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Subtitle:
www.sub-way.fr (1.00)

2
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<i>Previously on</i> Californication...

3
00:00:16,966 --> 00:00:18,721
I'm having a crisis of faith.

4
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:20,762
Put it simply, I can't write.

5
00:00:20,882 --> 00:00:24,139
You have this incredible talent
and you're flushing it down the toilet.

6
00:00:24,417 --> 00:00:26,846
Maybe you're right.
I'm fucked up right now.

7
00:00:27,006 --> 00:00:29,385
- I need you, baby.
- I'm getting married.

8
00:00:30,071 --> 00:00:32,707
- Is Dad a bad person?
- No, not at all.

9
00:00:32,979 --> 00:00:35,755
I mean, he does have a habit
of getting into trouble sometimes.

10
00:00:35,937 --> 00:00:37,188
Fucking fucker!

11
00:00:39,419 --> 00:00:42,652
Get on with your life, and forget about
the woman you didn't wanna marry.

12
00:00:42,772 --> 00:00:44,147
As your friend and agent,

13
00:00:44,357 --> 00:00:46,942
may I suggest
you start looking for a nice girl?

14
00:00:47,062 --> 00:00:50,704
- What is your name, by the way?
- Wouldn't you rather just fuck me?

15
00:00:51,014 --> 00:00:52,679
I'm a scientologist, Hank.

16
00:00:54,518 --> 00:00:56,592
So, you're this famous writer, huh?

17
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,312
This is Mia, Bill's daughter.

18
00:01:00,484 --> 00:01:01,281
She's 16.

19
00:01:01,534 --> 00:01:04,784
What happened the other night
will never happen again.

20
00:01:04,962 --> 00:01:07,221
I know you guys aren't gonna live
happily ever after.

21
00:01:07,341 --> 00:01:09,331
It's just nice
to be together sometimes.

22
00:01:09,451 --> 00:01:11,776
I wanna go back
and do it all over again.

23
00:01:11,896 --> 00:01:13,312
I'm gonna marry Bill.

24
00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:16,162
- I wrote something.
- You what?

25
00:01:16,372 --> 00:01:18,179
Hank wrote a new book?
Can I read it?

26
00:01:18,299 --> 00:01:20,130
- t's not appropriate.
- What did you write?

27
00:01:20,277 --> 00:01:22,953
An older man unwittingly bed
an underage girl.

28
00:01:23,073 --> 00:01:24,129
I wrote this novel.

29
00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:26,003
She wrote the book of the year.

30
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:26,906
Really?

31
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,968
If I say anything, there's no
stopping her from telling Karen.

32
00:01:30,088 --> 00:01:31,388
Fuck, the police!

33
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:34,693
If anyone knows of a reason
why this couple should not wed,

34
00:01:34,813 --> 00:01:36,579
speak now
or forever hold your peace.

35
00:01:36,699 --> 00:01:37,518
What?

36
00:01:38,321 --> 00:01:40,228
- Wait! Hank!
- You sure?

37
00:01:40,398 --> 00:01:43,868
- Quick, before I change my mind.
- Karen, wait! Come back!

38
00:02:30,331 --> 00:02:31,481
Are you ready?

39
00:02:34,276 --> 00:02:35,266
Fuck, no.

40
00:02:36,631 --> 00:02:39,758
You are gonna be so glad
you did this.

41
00:02:39,928 --> 00:02:41,683
I don't wanna talk about it right now.

42
00:02:41,803 --> 00:02:44,484
I got a God-like erection,
seems a shame to waste it.

43
00:02:46,028 --> 00:02:48,112
- We gotta get going.
- Really?

44
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,953
You would deny a dying man
his final meal?

45
00:02:51,807 --> 00:02:52,857
Oh, my God.

46
00:02:53,121 --> 00:02:55,536
You are going to milk this
for all it's worth, aren't you?

47
00:02:55,656 --> 00:02:56,747
Absolutely.

48
00:02:56,867 --> 00:02:59,017
Don't make me beg, it's unseemly.

49
00:03:00,537 --> 00:03:01,347
Fine.

50
00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:05,622
- We'd better make it snappy.
- You won't feel a thing, I promise.

51
00:03:07,125 --> 00:03:10,142
- What are you doing?
- Just assuming the posish.

52
00:03:10,787 --> 00:03:11,882
Hot digidy.

53
00:03:12,444 --> 00:03:15,369
- What are you doing?
- Assuming my posish.

54
00:03:15,774 --> 00:03:17,019
Get a rubber.

55
00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:19,199
One more time, what's the big deal?

56
00:03:19,319 --> 00:03:22,670
That's my point, exactly.
I'll pull out and hose you down.

57
00:03:24,488 --> 00:03:26,526
Is that supposed to turn me on?

58
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,251
- Maybe?
- Hank...

