previously on "californication"...
most recently, I gave man-birthto a weighty tome called "god hates us all,"
which was turned into a movie called "a crazy little thingcalled love.
" You startedwhen you cheated on me.
Cheating isn't just aboutfucking someone.
Are you trying to make methrow up now?
Happy endings may get a bad rap,but they do happen.
It is possible maybe one day youand mom could get back together?
Anything's possible.
Get on with your life and forget about the womanyou didn't want to marry.
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Californication Season1 Episode08
Moody.
Hi, sis.What's up?
The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
Pop.
Hey, kiddo.
On time, as always.
Sorry, I had a late shoot last night.
How was the flight?
Bumpy as fuck, but the cocktails helped.
So did business class, thank you very much.
- A guy could get used to that kind of thing. - you***
Not only is it a better meal, it's a better class of stewardess.
You should have seen the one I had.
Sweet jesus, guide me.
I think they call them "flight attendants" now.
She had tits out to here, legs for days, an ass like a 10-year-old boy.
Goddamn.
That's pretty.
What kind of floweris that?
That's a, uh,purple -- purple flower.
Nobody likes a smartass.
I don't havea fucking clue,
which never seemsto stop you from asking meevery other goddamn time.
Watch your mouth.
It's kind of crazyfor me lately.
I don't really have timeto stop and smell the flowers
and then look uptheir proper names online.
You find any timeto get married?
No.Still living in sin.
Your poor mother.
She's dead, pop.
I know.She's probably doing somersaultsin her grave right now.
shit.
What do you think?
It's pretty fancy, kid.
Sure you can afford it?
Don't sweat it.I'll be fine.
If you say so.
Okay, so who do I have to fuckto get a cocktail around here?
So, what are your thoughtson rehab?
Rehab is for quitters.
Come on.Come on!
I don't know your name.
You haven't asked.
Well, let's not standon ceremony.
- Trixie. - Trixie?
That is a terrific name...
if you're a hooker.
What makes you thinkI'm not a hooker?
Well, for one,you're far too beautiful.
And secondly, even if youwere a street-walkin' cheetah,
I would get youto give it to me gratis.
Oh, you think so, huh?
I have never paid for sexin my life.
I doubt that.
Oh, speakof the she-devil.
- Hey. - Hey.
Karen, trixie.Trixie, karen.
nice***
We're trying to determine if she is a professionalsex worker.
How nice for you both.
I need youto come with me.
And I need to usethe restroom.
You do that.Chicks with small bladdersare hot.
- Thanks. - To be continued.
So,your sister called.
Well, I figured she would.
Hank, I'm so sorry.
Well, I don't knowwhat to do with that exactly, but thank you, I guess.
Do you want to getout of here?
Yeah.Where?
Home.
Oh, home.That sounds nice.
But where is that exactly --home?Your home?My home?Our home?
Hank,I got you a ticket.
I hope that's fully refundablebecause I ain't going.
You're not goingto your dad's funeral?
He was a fucking asshole.
Come on, hank,you don't mean that.
Don't tell me what I mean.
Don't try to mother me.
Half the time you actlike you don't give a shit.Now you care?
I've always cared.
It's easy to say.
Hi.
Sir trix-a-lot.
- Want to getout of here? - Sure.
Meter's running.
The meter's running.
What shouldwe name him?
I know --let's call him "love.
" A crazy little thingcalled love.
And...cut!
That was fucking cash!
Carr, what the fuck?
"What the fuck" what?
I think my rectumjust prolapsed.
What's withthe fucking dialogue?
They rewrote it themselvesin the trailer.
He thought we could endon the kiss.
What do you think?
I think the man is money and we should listento whatever the fuck he says.
If he wants to tuck his magicalmovie-star cock
between his legs and do the pee-pee dance,
I'm putting that on film, too.
And I would wait on lineto see it.
Meanwhile, you're turningmy movie into a piece of shit.
Your book, my movie.
Don't be a backseat director,moody.
All due respect, sir,but your boy is exhausting.
Tell me about it.Drove us all batshit growing up.
That was fantastic,guys.
I hate that runty littlemotherfucker.
I don't know, seemed likea nice enough guy to me.
Very charismatic.
