this is rehab, okay?
I got to tell you all the bad shit I did.
so, uh, what? You hocked everything.
Is that it?
The cartier love bracelet,
the venetian glass we got on our honeymoon...
Hey, I didn't sell that ceramic bowl
that they gave us as a wedding present.
Oh, well.
I-I made that for you.
I know. It's special as shit to me.
That's for you, by the way. I made it in art therapy.
Really? Mm-hmm.
You're welcome. Thank you.
I will, uh... Treasure it always.
Jesus christ! Marce! Is there more?
Is that it? What?
[ exhales heavily ]
just the thing with the waiter at the airport chili's.
Marcy!
I need to fess up, okay? It's part of the process.
There was just a little bit of tongue.
I was gonna get on the plane to see my mother -- I swear.
But the guy had some blow. One thing lead to another...
We made out a little.
Enough. You know, just -- just stop, okay?
I mean, if I were doing anything like that,
you wouldn't want to hear about it, would you?
You absolutely would not want to know something like that.
Well, I wouldn't say absolutely.
And y-you were doing something like that.
Remember? With dani? You did.
You went off the deep end, and what did I do, runkle?
I stood by you. I forgave your ass.
And that's what he's doing. I mean, he's here.
He's standing by you.
You know, this is gonna be rough, honey.
You're just in the first week.
But you guys, you're gonna get through this.
Yeah, you're gonna be stronger in the places that are broken.
Like hemingway said.
I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
Well, fortunately, you will never have to find out.
We should go, give them some space.
Okay. Adieu, cokie smurf.
You look much better without that giant monkey on your back.
Mnh-mnh. Not good enough.
What? You want tongue?
I want everybody in. Come on, you two.
Literally? Like a group hug?
Yes. Please?
[ chuckles ]
all right.
Oh, yeah. That's right. Feel the love.
I'm feeling the love.
The love is strong.
I'm feeling something poking me on my left, is what I'm feeling.
I got a bro-ner.
Californication S02E09 - La Ronde
Transcript : YYETS
Sync : GeR
lew: Watch and learn.
Hank: mm-hmm.
Are you, uh, swinging on the exhale or the inhale?
[ inhales deeply ]
[ laughs ]
oh, you hooked it.
eh. Gator ball.
A little hook.
Okay, if I hit one ball way the fuck over
into houdini's front yard, then you have to tell me, right?
Everything janie said about you? Yeah.
No way. I don't interview and tell.
ugh!
Hook! Captain hook.
Come on, moody. It's my fuckin' life.
No, not anymore it's not. It's my book.
Besides, I'm not wagering on this game.
You invented it.
You made up all the bullshit rules.
yah!
Run, you cunt!
Ooh, that was all right. It came back.
Kind of a metaphor for life, isn't it, lad?
Yeah, it's ashby's world. We all just live in it.
Come on. I've been good lately. I haven't seen mia once.
She's been busy doing, uh, publicity for this, uh, book she wrote.
What is that -- A memoir or something?
Or something.
ooh. Whew!
Come on, give me a little something for good behavior!
All right! I can't tell you how I know this,
but the beverly hills husband -- Definitely cheating.
No shit.
No shit. I'll know more when I see her tonight.
You're gonna see her tonight? Mm-hmm.
Your labia got in the way of that one.
It's, uh... Friday night. Yeah.
You can't see her tonight.
That -- that's weird. It's like a...a date.
What -- two people of the opposite gender
can't rendezvous after 7:00 p.m.?
It's automatically a date?
In ashby's world.
ooh! ohh!
I like that.
[ laughs ]
no, marcy's still out of town,
but I could squeeze you in with oxsana tuesday at 4:00.
Okay. Great. We'll see you then. Bye.
How's the patient?
Requiring all my patience.
Listen, daisy,
I can't thank you enough for filling in like this.
Eh! No problem. It's fun.
fun?
Rescheduling all marcy's appointments,
dealing with angry clients...
Hey, it's a lot easier than getting cum shot in your eye
and pretending to like it.
And all week long I've kind of felt special,
you know, like one of those girls
in the movies who works in an office.
Like "the devil wears prada" or something.
Yeah, well, those girls all generally get paid.