59
00:03:28,371 --> 00:03:30,029
- It didn't?
- Not so much.

60
00:03:37,944 --> 00:03:39,780
You better start talking dirty.

61
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,550
This could take a while.

62
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:46,546
- What do you want me to say?
- Right before you come,

63
00:03:47,866 --> 00:03:49,030
call me Bill.

64
00:03:50,293 --> 00:03:51,849
Who says I'm gonna come?

65
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,650
A challenge.

66
00:03:54,498 --> 00:03:55,420
Game on.

67
00:03:57,927 --> 00:03:59,777
Get ready for Thor's hammer.

68
00:04:07,393 --> 00:04:09,469
- You wanna see it?
- See what?

69
00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:12,071
The section
of the vas def I just cut out.

70
00:04:12,282 --> 00:04:13,745
Vas def-initely not.

71
00:04:13,915 --> 00:04:17,792
If it feels like I'm sewing the flesh
of the base of your penis back together,

72
00:04:17,912 --> 00:04:19,049
that's because I am.

73
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,918
Why do you look like a welder?
You're not welding anything, are you?

74
00:04:22,142 --> 00:04:23,432
So, why the vasectomy?

75
00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:25,277
I hate the rubbers.

76
00:04:25,877 --> 00:04:26,886
Yeah, me too.

77
00:04:27,246 --> 00:04:28,588
I can't feel a damn thing.

78
00:04:29,882 --> 00:04:31,591
Try not to give the guy a hard-on.

79
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,726
That would be messy.

80
00:04:36,842 --> 00:04:38,447
Looks like there's a new Pope.

81
00:04:38,658 --> 00:04:40,343
Pain and swelling, totally normal.

82
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:43,248
A bag of frozen peas should do
the trick. Some prefer anemone.

83
00:04:43,418 --> 00:04:44,933
It's totally up to you.

84
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:47,933
No sex for 48 hours
and that includes masturbation.

85
00:04:48,103 --> 00:04:49,778
After that, the more the better.

86
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:50,808
Seriously.

87
00:04:50,928 --> 00:04:53,203
You still got a lot of viable sperm
up in there.

88
00:04:53,323 --> 00:04:55,065
Gotta get it out somehow.

89
00:04:55,185 --> 00:04:57,085
If you need any help, let me know.

90
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,705
Great-looking cock.

91
00:05:01,950 --> 00:05:02,886
Thank you.

92
00:05:54,097 --> 00:05:56,453
Don't think I don't see
what's happening here.

93
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:57,498
What's that?

94
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,677
You're not attracted to me anymore.

95
00:05:59,797 --> 00:06:01,215
That's right.

96
00:06:01,335 --> 00:06:03,349
I ran away with you
on my wedding night

97
00:06:03,602 --> 00:06:06,337
because you just don't
do it for me anymore.

98
00:06:06,457 --> 00:06:08,172
See, on a purely chemical level,

99
00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,822
you realize
that I can't impregnate you anymore.

100
00:06:10,942 --> 00:06:13,359
The biological imperative
has been compromized.

101
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:16,632
You should consider yourself lucky
that we are even having sex.

102
00:06:16,802 --> 00:06:19,013
I do. I do, and it's been rad.

103
00:06:19,461 --> 00:06:21,717
I forgot what a little hellcat
you can be.

104
00:06:22,776 --> 00:06:25,866
- No, please, don't do that. Seriously.
- That was gross.

105
00:06:26,036 --> 00:06:27,956
Man should not meow. Ever.

106
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,746
We're doing what couples do, Hank.

107
00:06:30,866 --> 00:06:33,132
We're making responsible,

108
00:06:33,437 --> 00:06:35,602
grown-up decisions together.

109
00:06:36,026 --> 00:06:39,176
- Why are you smiling like that?
- How am I smiling?

110
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:40,835
Like a retard.

111
00:06:42,266 --> 00:06:45,775
This is nice to hear you refer to us
as a couple again. It sounded good.

112
00:06:47,906 --> 00:06:50,356
They really did neuter you,
didn't they?

113
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,328
Kiss the eunuch.

114
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,420
- Honey! God, don't grind it.
- I know, I'm so sorry.

115
00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:15,821
How's the package?

116
00:07:15,941 --> 00:07:18,541
It's not a conversation
I ever wanted to have with my daughter,

117
00:07:18,661 --> 00:07:20,470
but thanks for asking, sweetie.

118
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:21,527
She called.

119
00:07:22,021 --> 00:07:22,871
She who?

120
00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:24,764
That real estate whore.

121
00:07:24,975 --> 00:07:26,691
She's bringing some people by.

122
00:07:26,811 --> 00:07:28,167
Language, young lady.