I liked himin that vietnam movie.He played a good cripple.
Pop, when there'sno more room in hell and the devil himselfwalks the earth,
don't you thinkhe'll be playing cripples and charming his wayinto the pants of many?
I'm proud of you, kid.
- Why? - Why?
This is the american dreamright here.
Your name is going to be upon the silver screen.You'll be immortal.
I've writtena couple books, too.They'll be aroundlong after I'm gone.
That's not the same.
You haven't read them.
Your mother filled me in.It's too many words for me.
You know who's a good writer?James patterson.
I read one of his bookson the plane.
Hank moody.
- Amber, hi.How are you? - Good.
This is amber.She's in the film.
Amber,this is my old man, al.
So nice to meet you.
The moodiestof the moodys.
I see the apple doesn't fallfar from the tree.
Come see me?
I've got some thoughts.
Okay, couple minutes?
Cool.
Oh, I've gotsome thoughts, too --
some thoughtsthat are making it just a little bit crowdedin my pants.
What's the story,morning glory?
Whoa.Settle down.
I'm a happily non-married man.
I always wanted to do that.
Fuck, that's good.Funny.
Good for you.
Who says americaisn't the land of opportunity?
Yep,another $10 dream come true.
It's gonna cost youa little more than that.
Stop that!
Maybe I should do oneoff your rib cage.
As you wish.
So, what are yourunning from?
Oh, please.No one holes upin a hotel room with a hookerand a pile of blow
without being on the runfrom something.
Stop jokingabout the hooker stuff.
You're making me paranoid.
Maybe it's the blow.
I'm not joking.
- Yes, you are. - No.
Oh, come on.Really?Let me get this straight --
your name is trixie and you are in facta whore?
My name is beatrice.
My parents thought it would becute to call me "trixie."
They still thinkit's cute?
They're dead.
Well, here's a thought.
Why don'T...
I do you this time,and then we call it even?
Well, you can dowhatever you want,
but you're still gonna geta bill for services rendered.
What about the blow?I paid for the blowand you partook.
Doesn't that get mea discount?
Sorry, sweetie.
What about the sex itself?
Was that -- I mean, how --how -- mm-hmm?
Well, I would be lyingif I didn't say that there were moments thatI thought to myself,
"whore, this isn't sucha bad way to earn a living.
" Okay,why don't we just call it "casual sexbetween consenting adults"?
Why don't you just pay me,and I'll be on my way?
Because then I'd miss you.
You can't snort a line of cokeoff a woman's ass
and not wonderabout her hopes and dreams.
It's not gentlemanly.
If you want to keep meon the clock, I'll tell you whatI wanted to be when I grew up.
Okay.
You take diner's club?
I'm not kidding.I don't --
I don't have any cash.
You don't have any cash?
I got the one.
How's the world'ssexiest architect doing?
- Grandpa! - sorry
Your mother happens to bea world-class beauty.
Too good for this mutt fatherof yours.
I'm remodeling a placein venice.
The client wants itall green.
Painted green?
Who is he --the jolly green giant?
You have no ideahow close you are to the truth.
You should meet this guy.He's a total dial tone.Just A...
He's paying me very well.
He's got great taste,and he's not an earth-hater.What's not to like?
Maybe the fact that he seems tohave a huge crush on you.
Oh, please.***
Becca agrees with me.
He does get a little goofyaround you, mom.
***
See?He gets goofyaround you.
What about all those actresseson your set***?
Oh, come on.
Yeah, I think I metone of those today.
You better be careful,karen.This onewas sex on a stick.
No, no, I didn't thinkshe was that attractive.
I thought she was moreof an eyesore, really.
Are you kidding --the way she hugged you?It almost triggeredmy angina.
Well-played, pop.
Come again soon...please.
What's an angina?
Do I have one of those?
No, sweetie.
Do you want to come to the zoowith us tomorrow, grandpa?
Would that I could,my love, but I have to go downto san diego to see an old friend.
Do you want to comewith us, dad?
I'm sorry, baby.I've got to work.I can'T.
That's why you're here?
Come on, don't besuch a whiny little bitch, hank.
Once again, my apologies.
He is sometimes --a whiny little bitch.
- Hey! - Rebecca, that's not funny.
That's really not funny.