I am not helping out around here to get paid.
You guys took me in.
You made me a part of your family.
Well, I don't know if "family" is the right word.
Oh, you mean 'cause of our lengthy...
Don't worry. I get it.
I...know it's never gonna happen again.
You do?
Yeah!
Don't sweat it. I'm already looking for a new place to live.
oh.
Well, you know, the guest room is yours until you --
[ telephone ringing ] oh, excuse me.
Glamorous and important work to do.
[ car alarm chirps ]
you karen?
Who's askin'?
I work for lew ashby.
You're a long way from laurel canyon.
Here.
What? What is that?
It just says "get in the car."
He's not one for words.
We'll have you back by 11:00.
Back from where? What the --
I can't say exactly.
But I can say it's supremely awesome.
You honestly expect me to get in that car with you?
What? You got something else to do?
It's friday night.
Come on.
Okay.
¶ when I came up from outta the meat locker ¶
you sure about this?
We could always grab a box of their best chardonnay
and drink it at the bus stop.
You promised that you would
take me anywhere I wanted to go tonight.
Well, I did, and I meant it.
But I was thinking more like burgers at the apple pan.
Oh, so you're a cheap date.
Just because two people of the opposite gender
rendezvous after 7:00 p.m.
Doesn't necessarily make it a date.
I think lew would disagree with you on that.
He has. Yeah.
So he knows we're out tonight?
She asked
because she obviously still gives a damn.
What about you, your husband?
Where does the one that you gave your troth to --
Where does he think you are tonight?
He took the kids to legoland for the weekend.
Legoland!
Legoland. Okay. All right.
Plus, he feels venice is too dangerous.
He doesn't like to come here.
Well, in your case, he may be right.
aah!
Look at this monstrosity.
Oh, I like this one.
You do?!
Yeah, it looks how I feel.
What's that -- Alienated?
Nauseous? Culturally dispossessed?
no.
Horny.
[ coughs ]
cheese cube. Hank?
[ coughing ]
hank, are you -- are you okay? Is he okay?
It just went down the wrong pipe.
Ooh. Hey.
[ coughs ]
whoo!
Cheese cube. [ coughs ]
hi. I'm janie.
Hi. Sonja.
Oh, sonja. When are you due?
Oh, god. Six more weeks.
Well, you look great. Thank you so much.
So how do you two know each other?
Uh...
Look who's here. [ clears throat ]
look at that. The...[ imitates vomiting ]
oh, yeah.
Sonja and i, we have no secrets.
Uh, yeah, hank is the father.
Alleged father... Of sonja's bump.
Wow. Okay. Wow.
It's nice that you're here.
I never thought you'd be, you know, at a place like this.
I didn't. This is julian's gallery.
Oh, no, I did not know that.
Okay, and now that you do,
you're never gonna get down here again, will you?
Probably not.
Slippery -- Slippery guy, this one.
Oh, very slippery, yeah. Who's julian?
Julian self, the -- the artist within.
There he is.
Salvador dalí. Yeah.
Oh, my god! Look at that.
I-i-I -- you know what? I knew it.
Look how late it is.
You know, we're -- we're, uh,
hopping from gallery to gallery tonight.
"gallery-hopping" I think they call it.
And we've got another thing to get to.
I don't think we have another thing.
Oh, no, we do.
No, no, you can't go. You cannot --
You cannot leave without saying hello to julian.
No, I think we can. We could.
You promised we could do anything I wanted tonight.
I did? That doesn't sound like me.
Lead the way, sonja.
You don't know me well enough
to torture me in this fashion.
[ exhales heavily ] shit, marcy!
All the petty cash, too?
oh, hey. Hey, hey, I'm sorry.
Um, listen. [ chuckles ]
look, I know it probably took a lot of courage
just to walk in here, but actually we're closed.
In fact, we don't really even, you know, do men.
Is daisy here?
Daisy. No, listen, pal. No más appointments today.
Okay? I just -- I forgot to lock the door is all.
Oh, um... We're going out.
On a date?
Yeah.
hey.
wow!
You look amazing.
You do! You look --
I was just meeting your friend.
I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
Oh, steve, this is my boss, charlie runkle.
Nice to meet you, steve.