123
00:07:28,378 --> 00:07:31,221
Next time she tells me to clean my room,
I'm gonna say,

124
00:07:31,341 --> 00:07:32,778
"Clean this, lady"

125
00:07:32,898 --> 00:07:34,440
and give her a titty twister.

126
00:07:36,507 --> 00:07:38,286
As much as I'd like to see that,

127
00:07:38,406 --> 00:07:40,713
the idea is to sell this place
and get out of dodge.

128
00:07:41,119 --> 00:07:43,650
If you tidied up your shrine
to Norwegian death metal,

129
00:07:43,770 --> 00:07:45,351
it might facilitate things a bit.

130
00:07:45,562 --> 00:07:48,430
I don't wanna help sell the place,
because I don't wanna move.

131
00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:49,900
This is our home.

132
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,550
We're happy here.

133
00:07:51,791 --> 00:07:52,916
I love L.A.

134
00:07:53,412 --> 00:07:54,694
She's your daughter.

135
00:07:56,006 --> 00:07:58,431
Hey, honey, not that I mind having
this conversation

136
00:07:58,591 --> 00:07:59,699
for the 73rd time,

137
00:07:59,925 --> 00:08:02,702
but could we do it maybe
when Daddy's balls don't ache so much?

138
00:08:02,913 --> 00:08:04,973
And it's black metal, not Norwegian.

139
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:06,513
She needs more time.

140
00:08:06,828 --> 00:08:10,359
Karen, we have discussed this
like the responsible parents we are.

141
00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:13,045
Hank, New York will always
be there for us.

142
00:08:13,205 --> 00:08:14,918
You agreed she'd be
better off in NY.

143
00:08:15,041 --> 00:08:17,139
But it doesn't mean
we have the right to yank her away

144
00:08:17,259 --> 00:08:19,027
- from the only life she knows.
- God.

145
00:08:19,147 --> 00:08:20,902
Dammit, I need a cigarette.

146
00:08:21,761 --> 00:08:23,143
How about a Vicodin?

147
00:08:23,834 --> 00:08:24,906
I like it then.

148
00:08:25,117 --> 00:08:26,159
That'll do.

149
00:08:27,858 --> 00:08:29,553
My poor little gelding.

150
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,042
That's mean.

151
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:38,358
Peas!

152
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,051
Or anemone.

153
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:11,711
Feels nice.

154
00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:20,213
Make yourself at home.

155
00:09:21,588 --> 00:09:23,326
<i>Mi casa es su casa.</i>

156
00:09:24,649 --> 00:09:27,313
Might wanna start
out at the patio, though.

157
00:09:33,793 --> 00:09:36,863
Hey, big fellow. You think I might get
my hands on some frozen veggies, there?

158
00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:39,540
Think you should wait
your fucking turn.

159
00:09:46,883 --> 00:09:47,683
You.

160
00:09:48,184 --> 00:09:48,984
Me.

161
00:09:49,219 --> 00:09:52,011
- We...
- Sure did. A couple of times, actually.

162
00:09:52,222 --> 00:09:53,364
Long time ago.

163
00:09:53,484 --> 00:09:55,389
In a galaxy not so far away.

164
00:09:57,204 --> 00:09:58,654
So, what's going on?

165
00:09:58,878 --> 00:10:02,239
Not much, I'm just, you know,
in the market for some frozen peas.

166
00:10:02,409 --> 00:10:03,872
Maybe some anemone.

167
00:10:04,216 --> 00:10:05,410
Totally up to me.

168
00:10:06,703 --> 00:10:09,110
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, why? I'm fine.

169
00:10:09,941 --> 00:10:12,948
- You seem like you're in pain.
- No more than usual.

170
00:10:13,611 --> 00:10:14,870
How are you doing?

171
00:10:15,105 --> 00:10:17,411
Old same old.
Living <i>la vida loca</i>.

172
00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:20,102
True that.
It's hard out there for a pimp.

173
00:10:22,111 --> 00:10:22,911
So...

174
00:10:24,652 --> 00:10:27,562
You wanna get high
and listen to some...

175
00:10:28,182 --> 00:10:29,130
records?

176
00:10:30,191 --> 00:10:31,090
Oh, dear.

177
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,116
Would that I could but...

178
00:10:34,514 --> 00:10:36,589
Big life changes
since the last we met alone.

179
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,574
I got back together with the ex.

180
00:10:39,715 --> 00:10:40,759
Baby mom.

181
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:42,368
So I...

182
00:10:44,595 --> 00:10:45,698
That's too bad.

183
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:47,988
You were a great lay.

184
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:50,997
Well, that is...

185
00:10:51,909 --> 00:10:54,362
so sweet of you to say.

186
00:10:54,532 --> 00:10:56,825
I will tell the old lady you said so.

187
00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:58,778
Be well, Hank.

