Previously on "californication"...
Hey, know you.
Charlie runkle. daisy. daisy.
That's actually my ride.
You going to the set? I'll come with.
Did you negotiate, daisy?
Did you lay out clear rules for
what you will and will not do?
-No. -that's it! bigs, stop the van!
Get the fuck out! you're going too, sweetheart.
Let's go!
Judas priest, hank.
What are you up to?
I was hoping you'd finally make an honest woman of me.
So you're pregnant, right?
Yeah. I am pregnant. yes.
I think what you're saying, sonja,
That hank could very well be the father of the child, right?
God, I'm sorry.
I didn't want it to come out like this.
I made a huge mistake. no.
Marrying bill was definitely not the answer.
Don't.
Neither is marrying you.
I...
I can't stay.
Wo hey.
There you go. that's probably enough.
Whoa! gorgeous, huh?
And now let's check on those onnies
That we've got going here.
Whoa! yum, yum...
Hello!
You look like ass!
That's funny, 'cause I feel like ass!
Ass that's been rid hard and put away wet.
Drink.
Re-e-e-vitalize!
Ah! geez, that's full of vodka.
Yeah.
Ohh, these onnies smell yummy!
All right. let's put some more in there.
Why not, right?
Everybody loves onions.
Ahh! tear, tear.
Sometimes these onions are just too much
for this little gal
Chloekins has a trick for everything.
Spesh, right?
There's something about that woman.
I want to fuck her,
but I kind of want to punch her in the face, too
It's weird.
Ha-ha! you want to hate-fuck her.
No worries. we'll get her for you.
Get who for me? chloe metz?
I know people.
Yeah, I know people, too. they're not magicians.
Well, you don't know the right people.
You're in ashby's world now.
Drink the fuck up!
Refresh yourself.
Baking's easy when you're cooking with chloe!
What are you doing here?
Come on.
Quit acting like you're not happy to see me.
Hug back.
Shower the people you love with love.
We don't care what the mean girls think.
Is something wrong?
Why? it's wednesday, 3:00 p.m.,
Close enough to the dot
that I don't have to apologize for leaving you stranded.
It's tuesday. mom picks me up on tuesdays.
It is wednesday.
No, it's not.
Really?
cause I've got a serious hump-day vibe happening.
You sure?
There's mom.
Aw, shit.
Uh, hi.
"hi" to you on this --
This is a beautiful weekday, isn't it?
What are you doing here? well, I was in the neighborhood,
So I thought I'd grab a few minutes
Of father/daughter rapprochement
Before you swoop by to pick the little monster up.
So...you think it's wednesday.
Come on.
I plead the 5th.
Of vodka. I can smell it on you.
You can't smell vodka. that's the beauty of it.
Are you staying at lew ashby's?
For the time being, yes.
We haven't printed the formal announcements yet.
Okay. do you think that's such a great idea?
The road to lew ashby's house
Is paved with goodish intentions.
Thank you for asking. I'll be fine.
Hey, why don't you take becca home?
You guys haven't hung out in a while,
And you're here, so...
What do you say, uzbekistan,
You want to wile away an hour with your old man?
Grab some ice cream?
You down for some 31 flavors?
I'm not a child.
Well, I am, so I am desperately hoping
There's some "very berry" something or other
In my immediate future.
Into the chariot.
That's great.
Have a good time, sweetie.
So, drive safe --
This sucks.
Goodbye, hank.
Goodbye.
Where have I heard that before?
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
This sucks.
Great minds think alike.
Hello. Hot lips.
No, I'm not a deep-voiced woman.
I'm just helping my wife out.
Yeah, that's right -- the masturbating agent.
Can I help you or what?
What, exactly, might that be?
Ouch. hold on. I'm gonna have to ask.
Baby, do we do balls?!
Shh! what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Got ladies present.
And no, sir, we don't do balls.
I'm sorry. we don't do balls.
Hey! hey! it's Daisy!
Daisy, how you doing?
I've been blackballed.
What is that, like an interracial tea bag
Kind of thing, or...
It's no one will fucking hire me!
Word got around what you did,
And now everyone thinks I'm a troublemaker.
Porn people don't like troublemakers.
They want you to hit your mark
Suck your dick, then go.
Hey. it's gonna be okay. don't cry. don't cry.
We'll -- we'll, you know...
It may not look like much to you,
But I've worked really hard to get where I am.