Nice to meet you.
So...have you got a job, steve?
Some means of support?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Um, I work across the street at the sharper image.
Sharper image.
You know, if you're not done with work,
I can just wait for you outside if you'd like.
Oh, that would be great. Okay.
Seems nice.
Don't you mean "boring as shit"?
Thanks for covering for me, by the way.
We both know i'm not really the girl
who works at the front desk.
Hey, hey. Sure you are. You're any girl you want to be.
You know, I don't have to go out with this guy.
He asked, and I figured "what the hell?
Do something normal for a change."
But I could tell him something came up with work
and stay... Help you with the books.
Yeah, because that wouldn't be at all dysfunctional.
No, no, you should go.
You know, you should go out tonight
on a normal date with a normal guy
because you're young and normal.
And that's what normal people normally do.
Okay.
Don't work too hard.
[ chuckles ]
[ door closes ]
don't you fuck him too hard.
[ exhales heavily ]
[ lili haydn's "saddest sunset" plays ]
just in time.
Hey. I had no idea they, um, they started so promptly.
I mean, "lili haydn, the hollywood bowl, 8:30."
I take it you don't like the crowds.
I have, uh, issues.
[ sarcastically ] oh, you do?
¶ they can change in an instant ¶
so...you think you might stay?
I might. I mean, it's a beautiful evening, right?
Where are we gonna sit?
Maybe we can squeeze up front. I know people.
Okay.
Hank: so do you use flavored wax for this
or just, like, surfboard wax?
Do you know what hospital you're going to --
Oh, god, no.
You know what? No. No hospitals.
We're having home water birth.
Eases the birth trauma.
And, um, it's, uh, much more sensual for a woman.
It facilitates the birth orgasm.
oh.
Hey, so -- so in a pool this is gonna happen? Yeah.
So you're not expecting so much a boy or girl as a sea-monkey.
Hank.
Amphibious.
It's actually -- It's a boy.
We have a home ultrasound machine.
We do it every week.
Did I forget to tell you about that?
About the home ultrasound machine?
Yes, but I -- of course I assumed you had one.
Doesn't everybody? I know I do.
Hank hasn't always been
so involved in all this pregnancy stuff.
And that is a choice that hank will live to regret.
Jane, have you, uh, experienced giving birth?
Yes, uh-huh. Yes, I have.
Ahh, but you haven't experienced a birth orgasm, have you?
No, I did not. Mnh-mnh.
You know, I think -- You know,
maybe you should let julian do a reading for you.
He can gauge your negativity.
No, I'm good.
I think he's gauging it right now.
No, I think we're good. No, we have to get going.
We have that next thing. What thing?
You don't want to stay and hear more about the birth orgasm?
Jane... What?
You have very beautiful eyes. I do?
Yes, and whatever pain you have experienced in this life
you've obviously transcended.
Uh-huh. Are you menstruating right now?
Am I...menstruating?
And we're done.
All right. Well, that was a good time.
Hank, hank, come on. Don't go. We're having fun.
I mean, he didn't mean it. It wasn't sexual.
Of course it's sexual.
There's nothing wrong with expressing a healthy,
see, I'm married, so...
Oh, now you're married.
I am. I'm married.
I think that he's suggesting group sex.
I mean, that's what you're suggesting, right?
By all means. I mean, look at us.
The four of us have this incredible pansexual chemistry.
You go. I'm gonna take a bullet for you.
Come here.
Don't resist.
Yeah, you know what?
I just want it so bad. I'm just not ready.
I'm not ready. I'm not ready.
I'll see you soon, okay?
What the fuck was that?
I like him.
hey. Daisy, you're back.
Yeah, I was just in the neighborhood.
I don't understand. Is your date over already?
Not exactly. I kind of blew it off.
Daisy!
I know! I know!
Highly dysfunctional.
But, you see, I forgot something.
What's that?
Just how much I love "dirty dancing."
Friends don't let friends wallow...
At least not alone.
So what do you say, charlie runkle?
Are you ready to have the time of your life?
[ plastic crinkles ]
[ gasps ]
[ chuckles ]
it is not every day that you meet a man
who has impregnated a cult member.
Well, there were a lot of controlled substances involved.