188
00:11:04,990 --> 00:11:05,876
You too.

189
00:11:11,492 --> 00:11:12,633
Surfer girl.

190
00:11:13,318 --> 00:11:14,994
What are you, some kind of pussy?

191
00:11:15,291 --> 00:11:16,996
She would have totally fucked you.

192
00:11:17,156 --> 00:11:19,465
- I don't do that anymore.
- You should do that.

193
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:22,935
While you still can. You never know when
you're gonna wind up in one of these.

194
00:11:23,072 --> 00:11:24,832
Come on,
you don't really need that thing.

195
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,343
I bet you just like to zip around.
It makes you feel special.

196
00:11:27,669 --> 00:11:30,058
Yeah? You ever hear
of a prolapsed rectum?

197
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:31,394
Asshole.

198
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,180
Rectum?

199
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,888
Damn near killed him.

200
00:11:40,174 --> 00:11:41,207
Yeah? No.

201
00:11:41,404 --> 00:11:43,189
She was there when I left.

202
00:12:05,107 --> 00:12:06,281
You, Becca.

203
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,779
In the car, now.

204
00:12:09,294 --> 00:12:11,350
- Dad...
- I'm not fucking around, now.

205
00:12:12,664 --> 00:12:13,842
Give me that.

206
00:12:17,658 --> 00:12:19,458
So who is this? Like your dad?

207
00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:20,628
Go away.

208
00:12:21,096 --> 00:12:22,561
I'm serious, I'll kill you.

209
00:12:24,092 --> 00:12:25,735
The guy is kind of a dick.

210
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:35,933
Kind of?

211
00:12:36,732 --> 00:12:38,259
I don't want her hanging out here.

212
00:12:38,379 --> 00:12:41,510
What am I supposed to do? Kick her to
the curb? She's my little sudo sister.

213
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:42,851
What is that?

214
00:12:44,877 --> 00:12:46,115
It's not a memoire.

215
00:12:46,235 --> 00:12:48,558
It's a written account
of my sexual relationship with you.

216
00:12:48,681 --> 00:12:50,589
Written by me, as a fucking novel.

217
00:12:51,336 --> 00:12:53,893
Even I'm confused
and I stole the damn thing.

218
00:12:54,053 --> 00:12:55,625
Well I hope you're enjoying it.

219
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:58,764
I hope all my hard work
is paying off for you. Is it?

220
00:12:58,975 --> 00:13:00,420
It is, very much so.

221
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:03,735
Just as I hope
you're enjoying my father's wife.

222
00:13:04,006 --> 00:13:06,288
- He says "hi", by the way.
- No, he doesn't.

223
00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:14,988
Are you alright?

224
00:13:15,832 --> 00:13:16,631
Here?

225
00:13:17,074 --> 00:13:18,333
You're all alone.

226
00:13:20,134 --> 00:13:22,994
Much as it warms the cockles
to hear you say it...

227
00:13:23,228 --> 00:13:24,820
I'm fine, don't worry about me.

228
00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:27,893
Worry about the Becca,
she's pissed off and she's scared.

229
00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:29,585
Scared?

230
00:13:30,573 --> 00:13:33,396
Think about it.
She got what she always wanted.

231
00:13:33,516 --> 00:13:36,138
The happy ending
to beat all happy endings.

232
00:13:36,258 --> 00:13:39,805
She's just waiting for the other shoe
to drop. For you to fuck it up.

233
00:13:40,346 --> 00:13:42,524
Or for Karen to realize
she made a big mistake.

234
00:13:42,786 --> 00:13:44,573
Both are bound to happen.

235
00:13:46,253 --> 00:13:48,253
Goddammit, I need a cigarette.

236
00:13:51,618 --> 00:13:52,498
Goodbye.

237
00:14:02,365 --> 00:14:04,114
I know you're pissed at me.

238
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,813
I know your mother and I have done
some unforgivable shit to you,

239
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,263
and I know you're approaching
that age where the very thought

240
00:14:09,383 --> 00:14:12,727
of having a conversation
with your father makes you nauseous.

241
00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:16,452
But I just wanted you to know
that I'm not gonna quit trying. Okay?

242
00:14:17,845 --> 00:14:20,753
'Cause you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

243
00:14:21,618 --> 00:14:23,385
I love the shit outta you.

244
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,081
How's the balls?

245
00:14:31,472 --> 00:14:34,158
The boys have seen better days,
thank you.

246
00:14:34,930 --> 00:14:36,305
Was that a laugh?

247
00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:40,464
My pain is funny to you?
Jesus, you're just like your mother.

248
00:14:40,584 --> 00:14:44,470
You should know what that woman put me
through. It is a hideous, barbaric...

249
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,534
Almost medieval procedure.

250
00:14:46,704 --> 00:14:49,035
Hank buddy,
you're preaching the choir, okay?