You don't need to tell me. I saw.
Jesus h., Runkle.
You're supposed to be helping out and shit
Not causing a ruckus.
He ruined my career.
Oh, well, he's good at that.
Usually, his own.
What?! don't be hatin' 'cause I speak the truth.
You're supposed to support me.
And you're supposed to
Masturbate in the privacy of your own home.
What are you, 14?
You can't keep your hands off
your dick for like two minutes?
Come here, daisy.
Buck up, hm?
It's like I told Charlie --
You could either cry like a bitch or smack a bitch.
So smack a bitch.
Don't you think I've been trying?
I know, mon.
Look -- this is on you.
Daisy's family, and you fucked her shit up.
Um, marcy, it's -- it's really starting to burn now.
Oh, okay. one second.
Thank you.
It's like I'm deforesting
The frigging rain forest back there.
I keep expecting tree monkeys to leap out of her bush
And attack me.
Fix this.
Okay, do you smell that gorgeous aroma?
That's what you're looking for.
Wait a minute.
I know you. It's on the tip of my tongue.
Ohh! and funny!
You didn't tell me he was funny.
Chloe metz. how the heck are ya?
A hell of a lot more impressed with Lew
Than I was a couple of hours ago.
Why?!
Well, a few hours ago, you were this big.
And now you're... you're this big.
Oh, oh, oh. hey, watch it, pal!
I don't barf after every show
Just to maintain a size four!
Chloe's assistant is pals with Kenny's cousin.
Well, fuck buddies.
Let's just try to turn the volume down a little bit.
Oh! it just doesn't stop with this guy, does it?
Ohh, Lew told me your sad story.
It's like you're laughing through the pain.
You poor baby. come here.
Yeah, you take a taste of this.
Here. try this.
It's gorgeous!
Oh, my god.
Yeah!
Oh, look. I got to take this.
Uh...play nice.
Aw, he's a sweetheart.
He's a prince among the non-princely.
So...
-Wanna fuck? -Yes.
Oh! stir my gravy!
Yeah, fuck me with your half-black cock.
Oh, yeah!
Come on.
Oh, get the chocolate!
The chocolate! get the chocolate!
Yeah, get the chocolate.
No, are you deaf?! get the chocolate!
Yeah.
Oh! oh, pour it on me.
Come on. slather it on me.
Make me your little cupcake.
Well, dig in!
Damn! that's damn-good chocolate.
Aw, thanks. I made it myself.
None of that hershey's crap for chloe metz.
Well, come on!
Breed me!
Oh! yeah, make me your bitch!
Fuck me like I'm al-qaeda!
Oh, yeah!
Yes!
Declaring jihad on your pussy.
All right. what I can do to help?
You can be my agent.
Yeah, okay.
You want me to fluff your co-stars while I'm at it?
I'm serious.
If I had a big hollywood guy like you on my team,
They would take me seriously.
Hey, I'm the fucktard who got you kicked off "the slam van"
In the first place.
I don't think those guys are too impressed with my shit.
Fuck "the slam van."
I'm done with that gonzo shit.
I need to move up in the world.
I need to work for the vivids, the digital playgrounds,
Adam & eve.
Is it hard to get those gigs?
Fuck yeah, it's hard.
I've been busting my nuts for weeks
Just trying to get a friggin' meeting with ronny praeger.
He's like the spielberg of porn.
Never heard of him.
You'd like ronny's work -- real artsy.
Dolly shots and crosscutting.
He's doing this adaptation of "chinatown."
Only ronny's calling it "vaginatown."
'cause it's not the water that runs l.a. --
It's the vagina.
And I would be perfect for the sister/daughter.
And I'd get to act. I've always wanted to do that.
-Really? -yeah.
I don't see why emoting and getting stuffed
Have to be mutually exclusive.
So, what's happened so far?
Did you ever get in touch with this ronny guy?
Fucker won't return my phone calls.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna call ronny praeger, see what I can do.
For real?
It's what I do.
I get people impossible meetings.
That is so awesome.
And don't worry. I will blow you.
Or did you want my pussy?
You look like you'd want my pussy.
That won't be necessary.
No, we're gonna keep this strictly business.
I do not...want... your pussy.
I could tell you're one of the good ones.
Am I the magician or what?
Man, you're like fucking doug henning.
Only not quite so macho.
Yeah.
Where were you when I was 12, fucker?
