Plural. You have four.
Ugh. Don't remind me.
Frederick, today is the last day
Before you depart into the horrors of marriage.
Dodo has ordered me to throw frederick a bachelor party,
And I do not consider him a friend,
But legally he is family, so I must oblige.
And she pays my allowance.
- So, this is a bachelor party? - Yes, it is.
And this is a vagina.
But in hat form.
I had a local taxidermist fashion it for me.
Why would we wear genitalia as hats?
- It feels warm. - Mm-hmm.
And every good bachelor party starts off with shots.
- Dr. Goldberg! - Both: Shots! Shots! Shots!
Shots! Shots! Shots!
Who would like a syringe full first?
The bachelor boy, of course.
Fellows, I don't know about this.
I've never taken a drug before.
(goldberg) this is not a drug. It's a poem in your mind.
And then, if things turn bad, a poem in your sphincter.
But I'm afraid of needles.
That's okay.
[imitates airplane engine]
It's the wright brothers experimental
Lighter-than-air flying machine!
Ahh!
[airplane noises]
[both scream]
[both laugh]
Oh, thank you.
Yes, I know, I--
I do consider myself assembly line material.
Oh, gosh, well, I would say that my greatest strength
Is that I have an ability to pull an apple cart
All by myself.
And my greatest weakness--
Well, if I had to think of a greatest weakness,
It would be...
That I have to go to the bathroom every 14 hours.
And other than that, nothing.
Nothing.
Ooh, do a little turn.
Do a little turn. That's right.
Show daddy how pretty your dress is.
[1920s music]
♪ ♪
[music]
♪ ♪
[rap music]
♪ ♪
Not only do I get invited to the clam bake club,
But I get to ride in celery savoy's bathing machine.
Just when I thought I couldn't have another greatest day
Of my life, here I am.
Celery, is there anything I need to know
For the initiation ceremony?
No, you do a bathing rite in the ocean
And then we all stuff ourselves with clams.
Yum, and then we sing the legend of the clam,
Which is our society's official theme song.
Oh, I know it already.
♪ from the depths of the sand ♪
♪ to the silt of the sea ♪
♪ high tide, low tide ♪
♪ barnacles and cla-- ♪
Save your voice, lillian. We all sing it together.
Also, it's in c-sharp minor.
[gasps] we're here.
Lillian, why don't you go first?
[screams]
Oh, my dear.
I'm afraid all the spaces on this side of
The beach have been taken.
This beach is for members only.
- Go that way. - That's right.
You're on rejects beach, lillian.
Where you belong.
[distorted] poor people!
[distorted] hot dog?
Hot dog!
[rock music]
♪ ♪
[distorted laughter]
[crying]
(woman) ♪ alone ♪
No!
(woman) ♪ I'm all alone ♪
♪ alone ♪
♪ all by myself ♪
♪ I'm alone ♪
I can't believe it's finally happening.
I can't wait to lay my head on a pillow
Stuffed with damp hay.
You deserve it, blanche.
I'll never forget how you treated me here.
I misjudged you, chair.
I feel terrible about the way I treated you
The other day with beatrice.
What do you mean?
I barked orders at you,
I treated you as if you were an underling
Instead of a friend.
And also I dropped prime rib on your head.
Oh, that. It's all right.
What's a little beef-related assault between coworkers?
Oop, friends.
[sighs]
Oh, would you do one thing
Before you leave?
Anything.
Would you fetch the rendered beef fat from the meat locker?
Hortense wants a snack
And my hands get so cold in there.
You must toughen up those mitts.
What are you going to do without me when I'm gone?
You'll never get through the winter grave shoveling.
I would be happy to.
It will be my last chore here at bellacourt.
Oh.
Oh, my. It's locked.
Could you open the door?
Chair! Please!
I have my job interview!
- Tell it to the beef. - No!
Did you hear that? I said, "tell it to the beef."
No. No. No! No! Please!
Let me out!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[groans]
Garfield! What are you doing kissing me?
[coughs] you're fired.
I've already been fired, madam.
Oh, what a nightmare. They all laughed at me.
They wanted me to eat a hot dog.
Oh, yuck.
Celery doesn't want to be my sister at all, does she?
No, madam,
But you already have a sister,
A great one.
And she's in trouble.
And I can take you to her.
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm still reeling from my beach humiliation.
Oh, all right.
Well, just to clarify,
Your sister's in quite a bit of trouble.