251
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:51,175
- I've been there.
- You've been vasectomized?

252
00:14:51,295 --> 00:14:53,382
Why do you think
we don't have any little rugrats?

253
00:14:53,505 --> 00:14:55,548
I guess I just always assumed
you were barren.

254
00:14:55,897 --> 00:14:56,818
Asshole.

255
00:14:56,988 --> 00:14:59,306
- Be nice to my wounded soldier.
- He started it.

256
00:14:59,426 --> 00:15:02,085
- Or the bald eagle was shooting blanks.
- That I am, my good man.

257
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:05,524
- Ever since the snip snip snip.
- Well, the second one.

258
00:15:05,761 --> 00:15:07,775
- You're gonna freak him out.
- What 2nd one?

259
00:15:07,895 --> 00:15:10,412
- The second what?
- You know, it...

260
00:15:10,672 --> 00:15:13,021
Sometimes, it doesn't take.

261
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,236
Doesn't take? That's not cool.

262
00:15:15,356 --> 00:15:18,287
That's not cool at all. No, no.
I did not have a perfectly good

263
00:15:18,497 --> 00:15:20,898
chunk of my vas def cut off
so I could go back

264
00:15:21,018 --> 00:15:23,309
to wearing condoms
like some pimply face teenager.

265
00:15:23,469 --> 00:15:25,293
- I love the rubbers.
- Why?

266
00:15:25,413 --> 00:15:28,164
- What do you mean?
- They slow me down, man.

267
00:15:28,374 --> 00:15:30,549
- Keep me in the game.
- Retard sensation.

268
00:15:30,709 --> 00:15:33,886
- You know what I'm saying?
- He's an excitable warm.

269
00:15:34,046 --> 00:15:36,589
Are you intimating
that he ejaculates prematurely?

270
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,270
- Nice, thank you.
- Great.

271
00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:44,997
Why would you guys want to go back

272
00:15:45,157 --> 00:15:47,493
- to that disgusting city of yours?
- Don't bring that up.

273
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:51,314
- It's because it's a city.
- Come on, "this is a city".

274
00:15:56,368 --> 00:15:58,961
So, yeah, this is Sonia, hey.

275
00:16:00,295 --> 00:16:01,230
Awkward.

276
00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:07,169
- Hey, Karen!
- Hey, Sonia!

277
00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:10,660
- Nice to see you again.
- I found something that works better...

278
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:14,226
You mean to say that you found
something better that a sudo religious

279
00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:17,179
cult founded
by a lunatic sci-fi hack?

280
00:16:17,439 --> 00:16:20,253
- Do tell.
- It's a little complicated over drinks.

281
00:16:20,373 --> 00:16:22,722
Maybe lunch tomorrow?
It's been too long.

282
00:16:22,842 --> 00:16:24,742
- Sure.
- Hold on a second.

283
00:16:24,862 --> 00:16:28,949
I'm not sure I feel about 2 ladies with
whom I've made love lunching together.

284
00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:32,829
Okay. I'm pretty sure
I feel pretty good about it.

285
00:16:33,305 --> 00:16:35,781
It's cute. You guys are...
You're officially back together?

286
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:38,399
For now, untill we fuck it up.

287
00:16:39,211 --> 00:16:41,053
Could be any second now.

288
00:16:41,457 --> 00:16:44,874
- Dude, Julien is a writer too.
- Really? My condolences.

289
00:16:45,494 --> 00:16:48,210
He wrote <i>The Artist Within</i>.
Fucking genius.

290
00:16:48,478 --> 00:16:50,412
- No way.
- Check please.

291
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:51,997
Hank, that's rude.

292
00:16:52,157 --> 00:16:54,633
- I'll send you guys a copy if you want.
- No need.

293
00:16:54,793 --> 00:16:57,303
I have it on my night stand right now.
I love it.

294
00:16:58,405 --> 00:16:59,842
Let me try to understand this.

295
00:17:00,015 --> 00:17:03,108
Hold on a second, you write about
what it's like to be an artist.

296
00:17:03,318 --> 00:17:06,367
- Don't be a douche, Hank.
- You ask the impossible, sweetheart.

297
00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:09,632
It's fine, he's trying the negativity.
It's normal.

298
00:17:10,752 --> 00:17:12,445
What I write about

299
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,323
is accessing the artist

300
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,829
that exists
inside of every single one of us.

301
00:17:16,949 --> 00:17:19,180
That really works.
I mean, I've never been happier.

302
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:21,527
My business has never been better.

303
00:17:21,687 --> 00:17:25,030
In fact, I'm thinking about expanding.
Bringing on an architect we should talk.

304
00:17:25,355 --> 00:17:29,016
So you really believe
that everybody on this planet

305
00:17:29,186 --> 00:17:32,031
has an artist inside them?