Imagine the possibilities.
Instead of whacking off to farrah fawcett,
I could have whacked off on farrah fawcett.
Feeling better?
You get the old lady out of your system?
I don't know if I got it out of my system,
But I discharged precious bodily fluids
all over your spare bedroom there.
Yeah, a little bit of hate-fucking --
Always good for the soul.
Lew!
Ohh! this man is gorgeous!
And this cock.
God, it's gorgeous.
You could wrap it up and sell it at whole foods.
Mm-hmm. yeah.
Okay, so, what's next?!
What do you mean, "next"?
Well, come on, fucker.
I got all night, and I'm ready for a little f-o-n.
F-o-n?
Yeah, "fun," but like a retard said it.
Ohh. oh, you had to be there.
Yet, sadly, I wasn't.
Look, we're gonna have to catch you another time,
Sweet chloe, 'cause, like, I got to hit the troubadour
And hank's coming with.
Ooh, the troubadour. I'm down with that.
No, it ain't gonna happen. no tagalongs.
Why not?
Because the words left my mouth.
Do I look like a person who says things he doesn't mean?
You know, we'll just do it another time, okay?
We'll catch you on the flip side.
But we'll -- we'll do it.
Okay. yeah, good. you've got my number, right?
Well -- chris does.
Chris does. kenny's cousin.
Kenny's...cousin has got the number.
-All right. cool. -cool?
On that note...
So, who's gonna give me a ride?
'cause my b.f.f. dropped me off.
Oh, come on. it'll be fun, guys.
Hey, I'm looking for ronny praeger.
You found him, but I'm late.
Unless you're a money guy. are you a money guy?
No, I'm an agent. I'm her agent.
Then I'm definitely late.
Hey, I called. you said you had time.
Oh, right, right.
You've got some bit of muff that's gonna rock my world.
Daisy.
She ain't right.
Well, hold on. you barely looked at her.
Listen.
Katherine is an innocent.
She doesn't have defenses.
This chick looks like she just blew her landlord for rent.
No offense.
None taken. I just did.
Anyway, I'm off to see cassavetes.
Sorry.
Oh, well. we tried.
What, are you kidding me?
I'm just getting started.
It's up here on the left. right there.
-Wow, that? -yeah.
Your abode has a very "june cleaver" vibe to it.
Ooh! hey, you want to say "hey"
To the beave one more time before I have to go?
Ordinarily, but lew here is on a very tight schedule.
We can't keep the hair bands waiting.
They're very excitable, the hair bands.
You know, so... mm.
It was real, chloe metz.
Real as in real.
Aw, all right. thanks.
It was really, really real.
Hey! none of that, mister!
All righty! okay.
Oh, hey! what are y'all doing tomorrow?
Or -- or friday. you know, either way.
We could hang. what do you think?
I know you did it again!
Who the fuck is that?
-Oh, it's my stupid husband. -you're married?!
Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't still party!
-No, yes, it does. -what? no!
Hey, come on! come on! drive, bitch! let's go!
What -- where are you going?!
Where are you going?! come back!
That's my wife!
You whore! whore!
Where you been?
Do I look like I shop at the friggin' limited?
I had to borrow this crap.
This is not crap. you look beautiful.
I do?
Yeah, actually, you do.
Hey, hey, hey, ronny.
Fantastic. you followed me here.
Yes. yes, I did, 'cause I'm a man on a mission.
You need to have another look at daisy here.
Hey, don't kill my buzz.
I just toked on a cassavetes joint.
I know how you feel. I love cassavetes.
Sure, you do.
It's why I got into the business, man.
Ben gazzara, "killing of a chinese bookie."
That scene in the car. total darkness.
If I had to choose between a blow job and cassavetes,
I would choose cassavetes.
Mm, I'd take the blow job.
So would i.
But I'd be thinking about cassavetes while I got it.
See, that's why I left all this hollywood crap behind me.
You know?
The shit they make is all about the surface.
Porn is about the real.
"vaginatown" is gonna be my magnum opus.
I want it to have the feel of, uh, "there will be blood."
You know? I'm really into period porn.
Not that kind of period porn.
This is why you have to hire daisy, man.
Look at this girl.
She's katherine.
What, do you think she arrived in l.a. all tarted up?
She's from long island, man.
She ran away from home, pregnant at 16.
Sexually abused, am I right?