That little fuzz comingfrom your bottom lip --
are you gonna bea trumpet player or something?
Yeah, I'm gonna bea trumpet player.
Breathe.Count to ten.
It just pisses me off.
Becca actually wants tospend time with the guy,
and he's got to go run offand visit some old cooze
he was banging on the side30 years ago.What?
Why do you even careanymore?
Because that's exactlythe type of shit that put my motherinto an early grave, that's why.
Hank, he's old man.
Give the guy a break.
Whatever wrongs he's committed,just put them to one side.
You're not gonnachange it now.
Anyway, the guy probably hasthree erections left.
You should let himenjoy them.
That fucker is the horniest manI have ever met.
He'll be pitching a tenton his deathbed.
I don't know why you're sopissed at him for not spending timewith his family.
You never do.
Do not -- do notturn this around on me.
Hank, I know you're busy.
It comes with the territory.
But I have not hada conversation with you for like three months.
You just don't give a shitanymore.
Your head so farup your own ass, and you don't even know it.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
I think you're right.
You're only saying that'cause you feel sorry for me.
no***
Okay, here's the plan.
As soon as I finishthe movie, we pack up the carand go back to new york city.
Hank, how can you beso self-absorbed?
What?
We came here for you, right?
I had nothing here.
And now that I've startedto make things work for me and I'm earning a living,
it just means nothing to you.
You're redesigning housesfor assholes.
How is that any different from redesigning scriptsfor assholes?
It's not.That's my point.We got to get out of here beforethe city destroys us both.
You know,it's really not the city.
Come on, tiny dancer.Is that the best you got?
Oh, not the face.He's too cute.
Thank -- ohh.Fuck!
Your pimp hand is strong.
Well-played, son.
That's not funny.
You okay?
All right, what arewe talking about here?
You make me an offer, I willcounter the shit out of it.
We will handle this like the proud, beautifulblack men we are.
I need somethingfor the valet.
Both our pimps are here.Mine gets 10%.What does yours get?
10% of what exactly?
See you later, sweetie.
Bye.
A veterinarian.
Huh?What?
I always wanted to bea veterinarian when I grew up.
You know,it's never too late.
Good night.
Okay, big boy.
Here we go.
You just cry it out.It hurts.
I know it hurts.
No, you're fucking hurting me.
- I'm sorry. - You're hurting my ears.
Why are you crying?
I'm sorry about your old man.
He was a good guy.
He was not.
He used to sayyou looked like a walking penis.
Well, that's not very nice.
It's not.
All right, come on.We got to get you on a plane.
Fuck that.
No, fuck you.
You're goingon a plane to jfk tonight.
You're gonna bewith your sisters.
You deal with this shit.You don't run from it.
Don't tell me what to feel.
All my fucking life, people have been telling meI do things wrong.
I'm alwaysthe fucking asshole.
And I look around and I seeeverybody else is infinitely more fucked upthan I am.
I don't know those people.
It could be the blow.
yum
Married or not, that's a hell of a familyyou got there, kiddo.
I like to think so.
Can I give youa bit of advice?
Do I have a choice?
I know things are crazyfor you right now --
I've been there,in my own way.
Just don't go so far that youcannot find your way back.
That's all I'm saying.
Keep 'em close.Family comes first.
That borders on hysterical,coming from you and all.
What, I was so bad?
Your mother and I were togethertill the bitter end.
Bitter, it was.
I can't believeyou're gonna sit there and pretend to be all nobleabout this shit.
If you've got somethingon your mind, out with it.
You were alwaysfucking someone else.
Your mother and ihad a lot of problems.
We were married young, and we were not compatiblein that way.
You know what I mean?
I think I do,and I'd like somebody to
fuckin' smack meover the head with a shovel right now --anyone.
I'm not proudof some of the things I do, but if I had to do itall over again,
I'm not sure I would go at itany differently.
Why do you say that?
Because there's not a womanthat I've crossed paths with
that I haven'tfallen in love with,
whether it wasfor 10 minutes or 10 years.
What would have been better --a lifetime of denying that?
Your mother was into all thatcatholic guilt shit, not me.
Life's too shortto dance with fat chicks.