306
00:17:32,422 --> 00:17:34,881
Like an inner schnapple, if you will?

307
00:17:35,051 --> 00:17:35,891
I do.

308
00:17:36,101 --> 00:17:38,510
Which means
you must consider yourself an artist.

309
00:17:39,556 --> 00:17:43,232
I like to think of myself as more
of a... creative midwife.

310
00:17:43,442 --> 00:17:46,391
Well, I like to think of myself
as having a 12-inch cock,

311
00:17:46,561 --> 00:17:48,170
but it doesn't make it so.

312
00:17:48,430 --> 00:17:49,772
Two inches shy.

313
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,253
Well, we have to get going, baby.

314
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,499
- Fashionable late is one thing.
- Oh, right.

315
00:17:56,619 --> 00:17:59,498
You know what? We're going to
this party up in Laurel Canyon.

316
00:17:59,658 --> 00:18:01,842
- You guys wanna come?
- And in fucking up this house?

317
00:18:01,962 --> 00:18:03,332
A party? Even us?

318
00:18:05,182 --> 00:18:06,268
Fucking A, let's go.

319
00:18:06,388 --> 00:18:08,173
- Really?
- No, but have fun.

320
00:18:22,459 --> 00:18:24,623
- Quit smoking.
- Wow, lucky you.

321
00:18:24,743 --> 00:18:26,089
No, I'm gonna pass.

322
00:18:26,209 --> 00:18:29,230
- What did you give it up for lent?
- No, I'm...

323
00:18:29,811 --> 00:18:32,376
I'm pregnant.
You didn't notice my bump?

324
00:18:32,885 --> 00:18:35,076
Yeah, I did, I just thought
you put on weight.

325
00:18:35,196 --> 00:18:37,243
I'm kidding.
Congratulations.

326
00:18:37,712 --> 00:18:40,123
Thanks, thank you.
Yeah, we're very happy.

327
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:41,547
Well done, lady.

328
00:18:42,060 --> 00:18:45,105
Last time I saw you, you were boning
at a gender at doggie style

329
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:47,283
and projectile vomitting
all over Bill's bedroom.

330
00:18:47,406 --> 00:18:49,391
A few things
which I totally dug about you.

331
00:18:49,511 --> 00:18:50,657
Was that me?

332
00:18:51,629 --> 00:18:52,999
Don't ever change.

333
00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:54,393
What the hell...

334
00:18:55,419 --> 00:18:57,122
- What?
- Shooting cock pain.

335
00:18:57,282 --> 00:18:58,957
I gotta go. Good to see you.

336
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:05,716
My mama...

337
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,241
What the fuck!

338
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:12,081
I leave you alone for two seconds.
You're not supposed to do that.

339
00:19:12,201 --> 00:19:14,913
- Why not, daddy?
- You know why not.

340
00:19:15,634 --> 00:19:16,851
I know but...

341
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,144
Just look how nice they look.

342
00:19:19,304 --> 00:19:22,781
- Pretty little maids all in a row.
- You wanna go back to promises?

343
00:19:29,430 --> 00:19:30,963
Don't you remember?

344
00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:36,305
How good the sex used to be...

345
00:19:37,308 --> 00:19:40,201
when I used to sprinkle it
on your naughty bits?

346
00:19:40,938 --> 00:19:44,893
I seem to recall something vaguely
pleasant about the sensation, yes.

347
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:01,833
What do you know?
You're without the "artist within"?

348
00:20:01,953 --> 00:20:04,264
- You must be lonely.
- You must be jealous.

349
00:20:04,384 --> 00:20:05,924
That's kind of cute.

350
00:20:07,254 --> 00:20:08,304
We gotta go.

351
00:20:08,728 --> 00:20:09,465
Hank?

352
00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:10,797
I am so...

353
00:20:11,397 --> 00:20:13,808
touched
by what you did for me today.

354
00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:22,443
What I did for you today means that
I can't do this or anything like this

355
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:24,996
- for the next 48 hours.
- Oh, yeah.

356
00:20:27,796 --> 00:20:30,367
There is more than one way
to skin a cat.

357
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:33,952
I like you stoned.

358
00:20:34,205 --> 00:20:36,827
Do you?
I like you liking me stoned.

359
00:20:40,877 --> 00:20:42,752
- Holy shit.
- What?

360
00:20:43,632 --> 00:20:46,786
- I think you're giving me a boner.
- Well, that's great news.

361
00:20:46,906 --> 00:20:49,725
It's great news. No, it is. I just...
I'm afraid I might pop a stitch.

362
00:20:49,895 --> 00:20:51,762
- Come here!
- No, I wanna check it.

363
00:20:51,882 --> 00:20:53,128
I'll be right back.