Apparently beatrice has been sold into white slavery
And what's worse, she's acting!
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Oh, no, no, no.
Albert. Why won't you wake up?
♪ ♪
Bea is my sister.
- Bea is my sister. - Doctor goldberg.
♪ ♪
Am I a demon? Am I a demon?
[screams]
♪ ♪
I don't think I want to be married.
♪ ♪
- Beatrice! - Get out!
This is a closed set!
As soon as I saw that huge metal penis by my mouth,
All I could think about was my twin brother frederick
And I suddenly remembered who I was.
Falling charlie, what are you doing here?
- Trying to break into film. - Silence, chaplin.
Beatrice, let's go. We're here to rescue you.
Baby bea, you're not going anywhere.
- I own you. - [growls]
Ow!
There's no place like my house!
Some of the things I did were pretty embarrassing,
But luckily, nobody saw it except for me,
The director, the cameraman, the two actors,
And the noisy box with the glass eye.
Kind of looks like that one.
[blanche screaming]
She's been screaming like that for a while.
I'm really worried about her.
She insists that she had a job interview
In the meat locker.
Spirit of vishnu save us. This house is crumbling.
Stand aside, chair. Blanche.
Blanche, I'm opening the door.
Get out of there.
You'll freeze to death, you fool.
- [screams] - oh, you poor thing.
I think all that time in the meat locker's
Frozen her corneas.
She did it.
She did this.
Blanche, it's chair.
Your friend.
I'll handle this, chair.
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I have an I-I-I-I-interview.
I was supposed to work in a f-f-f-f-f--a factory.
I have a letter.
All right, all right.
I have a letter.
My god, this is serious.
"peepers = farts."
[whimpers]
I'm not amused, blanche.
No. I had a job interview today.
3:00 p.M. 419 maplewood drive.
- 419 maplewood drive?! - Yes.
Well, then we must go. I can take you there.
If we leave now, we still may make it.
Hurry, blanche. Hurry.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
[whimpering]
Oh, no, please.
Please, please, please.
No.
[upbeat music]
Hurry, garfield. I don't want to miss the wedding.
Well, I've been carrying you for miles.
It would be much faster if we all walked.
Yes, and it would be even faster if we flew.
Let's talk actual solutions.
What do we have here? It's a couple of whores.
- [gasps]
My eyes don't have a fraction
Of the sadness required to be whore's eyes.
Aye, and look at this fella with the short shorts
And the towel hanging from his pocket.
[both laugh]
Let's throw 'em in the big house.
- All right. - Ooh, yes. The big house.
That's where we live. Please take us home.
- They mean jail. - [gasps]
I'm not going to jail. I'm rich.
Might be one way out of it.
How skilled are ya at mouth jobs?
- [gasps] - I'll do it.
- Beatrice, no! - I'm already down here.
- No. - Oh, another disappointment.
Officer o'connolly, officer o'connor,
Cease harassing these prostitutes post haste.
What do you care about a few street whores?
We're not whores. We're bellacourts.
My god, it is you. Well, don't be ashamed.
The nags don't judge.
Regardless of race, size, or class,
We love all women.
Every single woman, all the prostitute women,
All our mother women, all our aunts,
Our female cousins, the females with dogs
And the females with cats, too.
Hey! Those stupid bitches are stealing our rickshaw!
Bye.
- Please, help us. - [laughs]
Oh, you barren, childless wretches.
No, we police don't help people anymore.
We just get mouth jobs and beat up the blacks.
Commodore, I'm so pleased you could make it
In time for the wedding.
- Where are my daughters? - I'm right here, papa.
I'm also one of your daughters.
Oh, I don't think of you as one of my daughters,
I think of you as a son that can't earn money
Or give me heirs.
Commie, I don't know how to tell you this,
But lillian and beatrice have gone missing.
They may not be at the wedding.
This is truly great news.
Without those two cocaine sponges here
To bungle everything,
This should go off like a well-oiled bear trap.
Right, boy?
Yes, papa.
[laughs] good lad.
[dramatic music]
Where did I put my--
So, you don't say hello anymore?
Christ, celine. How did you get in here?
Did anyone see you?
Is that how you talk to me now?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Punish me like the rabid cur I am--oh!
Shut up.
Again.
Oh! Again. Again.
The next one you'll have to earn.
What do you want?
I want your balls in a bag that I wear around my hip.
Barring that, I want the house.
[speaking spanish]
[screams]
[all speaking spanish]