Let me get this straight --
the lesson here iskeep the family together and fuck around on the side
if your wife doesn't want toblow you anymore.
You watch it.
I'm not so old that I won't kickthe shit out of you.
I rememberthat shit, too.
So now I beat you?
You know what the problemwith your generation is?
You think raising a handto a kid is the same as child abuse.
I don't have itright in front of me, but I think that'sthe textbook definition.
Always the smartass.
Hey, it's your life -- yours to screw upif you want to.
I was here a year ago.
You were much happierthen...
and even happierthe year before that.
You're not goingin the right direction.
I swearto fucking god, karen, I am not sleepingwith anyone else.
Well, you're certainlynot sleeping with me.
How is that my fault?
Every time I geteven remotely close to you, you run halfwayacross the room.
No, I don'T.
Anyway,that didn't used to stop you.
You know whatthe weirdest thing is?
I actually wishyou were having an affair
because then I would stoplooking for clues everywhere.
I would never do thatto you.
You say that.
That's just 'cause that'syour fucking romantic ideal,
but the truth is,you think about it.
Yes, I think about it.Who doesn't?
I never did.
Never did?
Past tense --that's a little unsettling.
Hank, you should tryand live with someone how fucking lucky you areto be with them!
God damn it,that is not how I feel.
That is how you act.
Well, fuck, karen.It's life, then.
I guess it's hard sometimes.
You're gonnahave to deal with it.
I am tryingto deal with it!
That's why I'm havingthis conversation with you.
Hank, we needto go see someone.
I am not goingto a fucking shrink!I'm a writer!
I don't give that shit away.
We're better than that.
We're better than that?
Because it feels to me likewe're fucking dying here, hank.
We are not talking.
We are not fucking.
Nothing is happening.
And?
And I find myself wantingto talk to other people.
Like bill?
You fucking talkingto bill?
The jolly green giant?
I'm kidding, karen.
I don't even want to godown that road.
Have you fucked him?
It's so fucking typical.
You go straightto the fucking.
You don't even careif I'm talking to him, if I'm telling him things --
just answerthe fucking question!
You didn't answer me.
Yes, I did.
You know me.
The talking and the fuckinggo hand in hand, hank.
I got to get the fuckout of here.
No, no.You know what?
- Allow me to do -- - come here.
No.
Hank, this isn'tgonna work.It's not gonna --
- stop! - Let me go!
Is it safe?
I don't know, honey.You might want to graba helmet.
There could be some shrapnelflying around.
Are you guysgoing to get a divorce?
I think that's the good thingabout never being married --
it's impossibleto get a divorce.
You know what I mean.
I-I-I know what you mean,and I'm doing the best I can.
hank honey
ac ****
- Hank. - Yeah.
"To my son, the writer.
"Something I never saidtoo much -- I love you.
"My fathernever said it much, either.
And I thought I'd be different,but I guess I'm not.
"I tried, but somewherealong the line,
"you slip backinto what you know, "and I'm sorry about that.
"And I'm sorry we haven't talkedin a while because I miss you.
"You're a good kidand a funny kid.
"And you're my only son.
"I said I never read your books,but I lied.
"I read 'em all.
"I just didn't know howto talk about them with you.
"I didn't like the fathersin them.
"I know you writerstake liberties, "
but I was afraid that maybeyou didn't take any at all.
"But that's the thing -- "boys become men, and menbecome husbands and fathers.
"And we do the best we can.
"You're doing the best you can.
"You've done good.
"Your books will be in librarieslong after we're both gone, "and this is important.
"More importantis how you treat your family.
"I wasn't a perfect husband,but I loved your mother, "
and I'm gladwe spent our lives together.
"And I'm here if you need me.
"That's all I wanted to say.
Love, your old man.
Oh, "P.S.
- - I saw a previewof your movie the other night.
"It looks like a piece of shit.
"Maybe you were right.
The white zoneis for the immediate loading and unloadingof passengers only.
So, we'll beright behind you.
The moment beccagets out of school, we'll get a flight.
I love you.
Hank...
I...I didn't say itto hear it back.
Thanks for helping me...
get my headout of my ass.
It's what I do.
Hey, karen, do you knowwhat this is called?
Yeah,it's a jacaranda tree.
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Californication Season1 Episode08