It was only the one time, so...
Wow. So your boys are potent?
They were -- I've been snipped,
vasectomized, had my testes done.
Wow. That is some excellent foreplay.
You like that? That's my "a" material.
At the end of the night, I just come right out and announce my infertility.
It's sexy.
Yeah, it's working for you, huh?
It is. It really turns a girl on.
Oh, hey, that reminds me. I've got something of yours.
You...left something at my place.
oh. Your notebook.
Well, I hope you filled in all the blanks for me.
Nah, I figured you could do that,
maybe follow me back to my place?
ow.
For the proverbial nightcap?
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
[ inhales sharply ]
i'm gonna have to pass on that very tempting offer.
Wow. Rejected.
Well, no, don't think of it that way.
Uh, think of it...
I-i-i'm gay.
[ laughs ] you're gay?
I'm a big fat gay. [ laughs ]
why? because I'm married?
Well, because you're married and because you're lew's girl
and...'cause I'm getting the strangest feeling about you.
Yeah, you are?
Yeah, I mean, I can't believe i'm gonna say this out loud,
but I feel that I don't want to make love to you just the once,
although I'm sure you would enjoy the shit out of it.
I don't think you're gonna get this chance again.
no? no.
Uh-oh.
mmm.
Mean.
Uh -- oh.
You're...mmm...
Mean, mean, mean, mean. You're just mean.
Still, i'm gonna have to say no.
wow!
So I'm just, like, what, a story for your book?
You're not gonna bait me into changing my mind, janie jones.
But wait. Answer me this, though.
What is so sexy about a man who's been vasectomized?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess it shows that you can commit,
that you can give your whole heart to someone,
make sacrifices to please a woman.
So you think a woman made me do this,
some castrating female?
Definitely did this for a woman.
You are not some stray dog, hank moody.
You belong to someone.
Takes one to know one.
Hey, you know, he throws these, uh, huge parties
and these people come and they drink his booze,
and they act like they're his friends.
Yeah, I've heard.
Guest of honor never shows.
[ car door opens, closes ]
¶ 'cause I had the time of my life ¶
¶ and I owe it all to you ¶
i'm not sure I can bear to watch the rest of this.
It's pretty much over once baby comes out of the corner.
[ music stops ]
were you even alive in the fall of 1987?
Of course I was alive.
[ chuckles ] it was a good time.
I was in the mail room at william morris.
Marce was still at n.y.u.
One day, somebody broke in to her dorm room.
Some homeless crack addict snuck in and stole all her jewelry,
so I tried to think of a movie that might cheer her up.
It worked, didn't it?
We had to go all the way up to 57th street to see it --
Some crappy little theater that's not even there anymore.
The duane reade across the street --
Where I went in to buy her twizzlers and a diet coke --
That's still there.
Charlie, she'll get better.
She'll be home soon
and everything will get back to normal.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
She'll quit the bolivian marching powder.
I'll put my libido back in a box
and re-don the suit.
Then the whole cycle can start over again.
Well, I don't know much about marriage,
but it doesn't sound so entirely bad to me.
You're probably right. [ chuckles ]
what's your choice, right?
I mean, you choose your partner, then you do the dance.
What's the alternative? Sit the whole thing out?
No way. You can't do that, right?
Mnh-mnh.
And at the very least, I mean...
...you got to dance the last dance of the season.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I'm not sure that's a very good idea.
What?! I'm not talking anything carnal --
Just a simple box step.
I stay in my dance space, you stay in your dance space.
Well... Maybe that can work.
Except i'm not very good.
Oh, well, me neither.
[ both chuckle ]
here you are. Karen: thank you.
Right where you started.
None the worse for wear, huh?
You're right. You're right.
Yeah. Thank you.
Um, really, that was such a great night.
And I appreciate it.
Well, it's not just the music, right?
It's how and...when you hear it. [ clicks ]
that's it. Yeah.
Okay. Don't forget your work stuff.
Thank you.
I don't get to say that a lot.
Uh, girls that work at jumbo's clown room
don't usually have briefcases and shit.
Yeah, I can imagine there wouldn't be
a whole lot of use for that, right?
So, lew, it's been real.