She came to l.a. wanting to be an actress, man --
Stars in her eyes, all that shit.
And then you know what happened.
She got crapped on.
Over and over again.
Can you tap into that, daisy?
I don't know.
She can tap into that.
You can tap into that.
It doesn't matter.
The movie's not gonna happen anyway.
The financing just fell through.
You're shitting me!
I wish I was.
The moneymen don't support my vision.
Which I don't understand.
The "wall of cocks" sequence alone...
Would have blown people's minds.
The "wall of cocks"...
I got something for you.
How about I do both you guys, huh? right here.
What do you say?
Too shy for that.
Oh, you're shy?
Then what about watching a little girl-on-girl?
What do you say, sugar? huh?
Do you want me to slap the shit out of you?!
Come here. what the fuck is wrong with you?!
That's it! out of the vehicle!
Yeah, get the fuck out.
What the hell are you doing?!
And you can't cook for shit!
That duck breast was drier than the freakin' mojave,
You goddamn lunatic!
You want to know who the fuck you're dealing with, huh?!
Chloe metz! yeah. that's who.
Number 2 in households on the goddamn cooking channel
In homes all across fucking america, you motherfucker!
-Chloe. -oh, not you, hank.
Is that how you treat a lady?!
What the fuck you doing?
You can't just dump her out here in the middle of the night.
Yeah, she might rape somebody.
Stop the car.
Seriously, sam, stop this penis-mobile this instant.
I'm gonna go back for her.
Why?
Because despite all evidence to the contrary,
I am a gentleman -- you just don't do that shit.
Behind the music."
Whatever, dude. look, I got places to be.
Give sam a call, you need a lift back.
But just you. that schizophrenic cooking whore --
Not getting back in the fucking car, all right?
You.
Hey, baby.
How'd it go? you rock her world?
It went -- it went good, it went good.
Yeah, i, uh...
I-i got daisy the part.
Oh, hells, yeah! you got daisy the part.
'cause that's how charlie runkle rolls.
There's a little hitch.
You know, it's just -- it's a little one.
I, uh, I had -- you know,
I had -- I had to -- I had to invest 50 grand in his movie.
55.
Or, all right, 60.
I had -- I had -- I had to.
I had to invest 100 grand in his movie.
Well, fuck my rusty sheriff's badge.
Okay. i-i'll see you at home.
Things got a little crazy back there, huh?
Just your average, typical, everyday wednesday.
Tuesday.
So, you have a significant other of some kind?
Once upon a time.
Well, you screw like you're trying
To get something out of your system.
Man, if you threw down like that all the time,
You'd be dead.
Or have a very sore pee-pee.
Kids?
What's with the 20 questions?
Uh...they were two questions.
-Right. -so?
Daughter.
And it scares the shit out of me
To think that she might end up like you.
I mean, n-n-no offense,
But, you know, letting some guy order you off the tv
Like you're chinese take-out.
Is that really what it's come to mean
To be a member of the fairer sex
In the city of angels, circa 2008?
For someone as accomplished as you?
You're chloe fuckin' metz.
Ah, fuck if I know.
I'm just glad my kid's a boy.
All right.
That's a good-enough answer.
I would never have guessed that you just gave birth, either.
You are...
How do I put this delicately?
...tight for a new mom.
You know what? hm?
I think that's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Well, I'm not just saying it.
You're like a newborn kitten.
Fuckin'-a right I am.
N-not that I've ever fucked a newborn kitten.
Well, I would hope not.
I'm taking an imaginative leap.
I kegel when I cook.
Okay, well, that's reason number 357
To tivo the shit out of "cooking with chloe."
Well, there's mario.
Mm. you gonna be all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a pussycat.
I'd hate to see him when he gets mad.
Hey, baby.
You okay?
Mario, this is hank.
Paisan.
You want a ride?
Uh, no. no, no, no.
You and mario go be together.
Hello
can l talk to her?
she's out.
don't see it
on the date
oh shit
you guys always down,why don't you?
it's ok. she's seeing movies
I'm going to get her in a couple of minutes
er just ,u know ,tell her that i will be back
i will. hey i'm ,i wish u seen her
she looks so cute,she was really nervous
yeah, what shade of blouse did she go with?
oh, don't worry. she looks beautiful
Sure she did.she takes from her mother that way
-er,someone is sounding moving tonight.-always
-what are u up to?-nothing,just reading.
-it's sleep time.-u too.