364
00:20:53,298 --> 00:20:56,433
I don't want you to see him like this.
It could be bloody.

365
00:20:56,824 --> 00:20:58,274
What are you doing?

366
00:21:00,124 --> 00:21:01,702
Assuming the posish.

367
00:21:04,441 --> 00:21:06,268
Feel free to start without me.

368
00:21:11,885 --> 00:21:13,375
Hey, you got a rubber?

369
00:21:13,989 --> 00:21:16,657
I think I got the Ramses
in my wallet from high school

370
00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:19,283
- but I'm pretty sure it's expired.
- Hand it over.

371
00:21:19,453 --> 00:21:20,545
I was kidding.

372
00:21:20,715 --> 00:21:22,544
Fuckin chick is insisting I...

373
00:21:22,664 --> 00:21:24,531
- wear a rubber.
- What is that about?

374
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:26,813
- It's not very Rock n' Roll.
- Not at all.

375
00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:29,341
If it's dark enough,
you could rip open an Alka-seltzer.

376
00:21:29,645 --> 00:21:31,895
- And bang her with it!
- No, it just

377
00:21:32,121 --> 00:21:34,713
It will create the illusion
that you're wearing a jimmy hat.

378
00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:36,621
David Coperfield does it.

379
00:21:36,791 --> 00:21:37,981
Not on stage.

380
00:21:38,762 --> 00:21:40,586
- Thanks, man.
- No, I was kidding.

381
00:22:52,617 --> 00:22:53,978
Hey, asshole!

382
00:22:57,572 --> 00:22:58,313
Hello?

383
00:22:59,299 --> 00:23:00,112
Karen?

384
00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:08,607
- Anybody got an Alka-seltzer?
- Lew!

385
00:23:10,022 --> 00:23:12,751
This fucking perv just tried
to mouthrape me.

386
00:23:13,472 --> 00:23:17,422
What the fuck dude? You're a guest
in my home and you go mouthrape...

387
00:23:18,445 --> 00:23:21,033
- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Destiny.

388
00:23:21,751 --> 00:23:22,611
Felicity.

389
00:23:22,781 --> 00:23:24,820
Come on. There was no raping.

390
00:23:24,990 --> 00:23:27,292
I wasn't raping,
I'm not a rapy kind of guy.

391
00:23:29,682 --> 00:23:33,065
Karen, I was looking for you, there
you are. God, tell 'em I'm not rapy.

392
00:23:34,559 --> 00:23:36,668
I accidently went down on her.

393
00:23:36,908 --> 00:23:37,657
What?

394
00:23:37,872 --> 00:23:39,871
How do you accidently
go down on someone?

395
00:23:40,151 --> 00:23:41,463
Big house, lots of rooms.

396
00:23:41,633 --> 00:23:43,874
It was dark, I went to the bathroom,
I got turned around

397
00:23:43,994 --> 00:23:45,577
and accidently went down on her.

398
00:23:48,796 --> 00:23:49,987
I'll buy it.

399
00:23:50,436 --> 00:23:51,733
Sell it to her.

400
00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:57,155
So I seem to have procured
a lubricate prophylactic.

401
00:23:59,717 --> 00:24:01,141
I'll get the car.

402
00:24:06,326 --> 00:24:08,246
I know, I smell like pussy.

403
00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:12,898
I'm sorry Karen, I'm very sorry.
It was an honest mistake.

404
00:24:13,990 --> 00:24:16,623
You just had your mouth
on another woman's vagina.

405
00:24:16,793 --> 00:24:20,363
Yes I did. But the moment my tongue
hit clit, I knew it wasn't yours.

406
00:24:20,483 --> 00:24:21,679
It wasn't perfect.

407
00:24:21,799 --> 00:24:24,376
I could pick your pussy
out of a police line up of pussy.

408
00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:27,837
I could. You know, if your pussy
was ever arrested, God forbid,

409
00:24:28,007 --> 00:24:30,449
and it had to be identified
in some kind of a line up,

410
00:24:30,569 --> 00:24:33,502
I would get it right away.
"Pussy number two, step forward.

411
00:24:33,672 --> 00:24:34,793
"Turn profile.

412
00:24:35,582 --> 00:24:36,832
"That's Karen."

413
00:24:37,436 --> 00:24:42,173
My God. I must have been fucking crazy
thinking things could be different.

414
00:24:42,983 --> 00:24:43,919
Fuck me!

415
00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:54,659
Don't start saying things
you can't take back.

416
00:24:54,829 --> 00:24:56,598
I don't wanna take it back.

417
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,391
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

418
00:24:58,511 --> 00:25:00,252
- You do.
- Don't tell me what I mean.

419
00:25:00,372 --> 00:25:02,422
- Good evening, sir, ma'am.
- Good evening.

420
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:04,018
You know why I stopped you?