Yikes. We're gonna shake hands?
Yes, we are.
It's, uh, my date, my rules, right?
So it was a date?
Uh-huh.
Well, anytime two people meet after 7:00 p.m.,
it's a date, right?
My thoughts exactly.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Nobody has the balls to actually say that they're on a date.
I'm sorry. I can't seem to let go of your hand. I know.
You kind of, sort of remind me of someone I once knew.
Okay, I do? Well, I know.
You should take her to the hollywood bowl.
'cause that was such a great date. She would love that.
Maybe I will. I mean, I used to all the time.
We'd sit in the cheap seats.
You know, if I ever had another chance...
Right. If you ever had another chance, you'd do it different.
Well, everybody says that, and it's bullshit
cause you do it just the same.
No, no, no, not me, I swear. I learn from my mistakes.
You do?
Totally.
[ laughs ]
[ laughing ] oh, my god! You're insane!
Hey, I'm sorry. I lied.
Life's just too fucking boring not to try, okay?
Right. That is true. I will give you that.
Lew, seriously, that was an amazing night.
A-and let's not ruin it.
I really appreciate it. I had a great time.
Okay? Thank you.
I guess I'll take that if it's all I can get.
Oh, my god! You're not still trying!
[ laughs ] sorry. Truce.
Yeah, truce. Good, good.
Let's leave on a peaceful note.
Bang.
[ engine turns over ]
[ laughs ]
[ car door closes ]
oh, my god.
[ gasps ]
[ rock music plays ]
what are you doing, woman?
Look at you. You don't have your keys out.
You got all those bags.
You're like one of those victims
in a self-defense instructional video.
What are you doing?
Any deviant could jump out at you at this point
and...then a stranger could be waiting.
There is a strange guy waiting for me.
Who? Me?
Yeah! What?!
Are you -- Are you stalking me?
Stalking you? Mm-hmm.
No, if I was stalking you,
I wouldn't have to ask you where you've been tonight.
Are you asking me that?
You don't have to tell me.
Good. 'cause I won't.
Well, d-don't you want to know where I've been?
Because I have been somewhere tonight.
No, not especially.
No, I want to tell you.
Let me just tell you what I did not do, okay?
I went on a date with this beautiful woman,
an amazing woman -- No, no, no!
And I did not have sex with her.
not? Yeah.
I just cock-blocked myself. I remained chaste.
wow.
I-I kept my eye on the big picture.
I exercised some impulse control.
Uh-huh. Till the moment that you had to get in your car
and drive here and tell me about it?
Well, yeah, that impulse I did not control.
No, I wanted to share that with you.
Well, thank you. I'm -- I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go. Um...
Well...
Why are you looking at me like that?
How am I looking at you?
Like you want a reward or something.
You have something?
I have a little biscuit.
You have a biscuit?
A little cookie for you.
Hank.
That was very rewarding.
I just had to check to see, you know,
if I could still break through that impulse control of yours.
Apparently, you can.
Thank god.
Hey, is becca really at a friend's house tonight?
Mm-hmm.
She's not with damien?
[ exhales heavily ] no. come on.
Are you fucking insane?
no, But you obviously are.
[ clicks tongue ]
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, okay, what do you want to talk about?
Um...
I -- you know...
I want to know about your date.
Did you really just shut that poor woman down?
Just shut her down, yeah. Just -- I was the boss.
Well, I did kiss her, but I didn't go inside.
Gross.
Well, I'm just saying. Gross.
But I refrained.
You refrained from tapping that ass?
I you refrained from tapping that ass.
Was that a first?
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh!
We still don't know why you were so late
returning to home tonight.
Big night at the book club, was it?
yes.
Did you o.d. On estrogen
and have to come home for a little...
I was actually on a date.
Oh, jesus.
That's gross.
And it was quite fun.
Now you're disgusting. I don't want to hear that shit.
Yes, you do.
You're gonna hear about it unless you can, um,
unless you can stop me.
Can you stop me?
mm.
oh.
What is that?
That's a male member. I thought you'd met.
No, no, no, no. Hank, that.
ow.
What is that?
That's -- That's my groin.
It's like a lump or something.
Yeah.
Well, did you always have that?
Hank?
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