421
00:25:04,138 --> 00:25:06,099
No I don't, sir. Educate me,

422
00:25:06,457 --> 00:25:07,443
officer...

423
00:25:08,551 --> 00:25:10,245
Dick? Really?

424
00:25:11,402 --> 00:25:12,510
Officer Dick.

425
00:25:12,630 --> 00:25:15,152
And that was mean by the way.
That was really a low blow.

426
00:25:15,272 --> 00:25:17,322
Coming from the "mouth rapist"?

427
00:25:17,532 --> 00:25:19,039
You have a headlight out.

428
00:25:19,159 --> 00:25:21,710
Yes, it's been that way for months.
But tonight I get stopped,

429
00:25:21,883 --> 00:25:23,942
of all nights.
It's just my fucking luck.

430
00:25:24,062 --> 00:25:25,985
'Cause this is all about luck.
It hasn't...

431
00:25:26,105 --> 00:25:28,168
Could we just sleep on this?

432
00:25:28,288 --> 00:25:30,689
Is there a reason why
you're not wearing a shirt, sir?

433
00:25:30,859 --> 00:25:33,105
Yes, there is, officer.

434
00:25:33,225 --> 00:25:35,852
There's a very good one
and I couldn't even begin to explain.

435
00:25:35,972 --> 00:25:37,273
Oh, no! Try.

436
00:25:37,393 --> 00:25:39,951
Try see if he thinks
it was an honest mistake.

437
00:25:40,071 --> 00:25:42,099
Okay. One more time
for the Cheap Seats.

438
00:25:42,219 --> 00:25:44,553
What happened back there
could've happened to anybody.

439
00:25:44,673 --> 00:25:47,799
Wrong place, wrong time,
wrong vagina.

440
00:25:47,959 --> 00:25:48,924
Shut up!

441
00:25:49,044 --> 00:25:52,488
- I'm sorry, he's been drinking.
- What the fuck, Karen?

442
00:25:54,083 --> 00:25:56,744
- Have you been drinking, sir?
- Hours ago...

443
00:25:57,331 --> 00:26:00,436
you know, but not to excess,
I don't do that anymore.

444
00:26:00,556 --> 00:26:03,348
I mean I do. But not nearly
as often as I used to.

445
00:26:03,652 --> 00:26:05,618
And he's been taking Vicodin.

446
00:26:05,827 --> 00:26:06,917
Oh, come on!

447
00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:08,930
That's... Karen...

448
00:26:10,216 --> 00:26:12,941
I know you're pissed at me
for going down on that woman,

449
00:26:13,293 --> 00:26:16,948
but are you trying
to get me thrown in jail?

450
00:26:17,118 --> 00:26:20,006
- Could you step out of the car, please?
- Hold on, sir. You know there's...

451
00:26:20,126 --> 00:26:23,188
- Out of the car now.
- You caught us at a really bad time.

452
00:26:23,308 --> 00:26:26,372
- Yeah, it's a bad time.
- Excuse me for saying so, ma'am.

453
00:26:26,492 --> 00:26:28,779
You don't have to put up
with this kind of behavior.

454
00:26:28,899 --> 00:26:31,245
Why don't you just mind
your own fucking business?

455
00:26:31,365 --> 00:26:33,374
- Hank, just shut up.
- Excuse me, sir?

456
00:26:33,494 --> 00:26:36,235
All due respect but aren't you stepping
outside the job description?

457
00:26:36,355 --> 00:26:38,620
I didn't know you guys had the right
to editorialize.

458
00:26:41,807 --> 00:26:44,005
Have you been smoking marijuana, sir?

459
00:26:45,536 --> 00:26:46,583
One hit.

460
00:26:46,926 --> 00:26:48,251
- One!
- Okay, let's go.

461
00:26:48,371 --> 00:26:50,530
Come on, you can't arrest somebody
for being a wiseass.

462
00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:53,552
No but I certainly can
for driving under the influence, can I?

463
00:26:53,672 --> 00:26:55,331
Officer, excuse me.

464
00:26:55,451 --> 00:26:58,382
This is just like
a big misunderstanding.

465
00:26:58,502 --> 00:26:59,701
Of course it is. OK?

466
00:26:59,821 --> 00:27:01,988
You know,
the thing that I can't understand

467
00:27:02,108 --> 00:27:03,675
is what a woman like that

468
00:27:03,835 --> 00:27:07,387
is doing with a prick, like you.
She's got to have screw loose right?

469
00:27:07,668 --> 00:27:10,015
Maybe that's how you like 'em,
right a little crazy.

470
00:27:10,503 --> 00:27:13,502
Maybe if you go down on her
a little more often.

471
00:27:15,341 --> 00:27:16,258
What the f...

472
00:27:29,611 --> 00:27:30,830
Not the balls!